Welcome to our blog series, “Love Matters,” where counsellors Angela Watkins and Elizabeth Wu delve into the complexities of relationships and love. With a shared passion for helping individuals navigate their romantic lives, Angela serves as a practising couple’s therapist, while Liz brings her expertise to address the emotional intricacies of love to individuals,
In this session, we turn our focus to the sensitive topic of infidelity. Infidelity is a multifaceted issue that can have devastating effects on relationships. Whether rooted in emotional connections or physical affairs, the breach of trust often leads to heartbreak, confusion, and turmoil. In today’s fast-paced world, where social media and online interactions can blur the lines of intimacy, understanding the nuances of infidelity becomes essential. This blog will explore the various dimensions of infidelity, including its causes, effects, and the journey towards healing for those affected. Join us as we illuminate the realities of betrayal and the path to recovery together.
Is Infidelity the end of a relationship?
The quick answer is no, but it is the end of the relationship as it was. That version of trust, innocence and safety has died. The question is whether you’re both willing to mourn that loss and build something new, sometimes with the same two people.
If you want to survive infidelity, you need to engage with the affair properly first and be honest with yourselves. You will need to explore questions like:
Why did the affair happen?
What was it serving?
What does the behaviour reveal about the relationship?
And what does this reveal about the individual who has betrayed the relationship?
If the betrayed partner is genuinely willing to move towards understanding, then there is a chance for you to survive it. There is research that has shown that couples who survive infidelity report more intimacy afterwards when both are equally committed to the repair. However, if the unfaithful partner remains defensive or the betrayed partner cannot tolerate ambiguity, the likelihood of surviving this will be slim.
In this process, I would highly recommend using seeking professional support, this is something that is very difficult to navigate successfully alone. It’s too large for it to be settled just between two people.
Affairs represent both an act of betrayal and an expression of longing, love, and loss. They destroy the innocence of a relationship, and while there are many reasons why affairs occur—such as loneliness, years of sexual stagnation, resentment, regret, neglect, craving attention, alcohol misuse, and extended time apart—these elements are often the nuts and bolts of everyday infidelity.
People stray because their marriage fails to provide the love, passion, and individual attention they expect. Our perceptions of marriage and relationships have evolved, leading to differing expectations.
When working with couples in therapy, I often say, “Your first marriage is over. Would you like to explore what version 2.0 looks like for you?” Even if one partner has strayed, it’s essential to recognize the underlying conditions that contributed to that choice. This isn’t about assigning blame, but rather about understanding that the relationship may not have been where it needed to be.
A third party, like a therapist, can be invaluable in unpacking these complexities. Infidelity is not merely about one person’s wrongdoing; it’s crucial to explore the unmet needs and emotional voids within the marriage. This helps us understand why someone sought attention outside the relationship. Ultimately, infidelity is a symptom of a other issues requiring attention and change, not the end of the relationship.
Can you forgive a cheater?
There’s a beautiful phrase by Esther Perel, the esteemed relationship therapist, which resonates deeply: “Every betrayal was once a love story.” Betrayal affects us on many levels—it destroys the innocence of the relationship and leads to feelings of abandonment, rejection, and humiliation. Love is meant to protect us, creating a sense of safety or a “bubble,” but when that bubble bursts, it shatters our perceptions of love and self-worth, leaving us vulnerable and hurt.
Forgiveness in this context is intricate and not automatic. It’s more than just saying “sorry”; it involves doing the necessary work to understand how we arrived at this point and envisioning what the next version of our relationship could look like. Recommitting to the relationship can be challenging, especially in therapy when it becomes clear that deeper issues have persisted for years. However, recognizing that certain aspects are stagnant or damaged doesn’t automatically lead to divorce. It simply highlights that forgiveness can be a struggle.
I would also like to add that forgiveness doesn’t always mean staying in the relationship. You can forgive someone and still choose to leave. Forgiveness is not the same as condoning what happened, and it does not erase the betrayal.
Consider forgiveness as a state of mind, an act of releasing yourself from a prison of resentment that shouldn’t be yours to carry. It’s like drinking poison while waiting for the other person to die. Which is kind of true, because unsolved resentment actives your stress responses, which in turn affects your sleep and immune functions, but worse of all, it keeps you tethered to these painful memories that you are supposed to be moving past.
Ultimately, forgiveness allows you to find peace and move forward in your life, regardless of your decision to stay or leave. Give yourself that gift.
Yeah, I love the concept of, you know, forgiveness being the gift that you give to yourself. So, there’s kind of famous cases of people who have had very abusive relationships, or like when they were kidnapped, you know, like, and they forgive their kidnappers simply so that that person has no more power over them.
Is chatting online cheating?
“I believe that cheating is subjective and depends on individual perspectives. Each couple sets their own expectations for their relationship, which are not always discussed explicitly. By clarifying our expectations, we can have open discussions as a team about what we consider cheating.”
Yes, I know many couples don’t discuss boundaries for digital relationships, and that can create a grey zone. If you have never discussed digital boundaries, then you are both navigating by assumption, and these assumptions can build into quiet resentment.
A good way to test this is – would you be comfortable showing your partner this conversation in its entirety right now? Not curated by the whole thread. If the answer is not an immediate yes, then that’s worth exploring. Secrecy does not mean wrongdoing but can be a signal that a boundary is being approached.
I urge couples to have an honest discussion about digital agreement before this becomes an issue. What does infidelity look like in this era of technology? Is following influencers you find attractive ok? Is commenting or liking other people’s photos ok? This does not have to be an awkward conversation but a loving one. You can write the rules so clearly so there are no misunderstandings, rather than finding out after the fact that you were operating on different assumptions.
Also, when your friendship pool is your dating pool, it’s very, very different.
Quite simply people can have different expectations on what is cheating and what is not, so having a discussion on what is considered cheating might be helpful for many couples.
Is a physical affair worse from an emotional affair?
Much has been written about whether an emotional affair is worse than a physical one—Esther Perel refers to these as “stolen love” versus “forbidden sex.” I find her phrasing compelling. In my experience working in divorce and marital counselling, I often see that people can forgive physical infidelity but struggle to forgive an emotional connection. It’s not that they cannot accept desire; rather, they are deeply troubled by sharing the feeling of being special or seen with someone else.
Additionally, Perel makes a noteworthy distinction between “professional sex” and sex within a romantic relationship. She recounts some of her clients’ perspectives: “You don’t have to pay a prostitute to come; you just have to pay her to leave.” This illustrates how some view sex differently than emotions. According to Perel’s findings, many men tend to commoditize sex, especially concerning aspects like pornography or visiting prostitutes, which are often seen as just “things men do.”
Ultimately, I believe that society is often more accepting of physical encounters than emotional connections, which carry deeper implications for intimacy and trust.
Forgiveness and moving on become particularly difficult when the person in an emotional affair feel more like a construct than a real individual with substance, especially when it involves “stolen love.” This type of infidelity often invokes feelings of rejection and humiliation in the other party. It leads to a perception that there is something inherently wrong with them, rather than simply grappling with the idea that their partner may not find them attractive or may have certain preferences or kinks.
With “stolen love,” it feels as though the individual is building a parallel world with someone else, which adds another layer of complexity to the betrayal. It takes a lot of time and resources to build something like that, and that type of emotional investment would create a deeper attachment wound than a type of physical betrayal, which can be written off as a moment of weakness, a failure of impulse.
However, I think even having a hierarchy of asking which is “worse” can also minimize one’s pain over another over the category of affair. Neither is worse, they both shatter trust. A betrayal is a betrayal, your trust is broken in both cases, whether it is physical or emotional, and any form of betrayal of your loved one is a very painful experience.
I know that my friend’s partner is cheating. Should I tell my friend?
There’s a well-known family therapist, Lisa Spiegel, who poses an important question: “Is it helpful? Is it honest? Is it kind?” So, I recommend to check why and what you want to say.
Having run Iron Fairies for nine years, I’ve seen many women in that group who experienced betrayal through infidelity in their marriages. Some discovered the truth late, while others were already aware, and many had friends who knew as well. My informal research suggests that most of these women would have preferred their friends to inform them of the betrayal
Whilst it already humiliating to learn that your partner has been unfaithful, but discovering that everyone else knew intensifies that humiliation. When faced with betrayal, individuals often enter cycles of rumination about what others think or say about them. If they suspect that others are aware of the affair, this cycle can become even more painful. This is part of the harm of infidelity; it can open a chasm of painful self-esteem-oriented worries in a partner
For me, I also have three questions to build on yours:
What do you know?
Why do you want to tell them?
And who is this person to you?
On what you know – Did you see something directly or is it told to you by someone else? If it is told, how trustworthy is that person and who is that person to you? There is a difference between confirmed knowledge and gathered intel. The weight of your obligation should be considered on where your information sits. Sharing a confirmed fact is different than blowing up a relationship based on speculation.
On why – Do you want to tell them purely out of love and loyalty? Have you always disapproved of this partner for your friend? Identify these feelings before you act, because they will shape how you deliver this information.
On who is this person to you – how close are you to this person? Is trust the foundation of your relationship? Should you be getting involved in this situation by telling them direct or are you better off telling someone in their close circle?
Going back to Angela’s 3 points of leading with helpfulness, honesty and most of all kindness – these are all important considerations as this information can shatter someone’s world.
Reflecting on your example, I recall a time when a friend and I informed another girlfriend that her partner was unfaithful. We were shocked by her reaction; she simply accused us of lying and chose to ignore our concerns, leading to the end of that friendship. This experience highlights an important consideration: what will you do if the person takes no action? It’s essential to contemplate your own response in such situations. Understanding that once you’ve shared the information, how the other person reacts is beyond your control can help you find peace with the outcome. Ultimately, you must reconcile the fact that it’s not your responsibility if they choose to disregard the truth.
That is right, despite most people saying they would rather know if their partner were cheating, sometimes when disclosure happens, they end up protecting the relationship and distancing the messenger. The possibility is real and worth factoring in your decision, not as a reason to stay silent but to be extra thoughtful in your approach.
What should I do if get stuck feeling jealous and possessive after finding that my partner was unfaithful?
The jealousy and possessiveness you feel after being betrayed are not character flaws but your nervous system doing exactly what it’s been designed to do when a threat to your security appears. The environment you thought was safe was not, and now you are in a state of hypervigilance constantly scanning for next signs of danger.
The problems lies when the trigger is left unresolved even though the threat has passed, this can carry into future relationships long after the affair has ended. This is because your brain has not received enough proof that the environment is safe again.
One thing you can try is to be transparent with your partner, whether it is with the cheater or future partner. If you open vulnerability about this issue, you can work together to rebuild trust again. A counsellor can also help you move from this state of alert towards security over time. Handle it with patience and give yourself the compassion you would extend to anyone that’s been hurt.
I completely agree. It’s entirely normal to feel jealous and possessive after experiencing infidelity. The key is recognizing these feelings without letting them define our actions. For instance, after a betrayal, many people may want transparency, such as checking their partner’s phone or tracking their location with devices like Apple AirTags. While these desires are understandable, research and therapy show that such transparency doesn’t necessarily restore intimacy.
Instead of relying solely on these measures, it’s essential to focus on the underlying issues that rebuild a sense of belonging. Initially, the cost of broken trust might be a tighter leash or increased monitoring. However, I often tell my clients that this approach has a shelf life—it isn’t a permanent solution. If one partner continuously seeks proof of fidelity while the other is punished for past mistakes, true intimacy will remain elusive.
Interestingly, privacy is actually a crucial element for intimacy. When partners are denied their own private space, it becomes difficult to rekindle that closeness. It’s normal to experience jealousy and possessiveness, but it’s important to work through those feelings. A skilled counsellor can help navigate these emotions, ensuring that you don’t feel trapped in them forever. Remember, you can move beyond these feelings and find a healthier emotional dynamic.
Any advice for someone who is going through discovery of their partner cheating?
My advice is if it just happened to you, you are not required to answer or make any decisions right now. Your world just shifted. Please do not make any life decisions while you’re still in shock.
Find a trusted friend or experienced therapist to process what is going on. Give yourself all the space to figure it out. Your attachment is heavily wounded it may be good for you to give yourself some time to become clear headed before you give any replies. For my clients I sometimes would advise 1 week of no contact and journalling to write down what you know versus what you understand about the betrayal. You would be surprised at how you feel on day 7 looking back at your notes on day 1.
In addition, please make sure you take care of your physical body – go on walks, make sure you eat, try to sleep and re-regulate the body, release the trauma from your body and get to safety first. Decisions can always come later and you have more time than you think to consider next steps.
It is indeed very hard. Acknowledging that you’re facing a crisis is an important first step toward recovery. In my experience, a lot of internal mind-reading occurs during these situations—people often interpret what was said or done in ways that may not reflect reality. For example, someone might think, “When he said this, he really meant that,” leading to misunderstandings.
In therapy, I often emphasize the importance of communication, saying, “Your partner is right here; we can ask them directly.” Once someone is labelled a cheater, everything can feel tainted, which creates a life of emotional purgatory for both parties. However, it doesn’t have to remain that way. There is a path to healing, but it requires effort and patience.
It’s essential to realize that a single apology, a diamond bracelet, or any quick fix won’t resolve the underlying issues. True recovery involves doing the work necessary to rebuild trust and intimacy over time.
The pain you feel is directly proportional to the love and investment that you placed in this relationship. Any kind of major life decisions may be also it will be worthwhile to involve a professional, because this is something that just the two of you may not be able to navigate alone.
Absolutely! When someone experiences betrayal through infidelity, they suffer the loss of a coherent narrative—the story they’ve built around their relationship, which has felt long-lasting, safe, and meaningful. The betrayal is painful because it dismantles that trusted narrative. However, it’s essential to recognize that while the old story may be shattered, a new book can be started, your new, hopefully
If you’d like to improve your relationship, or manage feelings within your relationship consider counselling with Liz or Angela. If you’d like to contact us for counselling email angelaw@reddoor.hk or send a whatsapp to HK 93785428.
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