Supporting a friend whilst they go through divorce can be challenging. It is hard to witness people in pain – which is a major component of the divorce process. At times it may be frustrating. You may consider that your friend is making mistakes in their negotiations. You may be of the belief that they are being ‘ too dramatic’ about their circumstances. You may disagree with their narrative of what happened in their marriage. As divorce is an emotional process, your friend might seem, ‘too much’ for you to handle sometimes.

It takes a special kind of friend to be able to support someone during a divorce.

As a counsellor, I help individuals and groups navigating this process. Our RED DOOR proprietary research on divorce indicates that having good friends is one of the most important supports that divorcees say helped them navigate the process positively. It’s great when friends turn up in support of the divorce.

In some instances friend can, inadvertently, make a painful situation worse. In our Iron Fairies support group, a frequent topic of discussion is how divorcees have experienced a second episode of betrayal, first from their marital partner, and secondly, from their closest friends. Friendships make the divorce process both easier, and harder.

The following blog combines my learnings from supporting people through divorce, as well as listening to groups of people share how their friends have helped, and otherwise. If you have a friend going through divorce, I respectfully request that you to consider how you are helping your friend navigate the process, and contemplate if some of your actions might be causing hurt.  

How friends help divorcees navigate the divorce process.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what another people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. By walking in the shoes of your friend going through divorce, you might better understand their fears, anger, and hurt.  When we listen and really try to understand our friends’ feelings and their experience we can be of more help, if we choose to.

You don’t have to fix a situation; you just need to try to understand it.

Patience

You may fiend your friend’s pain and grief exhaustion to be around. People going through divorce are going to explore a plethora of emotions, and occasionally feel overwhelmed and dysregulated. It is common to feel angry, stuck, scared, sad, tired, and defeated. Helping your friend as they run this emotional gauntlet is difficult. Compassion fatigue is a real thing.

It is helpful to understand that divorce takes longer than most people appreciate. A “quick divorce’ is probably a year to 18 months in duration. And your friend’s pain may not end when the decree nisi is received.

A note to those going through divorce – You will probably be surprised by who turns up for you during your divorce. Most people are unaware of the pain of divorce unless it has happened to them directly. Those who have been through the process may become your closest friends during this challenging time.

Be patient with your friend, and understand that for some months, the divorce may be all that they talk about. Give them some time.

Many divorcees express that they fear their friends become “fed up” listening to their updates about divorce. Understand that you can also set boundaries to say, especially after you have listened to their struggles for a good few months, to draw a line and suggest that you want to have other topics to discuss as well as their divorce. This is fair.

However, don’t block the topic of divorce completely, if your friend trusts you, invalidating their greatest pain and need will hurt them.

Define the type of support that your friend needs

One form of boundary that you might like to define with your friend going through divorce is the type of support that they need at this time. They may need tangible support – helping with activities. You could be that someone who goes to court with them, helps them pack boxes, or look after their children on occasion.

Most divorcees need significant emotional support. If this is too hard for you to provide, for your own reasons, provide practical support instead.

Reputation protection

Unfortunately people like to gossip. A couples’ marital breakdown is a juicy piece of news for others to babble about. Don’t join the party. Disengage.

Divorce has enough challenges – the grief of love lost, the need to conduct tricky negotiations – without the humiliation of being the subject of idle chit chat. If you encounter gossip about your friend, shut it down. Remind people how distasteful it is to engage in malicious talk about a person in pain. Then leave.

A person’s ex partner will have their “version of events” which could be slanderous of your friend. Defend your friend without getting caught in the reeds of scandal. For example, you can simply say, “You certainly have a great story that you are running around telling”, and leave it to that. Those within earshot will get the message.

What actions may hurt your friend, directly or inadvertently.

Switzerland*

Your friend may ask you to stop talking to their ex-partner. What do you think of such a request.  might feel convenient, and more mature, to say that you want to stay neutral. After all, you might think, “every story has two sides”.

The chump lady, a regular commentator on surviving infidelity, calls friends who express a desire to be neutral “Switzerlands”. It is not meant as a compliment. When a person is struggling in pain, people rarely seek out “neutral” support. They want to feel understood.

In my experience as a counsellor, individuals going through divorce need to feel that their friends are on their side. Only when this basic tenant is in place do you have the validity to shine light on your friends choices. Your friend is vulnerable and will possibly surround themselves with people who’s loyalty is clear.

Wanting to remain neutral may be more about your comfort level. It is difficult to negotiate social relationships with both parties in a divorce. Friends that try to play Switzerland sometimes inadvertently given key information away. Simply talking to both parties in a divorce puts you in a position where you might hold information best not shared. Remember you are not a qualified, or invited, mediator.

If you in a couple who were couple friends with the divorcing partners, you will need to be very careful about alliances. Often one of each couple, support different people in the divorce. If you find yourself in this emotional matrix, be careful regarding what information you share with your romantic partner. It is hard to know the value of information when tricky negotiations are taking place.

Comparison

Other peoples drama can seem unattached and difficult to understand, as its not your drama. You may try to analyse your friend’s relationship so that you can find out what went wrong. Check your motives for doing this.

What we see in practice is that sometimes people are looking what to avoid in their own marriage when analyzing their friend’s marital breakdown. Inadvertently, you may be looking to blame your friend for their marriage breakdown, so that you can, within a cognitive bias, say your relationship is stronger than theirs.

For example, you might consider, “Amy’s husband left her. Amy refused to take on work outside the home and the weight of supporting the family fell onto Jim alone. I have a good job so its unlikely that my partner will leave me.”

Its tough to not compare, just reflect, are you helping, or hurting, or even simply trying to provide yourself with an illusion of “security” through this comparison.

Betrayals

Many divorcees experience perceived betrayals by friends during the divorce process. Through our support of people going through the process of divorce we hear numerous accounts of friendship betrayals including:

• 📜 Sharing key information about the divorcee with their ex-partner.
• 💌 Flirting with the divorcee’s ex-partner.
• 😤 Expressing frustration with the divorcee to others, without asking for space from their divorce process.
• ⚔️ Using your friend’s divorce as a tool against them when competing for a job opportunity.
• 🎯 Setting the ex-partner up on dates.
• 🤫 Keeping secrets about their ex-partner and gossiping to others about what you know.
• 🇨🇭 Pretending to be “Switzerland”

For many people the process of divorce can be humiliating. We need to be careful not to kick our friends with when they are down.

It is not easy to be a good friend during the divorce process. It takes a special person to help navigate the pain, fear and necessary change. If you can be that person for your friend, you are to be admired, congratulated, and cherished.

About the author- Angela Watkins is a counsellor working for several years with individuals going through divorce in individual and group therapy (the Iron Fairies). To contact Angela for session information contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

About The Iron Fairies

• for more information about Switzerlands, read Leave a cheater, gain a life: the chump lady’s survival guide by Tarachy Schorn.

How highly do you rate the communications within your romantic relationship? How well do you rate your own ability to communicate? I’ve been a couples’ counsellor for more than 7 years, and in this article, I am happy to share 5 principles that I’ve seen and learned that will improve your communication bond.

Communication is not just a component of your relationship; it is the one of the greatest diagnostics predicting the success of your relationship. Couples who have conversations that include contempt or criticism, are more likely to experience relationship failure. What can couples do to improve or establish positive communication patterns in their relationships?

Be Curious/Be Generous.

When couples come to counselling one of the regular traits that we, as counsellors see, is a lack of generosity when describing each other’s behaviours. One partner often tells us what their partner thinks and why they do the things they do. When we challenge these perceptions, they are revealed as just that, perceptions rather than realty. Why do we jump to these conclusions, thinking that our partners thoughts and actions are constructed to cause us injury? Firstly, one reason is that  we have lost curiosity about what our partner is really thinking. We jump to conclusions instead. And then, secondly, because we jump to conclusions, we assume motive. Often acts that upset us were not conducted as a means to deliberately hurt one another. Often hurt occurs out of lack of thought, or neglect of feelings, or concern for own needs. There isn’t a specific malicious intent.

Ask rather than assume. Be curious to explore what your partner is thinking. Be generous when considering their motivations.

It’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct in a situation, that allows partners to turn towards each other rather than turn away from each other. This process is referred to attunement. You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your romantic partner as well as sharing your inner world. It is exciting when we practice and receive love through the process of attunement. This helps couples greatly improve their communication, and their relationships.

You don’t have to “totally relate” and agree with your partner. Simply showing your partner that you are willing to listen and understand, rather than judge can change the dynamic of your relationship.

Feeling accepted by one’s partner is a substantial gift. Acceptance by your partner goes a long way towards building a sense of “we” as a couple. When we listen and understand our partner, we model acceptance.

Bring your best self to your communications with your partner

Unfortunately, we often present the calmest, warmest, most rational versions of ourselves to complete (and sometimes unimportant) strangers, whilst our romantic partners see the worst of us. When you stand back from the relationships in your life, who gets the best version of you?

When we give our romantic partners the best versions of ourselves being curious and generous may become a bit easier to do.

When you are being your best self with people are you critical? With our partners it helps to dial down your criticism. Definitely stop using insults. When you do feel the need to address your partners behaviours avoid comments that use the term “You”, rather make I statements. I statements saying “I want, I fear, I feel”, help you express yourself empathetically with emotional awareness. Avoid saying “I think”.

Remember that constructive criticism focuses on actions, and data, rather than sweeping character judgements.  If you have a tendency to jump to conclusions about the motivations of your partner, I encourage you to talk about what you see going on, without your assumptions. Collect data on how often an event occurs. This helps you avoid the destructively descriptives of “always” and “never” which often lead partners to feel defensive. When we say, “You never take out the rubbish”, you have not acknowledged the one time your partner did. If you want to ask for help, ask for help, and give proper data.

When you are the best version of yourself, could you consider praising behaviours that you want to experience more frequently rather than criticising behaviours that bother you. Saying something like, “I really appreciated that you listened to me last night when I told you about my problems at work. I’d feel valued if you could do that more often”, rather than “You listened to my work problems for one whole minute, why can’t you be more supportive”.

Understand that conflict is normal, and you can respond to conflict in a healthy fashion.

Many couples believe that conflicts are actually a reality of relationships. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married or partnered with the wrong person. Rather, conflict teach us how to love, support and encourage each other.

According to the Gottman Institute, the landmark couples therapy programme in the US, the difference between masterful, successful couples, and those who break up, is how they deal with conflicts that occur in their relationships. Successful couples treat their partners as friends with respect and warmth, starting difficult conversations with soft start ups and attune to their partners’ dialogue.

You don’t have to win a fight, rather see the issue that you are fighting about as external to your relationship. There is you, and your partner, facing the problem. When the problem becomes external to you personally you can step away from a point scoring mentality. Rather than winning you can explore issues and allow your partner to contribute, and perhaps even influence you. You might agree to meet in the middle on an issue, meet on their side, or even meet on it later, when you are able to resolve an issue in a calmer fashion. We can be flexible, we can negotiate. When we treat conflicts as external problems for our team of “We” to be solved, the relationship wins. Glorify the struggle as problem that “we” can solve.

Accentuate the positive.

Sometimes couples can become trapped in negative communication cycles after a conflict. To break this cycle, and even improve the general temperature in your relationship, commit yourself to focusing on the positive practices for a day, or a week.

Successful couples communicate more positively than negatively. The Gottman Institute (see books by John Gottman below) suggest that successful couples communicate positive sentiments at least, 5 x more than the communicate negative sentiment. Sometimes even more.

A dedicated period of positive communication, both verbal and non-verbally, helps repair some of the hurt in a relationship. If you and your partner can commit to even 24 hours of positive communication, you may see a significant shift in your perception about your relationship.

During that day try to share compliments and appreciation for the actions of your partner. Express fondness. It will help if both of you commit to this exercise. In session, we often see couples waiting for their partner to ‘go first’.

Talk Less

When you are talking during a period of conflict, or negotiation, consider talking less. Overtalking on your part can lead to under listening from your partner. When you are talking with your partner, try to make your point in 3 sentences or less. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than getting the result you want. Remember the main goal is to improve your relationship, rather than win an argument.

In order to talk less you need to firstly stay focused on the issue at hand. Don’t kitchen sink during a discussion. Kitchen sinking is a form of complaining where one of the partners decides to ‘throw everything in but the kitchen sink’, meaning every time an argument happens, they decide to list out every complaint and mistakes of their partners. This technique is tempting to use when winning becomes more important that resolution.

Secondly, try to really listen. Try empathetic listening (for more see the book, I hear you).. Empathetic listening happens when we listen with curiously, we give our full attention, invite your partner to open up, observe their verbal and non-verbal communicative tools, encourage our partners to continue talking, and offer validation on their experience.

Listening is not just about hearing and repeating what your partner says, it is about validating what has been said. Offering validation involves demonstrating that you understand your partners’ experiences. You might say something like, “I can see why you felt that way in that situation”, or “I think a lot of people would feel as you do in these circumstances”. Try to stay focused on understanding your partner’s experience. Try not to jump into “fixing” mode, or matching (or surpassing) with an example from your own life.

You don’t have to be silent. Balance in conversations is important. If you feel that your partner talks a lot more than you do, you can ask if you can set a 1-minute timer to talk. This might help both of you focus on your messaging. Remember, keep it kind.

Our romantic relationships are important. Often, we just expect, because there is love, that communication will be easy. Good communication takes work. Make the investment, it pays significant dividends.

About the author. Angela Watkins is an experienced couple’s counsellor working out of Red Door Counselling in Hong Kong. To contact Angela to talk about your relationship email her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk

Useful books if you want to learn more about communication in your romantic relationship:

• Chapman. G.  (2010) Things I wish I’d known before we got married.
• Gottman, J., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2018). Eight Dates – Essential conversations for a lifetime of love.
• Gottman, J & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work.
• Lerner, H. (2012) Marriage rules: A manual for the married and coupled up.
• Richo, D. (2021) How to be an adult in relationships – the five keys to mindful loving.
• Sorensen, M. S. (2017) I hear you: The surprising simple skill behind extraordinary relationships.

One of the unfortunate side effects of the COVID pandemic is that our homes became our workplaces, and for many hours of work became without boundaries. Use your time away to disconnect from your job, and also some of your social media habit. Write that out of office message and mean it. If you like to check emails determine that you will only do it once a day, not constantly. Allow your workplace to miss you for a change. Taking some time away from devices especially your phone is extremely good for you. It helps create more space for you to be creative again. Look at the time you spend on your time by checking your screen time and your first 3 apps that you use, can you get those numbers down over your holiday. Set yourself a limit and see how you do. Consider reading more on this issue. My personal recommendations include the books, “How to break up with your phone” by Catherine Price, and “Digital madness” by Nicholas Kardaras.

Any digital detox could also include gaming consoles for teens as well as time on social media apps – particularly Instagram and snapchat.

Take time to connect – in the right way.

Often holiday time is family time. When you slow yourselves down from your busy day to day activities, you can build more special memories together. Make sure that you are not racing from one Instagram-able event to another. Really connect with your partner and your children. Ask them about their favourite books, films etc. Take time to get to know your family again.

Rest.

Please make sure that take a break if you need it. Rest. Your body will thank you for you.

Reset

Consider what has been working well in your life and what you could do during your time away to help you improve your health. Some light exercise, more fruits and vegetables might be great choices. Watch your alcohol consumption whilst you are away. The occasional celebration is great, but takes it toll on your body and your mind.

Reflect.

If you can consider journalling over the break. I often tell client that journalling is a free form of therapy. For more information on journaling see some of our articles on this topic.

Troubled by your thoughts? Start a journal.

The power of reflection: Six reasons to start a journal

Build memories.

Try something new, see something new. We are really a collection of our experiences, not the things that we have.

I hope you get to get away this summer. And if you do, invest in your mental health.

Sometimes in therapy we ask clients to capture their thoughts so that they can better examine how they are interpreting events in their lives..

Our thoughts influence our feelings, which in turn, effect our behaviours (responses). If your thinking is not rational then the feelings and behaviour may be out of whack.

Our thinking can be influenced by forces such as cognitive filters (see article link below) and cognitive bias, we need to be constantly reviewing our thoughts so we respond constructively to situations rather than react in negative ways.

To help you challenge some of your thoughts process one useful way is to write down your thoughts in a thought log. A thought log helps you organise your thoughts and the events that stimulated these thoughts and the consequences of those thoughts. By capturing and examining your thoughts you can see how they influence your behaviour

Many times, your thoughts and behaviours are unhelpful to you. Events, are not as you think they are. Reflecting on your thoughts, and reactions allows you to consider different ways to interpret situations and potentially change your behaviour.

Forms like this are often used in CBT therapy. Sometimes they ask you to capture them, sometimes they also have segments to dispute them. A typical thought log will help you capture notes about the situation, your thoughts, the evidence in support of your thoughts as well as alternatives.

If you have been reacting to situation in a manner that you consider unhelpful or potentially unhealthy, a thought log might be a great first step to helping you capture what is happening between your thoughts, and your behaviour.

Read more about Cognitive filters and how they influence your thoughts at the following link:

Change your thinking – change your life.

So many people are living in a psychological jail created by a sense of shame. Shame doesn’t have to dominate how you feel about yourself, and the decisions that you make. Break free from the prison of shame.

Shame is a complex, painful experience that most of us experience at some point in our lives. It is characterised by the mental distress, often together with unpleasant feelings within your body including feeling like you have knots in your stomach, chest pain, lumps in the throat, and heated skin, when you feel you have done or are wrong in a situation. There are usually accompanying negative intrusive thoughts such as, “I am bad or messed up”.

When our shame becomes chronic, it can take over our identity and our energy to live fully. When we experience this type of shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or feeling flawed. Whatever, we feel ashamed of, at its foundation is an unconsciously belief of inferiority or being unacceptable – even being unlovable. I call these our root shame beliefs – they include thoughts such as:

• I am unlovable
• I am dirty
• I am disgusting
• I am inferior
• I am a joke
• I am a bad person
• I am a fraud
• I deserve to be punished
• I am nothing

Shame is a common denominator in low self-esteem, high reactivity, perfectionism, intimacy issues and co-dependency. Shame traps us. Shame breaks us.

There are different types of shame – some is attached to situations, when you break an norm or expectation, or existential shame, when you come to realise something about yourself (e.g. you drink too much). When shame internalised/toxic shame it becomes especially problematic. Internalised/ Toxic shame is when you believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Often this is the result of external experiences or commentary.

Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is about a specific behaviour or fear of a punishment, whilst shame is about feeling that something is unacceptable about us. When we feel shame, blame is never far behind.

Certain cultures place a high value on reputation, face, honour, and contributions to the community. In such societies, shame may be employed as a tool to modify a community member’s behaviour. In extreme cases, if a “wrong” cannot be corrected, traditional expectations may even include drastic measures such as suicide.

If shame has been shaping your experiences, please know that you can move beyond feelings of disconnection, rejection, and diminishment.

What Are People Ashamed Of?

People contend with a wide array of shame-related issues. In therapy, we work to liberate our clients from these burdens. Often, as individuals who care deeply about our clients, we wish to help them understand that they should not feel ashamed of the things they find shameful. Shame is rarely fair or rational; it erodes our sense of self and our capacity for acceptance unnecessarily.

• Common sources of shame include:
• Appearance
• Culture and ethnicity
• Addictions (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling)
• Mental health
• Sexuality
• Identity
• Financial circumstances or status
• Learning challenges
• Marital status, especially for those who’ve experienced divorce
• Rejection by family of origin
• Being in an abusive relationship

Defence Mechanisms Against Shame

We often respond to shame through various maladaptive strategies. Reflect on whether you have employed any of these techniques to maintain distance from or avoid confronting your shame:

• Denial/Repression: This occurs when we refuse to acknowledge what has transpired or bury it because we or others consider it unacceptable. Such responses can result in becoming easily triggered, as we mask our sensitivities. Paradoxically, in attempting to diminish the impact of a stimulus, we may become hypersensitive to minor criticisms, fearing they could expose our source of shame.
• Projection: This involves disowning our unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or qualities and attributing them to others. Sometimes, we may blame another person preemptively to avoid being judged ourselves.
• Self-Pity/Victimisation: While real victimisation occurs, some may adopt a victim mentality to evade personal growth. In rare instances, individuals might provoke abuse from others to receive the punishment they believe they deserve.
• Withdrawal: Individuals may retreat into isolation to ensure that others are unaware of the source of their shame. Introverts may find themselves particularly prone to this approach.
• Avoidance/Addiction: Strong feelings of shame can lead individuals to self-medicate as a means of escaping the negative feelings and thoughts associated with self-hatred.
• Contempt: At times, individuals may adopt an arrogant demeanour as a defence mechanism, using an inflated sense of self to shield against feelings of inferiority.
• Envy: We might compare ourselves to others and blame them for our situations, believing, for example, “I am this way because others possess resources that I lack.”
• Oversharing: When prompted about our circumstances, we may feel compelled to divulge our entire story, including all the unpleasant details, as a way of discharging our shame.
• Acting Out in Anger or Aggression: Our aggression may intensify if we perceive that someone else is triggering our self-judgement, leading us to respond with vindictiveness, physical aggression, or passive-aggressive behaviours.

A Way Out of Shame

Shame compels us to live silently, defensively, and hyper-sensitively, often forcing us into denial or anger. However, the path to healing involves embracing the opposite of shame. This encompasses self-acceptance, practising self-compassion, acknowledging that perfection is neither ideal nor realistic, and being forgiving of our problems and shortcomings. It also involves recognising that progress stems from consistent effort (i.e., resilience) and fostering connections with others, rather than treating ourselves as if we deserve punishment..

Shame Reducing Exercises

Shame often silences us, makes us defensive, hypersensitive, and combative, and forces us to live either in denial or anger. However, addressing shame requires embracing its opposite. Overcoming shame involves fostering self-acceptance, practising self-compassion, acknowledging that perfection is neither ideal nor attainable, and extending forgiveness to ourselves for our problems and shortcomings. It is crucial to recognise that progress is achieved through consistent effort (i.e., resilience) and to cultivate connections with others, rather than treating ourselves as if we deserve punishment.

In counselling, we introduce various techniques and have dedicated sessions focused on recovery practices. Some particularly effective techniques include quietening your inner critic, nurturing your inner champion, and engaging in reflective journalling to facilitate your healing process.

While these practices may seem daunting, I understand that implementing them can feel easier said than done.

Although it is certainly possible to work on these aspects independently—utilising the books recommended in this article—collaborating with a counsellor can provide more effective results. A counsellor can assist in framing questions that help you gain insight into your shame traps, guide you in navigating the practices that sustain your shame, and support you in prioritising activities that promote healing.

Recovery from Shame

When we explore how individuals react to shame, we can summarise that people typically respond by moving against others, away from them, or towards them. Moving towards people involves embracing vulnerability and expressing love. To be vulnerable and show love, we must liberate ourselves from the power that shame has over us.

Quieten Your Inner Critic

To break free from shame, it is essential to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us possesses an inner critic that often undermines our sense of self, constructing a kingdom of shame. In our sessions, we frequently confront a client’s inner critic so they can recognise, often for the first time, that they are perpetuating unhelpful and damaging thoughts. This inner critic sustains your shame, creating an extensive “to-do” list of “shoulds” in response to whatever triggers your feelings of shame.

Remember, many of us grant our inner critic a prominent platform while giving scant air time to the soothing words of self-affirmation from our inner champion. The words you say to yourself can either uplift you or diminish you. If you struggle with a negative self-concept, it is crucial to feed yourself positive affirmations. What you are ashamed of is likely not as shameful as you believe. It is time to change the record that plays in your mind. After all, nothing changes if nothing changes.

I often encourage my clients to assign a name to their inner critic, typically one they dislike. I call mine Kevin, so I can remind myself, “Shut up, Kevin,” whenever I find myself trapped in a cycle of self-criticism. This simple act quietens the critic and brings a smile to my face. From there, it is vital to cultivate its antithesis—the inner champion or cheerleader..

Engage Your Inner Champion

Engaging your inner champion or cheerleader requires creating a character within yourself whose role is to uplift and support you. This voice should assist you in accepting your shame and transforming your vulnerability from something to hide from into a source of pride. This transformation is reflected in the movement towards acceptance within the LGBTQ+ community, aptly named PRIDE.

When considering the qualities your inner champion should embody, reflect on the elements that oppose shame. This key inner voice needs to help you stay connected to the world, cultivate compassion, instil pride in yourself, foster resilience, and accept your imperfect nature as perfectly okay. Self-acceptance is paramount.

An effective inner champion could:

• Encourage you
• Provide empathy
• Support you when you feel unfairly treated
• Help build your self-esteem
• Empower you
• Validate your feelings
• Speak positively about your looks, feelings, and experiences
• Recognise that others’ judgements reflect their issues, not yours
• Assist you in identifying and regulating your emotions
• Encourage you to face your responsibilities rather than feel “less than” due to aspects of yourself you struggle to accept

Your champion will respond to the demands of your inner critic, employing self-compassion, acceptance, and even forgiveness to liberate you from the tyranny of “shoulds” imposed by the critic. We can explore these internal dialogues effectively using journaling.

Using Journal Pages and Prompts to Help You Break Free from Shame

I advocate for journaling as a vital component of self-therapy. I have attached a link to an article about journaling at the end of this piece to help you appreciate its benefits.

The creative process of journaling allows all your internal voices to be expressed on the page. Internal self-dialogue becomes much clearer when captured in writing. I personally prefer prompted journals, as blank pages can be intimidating.

Exercise Series 1: Let Your Shame Speak

In this series of journal pages, you will give voice to your shame, allowing it to express the thoughts associated with your fundamental shame beliefs. For instance, write your response to a root belief you hold about yourself. You can identify your root belief by reading through a list of common shame-related beliefs and noting the one that resonates most strongly within you. Below are the steps for this exercise:

Create a rebuttal to the shame-based beliefs.

Let your shame speak—respond to a root belief.

Separate the “shoulds” based on factual evidence from those rooted in shame.

Imagine an alternative future.

Exercise series 1: Let your shame speak

In this series of journal pages, you will give your shame a voice to allow it to express the thoughts associated some of your fundamental shame beliefs. For example, you write your response to a root belief that you hold within your experience of shame. You can know what your root belief is by reading each of the common shame root beliefs and feel in your body the one that gives you the biggest response. We have created these pages for your consideration.

Step 1: Let your shame speak –responding to a root belief

Step 2 Separate the shoulds based in fact from the shoulds that are based in shame

Exercise Series 2: Reprogramming Messages from the Past

Step 1: Identify the message

Identify messages from your youth that have influenced your self-perception. Reflect on the messages conveyed by friends, family, or culture when you were younger, and list them. These may include:

Be nicer

Don’t be so sensitive

Don’t act crazy

You are psycho

Act like a lady

Don’t be so stupid

Be nicer to people

You are lazy

Step 2: Reflect on the Impact
How did these messages affect you? Did you feel embarrassed or humiliated by them? Consider how they may be influencing your adult life today.

Step 3: Recognize the Inner Critic
Have these messages transformed into a harsh “tyranny of shoulds” that your inner critic frequently reminds you of? Reflect on whether it’s fair to be so tough on yourself.

Step 4: Listen to Your Inner Champion
Instead, consider tuning in to your inner champion. Are these critical messages truly necessary or beneficial? If you were to approach yourself with compassion and protection, would you still heed these messages and the tyranny of shoulds?

Conclusion

Recovering from shame is not just about overcoming feelings of inadequacy; it is about reclaiming your self-worth and embracing your authentic self. By recognising the power of your inner critic and actively engaging your inner champion, you can transform your relationship with shame into one of acceptance and resilience.

Remember, the journey to healing is not a linear path. It requires patience, self-compassion, and the willingness to confront deeply held beliefs. The exercises and strategies discussed in this blog serve as tools to support you in this process, helping you to dismantle the barriers that shame has built.

As you embark on this journey, know that you are not alone. Seeking support from friends, family, or a professional counsellor can significantly enhance your efforts in overcoming shame. Surrounding yourself with understanding and compassionate individuals will foster a nurturing environment conducive to growth and healing.

In acknowledging your vulnerabilities, you empower yourself to experience deeper connections with others, paving the way for authentic relationships and personal fulfilment. Embrace the journey ahead with courage, and always remind yourself that you are deserving of love, acceptance, and joy, just as you are.

About the Author: Angela Watkins is the lead counsellor at RED DOOR. Angela helps adults, teens and families break through emotional road bumps. You can feel better. To contact Angela for an appointment email angelaw@reddoor.hk.

Other blogs about Journaling:

Useful books:

Darlene Lancer (2014) Conquering shame and codependency: 8 Steps to freeing the true you

Rebecca Mandeville (2020) Rejected, shamed and blamed: Help and hope for adults in the family scapegoat role.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel (2018) It’s not always depression: Working the change triangle to listen to the body, discover core emotions and connect to your authentic self.

Brene Brown (2007) I thought it was just me: Women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame.

Stephen Guise (2015) How to be an imperfectionist.

The term mother wound is used by psychologists to describe the emotional pain or trauma that can be result of a difficult or disruptive relationship with one’s mother. You do not need to have had “bad” parents, or a history of trauma, to acknowledge that a part of you feels wounded from how interactions with your mother have left you feeling incomplete or unloved.

Many people identify that they have experienced a lack of emotional validation from their mothers. Individuals have a plethora of reasons to be unable to provide emotional care for their children. Whilst this creates pain in the children of these mothers, this article is not about blaming that parent.

It is unfortunate that you did not have the type of parent that you needed, and deserved. You can stay stuck in that pain, or consider looking at how to heal that hurt.

Healing the mother wound is about actively providing the care for yourself to heal what remains. In the same way that if someone accidentally cut you with a knife, it does you better to pay attention to treating the wound than shouting at the weapon that caused the injury.

You may feel angry because of the perceived failings of your parents. I encourage you to talk through that anger with a professional. You do not have to forgive or forget. That said, this venting, whilst cathartic, does not completely heal the wound. Blaming your current status on other people might feel good, but you will still need to actively work on a repair for yourself. This probably feels unfair. An alternative way to look at it would be to say that you are seizing the reigns of your future and will do the work to deliver your future, rather than waiting for someone else to do the work for you (not possible) or stay stuck in the past (in which case repair rarely occurs).

Understanding your mother wound

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your mother. Think about how that relationship affects you today. Did you feel loved and secure? Were you let wondering if you were good enough? Did you need to act in a role that didn’t allow you to be a child? Did your needs take second place to the needs of other family members? Were you labelled as lazy, crazy, a troublemaker? Write these observations down so that you can reflect on this commentary later. Recognising the ways that your past experiences affect your present can help you begin to heal.

Some of the symptoms and signs that you may be experiencing as a consequence of having a mother wound can include the following:

• Perfectionism
• Low self-esteem
• People pleasing (being a Yes-person)
• Poor personal boundaries
• Self-sabotaging behaviours
• Problems with being assertive
• Difficulty caring for your needs
• Idol worshiping other people
• Being conflict avoidant
• Difficulty regulating your emotions, feeling over emotional
• Constant feelings of shame and guilt
• Trouble in interpersonal relationships including fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting people and/or co-dependency
• A sense of emptiness.
• Lack of confidence to parent your own children
• Difficulty accepting responsibility for your role in situations
• Vulnerability to addiction or self-medication
• Regular negative self-talk

What can you do to heal your mother wound?

The following activities will help to heal your mother wound. Whilst you can do these alone, these tasks are often more effective when performed in collaboration with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to help frame questions in a constructive, reflective manner that helps clients to focus on the feelings and their responsibilities rather than noise and excuses, additionally they can help you to feel safer, and more calm, during these painful explorations.

Reflections and recognise An important first step is to understand how your past is affecting your present. We listed a series of symptoms in the section above. It is important for you to consider particular instances where you have demonstrated these behaviours so that we can consider what thoughts, reactions, or triggers are occurring in those situations.

Let me give you an example. A client recently told me a story about a recent frustrating her interaction with her boss. In the recount, Janice (not her real name), was annoyed that her boss had not yet repaired the air conditioner in the classroom where Janice teaches thirty 5-year-olds. Janice identified that she was angrier about the air conditioner than she felt was logical. Knowing Janice well, as well as her history with a mother who often dismissed the impact of events in Janice’s early life, I asked if her current reaction could be related to feeling ignored by her mother when she had made bids for emotional validation as a child. Suddenly Janice’s overreaction made sense. Janice was reacting not only to her boss’s current inaction, but to a repeated, old wounded belief, that she was not important enough to be listened to, a mother wound.

If you have overreacted to a situation, do not stay locked in the shame you might feel about it. Be curious. Could the present actually be reminding you of the past? We call this type of reaction a trauma response. It is usually attached to a traumatic event, but isn’t always. If certain circumstances remind you that you feel ignored, dismissed, labelled unfairly, or mocked, it may be as part of your history, and pain from your childhood.

Throughout the recovery from a mother wound, and especially at this time, journalling your thoughts is particularly helpful. Start writing some helpful prompts that can start your ability to reflect on these situations. Here are some prompts which might help.

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. When did you start to notice this behaviour in yourself? What could have happened in the past that planted the seeds for this behavioural choice? If you could, magically be rid of this problem, how would your life be different?

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. What are the benefits to you of feeling this way, or performing this behaviour? What does it mean for you as an adult to be experiencing this behaviour/ feeling? Are you ready to consider changing this behaviour/feeling? Do you know how?  

A key component of recovery from the persistent challenges from a mother wound involve the essential element of re-parenting. Re-parenting involves creating a character or component inside yourself whose role is to be the parent that you need. That role is sometimes refered to as your Inner Parent.

Counselling provides a objective, yet non judgmental way to look at yourself and how you interact with the world. All of us can benefit from the process of self-exploration which is an essential component of the counselling processing.

When deciding what your inner parent might need to perform in support of you, it will be helpful for you to consider what you want/wanted your parent to do in their role as parent.

For example your inner parent could:

• Encouraging us
• Calming us
• Taking care of our basic needs
• Organising our health checks
• Supporting us when we feel unfairly treated
• Help to build your self-esteem
• Looking after your safety
• Validating your feelings
• Nurturing you
• Helping you identify and regulate your emotions
• Help us face up to our responsibilities
• Prioritise us over other people

When you write a list of these activities you can use it to start to set an agenda of what your Inner Parent needs to provide for you. The questions that remain is how can you achieve these goals. Talking this through with a counsellor, or close friends will be a great place to start.

Do yourself a favour – write the agenda of your inner parent today, and start re-parenting yourself tomorrow.

In order to set up a compassionate inner parent for success, you will need to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us has an inner critic, who often picks away at our sense of self, building a kingdom of shame. In session we will often confront a client’s inner critic so that they can, often for the first time, realise that they are feeding themselves a series of unhelpful and poisonous thoughts. I often encourage clients to name their inner critic, usually with a name that I dislike. Mine is called Kevin, simply so I can say to myself, “Shut up Kevin,” whenever I find myself in a labyrinth of self-criticism. This quietens the critic AND makes me smile.

To help recover from the emptiness we may feel from the way we were raised we need to practice self-compassion and self-validation. Being kind to yourself is an active process. Many of us give a full stage and podium to our inner critic, but little air time to soothing words of self-affirmation. Remember the words that you say to yourself can build you up or strip you down. If you are suffering from negative self-concept you need to feed yourself positive words. You need to change the record that plays in your head. Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Look up self-compassion workbooks in Amazon to start building and enterprise of exercises to help you. Or talk to your counsellor who can help create a customised programme around your needs and messaging.

The practice of mindfulness and mediation to create a greater generalised sense of calm so that you can better observe your reactions to situations and be curious and more reflective over your behavioural responses. Working with a mindfulness trained coach can help you better notice and react to situations that trigger you.

Utilizing healthy creative practices can help you reflect on emotions and create a vision of your future with the help of your Inner parent. Creative expression of ideas, feelings and conerns decrease stress and anxiety, increase feelings of calm and help develop self-awareness. Engaging in creative endeavors is good for your mental health. For example, you can use colouring, painting, needlecraft, clay work and writing to express yourself.

For those of you who know me, you will know I am a fan of reflective journalling. Journalling allows your internal dialogue to be played out on the page. If you use journal prompts you can better capture your thoughts to be expressed on a particular issue or worry. Its harder to start journalling from a blank page.

Some journal prompts that might help you could include:

When was the last time I was truly kind to myself. How did I feel when I was looked after by myself?

Am I able to allow myself to “parent”? If not, what thoughts and concerns are holding me back?

What kindness or support could I provide for myself that would make a big difference in my life?

If I had to compare the amount of time that a listen to my inner critic rather than my inner parent, what would the balance look like? What could I do to make the ratio of air-time better for my mental health?

Lastly, be patient with yourself and your healing journey. You may want to rush to be whole again. It might be better to change one small thing at a time, so that you can reflect and re frame your world around the small changes that could be made. Allow yourself time to grow , after all that’s what a good parent would do.

About the Author – Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor helping teens and adults recover from hurt and shame. Angela helps clients make the changes that take back their control of their lives. To book an appointment contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

Helpful books about the mother wound and reparenting:

Larry ALLEN (2023) Unearthing the mother wound: Healing and growth for a happier life

Maria CLARKE (2022) Healing your wounded inner child

Natasha LEVINGER (2023) Healing your inner child: Re-parenting yourself for a more secure and loving life.

Other articles you might find helpful: 

Changing your thinking:

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/10/06/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/

about writing a journal

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/06/08/troubled-by-your-thoughts-try-journalling/

breaking free from narcissism

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/01/11/breaking-free-from-narcissistic-manipulation/

when parents and children become estranged

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/04/10/when-families-break-up-parent-adult-child-estrangement/

Can couples counselling save your marriage?

 

Whilst most counsellors would like to say an unequivocal “YES” to this question, reconnection is very dependent on the couple, the history of their relationship, the degree of contempt in the relationship, the commitment of both parties to try to work at the relationship, and of course, the involvement of other parties.

 

When couples come to me for counselling the first diagnostic that I look for is the “sign of life”. We’re these people happy together once? If they were happy once, and both believe this, this is a promising sign of life and hope for the relationship. There will still be a lot of work, but you cannot make something that was never good into something great, but you can, again, like someone who you once loved.

 

The reality of couples counselling is that some couples  come to counselling after a serious disruptive act – such as having an affair, long standing contempt, and the echo of other significant life events (death of a parent, loss of work).  Whilst walking back from those challenges can be accomplished, it may be better to consider counselling when there are warning signs, rather than war wounds.

 

You are having the same argument again and again, for more than 6 months. Sometimes these arguments are a cover for other, even more complicated issues. Counsellors can help couples learn to communicate more effectively, and also dissect underling issues.

 

You live separate lives from one another. If you feel like you are more like flatmates than life mates. The process of counselling may help you build positive shared goals and set rules of engagement to help you reconnect Sometimes marriage partners feel determined, because of past hurst (inside or before the marriage) to express their independence from their partner. Counselling may help you face and resolve the opportunity to reconnect and enhance your shared feeling of like, and love.

 

You want different things out of life from your partner. Once upon at time you may have been best friends, and shared everything. As we grown, partners can become disconnected, especially as children enter the equation. A love relationship requires investment. People can change, and you may believe different things, but could an remain connected. A counsellor could help you navigate your shared values and help build better connectivity.

 

Intimacy is lacking. Intimacy is not just sex. All affection – hand holding, touching, kissing, and sex, matters. Couples counselling can help partners describe and discuss the reasons behind their challenges to intimacy.

 

You or your partner is tempted to have an affair. Relationships can be significantly damaged by disruption to expectations of exclusively. Even harmless Facebook flirting with ex-partners. Couples counselling can help individuals connect and consider their needs of their ego, and their current relationship.

 

Trust has been broken. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When we do not trust our partner, we may try to build defences around ourselves and these compromise our future of the relationship in our relationship. Trust is an essential, yet fragile, component of relationships. Counselling can help couples explore reasons to trust (or not) and their own personal values and viewpoints that compromise their barriers to trust in the future.

Counselling can help couples reconnect. When choosing a couple counselling options you will find different modes and options. At RED DOOR we are the only provider in HK to provide the Conjoint therapy of Couples Counselling.

The advantage of Conjoint therapy in Couples Counselling. The model we use at RED DOOR. At RED DOOR we use the conjoint couples therapy approach. In Conjoint therapy two therapists work with the couple during couples’ sessions and then one counsellor will meet with you for any one-on-one sessions. This is an advanced method of couples therapy. Since there are two therapists in the room there is less chance of either of the partners feeling blamed, or favoured. If you have felt that any previous couple therapist sided with you, or your partner, you will appreciate the objectivity and inclusion that this model supplies. There are a number of therapeutic options available in the conjoint model including pairing vs individual counsellors , role play and modelling of problems and techniques, as well as  break-out sessions within couples sessions (which is helpful if one client becomes flooded, or some negotiations are required) . This model also keeps the therapist moving sessions forward constructively. Often if sessions become heated much of a therapist’s attention is moved towards “traffic control”. Traffic control whilst necessary, is not the goal of therapy. Therapy is to help blockages in communication and find the right tools and skills to help remedy the problems. Having a second therapist on hand helps keep the therapeutic goal on track. In conjoint-couples therapy you each have someone who understands each of your perspectives in the room. The team of counsellors work with you, and together to formulate a plan to understand and overcome the challenges in your relationship. At RED DOOR, we use a Gottman informed approach, but will also include emotionally focused therapy, CBT and narrative therapy tools. Because two therapists are involved there are cost implications. At RED DOOR we try to manage this by asking each of the therapist to reduce their standard fee for the sessions.

If you don’t feel ready, or your partner will not go to counselling, you might consider reading relationship building books

I personally like Gottman & Silver, “The seven principles for making marriage work” and M. Kirshenbaum’s “I love you, but I don’t trust you”. For some quick ideas to reconnect, please see our blog on making your relationship better:  https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/02/14/make-your-relationship-better/

Best of luck keeping your relationship on track. Please remember the words of American relationship psychologist Barbara De Angelis , “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It is something you do”.

#reddoor #couples #relationships #trust #mentalhealthessentials