Redefining yourself after divorce

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Divorce will change you. Some of the changes will be completely out of your control, especially in the early, chaotic days of a split. As you adjust to the process of divorce you have increasing opportunity to take more charge of some of the change that comes with divorce, riding the tides of change towards a new you, that is stronger, and maybe better than the one who started the divorce process. Would it feel better to know that you can come out of the process stronger than you went into the process?

Academic research on divorce indicates that whilst most people find the process of divorce difficult, they feel they become better versions of themselves after divorce.

Here are some of the waves of change that you may surf to your advantage during the divorce process.

Changing the “We” to “Me”

Married couples are often identify, and are identified, as a unit. If your marriage ends, are you still who you were? Many individuals find understanding who they are, even what they like, very difficult as a single individual. Much of this journey of self understanding may be long overdue and difficult because, for years, individuals may have neglected their own needs in order to be “the best partner they can be” in order to support their romantic partner’s needs or ambitions. When they marriage is declared to be over, you need to move your focus back to who you are, and who you could become.

Start with some of the basics. What do you like? What do you not like? List out your favourite foods, from your favourite things to do? Ask yourself, are these really your favourite things and activities or are your choices a reflection of who you have been in your relationship? If you don’t know your favourites, don’t be discouraged. It simply means that the exploration of finding out who you are, and who you want to be, might be a little more complicated. I advise you to consider a couple of sessions with an experienced divorce coach or counsellor who can help you find a path back to you you use to be, and who you’d might like to become.


Remember, you get to write the narrative of who you will be now. The process of defining what you would like to represent, what you would like to achieve, even what you would like to avoid or stop will lay out the first step, knowing where you want to be. Then we just need to start thinking further about how to get you there.

Write down for yourself:

1)What do I stand for? 2 What do I like about myself. 3) W are my key values and how can I live by them (this is where a counsellor can really help) and 4). What practices or attributes about myself would I like to leave behind?

Grieve

Spend some time allowing yourself to grieve. The end of the hope you had in the relationship. Grieve for the image of the family that you feel you once had.

Its okay to miss the “picture perfect” image you once held of your marriage and your family. It is especially hard when the internet if flooded with images of families celebrating happy times together. Please remember that many of those snapshots are not a real reflection of what is going on within those families.

Whilst you are entitled to your grief, try not to stay trapped in it. You can start to romanticize how things were, and how things “should be”. We tend to hold on to outdated stereotypes of marriage and family. There are many types of families and you need to start focusing on making the new version of your family into something that is healthy, robust, and rewarding. If you get too stuck in your grief for what you think you have lost, you may forget to build something new, different, and rewarding in a way that works for you as you evolve.

People miss the sense of belonging that family helped them feel. They forget that often that feeling of belonging came at at cost, or that the sense of belonging was fleeting. You can create a feeling of belonging again, you just need to start by letting go of the image of a “idealised marriage” or “perfect family” that you were holding on to.

Start something new

Many individuals may have taken a career break inside their marriage and as a consequence, feel out of practice in the world of work and with modern technological skills required to be part of the modern work force. Much of our identity is associated with our role as “stay at home parent”. Even if you want to remain a stay at home parent, I would advise you to start to learn something new as part of the divorce process. Not only can you update your academic knowledge, learning any new key skill will give you opportunities to meet new people, and regain confidence.

Embracing a new exciting change may feel unsettling as well as positive. That is normal. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. You don’t need to consider a change of career or taking on a full academic degree, consider taking up a new hobby, or a practical course, even changing some of your daily habits.

Taking care of yourself

Learn how to take care of yourself. Start by learning to talk to yourself kindly. For some individuals, critical acrimony has become familiar territory within their imploding and increasingly hostile marriage. Start by practicing being kind to yourself.

Every day, look at yourself in the mirror and say something kind to yourself. Stop the litany of “You should”, or “You didn’t” internal commentary. Start congratulating yourself for keeping your cool each day. Praise yourself when you complete a challenging task, even if it was replying to a rude email with a polite response.

Complete the phrase, “If I loved someone a lot I would do ________, _______ and ________, for them” Now consider doing those activities for yourself.

Build strong networks

Friendships and contacts are essential to help you navigate divorce. It is quite possible at the beginning of the divorce process that you had very few, many no friends who are divorced. Meeting other divorced parents and individuals will save you a lot of leg work, and provide, hopefully a few good shoulders to cry on during tough times.

Good friends help you get through divorce. Great friends become your family during, and after.

One group that, if you can find, will make a significant difference is a divorce support group. Support groups for individuals going through divorce help normalize some of the process, remove feelings of isolation, help you handle your feelings of shame or regret. If you are in Hong Kong, you can join the Iron Fairies. Information about the Iron Fairies is in one of the links below (See becoming a groupie).

Understand what you can and cannot change

This is a life lesson that is one of the toughest to accept in life, and from divorce. You can’t turn back time. Sometimes your ex-partner will become exactly the type of parent you would have liked them to be before you had to start to divorce. They may have been fairly absent before the divorce was decided and then, because of teh process they are seemingly in contention for “parent-of-the-year”. This can be very confusing. This may even tempt you to contemplate reconciliation.

You can’t change the past, the affairs, the hurtful words, the resentment. You can work to forgive that behaviour, so that it doesn’t keep you trapped in your anger. Letting go of the pain is a gift that you give yourself. You and your partner could, undoubtedly, have been better people before and during your divorce, but you don’t have to hold onto that if it doesn’t suit you.

Let go of your preferred divorce narrative

It can feel very important that others know that this divorce was “not your fault”, that your partner was to blame for the breakdown of your marriage. You won’t get to control all the messaging around the breakdown of your marriage, so please be prepared that some people may have a completely different view of the breakdown of your marriage than you would like them to have. Whilst you have the right to try to challenge this, within safe and sane parameters, it will be most healthy for you to appreciate that you won’t always get to control the story that is told. What is important is the values that you continue to live everyday.

What is comforting is that that most often, lies become apparent eventually. Please appreciate that this can take several years.

Consider your relationship with yourself and intimacy

Your marriage may have been your main source of touch and reassurance. If it breaks down you may want to consider how you could get your physical needs met. One mistake would be to jump into a new relationship very quickly. Its okay to have needs, think about how you could get those met without returning to your ex, or running into a new relationship before you are ready.

Divorce will change you. It may feel as if it could even break you. You can survive this emotional journey, and even possibly become the best version of you, you were scared to become inside of your marriage.

About the Author.

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist who has spent the past 9 years guiding people through the emotional journey of divorce. In Hong Kong, Angela leads the Iron Fairies, a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce. For information about counselling with Angela and the Iron Fairies contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk.

Other blogs you may find interesting regarding the process of divorce:

If you want to find out more about group therapy whilst going through divorce, and the Iron Fairies therapeutic support group:

Become a groupie: the benefits of group therapy.

If you are trying to decide if you should stay or leave your marriage:

Should you stay, or should you leave?

If you are starting the divorce process and want to avoid some common pitfalls:

Divorce Missteps

If you have a friend going through divorce, and you want to be a good support to them:

How to be a good friend when someone is going through a divorce.

Workplace conflict: You can handle it.

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It is important that we shine more light on “conflict at work”. No workplace intends to be unhealthy, and helping employees understand how to navigate conflicts within the work environment, helps both the individual, and the organisation, become more robust and healthy. Of course organisation can do more to protect and prepare their employees to deal with conflict. Employees can work to better protect themselves as well.

Workplace conflict can lead not only to wasted time within the work environment but also higher employee turnover, poor decision making, grievances complaints and legal processes, absenteeism and health issues, workplace violence, and organisations being labelled as toxic workplaces. It costs people personally and the organisation in terms of reputation and productivity.

Conflict in the workplace does not occur in a vacuum. Individuals bring their physiology and history of conflict into discussions at work, as well as their personal learnt approach to conflict. The environment, including line management, senior managers, task descriptions, attitudes to collaboration and differing points of view, as well as the culture of an organisation all play a role in conflict creation, and management.

In this article I am going to focus on the individual’s role in workplace conflict and what we can do in the moment to lessen conflict. Whilst I might be commenting on what you can do to improve your experience within a conflict situation, this doesn’t mean that you are solely responsible to resolve conflict in your workplace. But, by looking at conflict on a individual level I hope to enable each reader to explore their role, their reactions, and ultimately, their responsibility to respond in a way that helps them protect their mental health.

What components inform your individual conflict style?

The problem for many of us, as adults, in the workplace is that our techniques for dealing with conflict have been shaped from our experiences from childhood, not learnt during adulthood. Often, we learn how to deal with workplace conflict from experience. We have difficulty handing conflict, both in our personal and professional lives, because we are designed poorly to deal with perceived threats.

Inside the work environment we are under pressure to perform, maintain our jobs and reach KPIs, as well as, in a post COVID world, survive restructuring and reorganization as companies adapt to market forces, organisational fads, and changes in workload expectations.

Looking at the attached simplified view of workplace conflict we can explore the individual’s role in workplace conflict.

Most people have trouble with difficult conversations and may prefer to avoid them. Perceiving conflict can make us feel unsafe, and as a consequence we revert to practices that help us soothe ourselves and feel safe again. Our fight or flight responses kick in leading to basic avoidance or battleground approaches.

Avoidance approaches:  Sometimes this means avoidance of conflict, or looking for a white knight – a person to take over your fight for you, or protect you against the person you see yourself in conflict with.

Battleground approaches: Sometimes it means taking a more battlefield style of responses to conflict such as building alliances, ‘poisoning the well’ at work by bad mouthing the person you are in conflict with, taking absolution positions (demanding your way, or expecting complete admissions of wrongdoing), allocating a valiant warrior – a person to battle your perspective for you, or even exiting the organisation.  

Good conflict management requires strong interpersonal awareness, emotional regulation, and an ability to reflect accordingly, especially on the messages you are feeding yourself about what the conflict itself, and your conflict adversary, mean to you.

Your personal background, especially how you were raised can influence which conflict style you have become accustomed to using. In some with, a child may be taught to avoid conflict at all cost. Perhaps dealing with a parent who is quick to anger, may encourage some children to want to flee from conflict as a safety mechanism. Other people may be raised that if you don’t stand up for yourself and assert your point of view, you will be ignored or miss out on opportunities. Think about how your family of origin may have informed your conflict style.

Your emotional awareness and ability to regulate your emotions in conflict situations.

Being able to manage how you respond to escalating conflict in a situation is extremely important to help individuals arise at satisfactory decisions within organisations. If, during a conflict, you suddenly burst out in anger, or yourself start to insulting others in the room, it obviously will become more challenging to continue a dialogue in a calm manner. You cannot un-ring a bell of hostility, and sometimes you need a complete reset to get a meeting back onto a constructive agenda.

The following reflections and activities may help you manage a contentious meeting remaining aware of your emotional state, and helping you better regulate your emotional responses within challenging situations.

Before you meet with someone you are in conflict with, some thoughts to consider:

Creating your own “personal pre-meeting”:

Be prepared to enter any emotionally charged conversation in a positive mindset ready to make a deal. Repeat to yourself, “I choose to be open to the ideas of others, stay positive and engaged in this meeting, and know that I bring value to this organisation”

Contemplate the meaning of any concession in the situation. It’s important to consider what does it mean to you personally, if you have to concede in the meeting? Does this mean that you have lost? What does that mean in term of your sense of self, your perceived self-value? Imagine conceding territory as part of your prep, and practice self-affirmations that might make this feel okay for yourself, if you find this threatening. I am not advising your to concede, but sometimes contemplating compromise, and understanding what it means to you, might make you more comfortable accepting a concession if you have to.

Think about your long-term goals. Take some perspective on the issue at hand, before you meet to discuss it, if you have time. Ask yourself, “In a year, will this issue be important to my career?”. What about in a month?

Ways to better support yourself during meetings where conflict is present.

If you are going to be attending a meeting where conflict may become a feature, you may want to start the meeting by setting respectful communication guidelines. Such guidelines are possibly set at a company level as guiding principles. For example, you might express, “Whilst people often have differences of opinion lets agree that insults, raised voices, insulting gestures, and threats can not be part of any dialogue we need to have when we discuss x,y,z”.

Whenever possible use active listening skills within your meeting. When you are discussing a topic with someone you view in an adversarial position, really try to listen to what they are saying rather than focusing on what you can say to out-smart them, or only listen to create your counter point. When we listen with curiously, we give our full attention to the other party, and we can demonstrate that we have heard what has been said, making our dialogue partners more open to our perspectives.

Validate what you hear. Listening is not just about simply hearing and repeating what your colleague says, it is about validating what has been said. Offering validation involves demonstrating that you understand other’s experiences. You might say something like, “I can see why you felt that way in that situation”, or “I think a lot of people would see that topic the way you do? When we model understanding we keep dialogue more positive.

Take the perspective of the team versus the problem. Rather than looking at the situation as me versus you, can you consider that you and your teammate are a team working to solve a problem together. You need to find a shared way forward. 

Remind yourself of the goal of any interaction is to achieve some activity which is meaningful for your company – you will always benefit from taking a private and honest approach to looking at the company’s goal versus your own needs or agenda.

When you are in the meeting, mind your language choices and personal filters.

Check your adjectives. We can review our use of judgmental terms and filters which may lead us to sound dismissive, or superior to our colleagues. Value everyone’s points of view as worthy.  For example. During difficult discussion people describe their, and other’s perspectives using judgmental terms. Your proposed approach you might describe as “efficient, creative, client-focused”. Many of these terms are actually judgement rather than facts. You may find yourself describing your adversary’s proposal as “wasteful, incomplete” Many proposals can be correct, one does not need to take the absolute ‘Win’. Paradoxically sometimes value judgement terms come after the phrase, “No offence, but…”.

Block yourself from over using the term “you”. When we use the term “you” in discussions this can easily remind people of the divide between you. I see things this way, and You see them differently. You want this. You see it this way. Instead, you can ask questions. I would like to hear your perspective on this idea. This sounds more open and more inviting and less likely to be interpreted as attacking.  

Avoid using absolute terms – another form of judgmental language that can create a divide when talking is to avoid terms such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘nobody’, and ‘everything. When we use these terms, our objective is often to add to the value of our point of view, or to dismiss the value of another person’s point of view. However very few occurrences occur in such universal absolute terms and they can backfire making you look rigid and sanctimonious.  

Utilise curiousity – As a member of the meeting encourage yourself to be curious and generous to the other parties in a meeting. Remember people act and react to situations for a number of reasons you may not be aware of. They may be quick to negative commentary because they are tired from looking after a sick child, rather than they have an intention to upset you.

Always act with respect – In addition to being curious about your conflict partner, check yourself if you are acting respectfully and kindly in your meeting. If you approach conflict in a battlefield mentality, you may be more interested in ‘scoring points’ rather than being kind when you talk.

Flood warning – During a meeting where conflict exists between individuals you might start to feel as if your emotions are building to problematic levels. We call this condition being “flooded”. If you are flooded by fear, anger, or anxiety, it will be advisable to take a pause so that you can calm your body.

Take a needed pause, during the meeting

During such a pause you may like to take some time to ground yourself. Grounding activities allow you to calm your body, sometimes through breathing activities or through distraction activities. Please see the tagged article at the end of this blog, addressing emergency responses when you feel flooded by anxiety. The same activities can be helpful when you feel angry.

During the pause, in addition to grounding activities you can also practice emotionally soothing language to yourself. Imagine you are talking to yourself, full of self-compassion, and as you would speak to a small child. Remind yourself that you are okay and that conflict is also not a catastrophe. Different opinions are not only okay, they also present everyone with opportunities to learn.

A pause can be 10 minutes or longer. Taking a pause to allow meeting participants to calm down, should not be utilised as a method to avoid reconvening to continue an important discussion. If a mediator is involved in the meeting, they may want to remind people about the respectful communication rules of the organisation.

Learning more about your conflict style and how you can better manage conflict situations in the future.

Perspective – take a moment to think about if the current conflict will still affect you in a year. This helps us take a higher level of resolving the topic. Will this decision matter in a year?

Look for the meaning in your own need to win or avoid the conflict. Conflicts at work are similar to conflicts between romantic partners – the stated issue is often not the real issue that underlies the conflict. It is important to explore the meaning you attach to the event or issue. For example, would “losing” a conflict diminish your need to be recognised as a subject matter expert? If you feel this way, you might like to ask yourself how is your internal and external value as a subject matter expert built and does this conflict really matter in building a stronger sense of yourself?

As yourself what is your narrative? When we look for meaning in a situation you can help create some perspective by asking yourself, “What is the story I am telling myself in this situation” This type of internal reflection allows us to better understand what our beliefs about other people’s motivation and the perceived value of winning and losing in a situation. We benefit from exploring what is a fact, and what is a personal interpretation in a situation.

Reflect about your role in your relationship with your adversary. We can sometimes demonize the person that we are in conflict with. People resist you because they think you don’t care about them, not because they don’t care of you. How have you demonized your adversary? Do you really know what motivates them, or have you made assumptions about them?

Who can help you?

All parties involved in a conflict at work pay a major role when conflict at work is not well managed – including the organisation. People in conflict are not more or less valuable than each other, but in practice some organisations may give more resources and better support those who are seen to be a key contributor to the bottom line of the company. This is sometimes a feature of conflicts we see involving compliance representatives versus sales people in financial organisations.

Within an organisation you may look to discuss conflict management with your line manager, or your HR partner. Sometimes people do not feel safe engaging with those roles, and we has managers of organisations need to better create circumstances to help employees manage conflict, After all, differences of opinion are a healthy component of a productive workplace.

Sometimes you need to look outside of your organisation to enable your better navigate workplace conflict. A good counsellor is a person you can consider as a confidential resource who is completely on your side.

Should you stay in your organisation, or should you leave?

Deciding if an organisation is a good or poor fit for you is completely your decision. When individuals come to counselling to talk about their experience of conflict at work, we will help by asking a series of reflective questions that help those individuals stand aside from the problem, so that the decision may be easier to make. There is significant value in working with an objective person outside of your organisation who is qualified to help you prioritize and protect your mental health. IN addition to aiding your to frame the should I go, or should I stay” question, they can also help you brainstorm the other career ideas, and coping mechanisms.

You can discuss with people around you, or a counsellor or coach in order to fully review your perspective on the situation. Some of the question your might discuss include:

    • Who am I responsible to?

    • What am I responsible for?

    • Ask yourself – how is my conflict style working in this situation?

    • Ask yourself – Can the situation change?

    • Ask yourself – Can I change myself in the situation?

    • Think ahead – what would be the consequence of you staying silent? Or speaking up?

    • Look around – how have similar situations in the organisation been treated in the past?

Then, write it down and make a plan – shall you stay, or should you go? Below are some items you might like to consider.

Workplaces want to attract the top talent. The 2022 Women in the workplace report by the consultancy group McKinsey suggests that senior women want to work for organisations which represent healthy workplaces practices, and that demonstrate their commitment to these values beyond superficial communications. Building positive methods of conflict management is part of this.

If you are confused by conflict at work, consider discussing your situation with a counsellor. The team at Red Door are all experienced and qualified are all qualified to deal with this topic with their individual clients.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR counselling in Hong Kong. Angela has been voted the best therapist in Hong Kong. For appointment with Angela, and other Red Door counsellors contact us at Angelaw@reddoor.hk or SMS/ Whatsapp +852-93785428

 

 

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2022/03/07/anxiety-attacks-emergency-responses/

 

Books on workplace conflict that you might find useful:
Daoust, M. O. (2020). Conflict at work: A toolkit for managing your emotions for successful results.

Genny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A. S., and Gregory, E. (2023) Crucial conversations. 3rd Ed. 

Wesley, D. (2015). Conflict resolution in the workplace: How to handle to resolve conflict at work.

The Resiliency Rx – check-in to check-up

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Resilience

The Resiliency Rx – check-in to check-up

Resilience is the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances. It is a trait that allows us to exist in this less-than-perfect world while moving forward with optimism and confidence. From a psychological research perspective, resilience is collective terms for a range of personal skills (I’ve included 28 elements below) which are developed during the childhood. Many of them can be enhanced or corrected with education, therapy and training– in other words resiliency can be taught, to both children and adults.

Resiliency is required to deal with day-to-day hassles, and is essential when you face exceptionally stressful events. Stress such as that experienced when you are going through a divorce, lose your job, suffer a bereavement, fail a significant exam, or are diagnosed with a serious illness, even fall out with your friendship group at school, require an ability to respond to these acute stressful situations.

In today’s world you need to be resilient. This doesn’t mean you need to accept other peoples’ bad behaviour, but you also need to be able to respond appropriately when other people behave badly, or circumstances turn out unfavourably for you. For example:

  • Sexism, racism, prejudice still exist in the world, and you are likely to be exposed to this at some point.
  • People can be mean, they can bully and exclude others. And this doesn’t just apply to teens.
  • You are likely to encounter at least one person in your lifetime who tries to push you around in a work or learning environment.
  • You are likely to fail at test or exam at some point in time. Will you retake that test, or are you willing to only make one attempt?
  • Family members are probably going to say something personally offensive to you at some point.
  • There might, amazingly, be a global pandemic which means your life suddenly changes completely out of your control.

If you are resilient you are better able to face the stressful slings and arrows that one encounters in a lifetime, rather than resorting to maladaptive coping strategies such as escapism (gaming, having affairs), self-medicating (abuse of alcohol, drugs), or breaking down (depression, burnout, anxiety attacks) or developing other psychological problems (paranoia, obsessive stalking).

Hence, we can think of resiliency as the super multivitamin – and the daily prescription (Rx) provides protection from environmental stressors which might, potentially, make us unwell.

There are a number of tests of resilience – for children, youth and adults. They can be self-administered. I have adapted selection of questions from various tests below to provide some examples of some of the items that are sometimes assessed. I remind you, the test within this blog is not an empirically tested diagnostic test, it serves instead as a potential check-up of your current aspects of functioning – a check-in check-up.

The RED DOOR Resiliency Rx – quick check-up

Let’s begin with some questions about how you see yourself, and then explore other categorical elements of resilience.  Select the frequency that you experience the following thoughts/ feelings or experiences:

How I see myself

how do i see myself

It stands to reason that how you see yourself will influence how well you feel you can respond to a stressful situation. Self-efficacy, our belief in our ability to influence the outcome of a situation is a key aspect. If we do not believe we have any chance to change an outcome we are forced to sit inert, whilst unfortunate events happen ‘to us’. How we see ourselves, our positive self-affect (self-liking) is also an aspect of resilience, as is our self-esteem (sense of self-worth). If we think positively about ourselves and see our worth, we can withstand adversity’s impact on our feelings towards ourselves, and our ability to be positive in the future.

A series of beliefs about ourselves, especially if they are distorted, can compromise our ability to cope. If you see yourself as a ‘loser’, or an ‘idiot’, you will expect that situations are likely to end in a negative position.

When stress occurs, those who harbour perfectionist distorted fears, such as a strong fear of making mistakes or have doubts about your actions to the extent that you are forced into in action, maybe in for a harder time when the going gets tough. It stands to reason that how you see yourself will influence how well you feel you can respond to a stressful situation.

Self-efficacy, our belief in our ability to influence the outcome of a situation is a key aspect. If we do not believe we have any chance to change an outcome we are forced to sit inert, whilst unfortunate events happen ‘to us’.

How we see ourselves, our positive self-affect (self-liking is also an aspect of resilience, as is our self-esteem (sense of self-worth). If we think positively about ourselves and see our worth, we can withstand adversity’s impact on our feelings towards ourselves, and our ability to be positive in the future.

On the four questions above I would expect a score of 10 or above to indicate that you see yourself well in terms of ability to be resilient. *

Framing and reframing situations

Framing and reframing situations

How you see the situation, and can challenge one’s original interpretations of a  situation – the ability to frame and reframe – also influences your overall resiliency.

Cognitive distortions – beliefs that you hold about the world, influence how well you can respond to it. If you tend to catastrophize about what may happen, you create a lot of additional internal anxiety for your system to deal with, beyond that which is presented by the original situation. Additionally, comparing your work or yourself to others is a guaranteed way to build doubt in yourself over the long run. Even if you are the cleverest, you probably won’t also be the most charming, or good looking, or most popular, or best educated, or best dressed. The list of comparisons you can make is endless, and the only guarantee is that you will, eventually, fall short.

Your ability to brainstorm creatively about resolving problems will lead to confidence to address challenging situations, just as having a positive attitude about challenges, learned optimism also helps. Being present, and mindful, is essential. Tackle each problem step by step and don’t fret over the parts that are a long way off from being realised. Many concerns may not materialise. If you focus on all the potential problems you may encounter in the futurebefore you make a particular decision, it’s enough to make one hide under the covers for days on end, rather than face up to making needed decisions today.

Being grateful is not just for hippies. Being grateful and keeping gratitude lists encourages two positive resiliencies boosting aspects – firstly, the ability to see that many things are good, even when not everything is good, and secondly, the recognition that there are a lot of people who would be happy to have half of what we have. Altruism, and helping others rise, will help you install the ability to bounce back into your own psyche.

On the five questions above, I would suggest that a score of 17 or higher indicates that you frame, and re-frame, situations in a positively resilient manner. *

Current coping mechanisms

Current coping mechanisms

Take a moment to consider how you cope with stress now, as it is very likely that you will utilise the same coping mechanisms in moments of acute stress. Maladaptive stress responses include self-medicating through alcohol consumption or recreational drug use, escaping through game playing (on devices or with people), and avoidance (procrastinating, avoiding going out).

There are healthier coping mechanisms that you can learn. A good place to start is in identifying the stressors in your life and how your body responds under stress (for example stomach pains, headache, fatigue, shaking) so that you can identify these symptoms relationship to your anxiety experience. Learn calming techniques, breathing, relaxation, colouring, and mediation to help calm your body.  If you lack assertiveness, consider assertiveness training. Practice stress management techniques (blog coming shortly on this specific topic).

If you score less than 12 on the four questions above, it may be time to evaluate your current coping mechanisms in terms of ability to be resilient over the long term*Take a moment to consider how you cope with stress now, as it is very likely that you will utilise the same coping mechanisms in moments of acute stress.

Maladaptive stress responses include self-medicating through alcohol consumption or recreational drug use, escaping through game playing (on devices or with people), and avoidance (procrastinating, avoiding going out). There are healthier coping mechanisms that you can learn. A good place to start is in identifying the stressors in your life and how your body responds under stress (for example stomach pains, headache, fatigue, shaking) so that you can identify these symptoms relationship to your anxiety experience. Learn calming techniques, breathing, relaxation, colouring, and mediation to help calm your body.  If you lack assertiveness, consider assertiveness training. Practice stress management techniques (blog coming shortly on this specific topic).

If you score less than 12 on the four questions above, it may be time to evaluate your current coping mechanisms in terms of ability to be resilient over the long term*.

Making the most of your support network

Making the most of your support network

In order to be resilient, you need to be able and willing to ask for help and lean on people. What is particularly important, and a key element of our Teen Resiliency Rx course is understanding who are your real friends and differentiating them from those you simply spend time with. We all need someone, actually more than one, person we know has got our backs. Sometimes even trustworthy friends cannot be there for us in a crisis, because of their own life situations, so having a diverse network of support is important, especially for teenagers. Encourage your teenagers to have friends both inside and outside of school.

Resilient people also have healthy relationships with people they spend time with. They have robust boundaries – they understand what is their responsibility and what is yours and do not get those mixed-up. They do not hold negative cognitive distortions about how others see them, and have the skills to appropriately deal with conflict in relationships. All of these skills can be taught if you consider yourself enmeshed in other people’s drama, or constantly thinking people hate you.

I would consider a score of 14 or over to demonstrate that you are doing well in building supportive networks around yourself, providing a safety net, in case you need it. *

Committed to your purpose

Committed to your purpose

If you have had your path in life written for you by others, perhaps your parents or as the trailing partner of an expat, you may feel a lack of purpose. This is because you are not pursuing your own goals, rather that of others. It is important to have a sense of purpose about your life. If it needs some temporary adjustment because of your circumstances, that can be incorporated. You need to know where you are going, and why it is important for you, or you will not feel satisfied when you get there. Build a personal growth plan and an action plan so you feel directed. Manage part of your time to achieve these goals. Believe in yourself, be confident , and committed to your purpose. Enlist help if you cannot do this on your own.

Part of being committed to a purpose is to ensure that you make it to the finish line. Your health is a priority. Many of us place our health needs on a back burner because of today’s pressing needs. Your body and mind need you to be as healthy as you can be, so that if an acute stressor occurs, you have your health to rely on.

If you score 13 or more you are on your way to your purpose. If you score below this, please consider what you can do to help yourself build purposeful resilience into your daily plans*.

How did you do?

If your resiliency check-up went well, then congratulations. If your scores didn’t add up the way we recommend, then consider what might be areas for development for you. Part of being resilient is reaching for advice when you need it.

*Please remember this is not a true empirical diagnostic test. Low scores indicate you can work on areas, high scores do not guarantee that you will be resilient when hit by a crisis. If you have any concerns about your resiliency score contact our team at RED DOOR for more discussion. reception@reddoor.hk

#reddoor #resilience #personalitytest #support #mentalhealth #perfectionism #stress #selfefficacy #selfesteem #anxiety

Change your thinking – change your life.

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filtersBeing contented is a matter of perspective. Those whom are content are more likely to be able to respond positively to change when it is required, accept that many negative events are beyond their control, and allow situations to proceed differently than their initial expectations. This is because they can approach life’s challenges with a rational, and cognitively flexible, perspective.

It is possible to change your thinking and be happier. If you are willing to challenge your thoughts, you can change your life.

What are thinking filters? 

Famous psychologist, Albert Ellis, identified a plethora of irrational beliefs that we develop as part of the way we are raised, see the world, and believe about ourselves and other people. These beliefs are filters that, like a pair of glasses, interfere with the way that we see situations. Wearing faulty filters may cause people to engage in self-defeating behaviours such as experiencing self-hatred, jealousy, self-harm, accepting abusive relationships, over reacting to situations,  procrastinating, and anger.

You can stop help yourself and remove your faulty filters by creating a constructive dispute with yourself, or even have a counsellor lead this discussion for you. The dialogue will depend on the filters that you use most frequently. Experiencing faulty filters is quite common. Read on our list of common cognitive filters, how they influence how you perceive situations, and how you can change the view.

 

Black-and-white-thinking.

black and white thinkingThis type of thinking occurs when you look at situations in a polarised way – situations, people, activities are either good or bad, nothing in between. Most situations are neither complete disasters or beyond fantastic, often situation have both good and bad aspects. Most people have some attributes that you find challenging, but this doesn’t make these people totally bad or good.

When people wear these black-and-white-thinking filters they can respond in an inflexible way to challenges – “I didn’t get an A in that test and now my future is ruined “or “I submitted that assignment but I made an error in the first paragraph so the whole article is now rubbish”.

In particular people who have black-and-white-thinking in relation to people find themselves caught in judgement loops – these people are all bad, and therefore my poor behaviour towards them is acceptable, or they need to be brought down.

If one has black-and-white-thinking in relation to situations, a person can end up with lowered resilience. Every set back can become a tragedy, rather than a minor bump in the road.

Change the view: If you feel you may be one who experiences black-and-white-thinking actively force yourself to find the shades-of-grey in situations, or with people. Can you recall a time you thought something would be a tragedy and it ended up being ok? Perhaps you fall into the practice of judging a situation too quickly. The next time this happens, before you define a situation as a disaster, let your emotions, and the situation play out a little further. See where more evidence might lead you.

Should-ing and Must-ing.

All of use could be labeled “must-terbators” at some point in time.  It is irrational to believe that most things are absolutely necessary. Believing that acts should be performed in a particular way, at a specific time, or in an exact order, creates a tyranny of should – a condition where you live life dictated by a list of thoughts which are not really rational.

shouldWhilst everyone has lots of things that they should (or could) be doing, some beliefs are irrational in their detail and in their believed consequences. For example, if everything needs to be perfect, this creates a lot of pressure on a person to perform a task to a (sometimes) unrealistic standard. Believing that you need to be the perfect student, parent, worker, lover, or be in control of all events in your life, be slim and attractive at all times, always be interesting, always have a friction free family – are unrealistic.

Being influenced by excessive should-ing and must-ing can have a multitude of psychological consequences including:

Self-doubt: feeling like a failure because you can not maintain your own (self-imposed) impossible standards,

Procrastination: too frozen in fear to start a project without already being an expert, or knowing you will be perfect at it.

Strict expectations: that others will live up to the same standards of you, or should not settle for less than perfect. You may find, without really wanting to, that you bully others to live up to your expectations.

Change the view:  If you suffer from ‘must-terbation”, the cure is to create a thought dispute. Do you REALLY have to be a perfect parent/child/partner/etc? Is this a realistic expectation? What happens if you are not perfect? Do activities need to be conducted in a particular order? What might happen if the order can not be observed? Try to substitute the word “CAN” for the word “must”. This will help you remember that you have a choice in every situation. If you find that you respond with a high degree of anxiety to a need for order, you may have some early symptoms of obsessive-compulsive thinking, and may benefit from talking to a therapist to guide you more actively towards change.

Jumping to negative conclusions.

negative conclusionsWe all have the tendency to occasionally jump to negative conclusions. We may assume that someone deliberately performed an activity that hurt our feelings, or event assume and intent to their inaction (e.g. they don’t like me). In these situations, limited information or evidence can be used to support negative conclusions. This may be the case when we fail to get success at work, thinking that others are not supportive, when they are sometimes just too busy or not focused on our priority.

This type of faulty filter can lead to inaccuracies regarding our perception of people and situations.

Change the view: If you find yourself typically jumping to negative conclusions ask yourself the following reflective questions, “do I have solid evidence that my beliefs are true?” and, ”Is there a possible, alternative, view of this situation?”. If you jump to negative conclusions quite frequently you may even start to feel quite paranoid about other people’s motives. You may like to consider counselling in that situation. At least start a daily practice of reflection such as journaling so that you can capture and explore your emotional relationship with events at a time that may be willing to appraise your reactions.

Overgeneralising.

overgeneralising.jpgOvergeneralising is a special type of jumping to conclusions – both negative and positive conclusions. Overgeneralising is often reflected in our language choices – we use extreme frequency terms to describe behaviours – “they ALWAYS forget”, “Things NEVER go right for me in love relationships, EVERYBODY is happy except for me”. “Now that I am separated, ALL my married friends won’t want to see me”. Occasionally we may even do this after a single instance – one rejection letter leading to the assumption “I will never get a job”.

Change the view: When we overgeneralise, we can make decision that are self-defeating such as giving up on applications, feeling bad about ourselves, and limiting our experience of life.  This is very common in the stories you tell yourself about your romantic partner.

Try to ban words such as always, never, and everyone from your vocabulary, especially during self-talk. It is highly unlikely that an absolute term will be an accurate description of a situation.

Mind-Reading.

mindreadingMind-reading is a special type of jumping to negative conclusions. Not only do we make an assumption about people in the absence of complete evidence, but at some level we feel certain we know what they are thinking. Whilst on some occasions we may guess this right, we may also get this wrong. I often talk with clients who assume people talk about them negatively or think a particular way about them. In my experience we greatly overestimate how much people talk about us, and how judgmental of us they may be. Most people are usually worrying about their lives and what they need to do, rather than the role we play.

As a consequence, mind-reading can lead to self-limiting or self-defeating behaviours. We may not sign up for an activity because we know what people may think. For example, we may not go to join a dating event because you think others will think you are desperate. Or go to a family dinner because your cousin may negatively judge you.

Change the view: People who practice mind-reading will benefit from an automatic Anti-mindreading reminder that people do not think about you as much or as negatively as you think. Additionally, worrying about what people think may be indicative of your own challenges with self-esteem. When you love yourself enough, what other people think will not matter so much.

Catastrophising.

catastrophisingCatastrophising refers to the faulty filter we apply when exploring the future of situations in regard to negative outcomes. Whilst it is typical to occasionally feel a negative outcome, when we go for medical checks and such, excessive worry is of no help. If you tend to catastrophise regularly you cause yourself immense distress. Imagining that all situations will end in disaster is exhausting. Worrying that people will die or leave you will not make those situations any easier when they do happen, it just makes you experience the situation, virtually, again and again.

Change the view:  People who catastrophise need to challenge their thinking with more ‘realistic’ thoughts, and remind themselves how many times in the past situations have turned out OK. Often the worry caused by catastrophising may move people to seek out reassurance from others, and this in itself can become a problem. Try to do nothing for a while first. Whilst the anxiety you feel is unpleasant you can work to distract yourself from that experience with anxiety relieving activities.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/08/02/when-anxiety-attacks-6-immediate-solutions/

Personalising.

personalisingWhen we personalise we feel responsible for events or situations that are not our fault, or we assume that it is our fault. It can lead to us feeling offended when it isn’t necessary. If a friend ignores your text may not mean that you’ve offended them, instead it may mean they are busy. They may not be trying to offend us, or even be having an emotional reaction to something we have done.

Personalising can be a component of co-dependency in relationships. I once had a grumpy boss, and many of us who reported to him walked around on eggshells, torturing ourselves over what we had done wrong to upset him. Rather than wasting valuable energy on this worry, it might have been more constructive to let him have his time being grumpy (after all his emotions are his responsibility) and get on with the work that needed to be done.

If you have performed an act, either selfishly or unwittingly, where another person was hurt. You can take responsibility for your role in a situation, and apologise or try to make amends, but leave it to that situation. Whilst we can take responsibility of for our own behaviour and thoughts, we do not need to take responsibility for the choices of others.

Change the view: If you personalise you may want to review your thought process to see how a situation could be viewed differently. If you are taking responsibility for someone in addition to yourself you may want to ask yourself if you have become co-dependent –. When we are co-dependent, we see ourselves through the views of our significant others – if they say we are okay, then we are okay. IF they are angry or not operating properly in life, we need to change our behaviour in order to save them. Counselling is a great way to break out of co-dependent patterns.

Filtering.

We all filter sometimes. Imagine you are in a group and each is providing feedback on your work. Nine of the 10 people say you did a wonderful job. One person says they thought your contribution wasn’t good enough. Which do you remember – the 9 positive remarks, or the one negative. That is filtering.

filtering.jpgFiltering becomes a threat to our self -esteem if you use this faulty thinking style frequently. In the era of the internet where people can feel more willing to troll other people and say horrible things on line, selecting what you choose to believe and reinforce as regards you sense of self, is extremely important. This is especially true for teens who use internet vehicles to test reactions to their world views – and perhaps do not yet have the resilience to rebuff negative feedback.

Change the view: it takes time to build a solid sense of self, and it is a worth while activity. Catching the filtering you do in your life is one way to eliminate negative self-perceptions.  If 9 people say you are great, say thank you 9 times. To the person who gave negative feedback, say thank you as well (provided the feedback was given in an honest and with improvement in mind), but move on. One negative review does not define you, but it can help shape you. You will make mistakes in life. That is actually part of the journey. If one person says you are ugly, stupid, lame, vulgar, it is the opinion of ONE person, and quite possibly says more about them than it says about you. Be realistic, you will not receive 100% consensus on any topic, even how fabulous you are. There is only one vote that counts, and its yours.

Comparing.

comparingIt is common to consider our own attractiveness, status, success, and personal worth relative to others. Comparing oneself constantly can become quite negative, especially when we assume elements about the other person and ourselves. For example, thinking a person who gets a better pay rise than you is an overall better person than you is not only unrealistic, it is unproductive. Please see our article on the strong relationship between comparing and feeling miserable.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/10/23/comparison-a-one-way-ticket-to-misery/

Change the view:  Catch yourself comparing and making assumptions about others. If your friend has a success, this says nothing about you. Repeat to yourself, “ I am enough, I do not need to compare”.

Blaming.

blamingOccasionally people let us down, even hurt us with their actions. Sometimes these actions are intentional. Many times, they are not.  It is good to be able to accept disappointment and imperfections in others. If you find that you become stuck and blame others for your position in life, or in a situation you give away some of the power to fix that situation. Accepting someone’s behaviour is not an endorsement of that behaviour, it is simply acknowledging that bad realities exist, and that life can be unfair.

People can get become stuck in the hurt they feel – for example if they are forced out of a job, or their romantic relationship ends. It is up to us to help ourselves move on from painful events, even if they were initiated by the action of others.

Change the view: keep moving forward in life. There will be set backs. Overcoming them is a part of life and building resilience. If you are having trouble getting past a pain caused at work our article on career crisis might help {blog career crisis), whilst if you are stuck from the pain of a hurt in a personal relationship our blog on recovery may be of assistance.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/12/31/let-it-go-let-it-grow/

Labelling.

We all make mistakes or act foolishly sometimes. When we label ourselves, rather than our behaviour we diminish ourselves. For example, if you made a mistake on a report you could say, “I made a mistake”, or you could label “I’m so stupid”. The latter response does nothing for your self-esteem. Acknowledge mistakes and bad choices as part of life, that can be forgiven.

labellingIt is also illogical to label others, on the basis of one inference or observation. One fight with a colleague does not make her a “bitch”. When we label others, we not only diminish them, we provide rationalisation for further retaliation, “its okay to do xyz, because she is a bitch”. This is clearly not rational, and can often become prejudicial.

Change the view: Catch yourself when you use labels for yourself and others. Label acts and behaviours as problematic, not the person. We all need forgiveness sometime.

Where to next?

Did you notice if you have been wearing filters? Its time to take off those shades, and change your view. Changing your thinking patterns will change your life. Are you ready to feel differently. Challenge these thinking filters and see how your life could be better.

One way is to start to actively practice cognitive flexibiliy exercises. These can be done alone,but are even more effective when discussed with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to help clients identify thought traps and repetitive patterns, and as such may also be able to help you ask the very different questions you need to ask to change your reactivity to a situation. Some great examples of cognitive flexibility questions are detailed below. 

 

Using cognitive flexibility exercises, such a using these questions when you are reacting to a situation, can be part of a pathway to change.

About the Author: Angela Watkins is a CBT and narrative therapy counsellor working in Hong Kong with teens and adults. Angela helps her clients work through pain, shame, grief, and being stuck. You can feel differently.

Note: an earlier version of this article first appeared in 2019. This article has been updated and edited since that time. The latest version of this article was edited in April 2025. 

#catastrophising   #commonthinkingerrors  #faultythinking #blackandwhitethinking  #comparison  #blaming  #filtering  #personalising    #mindreading #reddoorcounselling

Get into the Group: English language support/ therapy groups available in Hong Kong

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There is no doubt that individual therapy can help individuals feel better. Group therapy can be a powerful alternative or addition to individual therapy to help you achieve therapeutic results.

Group counselling offers unique benefits—working through challenges collectively can reduce feelings of isolation and shame, provide access to shared resources, and often be more affordable than individual therapy.

Who Leads Group Therapy?
Groups can be led by qualified mental health professionals, such as counsellors or psychologists, or facilitated by individuals with lived experience. When choosing a group, consider the facilitator’s qualifications and experience. Some with lived experience are highly capable of guiding others, especially when they have received appropriate training and are not simply sharing their story repeatedly. You are entitled to ask about the leaders depth of experience in addressing an issue.

Cost and Accessibility
Group sessions vary in cost—some are free, while others charge a fee. Typically, group therapy is significantly less expensive than individual sessions, making mental health support more accessible.

Effective Group Dynamics
Successful groups are run by competent leaders who establish clear rules regarding privacy and respect, share the group’s goals, and manage members who may disrupt progress—such as those experiencing emotional dysregulation, refusing to participate, or bringing unrelated issues to the group.

Below is a list of current English-language groups in Hong Kong covering various topics. Please note I haven’t personally experienced all of these groups, so this information isn’t an endorsement but a resource guide.

Counselling & Support Groups in Hong Kong

Iron Fairies
A therapeutic support group for women navigating divorce, run by RED DOOR Counselling. Led by an experienced psychologist and counsellor, it has been active since 2017. The group meets fortnightly at RED DOOR’s Central office, with additional support via a mobile app.
Fee: HKD 300
Contact: WhatsApp 93785428 | Email: angelaw@reddoor.hk

About The Iron Fairies

Talk Hong Kong
Offers support groups for survivors of sexual abuse and assault, for both men and women. Facilitated by peer leaders with lived experience, these monthly groups aim to build coping skills, understand personal trauma, and establish healthy boundaries.
More info: https://www.talkhongkong.org/

Special Needs Network Hong Kong
A longstanding support group for parents of children with disabilities, providing education, support, and community connection. Open for over 20 years, it meets monthly—ideal for parents of children with special educational needs.
Website: https://www.snnhk.org/

St. John’s Counselling (Young Adult Group) (note this group will be discontinued at the end of Feb 2026)
A peer-support group for young adults facing mental health challenges, facilitated by counsellors. Suitable for those seeking an alternative to face-to-face individual counselling, with weekly meetings held at St. John’s office.
Contact: 2525 7207 | Email: kimberly.ho@sjcc.hk

The Care Bridge

The Care Bridge is an online group run by counsellors and counsellors in training from RED DOOR Counselling. The group supports adults as they care for relatives at a distance. It can be stressful and worrying looking after people who you are far apart from. The group meets via zoom. Attendance at the group is free.

Contact: WhatsApp 93785428 | Email: angelaw@reddoor.hk

Online therapy Group – Care Bridge – for adults caring for their aged relatives from afar.

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
A global organization focused on overcoming alcohol addiction through the 12-step program. Meetings are held weekly both in person and online. AA’s approach may not suit everyone, but it remains one of the most effective programs available.
More info: https://www.aa-hk.org/

SMART Recovery
An alternative to AA that does not involve spirituality. It employs a science-based, four-point program empowering individuals to manage cravings, change thoughts and behaviors, and lead balanced lives. Meetings are weekly, available both face-to-face and online.
Instagram/Facebook: @smartrecoveryhk | Website: https://smartrecovery.org/

OCD and Anxiety Support
Monthly group therapy for individuals experiencing severe anxiety, led by qualified counsellors or counsellors in training. A donation is requested, with discounted counselling options available. For OCD.
More info: https://www.ocdanxietyhk.org/

The New Normal
A charity offering monthly mental health support groups on topics like grief, cancer, and under employment. Led mainly by trained volunteers, these sessions are usually free.
Website: https://www.thenewnormalcharityhk.org/

Final Thoughts

Trying a support group can be highly beneficial—you may find it complements individual therapy or serves as an effective standalone approach. If a group isn’t suitable or available, individual counselling remains a valuable option.

About the Author
Angela Watkins is a private practice counsellor and psychologist based at RED DOOR Counselling Hong Kong. She supports adults through divorce, anxiety, depression, substance misuse, abuse, and career transitions. Angela also leads the Iron Fairies group for women navigating divorce, and is also one of the counsellors running the Care Bridge.

Note: If you operate an English-language mental health support group and would like your information to be included contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

#grouptherapy

#divorcerecovery

#parentingspecialneeds

#alcoholicsanoymous

#smartrecovery

Understanding school refusal

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Probably every parent has encountered a morning when their child refuses to go to school. We try to convince our child to get their acts together, and get ready for school. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. This is usually very stressful for parents. Now, imagine this happens every day.

What is school refusal?

School refusal is made up of a persistent pattern when a child is reluctant to attend school and remains at home and the parents know about this absenteeism. In most cases the child has had an episode which accompanies their refusal – including expressed fearfulness, throwing temper tantrums, or presenting with somatic illnesses, which possibly disappear when they are allowed to stay at home.  Most parents have usually attempted to secure the child’s attendance at school and are not, initially at least, supportive of school absence (Heyne et al, 2013).

From an academic research perspective, school refusal requires a pattern of absence, adding up to above or near 10% of school days (Havik & Ingul, 2021).  It is different from time missed from school due to truancy. Truancy involves absence without the parents awareness or consent (Heyne et al, 2013).

Before the COVID pandemic, school refusal occurred at a rate of 1 in 25 kids. It is suspected that since the since pandemic there has been increased absences in schools and growth of the number of children missing more than 10% of school days (Havik & Ingul, 2021).

School refusal poses a serious threat to a young person’s development because it affects their learning and achievement, places the youth at higher risk of dropping out of school completely, it places the youth at risk of becoming socially withdrawn, and can place the young person at greater risk of later mental health issues and/or developing other anti-social style behaviours (Henye et al, 2013; Havik & Ingul, 2021). So its not just a missed learning issue.

And as any parent will tell you, it is not just the child that is affected. School refusal can be a source of family stress and conflict (Henye et al, 2013).

Why does school refusal occur?

Looking at the academic research about school refusal we can identify the features about the refusing child, their family home, the school and the greater environment that may drive this behaviour.

About school refusers

School refusal occurs when stress within the individual exceeds support, when the risks to self are greater than resilience, and the factors that promote non attendance outweigh the factors that encourage attendance (Havik & Ingul, 2021).

Individuals refusing to go to school may have heightened fear of failure, low self-efficacy, and physical illness (Maynard et al, 2018).

Children’s anxiety is often a factor in their absence from school (Totsika et al, 2024). Anxiety disorders are present in about 50% of clinic referred youth exhibiting school refusal (Maynard et al, 2018). School refusal might be about avoiding school because it provokes such negative feelings such anxiety, depression, and distress (Havik & Ingul, 2021). For younger children the presence of separation anxiety may be a key component in their refusal to attend school (Roué et al, 2021). The correlation of mental health factors such a anxiety and depression may be a precursor or a maintainer of the refusal behaviours. Because of the mental health aspects, and the complication of understanding what is motivating a situations, versus what is maintaining a situation, professional help from a psychologist or experienced counsellor is paramount to support children displaying school refusal.

There is also the possibility that some of these emotional experiences are actually indications of underlying learning issues finally being brought into the light of day. Many children with learning issues find it possible to fake some form of learning progress, until the content that they are learning becomes too complicated for their compensation style behaviours or skills to fake learning any more.

Children who are neurodiverse – including those with dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, ADHD, ADD, and autism – have a particular vulnerability to school refusal. It is suspected that in addition to internal anxiety and fears over failure, that school refusal may be due to a mismatch between the child’s needs and the schools ability to accommodate with appropriate learning adaptions (Totsika et al, 2024). Additionally, neurodiverse children may be more at risk of social exclusion at school, a school factor which drives school refusal (Totsika et al, 2024).

Age is an individual factor determining the severity of school refusal. Adolescents may see return to school to be solely determined by them rather than collaboratively with parents (Heyne et al, 2013) Teenagers are also more likely to be more physically capable of resisting parental efforts to return them to school. Therefor older children tend to present with more complicated cases of school refusal to treat, and cases with younger children are often easier to treat successfully (Heyne et al, 2013).

It is important to also consider what is happening after school has been avoided. School refusal might be about avoiding school in order to pursue another tangible reinforcements outside of school. For example children may be refusing to go to school in order to stay in bed, talk to friends outside of school (in different time zones), and to engage in gaming (Havik & Ingul, 2021).

What might be happening at home

School refusal might be about avoiding school to gain attention from others, particularly parents. Havik and Ingul (2021) suggest this might be the root of use of somatic illness as a method to refuse attendance at school. Other researchers highlight that family factors such as divorce of parents, individual parents mental health challenges, general family dysfunction and parents feeling overprotective of their children may be components of a child’s desire to refuse school attendance (Maynard et al, 2018).

This highlight the needs of professionals, and the school, to understand the home environment when attempting to build a school attendance plan to overcome lost learning as a consequence of school refusal (Roué et al, 2021).

School factors

The school itself may be a part of the school refusal puzzle. School factors include bullying, the structure of the school, and the level of schooling (Maynard et al, 2018).

The older the child, and the age of children in the school, the more complicated school refusal treatment can become:

“Socially and academically, the secondary school environment is more demanding than the primary school environment. This together with increasing importance of academic performance, peer influences, and identity formation during adolescence, can make it more difficult for school-refusing adolescent to overcome school refusal, relative to a school-refusing child”.( Henye et al, 2013)

School refusal might be about avoiding school to avoiding evaluation situations (Havik & Ingul, 2021) . Very academically aggressive curriculum may be more pressure than some children can bear. Additionally, schools may not be designed to meet the holistic needs, or learning needs of all of their members (Havik and Ingul, 2021).

The social world at school is also a challenge. Schools have a lot of difficulties managing bullying and exclusion and compromised relationships between children/ teens can be a factor in school refusal (Havik &Ingul, 2021; Henvik et al, 2015). Many teenagers in Hong Kong experience exclusion, and want to miss school as a reaction to their social difficulties at school.

In the wider environment

Societal pressure towards academic pressure may be a component in school refusal (Maynard et al, 2018). Pressure to perform well at school is common in Hong Kong, and is a factor in school engagement, and many other mental health challenges (Chyu & Chen, 2022).

During the COVID pandemic many individuals worked from, or studied from home. As with work, it it seems like the relationship with school became optional. This is not just affecting children, teachers also seem to feel this way (Havik & Ingul, 2021).

How do counsellors treat school refusal?

School refusal requires treatment, not just a plan, because of all the intricate forces that create the behaviour and perpetuate it, including ongoing mental health challenges. (Maynard et al, 2018). One element I want to highlight to parents is that school refusal treatment usually requires an evolving plan needs to involve the child, the parents and the school, and may take several weeks to implement successfully.

Counselling is recommended for school refusers. Family therapy is promising to help resolve school refusal (Roué et al, 2021).  Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) styled treatments are usually recommended (Heyne et al, 2013).

A plan around sessions and discussion by a counsellor with a child or teen who has been refusing to attend school might include the following:

Similar discussions need to take place with parents.

School refusal has a major impact on families, and may stretch a parents’ vulnerability. Additionally, the degree of commitment of school personnel toward children with school refusal largely depends on their parents’ attitudes (Roué et al, 2021). Programmes need to have sessions including parents or family therapy sessions so that all concerns, barriers, learning and scheduling accommodations to discuss with the school, and the goals can be agreed. Family or parenting sessions could cover understanding the reasons and impact of school refusal, developmental expectations of the child, understanding what reinforces school refusal in the home setting (Maintenance), helping build new communication tools within the family, Helping parents build new responses to school refusal signals and behaviours and improving overall family dynamics (Heyne et al, 2013; Roué et al, 2021).

Counsellors may also work with the school, and family, to help explore the school’s ability to coordinate and organise around the requirements of the child at school including flexible scheduling, looking at means to overcome lost learning, help build in structures to support for anxiety, and build strategies around social difficulties the child may have been experiencing (Heyne et al, 2013). Unfortunately schools are organisations with limitations and sometimes accommodations can not be made, but many do as much as they can. In the end, sometimes a change of school may be required.

Special consideration for parents of school refusers in Hong Kong

In Hong Kong the typical school calendar is 190 days, so if thresholds to consider school refusal a problem is are usually around 10% of school days on offer, 19 days of missed school would be considered indicative of a school refusal problem.

Every day you encounter a school refusal issue, you might like to put the school refusal behaviour in context to this overall threshold. It isn’t just one day. Ask yourself, “If my child had to repeat a whole year if they miss 10% of the days, would you allow your child to stay at home?”

Remind yourself, and your child, what makes school worth attending and considering. Listen to your child, and see if you can summarize their arguments back to them. Remember, they might not want to tell you the whole story that they are struggling with learning of friends. Try to get to the bottom of what is going on, and consider professional help, such as a counsellor, to achieve this.

Please appreciate, some aspects of the school experience are uncomfortable. Think about what you want your child to become use to, rather than avoid, in the list of elements about school that can be difficult for them. Ask yourself you are able and willing to help your child navigate what they find uncomfortable.

Are you willing to make your child’s requests to stay home uncomfortable in different ways? Ask yourself are you willing to remove any excuses for them to stay home? For example, unless they are sick, the child can’t stay in bed all day. Would you be willing to remove their access to devices so that gaming to talking to friends online is not an option? Can you sit with your child whilst they do their schoolwork at home?

Schools in Hong Kong, do try, but probably need to do more, about bulling and exclusion. There is an attitude, especially among teenagers that they should be able to navigate these delicate social troubles on their own, without adult intervention, and we may need to assess if this is wise.

For neurodiverse kids school life may include exclusion and and bullying. This is not okay, but is quite common unfortunately. What supports exist at the school help your child navigate social situations? Some of these resources may be outside of school. For example, Red Door hosts a social social skills programmes on Saturday mornings, and many of our students consider that group of individuals their safe group of friends, rather than relying on school for close friendships.

Schools may find supporting your learning differences too difficult. Explore what they can and can’t do. Perhaps school may not be perfect, but it may be good enough for some of the time. Also consider what external supports could help to lighten the expectation on the school? This would also require schools to be more flexible on their attendance parameters. You may want to think changing school, but not before you have secured another spot for your child. Learning support spots at schools in Hong Kong are highly sought after, and limited.

One last note, treating school refusal can take time. Parents naturally want quick results, but this doesn’t happen immediately. I highly encourage you to seek the imput of an experienced counsellor or psychologist to help. I hope this article helps you better understand some of the nuances of refusing to go to school

About the author. Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor working our of RED DOOR Counseling in Hong Kong. Angela works with children and families on a range of issues, including school refusal. To contact Angela email angelaw@reddoor.hk

References to this article.

Chyu, E.P.Y; and Chen, J-K; (2022) Associations Between Academic Stress, Mental Distress, Academic Self-Disclosure to Parents and School Engagement in Hong Kong. Front. Psychiatry, 14 July 2022

Havik, T; Bru, E; and Ertevåg, SK (2015) School factors associated with school refusal and truancy – related reasons for school non-attendance. Soc Psychol. Edu. Vol 18:221-240

Havik, T; & Ingul, J. M. (2021) How to understand school refusal. Frontiers in Education.

Heyne, D; Sauter, F.M.; Ollendick, T.H. Van Widenfelt, B. M.; and Westenberg, P. M. (2013) Developmentally sensitive cognitive behavioural therapy for adolescent school refusal: Rationale and case illustration. Clinical Child Family Psychology Review.

Maynard, B. R.; Heyne, D; Brende, K. E; Bylanda, J. J; Thompson, A. M; Pigott, T. D. (2018) Treatment for school refusal among children and adolescents: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Research on Social Work Practice. Vol 28(1).

Roué, A; Harf, A; Benioit, L; Sibenoni, J, and Moro, MR. (2021). Multifamily Therapy for Adolescents With School Refusal: Perspectives of the Adolescents and Their Parents. Frontiers in Psychology. June 2021.

Totsika, V; Kouroupa, A; Timmerman, A; Allard, A; Gray, K.M; Hastings, R.P; Heyne, D; Melvin, G.A; and Tonge, B. (2024) School attendance problems among children with neurodevelopmental conditions one year following the start of the Covid19 Pandemic. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders; Vol 54, 2998 -3007.

Be the best parent you can be after divorce – the importance of collaborative co-parenting

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collaboriave coparenting image...The question is never if divorce will have an impact on your children, but rather if this impact will be minimal or significant.

Children can adjust to divorce with help.  An important element that determines if there will be long term negative consequences on your child will be your ability to which you can  collaboratively co-parent with your ex-partner. Afterall your marriage may have ended, but your love for your child continues.

Collaborative co-parenting is a practice where parents agree to parent in a discussed, organised and agreed manner, in order to minimise the negative impact of divorce on their child. This is possible even if they hold differing views on how to raise a child.

For families of divorce, children often become innocent victims of the tension and resentment between the parents. Collaborative co-parenting can change that situation by providing parents with constructive tools to use in building positive child custody and visitation plans.

The collaborative co-parenting approach means finding a way to work with your co-parent with dignity and respect. What was once a personal relationship changes and becomes more like a business relationship wherein both parties, necessarily,  set aside personal feelings for the benefit of the children. Collaborative co-parents learn to develop strategies for conflict management and to establish a stable routine for the children via a collaborative child custody and visitation parenting plan.

The backbone of collaborative co-parenting arrangements can be discussed with specialist counsellor or divorce mediators. When I work with divorced couples, I remind them that the collaborative co-parenting process focuses and assesses each parent around the best parent that they can be, rather than on hurting or scoring points against your ex-partner.

It is important to note that a collaborative co-parenting agreement is not legally enforceable but should be signed with honest intent as if it is a legal contract. Copies of the agreement can be held by each parent, and shared with relevant family members, including older children if this is done in a supportive manner.

collaborative coparenting agreeentA Collaborative Co-parenting process includes three main topics of discussion.

The first, and most importantly, is to agree on certain principles that parents are willing to adhere to. These principles provide a framework of you promising to be the parent your child needs you to be.

The second discussion focuses on setting up the logistics – such as how living arrangements are split, holidays agreed, ECAs discussed and decided.

The third section is often the most contentious, is about how finances will be allocated in order to support the child.

The arrangements are summarised into a collaborative co-parenting agreement to be signed by both parents.

The logistics and the finances need to be discussed within a framework that protects each parent, whilst stretching them to turn up as the best parents they can be. If you are struggling getting to an agreement, get help.

What I can easily share are some of the principles that I ask parents to consider when setting the framework of decisions. Ask yourself where you stand on the following topics – would you agree? If not, why not?

I agree to:

  • Hold my children’s needs above my own territorial needs or desire for independence.
  • I will take the adjustment required by divorce to rise to the occasion and be the best parent I can be to my children.
  • My child’s emotional well-being and self-esteem are paramount and I will act in a manner that best supports my children.
  • I will not over promise time, money, or effort in support of my child, and then under deliver on these promises.
  • I will not use my child as confident, messenger, bill collector or a spy with my co-parent
  • I will not withhold my child from their other parent. I understand that my child is entitled to have a positive relationship with both of their parents.
  • I will abide by the rules of fair and practical time sharing and will make a serious effort to honour this agreement.
  • I will communicate necessary changes in the schedule of child care with my co parent in advance. Any changes in the schedule will always be discussed with the other parent prior to informing the children.
  • We agree to respect the other’s parenting style and discuss any concerns at agreed upon communication meetings.
  • I promise not to only do fun things with our child, leaving hygiene, homework and day to day care explicitly to the other parent
  • We agree to make arrangements which can be understood by our child and are sustainable.
  • We agree to clearly communicate to our children our respect for their other parent.
  • We will keep our child physically safe when they are in my care.
  • We agree to reinforce to our children that time with their other parent is important.
  • I will be mindful of my child’s need for a stable diet and sleep and not return them to their other parent over tired, unclean or poorly nourished.
  • We agree to work on our problems as individuals privately and not in front of the children. We agree to allocate an agreed designated communication time, and involve professionals in this discussion if we can not reach and agreement on our own.
  • We will agree to communicate to our children that no new romantic partners will be introduced to them in meetings that have not been agreed by the other co parent.
  • We agree to speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child.
  • When we are with our child, we will be focused on spending quality time with that child, and not primarily engaged in another activity (drinking with friends, attending meetings) as agreed.
  • We agree that the child can display photos of both parents in their bedroom.
  • We agree to collaboratively set behavioural guidelines of expectations of our children in front of step parents, relatives, etc.
  • We agree that we will not consume alcohol at all/ become intoxicated in front of the children. Drug consumption at any time, prior to or during child care time is not tolerated within this agreement.
  • We agree to only leave our children with agreed third party caregivers and with the other parent’s agreement.
  • We agree to both collaborate in our child’s school meetings.
  • I agree to honour our arrangements about financial support of children and will not withhold this support from the co-parent.

These principles are designed around best parenting practices. Are you ready to be the best parent you can be, as you divorce?

Remember one day your child will be an adult, and will probably tell their romantic partner about your divorce from their perspective. Imagine the script you want them to detail. For example,

“I know my Mum was hurt by the divorce, but I was always so impressed that she always attended my personal events – school shows, birthday parties – with my father, so that I felt that I was the priority.”

” I wasn’t happy when my parents told me that their relationship was over, but my Dad always helped me buy presents for my Mum for her birthday and Mother’s day, he didn’t just stop caring for her as my parent, when their romantic relationship was over”.

How will you behave? What story will your child say about you in a few years time? Even more reason to be the best parent you can be.

About the author  of this blog. Angela Watkins is a counsellor working with couples – individually and together –  helping them build safe, supportive parenting practices and respectful relationships as they work through challenges including marital split.

#parenting

#divorceandparenting

#collaborativecoparenting

#childrenanddivorce

Note: an earlier version of this article was previously published in July 2020. This article has been significantly updated since that time. The latest version of this article is from September 2024.

Good at being single.

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I often think about single hood. It seems that society fluctuates between positioning singledom as a piteous position, to selling it as an almost toxic positive psychological mountaintop, which feels as fake as the piteous position feels wrong.

Antonyms for single include “unpartnered” and “unpaired”, and even “on the shelf”. In a world full of movies, love songs, and novels which telegraph that our goal in life should be to find “the one” to be with as the ultimate accomplishment, it is no surprise that we are often not very good at the alternative.

Because of these modern myths, some people choose to stay in relationships for the wrong reasons, and one of those reasons is fear of being single, like it is something bad. They choose this path in response to the negative rep being single seems to hold. I’ve even heard teenagers gossip with each other saying, “Its no surprise she hasn’t got a boyfriend” in a manner than connotes the superiority of relationshiped over single. It’s almost as if being single implies that there is something “wrong” with you. Surely, time spent by yourself, uncoupled and working towards your goals and individual identity is as, if not more, important than being in a relationshiop? Therefore I want to challenge the harmful stereotypes of being single. Don’t just be single, be GOOD at being single.

Being single and independent could be the most valuable time of your life. Not just when you are a young adult, but also later in your life, when you find yourself “uncoupled”. People can find themselves suddenly single in midlife. It may not have been your intention to be single again, and that can feel unfair. We can hold onto that sense of unfairness, but it doesn’t help us. Being single is the time we learn who we are, and can be a great time for personal growth.

If you are single, I want you to be good at being single.

Are you good at being single?

I want to challenge you to give yourself a grade for how good you are at being single. Let’s use the old fashioned grading system, moving from A plus to D minus. For the sake of this exercise lets say a C is the basic pass. C minus is actually a close fail. What grade do you give yourself?

Take this discussion up with friends. Discuss the grades you give yourselves. Do you agree with the grades your friends give themselves? Do they agree with the grade you gave yourself?

Think about the criteria that you used to calculate your grade.

I’ve been toying with what makes people good at being single for a while. I work with teens, young adults and divorced women in my practice, and I have up with the following criteria that I think you could consider.

Criteria you might use to assess if you are “Good at being Single”?

Understand Single as a destination, not a pit stop

Ask yourself, are you single more than you are in relationships, or mostly in relationships. Being single is not only a status update between relationships, it can be a time of significant self investment. Single is not just a status you survive until you are in your next relationship, it is a destination on its own, with dedicated goals. If you have hardly ever been single for more than a short period of time, you are probably not good at being single.

Understand your sources of validation

When you are good at being single you will work to provide validating messages for yourself, rather than seek validation from external sources, particularly a romantic partner. Self-compassion and self-validation are essential to be an independent, complete and competent adults.

Its time to learn to accept yourself – imperfection is actually great. Consider if you fixate on being perfect. People who are perfectionists often compare themselves to others – which often leads to feelings of inferiority and reinforce external sources of validation over internal sources of validation.

If you have trouble with this criteria, talking to a counsellor may be of help to acquire this skill.

Have direction in your life

Being good at being single means that you have a personal career plan and hold yourself responsible to achieving those goals on your own.

The contrast, not being good at this aspect of being single, means that you are possibly rotating around another persons plan for your plan for the future. A man is not the plan. Even if you are likely to be a trailing spouse, you need to have a life and plan of your own.

If you don’t have your own goals in life this is a topic you can take up with a counsellor or career coach. Setting your own goals is liberating.

Know your self – Know your value

If you are good at being single you will have spent, and be spending, significant time knowing who you are, what you stand for, and what are your values. Being single is a time when you are focused on growth and understanding yourself.

If you are not so good at being single you may not know who you are, what you stand for, when you aren’t in a couple. This could mean that you are co-dependent.

Able to be alone

Being alone is not the same as being lonely. I have a woman, lets call her Mary, in our divorce support group who summed this up beautifully:

“I was scared to leave my marriage because I feared being alone. What I didn’t realise was that I was desperately lonely in my relationship. Everyone assumed I was okay because I was with my partner. To be honest, when I left my marriage I was alone, but significantly less lonely.”

Can you be without a romantic relationship for a significant period of time? Some people seem to jump from one relationship to another. There is a mass of commentary on what is a suitable time between relationships. Here are some general guidelines that might help.

  • You actually END one relationship before you have started your next relationship.
  • If your relationship lasted 3-6 months you could take at least 3 months before you consider another relationship. Remember being single should be the main status, not a temporary status.
  • If your relationship lasted 6 months to 18 months, consider a break of at least 5 months.
  • If your relationship is 2 to 5 years take at least 6 months to spend on yourself.
  • Between 6-10 years – take a year.
  • Over 10 years take at a month for every year.

Manage the baggage, own your healing

A primary goal of being single is planned self development. One aspect of this is understanding yourself in relationships. Do you know what hurt are left from your relationship? Have you actively engaged in healing those pains and learning whatever lessons need to be and lessons that need to learnt. Have you taken responsibility for your role in the successes and failures in that relationship?

Those who are not good at being single avoid this hard recovery work. You could simply blame your ex-partner for all the problems in the relationship. You may avoid healing yourself and auditing the relationship appropriately, and therefore repeat patterns in relationships or carry your baggage forward into future relationships. Healing is hard work, but its good work.

Full life versus life, “on hold“

People who are good at being single have a full rich life including having hobbies, goals, and activities that are not completely dependent on other people’s participation or acceptance.

Individuals who are not good at being single, may only take up new hobbies when they are between relationships or have hobbies that are performed only with their partner. These might even be the hobbies of their partner, that they have taken on, instead of choosing hobbies for themselves.

Able to self-soothe

Being able to soothe yourself rather than depend on your partner as your “rock” is a healthy behaviour. Self-soothing techniques used by good at single individuals may include writing letters (that you do not send), journalling, talking to friends, self talk, or engaging in therapy.

If you are not good at being single you might continue to use your romantic partner as your soothing source, even when that relationships is over.

Friendships are a stable priority

Single does not mean unsupported. Successful single people have solid friendships that remain a priority regardless if you travel, if you are dating, or if you take on a significant personal or work project. You don’t need to see your friends every day, but they know they can rely on you to turn up every week or month, as you say you will.

People who are not good at being single use their friends as entertainment or a buffer between relationships. When this person finds a new love interest, their friends are about to be ghosted.

Red Flag assessment

Those individuals who are good at being single understand that they may have ignored red flags in their relationships in the past, so seek advice, from friends and, even therapists, about the flags that you may routinely miss or ignore.

For example, selecting to pursue unavailable partners IS a red flag that you choose to ignore. Rewriting the narrative around episodes of being treated badly by partners may have been a red flag that you have chosen to ignore. This ignoring of warning signs is almost like you have been gaslighting yourself to stay in situations that may not be in your best interests. For example, I’ve heard the clients say “I know that he slept with another girl, but it wasn’t his fault. That girl made it happen“. Whilst relationships can recover from infidelity, blaming third parties is not a healthy repair and doesn’t immunise your relationship from future trysts.

How can you see the red flags you previously ignored?

Mostly your good friends know what you have ignored or rewritten in relationships in the past, and may have even tried to tell you that this could change. But you also dismissed them because, quite simply you didn’t want to listen.

When you are good at being single, you will seek your friends thoughts on past and potential partners, and, even more importantly, listen to, rather than rebuff, their observations. Of course they can be wrong. But maybe, so can you.

Or you can ignore the red flags, and continue to go to the circus.

Prioritise regular self care

Successful at single people look after their health consistently. How you look and feel is a priority to you and you will engage in regular self-care activities.

People who are not good at being single hit the gym only to find a new partner, or create their “revenge body” now that they are single. When they are in relationships they may even prioritise care for their partner over fulfilling their own self-care needs. You need to show love and commitment to your care regardless of your relationship status.

Leave the past in the past – becoming unstuck.

In order to move on, and to be whole in your single hood, you must first let you of your past relationships. Ideally you have gone “no contact” with your ex. This is the only way to really put your past behind you. Some situations are particularly challenging to let go of your past relationships. Some situations, such a divorce with a co-parenting partner, make no contact difficult or impossible. However, you need to try to minimise contact even in those situations. The great break up book, “Getting past your break-up” by Susan Elliot helps identify some of the ways individuals choose to stay entangled with their ex.

Methods you might have used to minimise contact. Ask yourself honestly if you are maintaining a relationship with an ex. Audit how often you contact them or respond to their messages. Be honest. Is all that contact needed?

Susan Elliot (2009) details 7 common excuses that individuals use to keep in contact with their ex- partner. I’ve added some personal thoughts on what you might like to do if your are using these excuses:

  1. Wanting to be friends: When a relationship ends each individual needs to do the work to lose their couple identity. Just because your ex wants to be friends doesn’t mean that you should. If you even contemplate a friendship, go no contact for a few months and then review this from a perspective of a healed person, rather than a hurt one.
  2. Seeking closure: Obviously when relationships end we need to grieve. Sometimes people believe that they need answers to questions in order to move on. This is unrealistic. You don’t really need the answers. Additionally, you may never really get an answer, you may just get excuses or lies. You don’t need closure. The only way through grief, is to grieve.
  3. One more thing to say or do: You may just need to ask x, or explain y, before you let go. No, you don’t. Often a person’s behaviour has communicated all that needed to be said, but you’d rather hear a script that keeps you engaged or attached to that ex-partner. If your ex-partner routinely let you down then their behaviour said it all – they can’t or won’t be a regular source of support for you. If they suddenly started seeing someone else, you don’t need to know what was wrong with your relationship. You were not their priority, or they didn’t want to be monogamous. You don’t need to know, “what you did wrong”. Their behaviour indicates their choices. They do not need to explain themselves, their behaviour has already done this. That IS who they are. It is quite likely that you need to work on developing self-compassion and learn to self-validate so that you can self-soothe better in this situation. This does not require attachment to your ex-partner.
  4. Reconciliation is a possibility: Staying attached to someone in the hope that your relationship could be rekindled is choosing to engage in a form of self-torture. Sometimes ex-partners say that reconciliation is possible as a means to maintain your engagement with them. They may still want the benefit of the support that you have provided to them in the past, but do not want to have reciprocal responsibility. A break should be a break. If someone wants to get you back, let them experience the full loss of the relationship for a few months. During this time do the work to help yourself recover including grieving the relationship and being good at being single.
  5. Returning stuff: Return stuff is your ex wants stuff desperately. If they don’t, then throw the stuff away. If you really want something back, as, but also understand that you might not get it back. Stuff is stuff. It is not love.
  6. Lusting: Continuing a physical relationship when you end an emotional relationship is confusing, and probably harmful to your mental health. Susan Elliot writes, “If it’s dead, bury it. Don’t sleep with it.”
  7. We run in the same circles: Maybe you are at the same school, are co-parenting children together, have attached careers, or have shared friends. This can make complete no-contact difficult. You can still work to minimise contact. Negotiate to split up resources – don’t go to the same club on the same day, don’t have chats that are not focused on the children or a shared project, and don’t triangulate friends into the dissection of your relationship. Keep your lives as separate as possible.

Shaming single

We must all work towards the mythology and stereotypes around shaming singlehood. Being in a relationship is NOT superior to being single. Catch yourself, and others, implying that being single is wrong, or that something is wrong with women who are single.

Having worked in the area of counselling individuals going through divorce for over 8 years, I am well aware of how much others like to gossip when marriages break up. Stop yourself, and others doing this. It only maintains the wrongful belief that divorce is a shameful condition.

A special word for those who are, “Suddenly Single”

When people have been married for a long time, being single again is a major adjustment. From my experience people often have poor sense of self, compromised self-concept. Be compassionate with yourself – it will take you a while to “find yourself” again. Do the work. Grieve the relationship. Find some great sources of support. Counselling can help. If you are in Hong Kong, join the Iron Fairies support group for women going through divorce. You are not alone.

Where to from here?

How did you do once you looked through our criteria of what it takes to be Good at being single?
What can you do now to make yourself a complete person without a relationship. You can still enjoy being in a relationship, but be so because you choose to, not because you are afraid of being single. Any belief that single is less, or wrong, stops now.

About the author:

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with adults and teens in Hong Kong. Angela is a couples counsellor and counsellor for individuals. Angela runs the Iron Fairies – a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce in Hong Kong. For a session with Angela or to find our more about relationship work, contact Angela at AngelaW@reddoor.hk

#single #singlehood #breakup #divorce #split #independence #love #selfcompassion #brokenheart

Feel good hormones

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If you have been feeling down, find out how to best manage the hormones that help us be happy.

Four hormones are associated with senses of happiness, pleasure and contentment. If you have been feeling low, you might like to explore if you are stimulating the production of these hormones in ways that improve your health. There are some lifestyle changes that can influence the release of these hormones, and hence how you feel.

Hormones are chemical messengers, which, once released into your bloodstream, control many bodily functions, including how you feel. There are four hormones associated with feeling good: Dopamine, Serotonin, Endorphins and Oxytocin.

Dopamine is the hormone most associated with the feeling of pleasure and reward systems we set up in our brains. Pleasurable activities including eating, shopping, winning a game, sex can create a dopamine rush. Other substances can hack the production/ suppression of dopamine including drugs and alcohol, which can lead to addiction.

Dopamine plays a role in many bodily functions including mood, heart rate, movement, pain, blood vessel function, and sleep. One of the central tenants of Dr Anna Lembke’s book, Dopamine Nation [1], is that addiction associated with tech, gaming, drugs, and alcohol not only stop us from feeling good, because they hijack the dopamine cycle, they also mess with these other bodily functions such as mood, attention, sleep and sensations of pain.

If you are struggling to feel good, it has been suggested that you may need to go on a dopamine detox, take a break from activities that have hijacked dopamine production and utilize the activities that help manage the production and healthy release of dopamine. These activities include diet, sleep, and calming activities such as meditation and even listening to music.

Tyrosine is a an amino acid that is part of the production of dopamine. As such foods that are rich in tyrosine are recommended as part of a dopamine reset. These foods include chicken, milk, cheese, yoghurt, avocado, banana, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, and soy [3].

Ensuring that you achieve enough sleep is important to help keep your dopamine levels balanced. Dopamine both requires sleep, but also helps to establish healthy Circadian rhythms – the daily rhythms that regulate many biological processes [2, 3].

Calming practices such a meditation help to calm the body. Research indicates that individuals who meditate, even for one one hour, experienced increased levels of dopamine [4]. Even listening to your favourite song may increase dopamine levels. Listening to music seems to increase activity in areas of the brain which are rich in dopamine receptors. [5].

If you have been suffering from any form of addiction – to alcohol, to other substances, to food, even to tech – a dopamine detox might extremely helpful for you. To read more about this look into the book Dopamine Nation, which I highly recommend.

Serotonin is the hormone that helps people stave off depression. Serotonin helps regulate a person’s mood, sleep, digestion, memory and ability to learn. [6] Long term depression of often linked to a lack of serotonin which is why most common anti depressants, serotonin and norepinephrine re-uptake inhibitors (SNRIs), aim to increase serotonin levels in the brain.

Besides meditations you can increase your time in sunlight, or workout. Diet may also help to help increase serotonin.

Serotonin levels are stimulated by ultraviolet rays from the sun. Simply spending time outdoors, as little as 15 minutes may change your levels of serotonin [3]. Working out is good for your hormone levels. When you exercise your body releases tryptophan, the amino acid used to produce serotonin [3,6].

Diet may contribute to serotonin production. It is suggested the complex carbohydrates such as vegetables, fruits and whole grains have been suggested to help [3].

Oxytocin can help us bond with loved ones. Its main function is to facilitate childbirth, sexual arousal and it plays a role when we fall in love. This is why Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the “love hormone”. The release of oxytocin decreases stress and anxiety. The presence of oxytocin helps us feel relaxed. when oxytocin levels are low, people can become depressed [6]

medical treatments aiming to stimulate oxytocin have not yet been demonstrated as successful. Therefore the most promising route to improve your oxytocin levels is through physical touch and exercise. Physical exercise, especially cardio is extremely positive [6]. Touch, even soft touch such as massage may be helpful to improve oxytocin levels [6].

Endorphins are the brain’s pain relief hormone. Endorphins are released when we feel stressed, or are put under strain. In addition to helping individuals with pain, they also essential for stress management and general mood [6].

There are many ways to increase the production and release of endorphins including exercise, sex, laughing, time in sunshine, and meditation.

Exercise, even moderate seems essential to release endorphins. Putting the body under strain, such as that mimicked by exercise helps the body learn to manufacture and release endorphins [3].

People often feel blissful after having sex and endorphins are part of this sensation. They also promote the release of other hormones that are associated with feelings of love [6].

Having a great time with friends and enjoying a good laugh together is joyful. Endorphins are released when we are laughing. So go ahead and organise a gathering with some fun people.

If you have been feeling out of sorts, or a bit blue, I would recommend that you explore the types of activities that stimulate the production of feel good hormones. If your blues persist, please consider therapy or consulting a doctor to help you write a plan to battle your moods. You do not have to suffer alone.

To read more

[1] Lembke, D. (2021). Dopamine Nation: Why our addiction to pleasure is causing us pain. Headline Publishing. London.

[2] Korshunov KS, Blakemore LJ, Trombley PQ. Dopamine: A Modulator of Circadian Rhythms in the Central Nervous System. Front Cell Neurosci. 2017 Apr 3;11:91

[3] Dacre, Ameri. (2023). The dopamine connection: Maximise your potential with sleep, nutrition and brain health.

[4] Kjaer, T.W;  Bertelsen, C; Piccini, P;  Brooks, D; Alving,J;  & Lou, HA. (2002). Increased dopamine tone during meditation-induced change of consciousness. Cognitive Brain Research. Volume 13(2), pages 255-259.

[5] Koelsch, S. (2020) A coordinate-based meta-analysis of music-evoked emotions. NeuroImage, Vol 223, December.

[6] Watson, S (2024) Feel-good hormones: How they affect your mind, mood, and body. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/feel-good-hormones-how-they-affect-your-mind-mood-and-body

I’ll never fall in love again….

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never fall in love again

..or will you?

Can you fall in love again after the pain of divorce?

If your partner left you, you may be currently focused if the ache associated with feeling discarded will ever go away. A new romance is the not the cure to that ache, but it can make for a useful distraction. Even deciding to date again can be a challenge.

 

Could you start dating again?

When: There is a time that you might contemplate dating again. I divide the stages of divorce into phases, and certainly the earlier phases are not the time to start dating.

Contemplating: this is when you are wondering about your relationship, if you should split, if you should stay. This phase may last several years. It is not easy to decide if you should end your marriage.  At the end of this article we will attach our article on preping for divorce. Have a look at that article if you have time. 

The next phase – Declared involves the early stages of your divorce process. You might have verbalized the desire to divorce but have not actioned the divorce paperwork yet. In this stage you might even resolve your relationship issues, potentially with counselling. Dating during this stage might actually end your marriage, so perhaps wait until you have started the next step.

 

divorce stages

 

Filed. This means that you have started the divorce process and your partner has been formally informed. You may find dating at this time makes the process rather muddy, but at least you have said that, for you, the marriage is going to be over.

 

Who: Do yourself one favour whilst you are divorcing and conduct a self-audit on your strengths and weaknesses before you jump into dating? Make sure that you are healed. Have you been successful at being single. I would argue that you should be. Know yourself as well as you can.

If you have explored what role you played in the ending of your marriage. This is not about accepting or attributing blame for the end of the marriage, this is a mature reflection on your role in the end of this marriage. If you accepted too much criticism, if you gave and gave of yourself – only to be unappreciated, take a cold hard look in the self-accountability mirror. Have you started to change those elements in yourself that will prevent you falling into the same trap for a second time?  Take some time to actively date yourself, so that you can honestly say that you love yourself and want a partner rather than need one because of a weak self-esteem.

It is natural to look to date someone very different from your previous partner, it’s a natural response. Just take your time to explore if that is a good fit for you.

How: There are a number of apps on offer to meet up. If you use apps, remember to take to the process with an open mind, and a sense of humour. Rather than looking for love specifically explore if a person might be a potential friend or contact. It doesn’t hurt you to meet a bunch of new people.

Meet for coffee rather than a drink or dinner. Coffee can be a short introduction and can lead to a potential second meeting.  If your meet up is painful, you can orchestrate an urgent text from the office so has to escape easily and leave. From the women in our divorce groups, they commit to meeting many new people, and sometimes romance blossoms. Many times, they, at least, make great new friends.

Woops: There are some woops behaviours you might like to pay attention to.

  • If you see warning signs – listen to your antennae. Step back, take a breath.
  • Do not introduce the person you are dating to your kids, until you have been dating for a few months at the very least. Remember you may have picked to spend time with this person, but your children have not actively made that choice. 

If you feel tempted to dive back into the pool of possibility, go ahead. Remain open minded, have a sense of humour, and just have fun.

 

 
Considering Divorce: Key Prep

Note- a previous version of this article ran in July 2020. This article was last updated in September 2024.