So many people are living in a psychological jail created by a sense of shame. Shame doesn’t have to dominate how you feel about yourself, and the decisions that you make. Break free from the prison of shame.

Shame is a complex, painful experience that most of us experience at some point in our lives. It is characterised by the mental distress, often together with unpleasant feelings within your body including feeling like you have knots in your stomach, chest pain, lumps in the throat, and heated skin, when you feel you have done or are wrong in a situation. There are usually accompanying negative intrusive thoughts such as, “I am bad or messed up”.

When our shame becomes chronic, it can take over our identity and our energy to live fully. When we experience this type of shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or feeling flawed. Whatever, we feel ashamed of, at its foundation is an unconsciously belief of inferiority or being unacceptable – even being unlovable. I call these our root shame beliefs – they include thoughts such as:

• I am unlovable
• I am dirty
• I am disgusting
• I am inferior
• I am a joke
• I am a bad person
• I am a fraud
• I deserve to be punished
• I am nothing

Shame is a common denominator in low self-esteem, high reactivity, perfectionism, intimacy issues and co-dependency. Shame traps us. Shame breaks us.

There are different types of shame – some is attached to situations, when you break an norm or expectation, or existential shame, when you come to realise something about yourself (e.g. you drink too much). When shame internalised/toxic shame it becomes especially problematic. Internalised/ Toxic shame is when you believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Often this is the result of external experiences or commentary.

Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is about a specific behaviour or fear of a punishment, whilst shame is about feeling that something is unacceptable about us. When we feel shame, blame is never far behind.

Certain cultures place a high value on reputation, face, honour, and contributions to the community. In such societies, shame may be employed as a tool to modify a community member’s behaviour. In extreme cases, if a “wrong” cannot be corrected, traditional expectations may even include drastic measures such as suicide.

If shame has been shaping your experiences, please know that you can move beyond feelings of disconnection, rejection, and diminishment.

What Are People Ashamed Of?

People contend with a wide array of shame-related issues. In therapy, we work to liberate our clients from these burdens. Often, as individuals who care deeply about our clients, we wish to help them understand that they should not feel ashamed of the things they find shameful. Shame is rarely fair or rational; it erodes our sense of self and our capacity for acceptance unnecessarily.

• Common sources of shame include:
• Appearance
• Culture and ethnicity
• Addictions (e.g., alcohol, drugs, gambling)
• Mental health
• Sexuality
• Identity
• Financial circumstances or status
• Learning challenges
• Marital status, especially for those who’ve experienced divorce
• Rejection by family of origin
• Being in an abusive relationship

Defence Mechanisms Against Shame

We often respond to shame through various maladaptive strategies. Reflect on whether you have employed any of these techniques to maintain distance from or avoid confronting your shame:

• Denial/Repression: This occurs when we refuse to acknowledge what has transpired or bury it because we or others consider it unacceptable. Such responses can result in becoming easily triggered, as we mask our sensitivities. Paradoxically, in attempting to diminish the impact of a stimulus, we may become hypersensitive to minor criticisms, fearing they could expose our source of shame.
• Projection: This involves disowning our unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or qualities and attributing them to others. Sometimes, we may blame another person preemptively to avoid being judged ourselves.
• Self-Pity/Victimisation: While real victimisation occurs, some may adopt a victim mentality to evade personal growth. In rare instances, individuals might provoke abuse from others to receive the punishment they believe they deserve.
• Withdrawal: Individuals may retreat into isolation to ensure that others are unaware of the source of their shame. Introverts may find themselves particularly prone to this approach.
• Avoidance/Addiction: Strong feelings of shame can lead individuals to self-medicate as a means of escaping the negative feelings and thoughts associated with self-hatred.
• Contempt: At times, individuals may adopt an arrogant demeanour as a defence mechanism, using an inflated sense of self to shield against feelings of inferiority.
• Envy: We might compare ourselves to others and blame them for our situations, believing, for example, “I am this way because others possess resources that I lack.”
• Oversharing: When prompted about our circumstances, we may feel compelled to divulge our entire story, including all the unpleasant details, as a way of discharging our shame.
• Acting Out in Anger or Aggression: Our aggression may intensify if we perceive that someone else is triggering our self-judgement, leading us to respond with vindictiveness, physical aggression, or passive-aggressive behaviours.

A Way Out of Shame

Shame compels us to live silently, defensively, and hyper-sensitively, often forcing us into denial or anger. However, the path to healing involves embracing the opposite of shame. This encompasses self-acceptance, practising self-compassion, acknowledging that perfection is neither ideal nor realistic, and being forgiving of our problems and shortcomings. It also involves recognising that progress stems from consistent effort (i.e., resilience) and fostering connections with others, rather than treating ourselves as if we deserve punishment..

Shame Reducing Exercises

Shame often silences us, makes us defensive, hypersensitive, and combative, and forces us to live either in denial or anger. However, addressing shame requires embracing its opposite. Overcoming shame involves fostering self-acceptance, practising self-compassion, acknowledging that perfection is neither ideal nor attainable, and extending forgiveness to ourselves for our problems and shortcomings. It is crucial to recognise that progress is achieved through consistent effort (i.e., resilience) and to cultivate connections with others, rather than treating ourselves as if we deserve punishment.

In counselling, we introduce various techniques and have dedicated sessions focused on recovery practices. Some particularly effective techniques include quietening your inner critic, nurturing your inner champion, and engaging in reflective journalling to facilitate your healing process.

While these practices may seem daunting, I understand that implementing them can feel easier said than done.

Although it is certainly possible to work on these aspects independently—utilising the books recommended in this article—collaborating with a counsellor can provide more effective results. A counsellor can assist in framing questions that help you gain insight into your shame traps, guide you in navigating the practices that sustain your shame, and support you in prioritising activities that promote healing.

Recovery from Shame

When we explore how individuals react to shame, we can summarise that people typically respond by moving against others, away from them, or towards them. Moving towards people involves embracing vulnerability and expressing love. To be vulnerable and show love, we must liberate ourselves from the power that shame has over us.

Quieten Your Inner Critic

To break free from shame, it is essential to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us possesses an inner critic that often undermines our sense of self, constructing a kingdom of shame. In our sessions, we frequently confront a client’s inner critic so they can recognise, often for the first time, that they are perpetuating unhelpful and damaging thoughts. This inner critic sustains your shame, creating an extensive “to-do” list of “shoulds” in response to whatever triggers your feelings of shame.

Remember, many of us grant our inner critic a prominent platform while giving scant air time to the soothing words of self-affirmation from our inner champion. The words you say to yourself can either uplift you or diminish you. If you struggle with a negative self-concept, it is crucial to feed yourself positive affirmations. What you are ashamed of is likely not as shameful as you believe. It is time to change the record that plays in your mind. After all, nothing changes if nothing changes.

I often encourage my clients to assign a name to their inner critic, typically one they dislike. I call mine Kevin, so I can remind myself, “Shut up, Kevin,” whenever I find myself trapped in a cycle of self-criticism. This simple act quietens the critic and brings a smile to my face. From there, it is vital to cultivate its antithesis—the inner champion or cheerleader..

Engage Your Inner Champion

Engaging your inner champion or cheerleader requires creating a character within yourself whose role is to uplift and support you. This voice should assist you in accepting your shame and transforming your vulnerability from something to hide from into a source of pride. This transformation is reflected in the movement towards acceptance within the LGBTQ+ community, aptly named PRIDE.

When considering the qualities your inner champion should embody, reflect on the elements that oppose shame. This key inner voice needs to help you stay connected to the world, cultivate compassion, instil pride in yourself, foster resilience, and accept your imperfect nature as perfectly okay. Self-acceptance is paramount.

An effective inner champion could:

• Encourage you
• Provide empathy
• Support you when you feel unfairly treated
• Help build your self-esteem
• Empower you
• Validate your feelings
• Speak positively about your looks, feelings, and experiences
• Recognise that others’ judgements reflect their issues, not yours
• Assist you in identifying and regulating your emotions
• Encourage you to face your responsibilities rather than feel “less than” due to aspects of yourself you struggle to accept

Your champion will respond to the demands of your inner critic, employing self-compassion, acceptance, and even forgiveness to liberate you from the tyranny of “shoulds” imposed by the critic. We can explore these internal dialogues effectively using journaling.

Using Journal Pages and Prompts to Help You Break Free from Shame

I advocate for journaling as a vital component of self-therapy. I have attached a link to an article about journaling at the end of this piece to help you appreciate its benefits.

The creative process of journaling allows all your internal voices to be expressed on the page. Internal self-dialogue becomes much clearer when captured in writing. I personally prefer prompted journals, as blank pages can be intimidating.

Exercise Series 1: Let Your Shame Speak

In this series of journal pages, you will give voice to your shame, allowing it to express the thoughts associated with your fundamental shame beliefs. For instance, write your response to a root belief you hold about yourself. You can identify your root belief by reading through a list of common shame-related beliefs and noting the one that resonates most strongly within you. Below are the steps for this exercise:

Create a rebuttal to the shame-based beliefs.

Let your shame speak—respond to a root belief.

Separate the “shoulds” based on factual evidence from those rooted in shame.

Imagine an alternative future.

Exercise series 1: Let your shame speak

In this series of journal pages, you will give your shame a voice to allow it to express the thoughts associated some of your fundamental shame beliefs. For example, you write your response to a root belief that you hold within your experience of shame. You can know what your root belief is by reading each of the common shame root beliefs and feel in your body the one that gives you the biggest response. We have created these pages for your consideration.

Step 1: Let your shame speak –responding to a root belief

Step 2 Separate the shoulds based in fact from the shoulds that are based in shame

Exercise Series 2: Reprogramming Messages from the Past

Step 1: Identify the message

Identify messages from your youth that have influenced your self-perception. Reflect on the messages conveyed by friends, family, or culture when you were younger, and list them. These may include:

Be nicer

Don’t be so sensitive

Don’t act crazy

You are psycho

Act like a lady

Don’t be so stupid

Be nicer to people

You are lazy

Step 2: Reflect on the Impact
How did these messages affect you? Did you feel embarrassed or humiliated by them? Consider how they may be influencing your adult life today.

Step 3: Recognize the Inner Critic
Have these messages transformed into a harsh “tyranny of shoulds” that your inner critic frequently reminds you of? Reflect on whether it’s fair to be so tough on yourself.

Step 4: Listen to Your Inner Champion
Instead, consider tuning in to your inner champion. Are these critical messages truly necessary or beneficial? If you were to approach yourself with compassion and protection, would you still heed these messages and the tyranny of shoulds?

Conclusion

Recovering from shame is not just about overcoming feelings of inadequacy; it is about reclaiming your self-worth and embracing your authentic self. By recognising the power of your inner critic and actively engaging your inner champion, you can transform your relationship with shame into one of acceptance and resilience.

Remember, the journey to healing is not a linear path. It requires patience, self-compassion, and the willingness to confront deeply held beliefs. The exercises and strategies discussed in this blog serve as tools to support you in this process, helping you to dismantle the barriers that shame has built.

As you embark on this journey, know that you are not alone. Seeking support from friends, family, or a professional counsellor can significantly enhance your efforts in overcoming shame. Surrounding yourself with understanding and compassionate individuals will foster a nurturing environment conducive to growth and healing.

In acknowledging your vulnerabilities, you empower yourself to experience deeper connections with others, paving the way for authentic relationships and personal fulfilment. Embrace the journey ahead with courage, and always remind yourself that you are deserving of love, acceptance, and joy, just as you are.

About the Author: Angela Watkins is the lead counsellor at RED DOOR. Angela helps adults, teens and families break through emotional road bumps. You can feel better. To contact Angela for an appointment email angelaw@reddoor.hk.

Other blogs about Journaling:

Useful books:

Darlene Lancer (2014) Conquering shame and codependency: 8 Steps to freeing the true you

Rebecca Mandeville (2020) Rejected, shamed and blamed: Help and hope for adults in the family scapegoat role.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel (2018) It’s not always depression: Working the change triangle to listen to the body, discover core emotions and connect to your authentic self.

Brene Brown (2007) I thought it was just me: Women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame.

Stephen Guise (2015) How to be an imperfectionist.

The term mother wound is used by psychologists to describe the emotional pain or trauma that can be result of a difficult or disruptive relationship with one’s mother. You do not need to have had “bad” parents, or a history of trauma, to acknowledge that a part of you feels wounded from how interactions with your mother have left you feeling incomplete or unloved.

Many people identify that they have experienced a lack of emotional validation from their mothers. Individuals have a plethora of reasons to be unable to provide emotional care for their children. Whilst this creates pain in the children of these mothers, this article is not about blaming that parent.

It is unfortunate that you did not have the type of parent that you needed, and deserved. You can stay stuck in that pain, or consider looking at how to heal that hurt.

Healing the mother wound is about actively providing the care for yourself to heal what remains. In the same way that if someone accidentally cut you with a knife, it does you better to pay attention to treating the wound than shouting at the weapon that caused the injury.

You may feel angry because of the perceived failings of your parents. I encourage you to talk through that anger with a professional. You do not have to forgive or forget. That said, this venting, whilst cathartic, does not completely heal the wound. Blaming your current status on other people might feel good, but you will still need to actively work on a repair for yourself. This probably feels unfair. An alternative way to look at it would be to say that you are seizing the reigns of your future and will do the work to deliver your future, rather than waiting for someone else to do the work for you (not possible) or stay stuck in the past (in which case repair rarely occurs).

Understanding your mother wound

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your mother. Think about how that relationship affects you today. Did you feel loved and secure? Were you let wondering if you were good enough? Did you need to act in a role that didn’t allow you to be a child? Did your needs take second place to the needs of other family members? Were you labelled as lazy, crazy, a troublemaker? Write these observations down so that you can reflect on this commentary later. Recognising the ways that your past experiences affect your present can help you begin to heal.

Some of the symptoms and signs that you may be experiencing as a consequence of having a mother wound can include the following:

• Perfectionism
• Low self-esteem
• People pleasing (being a Yes-person)
• Poor personal boundaries
• Self-sabotaging behaviours
• Problems with being assertive
• Difficulty caring for your needs
• Idol worshiping other people
• Being conflict avoidant
• Difficulty regulating your emotions, feeling over emotional
• Constant feelings of shame and guilt
• Trouble in interpersonal relationships including fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting people and/or co-dependency
• A sense of emptiness.
• Lack of confidence to parent your own children
• Difficulty accepting responsibility for your role in situations
• Vulnerability to addiction or self-medication
• Regular negative self-talk

What can you do to heal your mother wound?

The following activities will help to heal your mother wound. Whilst you can do these alone, these tasks are often more effective when performed in collaboration with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to help frame questions in a constructive, reflective manner that helps clients to focus on the feelings and their responsibilities rather than noise and excuses, additionally they can help you to feel safer, and more calm, during these painful explorations.

Reflections and recognise An important first step is to understand how your past is affecting your present. We listed a series of symptoms in the section above. It is important for you to consider particular instances where you have demonstrated these behaviours so that we can consider what thoughts, reactions, or triggers are occurring in those situations.

Let me give you an example. A client recently told me a story about a recent frustrating her interaction with her boss. In the recount, Janice (not her real name), was annoyed that her boss had not yet repaired the air conditioner in the classroom where Janice teaches thirty 5-year-olds. Janice identified that she was angrier about the air conditioner than she felt was logical. Knowing Janice well, as well as her history with a mother who often dismissed the impact of events in Janice’s early life, I asked if her current reaction could be related to feeling ignored by her mother when she had made bids for emotional validation as a child. Suddenly Janice’s overreaction made sense. Janice was reacting not only to her boss’s current inaction, but to a repeated, old wounded belief, that she was not important enough to be listened to, a mother wound.

If you have overreacted to a situation, do not stay locked in the shame you might feel about it. Be curious. Could the present actually be reminding you of the past? We call this type of reaction a trauma response. It is usually attached to a traumatic event, but isn’t always. If certain circumstances remind you that you feel ignored, dismissed, labelled unfairly, or mocked, it may be as part of your history, and pain from your childhood.

Throughout the recovery from a mother wound, and especially at this time, journalling your thoughts is particularly helpful. Start writing some helpful prompts that can start your ability to reflect on these situations. Here are some prompts which might help.

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. When did you start to notice this behaviour in yourself? What could have happened in the past that planted the seeds for this behavioural choice? If you could, magically be rid of this problem, how would your life be different?

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. What are the benefits to you of feeling this way, or performing this behaviour? What does it mean for you as an adult to be experiencing this behaviour/ feeling? Are you ready to consider changing this behaviour/feeling? Do you know how?  

A key component of recovery from the persistent challenges from a mother wound involve the essential element of re-parenting. Re-parenting involves creating a character or component inside yourself whose role is to be the parent that you need. That role is sometimes refered to as your Inner Parent.

Counselling provides a objective, yet non judgmental way to look at yourself and how you interact with the world. All of us can benefit from the process of self-exploration which is an essential component of the counselling processing.

When deciding what your inner parent might need to perform in support of you, it will be helpful for you to consider what you want/wanted your parent to do in their role as parent.

For example your inner parent could:

• Encouraging us
• Calming us
• Taking care of our basic needs
• Organising our health checks
• Supporting us when we feel unfairly treated
• Help to build your self-esteem
• Looking after your safety
• Validating your feelings
• Nurturing you
• Helping you identify and regulate your emotions
• Help us face up to our responsibilities
• Prioritise us over other people

When you write a list of these activities you can use it to start to set an agenda of what your Inner Parent needs to provide for you. The questions that remain is how can you achieve these goals. Talking this through with a counsellor, or close friends will be a great place to start.

Do yourself a favour – write the agenda of your inner parent today, and start re-parenting yourself tomorrow.

In order to set up a compassionate inner parent for success, you will need to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us has an inner critic, who often picks away at our sense of self, building a kingdom of shame. In session we will often confront a client’s inner critic so that they can, often for the first time, realise that they are feeding themselves a series of unhelpful and poisonous thoughts. I often encourage clients to name their inner critic, usually with a name that I dislike. Mine is called Kevin, simply so I can say to myself, “Shut up Kevin,” whenever I find myself in a labyrinth of self-criticism. This quietens the critic AND makes me smile.

To help recover from the emptiness we may feel from the way we were raised we need to practice self-compassion and self-validation. Being kind to yourself is an active process. Many of us give a full stage and podium to our inner critic, but little air time to soothing words of self-affirmation. Remember the words that you say to yourself can build you up or strip you down. If you are suffering from negative self-concept you need to feed yourself positive words. You need to change the record that plays in your head. Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Look up self-compassion workbooks in Amazon to start building and enterprise of exercises to help you. Or talk to your counsellor who can help create a customised programme around your needs and messaging.

The practice of mindfulness and mediation to create a greater generalised sense of calm so that you can better observe your reactions to situations and be curious and more reflective over your behavioural responses. Working with a mindfulness trained coach can help you better notice and react to situations that trigger you.

Utilizing healthy creative practices can help you reflect on emotions and create a vision of your future with the help of your Inner parent. Creative expression of ideas, feelings and conerns decrease stress and anxiety, increase feelings of calm and help develop self-awareness. Engaging in creative endeavors is good for your mental health. For example, you can use colouring, painting, needlecraft, clay work and writing to express yourself.

For those of you who know me, you will know I am a fan of reflective journalling. Journalling allows your internal dialogue to be played out on the page. If you use journal prompts you can better capture your thoughts to be expressed on a particular issue or worry. Its harder to start journalling from a blank page.

Some journal prompts that might help you could include:

When was the last time I was truly kind to myself. How did I feel when I was looked after by myself?

Am I able to allow myself to “parent”? If not, what thoughts and concerns are holding me back?

What kindness or support could I provide for myself that would make a big difference in my life?

If I had to compare the amount of time that a listen to my inner critic rather than my inner parent, what would the balance look like? What could I do to make the ratio of air-time better for my mental health?

Lastly, be patient with yourself and your healing journey. You may want to rush to be whole again. It might be better to change one small thing at a time, so that you can reflect and re frame your world around the small changes that could be made. Allow yourself time to grow , after all that’s what a good parent would do.

About the Author – Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor helping teens and adults recover from hurt and shame. Angela helps clients make the changes that take back their control of their lives. To book an appointment contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

Helpful books about the mother wound and reparenting:

Larry ALLEN (2023) Unearthing the mother wound: Healing and growth for a happier life

Maria CLARKE (2022) Healing your wounded inner child

Natasha LEVINGER (2023) Healing your inner child: Re-parenting yourself for a more secure and loving life.

Other articles you might find helpful: 

Changing your thinking:

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/10/06/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/

about writing a journal

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/06/08/troubled-by-your-thoughts-try-journalling/

breaking free from narcissism

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/01/11/breaking-free-from-narcissistic-manipulation/

when parents and children become estranged

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/04/10/when-families-break-up-parent-adult-child-estrangement/