Do you want to make your romantic relationship better? It is possible. From my experience of working with couples, helping them to reconnect, here are a few considerations that I believe can make your relationship stronger.

Commit to communication.

In all relationships, communication is key. I have clients, considering separation, who can count the words expressed between her and her partner over the course of an evening on less than her 10 fingers. Communicating with each other keeps us connected and is essential when you are in conflict with each other. Rather than focusing on snappy comebacks when you argue, take a moment to reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying, before adding your opinion. Using “I feel” rather than “You did” type of comments helps keep some of the dialogue constructive. By owning your experience you can better deal with conflict. When conflict arises remember to slow communication down, ensure that each partner is heard before you consider your response. Also avoid wanting to score points at the cost of your relationship.

The Gottman institute – a leading relationship research and training facility in the US reminds couples of their 5:1 rule. You should be expressing 5 positive sentiments to your partner for ever single negative or critical comment. Think about the balance in your interactions, and make this small change.

Good communication is like oxygen to a relationship. Give your relationship the breath of life that it needs.

Stay engaged and interested.

Remember how you were in the early days of your love, you knew everything about each other’s days. As time goes on, couples can become disconnected and their relationship focused on the fulfillment of a to do list. Take time to spend time understanding your partner’s experience of the day. What was the best thing that happened to them today? Did anything happen today that made them angry? Show up and show your interest.Building a stronger understanding of your shared experience allows you to build more positive times together.

Be your best self.

Give them the best of you, rather than saving it for others. Often, we are kinder to strangers or people we hardly know than people who are closest to us. Ask yourself, “Who gets the “best” of me?” and then ask, “Who gets the worst?”. Are you taking your workplace stress out on your partner? In addition to sharing your kindest and most sincere communication with your life partner, honour the promises you make to them first, before others.

Learn your language of love.

The best way to convey your love for your partner is to express your love in the language of love that they prefer. The 5 languages of love include words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, time sharing and acts of service (you can conduct an assessment of your style on the website of author Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com) . We want to receive love in the matter that we most appreciate. Understanding each other’s preferences is the ultimate form of respect.

Happy Valentine’s Day – I hope your romance grows stronger after trying these techniques.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a qualified counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling. She conducts couples’ therapy as well as runs con- joint co-parenting programmes.

Attached is another article you might find helpful if you are experiencing the same argument repeatedly in your relationship You can break free of those negative conflict cycles.

Groundhog day in relationships – having the same argument again and again, and again…..

#valentinesday

#couplecounselling

#marriage

#love

#relationshipgoals

#couple

#relationships

#lovequotes

#dating

#relationshipadvice

We can’t, as parents of teenagers, simply prohibit them being on the internet, and it’s almost impossible to out-maneuver an internet savvy teen, so I suggest that, instead,  you work collaboratively with them to keep them safe and protect their self-esteem.

Much of the advice that you will find on the internet aims to help parents better control their child’s interactions on the internet. Today’s teens are actually well informed about internet risks, but you can help them do better to keep their reputation safe, watch your wallet, and keep them out of trouble.

Teens are distinctively different than children.  What I propose for teens is not what I propose for children. Once your child enters the teen years independence online, and offline, becomes a continual negotiation.

In the era when school had become a completely online experience, it became counterproductive to try to set boundaries that apply “outside school hours” when they actually can achieve unlimited internet access all day.

Teens social media lives raise a plethora of issues that teens can learn to navigate in collaboration with their parents. In order to collaborate with your teen, please suspend your desire to dictate the decisions and agenda. Allow discussion and negotiation to occur, and most importantly, listen to what the ideas that your teen has in mind.  Open, non-judgmental communication is going to be your greatest asset. The teen years for parents are about conceding any desire to control your child to protect them.

Talk with your teen about what they think is ok to post on social media about their lives. You may need to negotiate with them. And you may lose this discussion. Be really compared to compromise, in order to be able to remain in access.

 My own teen posts photos that I consider “too sexy”. I had to think about what I was really doing trying to control her online image. Do I think she is being too sexy in her behaviour? Was my perception of how she looked attached to my social values about what teens should look like? I don’t necessarily agree with her posts, but I know what she is like in real life. We often laugh about where the “other half” of her outfit is in a photo. But I’m allowed to look at those photos and I can see what people say to her about her shots, and most of it is a celebration of how cool she is, rather than the creepy boogeyman that I anticipated.

That said we have to also acknowledge that social media also influences how teens, particularly young women, see themselves in comparison to others. The internet can hold a strong influence over teen’s self-esteem. This use to be a situation exacerbated by magazines. Teens now have exposure to thousands of touched up, fake lives and stories every day. Talking to teens about how “real” their profile is, and how real the lives of other people’s lives are online has become an essential part of our current lifestyle. Ask quite openly, do you feel better or worse about yourself after looking through other people’s Instagram pages? I often ask teens to assess what “perfect” is on the internet. The internet communicates completely contradictory values and advice. It is important that teens come to recognise that a concept of perfect is an illusionary, often messed up, construct.

Social media is a key component of teens’ social lives. Looking for new contacts on Snapchat and Instagram has allowed our teens to develop friends outside of their school year group, at different schools, in different parts of the city. Additionally some teens who feel as if they are members of marginalised groups, often find great support online. Usually, we would encourage this type of diversification of friendship. Having friends outside of your schoolmates is recommended, especially for girls who seem to practice and experience exclusion on a regular basis.

But don’t simply befriend everyone and anyone. Discuss some parameters with your teen. What kind of age range is sensible for them to talk with? For my own teen a general 18 month to 2-year age gap guideline applies. For younger teenagers, this range might be too broad, perhaps in the same year group might be a more appropriate guideline. Kids want the power to choose, so letting them negotiate some of ranges around age, area, and such, might be helpful. It might feel tempting to ban members of the opposite sex, or potential romantic partners, but I suspect this may lead to secrecy and dishonesty rather than compliance.

What I do encourage is that teens have the chance, in groups, to meet the people that they talk to online, in real life. When counselling teens, I often get the sense of how close many of those online relationships feel to teenagers. Often teens feel like they can talk more openly and deeply with people on the internet that they have never met in real life. But try to convert those friendships to situations in real life. Online friends can be extremely volatile, can easily change from being positive to being at odds with your teen’s point of view, not to mention be deceitful in content.  Talk with your teen about what they like about their online vs offline friends. So then, they can start to become aware of the advantages of in life friendships, and online friendships so that both can be explored.

I recommend that you encourage your teen to is making decisions about their profile by themselves, not in response to other people’s ideas, including your own. Peer pressure to post controversial content is more common than you might imagine.  Talking to your teen about what good friends expect and ask of them, and what they are comfortable communicating as a representation of who they are, will help.

Which brings us to bullying. Bullying on the internet is prolific. Your child’s school will have a policy on this behaviour, and may even involve the police depending on the act. Your child will, undoubtedly, be able to recount a story of internet bullying that they heard about at their school. Ask them about it. Rather than simply laying out the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a situation, ask them what made a bully act in a particular manner, what was their agenda, why would they want others to feel a particular way? By asking these more provoking questions rather than judging the act as good and bad, they may be able to see the human vulnerabilities that lead to people acting carelessly online. Understanding the situation will better help them avoid that situation.   

Ask your child if they sometimes get contacted by people who make them feel uncomfortable, and ask what they have done about this. Kids these days are aware of those creeps, but they may not know what to do. Ask them to talk to their friends about setting boundaries. Teens can actually get good advice, and horror stories to learn from, from other teens. My teen simply blocks anyone who gives her a weird vibe. When we discussed it further, that weird vibe was people she didn’t know contacting her out of the blue, just wanting to get to know her. Most of her contacts are friends of friends, and she will ask those friends for more background information to ascertain if that new contact is someone she might want to talk to, or not. Talk to your child about what makes them consider blocking, and reinforce their careful decisions.

We need to also talk about vent pages. Vent pages are used by teens as a way to “vent” their anxiety and pain. Teens who vent online may often learn to regret this choice. Not only do those vents become part of their online reputation, they can actually become stressful to others. Sometimes teems may forget that these pages are triggering for other people. Saying you want to “disappear” or harm yourself will upset others. This can, and has for more than one of my teen clients, ended in serious trouble. So, whilst I am a big believer in helping teens express themselves, I am also about finding appropriate avenues to do this. Encourage an old fashioned diary instead, but then- do not snoop through it.

The teen years are such an interesting time, and independence is the goal of this period. Negotiating internet safety with your teen rather than enforcing the rules, can be one way to navigate this important period of change. There is always a chance that your teen will find themselves being hurt, or in hot water, because of their internet behaviour. This is the same offline. Open, non judgemental communication helps to set the path for better protection, and future forum for collaboration. Good luck

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens to improve their mental health. She also works with families and adult clients. You can contact Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk.

We have three teen focused counsellors at RED DOOR – Angela, Tanya and Kirsteen.

#teens

#teenager

#socialmedia

#internetsafety

#parenting

#bullying

Since early 2020 we have been experiencing continual threat from the COVID 19 virus and the numerous variants that have developed. COVID has impacted our lives significantly – how and when we can socialise, go to work or school, travel, see family, celebrate special occasions, even say goodbye to loved ones. All aspects of our regular life seem to have been altered. And we do not know when this will end. This leaves us in a repeating cycle of anxiety and flight/fight type of responses.

Anxiety can be a crippling emotional challenge. As a psychologist and counsellor I work with clients dealing with their anxiety and I want to share some information about this condition and its management.

A strategy of waiting for normalcy to return is impractical. Pandemics take years to work out so please consider adjusting to a new normal of living with COVID-19 for now.

It’s not only exhausting to spend so much time in a state of high alert, but it can also be physically damaging. The physical consequences of acute stress can include high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and exacerbation of various inflammatory illnesses. After more than 2 years of stress, people may need to explore more than some deep breathing exercises to calm their nervous systems down.

If you feel flooded with COVID-Anxiety:

• Limit your time scrolling news about new cases and the current situation. Measure your experience of anxiety when you are looking at news sources. Sometimes no news is a good approach.
• Acknowledge your anxiety – give it a voice, but not a megaphone. Talk to your anxiety as you would a worried child. Accept that it exists, how it might perceive the situation, and offer alternative ways of looking at the issue. Be kind to yourself.
• Seriously consider talking to a therapist at this time. Sometimes the process of just expressing your anxiety to a properly qualified listener will help. We often can not change a situation, but bottling up our anxiety and feeling trapped within it will only make one feel more stuck.
• Perspective is important. Try to focus on what is positive in your life when you feel weighed down by the difficulty of dealing with this situation. Many of us have not seen family, for years.  Sometimes this might feel very difficult. You may actually benefit from being thankful that things are not worse. If you get stuck a negative through cycle, start your next thought with the line, “at least ….. “.
• Be careful when you share information. Search for facts, not rumours. At the same time, share facts not opinions – seriously wear a mask, get your vaccine, do your bit.
• Don’t judge those who leave, or those who stay in your area as the number of cases grows or fluctuates. People make the choices that they think are best for their family.
• Practice being grateful. Gratitude allows you to stay positive.
• Challenge your thinking. We often employ cognitive filters when we interpret information and this can increase our anxiety. For example, if you tend to catastrophise situations it will possibly lead to exacerbated anxiety. Take a look at the following article which might help. (https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/)

Working actively on your anxiety can help to reduce it. Sometimes talking to a professional might help. If you’d like to tackle your anxiety with Angela, or one of our other therapists, in Hong Kong, contact us at angelaw@reddoor.hk or SMS to 852-93785428.

anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #stress #ptsd #therapy #health #wellness #anxietyrelief #covid #anxietyawareness

It’s tempting to set new goals at the beginning of the year. As a counsellor, I encourage our clients to invite change into their lives. As a psychologist, I need to be able to share what makes change, through goal setting, more successful.

Here are 7 elements that will help you better achieve your goals.

1.Be SMART

 If you want to achieve a goal its important that you know what that goal looks like. For example, you might want to lose 10 kilos in this year. What do you have to do to lose this weight? Normally this would involve a combination of diet and exercise goals to make the weight loss possible. So how often are you going to exercise? What kind of exercise are you going to do? Is this the kind of exercise that typically helps people lose weight? What kind of diet changes are you going to make? How often are you going to eat, or not eat, this way? These smaller questions make your goals SMART – an acronym representing Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time Bound. Setting SMART goals will help you understand your success in specific steps. But this is not enough, our other six ideas will help you gain the momentum to actually get required actions done

2. Tell the world.

There is a plethora of research as to how public posting of information increases not only one’s perception of being accountable, but helps people achieve their goals better. If you are the only person who knows that you didn’t achieve your goal that day, there is no pressure. Telling the world, or a team your goals, is asking others to keep an eye on your achievements.

3. Be a groupie.

Find a group of people with similar goals. Often, we are better cheerleaders for others than we are for ourselves. Join or set up a group to help keep you on track with your goals this year. Helping others achieve their goals will also create out some competitive elements for you to also show you are able to do the work.  

4. DO rather than DON’T.

Framing your goals in positive style language, rather than negative, helps you feel more positive about them. No body likes to feel like they are missing or losing something. By adding a goal, you can start with a more positive framework.

5. Plan for potholes.

People fail to achieve their goals because they do not plan to stumble or fail in their interim goals, and once they do, the abandon their overall goals. “I missed my exercise today, so I will just give up”. Planning for potholes, or small stumbles, is not only a compassionate way to treat yourself, its actually more realistic than expecting a flawless execution of your goal plan. If you missed a day of exercise, make up for it, or note it down and move on. A goal is a culmination of many days of effort, not one alone.

6. Own your goals.

Your goals should be set by you, for you. Other people do not need to tell you what your goals should be. Write about how you imagine you think your life will be better or different if you can achieve your goals. How might you feel? These are your goals to achieve, or to not achieve – no one else’s.

7. Set yourself some rewards to reinforce your success.

Did you like star charts as a kid? If you did, set yourself a new, adult star chart. Reward yourself with an appropriate reward at key junctures. If you want to lose 10 kilos, reward yourself whenever you lose 0.5 kilos. You need to select appropriate and supportive rewards.  A piece of cake would not be a supportive reward when weight loss if your goal.

#goals #2022 #mentalhealth #weightloss #REDDOOR

When you are deciding on how to approach early, or continuing, intervention strategies to help your child with special educational needs, it maybe overwhelming.

Here are some thoughts that might help parents views the situation in a systematic and manageable way. I am writing this not only from the perspective of a psychologist who leads a team of intervention focused practitioners, but also as the parent of a child with autism. Even as a psychologist I found navigating this territory difficult, understanding who really could help and was intentioned appropriately.

Intervention provides might include speech language therapy, occupational therapy, and behavioural skill therapy.

Finding a good partner to help you with intervention practices.

The right kind of partner. It is important to work with key providers who really HELP.

They should have a (H) helpful and holistic perspective of your child. Being the parent of a child who required special educational adjustments is worrying. Your provider can help you see the strengths is your child as well as their challenges. They need to look at the activities needed today and in the future.

They should have a clear (E) evaluation roadmap for your child. They should able to tell you what key skills need to be developed, and why, show you a roadmap and help update you where your child is in their development. Your intervention provider should contribute to, even lead the IEP (Individual Education Plan) or IDP (Individual Development Plan). That whole plan should be updated 3-4 times a year, if your chid is under 8. For children 9-12 year old, the plans should be updated 2-3 times a year. From the age of 12, their plans need to be completely reworked in line with the second wave of development. See this article for more information https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2020/01/08/activating-the-second-wave-intervention-for-teens-with-sen/)

Listening (L) and cooperating with you is really important. You are the current expert on your child and your team should feel like real team members with a shared goal. It’s important that your fears, your worries, aspirations are heard.

Planning (P) is also important. Any intervention strategy should be clear to you and you should be able to turn up, or down,  the volume as needed. You should be able to place scenario within an overall agenda.

Respectful. You may have heard that there is a lot of negative feedback from neurodiverse adults who were subjected to ABA therapy. Their main complaint is that the actions that they use to regulate their emotions, often seen as “stimming”, has been treated in a negative way. Our knowledge of “how to best help” kids who have delays expand with information every year. We now understand that making kids “look normal” shouldn’t take precedence over their need to feel reassured and safe. Ask your provider how they approach and treat “stimming” behaviours such as hand flapping, jumping, hair twisting. It is important that you are truly comfortable with their approach and that their approach is respectful to the needs of your child.

Goal-oriented. The purpose of an overall plan, and each element and activity within the plan should be completely clear to you. When kids are under the age of ten, our intervention efforts are often focused in a more concentrated manner towards helping the child start to achieve age expected behavioural, academic or communicative goals. This model is often referred to as a deficit model. I prefer to think of it of these behaviours as creating equalizing opportunities for these children. As your child becomes older, you will want the focus to alter – so that expansion of their key skills becomes a greater focus. This strengths focus helps prepare your child for potential vocation opportunities.

Fair -It is important that you believe that intervention therapies are fairly priced. It takes a lot of energy and education to provide appropriate intervention strategies and activities. As a provider I can tell you that it isn’t cheap to provide these services well. However, as a parent I have seen many programmes that are ‘eye=-wateringly” expensive. I encourage you to select a partner where you feel that you are getting a fair service for a fair price.

Lastly, please watch if your caregivers and intervention providers really care about the kids that they are helping. Warm relationships work wonders. Be sure that your child is being stretched by a person who really cares about them, and is interested in their development.

These are both my personal and professional opinions. When you start this journey, it is hard to know those who really care from those who are trying to just go through the motions, or overcharge and under deliver. Life is hard enough. Use the above guidelines and I hope you, and your child, can get the support you definitely deserve.

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If you would like to know more about the UPSTART set of interventions provided by RED DOOR in Hong Kong please send a message, telling me about your child, to angelaw@reddoor.hk

Being made redundant is one of the most stressful events you can experience in your career. Many of us count on our professional image not only for financial security, but as a source of identity. When you loose a job, you loose so much more than the salary that went with that post.

It is an emotional journey. As counsellors, we help professionals navigate the journey, helping them adjust and, eventually, re imagine their futures. Here are some outtakes from what we have learnt helping individuals through this process.

Redundancy is not a dirty word

There has been a shroud of shame associated with the word redundancy. You may be feeling embarrassed, as if you are not good enough, or that you are not needed. That feeling is not necessary. Most recruiters are familiar with the concept and wide use of redundancy as a common HR  tool during hard times. Redundancy decisions are often financial rather than personal. Being embarrassed or shameful, might prevent you from seeking legal advice when it might be of benefit to you. It is your right to fight for the best exit deal you can get. You may feel shame, but don’t let that let you  stop negotiating the best deal you can

Acknowledge what you are feeling

Aligned to the experience of shame are many other feelings associated with job loss including shock, grief, depression, fear,  and even anger.  It is healthy to accept those feelings rather than reject them as they are experienced. It is a natural cycle of adjustment to move through these feelings. You might consider writing a journal to work your way through these emotions. This will help you capture if you get particularly stuck feeling a particular way.

Family focus

Redundancy can put your personal relationships under pressure. If you are the major breadwinner, you may find that your partner becomes fearful about the future and money. Children, as well, may not understand.

Embrace this situation as an opportunity for your partnership and family to learn to confront a problem together. This stress will pass, but in the meantime you may need to tighten your belt, suspend spending on luxury items. Everyone can help, rather than wait. By modelling partnership and leadership within your family during times facing redundancy, you are modeling how your children see the world of work, and learn about emotional resilience through observation.

Two important things to remember

Firstly, try to remember that this is a temporary situation. As long as you continue to move forward, any event, including being made redundant, will become simply a page in a chapter of a book.

Secondly, remember that there are two key stages in the progression through redundancy – the first stage is the initial reactive stage. This stage ends when you are able to start accepting what has happened. The second stage is the resolution stage – this is finding a solution to the issue of joblessness and how you are going to approach ending that condition, and when. You don’t have to go backwards, and do the same as you have done before. The future stretches out before you filled with possibility.

Explore responsibility

Whilst it is not constructive to blame yourself for what has happened if you have been made redundant, it will benefit you to explore what you are responsible for, and what you are NOT responsible for.

For example could you have done more to make yourself essential to an organisation? Would you have been willing to do that in order to keep your job? Did you make enemies that could maneuver against you during downsizing? Could that be avoided in the future? Can you learn from this experience? Now you have done that, consider the role of your previous organisation in your departure.

How much of the responsibility for your redundancy sits with your (previous) employer? Had they ignored the need to find efficiencies in the past? Did they not believe your function was business essential? What could be learnt from this experience?

You can use this opportunity to re-imagine your future

Given the length of your life span, you might consider changing career completely. It would make sense that you have two to three careers over a 50 year work span.

Maybe consider a complete change of career? If not you can use some pen and paper tools to help brainstorm potential futures for you to consider. In coaching sessions we use eight pronged spider diagrams to discuss at least 8 career change options with clients. We use a large number to help people break out of the restrictions they may have put on themselves. For one of the positions I usually ask the client, “What would you do for nothing?” Once the 8 slots are filled we start further information on what clients would like about each of the opportunities, and how they could make money from those activities. Usually two to three of the options start to look more probable or attractive, or something new can be created from combining 2-3 of the items.

Many of the skills you have already are transferable to another industry. Creativity, ability to write, budgeting skills, and project management skills, can be helpful in a number of different careers. Working with a counsellor or a coach will be extremely helpful with these brainstorming activities.

Consider the future of work

It may have been a few years since you have had to apply for a job. The shape of the world of work is changing, because of mobility, illness and global interactions. You may need to upgrade your tech skills and your attitude towards the physical workplace. Update your view of your occupation so that you are ready for the future of your job.  You might find this blog helpful. https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/defeating-fo-fow/

Additionally the job search mechanism has changed. You will be encouraged to network so that your world of contacts becomes bigger. For middle and senior executives I want you to consider your view on recruitment experts – headhunters. There was a time professionals waited to see what jobs headhunters could put in front of them. This model of job search is not the only way. Pitching yourself to an organisation can be framed under the umbrella of ‘market research’. Rather than selecting from offers that a recruiter can, or cannot, put in front of you, make the future happen for you. Employers generally respond to evidence of  responsibility and pro activity in a positive manner.

Network

Many people find their next job through their network rather than in response to a job advertisement. Utilizing your network is the way to find the jobs that nobody knows about. If you can apply for the job before it becomes available you have a special advantage. Any meeting of new people may be treated as the first stage of a job interview, so have your ‘elevator pitch’, that is your 2-3 sentence summary of who you are and your differentiation, well practiced. It can be difficult to be positive if your ego has been hurt by your current job frustrations or job loss. It can be tough to be positive. However remember job stress and job loss are not rare or exceptional, just state the facts in a non-emotive manner. You have nothing to be ashamed of – just focus on the positive rather than list your litany of complaints about your previous job.

Work your way through your anger

It is very common to be resentful and angry if you have been moved out of an organisation. It is really quite possible that you were not treated with respect, or given  a chance. It is not fair. That may keep you angry for a while. I get it. I’ve been there. It is in your long term interest to work your way through your anger. The only person it hurts is you.

It is challenging to have been overlooked, or moved against. write your way through these feelings. At some point in time, you will start to feel, “I’m done”.

Seek Help

You do not need to work through the journey of redundancy on your own. Sometimes organisations offer counselling as part of their downsizing plans. If offered, consider it. Talking about your feelings and fears will be extremely helpful. Especially if you feel stuck in anger, or fear seek professional advice how to move forward.You may prefer to do this with an independent expert, not attached to your organisation.   A counsellor can help you explore patterns in your past that may have you stuck in your present, and help you move on.

If you want to re imagine your future work with a counsellor or coach who specialises in strategies to expand your career plans. That person needs to understand you, your values and emotional state, your goals and needs, as well as how your strengths can be channeled into new endeavors.

Redundancy is unpleasant to be sure. Whilst it is definitely a PAUSE, remember it is not the END.

————

#careerchange #resiliency  #futureofwork #stress #redundancy

About the author: Angela Watkins. Having worked in corporate life for 20+ Angela is familiar with the stresses and strains of work and family life in Hong Kong. Angela started her career as a psychologist and educator. She was attracted into work for corporates for many years, before return to her psychologist roots, and opening RED DOOR in Hong Kong. RED DOOR is a psychology counselling practice operating in Hong Kong.

Episode one.

Live under the pandemic of COVID19 is manageable in 2-week chunks. But, the reality may be much longer than a series of 2-week chunks, with an eventual return to normal. Things may be challenging for quite a while.

Breathe before reading this paragraph. …

What is probably going to be the case? According to Dr Marc Lipsitch (1), epidemiologist and leading commentator from the school of Public Health at Harvard University. We are just at the beginning of learning to live with COVID-19. The nature of infectious diseases is to replicate and spread as much as possible. The interim strategy of social distancing has been effective to slow down transmission, but does not work permanently. What we need is the security provided by a immunization, proven treatment regimes and a dearth of recovered cases. We will be living with COVID19 until there is a vaccine -one that is available to everyone. Estimates for a vaccine range from 1 year to 18 months away. In the meantime, we will manage with the range of public health activities that we have been using thus far (hand washing, social distancing, mouth covering) Things are not going ‘back to normal’ for a while (1,2.3)

The new ‘normal’.

Over the next year to eighteen months will possibly feature repeated periods of work-from-home scenarios, new models of education, suspension of gathering of large groups, and interruptions in activities – a new normal.

This interrupted life is unsettling. It is created by the progression and regression of a pandemic, that despite our best unattempts, is not completely predictable. Anxiety is a natural reaction to this uncertainty.

Anxiety can be experienced in an acute or chronic form. We experience acute anxiety in a strong concentrated form, possibly escalating into a panic episode. These acute instances are intense, usually one-off episodes attached to a trauma. Anxiety around exams and in response to an accident may be examples of acute anxiety.

Chronic anxiety is more constant. Perpetual. It presents as unregulated feelings of nervousness – often located in the stomach, head and neck. Frequent worries persist. Catastrophic thinking – expecting the worst to happen – becomes more regular. Sleep disturbances, stomach upset, migraines and aches and pains in the body are expressions of this anxiety.

What can you do? Anxiety considerations during the new normal. I will cover actions in a series of episodes.

Episode 1: Anxiety dialogues

Episode 2: Create calm

Episode 3: Body basics

Episode 4:  Untangled

Episode 5: New beginnings

Episode 1: Anxiety dialogues

Monitor your feelings of anxiety when you watch the news or spend time on social media. For some people those activities can increase their sense of anxiety, for others it may decrease their anxiety. If you are reacting with increased anxiety, consider to decrease your exposure to news and social media streams.

Given the severe outcomes from COVID-19 you may worry about other tragedies that might befall you, Because of our fight/flight/freeze stress response that we respond to threats, remains over stimulated. We can’t calm down without deliberate activity aimed to do so. Our already heightened anxiety starts to look for additional threats. In the case of our experience of COVID-19 this is not an imagined threat to the human species. We can sometimes overgeneralise the threat of these threats to us specifically.

You may have felt that you are powerless over your anxiety. This anxiety dialogue exercise may well help you learn to manage your anxiety during this time.

Your anxiety child: Talk back to your anxiety, as if it is a small child that lives inside you. Help this young child understand the risk. Hold their hand whilst you explain the actions that you are going to undertake to help mitigate your risk of infection. Don’t tell dismiss their worries, by saying that worry is silly. Do not try to simply silence your anxiety. Listen, and talk back. Acknowledge the fear, but explain that you do not need to let worries disable you. Comfort your internal anxious child that you will take care. Thank your anxiety for reminding you that there are threats in the world, and that there is danger.

Dialogues with your anxiety may run as waves lapping at the shore of a beach. Let the anxiety roll in and regress, as if your anxious child, and your adult self are in a dance – make it a waltz.

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As always we are open to feedback and questions about the advice that we provide. If  you would like more information on want to provide feedback please contact us at reception@reddoor.hk

#COVID19 #anxiety #newnormal #anxietymanagement #reddoor #chronicanxiety

Readings

1. Kissler, SM; Tedijanto, C; Goldstein, E; Grad, YH; and Lipsitch, M. April 2020. Projecting the transmission dynamics of SARS-CoV-2 through the postpandemic period. https://science.sciencemag.org/content/early/2020/04/14/science.abb5793
2. Gates, B. Feb 2020. Responding to Covid-19 — A Once-in-a-Century Pandemic? Bill Gates. The New England Journal of Medicine https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmp2003762
3. Ferguson, NM; Laydon,D; Nedjati-Gilan, G et al. March 2020. Report 9: Impact of non-pharmaceutical interventions (NPIs) to reduce COVID-19 mortality and healthcare demand. Imperial College COVID-19 Response Team https://spiral.imperial.ac.uk/bitstream/10044/1/77482/14/2020-03-16-COVID19-Report-9.pdf

Even if you love your partner truly, madly, deeply, you may find that spending time together, in virtual lockdown, has you feeling more well and deeply, truly mad.

The Coronavirus pandemic is challenging relationships and changing family life. The WHO estimates that 1.4 billion children are out of school without access to their regular activities. Parents are under additional pressure to maintain their jobs and employment opportunities, whilst caring for children and conducting or overseeing home schooling. This has serious implications. Evidence indicates that violence and vulnerability increase during periods of health emergency (1,2). The media in Britain has recorded 2 cases of femicide during lockdown. According to the French media, reports of domestic violence have increased by 36% during the lockdown period.

Even without the serious element of violence, conflict between couples appears to be increasing whilst individuals spend more time together during stay at home instructions. There are numerous social media comments indicating that even regular relationships are under renewed pressure because of the siege. According to some news reports, divorce applications in China spiked after their lockdown, and in New York, divorce lawyers claim an increase in calls regarding inquiries regarding divorce.

Perhaps you might be seriously considering divorce, and if you are, I recommend that you read our article on preparing for divorce in the references below (3).

If your desire to split is, perhaps, created by intensive time together and extreme focus on your partner’s habits or behaviours, here are some potential cohabitation conflict busters that might be of help.

“What was that?” The power of distraction.

Some of the arguments that you may want to have, or personal shortfalls that you might like to highlight, do not need to happen. Hit “Pause”. Eject the tape. Leave the room. Go for walk. Distract yourself. You don’t need to have a fight that you will possibly regret. The best fight you had, was the one you never had.

“Is it me?” Reflections that might help you hit “Pause” when you want to blow up.

If you are feeling particularly frustrated with your partner consider the following 5 questions to help you reflect on your position.

Question 1. Timing: Does this discussion have to happen right at this time? Would there be another time be more constructive to have this discussion? For example, if you don’t like the way your partner is caring for your child, is it better to shout at them at the time that they are conducting child care, or might it be better to wait until later in the evening when such a conversation may be held without the child present, and in terms of shared goals and expectations?

Question 2. Collaborative Partnership: Do you want your relationship to be a partnership? Do you feel that you and your romantic partner collaborative or more as rivals? Does one partner encourage change or demand change of their partner? If you think behaviours of your partner need to change, is this possibly based on your personal preferences rather than real necessity? If you have an irritation that you would like to highlight to your partner, is there a method that you could use that highlights your desire to be seen as a partner that is without judgement or threat?

Question 3. Status You: What is your emotional state right now, and will this be the same way you might feel later? If you are tired, hungry, feeling unwell, or coping with pain, you might feel differently after a nap or a visit to a doctor.

Question 4. The villain: Are you portraying your partner as some type of Disney-villain rather than a person who is a work-in-progress? Are their shortcomings, or issues, a big problem to your life, or rather, a small problem that you have become oversensitive to?

Question 5. Control: Is it possible that you are trying to control your partner rather than simply being irritated by their actions? This might include your response to Covid-19 precautions or to tidiness requirements within your home. Your standards may be different and you might feel that your partner should adhere to your standards, but is this fair?

You may like to journal written responses to these questions. Remember, that whilst conflict may be inevitable during increased time together, combat remains optional.

“It’s not me, it’s you”. If you are going to fight, fight fair.

We have a recent article below about the key aspects of fighting fair (4) This includes understanding that people have different values, and this is to be expected, accepted, and respected. Compromise and understanding are the goal or any discussion, rather than winning control over your partner. You need to own and take responsibility for how your feelings. Avoid name calling or threats. Focus on listening to your partner rathe than what you want to say, and waiting for the gap to insert your opinion. If you find yourself using terms such as “always” or “never”, I feel almost certain that you are exaggerating your arguments. Try to be specific. Remember. kindness is king.

“It’s not you, or me, its us”. Is it time for you to update your relationship operating system?

Companies regularly explore business continuity exercises in order to navigate possible problems which could derail delivery of their services. Various scenarios are explored, pitfalls identified, and the company responds with temporary or permanent changes in the operation of their business.

Perhaps it time for you to update they way that your marriage operates during this crisis, and potentially beyond.

Zoning: During the Covid pandemic there may be cyclical periods of “work from home” required.

Therefore, I recommend that you might like to zone your house in order to better support your ability to execute your work, and home schooling. Make changes that you can live with for a few months, rather than a few weeks. For more details please refer to your article on creating tension free work environments at home (5).

Your role or mine? It might be time for you to update your home task gender roles to the 2020 world, especially as you are at home more often. Men can cook? Women do not need to be the only parent supporting home schooling. Even kids, can step up their level of contribution at this time.

House rules: you might want to update your house rules as well. Given the amount of time we might spend on our screens – in zoom meetings, or google hangouts – our tolerance of the amount of permissible screen time may have drifted upward within in the early days of the pandemic. As we acclimatised to the novelty of all this screen time during the day, the use of screens outside of work and school might also need to be reviewed. Within our family I noticed we had become like workers each in our own silo, but all under the same roof. I have asked to reconstruct everyone’s day in order for us to spend more time together, especially around dinner, or exercise, or game time. This can be the same for couples as well as families. Reconnect in positive ways, and, perhaps, conflict can dissipate.

We want to celebrate our differences. But people who have different values and mindsets make conflict inevitable. Regardless combat is not inevitable. Hopefully these thoughts help you create some distraction, allow you to reflect, and perhaps even consider reconstruction, which might support your partnerships at this time. If conflict continues, and you want outside mediation, consider a counsellor.

Be well. Keep Calm. Wash your hands. Love one another.

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Readings

• Alon,TM; Doepke, M; Olmstead-Rumsey, J; and Tertilt, M. April 2020. Impact of COVID-19 on Gender Equality Working paper – National Bureau of Economic Research. Cambridge MA.
• Cluver, L; Lachman, JM; Sherr, L; Wessel, I et al . Parenting in a time of COVID-19. The Lancet Vol 305(10231). April 2020.
• Red Door, Considering Divorce: Key Prep (2019) https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/10/28/considering-divorce-key-prep/
• Red Door, Fighting Fair (2019) https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/12/03/fighting-fair/
• Red Door, This isn’t what I signed up for – creating tension free work environments at home (2020) https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2020/02/13/this-isnt-what-i-signed-up-for-creating-tension-free-work-environments-at-home