You might be surprised by the positive impact of a few small changes, or exercises, and how they may generate changes in how you react to the world, and therefore your mental health.

Sleep

When a new client comes in for a session, one of the first questions I might ask them is, “How are you sleeping?”

We each need 8-10 hours of sleep a night but few of us get that amount.  Sometimes people brag about only needing 5 hours a night.  Paradoxically these people are often snappy with colleagues.  That is not a coincidence.  To be able to be calm, we need to be well rested.

Sleep debt is a key ingredient of burnout.  Burnout is a condition characterised by feelings of exhaustion or depletion, negative affect towards one’s job and feelings of dissociation.

Luckily the human species can catch up their individual sleep debt at the weekend, but this burnout-crash out cycle is not good for your health in the longer term.

Breathe

The implementation of calming breath techniques can help us calm down in the early steps of anxiety.

I personally use box breathing/ 4 Square techniques myself and with clients when I see their anxiety build up in session.

Regular use of breathing techniques won’t erase your anxiety, but it will help, in the short term, to elevate some the symptomology. That way each individual incident when you feel anxious, might be better managed.

Talk

Possibly you’ve heard “you should talk to someone”, and maybe you should.  Thoughts expressed verbally create different reactions than those maintained inside the privacy of your head.  When you feel overwhelmed reach out to a friend, colleague or professional to talk.  People can’t know what you don’t communicate so share your experiences, the good and the difficult.  People would rather give you a hour of their time, than have you suffer in silence.

Obviously, I am a big believer in the benefits of counselling (also referred to as talk therapy). Research also supports counselling with all types of populations – from stressed out professionals, to youth, to older people, to couples in conflict.  Client – therapist rapport; how well the two-perspective work together, is essential for the best results.

So, if you have a negative experience with a counsellor in the past, consider that it was maybe simply a therapist – client mismatch rather than a testimony if counselling will work for you or not in the long term.

Focus on what matters

In an era of Instagram, you may find yourself comparing yourself to others, constantly building a larger and larger “to do  list of things you believe you ‘should’ be doing in your life. .

Let’s try the opposite.  By learning about your key values and what matters most to you can ‘let go’ of all the superfluous “to do”s that you’ve written in your life.

In counselling we use values checklist to start a discussion about who you are use family exercises to help you identify your key life goals as well as what you want or need to avoid.  You can do some of the work yourself reading some coaching focused webpages, or talking with a counsellor.

Once you know what matters, can identify what attractions are really just ‘noise’ and have a stricter road map of who you are and want to be you will feel more able to prioritize your time more effectively. In counselling we use a few techniques to help refine what you want, from what is really essential for you to achieve. Sorting the ‘wants’ from the ‘musts’, helps people prioritise their time and energy.

Habits

Small habits soon accumulate into meaningful behaviours change.  If you start a small habit change today, or even a medium habit, and keep at it you can accomplish great change in your life.

As derailed in the famous James Clear book. “Atomic habits”, the compounding effect of small chapters are amazing.

One technique I use frequently in counselling is “don’t break the thread.”  Once you have decided on a small change imagine yourself add up a bead to a thread/string. Every day you add a bead to the thread and don’t break the thread.  Otherwise, you need to start collecting beads from zero again.

This counting behaviour is the basis of many sober apps (e.g. I am sober) help you track a number of cessation behavioural changes.

How long does it take to form a habit.  When we discuss this in counselling sessions, I recommend you plan for 3 months, or 100 days for real change to occur. You will truly feel different than if you only tackle one month of change.

Gain flexibility

The greatest small change you can help yourself with is to start training yourself towards greater cognitive flexibility.

Cognitive flexibility describes the ability to adjust your thinking to view and interpret situation from different perspectives.  When we are inflexible, even rigid, we tend to construe situations as black and white, right and wrong, perfect or unacceptable. .

Being flexible is different from overthinking or second guessing a situation.

When we are working to be flexible, we first need to understand that in every situation we are telling ourselves a narrative. It is helpful for you to consider starting the description of any situation with the phrase, “the story I am telling myself” so that you can better appreciate that you are indeed, telling yourself a story.

Our personal narratives have significant power.  When we continuously tell ourselves, ”You are stupid”, or,  “You are not as good as other people” we poison our hope in ourselves.  When you start to listen the narrative of your inner voice you may be surprised by how harsh that voice actually is. You have probably spent years allowing this inner critic to hold court, and pass down judgement within your head. You deserve the chance to set yourself free from your inner tyrant.

Some people might swing between feelings of superiority and inadequacy. This experience of pendulum self-esteem is unhealthy. You are not the best, or the worst. Accepting that you have strengths, and weaknesses, and are still ENOUGH, is freeing.

A key component of being cognitively flexible is to understand that you will understand that you may feel differently about a given situation, when you look at it from different perspectives.

For example, you could be urgent about on incident that happened today at work/ school.  If I and you, “Will this indecent still upset you in a year?”, you may automatically start to perceive the importance of such an incident differently.  Suddenly you are reminded that the humiliation or anger that you feel today will not last.

There are a number of questions that help build cognitive flexibility. You don’t have to talk through these questions with anyone else, but it can be helpful if you are open to exploring how tightly you hold onto certain narratives rather than exploring different perspectives.. Counsellors who focus on building cognitive flexibility may ask you some of the questions below.

A few questions that build cognitive flexibility.

• What would “winning look like in this situation?
• Will this situation incident be as important in a month?
• If you had more self-compassion, could you approach this situation differently?
• Is it possible you are over reacting in this situation?

Sometimes we have too many thoughts and we need to think less. As is the case with overthinking. A specific type of overthinking is rabbit warren thinking. In this situation, you fall from are “what if” catastrophic chasm to another.  People who are guard at risk mitigation in their day jobs are often very good, and well trained, to develop this type of thinking. A type of thinking that might be helpful in one circumstance, can be problematic in another.

Sometimes when we have too many “what if” questions we need to find a way to think less.  In order, to do this I work with clients to remind them to have the confidence that they CAN respond almost every situation. Therefore, you don’t need to constantly worry about identifying the situations in advance. Sometimes we can navigate our way to calm from wherever we land, we just need to have the confidence in ourselves to respond constructively.

Instead of worrying, “What if?”, you can simply tell yourself, “No matter what, I can respond”

Write

When is doubt, write. In am a strong proponent of journalling. I recommend journals with prompts over simply writing an account of your day.

Prompted journals provide a pathway to a deeper understanding of yourself. When we write out our thoughts, we give our brains that opportunity to see our thoughts on paper. This distance allows us the chance to utilise perspective building exercises.

Responding to prompts is a great method to help us build greater cognitive flexibility around incidents in our lives. Sometimes it helps to look at events that have hurt us, in challenging ways. Perhaps even find what we learnt from such situations. This doesn’t mean that we weren’t hurt, or that others have not been careless with our feelings, but also empowers us to take charge of the outcome of situations.

I hope you can consider to take up a challenge, to highlight one or two of these small changes. I promise you, it will have a big impact on your mental health.

—–

Note: part of this content was previously shared as a speech at an event for the the musicians foundation in March 2024.

#change #habits #sleep #creatingcalm #counselling #counseling #talktosomeone #valueschecklist #cognitiveflexibility #perspective #reflection #journalling

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with adults and teens. Angela has been named best therapist in Hong Kong. To contact Angela for an appointment email angelaw@reddoor.hk or message +852-93785428.

We’re about to embark on Pride month – thirty days to celebrate and commemorate Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ+) people, to recognise the impact LGBTQ+ people have had on history and culture, and to acknowledge the past and ongoing adversity the community faces.

Ok, I get it, let’s celebrate!

But why is this important and what does it have to do with mental health?

Well, consider this – 83% of LBGTQ+ people still hide their sexual orientation.[1]

Yes, societal attitudes towards sexual minorities have improved in the last few decades, and yes, LGBTQ+ visibility and rights have made progress. However, studies show that LGBTQ+ individuals, and especially LGBTQ+ youth, still face disproportionate mental health burdens with significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality. This isn’t because these individuals are inherently prone to poor mental health, but because LGBTQ+ people tend to have lower rates of self-acceptance and experience the effects of minority stress.

Minority stress is the chronic social stress that LGBTQ+ people are exposed to day-in-day-out, ranging from prejudice to negative stereotyping, hostility, harassment, rejection, limited rights from laws and policies, stigma, internalised homophobia – the list is long.

All these micro-aggressions mean something, they build and chip away at our self-esteem, our wellbeing, and positive development. This societal stigma, discrimination, and rejection from family and friends contributes to lower rates of self-acceptance amongst LGBTQ+ people, and in turn leads to higher rates of depression, anxiety, suicidality, and substance abuse in the community.

The Rainbow Reality

With these societal challenges, it’s not surprising that the vast majority of LGBTQ+ people are still hiding. However, living a hidden life and concealing one’s true identity is significantly associated with depression and negative psychological wellbeing.

So how do we reconcile with our identity and overcome the shame? How do we manage the stress of living in a society that often doesn’t accept or validate our identities, as well as the trauma of discrimination, bullying, harassment, and violence, plus the potential lack of support and acceptance from family and peers?

Where to Begin?

Changing societal norms is hard, although so many people are doing incredible work to improve equality. Putting this aside, we are able to create change within ourselves and we are in control of the way we understand and respond to our world.

The challenges that LGBTQ+ people face can lead to feelings of isolation, discrimination, rejection, shame, and low self-esteem. Exploring these thoughts and feelings about your identity can be difficult and uncomfortable. That’s where counselling can help, providing a safe space to do the hard work, with empathy and encouragement.

A counsellor can help you challenge your negative thoughts about your sexuality and instead engage in affirmation of your identity, visibility, and validation of your experiences. Evidence-based approaches such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help shift problematic thought patterns, and teach coping skills or alternative ways to think, behave, and react to situations and experiences.

The Road to Self-Acceptance

Regardless of sexual identity, mental wellbeing improves when we feel respected, valued and psychologically safe. Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging who you are, in all your fabulous and flawed glory. It is an essential part of living a fulfilling life.

Sadly, research shows lower rates of self-acceptance among LGBTQ+ people. Importantly, low self-esteem is unlikely to blame for this lower rate of self-acceptance among LGBTQ+ people. Instead, the adverse opinions, prejudice, and victimization that many LGBTQ+ people face is what poses significant obstacles to self-acceptance.

It’s challenging to avoid internalizing negative society attitudes and ideas when constantly exposed to negative messaging about queer identity. These internalized messages have the potential to lead to increasing self-criticism and negative self-perceptions over time. Our individual lack of self-acceptance is ultimately caused by this social lack of acceptance.

But where to start?

Learn about the LGBTQ+ community, its history, and the challenges still being faced. There is culture and connection waiting for you. Validate and celebrate your identity and the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community. You belong here.

• Connect with others and build a support system

You are not alone. Find your own LGBTQ+ community, whether through in-person support groups or online. Surround yourself with people who accept you and support you, whether it’s friends, family, or allies. Join in Pride events and affirm your identity.

• Practice self-care and compassion

Be kind to yourself – we are always harder on ourselves and more generous with others. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Eat well, sleep well, and engage in activities that bring you joy.

• Challenge negative thoughts and your inner critic

When we hear things frequently, we start to believe them. Identify your inner critic – that little voice inside your head that tells you you’re not good enough – and tell it to shut up. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Try journaling to identify problem patterns, reflect, and express yourself authentically.

• Identify your personal values and goals

Redefine yourself according to your own values. Embrace your authentic self and live your life in a way that feels true to you. Addressing self-blame and shame, affirming your own identity, and validating your experiences fosters self-acceptance and helps develop resilience against past, present, and future adversity.

• Doing the hard work

Don’t kid yourself, none of this is easy. Finding self-acceptance and establishing a positive identity is difficult, but it is a vital source of resilience. Counselling provides a supportive and safe space to explore feelings, process emotions, and develop coping strategies. It can help LGBTQ+ people better understand their sexual orientation and gender identity, and work through experiences of discrimination or rejection. Finding your pride is much deeper than a month on the calendar, true self-acceptance is key to improving mental wellbeing and a happier, healthier life.

So if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges related to their LGBTQ+ identity, consider reaching out to a counsellor for support.

RESOURCES

Support and Spaces

• PrideLine 24hr hotline for LGBTQ+ support: https://prideline.tungwahcsd.org/en/home/

• Queer Reads Library: LGBTQ+ mobile library: https://www.instagram.com/queer_reads_library/
• Mum’s Not Home: Queer Cafe in Yau Ma Tei: https://www.instagram.com/mumsnothome/

Communities

• Pink Alliance: https://pinkalliance.hk/
• Out in HK: LGBTQ+ outdoor adventures community: https://www.facebook.com/groups/outinhk
• Rainbow Families HK: https://www.facebook.com/groups/RainbowFamiliesofHK/

Events

• Pink Dot HK annual event (October): https://pinkdothk.com/
• HK Pride Parade (November): https://hkpride.net/
• HK Lesbian & Gay Film Festival (September): http://www.hklgff.hk/

About the author: This blog is written by Fiona Travers whilst she was a counsellor at RED DOOR. Fional is currenty on a sabatical from counselling practice.

RED DOOR is committed to being a gender affirming and LGBTQ+ supporting practice. Contact the Red Door Reception to set up an appointment with one of our therapists contact reception@reddoor.hk or text 852-93785428.

[1] https://medicine.yale.edu/news-article/the-global-closet-is-hugevast-majority-of-worlds-lesbian-gay-bisexual-population-hide-orientation-ysph-study-finds/

You possibly enjoyed colouring pictures when you were a child. It is something you can revisit, with benefits, as an adult.

The current popularity of adult colouring books celebrates a return to encouraging our creativity, and embracing the sense of calmness that colouring can offer.

5 Reasons to colour:

Stress Reduction:  The mental focus which is required when colouring pictures – selecting colours, staying inside the lines, considering balance – can induce a meditative-like state. The heart rate is reduced and breathing becomes more calm. The repetitive nature of colouring calms even the busiest minds. Try it for just 10 minutes a day (with no distractions) and check how you feel afterwards.

Age Defying. Both physically and emotionally. It is good for you emotionally to play occasionally, and colouring is a form of such play. Additionally colouring helps to maintain manual dexterity, which is essential to growing older gracefully.

Boost Creativity. Break out of any creativity rut using colouring. Even if you do not think of yourself as an artist, simply selecting colours and designs helps to unleash a heightened connection to your ability to think creatively. Be ready for new ideas!

Brain Development. Colouring helps to develop greater skills of concentration and focus. Furthermore, both hemispheres of the brain are engaged, giving your brain a good ‘workout’.

Mini break. Colouring can create an mini break to calm and centre a person, even if you are feeling ok at the moment.  If you are experiencing anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive tendencies, or difficulties managing stress, psychological research supports the use of colouring as a part of the therapeutic process.

You may also be wondering when is the best time to start colouring. There really isn’t a bad time to try colouring as a calming technique. I recommend that you give it a try the next time you are stressed, pressured, or feeling run down. At those times,  a colouring activity should help you to collect yourself. You might also consider colouring before your bedtime. Since watching TV and playing on devices has been associated with poorer sleep patterns, colouring could create a more relaxed mind-set, setting you up for a deeper, more refreshing night’s sleep.

I encourage you to try colouring, just for 10 minutes and day, to assess what calm and focus regular colouring can help you achieve.

_________________________________________________________________

Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, career change, stress management and divorce. Angela has been named HK’s top therapist.

We rarely see narcissists in person in the counselling setting. More often, the client in the chair, the person coming for counselling, is seeking understanding or support because of the actions of another person, and the other person may be a narcissist.

If you have had the misfortune to have been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may understand this situation.  The counselling client, the narcissists dance partner, comes to counselling because they have lost almost all sense of themselves, they have been broken down and recognise that they can’t seem to make their partner happy, or get what they need from their relationship. Their partner may have told them that they are ‘crazy’, and that everything difficult in the relationship is their fault. They will have been told that the relationship is exceptional, unique, only they, can really, understand each other. Rather than a compliment this language is used to separate the dance partner, from reality and other sources of realistic support. After all, “Other people aren’t like us, we are special and as such, you need to prove this to me constantly”. If this sounds like your relationship experience, read on, you may he been dating a narcissist.

These days, it seems everyone is being accused of being a narcissist, and there may be some truth in this assertion.

In a world where we are encouraged to regularly display our best selves on social media, we can become rather self-involved. Social media and reality shows encourage narcissistic behaviour. Narcissist are very concerned with their image and like attention. Additionally, we are often socialised as to our unique or special nature. Whilst each of us is different from one another, if you have been raised to believe that you are different in a way that makes you superior to others, rather than simply not the same, you may have crossed the line and become narcissistic.

One can be mildly or moderately or extreme expressions of narcissism. If you have mild narcissistic tendencies these may be a product of one’s emotional development and can change over time. When we refer to a proper “Narcissist”, those people have not only a tendency to express most narcissistic traits, and especially those indicating desire for authority over others, and sense of superiority, and this is consistent over time.

There are various online assessments of narcissism. They are not fully diagnostic tools, but may help you understand how self-involved, or needing of adoration you are on a narcissistic scale.

If you would like to assess your own level of narcissism we have tried and our comments on those tests. It is my personal preference to explore those who provide rating style questions rather than either/or suggestions because more subtle preferences can be counted, and discounted accordingly.

Characteristics of narcissists.

Whilst this is not a diagnostic checklist, you may find that a narcissist has many of the following traits:

• Unrealistic grandiose sense of self image. Remember Narcissism was once referred to as “megalomania”.
• Speaking mostly about themselves, reinforcing a narrative where they are superior to others or under-appreciated.
• Incredibly self-centred with lack of empathy for others.
• Value power and fame for themselves.
• Arrogant.
• Think the rules don’t apply to them.
• Demand constant attention or adoration.
• Constantly look to promote themselves.
• Highly sensitive to criticism, yet at the same time…
• Quick to criticise and judge others.
• Feel special and unique, and probably superior to others.
• Feel entitled to have the best of what is on offer.
• Will respond with dysregulated emotional responses when questioned – extreme anger, sulking, punishment.
• Avoidance of personal responsibility for their poor reactions to situations.
• Deceitful and manipulative.

A true narcissist will exhibit most of these traits, not just one or two.

Narcissists lack empathy and are often quick tempered. As such, they frequently use manipulative techniques, such as gaslighting, to take advantage of others. Whilst not all people who gaslight are narcissists, narcissists almost always use gaslighting as one of their tools to control people in their lives. For more on gaslighting see our blog on surviving gaslighting highlighted at the end of this article.

For the person in a relationship with the narcissist there are innumerable costs, especially to their self-esteem. If any of these situations seem familiar, consider if you need to break free:

• Narcissists refuse to take responsibility for their actions so be prepared that most problems you have will be your fault. You might hear dialogue such as, “You made me so angry when you accused me of lying. Sure, I came home late and you didn’t know who I was with, and when I told you that I was out with Tim, you said that you were told that he was already at home by his partner. I can’t be responsible for your lack of trust in our relationship. Actually, you need help!”
• Narcissists’ sense of grandiosity means that they cannot reflect on their own limitations. They may even lecture you on a topic that they have little knowledge of. Be prepared to encounter several lectures not based in reality.
• You will become confused if your relationship is healthy, or actually really damaging. Narcissists use techniques such as love bombing to win you over. They may tell you that you and they are soulmates and that you are destined to be with each other. This ‘sounds’ like your relationship is superior to others. Don’t fall for this manipulation. It takes time to develop real trust and intimacy. True emotional intimacy cannot be rushed. If you fall for this, later you may find these techniques turned against you as a means to control you. For example, “I thought we were soul mates, but apparently you can’t give up an evening with your family in order to stay home with me. I guess I was wrong”.
• Narcissists dismiss other people’s achievements. If you succeed your narcissistic partner may dismiss your achievement as luck, or even take responsibility for your success themselves.
• The world rotates around the narcissist and their self-image. Acts of kindness will need to be acknowledged effusively. They may plan your birthday party, but everyone at the event will know and they will expect you to make a speech publicly stating your appreciation.  
• A narcissist will be sensitive to any form of criticism. It is unthinkable that the world around them is failing to understand their greatness. If told that they need to reconsider their behaviour, consider alternative ways of performing a task, they will react quickly, often with anger. They may obsess over plans for vengeance and revenge. This will not usually directly be applicable to their partners, after all they choose you because they believe that you are adoring, however your family, your friends or, even your counsellor, may become candidates for such retribution, if those people dare to raise questions over the narcissist’s behaviours.
• A narcissist may become very sensitive if you are not providing them with enough praise. In this instance they may consider insufficient admiration as a form of criticism.
• Rules do not apply to them. Narcissists can break social rules because the typical rules do not apply to them.
• They will often brag about their connections, popularity, and perceived importance. It is important to them that others see them as superior.

How do you spot a narcissist?

You have to be watching – both them and yourself.

In essence a narcissist is a control freak who needs to orchestrate the feeding of their compulsion for adoration and attention. As such they will use a variety of manipulation techniques to establish that you will be feeding their insatiable appetite for attention.

You can use the above list or narcissistic traits, and set of scenarios to think about if your partner is a narcissist. If you are with a narcissist, it is also because they have been able to manipulate you. You are their chosen partner in a dance of control and manipulation.

Take a good look at yourself. Narcissists are attracted to people they can manipulate. Individuals who are people pleasers, are overly empathetic, are conflict avoidant, who often seek the approval of others instead of relying on their own self-confidence, and generally have self-doubt are more likely to be the chosen partners of narcissists.

If you believe you have some of these traits, you may need to work on yourself. Self-help programmes and counselling could help you build better boundaries and protect your mental health.

How to break free from a narcissist?

Many a meme will tell you that you need to go “No contact” with a narcissist. Essentially life with a narcissist will have you questioning reality. “Up” is only up, if they say it is. As a consequence, individuals coming out of narcissistic relationships are often very confused about what is real, and how to make decisions for themselves. Freeing your mind of the pollution of narcissistic manipulation requires that you break contact with the person muddling the environment to create an atmosphere dedicated to their need for attention.

In a formal recovery process, your counsellor will want you to take charge of your decisions and own your own feelings. You can be okay, even if someone around you is not okay. Only by owning your own decisions in life, and understanding that you are not the source of other people’s happiness, can you truly break free from being susceptible to narcissistic manipulation in future.  

They will want you to reconnect to reality without the narcissist. You have been conditioned to see the world, and particularly other people, including yourself, through a lens that the narcissist provides. You need to start seeing the world through your own eyes again. Discussing what you like, what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable, and rediscovering your sense of self.

Your counsellor will encourage you to spend time rebuilding yourself – separate yourself from what you have been told to ‘do’ or ‘be’. Spend some time considering what makes you feel good about yourself, what actions and activities help you feel strong. You determine who you are and what you do. The narcissist will have installed themselves into the centre of your world. Once you have dislodged this parasite, you have to install yourself as the master of your life.

In addition, your counsellor will encourage you to develop new networks checking yourself to stop repeating co-dependent patterns from the past. New contacts should allow you, even encourage you, to make decisions for yourself. Friends that repeatedly tell you to go back to the narcissist possibly don’t see the manipulation at play. If those contacts cannot respect that you need to separate from someone dominating you, t term mental health build a supportive, sane, network – you may need to build a completely new network separate from the people connected to your narcissistic partner. Don’t go back to the narcissist, simply because others cannot see through the manipulative tactics being used.

If you would like to break free from narcissistic manipulation, consider counselling. You need to have a trained and trustworthy advisor, who can help you become your own person again. You want to build yourself into an independent thinker again. So that you can avoid falling into the trap of another narcissist in future.

About the author

Angela Watkins is a counsellor working out of RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Angela works with adults and teens on a variety of topics including identity, relationships, trauma, , anxiety, change, and family of origin issues.

Learn more about gaslighting: https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/01/26/surviving-gaslighting/

Non diagnostic tests for narcissism

https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/narcissism-test

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1

High School students pursuing the International Baccalaureate certification are expected to participate in CAS (Creativity, Action, Service) activities. The goal of these activities is to help children develop a holistic well-rounded perspective to learning and becoming a member of the community.  The activities are mandatory. Outside of CAS, should students (of all ages) be encouraged to participate in volunteering activities?

One benefit of volunteering is to build a CV, and consequently to improve your”chance” to gain entry to an elite university. I am not encouraging you to push your child into volunteering as part of a helicopter parent or over-parenting agenda, but rather to help them explore volunteering as a means to develop independence, resilience and empathy. These traits are predictors of success in life, not just at university.

Psychological benefits of volunteering:

World-centered vs self-centred

Exploring the plight of others helps teens see that other people experience significant challenges, helping them see the world outside of their secure and (frequently) privileged  lifestyle. Regular voluntary work increases the development of empathetic and altruistic behaviour. The voluntary action of giving your time and energy to help others aids in the development of compassion and gratitude.

Improved psychological functioning

Volunteering helps in reducing stress and anxiety, as connecting with others encourages proactiveness, wards off loneliness, and helps to combat the growing psychological culture of individualism and self-absorption.

Gain a sense of satisfaction

One of the primary psychological benefits of volunteering is the sense of accomplishment and self-satisfaction that accompanies working to make a positive difference.

Health Benefits 

For both adults and teenagers, research from the United States by Federal Government’s Corporation for National and Community Service and The University of British Columbia’s Faculty of Education and Department of Psychology, indicates that people who volunteer regularly experience better cardiovascular and mental health, including happiness and resiliency. Your child will live longer and be happier.

Create positively disruptive internal dialogue

Helping others provides teens with a valuable sense of purpose and meaning, allowing them to identify the morals and principles that they hold in high regard and then act upon them. Being aware of one’s priorities becomes rewarding once you are able to live those values and believe that you are channelling your time and efforts to make a difference. Therefore, instead of internalizing what you ‘should’ and ‘would’ do, start tackling what you ‘can’ and ‘will’ do to make a change.

For young people today, working for a charity is generally not seen to be a serious career option or even a legitimate tool for progress. However, the mental health benefits, although still a novel concept, far outweigh the overly simplistic view that volunteering is only a stepping stone to other career options. Despite this, there are a huge variety of ways for someone to serve and help others, whether you sort donations for a local charity or assist caring for children in an orphanage, both big and small acts reap psychological benefits.

You will often find that you will get more out of it than you give.

Teenagers Are Not Aliens

While it may sometimes feel like your teen is from another planet, adolescents are not, in fact, an alien species. They are, more simply, a misunderstood one.

If your teen is under 18, legally, they are still a child, and you are responsible for guiding them. As uncomfortable as it might be, take the lead, take control, and help them navigate this challenging stage until their brains are fully developed and capable of independent reasoning.

Understanding the Teen Brain

To truly understand teenagers, it’s essential to understand their developing brains. Until recently, society considered teens as “little adults,” but as detailed in The Teen Brain by Frances Jensen and Amy Ellis Nutt, this is far from the truth.

From a neurological perspective, the teen brain is only about 80% mature. The finely tuned connections in the brain’s wiring are still forming. During this period, their brains are highly receptive to learning and excitement. The neurons at the back of the brain, responsible for sex and excitement, are well-connected, but the frontal lobes—crucial for rational thought, self-awareness, risk assessment, abstract thinking, and planning—are still developing. Jensen likens the teen brain to a sports car that’s revved up but has nowhere to go.

Teens are also expanding their knowledge base, in a phase characterized by great plasticity, offering significant opportunities for growth and learning. However, this open brain is also more responsive to dopamine—the neurotransmitter that makes us feel good and fuels desire, often leading teens to seek out stimuli that boost dopamine levels, like alcohol and drugs.

The Teen Personality: Excited, Curious, and Irrational

Putting it all together, a typical teenage personality can be described as highly excited, often learning easily but struggling to articulate themselves, resist stopping an activity, or see things from another person’s point of view. It’s like a second “terrible toddler” stage.

One memorable example from a recent event involved a parent, an early childhood educator, who said, “I suddenly realized that my teen daughter, who was acting rude and obnoxious, wasn’t looking for a fight. Like a toddler, she was seeking comfort. When I offered a hug, she collapsed into my arms like she did when she was little.”

Tips for Navigating the Teen Brain

Here are some recommendations to consider when communicating with and supporting your teen:

1. Create a Time to Talk

Don’t assume your teen is ready to engage just because you are. Set a specific time for conversations and give them space for silence—remember, “Silence is never silence,” as Irvin Yalom notes.

2. Get Real with Facts and Stories

Teens respond best to concrete data and relatable stories, especially when discussing sensitive topics.

3. Prioritize Sleep

Sleep is vital—teens need at least 8.5 hours nightly to support brain development and stress relief. If they need to wake at 7 am, they should be in bed by around 10 pm, with devices turned off by 10 pm.

4. Use Reinforcement and Support Memory

Since planning and memory are still developing, have your teen write down tasks and repeat instructions to reinforce learning.

5. Limit Distractions

Teens are not great multitaskers, and their easily excitable brains are prone to distraction. Limit messaging, videos, and other distractions during study time. Recent research suggests over 80% of teen driving fatalities involve some form of distraction—often their phones.

6. Help Install the OFF Switch

Teens find it hard to stop activities due to dopamine sensitivity. Teach them to turn devices off and set boundaries on screen time together—discuss and agree on appropriate limits.

7. Perspective Matters

Because self-awareness is still developing, teens may misinterpret your tone or intentions. Be mindful of how they perceive your communication, and ask whether they understand and feel understood.

8. Prioritize Safety

As outdoor activities increase, revisit safety practices with your teen, especially regarding socializing, alcohol, and drugs. Explain how their teen brains are sensitive to substances and work out safety plans. Role-play scenarios, like recognizing when a friend has had too much to drink, and encourage them to seek help when needed.

9. Discuss the X-Plan

Consider talking through options like the “X-plan”—a safety plan designed for emergencies—so your teen knows how to handle difficult situations.

Final Thoughts

I could go on about communication techniques, but I’ll save that for another time. Parenting a teen can be challenging and lonely—but also full of shared laughter and growth. In our workshops, parents often find comfort in knowing they’re not alone in the frustrations and joys of raising teenagers.

Keep striving to understand and support your “alien-teenager.” Remember, we’re all in this together.

X-Plan: Giving your kids a way out (#xplan)

I could write even more about effective communication techniques with teens but I’ll save that for another blog. Parenting a teen can be challenging and even lonely, I noticed in our regular parenting-a-teen workshops that the empathy and frustration that the parent-participants shared, and the laughter as well. Keep going in your search to understand and best support your alien-teenager, and remember, we are not alone.

#parenting

#parenthood

#parentingtips

#raisingteens

#postiveparenting

#parentingteens

#parentingadvice

#teenager

#parentofteen

#reddoorcounselling

Note – an earlier version of this article was published in 2019.

Bullying is generally defined as intentional abuse or intimidation having a component of real or perceived power imbalance and repetition over time. Bullying includes actions such as verbal name calling, physical aggression, social exclusion, psychological stalking or harassment, or through cyber platforms including social media, WhatsApp and email.

Bullying is a serious problem. The prevalence of bullying in schools varies with study place or group. In general, bullying tends to increase through the primary school years and peaks in middle and early secondary school years.

Bullying is being recognized as an important public health issue internationally. The rising phenomenon of bullying is posing enormous challenges to the school educational system in several countries worldwide causing a negative effect on academic stability, student health, well-being, and safety.

Kids bully for a variety of reasons including that they have been bullied (at school or at home); bullying has been supported in particular environments in the past (including mocking by teachers in schools), bullying is not directly addressed and this looking the other way has demonstrated that bullying can be an “effective” tool of controlling other people.

Whilst schools say they have a zero tolerance to threatening behaviour dealing with bullying is not as simple as it might first appear. Many factors make it difficult for schools to deal forcefully with incidents of bullying.

For example, often bullying occurs off campus. On campus bullying is usually regarded within the remit of the school to deal with. When bullying happens between members of a school community, but off campus, sometimes schools see this as outside their jurisdiction. This is sometimes the case with online bullying. If this happens to you, remember that schools often have a communication and technology use policy. It may be good to read the policy so that you can involve the school actively if cyber bullying is a stated infraction of their rules.  

Bullies are people too. Sometimes people who are bullying are actually quite vulnerable individuals themselves. They may be being bullied (in school or at home), they may not have strong social skills in order to better express their needs. Whilst they are dys-regulated and may have reasons for their outbursts and controlling behaviour, this doesn’t dismiss them from some accountability from their actions.  

There is a tendency to blame the victim in aggressive situations. Sometime individuals look to the victim of a crime to see how they have contributed to the situation, not only how they feel as victims of the bullying. We often do this ourselves, as a may to make sense of situations. Whilst no one may be blameless in an incident there are lines of acceptable behaviour that we need to draw and communicate what is poor behaviour, from aggressive behaviour.

Supporting your bullied child/ teen.

Listen to your child – They may want to ignore what has happened. There are times when you can ignore bullying, such as when a bullying person is simply trying to get a rise out of you. Remind your child that no one has the right to harm them.

Document your experience – so that you are clear about what is happening. You want to include if this is a one-time situation or has occurred on a repetitive basis. Also document the impact – was it perceived by your child as hostile or threatening. Include details of the bullying as fully as you can. 

Work collaboratively with the school. Whilst you can assert that you expect the school to take action, remember it will be more helpful to work collaboratively with them not attack them for your child.

Consider ‘retribution’. What do you consider an acceptable “correction of the bullying behaviour”? Do you know, and does your child know, what an appropriate apology looks like for their victim? For example, in a recent example I worked through with my own teen was cyber bullied by a person at her school – she detailed her desire, “he can’t just say some vague sorry on line, he needs to say what he did was wrong and that he understands why it was wrong” . These components of an apology mean, saying a sincere sorry, understanding why the person has done something careless (personal responsibility), understanding the impact on the victim. If you would like to understand more about what makes a good apology to you, I suggest you explore the apology quiz if your child is a teen. What makes an apology meaningful to them?

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

Professional support. Consider if your child will need additional help to navigate their feelings around the events.  If exclusion happened you might like to consider counselling. Many schools have school counsellors that you may have free access to. Otherwise consider private counselling. Nip any negative thought cycles or shame created by bullying in the bud. It is established that childhood bullying has a propensity to continue into adulthood and, if persistent, can leave lifelong scars. Help your child access the support to leave these incidents in the past once they leave school.   

Therapeutic exercises such as journalling and confidence building exercises can help the victim of bulling. One journalling exercise I particularly like, at the time of bullying, is one where the victim of bullying writes a letter to themselves. This helps them support themselves and, hopefully, construct a plan of how they would like to respond.

Take a break from social media. If your child has been cyberbullied encourage them to take a break from social media for a while. Cyberbullying is very difficult to contain because of Cyber bullying is different from in person bullying because it is un-boundaries, often moves faster, privacy cannot be maintained, there is no refuge for your child, the content can remain live forever if it is shared by others, and it’s harder to trace. People feel emboldened to say things online that they would rarely feel confident to express face to face. Having your child observe the speed at which gossip can spread online can be distressing. Sometimes being away from the bullying rather than observing how information can spread, can be less distressing.

Quality family time. You may like to spend more time with your child if they have been bullied. This helps to remind your child that their family is their primary source of support, and will always be there for them.

Build a bigger network of friends. Have your child spend time with friends outside of school for a little, rather than their usual school friends can sometimes help. Whilst I don’t recommend isolating from supports at school, sometimes its nice to have some distance from all the drama involved in bulling and have a nice day out where the bulling is not the only topic of conversation

Own it. Encourage your child to talk to their friends about what has happened. Bullying is, unfortunately extremely common. Sometimes your child might feel ashamed of what has happened. Encourage your child to talk openly about their experience. Their loud sharing may save another child from suffering, and possibly harming themselves, in silence.

Proactive work. Schools and counselling groups work with children to help them build some resilience to withstand bullying. Some groups, such as members of the LGBTQ+ community, and children with different educational capabilities, experience bullying at higher rates than other teens. Helping them bolster their self-esteem, learn some clever clap backs, may be of help.

Set standards. Do not accept that bullying is a normal or acceptable behaviour, at school, or at work. Check your own behaviour to see if you have been complicit in supporting the bullying of others. We can all be more aware that bullying occurs, and that we can all help to stop these behaviours.

Bullying can have long term impact. Protect and support your child.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor working with teens and adults as they navigate traumatic, or challenging events in their lives. Angela has been named the best therapist in Hong Kong. If you’d like to meet Angela for an appointment, email her on Angelaw@reddoor.hk

Useful Books on bulling:

De Lara, E.W. (2016) Bullying scars: the impact on adult life and relationships.

Lohmann, RC, and Taylor, J. V. (2013) The bullying workbook for teens.

Martocci, L (2021) My bullied past – why does it still hurt?

Mathews, J and Mathews, A. (2011) Stop the bullying.

Payne, K, J., and Llosa, L.N. (2022) Emotionally resilient tweens and teens.

#teens #teenmentalhealth #reddoorcounselling #bullying #redddoorcounselling