Here is some advice from the trenches – Six of the best books are recommended, from the participants of our surviving divorce therapeutic support group, and myself, as their counsellor.
No book can help you completely recover from heartbreak. Each of these books may contribute a step in your learning journey: surviving divorce and becoming a new you, especially when used in collaboration with therapy.
1.He’s history, you’re not. Erica Manfred
An honest guide to getting through the breakdown of a marriage without it costing you an arm and leg – financially and emotionally. This great book is written from first-hand experience. Recommended for women over 40 years old. hand experience good for women over 40 –especially those left by their partner.
2.Crazy time. Abigail Trafford
The break-up of a marriage heralds a year of break down inducing confusion. This book uses real life cases to describe the problems inherent in the marriage and challenges you’ll need to overcome. Recommended for anyone going through divorce.
3.You can heal your heart. Louise Hay and David Kessler.
Grief and loss experts blend affirmations and mindful observations to enable the reader to explore their soul and situation in order to grow and find solace. Recommended if you feel like you’ve lost hope
4.Leave cheater gain a life. Tracy Schorn
Tracy Schorn, aka the chump lady, provides a wealth of advice amidst heavy doses of humour, to help avoid rookie mistakes, disarm your fears and bounce back. Recommended if you have just recently been dumped.
5.Runaway husbands. Vicki Stark
This book explores wife abandonment syndrome, sharing the findings of surveys of 400 women worldwide. If you’ve been abandoned, find the way to turn your loss into an opportunity for empowerment with the information and strategies included in this guide. Recommended for those who have lost long term relationships.
6.The good divorce. Constance Ahrons.
Whilst any divorce is unlikely to be described as “good”, there are some smart decisions you can make, some myths you should abandon, and activities to plan to help your family heal. This book uses the results of longitudinal research and the wealth of knowledge gained as a therapist to help guide the reader through the divorce process. Recommended for parents exploring divorce.
If you are going through a painful break-up, one piece of advice I can share comes from the words of Winston Churchill, “When you are going through hell, keep going”.
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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on adults in the areas of, depression, the experience of divorce, anxiety, perfectionism, career change, loss of direction, burnout, relationship and family challenges, OCD, and parenting special needs children.
Every year there are a significant number of divorces between couples. For example, there are over 20,000 petitions for divorce a year in Hong Kong, over 90,000 in the UK, and over 780,000 in the USA. For those cases involving children produced within the marriage or a long term relationship, parents are usually concerned about the impact a divorce or splitting up may have on their child. As a counsellor helping individuals responding to divorce, I would like to highlight the following guidelines regarding how to best inform children and how to minimize the impact of your divorce on the mental well-being of your child.
How to tell your children about your decision to divorce.
Tell the child together as a couple rather than separately, if possible. Children often fear that divorce may mean that they will lose a parent. Telling the child together reinforces your intention that both parents remain dedicated to the child.
Consider telling your child at home rather than outside of the home. Inside their own home children can respond in an authentic and real manner.
If possible, tell the child in a neutral area of your home such as the lounge or kitchen. Do not tell the child in their bedroom. That room needs to remain an impartial safe zone where they are entitled to retreat.
Tell your child at a time when the household is quite calm, not just before bed, or after a long day out or when they must yet complete their homework.
Try to be as calm as you can – explain that the marriage is over, but the family is not. You both remain parents to your child.
Remind you child that you love them.
Make sure you reinforce that the divorce is not their fault. Do not assume they will know this automatically.
Children will undoubtedly have many questions. Answer these as fully as you can. It may be better for you and your partner to discuss, and agree, interim living arrangements, before telling your children.
If you cannot answer every question when it is asked, communicate that you will intend to answer that question as soon as you can. Some ambiguity is to be expected. At the time that you are informing children of a potential split, your obligation is to help them see that the future will still be positive, and that they are a priority.
Do not allow emotionally hurtful descriptions to be presented by one partner. For example “Daddy is leaving us”, can heighten the pain of abandonment. If your partner paints the scenario in this way, simply correct without judgement. For example, “Mummy is a bit confused. We are splitting up and I am going to live somewhere else, but I’m still your Dad and I am not leaving you”
Offer access to counsellors or support networks to allow your child to express their feelings to other people. Whilst they may have many questions for you, they may not initially feel comfortable asking YOU those questions at the beginning.
Building positive practices whilst the divorce is in progress.
It is not a matter of if your divorce will impact your child, the question is how much it will impact your child. Here are my recommendations as to what you can DO, and DO NOT DO, to best support your child.
Do understand divorce from the perspective of your child. From their perspective this is a big change so that there may be feelings of grief and fear, and anger, involved. These feelings come in waves rather than all at once. You may have offered counselling at the time when you announced a split. Offer counselling or support options repeatedly over the next year or two.
Don’t fight in front of your kids. The divorce should be the END of their experience of parents fighting in front of them.
Collaboratively co-parent – working and agreeing together how to respect, negotiate, organise and stay well boundaried when you split, it a superior model of parenting during a divorce. You may need to utilise a mediator or counsellor to help exercise your arrangements.
Build an honesty-based, collaborative relationship that resolves conflict, including managing emotions, showing mutual respect, and entering healthy negotiations
Be the best version of a parent that you can be for your child. Your divorce need to both rise to meet the needs of your child. You might consider reading a few books about parenting during divorce or attend a parenting effectiveness course.
Remember that a clear structure is important to children. They need to know when they are going to see each parent, and what their weekly schedule might look like. If one of the parents refuses to be transparent about the time that they will turn up for your child, allocate them sometimes and move on. Tell the child of the times that have been offered. If one parent does not turn up, it will hurt the child. Be mindful of this.
Avoid alienating your child from their other parent. Parental alienation has a serious impact on your child’s relationship with their other parent, so be extremely careful. There may be deep hurt between the two adults in the relationship, but your child should not be cut off from their parent because of your reaction to this pain. Limiting their access to a parent that they want to see may backfire on you in the long run as children sometimes grow to resent this parent during teen and later years. Do not set yourself up.
Believe in your child. You may fear losing your child’s love. Perhaps your ex-spouse has gone into “super-parenting” practice. Your kids might love this. After all who wouldn’t? Let them get all the love they can get. Kids know who looks after them in a crisis.
If one parent wants to play Santa-Dad or Santa-Mum let it happen. Most of this behaviour can not be sustained so utilise these moments. If one parent is being very generous, remind your child to ask for that new computer for school, or to ask them to volunteer to run the school bake stall this year. It will not last, so enjoy it whilst it lasts.
Hold the line on positive healthy practices when the child is with you. Agree on a limit for the ipad, bedtime, and guidelines around junk food. That said…..
Don’t sweat the small stuff. The occasional muffin is not going to kill a child. Have some perspective on when rules could be bent. If rules become habitually bent, then they are no longer rules.
Keep your ex in check. If your child is constantly late picking up or returning the child keep a record and take this up with them, either one to one, or with a mediator. This data may help you negotiate subsequent changes to childcare arrangements.
Don’t be fooled by labels. Too many times I have encountered parents who are labelled ‘bad parents’ by their ex, when they are clearly not bad parents. Remember judges have seen these cases countless times, they will ask for proof. Your ex’s opinion of you as a parent is not a fact, or proof. Additionally if your ex tells you that experts say “x,y,z” look this up. I have read some painfully misinformed claims – often cited to frighten, or even bully one partner. Read what experts have to say for yourself.
Do not use your child as a messenger between yourself and your ex. They are not part of your interpersonal conflicts, or your avoidance of conflict.
Do not ask your child to spy on their parent for you. This is extremely destructive.
Avoid badmouthing the other parent to your child. Do now harm your child by trying to paint your hurt image of your spouse over their image of their parent. Children often feel that they have to choose sides. Do not encourage this. Over time, applying this pressure, often backfires on the person trying to force the child to choose.
Research triangulation so that you can avoid it. Triangulation involves including your child in your feelings of hurt, or as a pawn in the negotiations with your ex-partner. When you are hurt you may want to feel like your child is on your side, but using them as a weapon against their parent will cause them emotional pain. I hear this most when parents make comments such as, “Your mother/father has abandoned us” instead of “My marriage is over and this may effect you”.
Do not guilt or blame your child for the divorce as a means to manage their behavior. “If you could have just gone to bed on time, I would have been less stressed and Dad probably wouldn’t have left us.”
Be extremely respectful of introducing your child to new partners. You and your ex can write your agreed expectations about introducing your children to new partners into a mediation agreement or separation agreement. Remember any rule you set for your ex-partner also applies to you. Additionally, you may think your new partner is amazing. Remember your child didn’t pick them, so they are not obligated to like them.
Remember, be kind to yourself, and your kids when you are going through divorce. The process of divorce will undoubtedly reshape you, so make this as positive as possible.
About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor helping couples navigate relationship re connection or split. Angela is a child psychologist as well and determined to help parents lessen the impact of divorce on their child(ren).
At the beginning of the divorce process it may feel like you’ve signed up to have open heart surgery, under minimal anesthetic, with seemingly no guarantee of a complete recovery. Such is the pain and uncertainty encompassed in the process of divorce. You will need to be brave, resilient, and patient.
Even if you initiated the divorce process, the journey includes traumatic trips, emotional chasm, and the determination to scale mountains. Despite this, many not only survive this crazy time, they go on to live better, happier, and healthier lives.
It’s important to maximise those activities and processes that help you come out of the process with your heart and hopes intact, and the prospect of a brighter future. As a therapist I work with women, and men, individually and within therapy groups, to help them face the challenges of divorce and to co-parent cooperatively. Here is some of the advice I can impart from watching people transverse the bridge from married to divorced, from hurt to healed, and from chaos to calm. While much of the advice I offer here would also be helpful to men, it is written mainly with women in mind.
Recognizing that this is “crazy time”.
Individuals experiencing divorce are sometimes perplexed and surprized by the extent of disassociation they experience during the process – feeling detached from reality and floating between shock and vulnerability. I’ve had a number of clients who come to therapy and tell me how they would, ideally, like their divorce to proceed. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have the divorce we want – no conflict, no sadness, no fighting over kids or finances, everyone acting in a mature manner, with respect for each other? Unfortunately, it doesn’t typically happen this way.
One minute you may feel completely numb, the next filled with rage, worry, fear, then hurt and pain so great you feel your heart may actually break. At the same time, the person that you would normally have shared these intense feelings of vulnerability, was maybe your best friend, has become a stranger to you, perhaps even an enemy. You lose your sense of self, wonder who you are and what you are worth.
This time, feels insane, and typically lasts anywhere from two to five years. Don’t go into the shadows alone. Find yourself some good support and constantly remind yourself that it does not last.
You need support to survive, and even more to thrive.
This is not a time to hide away from the world. It is normally to feel embarrassed. Unfortunately, stories of divorce provide juicy gossip for bystanders and you may live in fear of informing friends (and foes) of your new circumstances. Divorce shaming is a real thing, and you will need to face it with courage.
Whilst this does happen, at the same time divorce also reveals champions to support you, if you let them. Friends, especially those who have experience of the divorce process, are essential support. You will need at least one “been there, done that” girlfriend that you can call when you feel completely lost.
Consider a support group. As a counsellor I run therapeutic support groups for women. I am constantly delighted as to how uplifting, supportive, and reaffirming these groups can be to individuals in time of divorce. If you can join a support group then do, if you can find a therapeutic group (i.e. run with some form of therapeutic agenda), even better. These groups allow for reflection and sadness, but also focus on the key skills that will build your brighter future.
Other members of your household also require support, especially your children. Children are harmed by divorce in a plethora of ways, particularly if there is a lot of parental conflict. My simply recommendation for this blog – give your child the opportunity to go to counselling, not just once. Like you, they will have good days and bad days, offer counselling again and again. If you can, work with a professional to build a personalised gold standard of co-parenting that will support your children. The question is never, “will this divorce effect our child”, but rather “how much will this divorce affect my child, and what can we do to minimise this?”
Have patience with yourself, you may grieve for a while.
Many women want recovery to be fast, and why wouldn’t you? The emotional journey does not end once final papers are signed, although this might bring some temporary relief. Many women report feeling deflated and sad when the divorce is all done.
You may feel tempted to run away from the feelings of discomfort until this is “over”. However, be wary of the pressure your feelings may create. Rushing sensitive negotiations just so they can end faster than you feel you can cope living in emotional discomfort, can be a mistake – take the time you need to get the terms you want.
Grieving can continue, even when the deal is done and you are shipping your kids from your home, to that of your ex, for their turn. Its difficult to repeatedly review the cost of a “broken family”, when the children are sometimes yours, and feel like they are sometimes, not. This is normal, it is sad, be kind to yourself, and your kids. It will get easier.
Time (out) your period of denial
It can be extremely difficult to even acknowledge that your marriage has had a breakdown, let alone understand that it is over. Many individuals fall into a cycles of denial and can stay stuck in that stage for a long time (years). Whilst I advocate for you to be have patience and kindness with yourself, you do need to understand and acknowledge what is happening so that you can best protect yourself in the long run.
I encounter individuals who are hesitant to find out about their legal rights, and will instead of seeking professional advice, will listen to the advice of their ex-partners. You need to learn to advocate for yourself in this situation, and that sometimes requires you to acknowledge that your ex-partner is no longer your best friend or most trusted confidante.
Joining a group can be especially helpful to move you beyond denial. Seeing that other people struggle, but still face up to the difficulties ahead and champion for themselves and their children, will be a great source of inspiration.
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
While many people use another relationship to give them the strength to finally leave a marriage, statistically the odds of that relationship being successful after three years are not favourable. Divorce does come with the opportunity to be “newly single”, and for some is extremely tempting to test the single waters again. Be mindful not to miss some of the valuable self-development opportunities that divorce provides
Others feel they may never trust another again. We lament, “what becomes of the broken hearted?” Divorce provides a valuable opportunity to us to explore, how did I get here? Learning to know and trust yourself again, is an important recovery step to help you thrive.
Build your better tomorrow.
It might take two, three or, even ten years, but you will feel much better in time. I have been counselling women going through divorce for several years, and it is almost always true.
Divorce is unsettling for many because they don’t know how they will survive outside of their marriage. Finding a financial and personal future is important. Even if you have ample alimony to last the rest of your days (and I hope you do), you will still need to think about what you’ve learned about yourself, who you want to be and what do you want in the future. Women who start new careers during the divorce process often come out of divorce better than those who chose not to work again.
Build an new you. List the things you would like to try, that you felt you were not able to explore inside your marriage – perhaps travel to a new country, take up a hobby or class. Start on a journey to a new you.
Learn to like yourself: Make a list of the attributes that you like about yourself. Have your friends contribute. Pull out that list whenever you have moments of self-doubt.
If you lose your way, try something else: If you have trouble seeing beyond today, a counsellor or coach can help to determine and build your strengths and help you to see and realize a different tomorrow.
I hope you find these guidelines helpful. Divorce is hard, and it often gets harder before it gets easier. Be kind to yourself, and remember as the great Gloria Gaynor declared in song, “I will survive”.
Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. She works with families and individuals going through mental health challenges including divorce. Angela has been leading the Iron Fairies, a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce since 2017.
What is RED DOOR? A red door holds several life-enhancing connotations. A red door is the traditional sign of welcome and sanctuary for weary (life) travellers. If you encounter a red door in your dreams it heralds the arrival of new opportunities. In traditional Chinese mythology the red door denotes power, energy and abundance of luck and happiness. In the area of mental health facilities, colour coded doors can denote greater or more restrictive access to the real world, the red door is typically the exit, symbolising completed healing and renewed mental strength
In an era of (desired) minimalism and the attraction of Marie Kondo, living life with less stuff has been suggested as a route to greater happiness.
Most of us appreciate a goal to reduce clutter in our homes and offices. There is a difference between having too much stuff and being a hoarder, mainly in terms of the types of items collected and not thrown away, as well the emotional ties that people have to various objects.
In this world of face paced consumerism people can buy much more stuff than they could in the past. Many people in the first world may feel burdened by the amount of possessions they have. You may be experiencing the overwhelming phenomena of stuffocation: the experience of stress caused by owning so many items that you don’t know how to use, store, or manage.
You might be suffering from stuffocation if you:
1.Regularly misplace items in your home or office
2.You buy items to replace items that you have misplaced or lost in your home
3.Rather than feel joy when you look at all of your possessions, you feel overwhelmed or a sense of dread.
4.You have difficulty moving around rooms in your home because of too much stuff.
5.Your cupboard, draws and cabinets are full to the brim
6. You find it hard to discard of items you now longer regularly use
7. You have to have an external storage unit
8. You’ve read more than 2 books on decluttering and this has not made a significant difference to your decluttering practices
9. You feel embarrassed when people come into your home because of the amount of disorganised stuff.
At this point I need to make a confession – I have experienced 9 out of 9 of those listed above. I once brought a de-cluttering book to replace the de-cluttering book I had lost in my home. This blog is by me, and for me at the same time.
Part of the reason I believe we struggle to clear clutter is that we tend to address clutter from a practical approach rather than a psychological approach. De-cluttering books provide advice how to sort items and where to recycle items. Whilst this is very helpful, it can leave the feelings we have about things unaddressed.
Its worthwhile to take a moment to explore some of the psychology of stuff, the thoughts we may have and how to overcome this thinking. Essentially we need to understand that objects are NOT just objects, we need to understand our own personal meaning of ‘things’.
Fear of running out or not having enough. If you feel you keep things, anything, cups, dresses, shoes because you may need them if you give them up, or at some point in the future may not have enough of this item ask yourself the following series of questions as a reflection.
Reflection: Did I once have “not enough” and was anxious or fearful of that time? Did I cope with my lack of things then? Can I gain faith that I might be able to get past that moment again? Reflect on these questions. Is it unlikely that you will suddenly become poor in the future and not have enough of the things you are keeping now? What could you do to ensure that you have enough finances to secure your future? Could you train in some small part time job that would give you enough money to buy a new cup, dress, book? The likelihood is yes.
Action: Count how many you have of certain items. Then decide what is a reasonable amount for you to have of that item, in reality. How many pairs of shoes do you really want to have displayed? How many books? Once you have set a cap of how many, start to sort out these items into those you love, versus those you like, and those that have no meaning at all. The last pile is the first for you to discard.
Saving for the future use. Items that you are keeping for a future rainy day need to be considered in a slightly different way. If you’ve changed jobs from a corporate job to one where casual attire is acceptable you may have a wardrobe full of clothes that occupy space, but are not longer in use. Some questions that may help with your thoughts and feelings around these items might include
Reflection: Do I love these items, or am I scared to get rid of them? Could someone else benefit from these items – a person at the beginning of their career? Will I, change my lifestyle again and go back to that lifestyle if I have a choice? If not, can I let ½ of these items go? Can I give myself one small storage box, a draw, something little that I can keep some of these items – just in case, but not the amount of space they have now?
Action: Count up how many of these items fit under this criterion. How much space in your home is dedicated to storing this space? Can you put a value to the cost of the storage space used to save these items. For example, you can use the following comparative assessment of space value provided by Cushman and Wakefield’s annual assessment of costs of offices around the world, we can make a brief calculation of the cost to store such items.
For example, in Hong Kong, the cost of a draw could be calculated to be USD 7.40 per day, that’s USD 2700 a year. Once you put a monetary value to storage, you can potentially force a relative value assessment. If it costs you (virtually) this much to save these clothes (or other items) does this change your perception of their value. Decide on a small storage you are willing to dedicate to maintain these items and prioritise what you love, what you like, from what simply fills space. Recycle those clothes or items that are not your favourites.
Feeling out of control, and not willing to let others help. Do you feel embarrassed about your space? Have others offered to help you, but you reject their offers due to embarrassment? You can use this embarrassment to your advantage. If you feel out of control or ashamed about your stuff these reflections may help.
Reflection: What is the shame of having too much stuff? What do you think it says about you? What do you worry that other people might think of you? Is this true? How do you determine your value in life, how could your space reflect those values? Does having too much stuff fit with your perception and values that you hold for yourself? How can you work towards accepting yourself, with too much stuff, as well as without too much stuff?
Action: Use your embarrassment as a motivator. Tell your friends that you are working on eliminating clutter and would like their support. Define the support you might like. Perhaps you’d rather discuss what you can do with items rather than have physical support. Perhaps you can agree to invite friends over for an “after the clutter” celebration once you have some spaces sorted. Friends who use your clutter and stuffocation to judge you, may need to be told that their assessment of you hurts your feelings and makes it harder for you to start the process, even though you acknowledge that they want to help. Set yourself your deadline. Get going.
The joy of shopping and collecting – Sometimes we gain too much stuff because we like the process of acquisition too much. Is it possible you are addicted to buying more things, even when you don’t need them? If so, you might benefit from reading our blog on FOMO as this might be part of the issue. [Whilst there may be pleasure in shopping, and it may not greatly impact your financial situation, acquiring stuff as an activity is worth thinking about. https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/fomo-read-this-now/
Reflections: What is it about shopping or acquiring items that brings you joy? Is there any other elements in your life, such as creativity or health, that could replace this activity in a more constructive manner? Do you shop to “keep up appearances”, and if so, what does it mean if you cannot achieve this goal? Are you worth less as a person?
Action: Each time you want to buy a new item consider the following:
First of all, walk away, do not buy it immediately. Only those items that you continue to remember then become truly considered.
Before you do buy it, shop in your own cupboards to see if you have a similar item already. We often buy items that are remarkably similar to those we have already. Is this really significantly different? Would you consider to move one item OUT of your home in order to move this item IN? As with the processes above conduct some form of opportunity cost analysis before you buy. Is this the best way for me to utilise HKD500?
Ask yourself: Would I get more joy taking a friend out to lunch, or taking a cooking class with a friend instead? When we look at deathbed regrets, it never seems to be mentioned that people need to buy more. What they regret is spending time with people, having experiences, and pursuing their goals.
Holding onto precious memories – sometimes we have items from the past, items that remind us of special occasions or people, and we hold onto them. This might include old clothes, books, photos, artwork, and even old tools or jewellery. Compiling precious memories may lead to accidental clutter. Some reflective work that may help.
Reflections: are you keeping items as a way to show people that they are important, or were important? If you lose these items, will those loved ones be less important? In what other ways, besides holding onto items, could you celebrate items from ancestors or loved ones. Perhaps you want to keep special photos of your children, or their artwork. Do you need to keep all of these items to demonstrate your support and love? What other actions could you undertake to show your love for the child featured.
Actions: Consider ways to store precious items in alternative storage format. For example, take photographs of children’s artworks and building a virtual album. For items from ancestors consider selecting your favourite items and framing them so that they are displayed beautifully. Then you can potentially pass the other items from the collection away. Old jewellery could be redesigned. Old clothes could be made into sentimental pillows.
I hope these reflections and activities help. I intend to give them all a chance and I hope you will too. Try to build a habit to be more mindful of they items you already have, their purpose, and their meaning. Embrace change from a positive angle. Praise yourself for letting go. There is no shame in moving forward and learning to live with less.
Being sad is a normal reaction to difficult challenges in your life. Often the sadness lasts a few days, and then lifts. Sometimes the sadness does not dissipate. Depression is a persistent condition that lasts for more than 2 weeks. Women are more likely to suffer from depression than men.
Some of the symptoms of depression include the following. These signs or symptoms may have lasted more than a couple of weeks.
Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
Irritability
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Excessive fatigue
Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
Changes in appetite or weight
Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.
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Depression can interrupt your ability to live a regular life. It can interfere with your ability to work, study, parent, socialise and live a full life.
You can’t just snap out of depression. Depression is caused by the interaction of several internal (thoughts, hormones, diet) and external (stress, expectations) factors. Sometimes we hope that if one can just “focus on being happy” our friends and family will be able to move beyond their depressed state. In addition to your empathetic and persistent friendship, most people who have experienced persistent depression need treatment.
Treatments for depression can include medical and talk therapy. Treatments affect each individual differently. There is no “one-size-fits-all” plan for treatment. It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best.
Medical interventions usually include anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications.
Many clients are hesitant to take these medications because they fear that they will become dependent on these medicines. It is not an easy decision to undertake. Talk to your GP about these medications to see if you can explore some of these fears. If you have tried behavioural and psychological approaches with no success, you might need to consider medications to start kick start your recovery.
How counselling or psychotherapy can help.
Different psychotherapists use different approaches to help resolve the issues that their clients want help with. Here are some of the most common approaches that counsellors and psychologists in Hong Kong use with clients trapped in depression.
CBT – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy . IN CBT the therapists works to explore the relationship between a person’s thoughts, behaviours and feelings. We look at finding patterns in thoughts or behaviours and explore if these patterns help or restrict your development.
Collaboratively the therapist and the client work together to develop constructive ways of thinking and reacting to situations so that alternatives can be found if that would improve your experience. For example with Depression we might discuss the types of thoughts that you have around certain relationships or activities to see if you can challenge or change those patterns of behaviour.
For example, many individuals suffering from depression can see a given situation through a lens which highlights all the catastrophic elements that could occur. Together we would try to figure out where these perceptions of risk originated, and how we could challenge the likelihood of catastrophise occurring.
Psychoanalytic therapy – Originally based on the work of Sigmund Freud, modern psychoanalytic therapy has evolved significantly. Simply put modern psychoanalytic therapy looks at what components of life represent including dreams, free flowing associations, understanding projection of feelings. The goal is to hope patients gain insight as to how their past experiences informs their present behaviour. In regard to treating depression a psychoanalytical counsellor might help explore feelings and thoughts that keep clients trapped inside the depressive state. For example, a person may feel powerless to take charge of practices that they know might help them feel better, but be trapped inside their recurring experience of being abandoned and powerless from their childhood.
DBT – Dialectic behaviour therapy. DBT is abridged from CBT, but focuses more on emotional regulation. Skills such a mindfulness, clear and calm communication and learning to tolerate difficult situations are a focus.
For example, DBT for depression could focus on staying present in today’s goals rather than racing ahead trying to solve tomorrow’s problems. Or when other people disappoint us, learning to tolerate and explore these feelings of upset, and work to clearly communicate our needs to the other party involved.
ACT – Acceptance and Commitment therapy. ACT is another therapy abridged from CBT, but whilst CBT works by helping one identify and change their negative thoughts and behaviours, ACT helps people accept that we can learn to get comfortable with some of discomfort of life. The central tenant of ACT is that the only way out of pain is through. Therefore ACT is sometimes used in situations where a positive outcome may never be possible – e.g. with serious illness. It isn’t just about sitting still. As clients explore situations, they can become less agitated or worried about them. For example, when dealing with clients with depression we can discuss some of the more worrying thoughts that they believe might happen, or happen again for them. We consider what individuals need to move towards, and consider if they can tolerate not moving away from unpleasant thoughts.
Challenging authority, testing limits, exploring intellectual, emotional, geographical and physical boundaries are part of the teen experience. It is normal for teens to want to expand their world, including engaging in some risk-taking behaviour, we particularly worry that they may fall into the world of drug use, and get stuck there.
Overnight your, previously, polite happy child may appear transformed into a rebellious, sulking, angry teen. Sometimes these changes are also associated with the development of emotional and behavioural challenges. These problems are not easy to identify, evaluate, and treat. From my perspective, the practice of counselling or psychological intervention is a combination of science, trained skills, and sometimes, a bit of magic.
Keep an eye on your teen. In general, we are concerned about teenagers who have been experiencing some of the following feelings for a couple of weeks. This is not cast in stone. If you are concerned about your child – take them to a doctor, psychologist or counsellor to help get support for them, and yourself.
Drug use is one of the many concerns parents might have for their teen. In relation to drug use, you can build from the checklist above, and include a few more signs (detailed in the box). Remember nothing is a firmly established pattern. This list is just for indication.
One sign that I would particularly take care to explore is the keep an eye on the peer group of your teenager. You want to be aware of where your teen is going, and with whom. If your teen has a new friend who is not interested to meet you, and your child will not allow you to check in that friends’ parents, you can consider becoming concerned.
We need to balance a desire to control your child. You don’t need to know everything, but it is okay to know each of your child’s friends’ first and last names and have a contact number or email for their parents.
Whilst some risk taking behaviour is normal for teens, exposure to substances is quite likely for international teens in Hong Kong.
Alcohol consumption is common among teens at international schools in Hong Kong. It is estimated that nearly half the young people in Hong Kong will have consumed alcohol before they are 21(1) If you spend an evening outside in Lan Kwai Fong, Stanley, Cyberport, outside Festival Walk in Kowloon Tong, and in Wanchai (among many) you will see teens who have been drinking. If you attend big outdoor events such as Cockenflap and the Hong Kong Sevens, you will see that teens in Hong Kong do indeed consume alcohol. Many parents hold a fairly relaxed view of alcohol consumption, but I would claim that it is definitely worth keeping a close eye on your child when you know they drink.
Many parents hold a less accepting view towards drug use. The following substances are some of the drugs that teens in Hong Kong have been known to use.
Most drug use happens in secret. The Narcotics Division of the Security Bureau (1) regularly conducts surveys of school and university level students in Hong Kong checking on tobacco, alcohol and drug use among young people. In a “have you ever” style format measuring if you have consumed over your “lifetime”.
Their study is subject to a number of methodological tendencies to underrepresent substance use, but its good to have some numbers to talk about at all. According to their lifetime figures 7.4% of under 21-year-olds have consumed tobacco products, 2.5% (17300 students) had consumed drugs and 47.5% have consumed alcohol. Alcohol seems to be the substance of choice for teens.
It’s important that these numbers are underrepresented. Teens do not consider vaping to be the same as using tobacco, but vapes have many of the same health consequences. The survey relies on teens being honest about their substance use, but this is unlikely. Additionally, the survey catches teens at school, not those who have already been exited from the education system, which could leave those teens even more vulnerable to engage in regular or chaotic drug use.
Certain substances are more addictive than others. Certain people are more vulnerable to substances use disorders than others. Whilst no one plans to get hooked on drugs once they have their first vape – no one plans to fall into the gateway of drug use escalation. However, it is important that many people use drugs casually, or use regularly, for a period of time and then stop and don’t use again. Of course, a proportion of those regular users become more chaotic and addicted, and stuck in their use of drugs. Sometimes drug literature divides the world of drug use into non users and addicts. This ignores teens who use, and then stop.
Why do teens use drugs?
Feeling good: Ask any teen using drugs why they use drugs and they will look at you like you have an orange for your head. “They feel GOOD”. When we ignore that drug use feels good, for a while, we address the wrong things in recovery.
All better now: In addition to feeling good, teens often seem to support the self-mediation theory of drug use. Essentially pain or intolerable feelings (including boredom) can be escaped (temporarily) through the consumption of drugs. When we work with teens about these associations we work on 2 aspects – one to improve their tolerance of the pain or feelings that drive their desire to self-medicate. Additionally, we try to get them to look at the new pain/ feelings that the drugs may have introduced. In my experience of working recovery with teens I notice that teens and young adults often experience anxiety that they believe is being treated by their substance choice, but when we explore the relationship more closely, the substance may be maintaining those negative sensations, or even be the instigator or anxiety or depression. I see this with the use of weed and alcohol in particular.
You the man: There are social status benefits to using drugs. My teens tell me., “Every person in my year is smoking weed”. Why would a teen want to be the one who stands out as uncool or not fit. It. There is a lot of peer pressure to use. If your teen is linked into the supply of drugs there is significant social status being associated with being able to “hook you up”. This is part of the appeal for drugs.
Bulletproof: there is a strong belief among teens that drugs are not such a big deal. “Weed is legal in many states or in Canada” you will be told. “I can stop whenever I want to”. Teens do not believe that drugs are a big deal. As a parent, your attitude to drugs can make a significant difference to your child’s use of drugs. Authoritative parents respond to their children’s needs and hold their children to high standards of behaviour, whilst modelling positive mental health practices, are in a better position to help their children.
Please understand I am not supporting drug consumption or endorsing it. I am simply acknowledging that it happens and, to teens, they think it makes sense.
What teens need to know.
Where does this leave us as practitioners and parents? If we can manage our reaction to our teens interest in drugs in a calm and non-judgemental way, we can have much more practical conversations around drugs.
There are many, unhelpful, myths about drug use, including that drug users only come from bad homes, or are bad kids. These judgements do not help us to protect our teens or support them in making better choices.
What does help it to talk with your teen about using substances without being too heavy handed. Notice I used the words TALK rather than LECTURE. Try to appreciate that they are trying to do their best, and have probably been offered, and refused substances many times already. Allow them to tell you what drugs they are exposed to without running into solutions mode. Listen.
That said, here are some points and conversations you might like to lead when you are talking about drug use, and choices to try drugs.
It’s bad: One thing that teens need to know is that substances can cause damage to your ability to learn and to your brain in general. Neuroscientific research indicates that smoking pot is not inconsequential. Whilst one puff may not cause long term memory loss, regular consumption of alcohol and marijuana can affect memory and focus (2). You may need to be prepared for the arguments about how weed is not as bad as alcohol, if it was dangerous, it wouldn’t be legal and such types of arguments. In reality, many legal medications and substances are not good for us. Your teen may point the finger at your use of alcohol or other substances. Are you prepared to model honesty, and a willingness to consider change in your own habits as part of a transparent conversation with your teen? It is valuable for teens to see us trying to review our decisions, look at improving ourselves, and even modelling our own recovery as a way to help them understand that this is possible.
Who knows the risk. Teens do not believe that they are at risk of becoming addicted. No addict ever started taking substances with the view to becoming an addict. We need to be aware of the emotional and familial risks that greater the risk of our teens falling prey to addiction rather than being a casual user. It would be valuable for your to discuss any family history of addiction and other mental health issues (impulsivity, depression, anxiety, anger management).
What else could work (better)?: The medication addiction argument suggests that teens wanting to move away from intolerable feelings drives the craving to use. It is important to discuss with your teen the states and situations that they find intolerable. Is there something else they can do when they experience these intolerable situations. A large part of recovery programs is helping teens find those activities that help them better manage their stress, anxiety, isolation, boredom, and sadness.
Liar, liar: Substances lie to us. In his sober living book, Craig Beck, implies that Alcohol lied to him (3) Alcohol told him that it was thing that made him interesting, that made his boredom go away, that alcohol was his refuge from strong feelings. If alcohol lies to you, then weed completely gaslights you!
Like a gaslighting person, substances seem to build a system of beliefs that undermine your ability to break free from the substance. For example, my clients who use weed often use it because they are anxious. When they are able to stop using weed they realise it was the weed that was making them anxious. Weed doesn’t treat mental illness, it maintains anxiety and sometimes even allows other mental issues to take root. But being addicted to a substance is tricky. Our addictions and preferred substances lie to us.
Talking with our teens about drugs is important and necessary. We may not be able to steer our kids to stay in the never use drugs segment of society, but one use, or even casual use, doesn’t brand them as addicts, beyond hope or as bad people. Holding positive regard for our teens, whilst expecting them to be responsible to reach their best, really does help.
Practicing gratitude will help develop a more positive mindset which will help be more practiced in seeking the pleasing elements of your life, leading to a greater sense of satisfaction in general.
Practicing gratitude regularly, either through journaling or keeping a gratitude jar, helps to develop the habit of gratitude. When we practice gratitude regularly, we start to mentally contrast negative news stories and voices around us, looking for the positive element rather than amplifying the negative.
Practicing gratitude is associated with a stronger immune system, as well as more positive emotions and happiness. Its easy to be grateful over the big things, a bonus, the birth of a child, and a promotion.
The real benefit for individuals in practicing gratitude over the smaller things – a sunny day, a successful cake, a kind gesture from a friend, technology that works without trouble. That is where the magic happens. Practicing gratitude helps us to build a bank of positive elements in our lives to review when we feel like we have nothing positive to live for, or be happy about.
Consider the following exercise – the gratitude jar.
I particularly like this exercise because both adults and children can use it Take a jar and label it your gratitude jar. If you have children, you might like to decorate this jar with stickers and plastic gemstones. Once the jar is “complete” you can start to fill it with daily comments of things that you are grateful for. In moments of despair, or even as a weekly mental retreat, take out all of the notes and remember the things you have to be grateful for, and the darkness or negativity can be pushed aside.
The term self-esteem is a broad construct. When we explore a person’s self-esteem we measure, in general the positive regard that they hold for themselves, including the acceptance of one’s weaknesses, one’s strengths and a perception of your equality to others.
Individuals that have positive, not over inflated, self-esteem are more compassionate to others, able to forgive their own mistakes, hold themselves more accountable, and set realistic goals. External circumstances do not define their value. In general, they know what they are worth.
In counselling when we see a person with poor self-esteem, we have a lot of work ahead of us. We need to determine the genesis of our client’s self-esteem before we work on creating a customised intervention to improve their self-esteem.
The creation of your self-esteem can be shaped by your thinking style, the messages you received as a child from your family, your current acceptance of how you look, achievements and disappointments in your life, messages received from friends and within romantic relationships, the information that you feed yourself on a daily basis (eg social media) and the challenges that you have been tasked to overcome so far in your life. . Helping clients identify the drivers of their self-concept is interesting, and complex work.
Take a moment to consider your self-esteem. How would you rate your current self-esteem? Positive? Weak? Inflated? You can consider an online assessment to gain a snapshot of your self-esteem. A simple assessment can be gained via the following link from the anxiety centre website. Take the test. How did you do?
If your self esteem was positive, well done. You can read on to ensure that you maintain a robust, reflective self- esteem. If the assessment indicated that your self-esteem was weak, could you consider the following reflections and exercises to help you rebuild a positive self- esteem.
The genesis of our self-esteem.
Think about how you were raised, how your family spoke to you, or treated you as a child. Did you feel accepted? Did you readily receive love from your parents? Do you feel you had to perform tasks, or hide parts of yourself, in order for you to feel accepted by your parents? Was your home as safe place for your, or rather a source of fear or chaos? All of those elements will influence the value you give yourself. It is not surprising that children who believe they needed to perform extremely well in tests at school encounter emotional difficulty accepting career development setbacks as adults. These individual’s “value” is attached to achievement rather than self-acceptance.
The teen years seem to have a strong impact on that adult’s later self-esteem. Success in friendships can help bolster ones’ self-concept. The experience of bullying, teasing or exclusion seem to leave long term scars on ones’ perception of self-worth. “How can I be valuable as a person, if people chose to treat me so badly?”. When our teens encounter such experiences, it is extremely valuable to help them talk out such experiences, potentially with a counsellor if you lack the confidence to manage this empathetically.
An interesting source of nutrients, and toxins, to our self-esteem is the consumption of social media. If one explores the values endorsed by Instagram, women are exposed to a plethora of contradictory positions – have a juicy ass and no butt at all; in order to be valued you should have a boyfriend; but be also be completely ok being single, you should be confident and willing to speak up, but be polite and make people comfortable; be ambitious about your career but also be willing to prioritise the need for rest and time out. Perfection on the internet is not only impossible, it’s insane.
A large component of your self-esteem is attached to how you process the world, and if you are strongly influenced by thinking filters.
How your thoughts influence your self-esteem
It is possible to change your thoughts. A famous psychologist, Albert Ellis, identified a plethora of irrational beliefs that we develop as part of the way we are raised, see the world, and believe in ourselves and other people. These beliefs are like a pair of glasses, which can interfere with the way that we see situations. When we see a situation though faulty filters the result can be self-hatred and diminished self-worth
You can help yourself and remove your faulty filters by creating a constructive dispute with yourself, or even have a counsellor lead this discussion for you. The dialogue will depend on the filters that you use most frequently. Experiencing faulty filters is quite common, if you discover you have been experiencing faulty filters, you can change the view.
Black-and-white-thinking.
This type of thinking occurs when you look at situations in a polarized way – situations, people, activities are either good or bad, nothing in between. Most situations are neither complete disaster or beyond fantastic, often situation have both good and bad aspects. Most people have some attributes that you find challenging, but this doesn’t make these people totally bad or good.
Black and white thinking. When people wear black-and-white-thinking filters they can respond in an inflexible way to challenges – “I didn’t get an A in that test and now my future is ruined “or “I submitted that assignment but I made an error in the first paragraph so the whole article is now rubbish”.
In particular people who have black-and-white-thinking in relation to people find themselves being particularly judgmental towards themselves – seeing themselves as either a winner or a loser in a situation. This can erode their resilience. Every setback can become a tragedy, rather than a minor bump in the road of life.
Shoulding or Musting expectations.
It is irrational to believe that most things are absolutely necessary. Believing that acts should be performed in a particular way, at a specific time, or in an exact order, creates a tyranny of should – a condition where you live life dictated by a list of thoughts which are not really rational.
Whilst everyone has lots of things that they should (or could) be doing, some beliefs are irrational in their detail and in their believed consequences. For example, if everything needs to be perfect, this creates a lot of pressure on a person to perform a task to a (sometimes) unrealistic standard. Believing that you need to be the perfect student, parent, worker, lover, or be in control of all events in your life, be slim and attractive at all times, always be interesting, always have a friction free family – is unrealistic and unrelenting on your self-esteem.
You may start to doubt yourself: feeling like a failure because you can not maintain your own (self-imposed) impossible standards,
You may lose the confidence to start new tasks (procrastination) – too frozen in fear to start a project without already being an expert, or knowing you will be perfect at it.
Jumping to negative conclusions.
We all have the tendency to occasionally jump to conclusions and this may influence our self-esteem. We may assume that someone deliberately performed an activity that hurt our feelings, or event assume and intent to their inaction (e.g. they don’t like me). In these situations, limited information or evidence can be used to support negative conclusions. This may be the case when we fail to get success at work, thinking that others are not supportive, when they are sometimes just too busy or not focused on our priority.
This type of faulty filter can lead to inaccuracies regarding our perception of people and situations. If we attribute our self-worth to the perceived view that we believe that others hold of us, our self-esteem can be impacted.
Overgeneralizing.
Overgeneralizing is a special type of jumping to thinking that involves jumping to conclusions – both negative and positive. Overgeneralizing is often reflected in our language choices – we use extreme frequency terms to describe behaviours – “they ALWAYS forget”, “Things NEVER go right for me in love relationships, EVERYBODY is happy except for me”. “Now that I am separated, ALL my married friends won’t want to see me”. Occasionally we may even do this after a single instance – one rejection letter leading to the assumption “I will never get a job”.
This type of faulty filter can impact our self-worth, especially if we attribute our perception of self to the beliefs, real or otherwise, we believe others have of us.
Personalising.
When we personalise we feel responsible for events or situations that are not our fault, or we assume that those events are our fault. It can lead to us feeling offended when it isn’t necessary. If a friend ignores your text may not mean that you’ve offended them, instead it may mean they are busy. They may not be trying to offend us, or even be having an emotional reaction to something we have done.
Personalization can be a symptom of co-dependency in relationships. I once had a grumpy boss, and many of us who reported to him walked around on eggshells, torturing ourselves over what we had done wrong to upset him. Rather than wasting valuable energy on this worry, it might have been more constructive to let him have his time being grumpy (after all his emotions are his responsibility) and get on with the work that needed to be done.
If you have performed an act, either selfishly or unwittingly, where another person was hurt. You can take responsibility for your role in a situation, and apologize or try to make amends, but leave it to that situation. Whilst we can take responsibility for our own behaviour and thoughts, we do not need to take responsibility for the choices of others. Our own behaviour determines our worth, not the emotional responses of others.
Filtering
People with poor self-esteem often filter information in a way that maintains their poor self-esteem. Imagine you are in a group of people and each is providing feedback on your work. Nine of the 10 people say you did a wonderful job. One person says they thought your contribution wasn’t as good as they needed from you on that occasion. Which do you remember – the 9 positive remarks, or the one negative. That is filtering.
Filtering becomes a threat to our self -esteem if you use this faulty thinking style frequently. In the era of the internet where people can feel more willing to troll other people and say horrible things online, selecting what you choose to believe and reinforce as regards your sense of self, is extremely important. This is especially true for teens who use internet vehicles to test reactions to their world views – and perhaps do not yet have the resilience to rebuff negative feedback.
Comparing
Comparing is such an influential thinking filter on our self-esteem that I have included a full blog on this topic.
It is common to consider our own attractiveness, status, success, and personal worth relative to others. Comparing oneself constantly can become quite negative, especially when we assume elements about the other person and ourselves. For example, thinking a person who gets a better pay rise than you is an overall better person than you is not only unrealistic, it is unproductive.
Labelling.
We all make mistakes or act foolishly sometimes. When we label ourselves, rather than placing the label onto our behaviour, we diminish our self-worth. For example, if you made a mistake on a report you could say, “I made a mistake”, or you could label “I’m so stupid”. The latter response does nothing for your self-esteem. Acknowledge mistakes and bad choices as part of life, that can be forgiven.
It is also illogical to label others, on the basis of one inference or observation. One fight with a colleague does not make her a “bitch”. When we label others, we not only diminish them, we provide rationalization for further retaliation, “its okay to do xyz, because she is a bitch”. This is clearly not rational, and can often become prejudicial. Believing in these labels can erode our self-worth, as well as our regard for other people.
In counselling we work to help our clients capture, explore and refute these thoughts. When we start to let go of these thought patterns it is likely we will be able to release ourselves from negative self-talk that impacts our self-esteem.
In the attached blog I provide advice how you can change the channel on some of these thought patterns. Please consider to engage in these reflections and exercises.
If you feelings of low self-worth persist please consider to work with a mental health professional such as you will find at RED DOOR. #selfesteem #catastrophising #commonthinkingerrors #faultythinking #blackandwhitethinking #comparison
In the English language, we use the term Groundhog Day to describe a situation in which events that have happened before happen again, in what seems to be, exactly the same way. Repeating, without end. For some people, every day in their romantic relationship can feel like Groundhog Day.
Most couples fight. Especially when they are tired or stressed. Couples may find that they have the same arguments repeatedly. These cycles can be broken by exploring the types of problems involved, the conflict cycles of the partnership, aspects within the communication styles of the couple, and activities that build positive regard within the couple. It’s not easy to stop the pattern, but it is possible.
This article explores the types of problems couples have the how they can overcome their cycle of conflict. Other articles on other aspects that can help your help are embedded at the end.
The Problem itself. Different problems are more difficult to fight about.
You need to spend some time stepping back from your relationship so that you can ascertain what kind of problems you are fighting about and if these problems really can be solved, or rather require more interpersonal respect and understanding, and even appreciation, of your differences in opinion.
When thinking about the types of arguments that you have in your relationship it is helpful to consider if the problem is solvable or perpetual.
“Solvable problems’ are those problems that usually attached to specific situations, for example household chores, timings around events, selecting a restaurant. ‘Solvable problems’ are different from “perpetual problems’ because a solution can be found and maintained and there is not a deeper meaning behind each of the partners’ positions on the problem
All couples have ‘perpetual problems’. These problems are due to more fundamental differences in beliefs or personalities between the members of a relationship. These may be the same issues as some couples may experience as solvable problems, but they are not solvable in your couple relationship. Rather you are likely to return to them again and again. If you feel like you are “spinning your wheels” on a particular problem, it may not just be perpetual, it may also be gridlocked.
The issue many couples struggle with is that perpetual problems are unsolvable. Instead of looking for a solution you may need to explore what is driving you to hold your own position so strongly. Often perpetual issues are about really about differences in beliefs and/or personalities within the relationship, not the topic being discussed.
Cyclical patterns in conflict communications
If you are having the same argument repeatedly, always ending in the same outcome, regardless of the number of times you have tried to tackle the issues, you are quite possibly utilizing a negative cycle of conflict communication.
You can identify your type of cycle by filling in the gaps when you ask yourselves, “When we talk about challenging topics, the more I _______, the more you _____”. When performing this evaluation, don’t project your feelings onto your partner. Don’t mindread what your partner is thinking, or why they do what they do. This is rarely, if not never, helpful.
The following three types of conflict cycles are often experienced by couples.
Who is the “bad guy”?
In this model of conflict each of the partners tries to highlight the faults of their partner, in a “You’re the problem, You are at fault” style of communication. This practice usually insights strong reaction in both relationship members, and as accusations fly back and forth, the degree of antagonism escalates.
Each partner is desperate to be “right” and the relationship suffers. If this describes your conflict style, please recognize that if you win not only does your partner loose, the relationship loses. To completely break this cycle of contempt and criticism each partner needs to feel safe to express their vulnerability as part of the fix for the relationship.
Pursue and Withdraw communications
One of the most common patterns of communication in relationships, both heterosexual and same sex, is the pursue and withdraw cycle.
In this cycle one partner tries to raise a concern as they search for closeness in the relationship. Their intention is often to broach a perceived distance in the relationship. Unfortunately they berate, accuse, villainize, blame or lecture their partner rather than create a safe, soft space to discuss the issue.
In response, the other partner, starts to pull away and clam up – i.e. withdraw. They may be anxious and are keen to fix the situation but instead of talking they go silent, leave or shut down.
The more the pursuer moves forward, the more the withdrawer moves away. This leaves both parties feeling unsatisfied. This cycle benefits from outside help, particularly in the form of couples counselling. In a safe environment both parties are encouraged to understand and acknowledge their roles and be willing to share vulnerability to discuss their feelings and desires.
Avoid-Avoid style communications
This is the rarest couple we see in counselling, but the one who most needs couples counselling.
In this model both parties in a relationship avoid conflict. Neither partner is looking to reconnect with their partner. They don’t fight, they simply withdraw and ignore any points of conflict in the hope that it will go away on its own. Unfortunately, this is destructive to the relationship.
Sometimes people are proud, and will even brag, that they never fight. By avoiding expressing themselves mean that both of the partners are checked out and at risk of becoming detached.
Counselling needs to be considered in a safe non-judgmental environment so that potential conflicts can be properly brought to light, feelings and desires explored and validated.
If you are in this model of conflict communications, I would recommend that you use the conjoint couple’s model where there are two counsellors to two clients. This model more actively supports each individual in the relationship. You can read more in the paragraph below.
Do you want to break these cycles in your relationship. First of all observe the pattern. Below we have two other articles on how to communicate and build more positive regard, plus an article detailing great books to improve your relationship on your own. At some point in time, you might like to consider couples counselling. I have included some information on our conjoint couples therapy approach that is available at RED DOOR. We have 4 couple counsellors at RED DOOR waiting to help you break the cycle after other recommended readings blow.
About the author: Angela Watkins is an experienced couples counsellor and counsellor of individuals in Hong Kong. To contact Angela for information or counselling email angelaw@Reddoor.hk
The advantage of Conjoint therapy in Couples Counselling.
One of the models we use at RED DOOR.
At RED DOOR we use the conjoint couples therapy approach. In Conjoint therapy two therapists work with the couple during couples’ sessions and then one counsellor will meet with you for any one-on-one sessions.
This is an advanced method of couples therapy.
Since there are two therapists in the room there is less chance of either of the partners feeling blamed, or favoured. If you have felt that any previous couple therapist sided with you, or your partner, you will appreciate the objectivity and inclusion that this model supplies.
There are a number of therapeutic options available in the conjoint model including pairing vs individual counsellors , role play and modelling of problems and techniques, as well as break-out sessions within couples sessions (which is helpful if one client becomes flooded, or some negotiations are required) .
This model also keeps the therapist moving sessions forward constructively. Often if sessions become heated much of a therapist’s attention is moved towards “traffic control”. Traffic control whilst necessary, is not the goal of therapy. Therapy is to help blockages in communication and find the right tools and skills to help remedy the problems. Having a second therapist on hand helps keep the therapeutic goal on track.
In conjoint-couples therapy you each have someone who understands each of your perspectives in the room. The team of counsellors work with you, and together to formulate a plan to understand and overcome the challenges in your relationship. At RED DOOR, we use a Gottman informed approach, but will also include emotionally focused therapy, CBT and narrative therapy tools.
Because two therapists are involved there are cost implications. At RED DOOR we try to manage this by asking each of the therapist to reduce their standard fee for the sessions. ON some occasions, when we have a suitable counsellor-in-training, we can offer a significant discount.
Gaslighting is the psychological manipulation of one person over another over an extended period of time. The “gaslighter” tries create circumstances that can make the “gaslightee” question the validity of their personal thoughts, perceptions of reality, or memories. Gaslightees are left confused, losing confidence, and start to lose their sense of agency in the relationship. Over time the gaslightee becomes more and more uncertain of themselves and develops greater dependency on the perpetrator.
Gaslighting happens when someone manipulates you into thinking your perspective or account of an experience is different than the way you said it happened, for the purpose of undermining your position in the relationship. There are a number of techniques that gaslighters use to create these circumstances.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and mental manipulation that may leave one questioning their perception of reality. If you have been gaslight repeatedly you may will feel you are wrong in almost all arguments. Gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships — it can happen with your family, your friends, your colleagues and, even, your boss. There is also research on institutional gaslighting, particularly when people report misconduct.
Gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships — it can happen with your family, your friends, your colleagues and, even, your boss. There is also research on institutional gaslighting, particularly when people report misconduct.
Who becomes a gaslighter?
Sometimes gaslighters are aware of what they are doing. Many are not aware. They are threatened by lack of control, protecting their ego, or just wanting to maintain the upper hand in a relationship. Because of their anxiety and fears, they may not have explored the reason for their behaviour. Regardless if they are motivated by malevolence or angst, it is not a healthy behaviour.
You will often see the term gaslighting used in association with another term – narcissism.
Narcissism is a personality trait that people occasionally display. It involves expressing a grandiose sense of self-importance, obsession with power and success, a sense of entitlement, and a constant need for praise and attention. Narcissists lack empathy and are often quick tempered. As such they frequently use manipulative techniques, such as gaslighting, to take advantage of others. Whilst not all people who gaslight are narcissists, narcissists almost always use gaslighting as one of their tools to control people in their lives.
Gaslighters sometimes meet the criterial for narcissistic personality disorder or other personality disorders where control of others is a key component (Such as antisocial personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder)
What Gaslighters have in common is that they demand loyalty (and punish disloyalty), are emotionally sensitive, wear people down over time, misrepresent themselves often (lie), and refuse personal responsibility. If you have started a relationship with a Narcissist there will be a few red flags you may watch out for including possessiveness by your new partner, love bombing, talking only about themselves, rushing into a more “committed relationship”, a history of cheating, and lack of respect for your personal boundaries.
Who is vulnerable of becoming a gaslightee?
Individuals who are people pleasers, are overly empathetic, are conflict avoidant, seeking approval of others instead of relying on their own self-confidence, and generally have self-doubt are more likely to be the victims of gaslighting. If these traits describe you, you may need to work on yourself through self-help programmes, counselling groups or individual counselling in order to build better boundaries and protect your mental health. Much of the time, the victims of gaslighting are women.
How does gaslighting wear one down?
Gaslighting exploits any existing self-doubt about your capabilities as well as past trauma and experiences. You may start to feel that you are too compromised od “damaged” in order to be able to see reality clearly.
Gaslighting exhausts a victim’s internal resources so they you develop a sense of learned helplessness and regularly question your thoughts and actions. .
Gaslighting depletes individuals of a stable sense of self-worth. You lose sight of your sense of agency in the world.
Gaslighting manufactures insecurities and fears that never existed, some of these fears and worries are not real, rather they were planted by the gaslighter.
Gaslighting causes the survivor to, pointlessly, investigate whether he or she has done something wrong, looking for evidence to support their view, or refute that of the gaslighter. The gaslighter will negate or ignore any results and often become angry at the action of being investigation at all.
Gaslighting sets up survivors to fail no matter what they do.
Gaslighting creates a fear of retaliation for victims speaking out, because each time a gaslightee tries to assert themselves, there is criticism and punishment.
The long-term impact on your mental health of being gaslight.
People who are exposed to long term gaslighting are likely to experience problematic degrees of anxiety and depression, stress (even trauma).
They may have become completely isolated from the people who would normally help them reality check their circumstances.
They will have a week sense of identity, have become trained to become easily overwhelmed, and be full of self-doubt.
They often start to gaslight themselves -internalised gaslighting – preventing them from being able to assess situations appropriately.
These are many of the same long term mental health symptoms of emotional abuse.
Gaslighters use a plethora of tools to challenge the reality of people they wish to control.
Projection – instead of accepting responsibility for their bad behaviour, a gaslighter might accuse the gaslightee of the exact behaviour they have been accused of. For example, “Stop thinking that I would hook up with that girl, you are just saying this to cover up the fact that you’ve been cheating on me”
Side stepping or “what-about-ism” – the gaslighter will actively dodge the evidence that highlights their poor behaviour, and may even throw you off the discussion by introducing an erroneous wrongful act as a counter-point. For example, “How dare you suggest that I lied about where I was, its not like you care about me. You didn’t even make me a cup of coffee this morning!”.
Conditional or incomplete apology – an apology that is either not an apology or is an apology used only to make a further request. The most common example is, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. This actually implies that you are the problem, rather than their behaviour.
Triangulation – Gaslighters like to enrol other parties to reinforce their messaging to you. This happens in particular if you have tried to separate from them. For example, they may encourage a third party to talk to you to explain how hurt they are by your action. Those third-party players are sometimes referred to as “flying monkeys”
Displacing or diverting – a gaslighter may blame their bad behaviour on you. For example, “I wouldn’t have stayed out so late if you were nicer to come home to”
Trivialise – a gaslighter may belittle your experience to minimise the impact of their actions. For example, “I think you are overreacting, its just not a big deal”.
Denial – a gaslighter will pretend that events didn’t occur or say they forget them.
Withholding – a gaslighter may completely refuse to engage in a discussion. For example, “You are trying to confuse me, I am not getting into this with you”.
Disorienting – a gaslighter challenging the whole discussion because of inconsistencies in one aspect of your account. For example, ”Make your mind up, did we fight about this on Tuesday or Wednesday, or did you just imagine the whole thing?”.
Countering – challenge your memory or account of events in totality. For example, “Your memory is so stuffed up, I don’t think you see this anywhere near correctly”.
Splitting – a gaslighter can weaponize other person’s real, or imagined, account of you to wear you down. For example, “I didn’t want to believe Mary when she said you were oversensitive, but it seems she was right”.
Comparing – in an argument a gaslighter may compare you to other people, often those you admire, to imply that your challenger of them makes you look bad. For example, “Why can’t you be more like Jean, she lets Mike go out anytime he wants without making such a drama”.
Stereotyping and Shaming – a gaslighter may blame the gaslightee for a situation as part of generalisations about their race, colour, religion. For example, “Are you on your period, you sound like a woman suffering from PMS”
It may not feel like you have a chance to stay sane when bombarded by these communication manipulations. The pathway back to positive mental health is to counteract the gaslighting.
Counteracting gaslighting.
Distance and Boundaries: If you want to recover from gaslighting you have to consider separating yourself from the gaslighter. Confronting a gaslighter is extremely unlikely to change their behaviour. They are more likely to double down on their practices. Even if you have begged them to change, and they agree, take a break. You need space to consider the impact of being gaslight and to consider if you really need to be involved a person using such practices. You can’t recover from an abuse that is ongoing.
Counselling: I recommend counselling to recover from the impact of gaslighting and to tackle those traits and thought patterns which make you vulnerable to being gaslight again in the future. A counsellor will help you explore the stresses you have experienced, helping you talk it out, rather than the alternative, which is to act it out. Specifically, counselling can help:
• A counsellor can help you explore your account of events to help you analyse if you were being manipulated. • Counselling can help you explore your self- concept and self-worth to help you regain a sense of yourself again.
• A counsellor can hold space for you whilst you grieve the potential end of a relationship, and the image that you had of yourself from that relationship
• Counselling can help you choose healthy coping mechanisms whilst you recover from gaslighting.
• A counsellor can help you identify red flags to avoid gaslighting success in the future. Counselling can lead you though mindful and self-compassion work to help you recover.
• A counsellor will help you explore any traumas explored before your relationship or as a consequence of your relationship.
Journalling:
Write your story out to help bring it into context. Journalling your experience can be an excellent way to track your progress and narrate your reality. This may particularly help you counteract your internalised gaslighting.
Social support: Connect with people who help you stay tethered to reality and help you gain a stronger sense of yourself. If you are divorcing a gaslighter, consider joining a support group such as the Iron Fairies run by RED DOOR in Hong Kong. Watch out for flying monkeys and placators. These are well meaning family and friends who may approach you to give your partner another chance. Remember they do not really understand what they relationship was like for you, and have no right to assume they know what is better for you than you do.
If you can’t avoid the gaslighter: if you have to interact with them act bored or ambivalent rather than allowing them to spin you into a web of drama. You can simply “Agree to disagree”. Don’t get trapped trying to convince your gaslighter of your world view – this is a fruitless activity.
Third party filters: if you are leaving a marriage with a gaslighter you may need to interact with your partner for several more years. Whenever possible use third parties to help you stay boundaries from your ex- partner. Your lawyer, your family of origin, parenting coordinators, can help you set rules, filter information, and take the sting out of communications. Recording details – A record of events and interactions will help you stay anchored to reality, and remind you about the relationship with the gaslighter should you start to fall for their charms again. Do not be tempted to help “clear up” the record unless you have to. A gaslighter will usually reject any account other than their own.
Conduct self-compassion work: There are a variety of self-help books on self-compassion and mindfulness that you can consume on your own, or in collaboration with the work you do in counselling. Remember counteracting gaslighting requires distance from the gaslighter and the gaslighting experience. If you don’t know if you are being gaslight a counsellor may be able to help you identify what is your problem, from what is being defined as your problem by others.
Useful books if you’d like to learn more about gaslighting.
Barlow, D (2021) Recovering from gaslighting and narcissistic abuse, co-dependency and complex PTSD.
Marlow-Macoy, A. (2023) The gaslighting recovery workbook.
Moutlon Sarkis, S (2018) Gaslighting: recognising manipulative and emotionally abusive people – and break free.
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