Understanding Executive Functioning Skills: A Pathway to Overall Success

executivefuntioning

Executive functioning skills—such as planning, organizing, prioritizing, self-checking, and shifting—are essential not only for academic achievement but also for a child’s holistic development and self-esteem. These skills play a vital role in enabling children to navigate various life domains, from academic settings to social interactions. Recognizing individual strengths and weaknesses in this area can empower students to take charge of their educational journeys and personal growth.

What Are Executive Functioning Skills?

Broadly defined, executive functioning encompasses a range of cognitive processes that support learning and personal development. Strong executive functioning enables children to:

  • Organize Materials and Time: Efficiently manage tasks and responsibilities.
  • Employ Memory Strategies: Utilize techniques to enhance information retention.
  • Maintain Focus: Concentrate on tasks and minimize distractions.
  • Enhance Self-Awareness: Recognize their organizational strengths and weaknesses and respond accordingly.

The Impact of Weak Executive Functioning

Children who struggle with executive functioning often encounter significant challenges that extend beyond academics, including:

  • Inefficient Work Habits: Difficulty completing tasks effectively, leading to frustration.
  • Underperformance: Challenges in demonstrating true abilities in exams and assessments, which can negatively impact confidence.
  • Forgetfulness: Regularly forgetting essential materials or equipment for school, resulting in feelings of inadequacy.
  • Difficulty Distinguishing Key Information: Challenges in identifying important details versus errors.
  • Poor Self-Concept and Low Self-Esteem: When children find organization difficult, they may engage in negative self-talk and develop a negative self-image.

These issues can escalate as children transition from primary to middle and high school, and beyond. Without targeted support, the implications of weak executive functioning can persist into adulthood, affecting personal relationships and professional success.

The Importance of Assessment

A comprehensive assessment of executive functioning skills can provide valuable insights into a child’s cognitive processes, highlighting areas of planning and performance that require additional support. Assessment tools typically involve rating scales that can be completed by the student (if they possess sufficient self-awareness) and close adults. These assessment questions focus on components of executive functioning that may need attention. At Red Door, our proprietary executive functioning assessment explores various domains, including self-awareness, organizational skills, goal setting,  flexibility, emotional regulation, meeting behavioural expectations, proactive initiation, sustained focus, memory, and persistence.

The Broader Impact

Enhancing executive functioning skills can lead to a more organized, confident, and resilient child. As students learn to manage their time and responsibilities more effectively, they not only improve academically but also bolster their self-esteem and overall well-being.

Understanding and addressing executive functioning is a crucial step in nurturing well-rounded individuals who are prepared to tackle the challenges of both their academic and personal lives.

Key domains within executive functioning. 

Understanding Yourself / Self-awareness as an Area of Executive Functioning

Self-awareness is a critical component of executive functioning. Some individuals may overestimate their abilities in certain tasks and fail to perceive themselves as others do. For instance, they might believe they are more cooperative or attentive than they actually are. However, when parents or guardians assess their child’s performance in these areas, they may offer a significantly different perspective.

It is essential to recognize both strengths and weaknesses while maintaining a hopeful yet realistic approach to the challenges we encounter. You may not yet be proficient at a task, but avoiding remedial education or support can hinder your ability to improve; growth often requires engagement with the right resources.

Children sometimes define themselves solely by their weaknesses, so it is important to challenge this mindset and encourage a more balanced self-view. Self-awareness also involves recognizing the level of effort you invest in your projects. Ask yourself whether you are striving to do your best or merely getting by, and consider if you are conscious of the decisions you make regarding your strengths and challenges. Some may find it difficult to identify these aspects on their own. Typically, we guide children and teenagers to seek objective and constructive feedback to enhance their self-understanding, particularly if self-awareness is an area of weakness in their executive functioning. This feedback can provide valuable insights, helping them to recognize their abilities and areas for improvement more clearly. By fostering self-awareness, we empower individuals to navigate their personal and academic challenges with greater confidence and resilience.

Organisational skills.

Organisational skills are a crucial component of executive functioning. Being organised involves having a designated place for everything and ensuring that all items are in their proper locations. It also includes establishing a system—such as a method or routine—that helps your child or teen manage the items they need on a daily basis for specific classes while remaining aware of these systems.

Often, children tend to carry too many objects and need to learn how to streamline their belongings, ensuring they only take what is necessary. If your child frequently arrives at class with the wrong equipment, they may require support to enhance their organizational skills. For children who struggle in this area, we typically assist them in developing customized checklists and planning schedules. These tools help them know what to do and include training on how to review and organize their schoolbags effectively.

Flexibility.

Changes can occur in schedules, task parameters, and even your child’s ability to attend school or participate in after-school activities. How does your child respond to changes? Are they flexible, emotional, or rigid? Beyond maintaining schedules, it is important to develop flexibility in life—especially when situations do not unfold as we expect or feel comfortable with. For example, as the school year progresses, children may suddenly find a subject difficult that they previously found easy or required little effort.

I have observed that some neurodiverse children can read easily from a young age due to their extensive memory skills. However, around the age of 8 or 9, we may realise that they are unable to read phonetically and need to revert to basic reading skills. These setbacks are often short-lived but can be frustrating for individuals who were accustomed to reading with ease, only to discover that the material has become significantly more complicated.

Being flexible helps individuals cope with these situations effectively. Learning to manage shortcomings or mistakes can be challenging even for adults, but developing this skill is crucial for resilience and adaptation.

Emotional regulation.

Being able to understand and manage emotions is an important skill for children and teens. Sometimes, children struggle with anxiety, frustration, boredom, or anger, and these overwhelming feelings can interfere with their academic performance. For example, when a child experiences strong feelings of anxiety, they may perform poorly on formal assessments. Additionally, children may express intense emotions in ways that damage their relationships with friends or family. As social connections are vital, when a child’s emotions negatively impact their relationships, it can also affect their academic success.

Helping children develop emotional literacy skills—such as monitoring their reactions and recognising the thoughts they have during emotionally charged situations—can support the development of more regulated responses. Often, sessions with a counsellor or psychologist, as an objective observer, can be a valuable step for a child or teen to begin understanding their emotional world and their reactions to it.

Behavioural expectations.

Learning to behave constructively in specific situations is essential for successful studying, school attendance, and future employment. Knowing how to behave appropriately helps children become popular and remain connected to their community. Children who are unaware of social rules can be excluded, sometimes without understanding why.

Behaviour management is closely tied to emotional regulation. Children may feel angry, but if they start hitting or damaging property as a result, they are breaking social rules about how one is entitled to behave when upset. If your child frequently gets into trouble at school for not staying on task, and other children are instructing them on how to behave, both teachers and peers may become frustrated. Your child might explain the situation as “others are too boring and want to be nerds,” but from a psychological perspective, we consider four components:

Do they know the rules exist? (Are they unaware of social cues around behaviour?)
Do they knowingly want to break the rules? (Is there some oppositional behaviour present?)
Can they choose to follow the rules if they want to? (Are there other factors involved, such as sensory processing challenges?)
Are they avoiding the task altogether? (Is this a way to escape work they lack confidence in completing successfully?)

If we encounter a child who struggles to understand behavioural expectations, we will likely spend time investigating to uncover the underlying motivations, misinterpretation of cues, and possible adaptive avoidance strategies the child may be displaying.

Proactive initiative.

The ability to start a project without repeated prompting is an important skill for achieving academic success. Proactively managing a task is not just about beginning it; it also involves remembering that the task needs to be completed and taking an appropriate approach—such as breaking it down into steps, especially if the task is complex or involves multiple stages.

For example, producing a book report requires reading the book, making notes about the story and characters, drafting the report, and then finishing it. These steps can be divided into different tasks or days so that the project does not become too overwhelming.

Some children find starting a project—or figuring out how to begin—overwhelming. As a result, they may procrastinate and seemingly avoid the activity entirely. By helping children break a project into its component parts, we can support them in working through each step. They may not fully understand the parameters of the task, and assisting them in clarifying these components is especially beneficial for producing quality work at each stage of the process.

Sustained focus.

Having sustained focus across a task is important. Some children excel at starting a project, but their efforts tend to diminish as they encounter the more tedious or complex parts of an assignment. Maintaining focus and effort when tasks become lengthy or uninteresting is challenging, yet it is a key factor in long-term academic success. Consistency is essential for sustained progress.

For some children with attention difficulties, the middle phase of a project may require additional support to maintain engagement. If we encounter a child struggling to sustain focus, we may help them understand reinforcement schedules and teach them how to break a task into smaller, manageable parts. When dividing an assignment into smaller components, we work with the child’s developing attention span, allowing them to alternate periods of study, rest, and activity. Timers can assist in establishing realistic and achievable schedules.

In exploring reinforcement schedules, we might set up external rewards to help the child develop better attention spans during study time. For example, they could work for a set number of minutes, after which they earn a preferred activity, such as watching a favourite television programme or using the iPad. It is important to ensure that the reward scenario is appropriately balanced to motivate the child and ensure the work is completed.

Ideally, a child finds the “satisfaction of good work” to be its own reward. Sometimes, we need to help children recognise the value of a job well done and how it contributes positively to their self-esteem. We should aim to foster a healthy relationship between effort and outcome, encouraging a positive self-perception and avoiding the use of shame or blame as motivators.

Persistence or Stick-to-it-ness

This refers to the attitude of “sticking at something” without losing motivation, becoming overwhelmed, or giving up when the task becomes difficult. Children and teenagers can sometimes give up too easily, so we work with them to develop strategies that help them persevere when the going gets tough.

In addition to the act of quitting, children can become discouraged by their own perceptions of themselves. We aim to encourage children to remain persistent in the face of challenges, fostering an understanding that challenges are a part of life and that we can meet them with resilience. When they do, it boosts their self-esteem; however, this is often easier said than done.

Breaking persistence down into its components, we might examine what motivates the child, their beliefs about themselves, whether they possess problem-solving skills that can be applied to new situations, their self-awareness regarding the task, and their ability to self-soothe when situations become difficult. Typically, a personalised approach is developed for each individual to help overcome their specific obstacles to persistence.

Memory skills.

Working memory, in particular, supports children’s success at school. It is the dynamic system that helps them understand the requirements of a task while simultaneously holding and manipulating relevant information stored in long-term memory to complete that task.

Children may struggle to remember facts, processes, or formulas and may require training to improve their ability to retrieve information effectively. In some cases, more complex memory issues can lead to filing errors when attempting to organise and store information. Many memory difficulties can be addressed through targeted training.

When exploring memory challenges, we first focus on understanding how information is processed into memory, identifying which types of input are more difficult to remember. Once we have a clearer picture of these input challenges, we work on developing strategies to manipulate and access stored information more efficiently.

Sometimes, we utilise online tools or games designed to enhance working memory. Children with memory difficulties often experience feelings of low self-esteem attached to their challenges. They may compare themselves unfavourably to others, which can affect their confidence. It is important to support and boost their self-esteem as part of the process of improving their memory skills.

Goal Setting

Understanding the goal of a task, as well as overall goals at school and in life, helps children and teenagers focus their attention on activities that will be most beneficial to them. Learning isn’t just about normalising everyone or bringing them up to a passing standard; sometimes it involves recognising areas in which they excel and finding ways to stretch those strengths beyond what they thought possible.

Goal setting supports children and teenagers in reviewing their work, managing their time effectively, selecting appropriate mentors, and imagining what their lives could look like. If a child or teenager faces challenges in this area, we help them understand the purpose of goals and dreams, explore what is needed to pursue these aspirations, and learn how to work towards them with sustained effort.

Ideally, a child’s goals should be based on their individual strengths and interests, rather than solely on their parents’ or friends’ expectations. They might even consider creating their own personal board of directors to help them start achieving their dreams.

In conclusion, understanding and nurturing executive functioning skills is essential for children’s overall development and success. These skills—ranging from emotional regulation and organisational abilities to memory and persistence—play a pivotal role in helping children navigate academic challenges and social interactions. By fostering these competencies, we empower our children to build resilience, enhance their self-esteem, and achieve their personal and academic goals.

If you recognise that your child may be struggling with any aspect of executive functioning, we encourage you to reach out to the RED DOOR team. We are are here to assess your child’s executive functioning skills and provide tailored support to help them thrive. Together, we can unlock your child’s potential and pave the way for a brighter future filled with success and fulfilment. Don’t hesitate to contact us—at Angelaw@reddoor.hk to start a discussion.

About The Iron Fairies

RED DOOR Counselling: Group Counselling for women going through divorce in Hong Kong.

RED DOOR has been running The Iron Fairies – an English-language therapeutic support group for women going through divorce – for the past 9 years. The group meets in person twice a month at our office in Central.

Whether you are leaving a difficult marriage or have simply agreed to part ways, the impact on your mental and physical wellbeing can be overwhelming at times. This should not be underestimated or ignored. Going through a relationship breakdown, separation, or divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging periods of your life.

We understand that this can be an extremely isolating time, and you may need to talk openly about the fragile circumstances you are facing. Support groups provide a safe and confidential space to express your feelings without judgement. Attending these groups can help alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness associated with divorce.

The group is lead by an experienced counsellor who works as a marriage counsellor, individual counsellor, family therapist, divorce coach, and parental coordinator.

Cost – HKD 300 per session you attend. Please bring cash when you come

Frequency – Iron Fairies runs 2 x a month, usually on one Monday night and one Fridya night. The latest schedule is at the end of this page.

Time – THe group runs 6:30-8pm

Location: RED DOOR Counselling , Unit 301, 3rd Floor, SunWise Building, 112-114 Wellington Street, Central

Added value: , The Iron Fairies has a WhatsApp group for women who have attended a session in person. You can only join the WhatsApp group after meeting Angela in person or attending a session.

Please note: You must have made the decision to divorce before joining The Iron Fairies.

Upcoming sessions

Session dates and outlines

Monday 13 October 2025 – Grief created by divorce – structured group

Friday 24 October 2025 – structured group topic – representing yourself in court

Monday 10 November 2025 – unstructured group – general catch up

Friday 27 November 2025 – structured group – setting goals for today and beyond

Monday 8 December 2025 – unstructured group – potential Christmas celebration

Understanding Parental Alienation in Divorce: What It Is, Why It’s Harmful, and How to Address It

Divorce can be a challenging and emotional process for everyone involved—especially for children. One of the often overlooked but deeply damaging issues that can arise during and after divorce is parental alienation. Understanding what it is, why it’s harmful, and what you can do about it is crucial for protecting your child’s well-being and maintaining healthy relationships.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent, whether intentionally or unintentionally, influences a child to reject or distance themselves from the other parent. This can happen through harmful behaviours such as bad-mouthing the other parent, restricting contact, or fuelling negative feelings towards them. This creates a conflict of loyalty that the child must unfairly navigate.

It may manifest as the child refusing to spend time with the targeted parent, rejecting their messages or gifts, or expressing unfounded suspicions or hatred. It is developmentally important that a child has the opportunity to build a relationship with both parents.

While some disagreements during divorce are normal, parental alienation involves manipulative tactics that distort the child’s perception of the other parent, often to the benefit of the alienating parent.

Why Is Parental Alienation Harmful?

The effects of parental alienation are profoundly damaging—for both the child and the targeted parent:

  • Emotional Trauma: Children subjected to parental alienation may experience confusion, guilt, depression, or anxiety. They often feel torn between their parents and may suffer identity issues.
  • Damaged Parent-Child Relationship: The targeted parent’s relationship with the child can deteriorate, leading to feelings of loss, rejection, and helplessness.
  • Long-term Effects: Parental alienation can impact a child’s ability to form healthy relationships in the future, fostering distrust or difficulties in trusting others. Children coerced into manipulation through triangulation may also face issues with co-dependency in their own romantic relationships.
  • Academic Impact: The emotional challenges at home can lead to social withdrawal at school and impair the child’s academic performance.

Additionally, parental alienation can escalate conflict, prolong legal battles, and create a toxic environment detrimental to the child’s development. It costs parents financially and harms the child’s mental health.

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

If you suspect or know that parental alienation is happening, here are some steps you can take:

  1. Recognise the Signs
    Be alert to behaviours such as your child refusing contact without valid reasons, parroting negative comments about you, or being manipulated into rejecting you. Keep track of any changes in your child’s attitude or behaviour.
  2. Maintain Communication with Your Child
    Keep open, honest, and age-appropriate conversations. Reassure your child of your love and support, and encourage them to share their feelings freely. Even if they refuse to see you, keep the door open with cards or small gestures.
  3. Seek Professional Help
    A family therapist or mental health professional experienced in parental alienation can work with your child and help you address the situation. Requesting family therapy as part of the divorce process may benefit everyone. Collaborating with your ex-partner — with the child’s best interests at heart — is often helpful.
  4. Refrain from Bad-Mouthing the Other Parent
    Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child. Instead, promote a positive relationship and emphasise that they are loved by both parents. Be particularly sensitive if you inadvertently ask your child to pick sides—that’s unfair. Your child is entitled to both a mum and a dad, and they should not feel forced to choose one to feel secure.
  5. Document Incidents
    Keep records of any concerning behaviours, communications, or instances of alienation. This documentation can be useful if legal intervention becomes necessary.
  6. Consult Legal Professionals
    If parental alienation affects custody arrangements or the child’s safety, consult a solicitor specialising in family law. Courts can sometimes order counselling, supervised visitation, or other measures to protect the child’s best interests.
  7. Prioritise the Child’s Well-Being
    Above all, focus on your child’s emotional health. Create an environment of love, stability, and open communication wherever possible. Remember, in divorce, strive to be the best parent you can be.

I often advise parents to imagine their child, in the future, telling their partner about the story of their childhood. Consider how they might say, “The thing I most admired about my mum is ________,” or “Even when things got tough, I respect that my dad did ________.” How would you feel if your child believed you turned them against their other parent just to protect your feelings?

Final Thoughts

Parental alienation is a serious issue that can have lasting effects on a child’s mental health and family relationships. Recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps can help preserve the bond between children and their targeted parent. Remember, seeking help from professionals and keeping the child’s best interests at heart are key to overcoming these challenges.

If you’re facing parental alienation, know that support is available. You don’t have to navigate this difficult situation alone—reach out to legal and mental health professionals to help you and your child through this process.

What You Can Do If Your Divorce Involves Financial Abuse

Divorce is often an emotionally challenging process. For some, it can become even more complicated when financial abuse is involved. Financial abuse is a form of control and manipulation that can leave victims drained, confused, and vulnerable—making the divorce process even more difficult. It may have existed throughout the marriage or only surfaced during separation. Unfortunately, many women in Hong Kong struggle to fund their divorce due to financially abusive behaviors by their ex-partners. Knowing what steps to take is essential.

What Is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse occurs when one partner uses money or financial resources to exert power and control over the other. During divorce, these tactics can escalate, hindering the victim’s ability to achieve financial independence or protect their assets.

Common tactics of financial abuse include:

  • Withholding money or access to funds to prevent one party from leaving or maintaining control
  • Controlling all financial decisions, even after separation
  • Stealing, hiding, or manipulating assets
  • Refusing to pay shared debts or expenses
  • Sabotaging credit scores or financial opportunities to limit future borrowing or employment options
  • Using money demands as leverage in family matters—e.g., withholding access to children unless paid for holidays or other demands

Recognizing the Signs of Financial Abuse During Separation or Divorce

Be alert for these warning signs:

  • Sudden changes in access to bank accounts or funds
  • Neglect or refusal to pay shared bills
  • Lack of awareness about joint financial details
  • Manipulation or withholding of financial information
  • Feeling intimidated or threatened regarding money matters
  • Demands for financial arrangements tied to child care or visitation

Awareness of these signs is the first step toward taking action and protecting yourself.

How to Protect Yourself During Divorce — 10 Essential Considerations

If you suspect or know you are experiencing financial abuse, consider these steps to safeguard your financial well-being:

1. Gather Financial Documentation
Start collecting all relevant records—bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, property deeds, loan documents—as early as possible. Store copies securely, in a safe physical location or encrypted digital storage inaccessible to your partner.

2. Open Personal Financial Accounts
If you share accounts, consider opening your own bank and credit accounts. This helps establish your own financial independence.

3. Seek Legal Advice
Consult with a lawyer experienced in divorce and financial abuse cases. A knowledgeable lawyer can guide you on protecting assets, understanding your legal rights, and pursuing remedies if abuse occurs.

4. Develop a Safety Plan
If you feel threatened or unsafe, create a safety plan that includes emergency contacts, a safe place to stay, and steps to take if your situation escalates. Never hesitate to prioritize your safety and that of your children.

5. Document Everything
Keep detailed records of agreements and communications with your ex-partner. Save emails, texts, or messages threatening your finances or demanding inappropriate arrangements. Share these with your lawyer, especially if protective orders are necessary.

6. Secure Your Financial Future
Work with legal counsel to ensure a fair division of assets and debts. Engage a financial advisor to understand your financial standing and plan ahead. Consider consulting a career coach or counselor about building a side income or expanding your vocational skills to foster long-term independence.

7. Limit Shared Access
Change passwords and restrict access to shared accounts. Avoid sharing sensitive financial information unless absolutely necessary, especially during legal proceedings.

8. Consider Protective Orders
In cases of coercion or control, requesting a protective order can provide legal safeguards. While lawyer fees may seem high, they often offer the best approach to balancing your needs and securing your rights.

9. Focus on Your Future
Despite the difficulties, actively work toward a new, secure future for yourself and your family. Support from legal professionals, support organizations, and mental health counselors can make this journey more manageable.

10. Seek Support
Divorce is tough, and facing it alone makes it harder. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. In Hong Kong, RED DOOR’s Iron Fairies offers therapeutic support specifically for women going through divorce, helping them find healing and empowerment. For more about Iron Fairies, check out the related blog links below.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling Hong Kong. Angela runs the Iron Fairies, Hong Kong’s therapeutic support group for women going through divorce.

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“Paw”sing for Grief

Having a pet is a wonderful experience. They become beloved members of our families and bring joy and companionship into our lives. Unfortunately, like all living beings, pets will someday pass away. Sometimes, we need to end their suffering; at other times, they simply grow old. Loss can be especially painful if your pet dies suddenly in an accident.

The death of any pet—regardless of how it occurs—is deeply painful. It’s important to acknowledge your loss, out of respect for both yourself and your beloved companion.

Here are six recommendations to help you heal from the pain you experience when a pet dies:

1. Recognize and Respect Your Feelings

The loss of a cherished animal companion is significant. Allow yourself to feel sad. Cry if you need to. Don’t rush through your grief. Be wary of well-meaning but dismissive comments like, “Get over it— it was just a dog/cat.” Remember, your pet was a loved family member. Grief often comes in waves—initially intense and overwhelming, gradually softening over time. Years later, unexpected waves of sadness may still wash over you.

2. Talk About It

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up or feel guilty about sharing your sorrow. Friends and family can provide invaluable support during this time. Even if you don’t fully understand someone’s grief, showing empathy is meaningful. If a friend has lost a pet, offer your support and listen compassionately.

3. Memorialize Your Pet

Create a small memorial to honor your pet. Share photos, stories, and memories. This act of remembrance helps maintain a connection with your beloved animal, especially during the painful days following their passing. You might also write a letter expressing gratitude and love, which can be especially helpful for children. Writing provides a creative outlet for sadness and reinforces that your pet’s memory continues to live on. For children, drawing pictures of their pet or even receiving a letter from their pet can be comforting. I remember when my young child struggled with the sudden loss of our dog, Milo—I even wrote a humorous “letter from Milo” about his adventures in heaven, which brought smiles and comfort.

4. Practice Rituals

Engage in rituals to honor your pet. In Chinese tradition, during the Hungry Ghost Festival, people burn paper models of comforts like clothes, cars, or gadgets to support their loved ones in the afterlife. You can adapt this idea for your pet—drawing or creating paper representations of their favorite toys or foods. For example, I once sent Milo a paper steak to avoid the diet he jokingly “needed” in heaven. These rituals create a sense of ongoing connection and help process grief.

5. Allow Space for Your Grief

Avoid rushing to replace your pet with another right away. Doing so can confuse children and suggest that grief is something to be avoided or that feelings should be suppressed. Instead, when you’re ready, discuss with your family about welcoming another pet—this thoughtful approach ensures everyone is prepared to form a new bond without dismissing the depth of their feelings.

6. Nurture Yourself and Your Family

Losing a pet is often devastating. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones during this difficult time. Remember, you have lost a dear friend and part of your family. Respect your emotions and honor the love and companionship your pet shared with you.


PetLoss #Grief #Healing #Support #HonoringMemories #PetLove #Bereavement

 

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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, addiction recovery, career change, stress management and divorce. 

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Your mental health contributes to your longevity

Does your mental health and  emotional health contribute to living a long happy life?

Most of us know some of the elements that contribute to our physical health and potential longevity such as maintaining healthy weight, managing your cholesterol, regular exercise, and preventative checking for cancers.

Emotional health and physical health are closely intertwined in ways that mainstream medicine is starting to recognise. Part of being healthy will require good emotional mental health.

Making positive choices can contribute to greater longevity, and more enjoyment in life. Conversely, some choices, and conditions unfortunately can take time away, and make time harder for us.

In this article we look at those conditions and behaviours that can give us more time, and also take time from us. We don’t control exactly how much time we have on earth, but we can have some power on our time we have, and how enjoyable that time is.

Losing time – conditions that compromise our ability to live long, fruitful lives.

Our emotional health, and threats to our emotional health, can compromise our longevity. Whilst a psychiatric condition such as stress, depression, anxiety, may have developed because of your circumstances, they are not your fault. However dealing with those conditions becomes your responsibility.

Psychiatric disorders

Serious mental illnesses such as psychosis, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia can leave individuals more prone to suicide, and also more likely to being placed in situations where their physical safety may be compromised. Whilst these conditions are usually quite rare, compared to depression and anxiety, illnesses such a bipolar or schizophrenia disorder appear in about 0.5 of most countries populations [3]. In Hong Kong, documentation of these disorders is not current, but reports as recent as 2017, detail that requests for psychiatric services continues to grow from 187,000 requests in 2011-2012 to 220,000 cases in 2015-2016 [2]. And these numbers predate the COVID pandemic.  The COVID pandemic may have exacerbated negative mental health situations for many people in Hong Kong,

The presence of a serious psychiatric disorder adds to the individual, and their family’s’ experience of stress and depression. Additionally, it is difficult to medically treat these conditions so people who are hospitalised may possibly be over medicated, and many of these medications can cause harm to the individual (whilst they are also calming them). Balancing the benefit/cost of psychiatric medications is a complicated situation.

Depression

We use the term “depression” so flippantly we often forget that being depressed for some people is a long term, severe illness which robs them of all enjoyment, and sometimes leads individuals to thoughts of death. Depression affects about 3% of the population of Hong Kong [2].

Unfortunately, around 1000 people choose to take their lives in Hong Kong every year (1) . All of these deaths are tragedies. Its worth noting that, on average, 20% of the suicides in Hong Kong are people over the age of 65 years of age, and about 13% are individuals under 24 years of age. We need to take depression in individuals seriously and provide comprehensive treatment, especially for these more vulnerable populations.

Depression can lead to a fast death, but it can also contribute to a slow death. For individuals with persistent and severe depression some of the aspects of their depressive experience will affect their physical health to the extent that this can influence their physical health and possibly length of life, even in the absence of suicidal ideation or tendencies.

Such behaviours include lethargy, especially long periods, in bed, poor eating habits (both too much and too little) and the impact of poor self-care and hygiene. These are common elements of depression and maintain depression, and have negative impact on blood pressure, metabolism, movement and overall physical health.

People who are persistently depressed need help. The condition of depression is corrosive and controlling over the thought patterns of those trapped in this situation. Some depressed people seem think that they will wake up one day and be motivated to feel better. They are simply waiting for motivation to “kick in”. This is not what happens. Recovery from depression takes work under expert guidance.

Treatment of depression can involve medication, talk therapy, and behavioural interventions. If you  have been feeling any of the following symptoms for more than a few weeks, I urge you to contact a counsellor or GP to discuss treatment options.

Symptoms of depression:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
  • Irritability
  • Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
  • Excessive fatigue
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
  • Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Changes in appetite or weight
  • Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
  • Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
  • Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.

Stress

Being stressed is a emotional mental health challenge that may affect your longevity and the quality of enjoyment you experience. Being stressed can place undue stress on your heart. Stressful events can be sudden stressful life events such as seeing an accident or the death of a loved one. Sometimes stress is more chronic, an accumulation and persistence of stressful events such as relationship split up, moving house, and a stressful job. A common assessment of stress, Holmes-Rahe-Stress-inventory [4] can help you check if your experience of stress is at such a level that it is likely that you will start experiencing challenges to your physical health.

Unfortunately, those under excessive stress can doubling impact on their physical health through associated compromising lifestyle choices, such a avoidance of exercise, poor diet, poor sleep and self-medication through pills or substances. All of these behaviours make the experience of stress worse, and also threaten the physical health of a person.


Substance addictions

Alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, stimulates, beta blockers – all of these can be dangerous to our physical health. Introducing dangerous levels of toxins into our bodies on a regular basis, can affect the way our body processes these toxins. Additionally, addiction itself, to behaviours and substances traps us in a cycle of shame that can lead to depression.  Taking a break from alcohol and other addictive substances can be, literally, lifesaving for many people.

Adding time – choices that can extend life, and the enjoyment of it.

Good help.

Individuals can have a propensity to think to muddle through when they are anxious, stressed or depressed. Something about your lifestyle, thinking processes, or stress levels, is quite possibly prohibiting you from seeing stressful situations realistically. An expert, outside of yourself, can help you see that situation in the way that helps you better process what what has happened, and what can be done. Sometimes individuals who feel down, are stressed, or are self-medicating need to vent, sometimes they need to change.

Consider counselling. Ask your counsellor how they see your current life situation and what you, as a team, can do to alter how you have been feeling. If your counsellor can’t answer this question for you, you are completely entitled, even encouraged, to talk to another counsellor. Counsellor – patient chemistry is an important predictor of positive outcomes.

Dial down your reactivity

Some people are like simmering pots of anger. It doesn’t take much for those pots to boil over. Does this describe you?

Emotional health is the consequence of being able to regulate your emotions. Peter Attia in his masterpiece book on longevity, Outlive, writes, “90% of male rage is helplessness masquerading as frustration”. If you are quick to anger, tears or frustration, you may benefit from working on emotional regulation.

Regulating your emotion requires an attention to the triggers, forces and thoughts that drive your reactions to circumstances. In counselling we unpack your reactions to dissect what you really experienced and believed about a situation and explore how the lessons you have learnt from your past, and the fears that you have about your future, intersect at the way you choose to react. If you feel as if your emotions are out of control, or can’t even feel emotions any more, counselling is for you.

Adopt flexible perspectives

We can all get trapped in our thought patterns and many times we do not look at situations as flexibly as we could. Cognitive filters are thinking errors that make us look at situations from certain perspectives. We grow into using cognitive filters as a means to, we believe, efficiently assess situations. However filters can become problematic and can make us less happy.  

For example, we often compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. When people compare themselves to other people often, they are often misguided in their assessment of both how “lucky/successful” the other person is, as well as a “how unlucky/unsuccessful” we are. When we enter a situation from a rigid black vs white perspectives we tend to think that only one party can be correct, whilst the other must be wrong. Actually, many situations are much more nuanced that we first appreciate and sometimes focusing on you vs someone else means everyone loses.

Read our attached blog to read more about cognitive filters. Change your thinking – change your life.

In order to overcome cognitive filters we need to capture, review and re-frame our perspectives. In therapy we use cognitive flexibility exercises in order to help clients re-frame their experience in ways that helps them become less reactive, and calmer.

Working to develop more flexible thoughts around situations can help you build a different set of responses to situations. The next time you find yourself reacting problematically to a situation consider some of the questions outlined below. These are some of the questions I use when working with clients on their cognitive flexibility.

Embracing age as a gift

Positive age beliefs serve as a barrier against stress. Being accepting or positive about growing older can affect how contented you are as you grow older. Fixating on your age, negative self talk that  you are “over it” of “old and frumpy” will make you feel bad. Think about your self-dialogue as a meal that you consume. If you only feed yourself negative commentary, how can you expect to feel good?

Connect to protect

The central tenet of Waldinger and Schulz’s 2023 book, The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness, is that good relationships, keep us healthier and happier. Good relationships, friendships and romantic relationships, protect us about the impact of negative events in our lives. Negative events are going to happen. No one completely avoids emotional hardships, what gets us through is the quality of our relationships.

Do you have the relationships you want, or infact need in your life? If not, what can you do to build new and better friendships. Our blog on friendships may help you on this matter.

You can take charge of your future. You don’t have to wait for your mood to improve to engage in change. And you can feel differently, exist differently, and live better (and longer)

About the author. Angela Watkins was named Hong Kong’s best therapist. Angela works with adults and teens to help them build better lives – including relationship recovery, building positive self esteem, overcoming depression, quietening anxiety, getting stuff done, and recovery from trauma. To contact Angela for therapy email Angelaw@reddoor.hk

If you want to read more on the topic of longevity consider reading some of these books:

Attia, P (2023). Outlive: The science and art of longevity. Harmony Books. New York

Gratton, L & Scott, A. (2016) The 100-year life: Living and working the in age of longevity. Bloombury. London.

Greger, M. & Stone, G. (2015). How not to die. Flatiron books.

Levy, B. (2022) Breaking the age code: How your beliefs about aging determine how long and well you live. Harper Collins. Sydney.

Ni, M (2006) Secrets of Longevity

Waldinger, R. & Schulz, M. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster. New York.

The Emotional Piggy Bank: Building an enriched relationship

In order to make your relationship last, you need to ensure you have a full emotional piggy bank.

John Gottman, landmark couples counsellor and relationship researcher, studied thousands of couples exploring the difference between happy and unhappy couples. There are some notable differences.

Happy couples engage positively with one another and show interest in each other’s lives. Happy couples are generous in spirit towards towards each other. They try to understand each other’s world. Happy couples spend time together – connecting. When these couples experience conflict they use strategies to stay positive towards each other, see the conflict as an issue for them to resolve (e.g.you and I versus the problem) and work towards resolution.

Unhappy couples don’t do these things.

In couples counselling we often introduce the Gottman concept of the Emotional piggy bank. To help couples better realise the deposits, investments and withdrawals their actions within the marriage represent.

When our relationship’s emotional piggy bank is full, couples able more likely to be able to be generous in spirit towards each other when they encounter tricky situations.

For example. Imagine your partner, John, said he would call you at 3pm to talk about an important topic. The designated time to call comes and goes, with no message or call.

If you have a full emotional piggybank, you might react in such a manner: “I guess that big project John has been worrying about has taken off and he’s lost track of time. I know he cares about me and our issue so I’ll remind him later and we will find a new time to talk”.

Conversely, if your relationship’s emotional piggy bank is running near empty you may have no good will to help you see the situation with generosity. The aggrieved partner in that instance might think: “John did it again. He never cares about anyone by himself. He just expects me to wait by the phone like some loser. Well, not this time!”

An emotional piggy bank needs to run with a healthy balance. You and your partner need to be making deposits, and checking the impact of withdrawals.

How can you make deposits into your relationship’s emotional piggy bank?

The following activities constitute a deposit into your emotional piggy bank:

  • Giving and receiving affection from each other. Not just sex.
  • Spending quality time with together doing activities that you both enjoy
  • Learning about each other’s world.
  • Performing acts of kindness for each other – even little things like grabbing a coffee for them in the morning, running them a bath, or buying special snacks that they love for your movie night.
  • Expressing gratitude towards your partner for the kindness and support they provide to you.
  • Complimenting your partner. Make sure these are authentic and show you have been paying attention. For example, “I really admire the way you acted on your work call. It sounds like your boss is a lot to handle”. Or, “I really like that shirt on you, it goes well with your eyes”.
  • Keeping promises that you made is important to help your partner know you can be trusted
  • Apologizing when you have done something wrong.
  • Giving your partner support when they are having a tough time

You also need to be careful of withdrawals. If you make too many withdrawals or make careless withdrawals from the emotional piggy bank, there may be very little good will in times of crisis.

Some behaviours that harm your relationships emotional piggy bank including:

  • Insults and disrespectful comments
  • Criticism of your partner
  • Avoiding engaging with your partner
  • Neglecting your partner
  • Brushing of your partner’s kind gestures
  • Ignoring the emotional impact of your behaviour
  • Shouting or Scolding
  • Lying to your partner
  • Gossiping about or slandering your partner to others
  • Breaking promises you made to your partner

Please note: Aggression of any type – this is much only a withdrawal, this is a threat to the safety of people in your relationships.

What can you do to change the dynamic and build a better emotional piggy bank?

Respond rather than react

Do you find that you react to situations, rather than respond calmly. Often this is because of the manner you interpret situations? Do you later feel ashamed that you over reacted to a situation? Before you react to your partners actions stop and think what response would you later be proud of, versus reactions that you might regret. A counsellor can help you understand your reactive patterns and learn to interpret situations in a more cognitively flexible manner.

Appraise your level of investment

Many couples do not spend enough time with each other, and the emotional piggy bank is empty because they neglect each other, or the relationship becomes focused on day to day functionality, rather than fun or connection.

Are you spending enough time with your partner focused on each other, rather than the kids or an exhaustive to-do list?

A good relationship is an active rather than passive activity. Stop thinking this is the relationship you have, and start taking the action to make it the relationship you want. Firstly, acknowledge that you could be kinder towards each other and start to think of what this might look like. Secondly, think about securing some time to spend together, once a week, or at least once a month.

Spend time getting to know each other

Great relationships are, at their core, great friendships. Remember back to the beginning of your relationship. You probably spent a lot of time asking questions about your partner, and were thirsty for knowledge about how they interpret the world. This curiosity often diminishes with time, to the detriment of your relationship. Be curious again.

When was the last time you sat down and spent time learning about your partners world. If you don’t know what to ask, the list below is a great place to start.

Practice preferences

People have preferences. Some people like to receive gifts. Other prefer to spend time together. Do you know how your partner likes to receive love? People often give love in the manner that they, personally would like to receive it, rather than checking what their partner wants. This misunderstanding can mean that your kind actions are not

The two following quiz links might help you better understand how your partner wants to receive love, and the type of apology they like to receive. So many people get caught up waiting for the “right” apology, it might be helpful for you to know what your partner thinks are the components of a good apology.

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

_________________

About the author. Angela Watkins is a counsellor for individuals and couples working in Hong Kong. If you’d like to improve your romantic relationship consider working with Angela or other members of the RED DOOR team. Contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

#emotionalpiggybank

#relationshipgoals

#conflictresolution

#relationships

#love

#relationshipimprovement

Burnout – it’s no joke

Feeling stressed at work from time to time is a normal experience throughout our working career. Experiencing some stress is useful in building our capacity to deal with challenges, learn new skills, improve resilience, and solve problems. Indeed, without some element of healthy stress, we risk becoming demotivated and disengaged in our job responsibilities. However, experiencing work-stress that is severe and over a long period of time can drastically overwhelm our ability to cope and lead to burnout.

Burnout is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion. It is a harmful and serious condition caused by the body’s response to prolonged chronic stressors in the workplace. Globally, burnout cases continue to rise with debilitating and far-reaching impacts felt by companies and governments, as well as individual sufferers, their families, friends and work colleagues.

Some of these signs and symptoms can include the following:

  • Persistent sense of being overwhelmed
  • Feeling utterly depleted, useless, trapped or defeated
  • Feeling isolated and alone
  • Excessive fatigue
  • Thoughts of hopelessness or cynicism
  • Irritability
  • Procrastination, difficulty focusing and taking longer to complete tasks
  • Perpetual self-doubt

Burnout is impossible to simply ‘snap out’ of. As a condition that develops over a period of prolonged exposure to workplace stress, sufferers need time and support to embark on the road to recovery – from recognising the problem, addressing issues, developing healthy coping strategies, building resilience in order to recover and get back on track.

Companies play an important role in avoiding burnout risk by building healthy workplaces and cultures, with well-designed jobs and structures to match employees’ needs, but where gaps emerge, individuals can benefit from understanding and managing resilience against stress.

If you or are tracking low on the resilience continuum and experiencing burnout, what treatments are available? Treatments can include talk therapy and medical interventions, often including anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications, but there needs to also be change in workplace structures, job-design, or culture that caused the source of stress. There is no “one-size-fits-all” plan for treatment. It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best.

How do you cope if you are experience burnout?

Burnout is caused by the persistent experience of stress without being able to cope. Implementing stress management techniques will be of help to treat your burnout. Common aspects of a stress management plan include the following.

Challenging your thinking filters

Whilst some work experiences invariably include some toxic practices and/or people, sometimes our experience of stress is created by our personal perceptions of a situation. For example, if you hold onto black and white thinking you will be prone to judge yourself and others more in stressful situations. If you tend to filter information and feedback you may feel, unjustly, negatively about yourself when mistakes occur. For a full assessment of your thinking filters read our RED DOOR blog on this topic.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness helps to develop greater personal awareness. Its practice teaches individuals to be more aware of their thought processes and reactions in the present moment. So instead of racing ahead in a negative thought cycle a person  is more likely to be able to think in a more removed manner, noticing patterns in their reactions and being able to view situations in terms of their typical reactions and the potential costs and benefits of those reactions in the past. This ‘mindful overview” promotes understanding of being in charge of one own emotions and behaviours. To find out more about mindfulness see one of our blogs on this topic, attached below.

Time management

The perception that we do not have enough time to do the work we have to do, creates stress. The art of managing the activities, priorities and sequencing of events in our lives can be taught. If you feel that you are not utilizing your time as well as you could, consider reading books on this topic or talking to a performance coach to help you better set your priorities.

Emotional regulation and support

If you are feeling overwhelmed and emotional you need to consider how you can better regulate volatile or oppressive emotions. The best way to do this is to talk to someone about how you are feeling. The more experienced and qualified that person is to help you disseminate your emotions the better. Consider counselling. A good counsellor can help you process some of your emotional experiences, understand your responsibilities and build resilience to deal with challenging circumstances.

Avoid addictive distractions

When we are stressed, we may become prone to self-medicating or distracting ourselves from our stress. Occasionally those distractions can actually maintain our experience of stress, or create new stresses for us to have to deal with. For example, alcohol is well recognized as a depressant. Paradoxically people often engage in drinking, to excess, to numb their stress. However over time alcohol robs us of our ability to produce dopamine efficiently, making us depressed.

Time distractions such a gambling and gaming can become problems because they create new problems such a financial problems or cutting us off from face to face social time with friends and family, which may help us mediate our experience of stress.

Build social support

Social supports – friends and family help us navigate tough times. In our RED DOOR research of the experience of stress among lawyers in Hong Kong, many of our senior lawyers managed their stress by talking to friends or family. The quality of these relationships is important. Do you have the quantity or quality of friends that you need. Recent (2022/2023) observations in our clinic highlighted that people in Hong Kong may benefit from building new friendships. As adults we sometimes are unsure how to build new friends. If this describes your experience then, consider reading our blog on this topic.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle – including sleep.

When we are stressed we often call into behaviours that compromise our health status. When we are under pressure these healthy behaviours protect us. Maintaining an exercise regime, eating well, and sleeping well (at least 8-10 hours) will help your body deal with stress hormones, and allow you to heal after the pressure has lifted.

Communication patterns

Poor communication can place a lot of pressure on your and those that you need to communicate with. When communication is unclear you can end up guessing what another person wants from you (perhaps incorrectly). It is difficult to work in organisations that tolerate vague or inauthentic communications. What can you do?

Learn to communicate effectively and assertively. There are many books on this topic that you could explore. Assertive communication involves being confident (not aggressive) in your messaging, acting rationally as an adult, being respectful to others in the communication and being clear about what you can, and cannot do. There are a number of Instagram accounts celebrating understanding corporate culture and how to express yourself effectively. Checkout @loewhaley to gain some insights.

Ultilise relaxation techniques

A range of relaxation techniques can help lower your experience of stress. You can use apps such a calm to find guided relaxation exercises, or go to a yoga class. You can also consider incorporating 15 minutes of colouring into your daily routine to reduce some of your experience of stress. Remember this practice needs to be regular, even daily, to help.

Consider anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications

Many clients are hesitant to take up medications for treatment due to concerns about becoming dependent, potential negative side-effects, and stigma. It is not an easy decision to undertake. Talk to your GP about these medications to see if you can explore some of these fears. If you have tried behavioural and psychological approaches with no success, you might need to consider medications to start help reduce your experience of stress just enough that those behavioural or psychological techniques can start to gain traction.

Burnout is no joke. If you find yourself completely exhausted it is time for a change, and the most effective type of change is going to involve exploring your responses to and relationship with stress. You can feel better.

About the author: Angela Watkins is the head counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling. She offers individual counselling to adults, including those working through workplace topics such as conflict resolution, moving from good to great, burnout, and career change contemplation.

How can we help teens who self-harm?

selfharm

It is natural to be concerned if your teen is engaging in self-harming behaviours such as cutting or burning themselves.

Harming oneself is considered is a serious mental health issue in itself. Self-harm is also often  a  component of other psychological mental health issues such as clinical depression, dissociative disorders, eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

Self-harming as a practice  usually starts in the mid teen years, and mayvcontinue for years, if therapy or treatment is not successful.  

People who have a history of self-harm sometimes may also develop suicidal ideation (contemplating suicide), although this is not always the case.

Potential causes of self-harming practices can include traumatic events including child abuse, stressors such as bullying, family tensions and living under the perception of extreme pressure.  The teen considering harming themselves, may feel lonely, out of control, invisible, and overcome with a deep sense of self-loathing. They are quite likely to have over reactive emotions, to the extent that their reactions can sometimes seem extreme, or such that they seem numb, from previously feeling worries too strongly.

The teenage years can typically be a period of emotional sensitivity which is why self-harming behaviours may emerge at this time. Children who are extremely sensitive, prone to lashing out, have poor impulse control or hold catastrophic perspectives, are more prone to pursue behaviours such as self-harm.

The desire to cut is often in response to emotional situations or the thoughts attached to those situations. The world seems too much, too painful, too difficult. Cutting can be an act of externalising the experience of internal pain, remind the teen that they are alive, or even a punishment for behaviours they judged as shameful. When we treat such teens in therapy, we try to help teens deal with their situation and their emotions, and gain back a sense of emotional regulation, essentially an ability to manage their oversensitive emotions.  

Understanding and regulating emotion can be taught. Therapists aim to teach their clients to observe and correctly label emotions, developing emotional literacy. It is important to change the channel internally. Teens can be taught to  utilise a non-judgmental internal dialogue to learn to respond to emotionally charged situations in a different manner than they have in the past.

Typical reassurances that parents may engage such as telling kids to stop, calm down, model themselves after another person, exercise more, or “try to get over it/forget about it”, typically do not work well with emotionally oversensitive people. This is because these teens need to first learn how to understand their personal relationships with the world, before assurances and suggestions may make any impact.

Therapy techniques such as DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can be effective treatment options for teens who are emotionally charged.  These therapies are often data based, and help teens learn to read their own patterns of thoughts and behaviours through emotional monitoring, thought logs, and response adjustments. A simplified version of this process is described below.

Emotional monitoring can be taught to both children and adults. There are many tools to help people correctly identify and label emotions. Physical experiences such as tension, butterflies in the stomach, headache, clenched jaw are also detailed. Correctly helping identify the expression and experience of an emotion helps the client associate particular thoughts patterns associated with those emotions, or simply help them notice that they feel emotions they thought they had “lost”. Many teens confuse feeling anxious with feeling angry and hence respond by lashing out, rather than behaviours that may help them calm down.

Thought patterns are essential to associate with certain emotions. These thought patterns may have been learnt over many years and may include catastrophising (this is the worst thing ever!) , negative comparisons (She is so cool, I am such a loser) , mind reading ee my blog on common thinking errors). By catching these thoughts in action. Essentially people are taught to catch these thinking patterns and reflect upon them from alternative perspectives. They may be asked to keep a log of negative events and how they felt about those events so that they can be discussed in terms of creating a more rational perspective on the situation being reviewed.

For example, a bad event will be compared with other events to help the client understand its relative importance. A particular teen may consider getting a “C” grade on a test a major tragedy. That teen could be asked to asked to rate it out of ten, and gives it a seven, the therapist might ask what would be a 10. Typically, a score of 10 may be allocated to a severely traumatic event such as death of a loved one. The therapist then asks, what would be a 9? A nine might be chronic illness or injury. The process continues, and the therapist will ask, “Does getting a C still represent a seven out of ten?” Usually using such perspective tools helps client’s better rate the bad event into a more realistic context.

Once thought patterns and perspectives have been regularly assessed cognitive reframing and discourse can be utilised to create a new set of responses. For example in the case given previously, a teen who performs badly on a test, and may have self-harmed as a punishment of perceived poor performance, can learn to talk themselves about the realistic importance of each grade, the steps that they can take to explain or overcome poor grades, ways to study better. Different behaviours, not cutting or self-harming.

During this whole process (which is greatly simplified here), very little judgement is given regarding the actual self-harming behaviour. That behaviour is attached to a range of emotions and thoughts. Instead of challenging the self-harm behaviour directly, and potentially driving the behaviour underground or increasing feelings of shame around that behaviour, we recommend addressing the root of the problem, and learn better emotional regulation. Emotional regulation, hopefully, leads to a better long- term solution, less shame, and more resilience.

If you have a teen who is self-harming please consider counselling for them immediately. The earlier you start to challenge the underlying emotions, the better.

 

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens and adults in Hong Kong. To contact Angela email angelaw@reddoor.hk or send a whatsapp to +852-93785428.

#selfharm

#selfinjury

#reddoor

#teenmentalhealth

#mentalhealth

#emotions

Social skills: the upside, the downside, and the death of a hamster

social skills

Social skills help individuals interact effectively with one another. We communicate our needs, wants and perspectives through verbal speech as well as non-verbal cues (gestures, facial expressions, and body positioning).

There are many benefits that are associated with having strong social skills. There are also potential negative implications of having skills that are underdeveloped or impaired.

The upside:

For those lucky enough to have developed strong social skills you will find that your mental health is protected, or even boosted, because of at least three potential benefits.

Effective communication benefits.

Being in possession of good social skills often translates to being seen as having good communication capabilities. This is more in reference to being aware of certain nuances in situations rather than possessing expansive linguistic skills. Being a clear, recipient-focused communicator helps you manage situations more efficiently. For example, a person with good social skills may telephone a colleague over a misunderstanding rather than writing a lengthy email clarifying their perspective which, many of us know from experience, can often make a tense situation worse, rather than better. Not only do you avoid dodging a communication faux pas, but you are seen by managers as a solution-focused-problem-solver. Success leads to more success.

Attracting opportunities.

Everyone benefits from being liked and having strong social skills makes this more likely. The opposite is also true, poor social skills makes it harder for you to get people to like you. When people like you, doors to opportunities are opened. People remember to bring you chances to succeed when they encounter them. People vouch for you when asked. This positive impact effects subjective assessments such as school and job interviews.

Stronger coping mechanisms.

A major psychological benefit of having good social skills is that you are more likely to be able to access and utilise social support as a buffer against work and life stress. Not only will you be able to make more friends, the relationships are likely to be fairer and focused around reciprocally meeting of each other’s needs. When the chips are down, friends are more likely to offer support. Social support is an essential component of any stress management regime.

The downside:

Just as having good social skills can have benefits in terms of mental health protection, creating opportunities, and building a positive perception of you, an impairment to social skills can have just the opposite effect.

Even when we are adults, we may resist supporting a person who we believe to be a braggart, or is overly critical, or doesn’t like to share praise. It’s hard to always have the perfect social skills. Nobody is perfect, but these skills certainly help rather than hinder in our work and personal relationships in adulthood.

As children, social skills are even more essential. Those with poor social skills are more likely to find making friends difficult, to have relationships which may be unfair to one party (i.e. being friends with someone who bullies you), and isolates key adults from offering support when they see some kids struggling. Social skills are essential life skills.

For those with weaker social skills, such as autisitc individuals, intervention is essential. Those who live with autism often find reading and responding to social cues, as well as maintaining friendships, very challenging.

As a parent of such a young adult, I’m reminded that even with extensive training, even the keenest autistic individual sometimes doesn’t get it. Recently, despite her best intentions, our teen demonstrated she misses what is the socially acceptable way to respond to some situation. I recall the time we experienced a death of a pet, and my autistic teen responded in a way that seemed peculiar.

The death of a hamster.

When, Pablo our 3-year-old hamster, transitioned to that big hamster-wheel in the sky, my neuro-typical 10 year-old wept inconsolably. In comparison, our autistic teen smiled. Smiling at death is not an expected, or perhaps an acceptable, response. The teen spent a good part of her free time that day creating a “condolence” card for her sister. She effusively presented the card to her little shocked little sister saying, “I’m so sorry Pablo is gone”. And then she reached out and hugged her little sister, until the little one was suffocating and spluttered, “Enough cuddling, you need to stop!” It turned out that our teen with autism, had been smiling, because she understood how to respond in an appropriate manner – with the card, and this, paradoxically, made her smile.

So there was a situation, which started and ended with poor social skills, but in the middle, there was a moment of magic.

If you believe your child needs social skills training contact Angela at our link below to learn about out SOCIAL SATURDAYS programme at RED DOOR.

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About the Author – Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of the RED DOOR Counselling practice in Hong Kong. Angela helps SEN families build current and future plans in support of their SEN children, helps families learn to cope with the special circumstances that occur as the parent or the sibling of a child with special needs. Together with her SEN clients she builds customised plans that help them accentuate their positive traits, and overcome specific challenges.  Angela is a SEN parent herself, and understands both professionally and personally that different is NOT less, and we all benefit by identifying find our own version of awesome. 

Note about this article. This article was first posted in 2017 and has been edited a number of times since. The latest version of this article was edited in February 2025.

#socialskills #autism #reddoor  #predictorofsuccess  #mentalhealth