Can couples counselling save your marriage?

 

Whilst most counsellors would like to say an unequivocal “YES” to this question, reconnection is very dependent on the couple, the history of their relationship, the degree of contempt in the relationship, the commitment of both parties to try to work at the relationship, and of course, the involvement of other parties.

 

When couples come to me for counselling the first diagnostic that I look for is the “sign of life”. We’re these people happy together once? If they were happy once, and both believe this, this is a promising sign of life and hope for the relationship. There will still be a lot of work, but you cannot make something that was never good into something great, but you can, again, like someone who you once loved.

 

The reality of couples counselling is that some couples  come to counselling after a serious disruptive act – such as having an affair, long standing contempt, and the echo of other significant life events (death of a parent, loss of work).  Whilst walking back from those challenges can be accomplished, it may be better to consider counselling when there are warning signs, rather than war wounds.

 

You are having the same argument again and again, for more than 6 months. Sometimes these arguments are a cover for other, even more complicated issues. Counsellors can help couples learn to communicate more effectively, and also dissect underling issues.

 

You live separate lives from one another. If you feel like you are more like flatmates than life mates. The process of counselling may help you build positive shared goals and set rules of engagement to help you reconnect Sometimes marriage partners feel determined, because of past hurst (inside or before the marriage) to express their independence from their partner. Counselling may help you face and resolve the opportunity to reconnect and enhance your shared feeling of like, and love.

 

You want different things out of life from your partner. Once upon at time you may have been best friends, and shared everything. As we grown, partners can become disconnected, especially as children enter the equation. A love relationship requires investment. People can change, and you may believe different things, but could an remain connected. A counsellor could help you navigate your shared values and help build better connectivity.

 

Intimacy is lacking. Intimacy is not just sex. All affection – hand holding, touching, kissing, and sex, matters. Couples counselling can help partners describe and discuss the reasons behind their challenges to intimacy.

 

You or your partner is tempted to have an affair. Relationships can be significantly damaged by disruption to expectations of exclusively. Even harmless Facebook flirting with ex-partners. Couples counselling can help individuals connect and consider their needs of their ego, and their current relationship.

 

Trust has been broken. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When we do not trust our partner, we may try to build defences around ourselves and these compromise our future of the relationship in our relationship. Trust is an essential, yet fragile, component of relationships. Counselling can help couples explore reasons to trust (or not) and their own personal values and viewpoints that compromise their barriers to trust in the future.

Counselling can help couples reconnect. When choosing a couple counselling options you will find different modes and options. At RED DOOR we are the only provider in HK to provide the Conjoint therapy of Couples Counselling.

The advantage of Conjoint therapy in Couples Counselling. The model we use at RED DOOR. At RED DOOR we use the conjoint couples therapy approach. In Conjoint therapy two therapists work with the couple during couples’ sessions and then one counsellor will meet with you for any one-on-one sessions. This is an advanced method of couples therapy. Since there are two therapists in the room there is less chance of either of the partners feeling blamed, or favoured. If you have felt that any previous couple therapist sided with you, or your partner, you will appreciate the objectivity and inclusion that this model supplies. There are a number of therapeutic options available in the conjoint model including pairing vs individual counsellors , role play and modelling of problems and techniques, as well as  break-out sessions within couples sessions (which is helpful if one client becomes flooded, or some negotiations are required) . This model also keeps the therapist moving sessions forward constructively. Often if sessions become heated much of a therapist’s attention is moved towards “traffic control”. Traffic control whilst necessary, is not the goal of therapy. Therapy is to help blockages in communication and find the right tools and skills to help remedy the problems. Having a second therapist on hand helps keep the therapeutic goal on track. In conjoint-couples therapy you each have someone who understands each of your perspectives in the room. The team of counsellors work with you, and together to formulate a plan to understand and overcome the challenges in your relationship. At RED DOOR, we use a Gottman informed approach, but will also include emotionally focused therapy, CBT and narrative therapy tools. Because two therapists are involved there are cost implications. At RED DOOR we try to manage this by asking each of the therapist to reduce their standard fee for the sessions.

If you don’t feel ready, or your partner will not go to counselling, you might consider reading relationship building books

I personally like Gottman & Silver, “The seven principles for making marriage work” and M. Kirshenbaum’s “I love you, but I don’t trust you”. For some quick ideas to reconnect, please see our blog on making your relationship better:  https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/02/14/make-your-relationship-better/

Best of luck keeping your relationship on track. Please remember the words of American relationship psychologist Barbara De Angelis , “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It is something you do”.

#reddoor #couples #relationships #trust #mentalhealthessentials

There are a number of ways that families can break-up. Death of a family member, divorce, rejection of a child by a parent, break ups due to strained adult sibling relationships, and, the topic of this article, parental estrangement by an adult child.

A few years ago I received a text from a parent living in Europe. Mary*. Mary’s son, John*, lives in Hong Kong and Mary was looking for a way to reconnect with him. She detailed that John had asked for them to cease contact, for reasons that, “she knows what she had done”. She supplied John’s email address and requested that I broach contact with John to check if he would be willing to engage in family therapy to reconcile their relationship. (*these are not the real names of these individuals)

I reached out to John to see if he would like to start a discussion about what had happened from his perspective, with a view to considering if relationship recovery could be possible. He was clear in his intent to remain estranged. Reconciliation requires two willing parties.

My attention turned to Mary and providing some of the support that she would require to understand her situation and be able to move forward. One piece of “comfort” I could provide is that parental estrangement from their adult children is a growing trend among families. She is not alone.

The trend for adult children to choose estrangement from their parents might be increasing as individuals value their individuality over group membership (ie staying in touch with family) in modern societies. Adult children, more often do not live in the same town or city as their parents. Isay (2007) suggests that members of society are driven by external safety requirements. In times of war families try to stay together. In times of peace, deliberate estrangement seems to become more likely.

Regardless of the societal factors behind the trend of estrangement, adults today seem to feel more enabled to consider separation from their family of origin.

Estrangement is painful and confusing. You will likely be consumed in a haze of emotions including shock and disbelief, shame, anger, rejection and you will be stressed. It is normal to worry and catastrophise over how bad it can be and how long this can last. Unfortunately, estrangement usually lasts a matter of years, rather than a matter of weeks and months.

“When they are adults, our children, posses the ultimate weapon: distancing. In order to keep from feeling hurt or put down, they just recede from us and get on with their lives”. Isay, 2007, Walking on Eggshells.

Why do adult children choose to distance themselves?

I don’t think that adult children are obligated to maintain a relationship with a parent, especially if there has been a history of abuse in the family. Sometimes parents do very little to cause an estrangement. Sometimes they have done a lot.

“However painful the separation, many adult children report that ending the relationship with the parent was the only way they could find to take control over their own lives” Coleman, Rules of Engagement, 2020.

In researching the main causes that adult children choose to distance themselves from their parents the following causes are the most recorded reasons.

Family therapist Joshua Coleman surveyed 1600 estranged parents and suggests that 75% of the cases that he reviewed were estranged as a result of a divorce between biological parents.

While the revelation of a parent’s affair is a lot for a child of any age to work through, it is especially damaging if the other parent uses the affair to punish their ex by poisoning the children’s opinion of that parent.

Parental alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a major factor driving some children’s decision (including adult children) to distance themselves from a parent. When one party in a divorce engages in parental alienation behaviours (such as listed below) it can create the circumstances where a child (adult or a minor) may choose to distance themselves from their biological parent.

A word of warning to the those parents utilizing alienation activities – when children identify that they have been exposed to such practices, which can happen when they become adults, this can become a reason that they choose to become estranged from their parent that they believe weaponized and manipulated them during the divorce.

Any discussion of reasons why adult children reject their parents has to include the impact of third party influencers. Your child’s romantic partner, or their family may be partly involved in their decision to distance themselves.

If your child is struggling with mental health issues, they may choose to become estranged as part of that condition, or because of their shame attached to their condition. Addicts, particularly if they are not ready to consider recovery, do not like their families to witness their struggle.

If your adult child has felt suffocated or controlled during their childhood they may feel like they have no means to become self determining that involves your parenting style.

Studies have showing that differential treatment – where parents behave more positively toward one of their children (favoritism) can affect the overall well-being of children even after they have grown. Whilst this is only one of the potential causes of ongoing sibling conflict, it may be one of the reasons that sibling conflict can split up the family of origin.

If parents expect their children to mirror their own values and beliefs this can cause particular challenges. Gay adults find it extremely difficult to maintain relationships with parents who are rejecting of their identity. In such circumstances parents will need to consider the price of the reconciliation. They can have a relationship with their gay adult child, or no relationship with their preferred/imagined straight offspring. Differences in viewpoints can break down connection.

Can you reconcile?

When a parent reaches out to facilitate a reconciliation I make no assumption about their guilt or innocence in regard to claims by their adult child. What I want to emphasize is that if you want things to be different, it will require change on the part of the parent. It is important that the estranged parent ties to empathize and understand their perspective of their adult child. This doesn’t mean that you are saying that the adult child is right, you need to consider to stop telling them that their perspective is wrong, or invalid.

It is easy, but not productive to resist the need to empathize or change. You might feel you have done nothing wrong. You might believe that being willing to listen to your child’s version of events will reinforce their immaturity, reinforce the position of other, third, parties, or be used against you. You may even fear that becoming tolerate to your child’s narrative might make you feel bad about yourself. Being vulnerable is sometimes more possible if a family therapist drives the reconciliation process.

In the below graphic we detail some of the elements each party needs to be prepared to commit to in order for reconciliation to be possible:

As I detailed in the case of Mary and John at the beginning of this blog, it takes two collaborative parties to make reconciliation possible. Often a family therapist provides the space and perspective required for each party to be able to express themselves in a constructive manner where their feelings can be managed. Even then success is not guarenteed.

You may therefore need to consider how you will survive the estrangement, whilst you hope that reconcilation may become possible.

How to survive Parent- Adult Child Estrangement.

It is extremely distressing to be cut off from any group, and particularly if your own child decides to distance themselves from you. From my work, and research on this topic I have the following practices that you can consider.

If you are going though any challenge to your mental health, including estrangement from your child, find a support group if possible. Your experience is unique to you, but not uncommon in society. Find a physical or online support group. Google search for parents of estranged adults to see if you can find a forum online or in person.

Empathizing with your adult child is an essential ingredient of reconciliation. Take some time to reflect on their experience. For example – what pain could you acknowledge may have been hard for them. Is it possible that you have dismissed this pain or invalidated your child’s experience? Even if your adult child continues to distance themselves, these reflections may make it more possible for you to forgive them for their choice.

Give your experience a voice. Estrangement is painful. Write about your pain. Try to capture your thoughts so that you can reflect upon them. Write about the shame that you might be experiencing. Challenge if you need to really feel ashamed. Social media paints pictures of families wrapped up together in a loving embrace. Many of those images are fabrications, not reality.

Be careful in any communication with your child. Be careful not to create further reason for estrangement. It may be tempting to lecture your child . It is reasonable to expect you treat you with the kindness and sensitivity that you expect from any other adult, but understand they want to be heard and respected as well. Communicate at a frequency that you are comfortable with. For example you might choose to communicate around significant dates – birthdays and Christmas etc. Consider a letter of amends.

Joshua Coleman recommends that his clients (parents) write a letter of amends to their adult child. This letter shows you care. Such a letter will demonstrate that that you are willing to model reflecting, taking responsibility and offering an apology. This letter can help clarify what you accept and take responsibility for in the parent-child relationship whilst emphasizing that no harm was intended within that relationship. This letter provides proof that you acknowledge that your child is now an adult, and able to make the decision to continue to distance but you would like them to consider an alternative. In writing the letter you can demonstrate that you can take responsibility for yourself, whilst also offering yourself some self-compassion.

Counselling – both regarding the reconciliation, and for yourself will help you frame your emotional state, explore your responsibilities, and consider a path forward. Counselling can help you address the shame and the weight of the stereotype of the pitiful rejected parent.

You will need to spend time, with your counsellor, or on your own capturing your thoughts and ruminations. It is hard to understand what to do, and how to process some of these thoughts on your own.

Whilst you wait for reconciliation, do you not put your life on hold. Make friends, spend time with people.

You decide what you share with other people about the condition of your relationship with your adult child. You can be honest, but economical, about the estrangement with new acquaintances. For example you do not need to explain the whole situation to everyone. If you are asked if you have children, you can simply say, “I have a child but we are estranged at this time”. You do not owe anyone the backstory.

Remember you can survive.

About the author of this article: Angela Watkins is a counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling helping adults, teens and families navigate various mental health challenges including divorce, special educational needs, family relations, romantic relationship challenges, substance dependence, depression, self-harm, and recovery from abuse.

Parent – Adult Child Estrangement books

Coleman, J (2020) Rules of Engagement: Why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict [RECOMMENDED]

Isay, J (2007) Walking on eggshells: Navigating the delicate relationship between adult children and parents.

McGregor, S (2016) Done with crying: Help and healing for mothers of estranged adult children [RECOMMENDED]

Here is some advice from the trenches – Six of the best books are recommended, from the participants of our surviving divorce therapeutic support group, and myself, as their counsellor.

No book can help you completely recover from heartbreak. Each of these books may contribute a step in your learning journey: surviving divorce and becoming a new you, especially when used in collaboration with therapy.

 

1.                 He’s history, you’re not. Erica Manfred

An honest guide to getting through the breakdown of a marriage without it costing you an arm and leg – financially and emotionally. This great book is written from first-hand experience. Recommended for women over 40 years old. hand experience good for women over 40 –especially those left by their partner.

2.                 Crazy time. Abigail Trafford

The break-up of a marriage heralds a year of break down inducing confusion. This book uses real life cases to describe the problems inherent in the marriage and challenges you’ll need to overcome. Recommended for anyone going through divorce.

 

3.                 You can heal your heart. Louise Hay and David Kessler.

Grief and loss experts blend affirmations and mindful observations to enable the reader to explore their soul and situation in order to grow and find solace. Recommended if you feel like you’ve lost hope

 

4.                 Leave cheater gain a life. Tracy Schorn

Tracy Schorn, aka the chump lady, provides a wealth of advice amidst heavy doses of humour, to help avoid rookie mistakes, disarm your fears and bounce back. Recommended if you have just recently been dumped.

 

5.                 Runaway husbands. Vicki Stark

This book explores wife abandonment syndrome, sharing the findings of surveys of 400 women worldwide. If you’ve been abandoned, find the way to turn your loss into an opportunity for empowerment with the information and strategies included in this guide. Recommended for those who have lost long term relationships.

 

6.                 The good divorce. Constance Ahrons.

Whilst any divorce is unlikely to be described as “good”, there are some smart decisions you can make, some myths you should abandon, and activities to plan to help your family heal. This book uses the results of longitudinal research and the wealth of knowledge gained as a therapist to help guide the reader through the divorce process. Recommended for parents exploring divorce.

If you are going through a painful break-up, one piece of advice I can share comes from the words of Winston Churchill, “When you are going through hell, keep going”.

If you would like to regularly read our RED DOOR blogs – on a range of topics from mental health and wellbeing, resilience, relationships, parenting, anxiety, sadness, addiction, and so much more – please like our FB page:  https://www.facebook.com/REDDOORHongKong/

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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on adults in the areas of, depression, the experience of divorce, anxiety, perfectionism, career change, loss of direction, burnout, relationship and family challenges, OCD, and parenting special needs children.

Every year there are a significant number of divorces between couples. For example, there are over 20,000 petitions for divorce a year in Hong Kong, over 90,000 in the UK, and over 780,000 in the USA. For those cases involving children produced within the marriage or a long term relationship, parents are usually concerned about the impact a divorce or splitting up may have on their child. As a counsellor helping individuals responding to divorce, I would like to highlight the following guidelines regarding how to best inform children and how to minimize the impact of your divorce on the mental well-being of your child.

How to tell your children about your decision to divorce.

• Tell the child together as a couple rather than separately, if possible. Children often fear that divorce may mean that they will lose a parent. Telling the child together reinforces your intention that both parents remain dedicated to the child.
• Consider telling your child at home rather than outside of the home. Inside their own home children can respond in an authentic and real manner.
• If possible, tell the child in a neutral area of your home such as the lounge or kitchen. Do not tell the child in their bedroom. That room needs to remain an impartial safe zone where they are entitled to retreat.
• Tell your child at a time when the household is quite calm, not just before bed, or after a long day out or when they must yet complete their homework.
• Try to be as calm as you can – explain that the marriage is over, but the family is not. You both remain parents to your child.
• Remind you child that you love them.
• Make sure you reinforce that the divorce is not their fault. Do not assume they will know this automatically.
• Children will undoubtedly have many questions. Answer these as fully as you can. It may be better for you and your partner to discuss, and agree, interim living arrangements, before telling your children.
• If you cannot answer every question when it is asked, communicate that you will intend to answer that question as soon as you can. Some ambiguity is to be expected. At the time that you are informing children of a potential split, your obligation is to help them see that the future will still be positive, and that they are a priority. 
• Do not allow emotionally hurtful descriptions to be presented by one partner. For example “Daddy is leaving us”, can heighten the pain of abandonment. If your partner paints the scenario in this way, simply correct without judgement. For example, “Mummy is a bit confused. We are splitting up and I am going to live somewhere else, but I’m still your Dad and I am not leaving you”
• Offer access to counsellors or support networks to allow your child to express their feelings to other people. Whilst they may have many questions for you, they may not initially feel comfortable asking YOU those questions at the beginning.

Building positive practices whilst the divorce is in progress.

It is not a matter of if your divorce will impact your child, the question is how much it will impact your child. Here are my recommendations as to what you can DO, and DO NOT DO, to best support your child.

• Do understand divorce from the perspective of your child. From their perspective this is a big change so that there may be feelings of grief and fear, and anger, involved. These feelings come in waves rather than all at once. You may have offered counselling at the time when you announced a split. Offer counselling or support options repeatedly over the next year or two.
• Don’t fight in front of your kids. The divorce should be the END of their experience of parents fighting in front of them.
• Collaboratively co-parent – working and agreeing together how to respect, negotiate, organise and stay well boundaried when you split, it a superior model of parenting during a divorce. You may need to utilise a mediator or counsellor to help exercise your arrangements.
• Build an honesty-based, collaborative relationship that resolves conflict, including managing emotions, showing mutual respect, and entering healthy negotiations
• Be the best version of a parent that you can be for your child. Your divorce need to both rise to meet the needs of your child. You might consider reading a few books about parenting during divorce or attend a parenting effectiveness course.
• Remember that a clear structure is important to children. They need to know when they are going to see each parent, and what their weekly schedule might look like. If one of the parents refuses to be transparent about the time that they will turn up for your child, allocate them sometimes and move on. Tell the child of the times that have been offered. If one parent does not turn up, it will hurt the child. Be mindful of this.
• Avoid alienating your child from their other parent. Parental alienation has a serious impact on your child’s relationship with their other parent, so be extremely careful.  There may be deep hurt between the two adults in the relationship, but your child should not be cut off from their parent because of your reaction to this pain. Limiting their access to a parent that they want to see may backfire on you in the long run as children sometimes grow to resent this parent during teen and later years. Do not set yourself up.
• Believe in your child. You may fear losing your child’s love. Perhaps your ex-spouse has gone into “super-parenting” practice. Your kids might love this. After all who wouldn’t? Let them get all the love they can get. Kids know who looks after them in a crisis.
• If one parent wants to play Santa-Dad or Santa-Mum let it happen. Most of this behaviour can not be sustained so utilise these moments. If one parent is being very generous, remind your child to ask for that new computer for school, or to ask them to volunteer to run the school bake stall this year. It will not last, so enjoy it whilst it lasts. 
• Hold the line on positive healthy practices when the child is with you. Agree on a limit for the ipad, bedtime, and guidelines around junk food. That said…..
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. The occasional muffin is not going to kill a child. Have some perspective on when rules could be bent. If rules become habitually bent, then they are no longer rules.
• Keep your ex in check. If your child is constantly late picking up or returning the child keep a record and take this up with them, either one to one, or with a mediator. This data may help you negotiate subsequent changes to childcare arrangements.
• Don’t be fooled by labels. Too many times I have encountered parents who are labelled ‘bad parents’ by their ex, when they are clearly not bad parents. Remember judges have seen these cases countless times, they will ask for proof. Your ex’s opinion of you as a parent is not a fact, or proof. Additionally if your ex tells you that experts say “x,y,z” look this up. I have read some painfully misinformed claims – often cited to frighten, or even bully one partner. Read what experts have to say for yourself. 
• Do not use your child as a messenger between yourself and your ex. They are not part of your interpersonal conflicts, or your avoidance of conflict. 
• Do not ask your child to spy on their parent for you. This is extremely destructive.
• Avoid badmouthing the other parent to your child. Do now harm your child by trying to paint your hurt image of your spouse over their image of their parent. Children often feel that they have to choose sides. Do not encourage this. Over time, applying this pressure, often backfires on the person trying to force the child to choose.
• Research triangulation so that you can avoid it. Triangulation involves including your child in your feelings of hurt, or as a pawn in the negotiations with your ex-partner. When you are hurt you may want to feel like your child is on your side, but using them as a weapon against their parent will cause them emotional pain. I hear this most when parents make comments such as, “Your mother/father has abandoned us” instead of “My marriage is over and this may effect you”.
• Do not guilt or blame your child for the divorce as a means to manage their behavior. “If you could have just gone to bed on time, I would have been less stressed and Dad probably wouldn’t have left us.”
• Be extremely respectful of introducing your child to new partners. You and your ex can write your agreed expectations about introducing your children to new partners into a mediation agreement or separation agreement. Remember any rule you set for your ex-partner also applies to you. Additionally, you may think your new partner is amazing. Remember your child didn’t pick them, so they are not obligated to like them. 

Remember, be kind to yourself, and your kids when you are going through divorce. The process of divorce will undoubtedly reshape you, so make this as positive as possible.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor helping couples navigate relationship re connection or split. Angela is a child psychologist as well and determined to help parents lessen the impact of divorce on their child(ren).

#divorce

#divorceandchildren

#collaborativecoparenting

#reddoor

In an era of (desired) minimalism and the attraction of Marie Kondo, living life with less stuff has been suggested as a route to greater happiness.

Most of us appreciate a goal to reduce clutter in our homes and offices. There is a difference between having too much stuff and being a hoarder, mainly in terms of the types of items collected and not thrown away, as well the emotional ties that people have to various objects.

In this world of face paced consumerism people can buy much more stuff than they could in the past. Many people in the first world may feel burdened by the amount of possessions they have. You may be experiencing the overwhelming phenomena of stuffocation: the experience of stress caused by owning so many items that you don’t know how to use, store, or manage.

 

You might be suffering from stuffocation if you:

1.Regularly misplace items in your home or office

2.You buy items to replace items that you have misplaced or lost in your home

3.Rather than feel joy when you look at all of your possessions, you feel overwhelmed or a sense of dread.

4.You have difficulty moving around rooms in your home because of too much stuff.

5.Your cupboard, draws and cabinets are full to the brim

6. You find it hard to discard of items you now longer regularly use

7. You have to have an external storage unit

8. You’ve read more than 2 books on decluttering and this has not made a significant difference to your decluttering practices

9. You feel embarrassed when people come into your home because of the amount of disorganised stuff.

At this point I need to make a confession – I have experienced 9 out of 9 of those listed above.  I once brought a de-cluttering book to replace the de-cluttering book I had lost in my home. This blog is by me, and for me at the same time.

Part of the reason I believe we struggle to clear clutter is that we tend to address clutter from a practical approach rather than a psychological approach. De-cluttering books provide advice how to sort items and where to recycle items. Whilst this is very helpful, it can leave the feelings we have about things unaddressed.

Its worthwhile to take a moment to explore some of the psychology of stuff, the thoughts we may have and how to overcome this thinking. Essentially we need to understand that objects are NOT just objects, we need to understand our own personal meaning of ‘things’.

 

Fear of running out or not having enough.  If you feel you keep things, anything, cups, dresses, shoes because you may need them if you give them up, or at some point in the future may not have enough of this item ask yourself the following series of questions as a reflection.

Reflection: Did I once have “not enough” and was anxious or fearful of that time? Did I cope with my lack of things then? Can I gain faith that I might be able to get past that moment again? Reflect on these questions. Is it unlikely that you will suddenly become poor in the future and not have enough of the things you are keeping now? What could you do to ensure that you have enough finances to secure your future? Could you train in some small part time job that would give you enough money to buy a new cup, dress, book? The likelihood is yes.

Action: Count how many you have of certain items. Then decide what is a reasonable amount for you to have of that item, in reality. How many pairs of shoes do you really want to have displayed? How many books? Once you have set a cap of how many, start to sort out these items into those you love, versus those you like, and those that have no meaning at all. The last pile is the first for you to discard.

 

Saving for the future use.  Items that you are keeping for a future rainy day need to be considered in a slightly different way. If you’ve changed jobs from a corporate job to one where casual attire is acceptable you may have a wardrobe full of clothes that occupy space, but are not longer in use. Some questions that may help with your thoughts and feelings around these items might include

Reflection: Do I love these items, or am I scared to get rid of them? Could someone else benefit from these items – a person at the beginning of their career? Will I, change my lifestyle again and go back to that lifestyle if I have a choice? If not, can I let ½ of these items go? Can I give myself one small storage box, a draw, something little that I can keep some of these items – just in case, but not the amount of space they have now?

Action: Count up how many of these items fit under this criterion. How much space in your home is dedicated to storing this space? Can you put a value to the cost of the storage space used to save these items. For example, you can use the following comparative assessment of space value provided by Cushman and Wakefield’s annual assessment of costs of offices around the world, we can make a brief calculation of the cost to store such items.

For example, in Hong Kong, the cost of a draw could be calculated to be USD 7.40 per day, that’s USD 2700 a year. Once you put a monetary value to storage, you can potentially force a relative value assessment. If it costs you (virtually) this much to save these clothes (or other items) does this change your perception of their value. Decide on a small storage you are willing to dedicate to maintain these items and prioritise what you love, what you like, from what simply fills space. Recycle those clothes or items that are not your favourites.

 

Feeling out of control, and not willing to let others help.  Do you feel embarrassed about your space? Have others offered to help you, but you reject their offers due to embarrassment? You can use this embarrassment to your advantage. If you feel out of control or ashamed about your stuff these reflections may help.

Reflection: What is the shame of having too much stuff? What do you think it says about you? What do you worry that other people might think of you? Is this true? How do you determine your value in life, how could your space reflect those values? Does having too much stuff fit with your perception and values that you hold for yourself? How can you work towards accepting yourself, with too much stuff, as well as without too much stuff?

Action: Use your embarrassment as a motivator. Tell your friends that you are working on eliminating clutter and would like their support. Define the support you might like. Perhaps you’d rather discuss what you can do with items rather than have physical support. Perhaps you can agree to invite friends over for an “after the clutter” celebration once you have some spaces sorted. Friends who use your clutter and stuffocation to judge you, may need to be told that their assessment of you hurts your feelings and makes it harder for you to start the process, even though you acknowledge that they want to help. Set yourself your deadline. Get going.

 

The joy of shopping and collecting – Sometimes we gain too much stuff because we like the process of acquisition too much. Is it possible you are addicted to buying more things, even when you don’t need them? If so, you might benefit from reading our blog on FOMO as this might be part of the issue. [Whilst there may be pleasure in shopping, and it may not greatly impact your financial situation, acquiring stuff as an activity is worth thinking about.  https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/fomo-read-this-now/

Reflections: What is it about shopping or acquiring items that brings you joy? Is there any other elements in your life, such as creativity or health, that could replace this activity in a more constructive manner? Do you shop to “keep up appearances”, and if so, what does it mean if you cannot achieve this goal? Are you worth less as a person?

 

Action: Each time you want to buy a new item consider the following:

First of all, walk away, do not buy it immediately. Only those items that you continue to remember then become truly considered.

Before you do buy it, shop in your own cupboards to see if you have a similar item already. We often buy items that are remarkably similar to those we have already. Is this really significantly different? Would you consider to move one item OUT of your home in order to move this item IN? As with the processes above conduct some form of opportunity cost analysis before you buy. Is this the best way for me to utilise HKD500?

Ask yourself: Would I get more joy taking a friend out to lunch, or taking a cooking class with a friend instead? When we look at deathbed regrets, it never seems to be mentioned that people need to buy more. What they regret is spending time with people, having experiences, and pursuing their goals.

 

Holding onto precious memories – sometimes we have items from the past, items that remind us of special occasions or people, and we hold onto them. This might include old clothes, books, photos, artwork, and even old tools or jewellery. Compiling precious memories may lead to accidental clutter. Some reflective work that may help.

Reflections: are you keeping items as a way to show people that they are important, or were important? If you lose these items, will those loved ones be less important? In what other ways, besides holding onto items, could you celebrate items from ancestors or loved ones. Perhaps you want to keep special photos of your children, or their artwork. Do you need to keep all of these items to demonstrate your support and love? What other actions could you undertake to show your love for the child featured.

Actions:  Consider ways to store precious items in alternative storage format. For example, take photographs of children’s artworks and building a virtual album. For items from ancestors consider selecting your favourite items and framing them so that they are displayed beautifully. Then you can potentially pass the other items from the collection away. Old jewellery could be redesigned. Old clothes could be made into sentimental pillows.

I hope these reflections and activities help. I intend to give them all a chance and I hope you will too. Try to build a habit to be more mindful of they items you already have, their purpose, and their meaning. Embrace change from a positive angle. Praise yourself for letting go. There is no shame in moving forward and learning to live with less.

#stuffocation #worldrecyclingday #recycling #declutter #mentalhealthessentials #reddoor

#mentalhealth #hoarding #minimalism #mariekondo

Being sad is a normal reaction to difficult challenges in your life. Often the sadness lasts a few days, and then lifts. Sometimes the sadness does not dissipate. Depression is a persistent condition that lasts for more than 2 weeks. Women are more likely to suffer from depression than men.

Some of the symptoms of depression include the following. These signs or symptoms may have lasted more than a couple of weeks.

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
• Irritability
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Excessive fatigue
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
• Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Changes in appetite or weight
• Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
• Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
• Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.

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Depression can interrupt your ability to live a regular life. It can interfere with your ability to work, study, parent, socialise and live a full life.

You can’t just snap out of depression. Depression is caused by the interaction of several internal (thoughts, hormones, diet) and external (stress, expectations) factors. Sometimes we hope that if one can just “focus on being happy” our friends and family will be able to move beyond their depressed state. In addition to your empathetic and persistent friendship, most people who have experienced persistent depression need treatment.

Treatments for depression can include medical and talk therapy. Treatments affect each individual differently. There is no “one-size-fits-all” plan for treatment. It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best.

Medical interventions usually include anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications.

Many clients are hesitant to take these medications because they fear that they will become dependent on these medicines. It is not an easy decision to undertake. Talk to your GP about these medications to see if you can explore some of these fears. If you have tried behavioural and psychological approaches with no success, you might need to consider medications to start kick start your recovery.

How counselling or psychotherapy can help.

Different psychotherapists use different approaches to help resolve the issues that their clients want help with. Here are some of the most common approaches that counsellors and psychologists in Hong Kong use with clients trapped in depression.

CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy . IN CBT the therapists works to explore the relationship between a person’s thoughts, behaviours and feelings. We look at finding patterns in thoughts or behaviours and explore if these patterns help or restrict your development.

Collaboratively the therapist and the client work together to develop constructive ways of thinking and reacting to situations so that alternatives can be found if that would improve your experience. For example with Depression we might discuss the types of thoughts that you have around certain relationships or activities to see if you can challenge or change those patterns of behaviour.

For example, many individuals suffering from depression can see a given situation through a lens which highlights all the catastrophic elements that could occur. Together we would try to figure out where these perceptions of risk originated, and how we could challenge the likelihood of catastrophise occurring.

Psychoanalytic therapy – Originally based on the work of Sigmund Freud, modern psychoanalytic therapy has evolved significantly. Simply put modern psychoanalytic therapy looks at what components of life represent including dreams, free flowing associations, understanding projection of feelings. The goal is to hope patients gain insight as to how their past experiences informs their present behaviour. In regard to treating depression a psychoanalytical counsellor might help explore feelings and thoughts that keep clients trapped inside the depressive state. For example, a person may feel powerless to take charge of practices that they know might help them feel better, but be trapped inside their recurring experience of being abandoned and powerless from their childhood.

DBT – Dialectic behaviour therapy. DBT is abridged from CBT, but focuses more on emotional regulation. Skills such a mindfulness, clear and calm communication and learning to tolerate difficult situations are a focus.

For example, DBT for depression could focus on staying present in today’s goals rather than racing ahead trying to solve tomorrow’s problems. Or when other people disappoint us, learning to tolerate and explore these feelings of upset, and work to clearly communicate our needs to the other party involved.

ACT – Acceptance and Commitment therapy. ACT is another therapy abridged from CBT, but whilst CBT works by helping one identify and change their negative thoughts and behaviours, ACT helps people accept that we can learn to get comfortable with some of discomfort of life. The central tenant of ACT is that the only way out of pain is through. Therefore ACT is sometimes used in situations where a positive outcome may never be possible – e.g. with serious illness. It isn’t just about sitting still. As clients explore situations, they can become less agitated or worried about them. For example, when dealing with clients with depression we can discuss some of the more worrying thoughts that they believe might happen, or happen again for them. We consider what individuals need to move towards, and consider if they can tolerate not moving away from unpleasant thoughts.

As children transition into adolescence, they naturally challenge authority, test boundaries, and explore various aspects of their identity—intellectually, emotionally, and socially. This exploration often includes risk-taking behaviour, which can be a source of concern for parents, particularly regarding substance use.

It is not uncommon for a previously polite and cheerful child to seemingly transform into a rebellious and withdrawn teenager almost overnight. This change can be accompanied by the development of emotional and behavioural challenges that are often difficult to identify and address. In my experience, effective counselling or psychological support combines scientific knowledge with trained expertise, and sometimes an element of intuitive insight.

Monitoring Your Teen’s Well-Being

Stay vigilant as you observe changes in your teenager’s behaviour and emotional state. Be particularly attentive to feelings that persist over a few weeks. Trust your instincts—if you have concerns about your child’s mental health or behaviour, seeking guidance from a medical professional, psychologist, or counsellor is advisable.

Understanding Concerns About Substance Use

While some degree of risk-taking is typical during adolescence, exposure to substances can be more prevalent for international teenagers residing in Hong Kong. Research indicates that nearly half of young individuals in the region have consumed alcohol before reaching 21. Locations such as Lan Kwai Fong, Stanley, and Wanchai often attract teenagers engaging in drinking. While many parents adopt a permissive stance towards alcohol, it is essential to remain vigilant regarding your child’s consumption.

A less tolerant view is often held regarding illicit drugs. Many young people in Hong Kong have been reported to use various substances, and the prevalence of secretive drug use underscores the importance of open communication.

The Reality of Drug Use Among Teens

Much of the drug use among teenagers occurs in secrecy. The Narcotics Division of the Security Bureau regularly conducts surveys targeting school and university students in Hong Kong to assess tobacco, alcohol, and drug use among young people. These surveys often follow a “have you ever” format, measuring lifetime consumption.

According to their reports, which have some methodological limitations that may lead to under reporting, 7.4% of individuals under 21 have used tobacco products, 2.5% (approximately 17,300 students) have experimented with drugs, and 47.5% have consumed alcohol. Alcohol appears to be the substance of choice among teens.

It’s essential to recognise that these numbers likely under represent actual usage. Many teenagers do not view vaping as equivalent to traditional tobacco use, despite the fact that vaping carries many similar health risks. The survey results depend on the honesty of teenagers regarding their substance use, which can be questionable. Additionally, the surveys typically include students still enrolled in the educational system, potentially excluding those who have left, thereby overlooking a demographic that may be more susceptible to regular or chaotic drug use.

Certain substances are more addictive than others, and some individuals are more vulnerable to developing substance use disorders. It is important to remember that no one intends to become dependent on drugs after their first experience—no one plans to enter a cycle of escalating drug use. While many individuals may use substances casually or on a regular basis and then subsequently stop, a proportion of these users may become more chaotic and entrenched in their substance use. Literature on drug use often categorises individuals into non-users and addicts; however, this binary perspective fails to acknowledge the many teenagers who may use drugs temporarily and then cease use.

When discussing young adults and substance use, it is common to focus on the consumption of a single drug. However, poly-drug use, defined as the simultaneous use of multiple substances or a combination of one or two drugs, is increasingly typical among teens and young adults. For example, combinations such as alcohol and cocaine are quite prevalent. Similarly, individuals might use MDMA (also known as Mandy or Molly) and later resort to cannabis to manage the comedown effects. Another common pairing includes the use of cocaine alongside cannabis.

Poly-drug use can encompass both illicit and legal substances and often serves to mitigate the negative side effects associated with certain drugs.

For example, during a night out, a person may start with a couple of glasses of wine, followed by some lines of cocaine. As the night progresses, they might take a sleeping pill to counteract the stimulation and help them sleep. The following morning, if they wake up feeling unwell, they may either continue drinking, partake in more cocaine, or take a Xanax, a prescribed pharmaceutical. Within a mere 12-hour period, rather than simply consuming one or two lines of cocaine, this individual could have ingested alcohol, cocaine, cannabis, and sleep aids or medication like Xanax. This cumulative intake represents a significant amount of substances for one person to manage.

Why Do Teens Use Drugs?

Feeling Good: When you ask a teenager why they use drugs, they often respond simply, “They feel GOOD.” This pleasure can lead to an oversight in recovery, where the immediate enjoyment of drug use takes precedence over addressing underlying issues.

Escaping Pain: In addition to the pleasurable effects, many teens subscribe to the self-medication theory of drug use. They may consume drugs to temporarily escape pain or intolerable feelings, including boredom. In therapeutic settings, we focus on two key aspects: enhancing their tolerance for distressing emotions and exploring the new challenges that drug use may introduce. In my experience, many teens, particularly with substances like marijuana and alcohol, believe that these substances alleviate their anxiety. However, upon closer examination, these drugs can often exacerbate negative feelings, including anxiety and depression.

Social Status: There are also perceived social benefits associated with drug use. Teens often report, “Everyone in my year is smoking weed.” The desire to fit in can drive them to use drugs to avoid standing out as uncool. Additionally, being associated with substance supply can enhance social status among peers, further compelling some teens to partake in drug use.

Minimising Risks: Many teens harbour the belief that drugs are not particularly risky. Phrases like, “Weed is legal in many places” or “I can stop whenever I want” highlight their perspective. As a parent, your attitude toward drugs can significantly influence your child’s choices. Authoritative parents—those who respond to their children’s needs while maintaining high behavioural standards—are often better positioned to guide their teens effectively.

It’s important to clarify that this discussion is not an endorsement of drug use. Acknowledging that drug use occurs and is often rationalised by teens is essential for fostering meaningful conversations and understanding.

Confronting Misconceptions About Substance Use

Teens may not fully appreciate the potential consequences of substance use, often believing that they can control their consumption or that certain drugs are harmless. As a parent, your attitude toward drugs can significantly influence your teenager’s choices. Authoritative parenting—characterised by responsiveness to children’s needs while maintaining high standards—fosters an environment where positive mental health practices prevail.

Acknowledging that many teenagers engage in drug use is crucial. Open, non-judgmental discussions can facilitate better understanding and decision-making regarding substances.

Engaging in Meaningful Conversations

When discussing drug use, consider the following approaches:

1. Discuss the Consequences: Educate your teenager about how substances can negatively impact cognitive development and emotional well-being. Neuroscientific research indicates that regular consumption of alcohol and marijuana can impair memory and focus.
2. Recognise the Risks: Acknowledge concerns about addiction—many teenagers may not perceive themselves as vulnerable. Discuss any family history of addiction or mental health issues that could heighten their risk.
3. Explore Alternatives: Help your teenager identify healthier coping mechanisms for intolerable feelings. Encourage participation in activities that reduce stress, anxiety, and isolation, fostering resilience in the face of challenges.
4. Challenge Misinformation: Encourage critical thinking about the perception of substances. Discuss misleading beliefs surrounding drug use and its supposed ability to provide relief from emotional difficulties.
5. Maintain Open Dialogue: Create an environment where your teenager feels comfortable discussing their experiences and thoughts about substances without fear of judgement. Active listening fosters trust and understanding.
6. Model Moderation: As parents, it is crucial to model moderation in substance use. Your own habits and attitudes towards substances will influence your teenager’s perceptions and behaviours. Demonstrating responsible consumption can serve as a practical guide for your child, reinforcing the importance of balance and moderation.

Ultimately, while it may not be feasible to prevent all substance use, maintaining a supportive and communicative relationship with your teenager is paramount. Holding high expectations while demonstrating understanding can significantly impact their decision-making process. Your supportive role is invaluable in guiding your teen through these formative years casual use, or brand them as addicts, beyond hope or as bad people. Holding positive regard for our teens, whilst expecting them to be responsible to reach their best, really does help.

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About the author

Angela Watkins is a counsellor working with teens and adults. One of her areas of expertise is breaking free from addictions and substance misuse. If you would like to contact Angela for a session please email angelaw@reddoor.hk.

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References

1 –https://www.nd.gov.hk/en/survey_of_drug_use_20-21.html

2 The teenage brain – Jensen and Nutt

3. Alcohol lied to me.

https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-Lied-to-Me-New-Edition-audiobook/dp/B00HWHMWNW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TKXAOCEDF0FP&keywords=alcohol+lied+to+me&qid=1677220520&sprefix=alcohol+lied+t%2Caps%2C1312&sr=8-1

Practicing gratitude will help develop a more positive mindset which will help be more practiced in seeking the pleasing elements of your life, leading to a greater sense of satisfaction in general.

Practicing gratitude regularly, either through journaling or keeping a gratitude jar, helps to develop the habit of gratitude. When we practice gratitude regularly, we start to mentally contrast negative news stories and voices around us, looking for the positive element rather than amplifying the negative.

Practicing gratitude is associated with a stronger immune system, as well as more positive emotions and happiness. Its easy to be grateful over the big things, a bonus, the birth of a child, and a promotion.

The real benefit for individuals in practicing gratitude over the smaller things – a sunny day, a successful cake, a kind gesture from a friend, technology that works without trouble. That is where the magic happens. Practicing gratitude helps us to build a bank of positive elements in our lives to review when we feel like we have nothing positive to live for, or be happy about.

Consider the following exercise – the gratitude jar.

I particularly like this exercise because both adults and children can use it Take a jar and label it your gratitude jar. If you have children, you might like to decorate this jar with stickers and plastic gemstones. Once the jar is “complete” you can start to fill it with daily comments of things that you are grateful for. In moments of despair, or even as a weekly mental retreat, take out all of the notes and remember the things you have to be grateful for, and the darkness or negativity can be pushed aside.

The term self-esteem is a broad construct. When we explore a person’s self-esteem we measure, in general the positive regard that they hold for themselves, including the acceptance of one’s weaknesses, one’s strengths and a perception of your equality to others.

Individuals that have positive, not over inflated, self-esteem are more compassionate to others, able to forgive their own mistakes, hold themselves more accountable, and set realistic goals. External circumstances do not define their value. In general, they know what they are worth.

In counselling when we see a person with poor self-esteem, we have a lot of work ahead of us. We need to determine the genesis of our client’s self-esteem before we work on creating a customised intervention to improve their self-esteem.

The creation of your self-esteem can be shaped by your thinking style, the messages you received as a child from your family, your current acceptance of how you look, achievements and disappointments in your life, messages received from friends and within romantic relationships, the information that you feed yourself on a daily basis (eg social media) and the challenges that you have been tasked to overcome so far in your life. . Helping clients identify the drivers of their self-concept is interesting, and complex work.

Take a moment to consider your self-esteem. How would you rate your current self-esteem? Positive? Weak? Inflated? You can consider  an online assessment to gain a snapshot of your self-esteem. A simple assessment can be gained via the following link from the anxiety centre website. Take the test. How did you do?  

Self-Esteem – Self Quiz

If your self esteem was positive, well done. You can read on to ensure that you maintain a robust, reflective self- esteem. If the assessment indicated that your self-esteem was weak, could you consider the following reflections and exercises to help you rebuild a positive self- esteem.

The genesis of our self-esteem.

Think about how you were raised, how your family spoke to you, or treated you as a child. Did you feel accepted? Did you readily receive love from your parents? Do you feel you had to perform tasks, or hide parts of yourself, in order for you to feel accepted by your parents? Was your home as safe place for your, or rather a source of fear or chaos? All of those elements will influence the value you give yourself. It is not surprising that children who believe they needed to perform extremely well in tests at school encounter emotional difficulty accepting career development setbacks as adults. These individual’s  “value” is attached to achievement rather than self-acceptance.

The teen years seem to have a strong impact on that adult’s later self-esteem. Success in friendships can help bolster ones’ self-concept. The experience of bullying, teasing or exclusion seem to leave long term scars on ones’ perception of self-worth. “How can I be valuable as a person, if people chose to treat me so badly?”. When our teens encounter such experiences, it is extremely valuable to help them talk out such experiences, potentially with a counsellor if you lack the confidence to manage this empathetically.

An interesting source of nutrients, and toxins, to our self-esteem is the consumption of social media. If one explores the values endorsed by Instagram, women are exposed to a plethora of contradictory positions – have a juicy ass and no butt at all; in order to be valued you should have a boyfriend; but be also be completely ok being single, you should be confident and willing to speak up, but be polite and make people comfortable; be ambitious about your career but also be willing to prioritise the need for rest and time out. Perfection on the internet is not only impossible, it’s insane.

A large component of your self-esteem is attached to how you process the world, and if you are strongly influenced by thinking filters.

How your thoughts influence your self-esteem

It is possible to change your thoughts. A famous psychologist, Albert Ellis, identified a plethora of irrational beliefs that we develop as part of the way we are raised, see the world, and believe in ourselves and other people. These beliefs are like a pair of glasses, which can interfere with the way that we see situations. When we see a situation though faulty filters the result can be self-hatred and diminished self-worth

You can help yourself and remove your faulty filters by creating a constructive dispute with yourself, or even have a counsellor lead this discussion for you. The dialogue will depend on the filters that you use most frequently. Experiencing faulty filters is quite common, if you discover you have been experiencing faulty filters, you can change the view.

Black-and-white-thinking.

This type of thinking occurs when you look at situations in a polarized way – situations, people, activities are either good or bad, nothing in between. Most situations are neither complete disaster or beyond fantastic, often situation have both good and bad aspects. Most people have some attributes that you find challenging, but this doesn’t make these people totally bad or good.

Black and white thinking. When people wear black-and-white-thinking filters they can respond in an inflexible way to challenges – “I didn’t get an A in that test and now my future is ruined “or “I submitted that assignment but I made an error in the first paragraph so the whole article is now rubbish”.

In particular people who have black-and-white-thinking in relation to people find themselves being particularly judgmental towards themselves – seeing themselves as either a winner or a loser in a situation. This can erode their resilience. Every setback can become a tragedy, rather than a minor bump in the road of life.

Shoulding or Musting expectations.

It is irrational to believe that most things are absolutely necessary. Believing that acts should be performed in a particular way, at a specific time, or in an exact order, creates a tyranny of should – a condition where you live life dictated by a list of thoughts which are not really rational.

Whilst everyone has lots of things that they should (or could) be doing, some beliefs are irrational in their detail and in their believed consequences. For example, if everything needs to be perfect, this creates a lot of pressure on a person to perform a task to a (sometimes) unrealistic standard. Believing that you need to be the perfect student, parent, worker, lover, or be in control of all events in your life, be slim and attractive at all times, always be interesting, always have a friction free family – is unrealistic and unrelenting on your self-esteem.

You may start to doubt yourself: feeling like a failure because you can not maintain your own (self-imposed) impossible standards,

You may lose the confidence to start new tasks (procrastination) – too frozen in fear to start a project without already being an expert, or knowing you will be perfect at it.

Jumping to negative conclusions.

We all have the tendency to occasionally jump to conclusions and this may influence our self-esteem. We may assume that someone deliberately performed an activity that hurt our feelings, or event assume and intent to their inaction (e.g. they don’t like me). In these situations, limited information or evidence can be used to support negative conclusions. This may be the case when we fail to get success at work, thinking that others are not supportive, when they are sometimes just too busy or not focused on our priority.

This type of faulty filter can lead to inaccuracies regarding our perception of people and situations. If we attribute our self-worth to the perceived view that we believe that others hold of us, our self-esteem can be impacted.

Overgeneralizing.

Overgeneralizing is a special type of jumping to thinking that involves jumping to conclusions – both negative and positive. Overgeneralizing is often reflected in our language choices – we use extreme frequency terms to describe behaviours – “they ALWAYS forget”, “Things NEVER go right for me in love relationships, EVERYBODY is happy except for me”. “Now that I am separated, ALL my married friends won’t want to see me”. Occasionally we may even do this after a single instance – one rejection letter leading to the assumption “I will never get a job”.

This type of faulty filter can impact our self-worth, especially if we attribute our perception of self to the beliefs, real or otherwise, we believe others have of us.

Personalising.

When we personalise we feel responsible for events or situations that are not our fault, or we assume that those events are our fault. It can lead to us feeling offended when it isn’t necessary. If a friend ignores your text may not mean that you’ve offended them, instead it may mean they are busy. They may not be trying to offend us, or even be having an emotional reaction to something we have done.

Personalization can be a symptom of co-dependency in relationships. I once had a grumpy boss, and many of us who reported to him walked around on eggshells, torturing ourselves over what we had done wrong to upset him. Rather than wasting valuable energy on this worry, it might have been more constructive to let him have his time being grumpy (after all his emotions are his responsibility) and get on with the work that needed to be done.

If you have performed an act, either selfishly or unwittingly, where another person was hurt. You can take responsibility for your role in a situation, and apologize or try to make amends, but leave it to that situation. Whilst we can take responsibility for our own behaviour and thoughts, we do not need to take responsibility for the choices of others. Our own behaviour determines our worth, not the emotional responses of others.

Filtering

People with poor self-esteem often filter information in a way that maintains their poor self-esteem. Imagine you are in a group of people and each is providing feedback on your work. Nine of the 10 people say you did a wonderful job. One person says they thought your contribution wasn’t as good as they needed from you on that occasion. Which do you remember – the 9 positive remarks, or the one negative. That is filtering.

Filtering becomes a threat to our self -esteem if you use this faulty thinking style frequently. In the era of the internet where people can feel more willing to troll other people and say horrible things online, selecting what you choose to believe and reinforce as regards your sense of self, is extremely important. This is especially true for teens who use internet vehicles to test reactions to their world views – and perhaps do not yet have the resilience to rebuff negative feedback.

Comparing

Comparing is such an influential thinking filter on our self-esteem that I have included a full blog on this topic.

COMPARISON: a one-way ticket to Misery

It is common to consider our own attractiveness, status, success, and personal worth relative to others. Comparing oneself constantly can become quite negative, especially when we assume elements about the other person and ourselves. For example, thinking a person who gets a better pay rise than you is an overall better person than you is not only unrealistic, it is unproductive.

Labelling.

We all make mistakes or act foolishly sometimes. When we label ourselves, rather than placing the label onto our behaviour,  we diminish our self-worth. For example, if you made a mistake on a report you could say, “I made a mistake”, or you could label “I’m so stupid”. The latter response does nothing for your self-esteem. Acknowledge mistakes and bad choices as part of life, that can be forgiven.

It is also illogical to label others, on the basis of one inference or observation. One fight with a colleague does not make her a “bitch”. When we label others, we not only diminish them, we provide rationalization for further retaliation, “its okay to do xyz, because she is a bitch”. This is clearly not rational, and can often become prejudicial. Believing in these labels can erode our self-worth, as well as our regard for other people.

In counselling we work to help our clients capture, explore and refute these thoughts. When we start to let go of these thought patterns it is likely we will be able to release ourselves from negative self-talk that impacts our self-esteem.

In the attached blog I provide advice how you can change the channel on some of these thought patterns. Please consider to engage in these reflections and exercises.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/

If you feelings of low self-worth persist please consider to work with a mental health professional such as you will find at RED DOOR. #selfesteem #catastrophising   #commonthinkingerrors  #faultythinking #blackandwhitethinking  #comparison