In the words of Drag Goddess, Ru Paul Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?” As a counsellor, I’ve met so many people who dedicated to demonstrating their love of others, but do not seem to demonstrate love of themselves.

When we celebrate love, prioritize to give yourself love first.

What is self-love?

Practicing self-love means ensuring that you invest enough time and energy in yourself to make sure you have enough love in your life, are kind to yourself, and are grateful for all that you have achieved in life. Sounds easy, right? Now you know this, you can wake up from the trance of unworthiness. Yet it seems so much other to love others ahead of loving ourselves.

What prevents us practicing Self-Love?

Ain’t got time for that.

You are in control of your time, so if you think that you don’t have the time for self-love, I would ask you to challenge how you have chosen to spend your time. How is it allocated? Could you give up scrolling the internet in order to create time for self-love? Could you give up your late-night TV watching?

It is important that you create time for your goals, including the goal to love yourself first. Reallocate your time, delegate tasks to others, challenge what you believe are your priorities so that you create time to prioritise yourself. I remember when my first daughter was born. She was my beautiful dolly. Each day I would take great care in the outfits she would wear out. One day my husband needed to look after her instead. He sent me a photo of them at the playground. Was my daughter really out, in public, in her pyjamas? The horror! In reality she was having fun, and he was being a great dad. The outtake was a gift, relax about her wardrobe. It was a priority which, really, wasn’t important.

Putting others, probably everyone else, first.

Running yourself ragged in order to look after everyone else is a recipe for disaster. Burning yourself out, just so you can have a rest, is a little extreme. An audit of your time may raise if you are performing activities only because of other’s expectations rather than for your own benefit. Are you a people pleaser? I want you to challenge this default. You do not need to be class mum. You do not need to pick up other people’s kids. Say no, move on, let go. Remember that in order to take care of others, you need to first take care of yourself.

Why do we do this? This dedication to others is a trap. People want proof of life that they exist. When people call on you, you may feel recognised, required, even, important. In reality your sense of self-worth can only be filled from within. On their deathbed, the dying do not regret completing that last load of dishes, they regret not pursuing their dreams or spending time with people they love. Not doing the to do list set by others.

Self-love is different from being entitled. When a person feels entitled, they believe that something should be theirs, even without effort or merit. This is not the same as recognising and acknowledging your self-worth and setting expectations accordingly.

Oh, the shame!

You may be embarrassed that self-love could be your goal. People tend not to praise other’s self-care achievements. “Look at Claire taking a break – go girl”. “Wow John, good for you that you got yourself a massage to relieve the stress in your shoulders.” Life is too short for you to be concerned with what anyone else thinks.

We are ashamed when we take care of ourselves – this is a trap. Let go of the belief that if you want to take care of yourself that there is something wrong with you. It is important that you preserve and protect the greatest asset that you possess – you.

When I love myself enough.

I find one way to tackle the topic of self-love with clients is to ask them to articulate some of the things they would do differently when they love themselves enough. Some of the common elements of self-love include:

Accept that you have goals.

It is important that you accept the types of person that you may need to be in order to achieve your goals. Many women, in the past, have been criticised for being ambitious. Don’t be embarrassed if you have a goal. When we love ourselves enough, we prioritise our development. We follow our dreams and work to free ourselves of the shackles of shame that others may try to impose.

Prioritising your goals.

Part of a self-love routine is to set your priorities around your life goals rather than concepts of ‘urgency”. Stephen Covey in this instrumental book, the Seven Habits, outlines a method to help prioritize tasks/activities into quadrants. I have adapted this slightly in the figure on the left. We all understand the concept of urgency. The concept of importance is somewhat trickier to clarify, and you may benefit from talking to a coach our counsellor about this. For a task to be important it needs to help achieve a value for which you want to be recognised. For example, if you want to become a senior leader in your future, you will prioritise those tasks where you have been given the opportunity to shine as a leader over those where you are simply a contributing voice.

Establish a self-care routine.

A well-rounded self-care routine is essential to your wellbeing. This is an essential element of having a positive growth mindset. You deserve care, it is an investment in you. This would probably include eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and watching drug and alcohol consumption. How do you do, even on that short self-care checklist?

Develop an accepting self, not just self-acceptance.

Self -acceptance is saying to yourself, “I like me”. Developing an accepting-self allows us to also allow ourselves to fall down occasionally, and believe this is also okay and acceptable. This attitude of unconditional kindness towards yourself, whatever you may be experiencing helps us grow. You are a work in progress, and that is wonderful.

Add the voices of self-compassion and an inner-cheerleader, to any dialogue with your inner critic.

Our inner -critic is only just a judgemental voice who breaks us down. Sometimes it plays a role similar to a responsible parent, telling us to get out of bed and go to work, get that report completed, pay your taxes! Listening only to your inner-critic can lead to feelings of inadequacy and desire to avoid activities – denying your to do list whilst you glut watch Netflix.

When you add the voice of self-compassion and your inner-cheerleader to the dialogue the script changes significantly. You give yourself the chance to recognise and acknowledge feelings you may have around a challenge. You may produce a report you don’t really feel confident producing. Acknowledge the at many people might feel nervous in that situation. Your inner cheerleader can then add their voice. “You can do this, just give it a go”. This is when your inner critic may help – with practical advice “

Thrive rather than, merely, survive

Many of us have grown up in household with complex emotional environments. Perhaps your parents were too harsh, or not present, or you found it hard to be accepted. Almost all of us have sacrificed parts of ourselves in response to our childhood and adolescence. Perhaps it is time for you to thrive rather than just survive, overcome our box of darkness issues. IF this describes your situation you may find the articles at the end of this blog helpful.

 

When we love ourselves first and foremost.

When we love ourselves first and foremost, we let go of the feeling that something is wrong with us, that we are not good enough. You exist. You matter. You are loved.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologists who works with couples and individuals to help them have better relationships as well as improved mental health.

#reddoor #love  #selfhelp #selfcare #selfesteem #wellbeing #selfcompassion #goalsetting  #relationshipadvice  #relationshipadvice #relationshipgoals  #relationshipadvice

Further reading you might enjoy

Let it go, let it grow

Past hurts and old injustices can keep people stuck in old patterns of behaviour and thought traps. Bad memories can be like emotional quicksand, and can consume your thoughts taking command of your day-dreams, and leave you feeling obsessed over perceived or real losses, betrayals, and inequities.

Let it Go, Let it Grow

The box of darkness: Dealing with painful “gifts”.

The American poet, Mary Oliver wrote of her experience of death in the poem “The Uses of Sorrow”: “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

I must use this quote at least once a week in therapy with clients, especially those who are navigating the painful paths initiated by the actions of a loved one, a spouse who walks out, a broken friendship, the death of someone special. In our moments of shock and grief, it is indeed like we have been given a box of darkness to unpack and cope with. So painful and debilitating, action seems pointless and enormously necessary at the same time.

The box of darkness: Dealing with painful “gifts”.

I’ve written extensively about the epidemic of anxiety resulting from the novel coronavirus. A second mental health challenge is created by the stress of working and living with your partner 24/7. Even if you love your partner to bits, does working and living together all day and night, make you want you pull them to pieces?

Add to this, children off school, and some people may find that their sense of humour has left the building, even though, they are stuck at home.

Here are some coping techniques that might help.

You zone or mine? Create clear work zones for each person. It’s tempting to drift. Allocate zones exclusively for persons or activities, and even for specific activities within specified time periods. For example in our home – the master bedroom is for work calls during 9-6. Not all calls take place in that room, but if you require privacy it is to be respected there. Asking for silence in the lounge is just not realistic.

Celebrate the end of the day: Celebrate the work of the end day with a change of activity. This is now partner time or family time. Go for a walk. Play a game. Talk. Everyone working from home can be stressful, so check how your home-based-workmates are doing.

Remember that experiments are imperfect: We are inadvertently participating in a countrywide “work from home” experiment, for all family members. Even if your organization has a robust business continuity plan to activate, there will be a number of tweaks required within our new reality. In my past life I contributed to various business continuity plans, but at no time did I consider that I would have to build in  a “hands on” parenting aspect that novel coronavirus has introduced.  Your employer is also finding there feet in these uncertain times, evolving how they continue to provide services to their clients, and so their expectations of you may change day to day. Sometimes it seemed that remote work would be impossible, only to find this is not the case at all. 

Schedule flexibily: That said scheduling might help create some order in the chaos within your home. Try to create some structure – who has calls, and when when? Who will take care of shopping or dinner? Which parent will work with the kids, and when? Schedule only one or two days in advance, and remember it can all change. That is okay.

Kindness is king: You may feel anxious because of Covid-19. That is to be expected. It may be inconvenient to have to share your lounge office with your partner. You could become irritated. The situation may be irritating. Regardless you choose how you respond to any situation. Demonstrate kindness, it pays greater dividends in the long run.

Be aspirational: Remember this too will pass, every person encounters challenges in their lives. How we respond to these challenges determines how well we will deal with the next challenge (and there will be one). Think about the values and attributes that you want to be admired for possessing – because this is the time to demonstrating them.

Or just live, day-to-day:  If you are not coping – that’s okay too. We all fall down sometimes. Tomorrow is another day.

Lots of love, Angela

 

If you are overwhelmed or worried about your ability to cope at this time our counsellors are still around during the crisis. Send an SMS to 93785428 or email Angela at reception@reddoor.hk and we will try to help.

Also consider to read (or even re-read) our article on coping with anxiety in the times of pandemic. https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2020/02/05/the-ultimate-cure-to-the-current-pandemic/

Anxiety can be a crippling emotional challenge. As a psychologist and counsellor I work with clients dealing with their anxiety and I want to share some information about this condition and its management.

What spreads the contagion of anxiety?

• Anxiety is made worse when it is fed. Searching for more information about what was making you anxious will usually increase your anxiety.
• Rumour and mistruths exacerbate our experience of anxiety.
• Sharing rumours on social media is the equivalent of sneezing in a crowded restaurant.  It spreads worry.
• Waiting for normalacy to return is not practical. Pandemics take years to work out so please consider adjusting to a new normal of living with COVID-19 for now.

What cures anxiety in general and COVID 19

• Challenge all sources of information. Media often include panic inciting headlines and bury calming information.
• Acknowledge your anxiety – give it a voice, but not a megaphone. Talk to your anxiety as you would a worried child. Accept that it exists, how it might perceive the situation, and offer alternative ways of looking at the issue. Be kind to yourself.
• Perspective is important. There are some benefits in this situation:When we asked what is positive fans often expressed that they were enjoying aspects of life that are now less hectic –sleeping in, spending time with kids, husbands coming home earlier, commutes taking less time, nice walks with their pets. We have seen the resurgence of cooking and home crafts.
• Be careful when you share information. Search for facts, not rumours. Do not spread the contagion of panic. At the same time, share facts not opinions – seriously wear a mask.
•  Panic buying possibly adds to your experience of panic. Sure if you need toilet paper buy a pack. Don’t buy 10 packs “just in case”.
• Don’t judge those who leave, or those who stay in your area as the number of cases grows. People make the choices that they think are best for their family. In reality they, and you, probably will not contract the virus, and if they do they will survive.
• Face down myths whenever you get the opportunity (https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public/myth-busters)
• Practice being grateful. Gratitude allows you to stay positive
• Challenge your thinking. We often employ cognitive filters when we interpret information and this can increase our anxiety. For example, if you tend to catastrophise situations it will possibly lead to exacerbated anxiety. Take a look at the following article which might help. (https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/)

Working actively on your anxiety can help to reduce it. Sometimes talking to a professional might help. If you’d like to tackle your anxiety with Angela, or one of our other therapists, in Hong Kong, contact us at reception@reddoor.hk or SMS to 852-93785428.

If you are receptive to the idea of setting New Year’s Resolutions but are undecided which resolutions will contribute real positive change to your life we have outlined 5 questions that we believe frame change that will introduce the most meaningful adaptions into your life in the New Year – creating a New You in the New Year.

START. What one behaviour or habit could you start today that you will be thankful for in two to three years time? Perhaps you might considering undertaking a new area of study. Perhaps start a savings plan for that special vacation that you have been dreaming about. How about trying to eat properly, or commit to an exercise plan. Write down your options and consider which you would be most happy about in a few years time.

STOP. I’m sure there is a at least one behaviour that you would benefit from LESS of in the New Year. Think about it, write about it. Consider something that you might consider to eliminate this year. Some ideas you might consider are to quit drinking, smoking, explore your propensity to explode in anger, feelings of jealousy, comparing yourself to others, procrastinations, over-eating, your addiction to technology, controlling others, or overworking.

Do you believe you CAN stop? If you believe, then what is holding you back? Have you tried to measure the impact your ‘STOP’ behaviour on your life, both in terms of financial implications, but also the repercussion on your personal life, your reputation, or your long-term health.

If you doubt if you can stop, then perhaps it might help to consider help. Sometimes a doctor, a counsellor, or even a good friend can help you brainstorm a way out. Try to visualise what your life might be like, if you can just STOP.

MEND. Are you holding onto old hurts or disappointments from the past that disrupt your ability to move forward? Is there a rift in an important relationship in your life that you are grieving?  Ask yourself could you mend some of these rifts or mend some of those hurts? One technique to think your way through these situation is to journal. (https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/03/22/six-fantastic-benefits-of-writing-a-journal/). Specific journal prompts might help you.

•  Who or what event do you find it hard to mend in your mind? What wrong was done to you? Can you see this situation differently from a distance?
•  Would there be a benefit to recover old friendships or relationships? Do you feel safe with that person? Can you better protect yourself in that relationship in the future?
•  Are you still angry about events that have happened in the past. Write about that anger and other feelings. Why do those events continue to hurt you after all the time that has elapsed.

Some perspective and review may help you feel better. Always be kind to yourself in these evaluations. Also acknowledge some hurts are harder to heal. If you have experienced abuse, the mending to be done may not be of that abusive relationship but rather your relationship to yourself. If you need help, consider a counsellor.

ACCELERATE. What positive practices do you engage in that you could accelerate, to your benefit, this year. If you want to be an artist, what commitment could you make this year that could make your dream become closer to reality. Perhaps you could commit to completing one piece of work a week. If you recently started your own business what key resources will you need to commit to getting this business off the ground. Are you working on this as many hours as it needs? Contemplate what activities bring you new clients – either directly or indirectly – and how can you pump up the volume on those tasks? Ideally, you are probably doing so many positive undertakings on a weekly basis, what could you DO MORE with real benefit to your goals?

LEAVE BEHIND. In the tradition of closing one door, so that another can open, consider leaving something, even someone, behind as the old year ends and a new one begins. Are you involved in relationships that are toxic to you or sabotage your achievement of your goals? Review the people and practices in which you engage, do they hinder or help you? What person or practice could you let go of, in order to let yourself really grow?

If you have detailed a behaviour in response to each of these 5 provocative questions, then you have the beginning of a game plan for a New You in the New Year.  Well done for spending this time reflecting about what will be of benefit to you. All the best for working on these behaviours in the next year. You should be proud of you.

#reddoor #newyear #Newyearresolutions #behaviorchange

 

 

 

 

Disagreements are to be expected in any relationship. No two people see situations the same, or have completely the same goals. Resolving conflicts in a positive manner will make your relationship stronger, whilst unresolved battled and long-term contempt can erode your relationships’ chance of survival.

Are you fighting fair when you disagree? We outline the best recommendations given in therapy and highlight the work that we do with couples to help them move from belligerent brawling to fighting fair.

 

Agree on rules of engagement.

A set of rules will help keep an argument on track and less confrontational. Common recommendations might include:

• Set a time to argue – don’t just ambush an argument onto your partner
• Argue by mutual consent, and delay your discussion if you are tired or sick – a fair fight requires two able bodied members
• Set a time limit to discuss a topic. If you don’t reach consensus in your time frame either agree to disagree, or take a break to allow each party to consider all of the points.
• Physical violence is a no-no.
• Remember words are weapons – stop hurting the people you love

 

Know and own your feelings.

When you are upset try to avoid to blame others for your feelings and experiences. You would be better to say “When you do …”, “I feel …” rather than label the behaviour. For example, “You are always late; you are so selfish” Rather say. “When you are late, I start to feel nervous”

Your feelings are yours. It is common to hear “You made me mad”. This phrasing attempts to deflect responsibility for your reaction off yourself, but your feelings are yours. That isn’t to say this supports legitimacy of your partners behaviour. People don’t make you mad, you get angry. It is your anger. I would challenge you to consider if you get angry in other situations, outside of your personal relationship. Use feeling words – I feel angry, sad rather than “you are so selfish”, “no wonder I’m angry”. Use I statements – “I feel angry …” rather than “You make me…”

 

Kitchen Sinking.

Keep any argument to the topic you have outlined to discuss. Kitchen sinking occurs when you pull old hurts and disagreements into the current topic under debate. If a number of issues have been accumulating, tackle them one at a time.

 

Point scoring is for bullies.

Your objective isn’t to WIN a fight. If one person wins, the other, even more importantly, the relationship loses. Allow your partner to save face. The purpose of fighting fair is to improve your experience within the relationship. Fighting fair, and resolving disagreements amicably and respectfully strengthens your relationship in the long term.

 

It takes two

Keep your fights between the two of you. Leave family and friends out of your argument. Poor relationship boundaries around your personal issues will have a negative impact on the quality of your long relationship. There is nothing more annoying than having others opinions included in a discussion. Imagine the scene where a partner says to another “Your mother agrees, we should have never gotten married” In particular DO NOT involve children in your arguments, that is deeply unfair to them. Obviously if physical aggression is involved privacy and boundaries are no longer sacred

 

Kindness is king.

Being kind and respectful is extremely helpful in a disagreement. Name calling, bringing up critical confidences in order to hurt another, swearing, making threats are distructive to your relationship. If you owe your partner an apology, then provide it. Some goodwill can go a long way. Issues which involve personal perception and opinion may be impossible to resolve. Agree to disagree if you can and respect this. I’ve seen many couples continue to fight after they’ve agreed to disagree, and that situation, rarely ends well.

 

Control-Alt-Delete.

Even if you have a bad fight you can start again without completely resolving the conflict. Sometimes if you start your day taking shots at each other, one of you can ask, “can we start this again”. You don’t need to continue a fight just because you started it. Respect the possibility to start again, but also commit to have the discussion again at another time. Control-Alt-Delete can’t simply be used to stonewall discussions.

 

Apologise.

If you are in the wrong, apologise. Even if you weren’t in the wrong, but behaved in a hurtful manner apologise. Also, if you are given an apology, accept it. Sometimes in counselling we see couples who do accept their partners apology because it covers only 8/10 things that they believed their partner did wrong. Accept an apology, even if it is incomplete. Once peace has been restored, discussion on areas of dispute will be more likely to be successful.

 

“Fighting fair” cannot involve abuse.

There is a difference between having disagreements and being in an abusive relationship. Abuse can be physical, financial or psychological. Physical abuse includes not only scratching, kicking, hitting and biting but also coerce your partner to have sex, putting your partner into a headlock or holding them against their will. Financial abuse and emotional abuse are less difficult to identify and confirm.

Its worth talking about what emotional abuse is not. It is not emotionally abusive to break up with a partner, or argue with your partner. It is not emotionally abusive when someone reacts to what you have done by stating that they are hurt. It is also not emotional abuse to speak one’s mind with honesty, perhaps more tact could be used, but it isn’t necessarily abuse. Partner’s fight, and often even yell. This doesn’t constitute abuse, unless it is done for the purpose of controlling another person.

Researchers Jacobson and Gottman have a questionnaire that can help you determine if you are being emotionally abused:www.fjcsafe.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Emotional-Abuse-Questionnaire.pdf

While less commonly understood than other forms of abuse, financial abuse is one of the most powerful methods of keeping a person tied to an uneven or even abusive relationship. Financial abuse involves controlling a victim’s ability to produce or manage financial resources. Rarely do they have complete access to money and other resources. When they do have money, they often have to account for every penny they spend. If one partner is shopping for groceries and suddenly finds all cards have been cut off in response to a recent argument, this may be an indication of financial abuse.

 

If you get stuck, get help

If you find yourselves going around in circles on a topic you could consider couples counselling. Couples counselling will help you understand if the issue is the one you are arguing about or is actually a proxy for other unresolved issues, then help the couple work on those challenges.

 

Disagreements are to be expected in any relationship. Resolving conflicts in a positive manner is an indication of maturity and commitment. The next time you fight with your partner, reach for this list and keep your fight fair.

#fighting #relationships #arguments #fightfair #couplescounselling #abuse #reddoor

The legal profession is seen as a robust and optimistic occupation where hard work pays off ⁽⁵⁾. What exactly is the payoff? If one looks beyond the cash remuneration, there are other costs that have not been factored including negative impacts on physical and mental health.

Being a lawyer is stressful ⁽¹⁾. Productivity research from 2019 suggests that 63% of lawyers reported that they experience stress on a daily frequency. Academic research suggests that lawyers are exposed to high levels of occupational stress including role conflict, role overload, too much work, role ambiguity, or negative company politics, and feeling overly responsible for the work of others with heavy mental health consequences including alcohol misuse, depression and daily tension ⁽²⁾.

A few years ago the team at RED DOOR approached a number of senior lawyers in Hong Kong to better understand how the law profession was experiencing and coping with stress. This was ahead of the pandemic. I would expect that the results, which unsurprisingly, indicated that lawyers were stressed, would be consistent with the pre-pandemic trend.

Working in Hong Kong is stressful for many occupations, and it would make sense that lawyers in HK experience stress, had not been assessed, nor has the impact of this stress, and the components of this stress been well explored. Understanding the experience of stress among lawyers in Hong Kong has significant impact on training for lawyers, senior management within law firms, and human resource manager of senior law personnel, and on the mental health protection of professionals in high stress occupations.

Details of the methodology is attached at the end. In essence we summarised the experience of 30 senior lawyers in Hong Kong. Over ¾ of these lawyers were partners at their firms. They represent 21 international law firms in Hong Kong.

Insane work hours.

Hong Kong can lay claim to the #1 workaholic city in the world ⁽³⁾ with an average of 50.1 hours a week when it was compared to another 70 other international cities. Comparing this to the average number of work hours a week within OECD ⁽⁴⁾ countries (of 33.5 hours a week), Hong Kongers work an additional 16 hours a week.

Against this backdrop of excessive work hours, we explored the average work hours of HK lawyers. Among our benchmark survey the average work hours per week was over 55 hours a week. One ¼ of our lawyers worked less than 50 hours a week, and ¾ worked an average of more than 50 hours a week. Only one person worked less than 40 hours a week, but this was still 38 hours a week, so still more than the OECD average. What’s more is that due to a minor methodological error, we may have minimised the average hours a week. Our team made a rookie mistake in this benchmark survey. We set the maximum hours at 65+ hours a week. Thirteen percent of our respondents ticked the maximum number of hours. This means that our calculation of average hours was possibly less than the real numbers worked.

This means that, over a year,  HK lawyers work more than 250 hours more than their other, workaholic, local colleagues.

Whilst there is a common perception that working more hours means achieving more work, but research challenges this association. There are a authorial of research articles highlighting that working beyond 8-10 hours a day, is actually NOT associated with heightened productivity ⁽⁵⁾. In the legal profession these long hours may not make sense from a perspective of productivity, however since lawyer hours translate directly to client billing hours, there may be competing interests with lawyer’s mental health suffering as a consequence.

The experience of stress among HK lawyers.

In addition to working extremely long hours there are some other significant findings regarding the experience of work-related stress from the RED DOOR Benchmark law and stress research.

• 1/3 of HK lawyers report they are not confident to manage the stress that they are under.
• 1/3 of HK lawyers report unsatisfactory or poor work-life balance.
• 50% of lawyers in HK say that they find completing their workload challenging or very challenging.
• Over 46% are stressed over the content and weight of their work.
• 1/3 of HK lawyers express stress over politics in the workplace.
• 23% of the lawyers surveyed say that they don’t have a supportive person to talk to when they feel overwhelmed or stressed.
• 1/3 of HK lawyers express that they do no not have a positive career path
• 23% are stressed over their role at work
• 20% of our lawyers are stressed due to their boss
• 1/3 do not use up their entire leave entitlement.

Therefore, we feel comfortable surmising that HK lawyers are under a considerable amount of stress.

What is contributing to HK lawyers’ experience of stress?

Long hours certainly contribute to stress. A positive correlation (0.55) indicates that as hours increase, experience of stress increases.

Confidence to deal with stress seems to be correlated (0.53) with positive expression of management of the experience of stress.  This echoes other research on the perception of stress. Yale psychologist Alia Crum ⁽⁶⁾ assessing banking employees found that those individuals who could see stress as a positive challenge that enhanced their lives and they could conquer helped people experience fewer negative impact from stress.

A positive work environment – which we said was comprised of having an open culture, access to CSR programmes, autonomy of employees, encouraging use of leave, flexibility of work hours when required, an open and inclusive atmosphere, fair and transparent financial remuneration and other non-financial rewards – was also associated with better experience of stress, and vice versa. More negatively rated workplaces were associated with higher experience of stress.

Limited sleep is associated with stronger experience of stress. Ten percent of our lawyers sleep less than 5 hours a night. An additional 43.3% sleep between 5 to 7 hours. Given the US National Institute of Health recommendation of 7-9 hours a night sleep for adults, more than half of our lawyers capture inadequate rest every night. Most people need adequate (7-9 hours) sleep in order to maintain performance and productivity ⁽⁵⁾ and consistently having less than this can be a risk to their mental health ⁽⁷⁾.

One particularly concerning suggestion is that those who have no one to talk to when they feel stressed or overwhelmed and its association to the expression of stress. Twenty-three percent, nearly ¼ of our lawyers, say they do not have this person. Of those lawyers, 83% experience higher levels of stress than other lawyers in our survey. This has a major impact in planning how we can best manage stress. Talking to someone helps. As a counsellor, I would also advise, talking to someone who is qualified to respond to your experience of stress and other co-morbid experiences (depression, anger, isolation) is heavily recommended.

Lawyers were also asked to express how frequently they felt some concerning other emotional experiences. Considerable lawyers experience other psychological feelings and behaviour, regardless of their experience of stress. Thirty percent say that they feel regularly or frequently depressed. Twenty percent withdraw from social situations or feel isolated. Twenty percent express troubles with anger. Ten percent say that they cry regularly or frequently. So, in addition to stress, many lawyers are experiencing emotions that cause them distress.

Engaging in negative behaviours. Our lawyers were provided with a range of positive and negative practices and asked to rate them in terms of the frequency in which they engaged in those behaviours. When these behaviours were divided into their clear negative or positive possible contributions or reactions to stress, and correlated to their experience of stress, we found that performing negative behaviours is correlated with negative reported experience of stress. This is stronger for our male lawyers than female (0.47 correlation). The most common negative behaviours that lawyers report that they engage in include: eating junk food (36.6%); drinking more than 2 drinks a day (30%); argue with your romantic partner (26.6); argue with their kids (20%); skip meals (20%); and have a cry (16.7).

Poor responses to stress. When asked how they respond we gave our lawyers a selection of ways to deal with stress. Many indicated some poor stress management responses as their most common behaviours: forty-three percent reported they would reach for a drink; twenty-three percent said they would reach for something to eat; ten percent said they would shout at the people around them; and ten percent said they would simply work more.

What do lawyers do well when responding to stress?

When asked how they respond we gave our lawyers a selection of ways to deal with stress. Many indicated positive stress management responses and to be celebrated: Sixty percent exercise regularly; forty-six percent spend time with their family; forty-three percent talk to a colleague; thirty-three percent talk to a friend; thirty percent seek time alone (which could be considered both a positive and negative response); and thirty percent decide it is time to leave the office.

What does this all mean?

What we have learnt from this benchmark survey is that HK lawyers are regularly experiencing stress. We need to be mindful of how we train lawyers to deal with stress and other psychological challenges that arise out of their work hours, work challenges and the behaviours they choose in response to stress. Specific stress management programmes would possibly help. It is important that these are relevant to HK and to the experience of lawyers here. For example, many stress management programmes include training on time management skills. Over 80 percent of our lawyers said that they were good at managing their own time, hence time management training is not required. This would mean that programmes that are not constructed with nuance for lawyers may be another tax on the time of lawyers, who are already working too many hours a week. Specific programmes within individual support requirements may be more effective.

Note: We will conduct a larger scale survey in 2024. If you are interested in participating in the survey or including your specific staff please contact Angela. If you would like to find out more about stress management practice options for yourself or others feel free to contact us at angelaw@reddoor.hk

About the Author: Angela Watkins is an experienced qualified counsellor and psychologist working out of the RED DOOR practice in Hong Kong. Angela specialises in the treatment of anxiety, depression, stress management, and career and lifestyle change.

#law #lawyers #stress #stressmanagement #occupationalstress #HongKong #performance #overwork #lackofsupport #worklifebalance #positiveworkenvironment #sleep #depression #anger #REDDOOR

Methodology: The Experience of stress among senior lawyers in Hong Kong – 2019 Benchmark Study.

HK lawyers experience of stress. 30 lawyers (17 men, 13 women) from 21 international firms working in HK. Over 76% are partners in the firms they work in. Surveys were completed in June and July 2019. 300 lawyers in Hong Kong were selected and contacted to participate in this research and completed an online survey which assessed experience of stress, sleep, reactions to stress, work place practices, hours worked, and access to support. For further information contact RED DOOR at angelaw@reddoor.hk

Cited references:

• Protectivity research 2019
• Hasnain, Nas and Bano, Stress and Well Being of Lawyers 2010.
• UBS report on Cost of Living 2018
• The OECD Better Life Report 2017
• Harvard Business Review article The Research Is Clear: Long Hours Backfire for People and for Companies, Sarah Green Carmichael, 2015
• Alia Crum (with P Salovey and S Achor) Rethinking Stress: The role of mindsets in determining the stress response.
• Zhai, Zhang and Zhang – sleep duration and depression among adults: a meta-analysis. 2015

#careergoals #careerchange #occupationalstress #resiliency #careergoals #futureofwork #stress

Other great articles about career change

Face career change with courage. You can do it

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/facing-career-change-with-courage/

Future success is not an accident. Prepare yourself for the Future of Work

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/defeating-fo-fow/

How to respond to career crisis

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/07/11/start-me-up-responding-to-career-crisis/

Work stress – manage stress for Lawyers.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/11/27/work-hard-stress-harder-understanding-the-experience-of-stress-among-senior-lawyers-in-hong-kong

There are numerous benefits from attending group therapy or therapeutic support groups regarding challenges you may experience with your mental health.

Group therapy, or therapeutic support groups, offer a type of psychological therapy that is run with a group of people rather than between an individual and a mental health professional. Usually members of the group are facing similar issues such as anxiety, addiction, divorce, or bereavement.

Recovery or Reduced experience of psychological stress:  Psychological research supports that many mental health challenges can be treated within an group context.

The end of Isolation:  Hearing about other peoples’ experience of anxiety, depression, addiction, or even bereavement, will help you feel less isolated by your experience of those psychological stressors.

Learn more about yourself: The process of therapy helps an individual explore not just the root and treatments of psychological challenges, but also how to identify and celebrate your strengths and future proof your mental wellbeing.

Help others: Helping other people in the group with their problems may help you with yours. It also feels great to help other people who may be struggling with issues similar to your own.

One last benefit worth mentioning is that you receive the benefit of the therapists advice. Qualified therapists specialise in changing behaviours and mindsets around particular psychological challenges. Group therapy is an economic alternative to individual therapy, and can, even be used as an alternative or in collaboration to one-to-one therapy.

______________

RED DOOR runs therapeutic divorce groups for the following individuals;

Divorce Survivors – our English speaking Divorce Survivors group has been running successfully for more than 2 years. If you are a woman going through divorce in Hong Kong join our group of women going through the process. I promise support and laughter, even when you have been crying. Run Monday evenings.

Anxiety Busters – our new group focused towards alleviating anxiety. You don’t need to suffer alone. Many people suffer from anxiety and therapy groups are often helpful to cope and recover from anxiety

 

If you would like to join one of our therapeutic groups, or provide information on groups that may be of benefit to you, please feel free to contact our reception for more details.

reception@reddoor.hk

 

#anxiety

#grouptherapy

#anxietybusters

#anxietytreatment

 

 

 

 

Every marriage is unique but no marriage is without some troubles. Building a strong relationship helps you both weather the storm of stressful life events such as job loss, change in health, having (or not having) children, death of parents, with grace and support.

Here are our modern marriage rules in order to build the best long-term relationship that is possible in the age of the internet, business travel, and the future of work.

 

The TO DO list.

Laugh together

It is said that laughter is the best medicine, it is also the best glue to keep you and your partner connected. Even stressful horrible circumstances can be made more bearable when you laugh together about that problem. In therapy, when I ask couples when they were last happy together, it will almost always involve an episode where they were laughing about something.

 

Fight Fair

Quarrels do occur in all marriages, unless couples are actively avoiding conflict. It is important that you fight fair when you disagree. Do not include these derogatory weapons when you fight: name calling, stonewalling, gaslighting, or use of threats in order to win. The way to feel better with each other does not involve trying to make someone feel worse first. When you argue, focus on the topic at hand, try to share air time, spend as much time listening as you do speak, and if you can’t agree, take a break and then come back to the issue.

 

Stay intimate

This doesn’t just mean sex. When men talk about intimacy, they often seem to mean sex. For women, intimacy is broader including cuddling, hugging, small signs of affection, holding hands, as well as sex. When intimacy becomes only about sex, perhaps only one partner feels intimate.

 

Invest time and effort into your relationship

Your marriage partnership is probably the most important elective relationship that you enter in your lifetime. Regardless, many couples do not make time to be together, and drift apart over years and years. Dedicate time to your relationship (family time does not count). If you travel excessively put some dedicated time aside to talk to your partner, rather than squeeze in a call when you really can not talk or concentrate. Your partner needs to feel like a priority.

Having children can change the dynamic of your personal love relationship. Whilst it is important that you love your children, do not forget that your personal relationship is essential to the stability of your family.

 

Make a modern-day commitment

Commitment, and exclusivity, is important to remain close to each other. Even couples who have ‘open’ marriages have rules of what is considered an infraction of a commitment. Often what is expected from a commitment is not explicitly stated, and it may be of benefit to do so. Contacting old boyfriends, or having internet (Facebook) relationships, receiving special massages when you travel, all of these are possible infractions of commitment. Ask yourself, would your partner be happy if they knew all the details of what you are doing? If not, perhaps put yourself in check. Commitment also requires that you each feel like your partner is on your side with outside challenges. You may privately disagree, but if possible support your partner when they deal with conflicts at work, or even in their family of origin.

 

Learn from each other

Both of you can help each other become the best that you can be individually as well as a unit, and celebrate this. People’s career and personal goals change as they mature. . Remember the world of work is changing and you may need to prepare for multiple careers instead of one. Are you willing, able and flexible enough to support your partner in the new future of work? Working together as a business partners in your business of WE is just as important of your private business of ME

 

Self-Care

If you want a long life together, make sure that both of you take good care of your physical and mental health which will influence your ability to live a long life. If your partner is overweight, encourage them to lose weight by exercising with them. If your partner is experiencing job stress, encourage them to engage in therapy.

 

Express love everyday

Do not save expression of love for special occasions. Kindness, compliments and actions that make your partner feel special, even a text helps to maintain a positive atmosphere. Tell your partner why they make you proud, what you like about them most, what you admire about them. We often consider spreading kindness to others, but forget to focus on our partner first.

 

Understand your love language

The best way to convey your love for your partner is to express your love in the language of love that they prefer. The 5 languages of love include words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, time sharing and acts of service (you can conduct an assessment of your style on the website of author Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com) . We want to receive love in the matter that we most appreciate. Understanding each other’s preferences is the ultimate form of respect.

 

Communicate

Learn to communicate in a purposeful manner. Monitor your communication style. Are you nagging your partner rather than talking? Do you use silence as a weapon?  Do you

avoid important conversations? These tactics help propagate misunderstanding and feelings of resentment or disappointment in your partner.

Learning to communicate can help you better deal with crisis.   If you have trouble talking without arguing practice active listening. Active listening involves taking turns to speak respectfully, without interruption. Before your partner can respond to your views, they must first summarize what they heard you say. Then they get to speak, you have to listen, without interruption. This process slows communication down and take the heat out of an argument by insuring that both parties have the chance to speak, be heard, and acknowledged for such.

 

Compromise

Marriage is not only about your happiness; it is about sharing the experience of living together. If one party in a marriage constantly gets their way, at the expense of the other, the relationship loses. Take turns picking vacation spots, taking a child to rugby, picking up dinner.

 

 

 

Just DON’T

Expect things to stay that same.

The world will change, and your lives will change, and your partner will change. Take note of the ways that you change and see if this can be aligned, or at least respected. Standing back and claiming that your partner changed and you didn’t, isn’t realistic or helpful.

 

Hate what you use to love

Often, we are drawn to people who are very different from ourselves. Sometimes after marriage we find those exact differences repel us instead of attract us. Appreciating that you are different people, and where you have come from, as we well as you are going, can help you respect each other’s’ differences again. Try to list 3-4 things you like about that difference rather than focusing on the things that you don’t like about it

 

Request perfection

Realising that your partner is not perfect, or as perfect as you once perceived them to be, can lead to criticism and unfair judgement. If your partner was once fit, and now isn’t, encourage them to be fit again, rather than tell them they are unattractive. We are all unique, and imperfect, as we should be.

If your best friend’s partner earns more, weighs less, is taller, stronger etc than your own partner, do not compare. No body every really knows what goes on in their friend’s marriages.

 

Resurrect and replay the past

The past is the past. Bringing up mistakes of the past is demoralising and detrimental. If you find yourself stuck repeatedly exploring old hurts you might like to consider counselling. You can learn from the past, but being stuck in the past, prevents you from building a positive future together.

 

Toxic negotiations.

When you argue with your partner using disrespectful descriptions of them will not help achieve your goals. Negotiation is not about complaining, blaming or bullying. If you want to negotiate appropriately, respect is an integral component if you want your relationship to benefit.

 

Rightly righteous.

Ask yourself, is it more important for you to win a fight, to be right, or to maintain a harmonious relationship. Being married involves some compromise rather than criticism. Delicate feedback is to be appreciated. Dial down the criticism. Admit and apologise when you are wrong.

 

Disparate division of labour.

Who does what, and when, is often the source of conflict in relationships? Not just cleaning, but also child care, organisation, bill payments, working outside of the home, all contribute to the labour that a family requires to keep running smoothly. When division of labour is uneven, or perceived to be unfair, resentment grows. Regular discussion and review of division of labour within the home is to be encouraged.

 

Me not We

Firstly, if one partner gets their way all of the time, or sets all of the family rules, this leads to an imbalance. A situation where what ME (I) wants becomes what WE do, leads to imbalance and resentment.

Secondly, it is said that marriage is the combination of two people who are whole in themselves, rather than the addition two people who are half of what they can be, making 1 unit. Whilst you must continue with your own self-development, you also need to understand that your relationship requires development as well. You need to make sure to develop as an individual, and spend time together developing a life together.

 

Substitutive intimacy

Seeking intimacy through pornography robs men of a real relationship and maligns masculinity within marriage. Marriage is for brave, real, and secure people. Accept no substitutes for real intimacy.

 

Your marriage is important, nurture it and it will flourish. Deprive it of attention, poison with criticism, delay sharing and caring, and it can not grow.

 

#marriagerules #romance #love #respect #intimacy #reddoor #rmentalhealthessentials

When we talk about mental health we refer to your psychological wellbeing. Mental health can be seen as a continuum, like you might see physical health. You may from time to time, have periods of compromised, or poor mental health. If you have poor mental health is not, necessarily, a permanent condition. In much the same way as you might have a physical issue such as diabetes, you can manage the underlying condition to such an extent that it does not impact your experience of health.

We may all experience a reduction in mental health at some point in our lives. Stressful life events such as divorce, family conflicts, financial problems, legal challenges, death of a loved one, loss of a job, or accidents, can have a significant impact on your ability to maintain positive mental health.

What can you do to help booster your mental health?

Just like your physical health you can protect your mental health with various practices such as

Eating well – eat well, and eat regularly. Make sure you stay hydrated

Exercise – moderate exercise is good for producing dopamine, known as the happiness drug

Kind words – use ONLY kind and growth mindset words with yourself. Do not label yourself as a loser.

Be grateful – being grateful keeps us grounded, and helps us realise we have, and are, enough

Live in the now – there is no point trying to relive the past, or worry about the future. All you have to control, and experience is today.

Build positive connections – our relationships to other people help buffer us from stressful life events.

Volunteer – helping others less fortunate than yourself will make you feel better about yourself, and help you gain some perspective on potential first world problems.

Calming activities – engage in activities such as colouring, journaling, mediation.

Sleep – make sure you get enough sleep

Get help – you don’t avoid the doctor when you feel physically unwell, so seek help if you feel that your mental health has been compromised.

Watch for the warning signs – monitor your moods over a few days, or longer. Everyone has bad days, see how long it takes you to bounce back. If you don’t seek help.

Avoid those chemicals and practices which compromise mental health.

 

#mentalhealth #selfhelp #counselling #reddoor #mentalhealthmatters

Going through divorce is extremely stressful wherever you live.

This blog reflects my learnings as the counsellor leader of the IRON FAIRIES for the past 6 years and a proprietary survey  of  women’s experience of divorce in Hong Kong that was completed in 2019.

As a Hong Kong based practice, we were particularly concerned if the experience in Hong Kong appeared different from that experienced from women overseas. An initial comparison of women from HK and other countries (United States, United Kingdom, Australia and others) indicated strikingly similar patterns, indicating the impact of divorce is not strongly contingent on where you live. Regardless of location, over 75% of the women reported that the experience was stressful, and over 90% of those experiencing divorce felt significantly changed by the process.

What concerns women during divorce?

During divorce women face a number of worries. Regardless of the stage of divorce (contemplating divorce, divorce in progress, completed divorce) the pattern of concern remains the same. The highest rated concern regards finances. This is probably not a surprize and much of the divorce process is spent discussing, divulging and dividing financial assets.

The second highest concern during the divorce process was the potential impact of the divorce on the children’s emotional wellbeing. Children are invariably affected by the process of divorce but as divorce is much more common than it has been in the past, better support for children can be made available. Collaborative co-parenting, therapy and respect for the child are extremely helpful. RED DOOR has blogs on this topic.

The third highest rated concern for women is their own emotional wellbeing during the divorce process. The divorce process is extremely emotionally taxing and a lot of the negative feelings can not be avoided. These can include feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, anxiety and depression. Women need support during this time, from friends, family and potentially professionals.  Personally, I recommend to join a support group if at all possible. Seeing other women navigating this trying time can be strangely comforting.

Other highly rated concerns for women experiencing divorce include worries about lifestyle changes and career changes. Lifestyle concerns are proxy responses for financial concerns, as changes in lifestyle are directly related to change in finances. Career change may involve the need to earn more, go back to work, gain greater financial independence, or take control of finances again.

 

Changes that were experienced because of divorce

Our respondents were asked how they perceived that they were changed as a consequence of going through divorce. We expected financial changes to be the highest rated experience but it was not. We consider that financial changes are expected so, potentially, less stressful than changes that were unexpected.

The biggest change women experienced was their level of independence. Some women stated they felt controlled in their marriages, and welcomed this independence. Others expressed that they were uncomfortable with this new sense of independence.

Women reported that their ability to cope with change had been altered. Given the frequently stressful experience of divorce many women were proud to have survived the process.

Women also reported experiencing changes in their career because of the divorce. Again, this could be perceived negatively or positively. It has been suggested in research that involvement in a new career can help people recover from divorce more positively. 

A whole blog will be dedicated to friendships during divorce. Changes in friendships was frequently experienced. Divorce is a stress-test for friendships. Friends who are determined to remain neutral rarely can. Feelings of betrayal by friends are common.

Unsurprisingly, women reported changes in family relations as a common experience. During divorce families are redesigned, in a new format. In laws may now become a greater or lesser part of the picture. The breakdown of family connections may exacerbate feelings of grief and isolation.

 

The best sources of support during divorce

Women were asked about the best sources of support they encountered during divorce. They rated 17 sources of support including established friends, new friends, lawyers, work colleagues, church, support groups and the like.

The most highly rated source of support was existing friends followed by members of family (parents, siblings and even children). A counsellor or psychologist was the next most important source of support. Among professional services explored (lawyer, mediator, financial advisor, private counsellor, support group, and accountants) individual therapy was considered the  most supportive.

One third of those surveyed had had the opportunity to join a divorce support group during the process of their divorce. All of the women who attended a support group said this was an important source of support.

 

Essential skills.

Our divorcing women were asked what knowledge they would have liked to have at the beginning of the divorce process in order to improve their experience of divorce.

Maintaining emotional strength, building and maintaining positive self-esteem, and better understanding how to reinvent themselves were rated as the most “have liked to have” categories.

Aligned to this, being able to forgive was also rated highly. The process of divorce opens a box of darkness within women, often forcing women to explore other hurts in their lives. If this is the case for you, you may find individual counselling helpful.

Many of the women wish they understood  the ability to negotiate and understand finances and investment better even after divorce. As trust may have been compromised in the breakdown of the marriage, learning to trust a financial advisor can be a new challenge. Financial literacy during and after divorce is an important service for women during divorce.

 

The period of divorce has been called “crazy time” for good reason. It is extremely stressful for women, regardless where they live. Support in the form of family, friends and therapy, are solid protective connections. There is a lot to learn for women going through divorce, and many benefits from sharing information in support groups. RED DOOR runs the IRON FAIRIES – an English language therapeutic support group for women going through divorce. The group meets in person twice a month. Contact Angela angelaw@reddoor.hk if you would like more information. 

#divorce

#impactofdivorce

#women

#internationalwomensday

#reddoorcounselling

#divorceinHK