Becoming a parent changes your romantic relationship. The landmark relationship advisors, the Gottman Institute, assessed satisfaction among new parents. Their research reveals that two-thirds (67%) of the couples that they interviewed expressed dissatisfaction in their romantic relationship within the first two years of having a baby. The pattern of lower martial satisfaction when comparing parents with non-parents is supported by other academic research as well.

There are many paths to parenthood. New parents often feel stressed and exhausted. It can feel as if the distance created by small differences that existed between you and your partner when you first got together, have become a chasm once you are parents.

What drives this unhappiness? And, what can you do to protect, or improve your relationship after bringing home baby?

Perception of individual roles

Part of these differences are due to how you see your new role as parents and how this redefines to your perceived role as a person, worker, friend, partner, and a representative of your community. Suddenly you aren’t just a man, who is romantically involved with this other person, and a worker, and a member of the sporting community. You are now a “Father” – with all that word conveys to others, and expectations that it holds for you.

How we see our roles, and that of our partner, are the result of our research, and created through an osmotic process of being the child of the parents in our family of origin. The father figure featured in your family of origin taught you what you admire, and don’t admire , about the role of being a “Dad”,  The same applies for Mum.

What do new parents fight about?

The Gottman Institute suggest that for each new child, an additional 33 hours of household work is required to look after their needs on a weekly basis. Suddenly time becomes a precious commodity, and you may be exhausted all of it. Given the pressure of child care, and the changes to roles and personal lives that parenting can require, what do new parents mostly fight about?

In our ounselling practice, we see similar trends to those seen by the Gottman Institute. The main issues that we encounter with new parents include are stresses over family finances, the division of labour in the household, the  (unwelcome) influence of family and friends, changes (or not) to social and recreational activities, and mood and affect challenges resulting from the physical changes of child rearing.

When couples enter the counselling environment, they are ready for the counsellor to highlight up how wrong their partners’ perceptions, behaviours, and viewpoints are. In essence, they often want the counsellor to be the judge and tell them who is “right”. But the counselling process is not about who is right and who is wrong. Rather the focus is about establishing those practices that make love last.

So, what makes love last?

The answer to this question is so simple, and so complicated, at the same time. In studying successful relationships, famous relationship researcher John Gottman, suggests that the friendship with the romantic relationship which is the greatest predictor of relationship satisfaction. Quite simply, people who like each other are happier together. It’s deceptively simple.

Unfortunately, our romantic partner often receives the worst of us, not the best of us. Sometimes the way we act towards our partner is, quite frankly, unlikeable. Over time those small jabs, and missed connections, create a canyon that feels hard to transverse.

With re-establishing your friendship as a goal, there are a few actions that you can take to help build back that positive affect in your relationship. Whilst all couples have conflict, partners who prioritise friendship are more likely to create homes where conflict is not feared, destructive to the relationship, or negatively impactful on their children.

How do you get back the friendship when all you do is fight? Sometimes a safe zone, such as a counselling environment can help. There are some activities you can try for yourselves:

1.Affirm each other.

Firstly, when you can, try a brief affirmation exercise. This exercise is suggested to help couples appreciate what attributes their partner appreciates and recognises about them. When you have a young child, sharing appreciative or affirming comments, becomes a rare activity. Take a moment to reverse this trend.

Sit together. Pick three positive attributes about your partner. If you have trouble identifying those attributes, I’ve included some suggested by the Gottman Institute for your ease. You don’t have to pick items from the list. You can identify your own.

Take turns sharing an attribute and the story behind your perception of that attribute. For example, “I was so impressed by how resourceful you are. When we were lost in Italy, it didn’t take you long to sort out new bookings and get our holiday plans back on track.”

After you have each shared three attributes stories, take a moment to think about how it feels to listen to these recollections and compliments from your partner. Do not dismiss your good work with the temptation to share what “bothers” you at this time. Enjoy the positive atmosphere created.

2. Create strong Love Maps.
Another great Gottman Institute idea is to rebuild your Love Maps of each other. A Love Map is the personal knowledge you have of your partner. Sometimes we assume that we know everything about our partner. Often, we don’t, or our perceptions are out of date.

Do you know who is their best friend? Do you know who is the relative they like least, and why? Do you know what their favourite song to listen to is at this time? Who do they talk to most at work? What would they do if they could retire today? What countries are on their bucket list of places to visit? What activity helps them calm down? What things make them smile? What is their favourite meal of all time? What would a dream weekend involve? Who do they wish that they had a better relationship with in their family of origin?

Take some time to really get to know your partner again. You can undertake building love maps as a date-night activity, or you can break it into a series of daily connection moments. Build a path back to understanding, and appreciating, each other’s worlds.

3. Fight fair.

The most constructive thing you can learn to do to support your relationship is to learn to have constructive rather than destructive conflict. It is normal to disagree, and have some form of conflict in a relationship. The style of how you express yourselves during the conflict can, determine if their relationships can last, or remain satisfying. Relationships where conflict discussions include contempt, criticism, excessive defensiveness, and avoidance, are unsatisfying.  When these destructive elements exist, are likely to remain so. They will not go away without activity to change.

Think about at the last time you and your partner had a  disagreement. Did you say hurtful comments that you regret? Did they? Did it feel like things just “exploded”. Did you feel out of control? Did you feel neglected or invalidated? Did you storm off and then refuse to reengage in any future discussion?

Learning to fight well involves developing a series of skills around communication – being a good listener, a responsible speaker, choosing your timing well, using gentle introductions to conflict topics, being respectful of your partner’s world, owing your emotional reactions, avoid blaming and contemptuous language. Think about if you are ready to start adjusting your behaviour. Even one person changing their behaviour can have an impact on style of conflict within a couple. Quite simply, if you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve traditionally got. So, make a change, so that change is possible

In the reference section of this article there are some great books, by the Gottman Institute that suggest activities to help you improve your communication conflict style regarding the specific behaviours that destroy relationships.  Couples’ counsellors are trained to help couples adjust those behaviours. They can help you understand your conflict style, and help practice new habits to help change the disagreements, and dissatisfaction in your relationship. You can seek out couples counselling for conflict, or to make a stronger connections. It is a wise investment in the future of your relationship.

Notes:

• Red Door Counselling offers couples counselling through the conjoint-counsellor model. This model involves 2 counsellors with 2 clients. This model is superior in avoiding perceived favouritism and situational objectivity.
• Red Door offers couple connection courses from time to time – for groups – to help teach those skills that make love last. Our next couples’ connection course will run in August 2022.

Useful References

Gottman books you might enjoy:

Gottman, J and Gottman, JS (2007)

And baby makes three: The six-item plan for preserving marital intimacy and rekindling romance.

Gottman, J and Gottman, JS (2008)

Ten lessons to transform your marriage.

Other good references.

Twenge, J.M.; Campbell, W.K.; and  Foster, C.A. (2004). Parenthood and marital satisfaction: A meta-analytical review. Journal of Marriage and Family. Vol 65(3), page 574-583.

Nagaraja, A.; Rajama, N. M.; and Reddy V. V. (2017). Effects of parents’ marital satisfaction, marital life period and type of family on their Children Mental Health Status. Journal of Psychology, p 65-70.

As women, and mothers’ of girls, we are constantly reminded that the women’s rights movement still has some way to go, and we can all play a role.

While I am delighted that my generation has experienced a broader remit of occupations they were allowed or encouraged to apply to  than our mothers, it begs the question, what attributes should we be encouraging in young girls to break the glass ceiling, end gender bias, and redefine what it means to be a woman.

Essential skills  for Young Women

Personal strengths – Identifying and celebrating what strengths you have, regularly, is investigated and encouraged. Believing you can face challenges is extremely important. Celebrating overcoming difficulties is particularly important. Young girls often to have an abundance of confidence, but by the time girls are 16-17 this confidence is harder to find. That loss of confidence can be undone.

Believe you CAN– As women we have a responsibility to expose our female teens to all kinds of achieving women so that they can better appreciate that women’s careers are being redefined, daily and hopefully, forever.

Teaching self-acceptance and healthy thinking patterns – Self acceptance is not only recognizing your strengths, but also accepting that you will make mistakes, you will experience failure, and that this is part of life. We need to teach girls to avoid thinking traps such as comparing, personalizing, labeling themselves negatively and catastrophizing. By adulthood many of us are limited by negative thinking patterns – building habitual thinking patterns that challenge these negative thoughts helps to raise teens who accept their mistakes, avoid self-punishing behaviours, and get themselves ready for the next big challenge.

Negotiating with confidence – We can teach girls confidence to negotiate in life, for job promotions, and for salaries. This starts from learning and using negotiation skills as early as the teen years. Negotiating for independence, pocket money, activities, and also performing chores as part of those negotiations, teaches girls that they can determine their future through their efforts, and that they have the right to challenge what is a fair wage for fair work.

You are not your body – You are not defined by your body, and loving your body will help you have a fuller life.  We need to teach girls that women come in all shapes and sizes, and none is better or worse than another. You are not your “fat thighs” or your “boring hair”. Speaking negatively about your body and yourself can be challenged, and need not be part of your self-talk dialogue.  You are more than your body, your healthy body gets you from A to B, and if you look after your body, it will look after you.

Relationships and boundaries – The teen years can include episodes of being bullied, feeling unpopular, wanting to be unique (while being just like everyone else), and wanting to please others for a multitude of reasons. We need to teach our teen girls to reflect on the decisions they make in friendships and if those decisions are to their benefit or cost in the long run. If teens fear being cut off from a group, we can teach them ways to stand their ground, be themselves, and be comfortable with the consequences. Having a broad range of friendships helps protects girls from this vulnerability.

Cyber security – With the proliferation of the internet, young children have access to a wealth of sites, information sources, and social media channels. A teenager can receive a thorough education (and mis-education) simply from spending a few hours a day on YouTube. Recently I discovered that our 15-year old girl had been talking to people overseas on the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) website forums! Some of the people were adults. She had sincere difficulty understanding why her parents responded to this with such horror. To her it seemed very innocent. We reiterated our cyber safety rules in the house:  Mum and Dad have access to your online profiles and may check them,  you can use your computer only in public areas of the house, never share personal information about yourself, and never agree to meet in real life (without adult supervision). This is a large topic and deserves a blog all of its own.

Physical safety – I believe that all girls should be prepared to protect themselves physically. This preparation may simply involve them being able to respond to unwanted physical attention in a manner beyond embarrassment. Helping girls become comfortable responding to negative attention may seem like shifting the blame for abuse onto them. This is quite the opposite. We want girls to know that they have the right to protect themselves, to be prepared to respond to a perceived threat, and, particularly, not to freeze in fear. And of course, teach boys to understand that traditional power patterns not only disadvantage girls, the limit them as well. 

We rise and fall together. Don’t harass other girls. – For example: girls who wear big hoop earrings or short skirts are not “hoes” or “sluts”. When girls degrade other girls in these superficial ways, they bring us all down. When we defend all girls, we all rise together.  We need to stop this gender depreciating madness.

The Safety Card – I am a keen proponent of the safety card – setting up a “what if” system to help teens imagine themselves in difficult situations and then determine an acceptable response. A safety card helps teens negotiate highly charged situations when they feel calm, helping prepare them for situations that may feel more out of control. For example, if you feel very depressed and even suicidal, what can you do?  If you found a friend was self-harming by cutting what could you do? If you found one of your friends had drunk too much alcohol at a concert, what could you do? Talking to teens when they are calm in hypothetical situations helps to acknowledge two important aspects of life in Hong Kong.  First, as adults we know that these behaviours do occur, we are not lecturing but helping them negotiate a potential situation. Second, we are enabling them when they are calm to set out set of steps that they can follow if they ever find themselves in difficult situations.

Let’s build a next generation of girls that are stronger, less impeded, and even more liberated than the generation that came before them.

#Internationalwomensday #feminism #teens

About the author- Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist who works with many teens, helping them become stronger, more resilient individuals.

In the words of Drag Goddess, Ru Paul Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?” As a counsellor, I’ve met so many people who dedicated to demonstrating their love of others, but do not seem to demonstrate love of themselves.

When we celebrate love, prioritize to give yourself love first.

What is self-love?

Practicing self-love means ensuring that you invest enough time and energy in yourself to make sure you have enough love in your life, are kind to yourself, and are grateful for all that you have achieved in life. Sounds easy, right? Now you know this, you can wake up from the trance of unworthiness. Yet it seems so much other to love others ahead of loving ourselves.

What prevents us practicing Self-Love?

Ain’t got time for that.

You are in control of your time, so if you think that you don’t have the time for self-love, I would ask you to challenge how you have chosen to spend your time. How is it allocated? Could you give up scrolling the internet in order to create time for self-love? Could you give up your late-night TV watching?

It is important that you create time for your goals, including the goal to love yourself first. Reallocate your time, delegate tasks to others, challenge what you believe are your priorities so that you create time to prioritise yourself. I remember when my first daughter was born. She was my beautiful dolly. Each day I would take great care in the outfits she would wear out. One day my husband needed to look after her instead of me. He sent me a photo of them at the playground. Was my daughter really out, in public, in her pyjamas? The horror! In reality she was having fun, and he was being a great dad. The outtake was a gift, relax about her wardrobe. It was a priority which, really, wasn’t important.

Putting others, probably everyone else, first.

Running yourself ragged in order to look after everyone else is a recipe for disaster. Burning yourself out, just so you can have a rest, is a little extreme. An audit of your time may raise if you are performing activities only because of other’s expectations rather than for your own benefit. Are you a people pleaser? I want you to challenge this default. You do not need to be class mum! You do not need to pick up other people’s kids. Say no, move on, let go. Remember that in order to take care of others, you need to first take care of yourself.

Why do we do this? This dedication to others is a trap. People want proof of life that they exist. When people call on you, you may feel recognised, required, even, important. In reality your sense of self-worth can only be filled from within. On their deathbed, the dying do not regret completing that last load of dishes, they regret not pursuing their dreams or spending time with people they love. Not doing the to do list set by others.

Self-love is different from being entitled. When a person feels entitled, they believe that something should be theirs, even without effort or merit. This is not the same as recognising and acknowledging your self-worth and setting expectations accordingly.

Oh, the shame!

You may be embarrassed that self-love could be your goal. People tend not to praise other’s self-care achievements. “Look at Claire taking a break – go girl”. “Wow John, good for you that you got yourself a massage to relieve the stress in your shoulders.” Life is too short for you to be concerned with what anyone else thinks.

We are ashamed when we take care of ourselves – this is a trap. Let go of the belief that if you want to take care of yourself that there is something wrong with you. It is important that you preserve and protect the greatest asset that you possess – you.

When I love myself enough.

I find one way to tackle the topic of self-love with clients is to ask them to articulate some of the things they would do differently when they love themselves enough. Some of the common elements of self-love include:

Accept that you have goals.

It is important that you accept the types of person that you may need to be in order to achieve your goals. Many women, in the past, have been criticised for being ambitious. Don’t be embarrassed if you have a goal. When we love ourselves enough, we prioritise our development. We follow our dreams and work to free ourselves of the shackles of shame that others may try to impose.

Prioritising your goals.

Part of a self-love routine is to set your priorities around your life goals rather than concepts of ‘urgency”. Stephen Covey in this instrumental book, the Seven Habits, outlines a method to help prioritize tasks/activities into quadrants. I have adapted this slightly in the figure on the left. We all understand the concept of urgency. The concept of importance is somewhat trickier to clarify, and you may benefit from talking to a coach our counsellor about this. For a task to be important it needs to help achieve a value for which you want to be recognised. For example, if you want to become a senior leader in your future, you will prioritise those tasks where you have been given the opportunity to shine as a leader over those where you are simply a contributing voice.

Establish a self-care routine.

A well-rounded self-care routine is essential to your well being. This is an essential element of having a positive growth mindset. You deserve care, it is an investment in you. This would probably include eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and watching drug and alcohol consumption. How do you do, even on that short self-care checklist?

Develop an accepting self, not just self-acceptance.

Self -acceptance is saying to yourself, “I like me”. Developing an accepting-self allows us to also allow ourselves to fall down occasionally, and believe this is also okay and acceptable. This attitude of unconditional kindness towards yourself, whatever you may be experiencing helps us grow. You are a work in progress, and that is wonderful.

Add the voices of self-compassion and an inner-cheerleader, to any dialogue with your inner critic.

Our inner -critic is only just a judgemental voice who breaks us down. Sometimes it plays a role similar to a responsible parent, telling us to get out of bed and go to work, get that report completed, pay your taxes! Listening only to your inner-critic can lead to feelings of inadequacy and desire to avoid activities – denying your to do list whilst you glut watch Netflix.

When you add the voice of self-compassion and your inner-cheerleader to the dialogue the script changes significantly. You give yourself the chance to recognise and acknowledge feelings you may have around a challenge. You may produce a report you don’t really feel confident producing. Acknowledge the at many people might feel nervous in that situation. Your inner cheerleader can then add their voice. “You can do this, just give it a go”. This is when your inner critic may help – with practical advice “

Thrive rather than, merely, survive

Many of us have grown up in household with complex emotional environments. Perhaps your parents were too harsh, or not present, or you found it hard to be accepted. Almost all of us have sacrificed parts of ourselves in response to our childhood and adolescence. Perhaps it is time for you to thrive rather than just survive, overcome our box of darkness issues. IF this describes your situation you may find the articles at the end of this blog helpful.

When we love ourselves first and foremost.

When we love ourselves first and foremost, we let go of the feeling that something is wrong with us, that we are not good enough. You exist. You matter. You are loved.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologists who works with couples and individuals to help them have better relationships as well as improved mental health.

#reddoor #love  #selfhelp #selfcare #selfesteem #wellbeing #selfcompassion #goalsetting  #relationshipadvice  #relationshipadvice #relationshipgoals  #relationshipadvice

Further reading you might enjoy

Let it go, let it grow

Past hurts and old injustices can keep people stuck in old patterns of behaviour and thought traps. Bad memories can be like emotional quicksand, and can consume your thoughts taking command of your day-dreams, and leave you feeling obsessed over perceived or real losses, betrayals, and inequities.

The American poet, Mary Oliver wrote of her experience of death in the poem “The Uses of Sorrow”: “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

I must use this quote at least once a week in therapy with clients, especially those who are navigating the painful paths initiated by the actions of a loved one, a spouse who walks out, a broken friendship, the death of someone special. In our moments of shock and grief, it is indeed like we have been given a box of darkness to unpack and cope with. So painful and debilitating, action seems pointless and enormously necessary at the same time.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/18/the-box-of-darkness-dealing-with-painful-gifts/

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Do you want to make your romantic relationship better? It is possible. From my experience of working with couples, helping them to reconnect, here are a few considerations that I believe can make your relationship stronger.

Commit to communication.

In all relationships, communication is key. I have clients, considering separation, who can count the words expressed between her and her partner over the course of an evening on less than her 10 fingers. Communicating with each other keeps us connected and is essential when you are in conflict with each other. Rather than focusing on snappy comebacks when you argue, take a moment to reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying, before adding your opinion. Using “I feel” rather than “You did” type of comments helps keep some of the dialogue constructive. By owning your experience you can better deal with conflict. When conflict arises remember to slow communication down, ensure that each partner is heard before you consider your response. Also avoid wanting to score points at the cost of your relationship.

The Gottman institute – a leading relationship research and training facility in the US reminds couples of their 5:1 rule. You should be expressing 5 positive sentiments to your partner for ever single negative or critical comment. Think about the balance in your interactions, and make this small change.

Good communication is like oxygen to a relationship. Give your relationship the breath of life that it needs.

Stay engaged and interested.

Remember how you were in the early days of your love, you knew everything about each other’s days. As time goes on, couples can become disconnected and their relationship focused on the fulfillment of a to do list. Take time to spend time understanding your partner’s experience of the day. What was the best thing that happened to them today? Did anything happen today that made them angry? Show up and show your interest.Building a stronger understanding of your shared experience allows you to build more positive times together.

Be your best self.

Give them the best of you, rather than saving it for others. Often, we are kinder to strangers or people we hardly know than people who are closest to us. Ask yourself, “Who gets the “best” of me?” and then ask, “Who gets the worst?”. Are you taking your workplace stress out on your partner? In addition to sharing your kindest and most sincere communication with your life partner, honour the promises you make to them first, before others.

Learn your language of love.

The best way to convey your love for your partner is to express your love in the language of love that they prefer. The 5 languages of love include words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, time sharing and acts of service (you can conduct an assessment of your style on the website of author Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com) . We want to receive love in the matter that we most appreciate. Understanding each other’s preferences is the ultimate form of respect.

Happy Valentine’s Day – I hope your romance grows stronger after trying these techniques.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a qualified counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling. She conducts couples’ therapy as well as runs con- joint co-parenting programmes.

Attached is another article you might find helpful if you are experiencing the same argument repeatedly in your relationship You can break free of those negative conflict cycles.

Groundhog day in relationships – having the same argument again and again, and again…..

#valentinesday

#couplecounselling

#marriage

#love

#relationshipgoals

#couple

#relationships

#lovequotes

#dating

#relationshipadvice

We can’t, as parents of teenagers, simply prohibit them from being on the internet, and it’s almost impossible to out-manoeuvre an internet-savvy teen. Instead, I suggest that you work collaboratively with them to keep them safe and protect their self-esteem.

Much of the advice you will find on the internet aims to help parents better control their child’s interactions online. Today’s teens are informed about internet risks, but you can help them navigate these challenges to keep their reputation safe, watch your wallet, and keep them out of trouble.

Teens are distinctly different from children. What I propose for teens is not what I suggest for children. Once your child enters the teen years, independence online and offline becomes a continual negotiation.

Teens’ social media lives raise a plethora of issues that they can learn to navigate collaboratively with their parents. To do this effectively, suspend your desire to dictate decisions and agendas. Allow discussion and negotiation to occur, and listen to the ideas your teen has in mind. Open, non-judgmental communication will be your greatest asset. The teen years for parents involve conceding any desire to control your child to protect them.

Talk with your teen about what they think is okay to post on social media regarding their lives. You may need to negotiate with them, and you might lose this discussion. Be prepared to compromise in order to remain engaged.

My own teen posts photos that I consider “too sexy.” It made me reflect on my motives for trying to control her online image. Do I think she is acting too provocatively? Is my perception tied to my social values about what teens should look like? Although I don’t necessarily agree with her posts, I recognize who she is in real life. We often laugh about what’s missing from her outfit in a photo. I can see her online presence and how people celebrate her, rather than the creepy boogeyman I initially anticipated.

That said, we must acknowledge that social media influences how teens, particularly young women, see themselves in comparison to others. The internet can exert a strong influence over teens’ self-esteem. This situation used to be exacerbated by magazines; now, they have exposure to thousands of retouched, fabricated lives and stories daily. Discussing with teens how “real” their profiles are, and how authentic the lives of others are online, is essential. Ask openly: Do you feel better or worse about yourself after scrolling through Instagram? Encourage teens to assess what “perfect” means on the internet. It’s crucial they recognize that a concept of perfection is an illusionary construct.

Social media is central to teens’ social lives. Seeking new contacts on Snapchat and Instagram allows teens to develop friendships outside their school year groups, in different schools, and in various parts of the city. Additionally, some teens who feel marginalized often find great support online. We generally encourage this diversification of friendships, especially for girls, who might regularly experience exclusion.

However, discuss friendship parameters with your teen. For example: What age range is sensible for them to interact with? For my teen, a general 18-month to 2-year gap applies. For younger teens, this range might be too broad; perhaps sticking to the same year group is more appropriate. Kids seek the power to choose, so letting them negotiate some of these boundaries can be helpful. Avoid the temptation to ban members of the opposite sex or potential romantic partners, as this may lead to secrecy rather than compliance.

What I do encourage is that teens get the chance, in groups, to meet the people they talk to online in real life. In counselling, I often sense how close many of those online relationships feel to teenagers. Often, they feel they can share more openly and deeply with those they’ve never met. But encourage your teen to convert online friendships to real-life situations. Online friends can be volatile and may shift from supportive to adversarial quickly, and sometimes the information shared can be deliberately deceptive. Discuss what they prefer about their online versus offline friends, helping them recognize the advantages of each.

Encourage your teen to make decisions about their profile independently, not influenced by others, including you. Peer pressure to post controversial content is more common than you might think. Conversations about what good friends expect from them and what they feel comfortable sharing will help them express who they are.

This brings us to bullying. Bullying online is rampant. Your child’s school will have a policy regarding this behaviour and may involve the police depending on the act. Your child will likely recount a story of internet bullying they’ve heard at school. Ask them about it. Instead of simply addressing right and wrong, ask them what might have driven a bully to act that way, what their agenda could be, and why they’d want others to feel a specific way. Encouraging this kind of reflective dialogue helps teens understand human vulnerabilities that can lead to careless online behaviour.

Also, inquire if they ever get contacted by people who make them uncomfortable, and ask how they’ve handled it. Teens are aware of potential creeps, but they might not know what to do. Talking to their friends can yield valuable advice, and horror stories can serve as learning experiences. My teen simply blocks anyone who gives her a bad vibe. In discussing it further, she explained that the “weird vibe” often came from strangers contacting her out of the blue. Most of her contacts are friends of friends, and she asks her connections for background information to determine if someone is worth engaging with. Reinforce her careful decision-making regarding whom to block.

We also need to talk about vent pages, which teens often use to express their anxiety and pain. Venting online may lead to regret later, as these expressions contribute to their online reputation and can be distressing for others. Teens may not realize that expressions of wanting to “disappear” or harm themselves can trigger their peers. This can result in serious consequences, as I’ve seen with several teen clients. While I believe in helping teens express themselves, we must also find appropriate avenues for this. Encourage an old-fashioned diary instead—but don’t snoop through it!

It’s important to also address the use of AI chatbots. Many teens are turning to these bots as a source of support for their mental health. While they can offer accessibility and a degree of comfort, it’s crucial to remember that AI systems lack the emotional understanding and nuanced judgement of trained professionals. They can provide unsafe advice or misinterpret a teen’s needs, sometimes even reinforcing harmful beliefs. Therefore, while teens may find them convenient, it’s vital to stress that these tools should never replace real human connections and support from trusted adults.

The Role of AI Chatbots in Teen Mental Health: A Cautionary Perspective

The teen years are such an interesting time, and independence is the goal of this period. Negotiating internet safety with your teen rather than enforcing strict rules can help you navigate this important transition. Open, non-judgmental communication lays the groundwork for better protection and future collaboration.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens to improve their mental health. She also works with families and adult clients. You can contact Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk.

We have three teen focused counsellors at RED DOOR..

#teens

#teenager

#socialmedia

#internetsafety

#parenting

#bullying

Bullying at school – How to protect your child.

Since early 2020 we have been experiencing continual threat from the COVID 19 virus and the numerous variants that have developed. COVID has impacted our lives significantly – how and when we can socialise, go to work or school, travel, see family, celebrate special occasions, even say goodbye to loved ones. All aspects of our regular life seem to have been altered. And we do not know when this will end. This leaves us in a repeating cycle of anxiety and flight/fight type of responses.

Anxiety can be a crippling emotional challenge. As a psychologist and counsellor I work with clients dealing with their anxiety and I want to share some information about this condition and its management.

A strategy of waiting for normalcy to return is impractical. Pandemics take years to work out so please consider adjusting to a new normal of living with COVID-19 for now.

It’s not only exhausting to spend so much time in a state of high alert, but it can also be physically damaging. The physical consequences of acute stress can include high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and exacerbation of various inflammatory illnesses. After more than 2 years of stress, people may need to explore more than some deep breathing exercises to calm their nervous systems down.

If you feel flooded with COVID-Anxiety:

• Limit your time scrolling news about new cases and the current situation. Measure your experience of anxiety when you are looking at news sources. Sometimes no news is a good approach.
• Acknowledge your anxiety – give it a voice, but not a megaphone. Talk to your anxiety as you would a worried child. Accept that it exists, how it might perceive the situation, and offer alternative ways of looking at the issue. Be kind to yourself.
• Seriously consider talking to a therapist at this time. Sometimes the process of just expressing your anxiety to a properly qualified listener will help. We often can not change a situation, but bottling up our anxiety and feeling trapped within it will only make one feel more stuck.
• Perspective is important. Try to focus on what is positive in your life when you feel weighed down by the difficulty of dealing with this situation. Many of us have not seen family, for years.  Sometimes this might feel very difficult. You may actually benefit from being thankful that things are not worse. If you get stuck a negative through cycle, start your next thought with the line, “at least ….. “.
• Be careful when you share information. Search for facts, not rumours. At the same time, share facts not opinions – seriously wear a mask, get your vaccine, do your bit.
• Don’t judge those who leave, or those who stay in your area as the number of cases grows or fluctuates. People make the choices that they think are best for their family.
• Practice being grateful. Gratitude allows you to stay positive.
• Challenge your thinking. We often employ cognitive filters when we interpret information and this can increase our anxiety. For example, if you tend to catastrophise situations it will possibly lead to exacerbated anxiety. Take a look at the following article which might help. (https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/)

Working actively on your anxiety can help to reduce it. Sometimes talking to a professional might help. If you’d like to tackle your anxiety with Angela, or one of our other therapists, in Hong Kong, contact us at angelaw@reddoor.hk or SMS to 852-93785428.

anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #stress #ptsd #therapy #health #wellness #anxietyrelief #covid #anxietyawareness

It’s tempting to set new goals at the beginning of the year. As a counsellor, I encourage our clients to invite change into their lives. As a psychologist, I need to be able to share what makes change, through goal setting, more successful.

Here are 7 elements that will help you better achieve your goals.

1.Be SMART

 If you want to achieve a goal its important that you know what that goal looks like. For example, you might want to lose 10 kilos in this year. What do you have to do to lose this weight? Normally this would involve a combination of diet and exercise goals to make the weight loss possible. So how often are you going to exercise? What kind of exercise are you going to do? Is this the kind of exercise that typically helps people lose weight? What kind of diet changes are you going to make? How often are you going to eat, or not eat, this way? These smaller questions make your goals SMART – an acronym representing Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time Bound. Setting SMART goals will help you understand your success in specific steps. But this is not enough, our other six ideas will help you gain the momentum to actually get required actions done

2. Tell the world.

There is a plethora of research as to how public posting of information increases not only one’s perception of being accountable, but helps people achieve their goals better. If you are the only person who knows that you didn’t achieve your goal that day, there is no pressure. Telling the world, or a team your goals, is asking others to keep an eye on your achievements.

3. Be a groupie.

Find a group of people with similar goals. Often, we are better cheerleaders for others than we are for ourselves. Join or set up a group to help keep you on track with your goals this year. Helping others achieve their goals will also create out some competitive elements for you to also show you are able to do the work.  

4. DO rather than DON’T.

Framing your goals in positive style language, rather than negative, helps you feel more positive about them. No body likes to feel like they are missing or losing something. By adding a goal, you can start with a more positive framework.

5. Plan for potholes.

People fail to achieve their goals because they do not plan to stumble or fail in their interim goals, and once they do, the abandon their overall goals. “I missed my exercise today, so I will just give up”. Planning for potholes, or small stumbles, is not only a compassionate way to treat yourself, its actually more realistic than expecting a flawless execution of your goal plan. If you missed a day of exercise, make up for it, or note it down and move on. A goal is a culmination of many days of effort, not one alone.

6. Own your goals.

Your goals should be set by you, for you. Other people do not need to tell you what your goals should be. Write about how you imagine you think your life will be better or different if you can achieve your goals. How might you feel? These are your goals to achieve, or to not achieve – no one else’s.

7. Set yourself some rewards to reinforce your success.

Did you like star charts as a kid? If you did, set yourself a new, adult star chart. Reward yourself with an appropriate reward at key junctures. If you want to lose 10 kilos, reward yourself whenever you lose 0.5 kilos. You need to select appropriate and supportive rewards.  A piece of cake would not be a supportive reward when weight loss if your goal.

#goals #2022 #mentalhealth #weightloss #REDDOOR

When you are deciding on how to approach early, or continuing, intervention strategies to help your child with special educational needs, it maybe overwhelming.

Here are some thoughts that might help parents views the situation in a systematic and manageable way. I am writing this not only from the perspective of a psychologist who leads a team of intervention focused practitioners, but also as the parent of a child with autism. Even as a psychologist I found navigating this territory difficult, understanding who really could help and had the best intentions for my child.  .

Intervention provides might include speech language therapy, occupational therapy, and behavioural skill therapy.

Finding a good partner to help you with intervention practices.

The right kind of partner –  It is important to work with key providers who really HELP.

They should have a (H) helpful and holistic perspective of your child. Being the parent of a child who required special educational adjustments is worrying. Your provider can help you see the strengths is your child as well as their challenges. They need to look at the activities needed today and in the future.

They should have a clear (E) evaluation road map for your child. They should able to tell you what key skills need to be developed, and why, show you a road map and help update you where your child is in their development. Your intervention provider should contribute to, even lead the IEP (Individual Education Plan) or IDP (Individual Development Plan). That whole plan should be updated 3-4 times a year, if your child is under 8. For children 9-12 year old, the plans should be updated 2-3 times a year. From the age of 12, their plans need to be completely reworked in line with the second wave of development. See this article for more information

Activating the Second Wave – Intervention for teens experiencing learning challenges.

Listening (L) and cooperating with you is really important. You are the current expert on your child and your team should feel like real team members with a shared goal. It’s important that your fears, your worries, aspirations are heard.

Planning (P) is also important. Any intervention strategy should be clear to you and you should be able to turn up, or down,  the volume as needed. You should be able to place scenario within an overall agenda.

Respectful. You may have heard that there is a lot of negative feedback from neurodiverse adults who were subjected to ABA therapy. Their main complaint is that the actions that they use to regulate their emotions, often seen as “stimming”, has been treated in a negative way. Our knowledge of “how to best help” kids who have delays expand with information every year. We now understand that making kids “look normal” shouldn’t take precedence over their need to feel reassured and safe. Ask your provider how they approach and treat “stimming” behaviours such as hand flapping, jumping, hair twisting. It is important that you are truly comfortable with their approach and that their approach is respectful to the needs of your child.

Goal-oriented. The purpose of an overall plan, and each element and activity within the plan should be completely clear to you. When kids are under the age of ten, our intervention efforts are often focused in a more concentrated manner towards helping the child start to achieve age expected behavioural, academic or communicative goals. This model is often referred to as a deficit model. I prefer to think of it of these behaviours as creating equalizing opportunities for these children. As your child becomes older, you will want the focus to alter – so that expansion of their key skills becomes a greater focus. This strengths focus helps prepare your child for potential vocation opportunities.

Fair -It is important that you believe that intervention therapies are fairly priced. It takes a lot of energy and education to provide appropriate intervention strategies and activities. As a provider I can tell you that it isn’t cheap to provide these services well. However, as a parent I have seen many programmes that are ‘eye=-wateringly” expensive. I encourage you to select a partner where you feel that you are getting a fair service for a fair price.

Lastly, please watch if your caregivers and intervention providers really care about the kids that they are helping. Warm relationships work wonders. Be sure that your child is being stretched by a person who really cares about them, and is interested in their development.

These are both my personal and professional opinions. When you start this journey, it is hard to know those who really care from those who are trying to just go through the motions, or overcharge and under deliver. Life is hard enough. Use the above guidelines and I hope you, and your child, can get the support you definitely deserve.

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