So many people are living in a psychological jail created by a sense of shame. Shame doesn’t have to dominate how you feel about yourself, and the decisions that you make. Break free from the prison of shame.

Shame is a complex, painful experience that most of us experience at some point in our lives. It is characterised by the mental distress, often together with unpleasant feelings within your body including feeling like you have knots in your stomach, chest pain, lumps in the throat, and heated skin, when you feel you have done or are wrong in a situation. There are usually accompanying negative intrusive thoughts such as, “I am bad or messed up”.

When our shame becomes chronic, it can take over our identity and our energy to live fully. When we experience this type of shame, we are steeped in the fear of being ridiculed, diminished or feeling flawed. Whatever, we feel ashamed of, at its foundation is an unconsciously belief of inferiority or being unacceptable – even being unlovable. I call these our root shame beliefs – they include thoughts such as:

• I am unlovable
• I am dirty
• I am disgusting
• I am inferior
• I am a joke
• I am a bad person
• I am a fraud
• I deserve to be punished
• I am nothing

Shame is a common denominator in low self-esteem, high reactivity, perfectionism, intimacy issues and co-dependency. Shame traps us. Shame breaks us.

There are different types of shame – some is attached to situations, when you break an norm or expectation, or existential shame, when you come to realise something about yourself (e.g. you drink too much). When shame internalised/toxic shame it becomes especially problematic. Internalised/ Toxic shame is when you believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Often this is the result of external experiences or commentary.

Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is about a specific behaviour or fear of a punishment, whilst shame is about feeling that something is unacceptable about us. When we feel shame, blame is never far behind.

Some cultures place a particularly high value on reputation, face, honour and one’s contribution to their community. In such societies, shame may be used as a tool to modify the behaviour of a member of the community. In some cases, if a ‘wrong’ can not be corrected a traditional expectation may even include suicide.

If shame has been shaping your experience, we want you to know that you CAN move out of those associated experiences of being disconnected, rejected, diminished and reduced.

What are people ashamed of?

People are ashamed for a variety of reasons. In therapy we see shame from which we try to free our clients. Often, as people who care about our clients, we wish we could help them see that they should NOT be ashamed of the things they are ashamed of. Shame is rarely fair or even rational.  Shame destroys our sense of self, and our feeling of acceptance, unnecessarily.

People feel ashamed about:

• Their appearance
• Their culture, ethnicity
• Their addictions (drinking, drugs, gambling)
• Their mental health
• Their sexuality
• Their identity
• Financial troubles or status
• Their learning challenges
• Their marital status – particularly if they have been forced into divorce
• Being rejected by their family of origin
• Being in an abusive romantic relationship

Defence mechanisms against shame.

We respond to shame in a number of maladaptive ways. Have you been using these techniques to maintain or avoid dealing with your shame?

• Denial/ Repression – we refuse to believe what has happened or bury it because we or others think it is unacceptable. This can lead us to become easily triggered as we mask our sensitivities. Paradoxically we try to make a stimulus have no impact, but instead we can become hypersensitive to trivial criticism that we worry could reveal the source of our shame.
• Projection – when we project, we disown our unacceptable feelings, thoughts or qualities onto someone else. Sometimes we blame another person before we think they can judge us.
• Self-Pity victimisation – sometimes we really are victims, but we can also portray ourselves as a victim as way to avoid growth. It is rare, but some adults provoke abuse from others in order to receive the punishment they believe they deserve as part of their shame.
• Withdrawal – we can force ourselves to live in the shadows so that others can’t see the source of our shame. Introverts are more likely to follow this approach.
• Avoidance/ Addiction – When we have strong shame we may choose to self-medicate to escape the negative feelings and thoughts associated with our self-hatred.
• Contempt – sometimes we make use arrogance as a defence. Using and inflated sense f ourselves to avoid our feelings of inferiority.
• Envy – we can compare ourselves to others and blame them for our situation.  For example, “I have to be this way because those other people have all the resources and I have none”
• Oversharing – when we asked about our circumstances we share the whole story, including all the ugly details of our experience because we feel obligated or compelled to share our shame.
• Acting out in anger or aggression – aggressiveness may become intensified if we believe that another person stimulates our self- judgement. We may become vindictive, physically aggressive, or passive aggressive.

A way out of shame.

Shame makes us silent, defensive, hypersensitive, combative, forced to live in denial or anger. The opposite of shame is also part of the cure for shame. The opposite of feeling shame is being self-accepting, being compassionate to yourself, accepting that perfection is not ideal or realistic, being forgiving of your problems and shortcomings, understanding that progress is made in consistent effort (i.e. resilient), and being connected to people rather than treating yourself as if you deserve punishment.

Easier said than done, I hear you say.

In counselling we recommend a number of techniques and have sessions focused on various recovery practices. Some that I particularly recommend are quietening your inner critic, creating an inner champion, and reflective journalling to help you recover.

Whilst you can do this work on your own, using some of the books listed as recommendations to this article, working with a counsellor will probably be more efficient. A counsellor can help frame questions to help you better see your shame traps, and navigate the practices that maintain your shame, as well as help you prioritise activities that could help.

Shame reducing exercises

Shame makes us silent, defensive, hypersensitive, combative, forced to live in denial or anger. The opposite of shame is also part of the cure for shame. The opposite of feeling shame is being self-accepting, being compassionate to yourself, accepting that perfection is not ideal or realistic, being forgiving of your problems and shortcomings, understanding that progress is made in consistent effort (ie resilient), and being connected to people rather than treating yourself as if you deserve punishment.

Easier said than done, I hear you say.

In counselling, we recommend a number of techniques and have sessions focused on various recovery practices. Some that I particularly recommend are quietening your inner critic, creating an inner champion, and reflective journalling to help you recover.

Whilst you can do this work on your own, using some of the books listed as recommendations to this article, working with a counsellor will probably be more efficient. A counsellor can help frame questions to help you better see your shame traps, and navigate the practices that maintain your shame, as well as help you prioritise activities that could help.

Recovery from shame.

When we explore how people react to shame, we can summarised that, in response to their shame, people move against people, away from people, or move towards people. Moving towards people means being vulnerable, showing love. In order to be able to be vulnerable and show love we need to free ourselves from the power we have given our shame.

Quieten your inner critic

In order to free ourselves from shame, you will need to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us has an inner critic, who often picks away at our sense of self, building a kingdom of shame. In session we will often confront a client’s inner critic so that they can, often for the first time, realise that they are feeding themselves a series of unhelpful and poisonous thoughts. This inner critic maintains your shame. The inner critic writes excessively long to do lists of “should” in response to your reaction whatever you are ashamed of.

Remember Many of us give a full stage and podium to our inner critic, but little air time to soothing words of self-affirmation of our inner champion. Remember the words that you say to yourself can build you up or strip you down. If you are suffering from negative self-concept you need to feed yourself positive words. The thing you are ashamed of, is probably not really that shameful. You need to change the record that plays in your head. Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes.

I often encourage clients to name their inner critic, usually with a name that I dislike. Mine is called Kevin, simply so I can say to myself, “Shut up Kevin,” whenever I find myself in a labyrinth of self-criticism. This quietens the critic AND makes me smile. You need to then work on its antithesis – the inner champion or cheerleader.

Engage your inner champion.

Engage your inner champion/ cheerleader.  creating a character or component inside yourself whose role is to be the champion you need. This voice needs to help you accept your shame and turn your vulnerability from something to hide from to something we can be proud of. There is a reason that the movement towards acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community is called PRIDE.

When deciding what your inner champion might need to perform in support of you, consider the opposite elements of shame. This key inner voice needs to help you stay connected to the world, be compassionate, feel pride in yourself, help you to be resilient, accept that you are imperfect being and that, that, is okay. Self-acceptance is a priority.

For example, your inner champion could:

• Encouraging you
• Give you empathy
• Supporting you when you feel unfairly treated
• Help to build your self-esteem
• Help you to feel empowered
• Validating your feelings
• Talk to you  positively about our looks, feelings, experiences
• Understand that when people judge people like you, it demonstrates their problems, not ours.
• Helping you identify and regulate your emotions
• Help us face up to our responsibilities rather than feel “less than” because of parts of us we don’t accept

Your champion is going to respond to the demands of your inner critic – using self compassion and acceptance, and even forgiveness to free us from the tyranny of should that the critic will list for us to live under. We can sometimes explore these internal dialogues by using journals.

Using journal pages and prompts to help you break free from shame.

I am a proponent of journaling. I see it as an essential component of self-therapy. I’ve attached a link to an article about journaling to help you better appreciate the benefits of journaling at the end of this article.

The creative process of journalling allows all of your voices to be expressed on the page. Internal self-dialogue, is much more clear when captured on paper. I prefer prompted journals as an empty page can be daunting.

Exercise series 1: Let your shame speak

In this series of journal pages, you will give your shame a voice to allow it to express the thoughts associated some of your fundamental shame beliefs. For example, you write your response to a root belief that you hold within your experience of shame. You can know what your root belief is by reading each of the common shame root beliefs and feel in your body the one that gives you the biggest response. We have created these pages for your consideration.

Step 1: Let your shame speak –responding to a root belief

Step 2 Separate the shoulds based in fact from the shoulds that are based in shame

Step 3 Imagine an alternative future

Step 4 Create a rebuttal.

Exercise series 2: Reprogramming messages from the past.

Step 1: Identify messages from your youth that have come to affect you and your perception of yourself. Think about the messages that your friends or family, or culture, impressed upon you when you were young. List these out.  These might include

• Be nicer
• Don’t be so sensitive
• Don’t act crazy
• You are a psycho
• Act like a lady
• Don’t be so stupid
• Be nicer to people
• You are lazy

Step 2: What was the impact. Did you feel embarrassed or humiliated by these messages. How are you allowing them to affect you as an adult?

Step 3: Have you turned these messages into a tyranny of should that your inner critic reminds you of regularly. Does it seem fair that you are so tough on yourself?

Step 4: Consider listening to your inner champion instead. Are these messages needed or helpful to you? If you were showering yourself with self-compassion and protecting yourself, would you listen to these messages and the tyranny of should any more?

Try these activities to help you work through your shame. Sometimes it is hard to be objective when you are looking at and within ourselves. You can consider working through a counsellor to help you find pathways through tough spots, when you get stuck, or find some elements too painful. A good counsellor can help you move through the shame reduction process, and break you free from the thoughts that have been keeping your trapped.

About the Author: Angela Watkins is the lead counsellor at RED DOOR. Angela helps adults, teens and families break through emotional road bumps. You can feel better. To contact Angela for an appointment email angelaw@reddoor.hk.

Other blogs about Journaling:

The power of reflection: Six reasons to start a journal

Useful books:

Darlene Lancer (2014) Conquering shame and codependency: 8 Steps to freeing the true you

Rebecca Mandeville (2020) Rejected, shamed and blamed: Help and hope for adults in the family scapegoat role.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel (2018) It’s not always depression: Working the change triangle to listen to the body, discover core emotions and connect to your authentic self.

Brene Brown (2007) I thought it was just me: Women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame.

Stephen Guise (2015) How to be an imperfectionist.

The term mother wound is used by psychologists to describe the emotional pain or trauma that can be result of a difficult or disruptive relationship with one’s mother. You do not need to have had “bad” parents, or a history of trauma, to acknowledge that a part of you feels wounded from how interactions with your mother have left you feeling incomplete or unloved.

Many people identify that they have experienced a lack of emotional validation from their mothers. Individuals have a plethora of reasons to be unable to provide emotional care for their children. Whilst this creates pain in the children of these mothers, this article is not about blaming that parent.

It is unfortunate that you did not have the type of parent that you needed, and deserved. You can stay stuck in that pain, or consider looking at how to heal that hurt.

Healing the mother wound is about actively providing the care for yourself to heal what remains. In the same way that if someone accidentally cut you with a knife, it does you better to pay attention to treating the wound than shouting at the weapon that caused the injury.

You may feel angry because of the perceived failings of your parents. I encourage you to talk through that anger with a professional. You do not have to forgive or forget. That said, this venting, whilst cathartic, does not completely heal the wound. Blaming your current status on other people might feel good, but you will still need to actively work on a repair for yourself. This probably feels unfair. An alternative way to look at it would be to say that you are seizing the reigns of your future and will do the work to deliver your future, rather than waiting for someone else to do the work for you (not possible) or stay stuck in the past (in which case repair rarely occurs).

Understanding your mother wound

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with your mother. Think about how that relationship affects you today. Did you feel loved and secure? Were you let wondering if you were good enough? Did you need to act in a role that didn’t allow you to be a child? Did your needs take second place to the needs of other family members? Were you labelled as lazy, crazy, a troublemaker? Write these observations down so that you can reflect on this commentary later. Recognising the ways that your past experiences affect your present can help you begin to heal.

Some of the symptoms and signs that you may be experiencing as a consequence of having a mother wound can include the following:

• Perfectionism
• Low self-esteem
• People pleasing (being a Yes-person)
• Poor personal boundaries
• Self-sabotaging behaviours
• Problems with being assertive
• Difficulty caring for your needs
• Idol worshiping other people
• Being conflict avoidant
• Difficulty regulating your emotions, feeling over emotional
• Constant feelings of shame and guilt
• Trouble in interpersonal relationships including fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting people and/or co-dependency
• A sense of emptiness.
• Lack of confidence to parent your own children
• Difficulty accepting responsibility for your role in situations
• Vulnerability to addiction or self-medication
• Regular negative self-talk

What can you do to heal your mother wound?

The following activities will help to heal your mother wound. Whilst you can do these alone, these tasks are often more effective when performed in collaboration with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to help frame questions in a constructive, reflective manner that helps clients to focus on the feelings and their responsibilities rather than noise and excuses, additionally they can help you to feel safer, and more calm, during these painful explorations.

Reflections and recognise An important first step is to understand how your past is affecting your present. We listed a series of symptoms in the section above. It is important for you to consider particular instances where you have demonstrated these behaviours so that we can consider what thoughts, reactions, or triggers are occurring in those situations.

Let me give you an example. A client recently told me a story about a recent frustrating her interaction with her boss. In the recount, Janice (not her real name), was annoyed that her boss had not yet repaired the air conditioner in the classroom where Janice teaches thirty 5-year-olds. Janice identified that she was angrier about the air conditioner than she felt was logical. Knowing Janice well, as well as her history with a mother who often dismissed the impact of events in Janice’s early life, I asked if her current reaction could be related to feeling ignored by her mother when she had made bids for emotional validation as a child. Suddenly Janice’s overreaction made sense. Janice was reacting not only to her boss’s current inaction, but to a repeated, old wounded belief, that she was not important enough to be listened to, a mother wound.

If you have overreacted to a situation, do not stay locked in the shame you might feel about it. Be curious. Could the present actually be reminding you of the past? We call this type of reaction a trauma response. It is usually attached to a traumatic event, but isn’t always. If certain circumstances remind you that you feel ignored, dismissed, labelled unfairly, or mocked, it may be as part of your history, and pain from your childhood.

Throughout the recovery from a mother wound, and especially at this time, journalling your thoughts is particularly helpful. Start writing some helpful prompts that can start your ability to reflect on these situations. Here are some prompts which might help.

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. When did you start to notice this behaviour in yourself? What could have happened in the past that planted the seeds for this behavioural choice? If you could, magically be rid of this problem, how would your life be different?

Pick one symptom that you suspect may be attached to experiences from your childhood. What are the benefits to you of feeling this way, or performing this behaviour? What does it mean for you as an adult to be experiencing this behaviour/ feeling? Are you ready to consider changing this behaviour/feeling? Do you know how?  

A key component of recovery from the persistent challenges from a mother wound involve the essential element of re-parenting. Re-parenting involves creating a character or component inside yourself whose role is to be the parent that you need. That role is sometimes refered to as your Inner Parent.

Counselling provides a objective, yet non judgmental way to look at yourself and how you interact with the world. All of us can benefit from the process of self-exploration which is an essential component of the counselling processing.

When deciding what your inner parent might need to perform in support of you, it will be helpful for you to consider what you want/wanted your parent to do in their role as parent.

For example your inner parent could:

• Encouraging us
• Calming us
• Taking care of our basic needs
• Organising our health checks
• Supporting us when we feel unfairly treated
• Help to build your self-esteem
• Looking after your safety
• Validating your feelings
• Nurturing you
• Helping you identify and regulate your emotions
• Help us face up to our responsibilities
• Prioritise us over other people

When you write a list of these activities you can use it to start to set an agenda of what your Inner Parent needs to provide for you. The questions that remain is how can you achieve these goals. Talking this through with a counsellor, or close friends will be a great place to start.

Do yourself a favour – write the agenda of your inner parent today, and start re-parenting yourself tomorrow.

In order to set up a compassionate inner parent for success, you will need to quiet your Inner Critic. Each of us has an inner critic, who often picks away at our sense of self, building a kingdom of shame. In session we will often confront a client’s inner critic so that they can, often for the first time, realise that they are feeding themselves a series of unhelpful and poisonous thoughts. I often encourage clients to name their inner critic, usually with a name that I dislike. Mine is called Kevin, simply so I can say to myself, “Shut up Kevin,” whenever I find myself in a labyrinth of self-criticism. This quietens the critic AND makes me smile.

To help recover from the emptiness we may feel from the way we were raised we need to practice self-compassion and self-validation. Being kind to yourself is an active process. Many of us give a full stage and podium to our inner critic, but little air time to soothing words of self-affirmation. Remember the words that you say to yourself can build you up or strip you down. If you are suffering from negative self-concept you need to feed yourself positive words. You need to change the record that plays in your head. Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Look up self-compassion workbooks in Amazon to start building and enterprise of exercises to help you. Or talk to your counsellor who can help create a customised programme around your needs and messaging.

The practice of mindfulness and mediation to create a greater generalised sense of calm so that you can better observe your reactions to situations and be curious and more reflective over your behavioural responses. Working with a mindfulness trained coach can help you better notice and react to situations that trigger you.

Utilizing healthy creative practices can help you reflect on emotions and create a vision of your future with the help of your Inner parent. Creative expression of ideas, feelings and conerns decrease stress and anxiety, increase feelings of calm and help develop self-awareness. Engaging in creative endeavors is good for your mental health. For example, you can use colouring, painting, needlecraft, clay work and writing to express yourself.

For those of you who know me, you will know I am a fan of reflective journalling. Journalling allows your internal dialogue to be played out on the page. If you use journal prompts you can better capture your thoughts to be expressed on a particular issue or worry. Its harder to start journalling from a blank page.

Some journal prompts that might help you could include:

When was the last time I was truly kind to myself. How did I feel when I was looked after by myself?

Am I able to allow myself to “parent”? If not, what thoughts and concerns are holding me back?

What kindness or support could I provide for myself that would make a big difference in my life?

If I had to compare the amount of time that a listen to my inner critic rather than my inner parent, what would the balance look like? What could I do to make the ratio of air-time better for my mental health?

Lastly, be patient with yourself and your healing journey. You may want to rush to be whole again. It might be better to change one small thing at a time, so that you can reflect and re frame your world around the small changes that could be made. Allow yourself time to grow , after all that’s what a good parent would do.

About the Author – Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor helping teens and adults recover from hurt and shame. Angela helps clients make the changes that take back their control of their lives. To book an appointment contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

Helpful books about the mother wound and reparenting:

Larry ALLEN (2023) Unearthing the mother wound: Healing and growth for a happier life

Maria CLARKE (2022) Healing your wounded inner child

Natasha LEVINGER (2023) Healing your inner child: Re-parenting yourself for a more secure and loving life.

Other articles you might find helpful: 

Changing your thinking:

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/10/06/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/

about writing a journal

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/06/08/troubled-by-your-thoughts-try-journalling/

breaking free from narcissism

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2024/01/11/breaking-free-from-narcissistic-manipulation/

when parents and children become estranged

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2023/04/10/when-families-break-up-parent-adult-child-estrangement/

Can couples counselling save your marriage?

 

Whilst most counsellors would like to say an unequivocal “YES” to this question, reconnection is very dependent on the couple, the history of their relationship, the degree of contempt in the relationship, the commitment of both parties to try to work at the relationship, and of course, the involvement of other parties.

 

When couples come to me for counselling the first diagnostic that I look for is the “sign of life”. We’re these people happy together once? If they were happy once, and both believe this, this is a promising sign of life and hope for the relationship. There will still be a lot of work, but you cannot make something that was never good into something great, but you can, again, like someone who you once loved.

 

The reality of couples counselling is that some couples  come to counselling after a serious disruptive act – such as having an affair, long standing contempt, and the echo of other significant life events (death of a parent, loss of work).  Whilst walking back from those challenges can be accomplished, it may be better to consider counselling when there are warning signs, rather than war wounds.

 

You are having the same argument again and again, for more than 6 months. Sometimes these arguments are a cover for other, even more complicated issues. Counsellors can help couples learn to communicate more effectively, and also dissect underling issues.

 

You live separate lives from one another. If you feel like you are more like flatmates than life mates. The process of counselling may help you build positive shared goals and set rules of engagement to help you reconnect Sometimes marriage partners feel determined, because of past hurst (inside or before the marriage) to express their independence from their partner. Counselling may help you face and resolve the opportunity to reconnect and enhance your shared feeling of like, and love.

 

You want different things out of life from your partner. Once upon at time you may have been best friends, and shared everything. As we grown, partners can become disconnected, especially as children enter the equation. A love relationship requires investment. People can change, and you may believe different things, but could an remain connected. A counsellor could help you navigate your shared values and help build better connectivity.

 

Intimacy is lacking. Intimacy is not just sex. All affection – hand holding, touching, kissing, and sex, matters. Couples counselling can help partners describe and discuss the reasons behind their challenges to intimacy.

 

You or your partner is tempted to have an affair. Relationships can be significantly damaged by disruption to expectations of exclusively. Even harmless Facebook flirting with ex-partners. Couples counselling can help individuals connect and consider their needs of their ego, and their current relationship.

 

Trust has been broken. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. When we do not trust our partner, we may try to build defences around ourselves and these compromise our future of the relationship in our relationship. Trust is an essential, yet fragile, component of relationships. Counselling can help couples explore reasons to trust (or not) and their own personal values and viewpoints that compromise their barriers to trust in the future.

Counselling can help couples reconnect. When choosing a couple counselling options you will find different modes and options. At RED DOOR we are the only provider in HK to provide the Conjoint therapy of Couples Counselling.

The advantage of Conjoint therapy in Couples Counselling. The model we use at RED DOOR. At RED DOOR we use the conjoint couples therapy approach. In Conjoint therapy two therapists work with the couple during couples’ sessions and then one counsellor will meet with you for any one-on-one sessions. This is an advanced method of couples therapy. Since there are two therapists in the room there is less chance of either of the partners feeling blamed, or favoured. If you have felt that any previous couple therapist sided with you, or your partner, you will appreciate the objectivity and inclusion that this model supplies. There are a number of therapeutic options available in the conjoint model including pairing vs individual counsellors , role play and modelling of problems and techniques, as well as  break-out sessions within couples sessions (which is helpful if one client becomes flooded, or some negotiations are required) . This model also keeps the therapist moving sessions forward constructively. Often if sessions become heated much of a therapist’s attention is moved towards “traffic control”. Traffic control whilst necessary, is not the goal of therapy. Therapy is to help blockages in communication and find the right tools and skills to help remedy the problems. Having a second therapist on hand helps keep the therapeutic goal on track. In conjoint-couples therapy you each have someone who understands each of your perspectives in the room. The team of counsellors work with you, and together to formulate a plan to understand and overcome the challenges in your relationship. At RED DOOR, we use a Gottman informed approach, but will also include emotionally focused therapy, CBT and narrative therapy tools. Because two therapists are involved there are cost implications. At RED DOOR we try to manage this by asking each of the therapist to reduce their standard fee for the sessions.

If you don’t feel ready, or your partner will not go to counselling, you might consider reading relationship building books

I personally like Gottman & Silver, “The seven principles for making marriage work” and M. Kirshenbaum’s “I love you, but I don’t trust you”. For some quick ideas to reconnect, please see our blog on making your relationship better:  https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/02/14/make-your-relationship-better/

Best of luck keeping your relationship on track. Please remember the words of American relationship psychologist Barbara De Angelis , “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It is something you do”.

#reddoor #couples #relationships #trust #mentalhealthessentials

There are a number of ways that families can break-up. Death of a family member, divorce, rejection of a child by a parent, break ups due to strained adult sibling relationships, and, the topic of this article, parental estrangement by an adult child.

A few years ago I received a text from a parent living in Europe. Mary*. Mary’s son, John*, lives in Hong Kong and Mary was looking for a way to reconnect with him. She detailed that John had asked for them to cease contact, for reasons that, “she knows what she had done”. She supplied John’s email address and requested that I broach contact with John to check if he would be willing to engage in family therapy to reconcile their relationship. (*these are not the real names of these individuals)

I reached out to John to see if he would like to start a discussion about what had happened from his perspective, with a view to considering if relationship recovery could be possible. He was clear in his intent to remain estranged. Reconciliation requires two willing parties.

My attention turned to Mary and providing some of the support that she would require to understand her situation and be able to move forward. One piece of “comfort” I could provide is that parental estrangement from their adult children is a growing trend among families. She is not alone.

The trend for adult children to choose estrangement from their parents might be increasing as individuals value their individuality over group membership (ie staying in touch with family) in modern societies. Adult children, more often do not live in the same town or city as their parents. Isay (2007) suggests that members of society are driven by external safety requirements. In times of war families try to stay together. In times of peace, deliberate estrangement seems to become more likely.

Regardless of the societal factors behind the trend of estrangement, adults today seem to feel more enabled to consider separation from their family of origin.

Estrangement is painful and confusing. You will likely be consumed in a haze of emotions including shock and disbelief, shame, anger, rejection and you will be stressed. It is normal to worry and catastrophise over how bad it can be and how long this can last. Unfortunately, estrangement usually lasts a matter of years, rather than a matter of weeks and months.

“When they are adults, our children, posses the ultimate weapon: distancing. In order to keep from feeling hurt or put down, they just recede from us and get on with their lives”. Isay, 2007, Walking on Eggshells.

Why do adult children choose to distance themselves?

I don’t think that adult children are obligated to maintain a relationship with a parent, especially if there has been a history of abuse in the family. Sometimes parents do very little to cause an estrangement. Sometimes they have done a lot.

“However painful the separation, many adult children report that ending the relationship with the parent was the only way they could find to take control over their own lives” Coleman, Rules of Engagement, 2020.

In researching the main causes that adult children choose to distance themselves from their parents the following causes are the most recorded reasons.

Family therapist Joshua Coleman surveyed 1600 estranged parents and suggests that 75% of the cases that he reviewed were estranged as a result of a divorce between biological parents.

While the revelation of a parent’s affair is a lot for a child of any age to work through, it is especially damaging if the other parent uses the affair to punish their ex by poisoning the children’s opinion of that parent.

Parental alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a major factor driving some children’s decision (including adult children) to distance themselves from a parent. When one party in a divorce engages in parental alienation behaviours (such as listed below) it can create the circumstances where a child (adult or a minor) may choose to distance themselves from their biological parent.

A word of warning to the those parents utilizing alienation activities – when children identify that they have been exposed to such practices, which can happen when they become adults, this can become a reason that they choose to become estranged from their parent that they believe weaponized and manipulated them during the divorce.

Any discussion of reasons why adult children reject their parents has to include the impact of third party influencers. Your child’s romantic partner, or their family may be partly involved in their decision to distance themselves.

If your child is struggling with mental health issues, they may choose to become estranged as part of that condition, or because of their shame attached to their condition. Addicts, particularly if they are not ready to consider recovery, do not like their families to witness their struggle.

If your adult child has felt suffocated or controlled during their childhood they may feel like they have no means to become self determining that involves your parenting style.

Studies have showing that differential treatment – where parents behave more positively toward one of their children (favoritism) can affect the overall well-being of children even after they have grown. Whilst this is only one of the potential causes of ongoing sibling conflict, it may be one of the reasons that sibling conflict can split up the family of origin.

If parents expect their children to mirror their own values and beliefs this can cause particular challenges. Gay adults find it extremely difficult to maintain relationships with parents who are rejecting of their identity. In such circumstances parents will need to consider the price of the reconciliation. They can have a relationship with their gay adult child, or no relationship with their preferred/imagined straight offspring. Differences in viewpoints can break down connection.

Can you reconcile?

When a parent reaches out to facilitate a reconciliation I make no assumption about their guilt or innocence in regard to claims by their adult child. What I want to emphasize is that if you want things to be different, it will require change on the part of the parent. It is important that the estranged parent ties to empathize and understand their perspective of their adult child. This doesn’t mean that you are saying that the adult child is right, you need to consider to stop telling them that their perspective is wrong, or invalid.

It is easy, but not productive to resist the need to empathize or change. You might feel you have done nothing wrong. You might believe that being willing to listen to your child’s version of events will reinforce their immaturity, reinforce the position of other, third, parties, or be used against you. You may even fear that becoming tolerate to your child’s narrative might make you feel bad about yourself. Being vulnerable is sometimes more possible if a family therapist drives the reconciliation process.

In the below graphic we detail some of the elements each party needs to be prepared to commit to in order for reconciliation to be possible:

As I detailed in the case of Mary and John at the beginning of this blog, it takes two collaborative parties to make reconciliation possible. Often a family therapist provides the space and perspective required for each party to be able to express themselves in a constructive manner where their feelings can be managed. Even then success is not guarenteed.

You may therefore need to consider how you will survive the estrangement, whilst you hope that reconcilation may become possible.

How to survive Parent- Adult Child Estrangement.

It is extremely distressing to be cut off from any group, and particularly if your own child decides to distance themselves from you. From my work, and research on this topic I have the following practices that you can consider.

If you are going though any challenge to your mental health, including estrangement from your child, find a support group if possible. Your experience is unique to you, but not uncommon in society. Find a physical or online support group. Google search for parents of estranged adults to see if you can find a forum online or in person.

Empathizing with your adult child is an essential ingredient of reconciliation. Take some time to reflect on their experience. For example – what pain could you acknowledge may have been hard for them. Is it possible that you have dismissed this pain or invalidated your child’s experience? Even if your adult child continues to distance themselves, these reflections may make it more possible for you to forgive them for their choice.

Give your experience a voice. Estrangement is painful. Write about your pain. Try to capture your thoughts so that you can reflect upon them. Write about the shame that you might be experiencing. Challenge if you need to really feel ashamed. Social media paints pictures of families wrapped up together in a loving embrace. Many of those images are fabrications, not reality.

Be careful in any communication with your child. Be careful not to create further reason for estrangement. It may be tempting to lecture your child . It is reasonable to expect you treat you with the kindness and sensitivity that you expect from any other adult, but understand they want to be heard and respected as well. Communicate at a frequency that you are comfortable with. For example you might choose to communicate around significant dates – birthdays and Christmas etc. Consider a letter of amends.

Joshua Coleman recommends that his clients (parents) write a letter of amends to their adult child. This letter shows you care. Such a letter will demonstrate that that you are willing to model reflecting, taking responsibility and offering an apology. This letter can help clarify what you accept and take responsibility for in the parent-child relationship whilst emphasizing that no harm was intended within that relationship. This letter provides proof that you acknowledge that your child is now an adult, and able to make the decision to continue to distance but you would like them to consider an alternative. In writing the letter you can demonstrate that you can take responsibility for yourself, whilst also offering yourself some self-compassion.

Counselling – both regarding the reconciliation, and for yourself will help you frame your emotional state, explore your responsibilities, and consider a path forward. Counselling can help you address the shame and the weight of the stereotype of the pitiful rejected parent.

You will need to spend time, with your counsellor, or on your own capturing your thoughts and ruminations. It is hard to understand what to do, and how to process some of these thoughts on your own.

Whilst you wait for reconciliation, do you not put your life on hold. Make friends, spend time with people.

You decide what you share with other people about the condition of your relationship with your adult child. You can be honest, but economical, about the estrangement with new acquaintances. For example you do not need to explain the whole situation to everyone. If you are asked if you have children, you can simply say, “I have a child but we are estranged at this time”. You do not owe anyone the backstory.

Remember you can survive.

About the author of this article: Angela Watkins is a counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling helping adults, teens and families navigate various mental health challenges including divorce, special educational needs, family relations, romantic relationship challenges, substance dependence, depression, self-harm, and recovery from abuse.

Parent – Adult Child Estrangement books

Coleman, J (2020) Rules of Engagement: Why adult children cut ties and how to heal the conflict [RECOMMENDED]

Isay, J (2007) Walking on eggshells: Navigating the delicate relationship between adult children and parents.

McGregor, S (2016) Done with crying: Help and healing for mothers of estranged adult children [RECOMMENDED]

Here is some advice from the trenches – Six of the best books are recommended, from the participants of our surviving divorce therapeutic support group, and myself, as their counsellor.

No book can help you completely recover from heartbreak. Each of these books may contribute a step in your learning journey: surviving divorce and becoming a new you, especially when used in collaboration with therapy.

 

1.                 He’s history, you’re not. Erica Manfred

An honest guide to getting through the breakdown of a marriage without it costing you an arm and leg – financially and emotionally. This great book is written from first-hand experience. Recommended for women over 40 years old. hand experience good for women over 40 –especially those left by their partner.

2.                 Crazy time. Abigail Trafford

The break-up of a marriage heralds a year of break down inducing confusion. This book uses real life cases to describe the problems inherent in the marriage and challenges you’ll need to overcome. Recommended for anyone going through divorce.

 

3.                 You can heal your heart. Louise Hay and David Kessler.

Grief and loss experts blend affirmations and mindful observations to enable the reader to explore their soul and situation in order to grow and find solace. Recommended if you feel like you’ve lost hope

 

4.                 Leave cheater gain a life. Tracy Schorn

Tracy Schorn, aka the chump lady, provides a wealth of advice amidst heavy doses of humour, to help avoid rookie mistakes, disarm your fears and bounce back. Recommended if you have just recently been dumped.

 

5.                 Runaway husbands. Vicki Stark

This book explores wife abandonment syndrome, sharing the findings of surveys of 400 women worldwide. If you’ve been abandoned, find the way to turn your loss into an opportunity for empowerment with the information and strategies included in this guide. Recommended for those who have lost long term relationships.

 

6.                 The good divorce. Constance Ahrons.

Whilst any divorce is unlikely to be described as “good”, there are some smart decisions you can make, some myths you should abandon, and activities to plan to help your family heal. This book uses the results of longitudinal research and the wealth of knowledge gained as a therapist to help guide the reader through the divorce process. Recommended for parents exploring divorce.

If you are going through a painful break-up, one piece of advice I can share comes from the words of Winston Churchill, “When you are going through hell, keep going”.

If you would like to regularly read our RED DOOR blogs – on a range of topics from mental health and wellbeing, resilience, relationships, parenting, anxiety, sadness, addiction, and so much more – please like our FB page:  https://www.facebook.com/REDDOORHongKong/

---

Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on adults in the areas of, depression, the experience of divorce, anxiety, perfectionism, career change, loss of direction, burnout, relationship and family challenges, OCD, and parenting special needs children.

Every year there are a significant number of divorces between couples. For example, there are over 20,000 petitions for divorce a year in Hong Kong, over 90,000 in the UK, and over 780,000 in the USA. For those cases involving children produced within the marriage or a long term relationship, parents are usually concerned about the impact a divorce or splitting up may have on their child. As a counsellor helping individuals responding to divorce, I would like to highlight the following guidelines regarding how to best inform children and how to minimize the impact of your divorce on the mental well-being of your child.

How to tell your children about your decision to divorce.

• Tell the child together as a couple rather than separately, if possible. Children often fear that divorce may mean that they will lose a parent. Telling the child together reinforces your intention that both parents remain dedicated to the child.
• Consider telling your child at home rather than outside of the home. Inside their own home children can respond in an authentic and real manner.
• If possible, tell the child in a neutral area of your home such as the lounge or kitchen. Do not tell the child in their bedroom. That room needs to remain an impartial safe zone where they are entitled to retreat.
• Tell your child at a time when the household is quite calm, not just before bed, or after a long day out or when they must yet complete their homework.
• Try to be as calm as you can – explain that the marriage is over, but the family is not. You both remain parents to your child.
• Remind you child that you love them.
• Make sure you reinforce that the divorce is not their fault. Do not assume they will know this automatically.
• Children will undoubtedly have many questions. Answer these as fully as you can. It may be better for you and your partner to discuss, and agree, interim living arrangements, before telling your children.
• If you cannot answer every question when it is asked, communicate that you will intend to answer that question as soon as you can. Some ambiguity is to be expected. At the time that you are informing children of a potential split, your obligation is to help them see that the future will still be positive, and that they are a priority. 
• Do not allow emotionally hurtful descriptions to be presented by one partner. For example “Daddy is leaving us”, can heighten the pain of abandonment. If your partner paints the scenario in this way, simply correct without judgement. For example, “Mummy is a bit confused. We are splitting up and I am going to live somewhere else, but I’m still your Dad and I am not leaving you”
• Offer access to counsellors or support networks to allow your child to express their feelings to other people. Whilst they may have many questions for you, they may not initially feel comfortable asking YOU those questions at the beginning.

Building positive practices whilst the divorce is in progress.

It is not a matter of if your divorce will impact your child, the question is how much it will impact your child. Here are my recommendations as to what you can DO, and DO NOT DO, to best support your child.

• Do understand divorce from the perspective of your child. From their perspective this is a big change so that there may be feelings of grief and fear, and anger, involved. These feelings come in waves rather than all at once. You may have offered counselling at the time when you announced a split. Offer counselling or support options repeatedly over the next year or two.
• Don’t fight in front of your kids. The divorce should be the END of their experience of parents fighting in front of them.
• Collaboratively co-parent – working and agreeing together how to respect, negotiate, organise and stay well boundaried when you split, it a superior model of parenting during a divorce. You may need to utilise a mediator or counsellor to help exercise your arrangements.
• Build an honesty-based, collaborative relationship that resolves conflict, including managing emotions, showing mutual respect, and entering healthy negotiations
• Be the best version of a parent that you can be for your child. Your divorce need to both rise to meet the needs of your child. You might consider reading a few books about parenting during divorce or attend a parenting effectiveness course.
• Remember that a clear structure is important to children. They need to know when they are going to see each parent, and what their weekly schedule might look like. If one of the parents refuses to be transparent about the time that they will turn up for your child, allocate them sometimes and move on. Tell the child of the times that have been offered. If one parent does not turn up, it will hurt the child. Be mindful of this.
• Avoid alienating your child from their other parent. Parental alienation has a serious impact on your child’s relationship with their other parent, so be extremely careful.  There may be deep hurt between the two adults in the relationship, but your child should not be cut off from their parent because of your reaction to this pain. Limiting their access to a parent that they want to see may backfire on you in the long run as children sometimes grow to resent this parent during teen and later years. Do not set yourself up.
• Believe in your child. You may fear losing your child’s love. Perhaps your ex-spouse has gone into “super-parenting” practice. Your kids might love this. After all who wouldn’t? Let them get all the love they can get. Kids know who looks after them in a crisis.
• If one parent wants to play Santa-Dad or Santa-Mum let it happen. Most of this behaviour can not be sustained so utilise these moments. If one parent is being very generous, remind your child to ask for that new computer for school, or to ask them to volunteer to run the school bake stall this year. It will not last, so enjoy it whilst it lasts. 
• Hold the line on positive healthy practices when the child is with you. Agree on a limit for the ipad, bedtime, and guidelines around junk food. That said…..
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. The occasional muffin is not going to kill a child. Have some perspective on when rules could be bent. If rules become habitually bent, then they are no longer rules.
• Keep your ex in check. If your child is constantly late picking up or returning the child keep a record and take this up with them, either one to one, or with a mediator. This data may help you negotiate subsequent changes to childcare arrangements.
• Don’t be fooled by labels. Too many times I have encountered parents who are labelled ‘bad parents’ by their ex, when they are clearly not bad parents. Remember judges have seen these cases countless times, they will ask for proof. Your ex’s opinion of you as a parent is not a fact, or proof. Additionally if your ex tells you that experts say “x,y,z” look this up. I have read some painfully misinformed claims – often cited to frighten, or even bully one partner. Read what experts have to say for yourself. 
• Do not use your child as a messenger between yourself and your ex. They are not part of your interpersonal conflicts, or your avoidance of conflict. 
• Do not ask your child to spy on their parent for you. This is extremely destructive.
• Avoid badmouthing the other parent to your child. Do now harm your child by trying to paint your hurt image of your spouse over their image of their parent. Children often feel that they have to choose sides. Do not encourage this. Over time, applying this pressure, often backfires on the person trying to force the child to choose.
• Research triangulation so that you can avoid it. Triangulation involves including your child in your feelings of hurt, or as a pawn in the negotiations with your ex-partner. When you are hurt you may want to feel like your child is on your side, but using them as a weapon against their parent will cause them emotional pain. I hear this most when parents make comments such as, “Your mother/father has abandoned us” instead of “My marriage is over and this may effect you”.
• Do not guilt or blame your child for the divorce as a means to manage their behavior. “If you could have just gone to bed on time, I would have been less stressed and Dad probably wouldn’t have left us.”
• Be extremely respectful of introducing your child to new partners. You and your ex can write your agreed expectations about introducing your children to new partners into a mediation agreement or separation agreement. Remember any rule you set for your ex-partner also applies to you. Additionally, you may think your new partner is amazing. Remember your child didn’t pick them, so they are not obligated to like them. 

Remember, be kind to yourself, and your kids when you are going through divorce. The process of divorce will undoubtedly reshape you, so make this as positive as possible.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor helping couples navigate relationship re connection or split. Angela is a child psychologist as well and determined to help parents lessen the impact of divorce on their child(ren).

#divorce

#divorceandchildren

#collaborativecoparenting

#reddoor

In an era of (desired) minimalism and the attraction of Marie Kondo, living life with less stuff has been suggested as a route to greater happiness.

Most of us appreciate a goal to reduce clutter in our homes and offices. There is a difference between having too much stuff and being a hoarder, mainly in terms of the types of items collected and not thrown away, as well the emotional ties that people have to various objects.

In this world of face paced consumerism people can buy much more stuff than they could in the past. Many people in the first world may feel burdened by the amount of possessions they have. You may be experiencing the overwhelming phenomena of stuffocation: the experience of stress caused by owning so many items that you don’t know how to use, store, or manage.

 

You might be suffering from stuffocation if you:

1.Regularly misplace items in your home or office

2.You buy items to replace items that you have misplaced or lost in your home

3.Rather than feel joy when you look at all of your possessions, you feel overwhelmed or a sense of dread.

4.You have difficulty moving around rooms in your home because of too much stuff.

5.Your cupboard, draws and cabinets are full to the brim

6. You find it hard to discard of items you now longer regularly use

7. You have to have an external storage unit

8. You’ve read more than 2 books on decluttering and this has not made a significant difference to your decluttering practices

9. You feel embarrassed when people come into your home because of the amount of disorganised stuff.

At this point I need to make a confession – I have experienced 9 out of 9 of those listed above.  I once brought a de-cluttering book to replace the de-cluttering book I had lost in my home. This blog is by me, and for me at the same time.

Part of the reason I believe we struggle to clear clutter is that we tend to address clutter from a practical approach rather than a psychological approach. De-cluttering books provide advice how to sort items and where to recycle items. Whilst this is very helpful, it can leave the feelings we have about things unaddressed.

Its worthwhile to take a moment to explore some of the psychology of stuff, the thoughts we may have and how to overcome this thinking. Essentially we need to understand that objects are NOT just objects, we need to understand our own personal meaning of ‘things’.

 

Fear of running out or not having enough.  If you feel you keep things, anything, cups, dresses, shoes because you may need them if you give them up, or at some point in the future may not have enough of this item ask yourself the following series of questions as a reflection.

Reflection: Did I once have “not enough” and was anxious or fearful of that time? Did I cope with my lack of things then? Can I gain faith that I might be able to get past that moment again? Reflect on these questions. Is it unlikely that you will suddenly become poor in the future and not have enough of the things you are keeping now? What could you do to ensure that you have enough finances to secure your future? Could you train in some small part time job that would give you enough money to buy a new cup, dress, book? The likelihood is yes.

Action: Count how many you have of certain items. Then decide what is a reasonable amount for you to have of that item, in reality. How many pairs of shoes do you really want to have displayed? How many books? Once you have set a cap of how many, start to sort out these items into those you love, versus those you like, and those that have no meaning at all. The last pile is the first for you to discard.

 

Saving for the future use.  Items that you are keeping for a future rainy day need to be considered in a slightly different way. If you’ve changed jobs from a corporate job to one where casual attire is acceptable you may have a wardrobe full of clothes that occupy space, but are not longer in use. Some questions that may help with your thoughts and feelings around these items might include

Reflection: Do I love these items, or am I scared to get rid of them? Could someone else benefit from these items – a person at the beginning of their career? Will I, change my lifestyle again and go back to that lifestyle if I have a choice? If not, can I let ½ of these items go? Can I give myself one small storage box, a draw, something little that I can keep some of these items – just in case, but not the amount of space they have now?

Action: Count up how many of these items fit under this criterion. How much space in your home is dedicated to storing this space? Can you put a value to the cost of the storage space used to save these items. For example, you can use the following comparative assessment of space value provided by Cushman and Wakefield’s annual assessment of costs of offices around the world, we can make a brief calculation of the cost to store such items.

For example, in Hong Kong, the cost of a draw could be calculated to be USD 7.40 per day, that’s USD 2700 a year. Once you put a monetary value to storage, you can potentially force a relative value assessment. If it costs you (virtually) this much to save these clothes (or other items) does this change your perception of their value. Decide on a small storage you are willing to dedicate to maintain these items and prioritise what you love, what you like, from what simply fills space. Recycle those clothes or items that are not your favourites.

 

Feeling out of control, and not willing to let others help.  Do you feel embarrassed about your space? Have others offered to help you, but you reject their offers due to embarrassment? You can use this embarrassment to your advantage. If you feel out of control or ashamed about your stuff these reflections may help.

Reflection: What is the shame of having too much stuff? What do you think it says about you? What do you worry that other people might think of you? Is this true? How do you determine your value in life, how could your space reflect those values? Does having too much stuff fit with your perception and values that you hold for yourself? How can you work towards accepting yourself, with too much stuff, as well as without too much stuff?

Action: Use your embarrassment as a motivator. Tell your friends that you are working on eliminating clutter and would like their support. Define the support you might like. Perhaps you’d rather discuss what you can do with items rather than have physical support. Perhaps you can agree to invite friends over for an “after the clutter” celebration once you have some spaces sorted. Friends who use your clutter and stuffocation to judge you, may need to be told that their assessment of you hurts your feelings and makes it harder for you to start the process, even though you acknowledge that they want to help. Set yourself your deadline. Get going.

 

The joy of shopping and collecting – Sometimes we gain too much stuff because we like the process of acquisition too much. Is it possible you are addicted to buying more things, even when you don’t need them? If so, you might benefit from reading our blog on FOMO as this might be part of the issue. [Whilst there may be pleasure in shopping, and it may not greatly impact your financial situation, acquiring stuff as an activity is worth thinking about.  https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/fomo-read-this-now/

Reflections: What is it about shopping or acquiring items that brings you joy? Is there any other elements in your life, such as creativity or health, that could replace this activity in a more constructive manner? Do you shop to “keep up appearances”, and if so, what does it mean if you cannot achieve this goal? Are you worth less as a person?

 

Action: Each time you want to buy a new item consider the following:

First of all, walk away, do not buy it immediately. Only those items that you continue to remember then become truly considered.

Before you do buy it, shop in your own cupboards to see if you have a similar item already. We often buy items that are remarkably similar to those we have already. Is this really significantly different? Would you consider to move one item OUT of your home in order to move this item IN? As with the processes above conduct some form of opportunity cost analysis before you buy. Is this the best way for me to utilise HKD500?

Ask yourself: Would I get more joy taking a friend out to lunch, or taking a cooking class with a friend instead? When we look at deathbed regrets, it never seems to be mentioned that people need to buy more. What they regret is spending time with people, having experiences, and pursuing their goals.

 

Holding onto precious memories – sometimes we have items from the past, items that remind us of special occasions or people, and we hold onto them. This might include old clothes, books, photos, artwork, and even old tools or jewellery. Compiling precious memories may lead to accidental clutter. Some reflective work that may help.

Reflections: are you keeping items as a way to show people that they are important, or were important? If you lose these items, will those loved ones be less important? In what other ways, besides holding onto items, could you celebrate items from ancestors or loved ones. Perhaps you want to keep special photos of your children, or their artwork. Do you need to keep all of these items to demonstrate your support and love? What other actions could you undertake to show your love for the child featured.

Actions:  Consider ways to store precious items in alternative storage format. For example, take photographs of children’s artworks and building a virtual album. For items from ancestors consider selecting your favourite items and framing them so that they are displayed beautifully. Then you can potentially pass the other items from the collection away. Old jewellery could be redesigned. Old clothes could be made into sentimental pillows.

I hope these reflections and activities help. I intend to give them all a chance and I hope you will too. Try to build a habit to be more mindful of they items you already have, their purpose, and their meaning. Embrace change from a positive angle. Praise yourself for letting go. There is no shame in moving forward and learning to live with less.

#stuffocation #worldrecyclingday #recycling #declutter #mentalhealthessentials #reddoor

#mentalhealth #hoarding #minimalism #mariekondo

Being sad is a normal reaction to difficult challenges in your life. Often the sadness lasts a few days, and then lifts. Sometimes the sadness does not dissipate. Depression is a persistent condition that lasts for more than 2 weeks. Women are more likely to suffer from depression than men.

Some of the symptoms of depression include the following. These signs or symptoms may have lasted more than a couple of weeks.

• Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
• Irritability
• Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
• Excessive fatigue
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
• Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Changes in appetite or weight
• Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
• Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
• Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
• Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
• Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.

.

Depression can interrupt your ability to live a regular life. It can interfere with your ability to work, study, parent, socialise and live a full life.

You can’t just snap out of depression. Depression is caused by the interaction of several internal (thoughts, hormones, diet) and external (stress, expectations) factors. Sometimes we hope that if one can just “focus on being happy” our friends and family will be able to move beyond their depressed state. In addition to your empathetic and persistent friendship, most people who have experienced persistent depression need treatment.

Treatments for depression can include medical and talk therapy. Treatments affect each individual differently. There is no “one-size-fits-all” plan for treatment. It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best.

Medical interventions usually include anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications.

Many clients are hesitant to take these medications because they fear that they will become dependent on these medicines. It is not an easy decision to undertake. Talk to your GP about these medications to see if you can explore some of these fears. If you have tried behavioural and psychological approaches with no success, you might need to consider medications to start kick start your recovery.

How counselling or psychotherapy can help.

Different psychotherapists use different approaches to help resolve the issues that their clients want help with. Here are some of the most common approaches that counsellors and psychologists in Hong Kong use with clients trapped in depression.

CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy . IN CBT the therapists works to explore the relationship between a person’s thoughts, behaviours and feelings. We look at finding patterns in thoughts or behaviours and explore if these patterns help or restrict your development.

Collaboratively the therapist and the client work together to develop constructive ways of thinking and reacting to situations so that alternatives can be found if that would improve your experience. For example with Depression we might discuss the types of thoughts that you have around certain relationships or activities to see if you can challenge or change those patterns of behaviour.

For example, many individuals suffering from depression can see a given situation through a lens which highlights all the catastrophic elements that could occur. Together we would try to figure out where these perceptions of risk originated, and how we could challenge the likelihood of catastrophise occurring.

Psychoanalytic therapy – Originally based on the work of Sigmund Freud, modern psychoanalytic therapy has evolved significantly. Simply put modern psychoanalytic therapy looks at what components of life represent including dreams, free flowing associations, understanding projection of feelings. The goal is to hope patients gain insight as to how their past experiences informs their present behaviour. In regard to treating depression a psychoanalytical counsellor might help explore feelings and thoughts that keep clients trapped inside the depressive state. For example, a person may feel powerless to take charge of practices that they know might help them feel better, but be trapped inside their recurring experience of being abandoned and powerless from their childhood.

DBT – Dialectic behaviour therapy. DBT is abridged from CBT, but focuses more on emotional regulation. Skills such a mindfulness, clear and calm communication and learning to tolerate difficult situations are a focus.

For example, DBT for depression could focus on staying present in today’s goals rather than racing ahead trying to solve tomorrow’s problems. Or when other people disappoint us, learning to tolerate and explore these feelings of upset, and work to clearly communicate our needs to the other party involved.

ACT – Acceptance and Commitment therapy. ACT is another therapy abridged from CBT, but whilst CBT works by helping one identify and change their negative thoughts and behaviours, ACT helps people accept that we can learn to get comfortable with some of discomfort of life. The central tenant of ACT is that the only way out of pain is through. Therefore ACT is sometimes used in situations where a positive outcome may never be possible – e.g. with serious illness. It isn’t just about sitting still. As clients explore situations, they can become less agitated or worried about them. For example, when dealing with clients with depression we can discuss some of the more worrying thoughts that they believe might happen, or happen again for them. We consider what individuals need to move towards, and consider if they can tolerate not moving away from unpleasant thoughts.

Challenging authority, testing limits, exploring intellectual, emotional, geographical and physical boundaries are part of the teen experience.  It is normal for teens to want to expand their world, including engaging in some risk-taking behaviour, we particularly worry that they may fall into the world of drug use, and get stuck there.

Overnight your, previously,  polite happy child may appear transformed into a rebellious, sulking, angry teen. Sometimes these changes are also associated with the development of emotional and behavioural challenges. These problems are not easy to identify, evaluate, and treat.  From my perspective, the practice of counselling or psychological intervention is a combination of science, trained skills, and sometimes, a bit of magic.

Keep an eye on your teen. In general, we are concerned about teenagers who have been experiencing some of the following feelings for a couple of weeks. This is not cast in stone. If you are concerned about your child – take them to a doctor, psychologist or counsellor to help get support for them, and yourself.

Drug use is one of the many concerns parents might have for their teen. In relation to drug use, you can build from the checklist above, and include a few more signs (detailed in the box). Remember nothing is a firmly established pattern. This list is just for indication.

One sign that I would particularly take care to explore is the keep an eye on the peer group of your teenager. You want to be aware of where your teen is going, and with whom. If your teen has a new friend who is not interested to meet you, and your child will not allow you to check in that friends’ parents, you can consider becoming concerned.

We need to balance a desire to control your child. You don’t need to know everything, but it is okay to know each of your child’s friends’ first and last names and have a contact number or email for their parents.

Whilst some risk taking behaviour is normal for teens, exposure to substances is quite likely for international teens in Hong Kong. 

Alcohol consumption is common among teens at international schools in Hong Kong. It is estimated that nearly half the young people in Hong Kong will have consumed alcohol before they are 21(1)  If you spend an evening outside in Lan Kwai Fong, Stanley, Cyberport, outside Festival Walk in Kowloon Tong, and in Wanchai (among many) you will see teens who have been drinking. If you attend big outdoor events such as Cockenflap and the Hong Kong Sevens, you will see that teens in Hong Kong do indeed consume alcohol. Many parents hold a fairly relaxed view of alcohol consumption, but I would claim that it is definitely worth keeping a close eye on your child when you know they drink.

Many parents hold a less accepting view towards drug use. The following substances are some of the drugs that teens in Hong Kong have been known to use.

Most drug use happens in secret. The Narcotics Division of the Security Bureau (1) regularly conducts surveys of school and university level students in Hong Kong checking on tobacco, alcohol and drug use among young people. In a “have you ever” style format measuring if you have consumed over your “lifetime”.

https://www.nd.gov.hk/en/survey_of_drug_use_20-21.html

Their study is subject to a number of methodological tendencies to underrepresent substance use, but its good to have some numbers to talk about at all. According to their lifetime figures 7.4% of under 21-year-olds have consumed tobacco products, 2.5% (17300 students) had consumed drugs and 47.5% have consumed alcohol. Alcohol seems to be the substance of choice for teens.

It’s important that these numbers are underrepresented. Teens do not consider vaping to be the same as using tobacco, but vapes have many of the same health consequences. The survey relies on teens being honest about their substance use, but this is unlikely. Additionally, the survey catches teens at school, not those who have already been exited from the education system, which could leave those teens even more vulnerable to engage in regular or chaotic drug use.

Certain substances are more addictive than others. Certain people are more vulnerable to substances use disorders than others. Whilst no one plans to get hooked on drugs once they have their first vape – no one plans to fall into the gateway of drug use escalation. However, it is important that many people use drugs casually, or use regularly, for a period of time and then stop and don’t use again. Of course, a proportion of those regular users become more chaotic and addicted, and stuck in their use of drugs. Sometimes drug literature divides the world of drug use into non users and addicts. This ignores teens who use, and then stop.

Why do teens use drugs?

Feeling good: Ask any teen using drugs why they use drugs and they will look at you like you have an orange for your head. “They feel GOOD”. When we ignore that drug use feels good, for a while, we address the wrong things in recovery.

All better now:  In addition to feeling good, teens often seem to support the self-mediation theory of drug use. Essentially pain or intolerable feelings (including boredom) can be escaped (temporarily) through the consumption of drugs. When we work with teens about these associations we work on 2 aspects – one to improve their tolerance of the pain or feelings that drive their desire to self-medicate. Additionally, we try to get them to look at the new pain/ feelings that the drugs may have introduced. In my experience of working recovery with teens I notice that teens and young adults often experience anxiety that they believe is being treated by their substance choice, but when we explore the relationship more closely, the substance may be maintaining those negative sensations, or even be the instigator or anxiety or depression. I see this with the use of weed and alcohol in particular.

You the man: There are social status benefits to using drugs. My teens tell me., “Every person in my year is smoking weed”. Why would a teen want to be the one who stands out as uncool or not fit. It. There is a lot of peer pressure to use. If your teen is linked into the supply of drugs there is significant social status being associated with being able to “hook you up”. This is part of the appeal for drugs.

Bulletproof: there is a strong belief among teens that drugs are not such a big deal. “Weed is legal in many states or in Canada” you will be told. “I can stop whenever I want to”. Teens do not believe that drugs are a big deal. As a parent, your attitude to drugs can make a significant difference to your child’s use of drugs. Authoritative parents respond to their children’s needs and hold their children to high standards of behaviour, whilst modelling positive mental health practices, are in a better position to help their children. 

Please understand I am not supporting drug consumption or endorsing it. I am simply acknowledging that it happens and, to teens, they think it makes sense.

What teens need to know.

Where does this leave us as practitioners and parents? If we can manage our reaction to our teens interest in drugs in a calm and non-judgemental way, we can have much more practical conversations around drugs.

There are many, unhelpful, myths about drug use, including that drug users only come from bad homes, or are bad kids. These judgements do not help us to protect our teens or support them in making better choices.

What does help it to talk with your teen about using substances without being too heavy handed. Notice I used the words TALK rather than LECTURE. Try to appreciate that they are trying to do their best, and have probably been offered, and refused substances many times already. Allow them to tell you what drugs they are exposed to without running into solutions mode. Listen.

That said, here are some points and conversations you might like to lead when you are talking about drug use, and choices to try drugs. 

It’s bad: One thing that teens need to know is that substances can cause damage to your ability to learn and to your brain in general.  Neuroscientific research indicates that smoking pot is not inconsequential. Whilst one puff may not cause long term memory loss, regular consumption of alcohol and marijuana can affect memory and focus (2). You may need to be prepared for the arguments about how weed is not as bad as alcohol, if it was dangerous, it wouldn’t be legal and such types of arguments. In reality, many legal medications and substances are not good for us. Your teen may point the finger at your use of alcohol or other substances. Are you prepared to model honesty, and a willingness to consider change in your own habits as part of a transparent conversation with your teen? It is valuable for teens to see us trying to review our decisions, look at improving ourselves, and even modelling our own recovery as a way to help them understand that this is possible.  

Who knows the risk. Teens do not believe that they are at risk of becoming addicted. No addict ever started taking substances with the view to becoming an addict. We need to be aware of the emotional and familial risks that greater the risk of our teens falling prey to addiction rather than being a casual user. It would be valuable for your to discuss any family history of addiction and other mental health issues (impulsivity, depression, anxiety, anger management).

What else could work (better)?: The medication addiction argument suggests that teens wanting to move away from intolerable feelings drives the craving to use. It is important to discuss with your teen the states and situations that they find intolerable. Is there something else they can do when they experience these intolerable situations. A large part of recovery programs is helping teens find those activities that help them better manage their stress, anxiety, isolation, boredom, and sadness.

Liar, liar: Substances lie to us. In his sober living book, Craig Beck, implies that Alcohol lied to him (3) Alcohol told him that it was thing that made him interesting, that made his boredom go away, that alcohol was his refuge from strong feelings. If alcohol lies to you, then weed completely gaslights you!

Like a gaslighting person, substances seem to build a system of beliefs that undermine your ability to break free from the substance. For example, my clients who use weed often use it because they are anxious. When they are able to stop using weed they realise it was the weed that was making them anxious. Weed doesn’t treat mental illness, it maintains anxiety and sometimes even allows other mental issues to take root. But being addicted to a substance is tricky. Our addictions and preferred substances lie to us.

Talking with our teens about drugs is important and necessary. We may not be able to steer our kids to stay in the never use drugs segment of society, but one use, or even casual use, doesn’t brand them as addicts, beyond hope or as bad people. Holding positive regard for our teens, whilst expecting them to be responsible to reach their best, really does help.

_________

_____

References

1 –https://www.nd.gov.hk/en/survey_of_drug_use_20-21.html

2 The teenage brain – Jensen and Nutt

3. Alcohol lied to me.

https://www.amazon.com/Alcohol-Lied-to-Me-New-Edition-audiobook/dp/B00HWHMWNW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1TKXAOCEDF0FP&keywords=alcohol+lied+to+me&qid=1677220520&sprefix=alcohol+lied+t%2Caps%2C1312&sr=8-1