Your mental health contributes to your longevity

Does your mental health and  emotional health contribute to living a long happy life?

Most of us know some of the elements that contribute to our physical health and potential longevity such as maintaining healthy weight, managing your cholesterol, regular exercise, and preventative checking for cancers.

Emotional health and physical health are closely intertwined in ways that mainstream medicine is starting to recognise. Part of being healthy will require good emotional mental health.

Making positive choices can contribute to greater longevity, and more enjoyment in life. Conversely, some choices, and conditions unfortunately can take time away, and make time harder for us.

In this article we look at those conditions and behaviours that can give us more time, and also take time from us. We don’t control exactly how much time we have on earth, but we can have some power on our time we have, and how enjoyable that time is.

Losing time – conditions that compromise our ability to live long, fruitful lives.

Our emotional health, and threats to our emotional health, can compromise our longevity. Whilst a psychiatric condition such as stress, depression, anxiety, may have developed because of your circumstances, they are not your fault. However dealing with those conditions becomes your responsibility.

Psychiatric disorders

Serious mental illnesses such as psychosis, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia can leave individuals more prone to suicide, and also more likely to being placed in situations where their physical safety may be compromised. Whilst these conditions are usually quite rare, compared to depression and anxiety, illnesses such a bipolar or schizophrenia disorder appear in about 0.5 of most countries populations [3]. In Hong Kong, documentation of these disorders is not current, but reports as recent as 2017, detail that requests for psychiatric services continues to grow from 187,000 requests in 2011-2012 to 220,000 cases in 2015-2016 [2]. And these numbers predate the COVID pandemic.  The COVID pandemic may have exacerbated negative mental health situations for many people in Hong Kong,

The presence of a serious psychiatric disorder adds to the individual, and their family’s’ experience of stress and depression. Additionally, it is difficult to medically treat these conditions so people who are hospitalised may possibly be over medicated, and many of these medications can cause harm to the individual (whilst they are also calming them). Balancing the benefit/cost of psychiatric medications is a complicated situation.

Depression

We use the term “depression” so flippantly we often forget that being depressed for some people is a long term, severe illness which robs them of all enjoyment, and sometimes leads individuals to thoughts of death. Depression affects about 3% of the population of Hong Kong [2].

Unfortunately, around 1000 people choose to take their lives in Hong Kong every year (1) . All of these deaths are tragedies. Its worth noting that, on average, 20% of the suicides in Hong Kong are people over the age of 65 years of age, and about 13% are individuals under 24 years of age. We need to take depression in individuals seriously and provide comprehensive treatment, especially for these more vulnerable populations.

Depression can lead to a fast death, but it can also contribute to a slow death. For individuals with persistent and severe depression some of the aspects of their depressive experience will affect their physical health to the extent that this can influence their physical health and possibly length of life, even in the absence of suicidal ideation or tendencies.

Such behaviours include lethargy, especially long periods, in bed, poor eating habits (both too much and too little) and the impact of poor self-care and hygiene. These are common elements of depression and maintain depression, and have negative impact on blood pressure, metabolism, movement and overall physical health.

People who are persistently depressed need help. The condition of depression is corrosive and controlling over the thought patterns of those trapped in this situation. Some depressed people seem think that they will wake up one day and be motivated to feel better. They are simply waiting for motivation to “kick in”. This is not what happens. Recovery from depression takes work under expert guidance.

Treatment of depression can involve medication, talk therapy, and behavioural interventions. If you  have been feeling any of the following symptoms for more than a few weeks, I urge you to contact a counsellor or GP to discuss treatment options.

Symptoms of depression:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
  • Irritability
  • Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
  • Excessive fatigue
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
  • Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Changes in appetite or weight
  • Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
  • Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
  • Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.

Stress

Being stressed is a emotional mental health challenge that may affect your longevity and the quality of enjoyment you experience. Being stressed can place undue stress on your heart. Stressful events can be sudden stressful life events such as seeing an accident or the death of a loved one. Sometimes stress is more chronic, an accumulation and persistence of stressful events such as relationship split up, moving house, and a stressful job. A common assessment of stress, Holmes-Rahe-Stress-inventory [4] can help you check if your experience of stress is at such a level that it is likely that you will start experiencing challenges to your physical health.

Unfortunately, those under excessive stress can doubling impact on their physical health through associated compromising lifestyle choices, such a avoidance of exercise, poor diet, poor sleep and self-medication through pills or substances. All of these behaviours make the experience of stress worse, and also threaten the physical health of a person.


Substance addictions

Alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, stimulates, beta blockers – all of these can be dangerous to our physical health. Introducing dangerous levels of toxins into our bodies on a regular basis, can affect the way our body processes these toxins. Additionally, addiction itself, to behaviours and substances traps us in a cycle of shame that can lead to depression.  Taking a break from alcohol and other addictive substances can be, literally, lifesaving for many people.

Adding time – choices that can extend life, and the enjoyment of it.

Good help.

Individuals can have a propensity to think to muddle through when they are anxious, stressed or depressed. Something about your lifestyle, thinking processes, or stress levels, is quite possibly prohibiting you from seeing stressful situations realistically. An expert, outside of yourself, can help you see that situation in the way that helps you better process what what has happened, and what can be done. Sometimes individuals who feel down, are stressed, or are self-medicating need to vent, sometimes they need to change.

Consider counselling. Ask your counsellor how they see your current life situation and what you, as a team, can do to alter how you have been feeling. If your counsellor can’t answer this question for you, you are completely entitled, even encouraged, to talk to another counsellor. Counsellor – patient chemistry is an important predictor of positive outcomes.

Dial down your reactivity

Some people are like simmering pots of anger. It doesn’t take much for those pots to boil over. Does this describe you?

Emotional health is the consequence of being able to regulate your emotions. Peter Attia in his masterpiece book on longevity, Outlive, writes, “90% of male rage is helplessness masquerading as frustration”. If you are quick to anger, tears or frustration, you may benefit from working on emotional regulation.

Regulating your emotion requires an attention to the triggers, forces and thoughts that drive your reactions to circumstances. In counselling we unpack your reactions to dissect what you really experienced and believed about a situation and explore how the lessons you have learnt from your past, and the fears that you have about your future, intersect at the way you choose to react. If you feel as if your emotions are out of control, or can’t even feel emotions any more, counselling is for you.

Adopt flexible perspectives

We can all get trapped in our thought patterns and many times we do not look at situations as flexibly as we could. Cognitive filters are thinking errors that make us look at situations from certain perspectives. We grow into using cognitive filters as a means to, we believe, efficiently assess situations. However filters can become problematic and can make us less happy.  

For example, we often compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. When people compare themselves to other people often, they are often misguided in their assessment of both how “lucky/successful” the other person is, as well as a “how unlucky/unsuccessful” we are. When we enter a situation from a rigid black vs white perspectives we tend to think that only one party can be correct, whilst the other must be wrong. Actually, many situations are much more nuanced that we first appreciate and sometimes focusing on you vs someone else means everyone loses.

Read our attached blog to read more about cognitive filters. Change your thinking – change your life.

In order to overcome cognitive filters we need to capture, review and re-frame our perspectives. In therapy we use cognitive flexibility exercises in order to help clients re-frame their experience in ways that helps them become less reactive, and calmer.

Working to develop more flexible thoughts around situations can help you build a different set of responses to situations. The next time you find yourself reacting problematically to a situation consider some of the questions outlined below. These are some of the questions I use when working with clients on their cognitive flexibility.

Embracing age as a gift

Positive age beliefs serve as a barrier against stress. Being accepting or positive about growing older can affect how contented you are as you grow older. Fixating on your age, negative self talk that  you are “over it” of “old and frumpy” will make you feel bad. Think about your self-dialogue as a meal that you consume. If you only feed yourself negative commentary, how can you expect to feel good?

Connect to protect

The central tenet of Waldinger and Schulz’s 2023 book, The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness, is that good relationships, keep us healthier and happier. Good relationships, friendships and romantic relationships, protect us about the impact of negative events in our lives. Negative events are going to happen. No one completely avoids emotional hardships, what gets us through is the quality of our relationships.

Do you have the relationships you want, or infact need in your life? If not, what can you do to build new and better friendships. Our blog on friendships may help you on this matter.

You can take charge of your future. You don’t have to wait for your mood to improve to engage in change. And you can feel differently, exist differently, and live better (and longer)

About the author. Angela Watkins was named Hong Kong’s best therapist. Angela works with adults and teens to help them build better lives – including relationship recovery, building positive self esteem, overcoming depression, quietening anxiety, getting stuff done, and recovery from trauma. To contact Angela for therapy email Angelaw@reddoor.hk

If you want to read more on the topic of longevity consider reading some of these books:

Attia, P (2023). Outlive: The science and art of longevity. Harmony Books. New York

Gratton, L & Scott, A. (2016) The 100-year life: Living and working the in age of longevity. Bloombury. London.

Greger, M. & Stone, G. (2015). How not to die. Flatiron books.

Levy, B. (2022) Breaking the age code: How your beliefs about aging determine how long and well you live. Harper Collins. Sydney.

Ni, M (2006) Secrets of Longevity

Waldinger, R. & Schulz, M. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster. New York.

The Emotional Piggy Bank: Building an enriched relationship

In order to make your relationship last, you need to ensure you have a full emotional piggy bank.

John Gottman, landmark couples counsellor and relationship researcher, studied thousands of couples exploring the difference between happy and unhappy couples. There are some notable differences.

Happy couples engage positively with one another and show interest in each other’s lives. Happy couples are generous in spirit towards towards each other. They try to understand each other’s world. Happy couples spend time together – connecting. When these couples experience conflict they use strategies to stay positive towards each other, see the conflict as an issue for them to resolve (e.g.you and I versus the problem) and work towards resolution.

Unhappy couples don’t do these things.

In couples counselling we often introduce the Gottman concept of the Emotional piggy bank. To help couples better realise the deposits, investments and withdrawals their actions within the marriage represent.

When our relationship’s emotional piggy bank is full, couples able more likely to be able to be generous in spirit towards each other when they encounter tricky situations.

For example. Imagine your partner, John, said he would call you at 3pm to talk about an important topic. The designated time to call comes and goes, with no message or call.

If you have a full emotional piggybank, you might react in such a manner: “I guess that big project John has been worrying about has taken off and he’s lost track of time. I know he cares about me and our issue so I’ll remind him later and we will find a new time to talk”.

Conversely, if your relationship’s emotional piggy bank is running near empty you may have no good will to help you see the situation with generosity. The aggrieved partner in that instance might think: “John did it again. He never cares about anyone by himself. He just expects me to wait by the phone like some loser. Well, not this time!”

An emotional piggy bank needs to run with a healthy balance. You and your partner need to be making deposits, and checking the impact of withdrawals.

How can you make deposits into your relationship’s emotional piggy bank?

The following activities constitute a deposit into your emotional piggy bank:

  • Giving and receiving affection from each other. Not just sex.
  • Spending quality time with together doing activities that you both enjoy
  • Learning about each other’s world.
  • Performing acts of kindness for each other – even little things like grabbing a coffee for them in the morning, running them a bath, or buying special snacks that they love for your movie night.
  • Expressing gratitude towards your partner for the kindness and support they provide to you.
  • Complimenting your partner. Make sure these are authentic and show you have been paying attention. For example, “I really admire the way you acted on your work call. It sounds like your boss is a lot to handle”. Or, “I really like that shirt on you, it goes well with your eyes”.
  • Keeping promises that you made is important to help your partner know you can be trusted
  • Apologizing when you have done something wrong.
  • Giving your partner support when they are having a tough time

You also need to be careful of withdrawals. If you make too many withdrawals or make careless withdrawals from the emotional piggy bank, there may be very little good will in times of crisis.

Some behaviours that harm your relationships emotional piggy bank including:

  • Insults and disrespectful comments
  • Criticism of your partner
  • Avoiding engaging with your partner
  • Neglecting your partner
  • Brushing of your partner’s kind gestures
  • Ignoring the emotional impact of your behaviour
  • Shouting or Scolding
  • Lying to your partner
  • Gossiping about or slandering your partner to others
  • Breaking promises you made to your partner

Please note: Aggression of any type – this is much only a withdrawal, this is a threat to the safety of people in your relationships.

What can you do to change the dynamic and build a better emotional piggy bank?

Respond rather than react

Do you find that you react to situations, rather than respond calmly. Often this is because of the manner you interpret situations? Do you later feel ashamed that you over reacted to a situation? Before you react to your partners actions stop and think what response would you later be proud of, versus reactions that you might regret. A counsellor can help you understand your reactive patterns and learn to interpret situations in a more cognitively flexible manner.

Appraise your level of investment

Many couples do not spend enough time with each other, and the emotional piggy bank is empty because they neglect each other, or the relationship becomes focused on day to day functionality, rather than fun or connection.

Are you spending enough time with your partner focused on each other, rather than the kids or an exhaustive to-do list?

A good relationship is an active rather than passive activity. Stop thinking this is the relationship you have, and start taking the action to make it the relationship you want. Firstly, acknowledge that you could be kinder towards each other and start to think of what this might look like. Secondly, think about securing some time to spend together, once a week, or at least once a month.

Spend time getting to know each other

Great relationships are, at their core, great friendships. Remember back to the beginning of your relationship. You probably spent a lot of time asking questions about your partner, and were thirsty for knowledge about how they interpret the world. This curiosity often diminishes with time, to the detriment of your relationship. Be curious again.

When was the last time you sat down and spent time learning about your partners world. If you don’t know what to ask, the list below is a great place to start.

Practice preferences

People have preferences. Some people like to receive gifts. Other prefer to spend time together. Do you know how your partner likes to receive love? People often give love in the manner that they, personally would like to receive it, rather than checking what their partner wants. This misunderstanding can mean that your kind actions are not

The two following quiz links might help you better understand how your partner wants to receive love, and the type of apology they like to receive. So many people get caught up waiting for the “right” apology, it might be helpful for you to know what your partner thinks are the components of a good apology.

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

_________________

About the author. Angela Watkins is a counsellor for individuals and couples working in Hong Kong. If you’d like to improve your romantic relationship consider working with Angela or other members of the RED DOOR team. Contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

#emotionalpiggybank

#relationshipgoals

#conflictresolution

#relationships

#love

#relationshipimprovement

Burnout – it’s no joke

Feeling stressed at work from time to time is a normal experience throughout our working career. Experiencing some stress is useful in building our capacity to deal with challenges, learn new skills, improve resilience, and solve problems. Indeed, without some element of healthy stress, we risk becoming demotivated and disengaged in our job responsibilities. However, experiencing work-stress that is severe and over a long period of time can drastically overwhelm our ability to cope and lead to burnout.

Burnout is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion. It is a harmful and serious condition caused by the body’s response to prolonged chronic stressors in the workplace. Globally, burnout cases continue to rise with debilitating and far-reaching impacts felt by companies and governments, as well as individual sufferers, their families, friends and work colleagues.

Some of these signs and symptoms can include the following:

  • Persistent sense of being overwhelmed
  • Feeling utterly depleted, useless, trapped or defeated
  • Feeling isolated and alone
  • Excessive fatigue
  • Thoughts of hopelessness or cynicism
  • Irritability
  • Procrastination, difficulty focusing and taking longer to complete tasks
  • Perpetual self-doubt

Burnout is impossible to simply ‘snap out’ of. As a condition that develops over a period of prolonged exposure to workplace stress, sufferers need time and support to embark on the road to recovery – from recognising the problem, addressing issues, developing healthy coping strategies, building resilience in order to recover and get back on track.

Companies play an important role in avoiding burnout risk by building healthy workplaces and cultures, with well-designed jobs and structures to match employees’ needs, but where gaps emerge, individuals can benefit from understanding and managing resilience against stress.

If you or are tracking low on the resilience continuum and experiencing burnout, what treatments are available? Treatments can include talk therapy and medical interventions, often including anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications, but there needs to also be change in workplace structures, job-design, or culture that caused the source of stress. There is no “one-size-fits-all” plan for treatment. It may take some trial and error to find the treatment that works best.

How do you cope if you are experience burnout?

Burnout is caused by the persistent experience of stress without being able to cope. Implementing stress management techniques will be of help to treat your burnout. Common aspects of a stress management plan include the following.

Challenging your thinking filters

Whilst some work experiences invariably include some toxic practices and/or people, sometimes our experience of stress is created by our personal perceptions of a situation. For example, if you hold onto black and white thinking you will be prone to judge yourself and others more in stressful situations. If you tend to filter information and feedback you may feel, unjustly, negatively about yourself when mistakes occur. For a full assessment of your thinking filters read our RED DOOR blog on this topic.

Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness helps to develop greater personal awareness. Its practice teaches individuals to be more aware of their thought processes and reactions in the present moment. So instead of racing ahead in a negative thought cycle a person  is more likely to be able to think in a more removed manner, noticing patterns in their reactions and being able to view situations in terms of their typical reactions and the potential costs and benefits of those reactions in the past. This ‘mindful overview” promotes understanding of being in charge of one own emotions and behaviours. To find out more about mindfulness see one of our blogs on this topic, attached below.

Time management

The perception that we do not have enough time to do the work we have to do, creates stress. The art of managing the activities, priorities and sequencing of events in our lives can be taught. If you feel that you are not utilizing your time as well as you could, consider reading books on this topic or talking to a performance coach to help you better set your priorities.

Emotional regulation and support

If you are feeling overwhelmed and emotional you need to consider how you can better regulate volatile or oppressive emotions. The best way to do this is to talk to someone about how you are feeling. The more experienced and qualified that person is to help you disseminate your emotions the better. Consider counselling. A good counsellor can help you process some of your emotional experiences, understand your responsibilities and build resilience to deal with challenging circumstances.

Avoid addictive distractions

When we are stressed, we may become prone to self-medicating or distracting ourselves from our stress. Occasionally those distractions can actually maintain our experience of stress, or create new stresses for us to have to deal with. For example, alcohol is well recognized as a depressant. Paradoxically people often engage in drinking, to excess, to numb their stress. However over time alcohol robs us of our ability to produce dopamine efficiently, making us depressed.

Time distractions such a gambling and gaming can become problems because they create new problems such a financial problems or cutting us off from face to face social time with friends and family, which may help us mediate our experience of stress.

Build social support

Social supports – friends and family help us navigate tough times. In our RED DOOR research of the experience of stress among lawyers in Hong Kong, many of our senior lawyers managed their stress by talking to friends or family. The quality of these relationships is important. Do you have the quantity or quality of friends that you need. Recent (2022/2023) observations in our clinic highlighted that people in Hong Kong may benefit from building new friendships. As adults we sometimes are unsure how to build new friends. If this describes your experience then, consider reading our blog on this topic.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle – including sleep.

When we are stressed we often call into behaviours that compromise our health status. When we are under pressure these healthy behaviours protect us. Maintaining an exercise regime, eating well, and sleeping well (at least 8-10 hours) will help your body deal with stress hormones, and allow you to heal after the pressure has lifted.

Communication patterns

Poor communication can place a lot of pressure on your and those that you need to communicate with. When communication is unclear you can end up guessing what another person wants from you (perhaps incorrectly). It is difficult to work in organisations that tolerate vague or inauthentic communications. What can you do?

Learn to communicate effectively and assertively. There are many books on this topic that you could explore. Assertive communication involves being confident (not aggressive) in your messaging, acting rationally as an adult, being respectful to others in the communication and being clear about what you can, and cannot do. There are a number of Instagram accounts celebrating understanding corporate culture and how to express yourself effectively. Checkout @loewhaley to gain some insights.

Ultilise relaxation techniques

A range of relaxation techniques can help lower your experience of stress. You can use apps such a calm to find guided relaxation exercises, or go to a yoga class. You can also consider incorporating 15 minutes of colouring into your daily routine to reduce some of your experience of stress. Remember this practice needs to be regular, even daily, to help.

Consider anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications

Many clients are hesitant to take up medications for treatment due to concerns about becoming dependent, potential negative side-effects, and stigma. It is not an easy decision to undertake. Talk to your GP about these medications to see if you can explore some of these fears. If you have tried behavioural and psychological approaches with no success, you might need to consider medications to start help reduce your experience of stress just enough that those behavioural or psychological techniques can start to gain traction.

Burnout is no joke. If you find yourself completely exhausted it is time for a change, and the most effective type of change is going to involve exploring your responses to and relationship with stress. You can feel better.

About the author: Angela Watkins is the head counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling. She offers individual counselling to adults, including those working through workplace topics such as conflict resolution, moving from good to great, burnout, and career change contemplation.

How can we help teens who self-harm?

selfharm

It is natural to be concerned if your teen is engaging in self-harming behaviours such as cutting or burning themselves.

Harming oneself is considered is a serious mental health issue in itself. Self-harm is also often  a  component of other psychological mental health issues such as clinical depression, dissociative disorders, eating disorders and obsessive-compulsive disorder. 

Self-harming as a practice  usually starts in the mid teen years, and mayvcontinue for years, if therapy or treatment is not successful.  

People who have a history of self-harm sometimes may also develop suicidal ideation (contemplating suicide), although this is not always the case.

Potential causes of self-harming practices can include traumatic events including child abuse, stressors such as bullying, family tensions and living under the perception of extreme pressure.  The teen considering harming themselves, may feel lonely, out of control, invisible, and overcome with a deep sense of self-loathing. They are quite likely to have over reactive emotions, to the extent that their reactions can sometimes seem extreme, or such that they seem numb, from previously feeling worries too strongly.

The teenage years can typically be a period of emotional sensitivity which is why self-harming behaviours may emerge at this time. Children who are extremely sensitive, prone to lashing out, have poor impulse control or hold catastrophic perspectives, are more prone to pursue behaviours such as self-harm.

The desire to cut is often in response to emotional situations or the thoughts attached to those situations. The world seems too much, too painful, too difficult. Cutting can be an act of externalising the experience of internal pain, remind the teen that they are alive, or even a punishment for behaviours they judged as shameful. When we treat such teens in therapy, we try to help teens deal with their situation and their emotions, and gain back a sense of emotional regulation, essentially an ability to manage their oversensitive emotions.  

Understanding and regulating emotion can be taught. Therapists aim to teach their clients to observe and correctly label emotions, developing emotional literacy. It is important to change the channel internally. Teens can be taught to  utilise a non-judgmental internal dialogue to learn to respond to emotionally charged situations in a different manner than they have in the past.

Typical reassurances that parents may engage such as telling kids to stop, calm down, model themselves after another person, exercise more, or “try to get over it/forget about it”, typically do not work well with emotionally oversensitive people. This is because these teens need to first learn how to understand their personal relationships with the world, before assurances and suggestions may make any impact.

Therapy techniques such as DBT (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can be effective treatment options for teens who are emotionally charged.  These therapies are often data based, and help teens learn to read their own patterns of thoughts and behaviours through emotional monitoring, thought logs, and response adjustments. A simplified version of this process is described below.

Emotional monitoring can be taught to both children and adults. There are many tools to help people correctly identify and label emotions. Physical experiences such as tension, butterflies in the stomach, headache, clenched jaw are also detailed. Correctly helping identify the expression and experience of an emotion helps the client associate particular thoughts patterns associated with those emotions, or simply help them notice that they feel emotions they thought they had “lost”. Many teens confuse feeling anxious with feeling angry and hence respond by lashing out, rather than behaviours that may help them calm down.

Thought patterns are essential to associate with certain emotions. These thought patterns may have been learnt over many years and may include catastrophising (this is the worst thing ever!) , negative comparisons (She is so cool, I am such a loser) , mind reading ee my blog on common thinking errors). By catching these thoughts in action. Essentially people are taught to catch these thinking patterns and reflect upon them from alternative perspectives. They may be asked to keep a log of negative events and how they felt about those events so that they can be discussed in terms of creating a more rational perspective on the situation being reviewed.

For example, a bad event will be compared with other events to help the client understand its relative importance. A particular teen may consider getting a “C” grade on a test a major tragedy. That teen could be asked to asked to rate it out of ten, and gives it a seven, the therapist might ask what would be a 10. Typically, a score of 10 may be allocated to a severely traumatic event such as death of a loved one. The therapist then asks, what would be a 9? A nine might be chronic illness or injury. The process continues, and the therapist will ask, “Does getting a C still represent a seven out of ten?” Usually using such perspective tools helps client’s better rate the bad event into a more realistic context.

Once thought patterns and perspectives have been regularly assessed cognitive reframing and discourse can be utilised to create a new set of responses. For example in the case given previously, a teen who performs badly on a test, and may have self-harmed as a punishment of perceived poor performance, can learn to talk themselves about the realistic importance of each grade, the steps that they can take to explain or overcome poor grades, ways to study better. Different behaviours, not cutting or self-harming.

During this whole process (which is greatly simplified here), very little judgement is given regarding the actual self-harming behaviour. That behaviour is attached to a range of emotions and thoughts. Instead of challenging the self-harm behaviour directly, and potentially driving the behaviour underground or increasing feelings of shame around that behaviour, we recommend addressing the root of the problem, and learn better emotional regulation. Emotional regulation, hopefully, leads to a better long- term solution, less shame, and more resilience.

If you have a teen who is self-harming please consider counselling for them immediately. The earlier you start to challenge the underlying emotions, the better.

 

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens and adults in Hong Kong. To contact Angela email angelaw@reddoor.hk or send a whatsapp to +852-93785428.

#selfharm

#selfinjury

#reddoor

#teenmentalhealth

#mentalhealth

#emotions

Social skills: the upside, the downside, and the death of a hamster

social skills

Social skills help individuals interact effectively with one another. We communicate our needs, wants and perspectives through verbal speech as well as non-verbal cues (gestures, facial expressions, and body positioning).

There are many benefits that are associated with having strong social skills. There are also potential negative implications of having skills that are underdeveloped or impaired.

The upside:

For those lucky enough to have developed strong social skills you will find that your mental health is protected, or even boosted, because of at least three potential benefits.

Effective communication benefits.

Being in possession of good social skills often translates to being seen as having good communication capabilities. This is more in reference to being aware of certain nuances in situations rather than possessing expansive linguistic skills. Being a clear, recipient-focused communicator helps you manage situations more efficiently. For example, a person with good social skills may telephone a colleague over a misunderstanding rather than writing a lengthy email clarifying their perspective which, many of us know from experience, can often make a tense situation worse, rather than better. Not only do you avoid dodging a communication faux pas, but you are seen by managers as a solution-focused-problem-solver. Success leads to more success.

Attracting opportunities.

Everyone benefits from being liked and having strong social skills makes this more likely. The opposite is also true, poor social skills makes it harder for you to get people to like you. When people like you, doors to opportunities are opened. People remember to bring you chances to succeed when they encounter them. People vouch for you when asked. This positive impact effects subjective assessments such as school and job interviews.

Stronger coping mechanisms.

A major psychological benefit of having good social skills is that you are more likely to be able to access and utilise social support as a buffer against work and life stress. Not only will you be able to make more friends, the relationships are likely to be fairer and focused around reciprocally meeting of each other’s needs. When the chips are down, friends are more likely to offer support. Social support is an essential component of any stress management regime.

The downside:

Just as having good social skills can have benefits in terms of mental health protection, creating opportunities, and building a positive perception of you, an impairment to social skills can have just the opposite effect.

Even when we are adults, we may resist supporting a person who we believe to be a braggart, or is overly critical, or doesn’t like to share praise. It’s hard to always have the perfect social skills. Nobody is perfect, but these skills certainly help rather than hinder in our work and personal relationships in adulthood.

As children, social skills are even more essential. Those with poor social skills are more likely to find making friends difficult, to have relationships which may be unfair to one party (i.e. being friends with someone who bullies you), and isolates key adults from offering support when they see some kids struggling. Social skills are essential life skills.

For those with weaker social skills, such as autisitc individuals, intervention is essential. Those who live with autism often find reading and responding to social cues, as well as maintaining friendships, very challenging.

As a parent of such a young adult, I’m reminded that even with extensive training, even the keenest autistic individual sometimes doesn’t get it. Recently, despite her best intentions, our teen demonstrated she misses what is the socially acceptable way to respond to some situation. I recall the time we experienced a death of a pet, and my autistic teen responded in a way that seemed peculiar.

The death of a hamster.

When, Pablo our 3-year-old hamster, transitioned to that big hamster-wheel in the sky, my neuro-typical 10 year-old wept inconsolably. In comparison, our autistic teen smiled. Smiling at death is not an expected, or perhaps an acceptable, response. The teen spent a good part of her free time that day creating a “condolence” card for her sister. She effusively presented the card to her little shocked little sister saying, “I’m so sorry Pablo is gone”. And then she reached out and hugged her little sister, until the little one was suffocating and spluttered, “Enough cuddling, you need to stop!” It turned out that our teen with autism, had been smiling, because she understood how to respond in an appropriate manner – with the card, and this, paradoxically, made her smile.

So there was a situation, which started and ended with poor social skills, but in the middle, there was a moment of magic.

If you believe your child needs social skills training contact Angela at our link below to learn about out SOCIAL SATURDAYS programme at RED DOOR.

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About the Author – Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of the RED DOOR Counselling practice in Hong Kong. Angela helps SEN families build current and future plans in support of their SEN children, helps families learn to cope with the special circumstances that occur as the parent or the sibling of a child with special needs. Together with her SEN clients she builds customised plans that help them accentuate their positive traits, and overcome specific challenges.  Angela is a SEN parent herself, and understands both professionally and personally that different is NOT less, and we all benefit by identifying find our own version of awesome. 

Note about this article. This article was first posted in 2017 and has been edited a number of times since. The latest version of this article was edited in February 2025.

#socialskills #autism #reddoor  #predictorofsuccess  #mentalhealth

Redefining yourself after divorce

Divorce will change you. Some of the changes will be completely out of your control, especially in the early, chaotic days of a split. As you adjust to the process of divorce you have increasing opportunity to take more charge of some of the change that comes with divorce, riding the tides of change towards a new you, that is stronger, and maybe better than the one who started the divorce process. Would it feel better to know that you can come out of the process stronger than you went into the process?

Academic research on divorce indicates that whilst most people find the process of divorce difficult, they feel they become better versions of themselves after divorce.

Here are some of the waves of change that you may surf to your advantage during the divorce process.

Changing the “We” to “Me”

Married couples are often identify, and are identified, as a unit. If your marriage ends, are you still who you were? Many individuals find understanding who they are, even what they like, very difficult as a single individual. Much of this journey of self understanding may be long overdue and difficult because, for years, individuals may have neglected their own needs in order to be “the best partner they can be” in order to support their romantic partner’s needs or ambitions. When they marriage is declared to be over, you need to move your focus back to who you are, and who you could become.

Start with some of the basics. What do you like? What do you not like? List out your favourite foods, from your favourite things to do? Ask yourself, are these really your favourite things and activities or are your choices a reflection of who you have been in your relationship? If you don’t know your favourites, don’t be discouraged. It simply means that the exploration of finding out who you are, and who you want to be, might be a little more complicated. I advise you to consider a couple of sessions with an experienced divorce coach or counsellor who can help you find a path back to you you use to be, and who you’d might like to become.


Remember, you get to write the narrative of who you will be now. The process of defining what you would like to represent, what you would like to achieve, even what you would like to avoid or stop will lay out the first step, knowing where you want to be. Then we just need to start thinking further about how to get you there.

Write down for yourself:

1)What do I stand for? 2 What do I like about myself. 3) W are my key values and how can I live by them (this is where a counsellor can really help) and 4). What practices or attributes about myself would I like to leave behind?

Grieve

Spend some time allowing yourself to grieve. The end of the hope you had in the relationship. Grieve for the image of the family that you feel you once had.

Its okay to miss the “picture perfect” image you once held of your marriage and your family. It is especially hard when the internet if flooded with images of families celebrating happy times together. Please remember that many of those snapshots are not a real reflection of what is going on within those families.

Whilst you are entitled to your grief, try not to stay trapped in it. You can start to romanticize how things were, and how things “should be”. We tend to hold on to outdated stereotypes of marriage and family. There are many types of families and you need to start focusing on making the new version of your family into something that is healthy, robust, and rewarding. If you get too stuck in your grief for what you think you have lost, you may forget to build something new, different, and rewarding in a way that works for you as you evolve.

People miss the sense of belonging that family helped them feel. They forget that often that feeling of belonging came at at cost, or that the sense of belonging was fleeting. You can create a feeling of belonging again, you just need to start by letting go of the image of a “idealised marriage” or “perfect family” that you were holding on to.

Start something new

Many individuals may have taken a career break inside their marriage and as a consequence, feel out of practice in the world of work and with modern technological skills required to be part of the modern work force. Much of our identity is associated with our role as “stay at home parent”. Even if you want to remain a stay at home parent, I would advise you to start to learn something new as part of the divorce process. Not only can you update your academic knowledge, learning any new key skill will give you opportunities to meet new people, and regain confidence.

Embracing a new exciting change may feel unsettling as well as positive. That is normal. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. You don’t need to consider a change of career or taking on a full academic degree, consider taking up a new hobby, or a practical course, even changing some of your daily habits.

Taking care of yourself

Learn how to take care of yourself. Start by learning to talk to yourself kindly. For some individuals, critical acrimony has become familiar territory within their imploding and increasingly hostile marriage. Start by practicing being kind to yourself.

Every day, look at yourself in the mirror and say something kind to yourself. Stop the litany of “You should”, or “You didn’t” internal commentary. Start congratulating yourself for keeping your cool each day. Praise yourself when you complete a challenging task, even if it was replying to a rude email with a polite response.

Complete the phrase, “If I loved someone a lot I would do ________, _______ and ________, for them” Now consider doing those activities for yourself.

Build strong networks

Friendships and contacts are essential to help you navigate divorce. It is quite possible at the beginning of the divorce process that you had very few, many no friends who are divorced. Meeting other divorced parents and individuals will save you a lot of leg work, and provide, hopefully a few good shoulders to cry on during tough times.

Good friends help you get through divorce. Great friends become your family during, and after.

One group that, if you can find, will make a significant difference is a divorce support group. Support groups for individuals going through divorce help normalize some of the process, remove feelings of isolation, help you handle your feelings of shame or regret. If you are in Hong Kong, you can join the Iron Fairies. Information about the Iron Fairies is in one of the links below (See becoming a groupie).

Understand what you can and cannot change

This is a life lesson that is one of the toughest to accept in life, and from divorce. You can’t turn back time. Sometimes your ex-partner will become exactly the type of parent you would have liked them to be before you had to start to divorce. They may have been fairly absent before the divorce was decided and then, because of teh process they are seemingly in contention for “parent-of-the-year”. This can be very confusing. This may even tempt you to contemplate reconciliation.

You can’t change the past, the affairs, the hurtful words, the resentment. You can work to forgive that behaviour, so that it doesn’t keep you trapped in your anger. Letting go of the pain is a gift that you give yourself. You and your partner could, undoubtedly, have been better people before and during your divorce, but you don’t have to hold onto that if it doesn’t suit you.

Let go of your preferred divorce narrative

It can feel very important that others know that this divorce was “not your fault”, that your partner was to blame for the breakdown of your marriage. You won’t get to control all the messaging around the breakdown of your marriage, so please be prepared that some people may have a completely different view of the breakdown of your marriage than you would like them to have. Whilst you have the right to try to challenge this, within safe and sane parameters, it will be most healthy for you to appreciate that you won’t always get to control the story that is told. What is important is the values that you continue to live everyday.

What is comforting is that that most often, lies become apparent eventually. Please appreciate that this can take several years.

Consider your relationship with yourself and intimacy

Your marriage may have been your main source of touch and reassurance. If it breaks down you may want to consider how you could get your physical needs met. One mistake would be to jump into a new relationship very quickly. Its okay to have needs, think about how you could get those met without returning to your ex, or running into a new relationship before you are ready.

Divorce will change you. It may feel as if it could even break you. You can survive this emotional journey, and even possibly become the best version of you, you were scared to become inside of your marriage.

About the Author.

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist who has spent the past 9 years guiding people through the emotional journey of divorce. In Hong Kong, Angela leads the Iron Fairies, a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce. For information about counselling with Angela and the Iron Fairies contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk.

Other blogs you may find interesting regarding the process of divorce:

If you want to find out more about group therapy whilst going through divorce, and the Iron Fairies therapeutic support group:

If you are trying to decide if you should stay or leave your marriage:

If you are starting the divorce process and want to avoid some common pitfalls:

If you have a friend going through divorce, and you want to be a good support to them:

Workplace conflict: You can handle it.

It is important that we shine more light on “conflict at work”. No workplace intends to be unhealthy, and helping employees understand how to navigate conflicts within the work environment, helps both the individual, and the organisation, become more robust and healthy. Of course organisation can do more to protect and prepare their employees to deal with conflict. Employees can work to better protect themselves as well.

Workplace conflict can lead not only to wasted time within the work environment but also higher employee turnover, poor decision making, grievances complaints and legal processes, absenteeism and health issues, workplace violence, and organisations being labelled as toxic workplaces. It costs people personally and the organisation in terms of reputation and productivity.

Conflict in the workplace does not occur in a vacuum. Individuals bring their physiology and history of conflict into discussions at work, as well as their personal learnt approach to conflict. The environment, including line management, senior managers, task descriptions, attitudes to collaboration and differing points of view, as well as the culture of an organisation all play a role in conflict creation, and management.

In this article I am going to focus on the individual’s role in workplace conflict and what we can do in the moment to lessen conflict. Whilst I might be commenting on what you can do to improve your experience within a conflict situation, this doesn’t mean that you are solely responsible to resolve conflict in your workplace. But, by looking at conflict on a individual level I hope to enable each reader to explore their role, their reactions, and ultimately, their responsibility to respond in a way that helps them protect their mental health.

What components inform your individual conflict style?

The problem for many of us, as adults, in the workplace is that our techniques for dealing with conflict have been shaped from our experiences from childhood, not learnt during adulthood. Often, we learn how to deal with workplace conflict from experience. We have difficulty handing conflict, both in our personal and professional lives, because we are designed poorly to deal with perceived threats.

Inside the work environment we are under pressure to perform, maintain our jobs and reach KPIs, as well as, in a post COVID world, survive restructuring and reorganization as companies adapt to market forces, organisational fads, and changes in workload expectations.

Looking at the attached simplified view of workplace conflict we can explore the individual’s role in workplace conflict.

Most people have trouble with difficult conversations and may prefer to avoid them. Perceiving conflict can make us feel unsafe, and as a consequence we revert to practices that help us soothe ourselves and feel safe again. Our fight or flight responses kick in leading to basic avoidance or battleground approaches.

Avoidance approaches:  Sometimes this means avoidance of conflict, or looking for a white knight – a person to take over your fight for you, or protect you against the person you see yourself in conflict with.

Battleground approaches: Sometimes it means taking a more battlefield style of responses to conflict such as building alliances, ‘poisoning the well’ at work by bad mouthing the person you are in conflict with, taking absolution positions (demanding your way, or expecting complete admissions of wrongdoing), allocating a valiant warrior – a person to battle your perspective for you, or even exiting the organisation.  

Good conflict management requires strong interpersonal awareness, emotional regulation, and an ability to reflect accordingly, especially on the messages you are feeding yourself about what the conflict itself, and your conflict adversary, mean to you.

Your personal background, especially how you were raised can influence which conflict style you have become accustomed to using. In some with, a child may be taught to avoid conflict at all cost. Perhaps dealing with a parent who is quick to anger, may encourage some children to want to flee from conflict as a safety mechanism. Other people may be raised that if you don’t stand up for yourself and assert your point of view, you will be ignored or miss out on opportunities. Think about how your family of origin may have informed your conflict style.

Your emotional awareness and ability to regulate your emotions in conflict situations.

Being able to manage how you respond to escalating conflict in a situation is extremely important to help individuals arise at satisfactory decisions within organisations. If, during a conflict, you suddenly burst out in anger, or yourself start to insulting others in the room, it obviously will become more challenging to continue a dialogue in a calm manner. You cannot un-ring a bell of hostility, and sometimes you need a complete reset to get a meeting back onto a constructive agenda.

The following reflections and activities may help you manage a contentious meeting remaining aware of your emotional state, and helping you better regulate your emotional responses within challenging situations.

Before you meet with someone you are in conflict with, some thoughts to consider:

Creating your own “personal pre-meeting”:

Be prepared to enter any emotionally charged conversation in a positive mindset ready to make a deal. Repeat to yourself, “I choose to be open to the ideas of others, stay positive and engaged in this meeting, and know that I bring value to this organisation”

Contemplate the meaning of any concession in the situation. It’s important to consider what does it mean to you personally, if you have to concede in the meeting? Does this mean that you have lost? What does that mean in term of your sense of self, your perceived self-value? Imagine conceding territory as part of your prep, and practice self-affirmations that might make this feel okay for yourself, if you find this threatening. I am not advising your to concede, but sometimes contemplating compromise, and understanding what it means to you, might make you more comfortable accepting a concession if you have to.

Think about your long-term goals. Take some perspective on the issue at hand, before you meet to discuss it, if you have time. Ask yourself, “In a year, will this issue be important to my career?”. What about in a month?

Ways to better support yourself during meetings where conflict is present.

If you are going to be attending a meeting where conflict may become a feature, you may want to start the meeting by setting respectful communication guidelines. Such guidelines are possibly set at a company level as guiding principles. For example, you might express, “Whilst people often have differences of opinion lets agree that insults, raised voices, insulting gestures, and threats can not be part of any dialogue we need to have when we discuss x,y,z”.

Whenever possible use active listening skills within your meeting. When you are discussing a topic with someone you view in an adversarial position, really try to listen to what they are saying rather than focusing on what you can say to out-smart them, or only listen to create your counter point. When we listen with curiously, we give our full attention to the other party, and we can demonstrate that we have heard what has been said, making our dialogue partners more open to our perspectives.

Validate what you hear. Listening is not just about simply hearing and repeating what your colleague says, it is about validating what has been said. Offering validation involves demonstrating that you understand other’s experiences. You might say something like, “I can see why you felt that way in that situation”, or “I think a lot of people would see that topic the way you do? When we model understanding we keep dialogue more positive.

Take the perspective of the team versus the problem. Rather than looking at the situation as me versus you, can you consider that you and your teammate are a team working to solve a problem together. You need to find a shared way forward. 

Remind yourself of the goal of any interaction is to achieve some activity which is meaningful for your company – you will always benefit from taking a private and honest approach to looking at the company’s goal versus your own needs or agenda.

When you are in the meeting, mind your language choices and personal filters.

Check your adjectives. We can review our use of judgmental terms and filters which may lead us to sound dismissive, or superior to our colleagues. Value everyone’s points of view as worthy.  For example. During difficult discussion people describe their, and other’s perspectives using judgmental terms. Your proposed approach you might describe as “efficient, creative, client-focused”. Many of these terms are actually judgement rather than facts. You may find yourself describing your adversary’s proposal as “wasteful, incomplete” Many proposals can be correct, one does not need to take the absolute ‘Win’. Paradoxically sometimes value judgement terms come after the phrase, “No offence, but…”.

Block yourself from over using the term “you”. When we use the term “you” in discussions this can easily remind people of the divide between you. I see things this way, and You see them differently. You want this. You see it this way. Instead, you can ask questions. I would like to hear your perspective on this idea. This sounds more open and more inviting and less likely to be interpreted as attacking.  

Avoid using absolute terms – another form of judgmental language that can create a divide when talking is to avoid terms such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘nobody’, and ‘everything. When we use these terms, our objective is often to add to the value of our point of view, or to dismiss the value of another person’s point of view. However very few occurrences occur in such universal absolute terms and they can backfire making you look rigid and sanctimonious.  

Utilise curiousity – As a member of the meeting encourage yourself to be curious and generous to the other parties in a meeting. Remember people act and react to situations for a number of reasons you may not be aware of. They may be quick to negative commentary because they are tired from looking after a sick child, rather than they have an intention to upset you.

Always act with respect – In addition to being curious about your conflict partner, check yourself if you are acting respectfully and kindly in your meeting. If you approach conflict in a battlefield mentality, you may be more interested in ‘scoring points’ rather than being kind when you talk.

Flood warning – During a meeting where conflict exists between individuals you might start to feel as if your emotions are building to problematic levels. We call this condition being “flooded”. If you are flooded by fear, anger, or anxiety, it will be advisable to take a pause so that you can calm your body.

Take a needed pause, during the meeting

During such a pause you may like to take some time to ground yourself. Grounding activities allow you to calm your body, sometimes through breathing activities or through distraction activities. Please see the tagged article at the end of this blog, addressing emergency responses when you feel flooded by anxiety. The same activities can be helpful when you feel angry.

During the pause, in addition to grounding activities you can also practice emotionally soothing language to yourself. Imagine you are talking to yourself, full of self-compassion, and as you would speak to a small child. Remind yourself that you are okay and that conflict is also not a catastrophe. Different opinions are not only okay, they also present everyone with opportunities to learn.

A pause can be 10 minutes or longer. Taking a pause to allow meeting participants to calm down, should not be utilised as a method to avoid reconvening to continue an important discussion. If a mediator is involved in the meeting, they may want to remind people about the respectful communication rules of the organisation.

Learning more about your conflict style and how you can better manage conflict situations in the future.

Perspective – take a moment to think about if the current conflict will still affect you in a year. This helps us take a higher level of resolving the topic. Will this decision matter in a year?

Look for the meaning in your own need to win or avoid the conflict. Conflicts at work are similar to conflicts between romantic partners – the stated issue is often not the real issue that underlies the conflict. It is important to explore the meaning you attach to the event or issue. For example, would “losing” a conflict diminish your need to be recognised as a subject matter expert? If you feel this way, you might like to ask yourself how is your internal and external value as a subject matter expert built and does this conflict really matter in building a stronger sense of yourself?

As yourself what is your narrative? When we look for meaning in a situation you can help create some perspective by asking yourself, “What is the story I am telling myself in this situation” This type of internal reflection allows us to better understand what our beliefs about other people’s motivation and the perceived value of winning and losing in a situation. We benefit from exploring what is a fact, and what is a personal interpretation in a situation.

Reflect about your role in your relationship with your adversary. We can sometimes demonize the person that we are in conflict with. People resist you because they think you don’t care about them, not because they don’t care of you. How have you demonized your adversary? Do you really know what motivates them, or have you made assumptions about them?

Who can help you?

All parties involved in a conflict at work pay a major role when conflict at work is not well managed – including the organisation. People in conflict are not more or less valuable than each other, but in practice some organisations may give more resources and better support those who are seen to be a key contributor to the bottom line of the company. This is sometimes a feature of conflicts we see involving compliance representatives versus sales people in financial organisations.

Within an organisation you may look to discuss conflict management with your line manager, or your HR partner. Sometimes people do not feel safe engaging with those roles, and we has managers of organisations need to better create circumstances to help employees manage conflict, After all, differences of opinion are a healthy component of a productive workplace.

Sometimes you need to look outside of your organisation to enable your better navigate workplace conflict. A good counsellor is a person you can consider as a confidential resource who is completely on your side.

Should you stay in your organisation, or should you leave?

Deciding if an organisation is a good or poor fit for you is completely your decision. When individuals come to counselling to talk about their experience of conflict at work, we will help by asking a series of reflective questions that help those individuals stand aside from the problem, so that the decision may be easier to make. There is significant value in working with an objective person outside of your organisation who is qualified to help you prioritize and protect your mental health. IN addition to aiding your to frame the should I go, or should I stay” question, they can also help you brainstorm the other career ideas, and coping mechanisms.

You can discuss with people around you, or a counsellor or coach in order to fully review your perspective on the situation. Some of the question your might discuss include:

    • Who am I responsible to?

    • What am I responsible for?

    • Ask yourself – how is my conflict style working in this situation?

    • Ask yourself – Can the situation change?

    • Ask yourself – Can I change myself in the situation?

    • Think ahead – what would be the consequence of you staying silent? Or speaking up?

    • Look around – how have similar situations in the organisation been treated in the past?

Then, write it down and make a plan – shall you stay, or should you go? Below are some items you might like to consider.

Workplaces want to attract the top talent. The 2022 Women in the workplace report by the consultancy group McKinsey suggests that senior women want to work for organisations which represent healthy workplaces practices, and that demonstrate their commitment to these values beyond superficial communications. Building positive methods of conflict management is part of this.

If you are confused by conflict at work, consider discussing your situation with a counsellor. The team at Red Door are all experienced and qualified are all qualified to deal with this topic with their individual clients.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR counselling in Hong Kong. Angela has been voted the best therapist in Hong Kong. For appointment with Angela, and other Red Door counsellors contact us at Angelaw@reddoor.hk or SMS/ Whatsapp +852-93785428

 

 

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2022/03/07/anxiety-attacks-emergency-responses/

 

Books on workplace conflict that you might find useful:
Daoust, M. O. (2020). Conflict at work: A toolkit for managing your emotions for successful results.

Genny, J., Patterson, K., McMillan, R., Switzler, A. S., and Gregory, E. (2023) Crucial conversations. 3rd Ed. 

Wesley, D. (2015). Conflict resolution in the workplace: How to handle to resolve conflict at work.

The Resiliency Rx – check-in to check-up

Resilience

The Resiliency Rx – check-in to check-up

Resilience is the capacity to rise above difficult circumstances. It is a trait that allows us to exist in this less-than-perfect world while moving forward with optimism and confidence. From a psychological research perspective, resilience is collective terms for a range of personal skills (I’ve included 28 elements below) which are developed during the childhood. Many of them can be enhanced or corrected with education, therapy and training– in other words resiliency can be taught, to both children and adults.

Resiliency is required to deal with day-to-day hassles, and is essential when you face exceptionally stressful events. Stress such as that experienced when you are going through a divorce, lose your job, suffer a bereavement, fail a significant exam, or are diagnosed with a serious illness, even fall out with your friendship group at school, require an ability to respond to these acute stressful situations.

In today’s world you need to be resilient. This doesn’t mean you need to accept other peoples’ bad behaviour, but you also need to be able to respond appropriately when other people behave badly, or circumstances turn out unfavourably for you. For example:

  • Sexism, racism, prejudice still exist in the world, and you are likely to be exposed to this at some point.
  • People can be mean, they can bully and exclude others. And this doesn’t just apply to teens.
  • You are likely to encounter at least one person in your lifetime who tries to push you around in a work or learning environment.
  • You are likely to fail at test or exam at some point in time. Will you retake that test, or are you willing to only make one attempt?
  • Family members are probably going to say something personally offensive to you at some point.
  • There might, amazingly, be a global pandemic which means your life suddenly changes completely out of your control.

If you are resilient you are better able to face the stressful slings and arrows that one encounters in a lifetime, rather than resorting to maladaptive coping strategies such as escapism (gaming, having affairs), self-medicating (abuse of alcohol, drugs), or breaking down (depression, burnout, anxiety attacks) or developing other psychological problems (paranoia, obsessive stalking).

Hence, we can think of resiliency as the super multivitamin – and the daily prescription (Rx) provides protection from environmental stressors which might, potentially, make us unwell.

There are a number of tests of resilience – for children, youth and adults. They can be self-administered. I have adapted selection of questions from various tests below to provide some examples of some of the items that are sometimes assessed. I remind you, the test within this blog is not an empirically tested diagnostic test, it serves instead as a potential check-up of your current aspects of functioning – a check-in check-up.

The RED DOOR Resiliency Rx – quick check-up

Let’s begin with some questions about how you see yourself, and then explore other categorical elements of resilience.  Select the frequency that you experience the following thoughts/ feelings or experiences:

How I see myself

how do i see myself

It stands to reason that how you see yourself will influence how well you feel you can respond to a stressful situation. Self-efficacy, our belief in our ability to influence the outcome of a situation is a key aspect. If we do not believe we have any chance to change an outcome we are forced to sit inert, whilst unfortunate events happen ‘to us’. How we see ourselves, our positive self-affect (self-liking) is also an aspect of resilience, as is our self-esteem (sense of self-worth). If we think positively about ourselves and see our worth, we can withstand adversity’s impact on our feelings towards ourselves, and our ability to be positive in the future.

A series of beliefs about ourselves, especially if they are distorted, can compromise our ability to cope. If you see yourself as a ‘loser’, or an ‘idiot’, you will expect that situations are likely to end in a negative position.

When stress occurs, those who harbour perfectionist distorted fears, such as a strong fear of making mistakes or have doubts about your actions to the extent that you are forced into in action, maybe in for a harder time when the going gets tough. It stands to reason that how you see yourself will influence how well you feel you can respond to a stressful situation.

Self-efficacy, our belief in our ability to influence the outcome of a situation is a key aspect. If we do not believe we have any chance to change an outcome we are forced to sit inert, whilst unfortunate events happen ‘to us’.

How we see ourselves, our positive self-affect (self-liking is also an aspect of resilience, as is our self-esteem (sense of self-worth). If we think positively about ourselves and see our worth, we can withstand adversity’s impact on our feelings towards ourselves, and our ability to be positive in the future.

On the four questions above I would expect a score of 10 or above to indicate that you see yourself well in terms of ability to be resilient. *

Framing and reframing situations

Framing and reframing situations

How you see the situation, and can challenge one’s original interpretations of a  situation – the ability to frame and reframe – also influences your overall resiliency.

Cognitive distortions – beliefs that you hold about the world, influence how well you can respond to it. If you tend to catastrophize about what may happen, you create a lot of additional internal anxiety for your system to deal with, beyond that which is presented by the original situation. Additionally, comparing your work or yourself to others is a guaranteed way to build doubt in yourself over the long run. Even if you are the cleverest, you probably won’t also be the most charming, or good looking, or most popular, or best educated, or best dressed. The list of comparisons you can make is endless, and the only guarantee is that you will, eventually, fall short.

Your ability to brainstorm creatively about resolving problems will lead to confidence to address challenging situations, just as having a positive attitude about challenges, learned optimism also helps. Being present, and mindful, is essential. Tackle each problem step by step and don’t fret over the parts that are a long way off from being realised. Many concerns may not materialise. If you focus on all the potential problems you may encounter in the futurebefore you make a particular decision, it’s enough to make one hide under the covers for days on end, rather than face up to making needed decisions today.

Being grateful is not just for hippies. Being grateful and keeping gratitude lists encourages two positive resiliencies boosting aspects – firstly, the ability to see that many things are good, even when not everything is good, and secondly, the recognition that there are a lot of people who would be happy to have half of what we have. Altruism, and helping others rise, will help you install the ability to bounce back into your own psyche.

On the five questions above, I would suggest that a score of 17 or higher indicates that you frame, and re-frame, situations in a positively resilient manner. *

Current coping mechanisms

Current coping mechanisms

Take a moment to consider how you cope with stress now, as it is very likely that you will utilise the same coping mechanisms in moments of acute stress. Maladaptive stress responses include self-medicating through alcohol consumption or recreational drug use, escaping through game playing (on devices or with people), and avoidance (procrastinating, avoiding going out).

There are healthier coping mechanisms that you can learn. A good place to start is in identifying the stressors in your life and how your body responds under stress (for example stomach pains, headache, fatigue, shaking) so that you can identify these symptoms relationship to your anxiety experience. Learn calming techniques, breathing, relaxation, colouring, and mediation to help calm your body.  If you lack assertiveness, consider assertiveness training. Practice stress management techniques (blog coming shortly on this specific topic).

If you score less than 12 on the four questions above, it may be time to evaluate your current coping mechanisms in terms of ability to be resilient over the long term*Take a moment to consider how you cope with stress now, as it is very likely that you will utilise the same coping mechanisms in moments of acute stress.

Maladaptive stress responses include self-medicating through alcohol consumption or recreational drug use, escaping through game playing (on devices or with people), and avoidance (procrastinating, avoiding going out). There are healthier coping mechanisms that you can learn. A good place to start is in identifying the stressors in your life and how your body responds under stress (for example stomach pains, headache, fatigue, shaking) so that you can identify these symptoms relationship to your anxiety experience. Learn calming techniques, breathing, relaxation, colouring, and mediation to help calm your body.  If you lack assertiveness, consider assertiveness training. Practice stress management techniques (blog coming shortly on this specific topic).

If you score less than 12 on the four questions above, it may be time to evaluate your current coping mechanisms in terms of ability to be resilient over the long term*.

Making the most of your support network

Making the most of your support network

In order to be resilient, you need to be able and willing to ask for help and lean on people. What is particularly important, and a key element of our Teen Resiliency Rx course is understanding who are your real friends and differentiating them from those you simply spend time with. We all need someone, actually more than one, person we know has got our backs. Sometimes even trustworthy friends cannot be there for us in a crisis, because of their own life situations, so having a diverse network of support is important, especially for teenagers. Encourage your teenagers to have friends both inside and outside of school.

Resilient people also have healthy relationships with people they spend time with. They have robust boundaries – they understand what is their responsibility and what is yours and do not get those mixed-up. They do not hold negative cognitive distortions about how others see them, and have the skills to appropriately deal with conflict in relationships. All of these skills can be taught if you consider yourself enmeshed in other people’s drama, or constantly thinking people hate you.

I would consider a score of 14 or over to demonstrate that you are doing well in building supportive networks around yourself, providing a safety net, in case you need it. *

Committed to your purpose

Committed to your purpose

If you have had your path in life written for you by others, perhaps your parents or as the trailing partner of an expat, you may feel a lack of purpose. This is because you are not pursuing your own goals, rather that of others. It is important to have a sense of purpose about your life. If it needs some temporary adjustment because of your circumstances, that can be incorporated. You need to know where you are going, and why it is important for you, or you will not feel satisfied when you get there. Build a personal growth plan and an action plan so you feel directed. Manage part of your time to achieve these goals. Believe in yourself, be confident , and committed to your purpose. Enlist help if you cannot do this on your own.

Part of being committed to a purpose is to ensure that you make it to the finish line. Your health is a priority. Many of us place our health needs on a back burner because of today’s pressing needs. Your body and mind need you to be as healthy as you can be, so that if an acute stressor occurs, you have your health to rely on.

If you score 13 or more you are on your way to your purpose. If you score below this, please consider what you can do to help yourself build purposeful resilience into your daily plans*.

How did you do?

If your resiliency check-up went well, then congratulations. If your scores didn’t add up the way we recommend, then consider what might be areas for development for you. Part of being resilient is reaching for advice when you need it.

*Please remember this is not a true empirical diagnostic test. Low scores indicate you can work on areas, high scores do not guarantee that you will be resilient when hit by a crisis. If you have any concerns about your resiliency score contact our team at RED DOOR for more discussion. reception@reddoor.hk

#reddoor #resilience #personalitytest #support #mentalhealth #perfectionism #stress #selfefficacy #selfesteem #anxiety

Change your thinking – change your life.

filtersBeing contented is a matter of perspective. Those whom are content are more likely to be able to respond positively to change when it is required, accept that many negative events are beyond their control, and allow situations to proceed differently than their initial expectations. This is because they can approach life’s challenges with a rational, and cognitively flexible, perspective.

It is possible to change your thinking and be happier. If you are willing to challenge your thoughts, you can change your life.

What are thinking filters? 

Famous psychologist, Albert Ellis, identified a plethora of irrational beliefs that we develop as part of the way we are raised, see the world, and believe about ourselves and other people. These beliefs are filters that, like a pair of glasses, interfere with the way that we see situations. Wearing faulty filters may cause people to engage in self-defeating behaviours such as experiencing self-hatred, jealousy, self-harm, accepting abusive relationships, over reacting to situations,  procrastinating, and anger.

You can stop help yourself and remove your faulty filters by creating a constructive dispute with yourself, or even have a counsellor lead this discussion for you. The dialogue will depend on the filters that you use most frequently. Experiencing faulty filters is quite common. Read on our list of common cognitive filters, how they influence how you perceive situations, and how you can change the view.

 

Black-and-white-thinking.

black and white thinkingThis type of thinking occurs when you look at situations in a polarised way – situations, people, activities are either good or bad, nothing in between. Most situations are neither complete disasters or beyond fantastic, often situation have both good and bad aspects. Most people have some attributes that you find challenging, but this doesn’t make these people totally bad or good.

When people wear these black-and-white-thinking filters they can respond in an inflexible way to challenges – “I didn’t get an A in that test and now my future is ruined “or “I submitted that assignment but I made an error in the first paragraph so the whole article is now rubbish”.

In particular people who have black-and-white-thinking in relation to people find themselves caught in judgement loops – these people are all bad, and therefore my poor behaviour towards them is acceptable, or they need to be brought down.

If one has black-and-white-thinking in relation to situations, a person can end up with lowered resilience. Every set back can become a tragedy, rather than a minor bump in the road.

Change the view: If you feel you may be one who experiences black-and-white-thinking actively force yourself to find the shades-of-grey in situations, or with people. Can you recall a time you thought something would be a tragedy and it ended up being ok? Perhaps you fall into the practice of judging a situation too quickly. The next time this happens, before you define a situation as a disaster, let your emotions, and the situation play out a little further. See where more evidence might lead you.

Should-ing and Must-ing.

All of use could be labeled “must-terbators” at some point in time.  It is irrational to believe that most things are absolutely necessary. Believing that acts should be performed in a particular way, at a specific time, or in an exact order, creates a tyranny of should – a condition where you live life dictated by a list of thoughts which are not really rational.

shouldWhilst everyone has lots of things that they should (or could) be doing, some beliefs are irrational in their detail and in their believed consequences. For example, if everything needs to be perfect, this creates a lot of pressure on a person to perform a task to a (sometimes) unrealistic standard. Believing that you need to be the perfect student, parent, worker, lover, or be in control of all events in your life, be slim and attractive at all times, always be interesting, always have a friction free family – are unrealistic.

Being influenced by excessive should-ing and must-ing can have a multitude of psychological consequences including:

Self-doubt: feeling like a failure because you can not maintain your own (self-imposed) impossible standards,

Procrastination: too frozen in fear to start a project without already being an expert, or knowing you will be perfect at it.

Strict expectations: that others will live up to the same standards of you, or should not settle for less than perfect. You may find, without really wanting to, that you bully others to live up to your expectations.

Change the view:  If you suffer from ‘must-terbation”, the cure is to create a thought dispute. Do you REALLY have to be a perfect parent/child/partner/etc? Is this a realistic expectation? What happens if you are not perfect? Do activities need to be conducted in a particular order? What might happen if the order can not be observed? Try to substitute the word “CAN” for the word “must”. This will help you remember that you have a choice in every situation. If you find that you respond with a high degree of anxiety to a need for order, you may have some early symptoms of obsessive-compulsive thinking, and may benefit from talking to a therapist to guide you more actively towards change.

Jumping to negative conclusions.

negative conclusionsWe all have the tendency to occasionally jump to negative conclusions. We may assume that someone deliberately performed an activity that hurt our feelings, or event assume and intent to their inaction (e.g. they don’t like me). In these situations, limited information or evidence can be used to support negative conclusions. This may be the case when we fail to get success at work, thinking that others are not supportive, when they are sometimes just too busy or not focused on our priority.

This type of faulty filter can lead to inaccuracies regarding our perception of people and situations.

Change the view: If you find yourself typically jumping to negative conclusions ask yourself the following reflective questions, “do I have solid evidence that my beliefs are true?” and, ”Is there a possible, alternative, view of this situation?”. If you jump to negative conclusions quite frequently you may even start to feel quite paranoid about other people’s motives. You may like to consider counselling in that situation. At least start a daily practice of reflection such as journaling so that you can capture and explore your emotional relationship with events at a time that may be willing to appraise your reactions.

Overgeneralising.

overgeneralising.jpgOvergeneralising is a special type of jumping to conclusions – both negative and positive conclusions. Overgeneralising is often reflected in our language choices – we use extreme frequency terms to describe behaviours – “they ALWAYS forget”, “Things NEVER go right for me in love relationships, EVERYBODY is happy except for me”. “Now that I am separated, ALL my married friends won’t want to see me”. Occasionally we may even do this after a single instance – one rejection letter leading to the assumption “I will never get a job”.

Change the view: When we overgeneralise, we can make decision that are self-defeating such as giving up on applications, feeling bad about ourselves, and limiting our experience of life.  This is very common in the stories you tell yourself about your romantic partner.

Try to ban words such as always, never, and everyone from your vocabulary, especially during self-talk. It is highly unlikely that an absolute term will be an accurate description of a situation.

Mind-Reading.

mindreadingMind-reading is a special type of jumping to negative conclusions. Not only do we make an assumption about people in the absence of complete evidence, but at some level we feel certain we know what they are thinking. Whilst on some occasions we may guess this right, we may also get this wrong. I often talk with clients who assume people talk about them negatively or think a particular way about them. In my experience we greatly overestimate how much people talk about us, and how judgmental of us they may be. Most people are usually worrying about their lives and what they need to do, rather than the role we play.

As a consequence, mind-reading can lead to self-limiting or self-defeating behaviours. We may not sign up for an activity because we know what people may think. For example, we may not go to join a dating event because you think others will think you are desperate. Or go to a family dinner because your cousin may negatively judge you.

Change the view: People who practice mind-reading will benefit from an automatic Anti-mindreading reminder that people do not think about you as much or as negatively as you think. Additionally, worrying about what people think may be indicative of your own challenges with self-esteem. When you love yourself enough, what other people think will not matter so much.

Catastrophising.

catastrophisingCatastrophising refers to the faulty filter we apply when exploring the future of situations in regard to negative outcomes. Whilst it is typical to occasionally feel a negative outcome, when we go for medical checks and such, excessive worry is of no help. If you tend to catastrophise regularly you cause yourself immense distress. Imagining that all situations will end in disaster is exhausting. Worrying that people will die or leave you will not make those situations any easier when they do happen, it just makes you experience the situation, virtually, again and again.

Change the view:  People who catastrophise need to challenge their thinking with more ‘realistic’ thoughts, and remind themselves how many times in the past situations have turned out OK. Often the worry caused by catastrophising may move people to seek out reassurance from others, and this in itself can become a problem. Try to do nothing for a while first. Whilst the anxiety you feel is unpleasant you can work to distract yourself from that experience with anxiety relieving activities.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/08/02/when-anxiety-attacks-6-immediate-solutions/

Personalising.

personalisingWhen we personalise we feel responsible for events or situations that are not our fault, or we assume that it is our fault. It can lead to us feeling offended when it isn’t necessary. If a friend ignores your text may not mean that you’ve offended them, instead it may mean they are busy. They may not be trying to offend us, or even be having an emotional reaction to something we have done.

Personalising can be a component of co-dependency in relationships. I once had a grumpy boss, and many of us who reported to him walked around on eggshells, torturing ourselves over what we had done wrong to upset him. Rather than wasting valuable energy on this worry, it might have been more constructive to let him have his time being grumpy (after all his emotions are his responsibility) and get on with the work that needed to be done.

If you have performed an act, either selfishly or unwittingly, where another person was hurt. You can take responsibility for your role in a situation, and apologise or try to make amends, but leave it to that situation. Whilst we can take responsibility of for our own behaviour and thoughts, we do not need to take responsibility for the choices of others.

Change the view: If you personalise you may want to review your thought process to see how a situation could be viewed differently. If you are taking responsibility for someone in addition to yourself you may want to ask yourself if you have become co-dependent –. When we are co-dependent, we see ourselves through the views of our significant others – if they say we are okay, then we are okay. IF they are angry or not operating properly in life, we need to change our behaviour in order to save them. Counselling is a great way to break out of co-dependent patterns.

Filtering.

We all filter sometimes. Imagine you are in a group and each is providing feedback on your work. Nine of the 10 people say you did a wonderful job. One person says they thought your contribution wasn’t good enough. Which do you remember – the 9 positive remarks, or the one negative. That is filtering.

filtering.jpgFiltering becomes a threat to our self -esteem if you use this faulty thinking style frequently. In the era of the internet where people can feel more willing to troll other people and say horrible things on line, selecting what you choose to believe and reinforce as regards you sense of self, is extremely important. This is especially true for teens who use internet vehicles to test reactions to their world views – and perhaps do not yet have the resilience to rebuff negative feedback.

Change the view: it takes time to build a solid sense of self, and it is a worth while activity. Catching the filtering you do in your life is one way to eliminate negative self-perceptions.  If 9 people say you are great, say thank you 9 times. To the person who gave negative feedback, say thank you as well (provided the feedback was given in an honest and with improvement in mind), but move on. One negative review does not define you, but it can help shape you. You will make mistakes in life. That is actually part of the journey. If one person says you are ugly, stupid, lame, vulgar, it is the opinion of ONE person, and quite possibly says more about them than it says about you. Be realistic, you will not receive 100% consensus on any topic, even how fabulous you are. There is only one vote that counts, and its yours.

Comparing.

comparingIt is common to consider our own attractiveness, status, success, and personal worth relative to others. Comparing oneself constantly can become quite negative, especially when we assume elements about the other person and ourselves. For example, thinking a person who gets a better pay rise than you is an overall better person than you is not only unrealistic, it is unproductive. Please see our article on the strong relationship between comparing and feeling miserable.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/10/23/comparison-a-one-way-ticket-to-misery/

Change the view:  Catch yourself comparing and making assumptions about others. If your friend has a success, this says nothing about you. Repeat to yourself, “ I am enough, I do not need to compare”.

Blaming.

blamingOccasionally people let us down, even hurt us with their actions. Sometimes these actions are intentional. Many times, they are not.  It is good to be able to accept disappointment and imperfections in others. If you find that you become stuck and blame others for your position in life, or in a situation you give away some of the power to fix that situation. Accepting someone’s behaviour is not an endorsement of that behaviour, it is simply acknowledging that bad realities exist, and that life can be unfair.

People can get become stuck in the hurt they feel – for example if they are forced out of a job, or their romantic relationship ends. It is up to us to help ourselves move on from painful events, even if they were initiated by the action of others.

Change the view: keep moving forward in life. There will be set backs. Overcoming them is a part of life and building resilience. If you are having trouble getting past a pain caused at work our article on career crisis might help {blog career crisis), whilst if you are stuck from the pain of a hurt in a personal relationship our blog on recovery may be of assistance.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/12/31/let-it-go-let-it-grow/

Labelling.

We all make mistakes or act foolishly sometimes. When we label ourselves, rather than our behaviour we diminish ourselves. For example, if you made a mistake on a report you could say, “I made a mistake”, or you could label “I’m so stupid”. The latter response does nothing for your self-esteem. Acknowledge mistakes and bad choices as part of life, that can be forgiven.

labellingIt is also illogical to label others, on the basis of one inference or observation. One fight with a colleague does not make her a “bitch”. When we label others, we not only diminish them, we provide rationalisation for further retaliation, “its okay to do xyz, because she is a bitch”. This is clearly not rational, and can often become prejudicial.

Change the view: Catch yourself when you use labels for yourself and others. Label acts and behaviours as problematic, not the person. We all need forgiveness sometime.

Where to next?

Did you notice if you have been wearing filters? Its time to take off those shades, and change your view. Changing your thinking patterns will change your life. Are you ready to feel differently. Challenge these thinking filters and see how your life could be better.

One way is to start to actively practice cognitive flexibiliy exercises. These can be done alone,but are even more effective when discussed with a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to help clients identify thought traps and repetitive patterns, and as such may also be able to help you ask the very different questions you need to ask to change your reactivity to a situation. Some great examples of cognitive flexibility questions are detailed below. 

 

Using cognitive flexibility exercises, such a using these questions when you are reacting to a situation, can be part of a pathway to change.

About the Author: Angela Watkins is a CBT and narrative therapy counsellor working in Hong Kong with teens and adults. Angela helps her clients work through pain, shame, grief, and being stuck. You can feel differently.

Note: an earlier version of this article first appeared in 2019. This article has been updated and edited since that time. The latest version of this article was edited in April 2025. 

#catastrophising   #commonthinkingerrors  #faultythinking #blackandwhitethinking  #comparison  #blaming  #filtering  #personalising    #mindreading #reddoorcounselling

Get into the Group: English language support/ therapy groups available in Hong Kong

The Benefits of Group Counselling/ Therapeutic support groups.

There is no doubt that individual therapy can help individuals feel better.. Group therapy can be a powerful alternative or addiction to achieve therapeutic results as well.

Group counselling offers unique benefits—working through challenges collectively can reduce feelings of isolation and shame, provide access to shared resources, and often be more affordable than individual therapy.

Who Leads Group Therapy?
Groups can be led by qualified mental health professionals, such as counsellors or psychologists, or facilitated by individuals with lived experience. When choosing a group, consider the facilitator’s qualifications and experience. Some with lived experience are highly capable of guiding others, especially when they have received appropriate training and are not simply sharing their story repeatedly. You are entitled to ask about the leaders depth of experience in addressing an issue.

Cost and Accessibility
Group sessions vary in cost—some are free, while others charge a fee. Typically, group therapy is significantly less expensive than individual sessions, making mental health support more accessible.

Effective Group Dynamics
Successful groups are run by competent leaders who establish clear rules regarding privacy and respect, share the group’s goals, and manage members who may disrupt progress—such as those experiencing emotional dysregulation, refusing to participate, or bringing unrelated issues to the group.

Below is a list of current English-language groups in Hong Kong covering various topics. Please note I haven’t personally experienced all of these groups, so this information isn’t an endorsement but a resource guide.


Counselling & Support Groups in Hong Kong

Iron Fairies
A therapeutic support group for
women navigating divorce, run by RED DOOR Counselling. Led by an experienced psychologist and counsellor, it has been active since 2017. The group meets fortnightly at RED DOOR’s Central office, with additional support via a mobile app.
Fee: HKD 300
Contact: WhatsApp 93785428 | Email: angelaw@reddoor.hk

Talk Hong Kong
Offers support groups for survivors of sexual abuse and assault, for both men and women. Facilitated by peer leaders with lived experience, these monthly groups aim to build coping skills, understand personal trauma, and establish healthy boundaries.
More info: https://www.talkhongkong.org/

Special Needs Network Hong Kong
A longstanding support group for parents of children with disabilities, providing education, support, and community connection. Open for over 20 years, it meets monthly—ideal for parents of children with special educational needs.
Website: https://www.snnhk.org/

St. John’s Counselling (Young Adult Group)
A peer-support group for young adults facing mental health challenges, facilitated by counsellors. Suitable for those seeking an alternative to face-to-face individual counselling, with weekly meetings held at St. John’s office.
Contact: 2525 7207 | Email: kimberly.ho@sjcc.hk

The Care Bridge

The Care Bridge is an online group run by counsellors and counsellors in training from RED DOOR Counselling. The group supports adults as they care for relatives at a distance. It can be stressful and worrying looking after people who you are far apart from. The group meets via zoom. Attendance at the group is free.

Contact: WhatsApp 93785428 | Email: angelaw@reddoor.hk

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
A global organization focused on overcoming alcohol addiction through the 12-step program. Meetings are held weekly both in person and online. AA’s approach may not suit everyone, but it remains one of the most effective programs available.
More info: https://www.aa-hk.org/

SMART Recovery
An alternative to AA that does not involve spirituality. It employs a science-based, four-point program empowering individuals to manage cravings, change thoughts and behaviors, and lead balanced lives. Meetings are weekly, available both face-to-face and online.
Instagram/Facebook: @smartrecoveryhk | Website: https://smartrecovery.org/

OCD and Anxiety Support
Monthly group therapy for individuals experiencing severe anxiety, led by qualified counsellors or counsellors in training. A donation is requested, with discounted counselling options available. For OCD.
More info: https://www.ocdanxietyhk.org/

The New Normal
A charity offering monthly mental health support groups on topics like grief, cancer, and under employment. Led mainly by trained volunteers, these sessions are usually free.
Website: https://www.thenewnormalcharityhk.org/


Final Thoughts

Trying a support group can be highly beneficial—you may find it complements individual therapy or serves as an effective standalone approach. If a group isn’t suitable or available, individual counselling remains a valuable option.

About the Author
Angela Watkins is a private practice counsellor and psychologist based at RED DOOR Counselling Hong Kong. She supports adults through divorce, anxiety, depression, substance misuse, abuse, and career transitions. Angela also leads the Iron Fairies group for women navigating divorce, and is also one of the counsellors running the Care Bridge.

Note: If you operate an English-language mental health support group and would like your information to be included contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

#grouptherapy

#divorcerecovery

#parentingspecialneeds

#alcoholicsanoymous

#smartrecovery