The Western world has a lot to apologise for when it comes to bereavement. Our approach to dealing with death actually makes it more painful for some people. There is some societal expectation that we can just “get over it”, and that “closure” is our objective. We live in fear of our own deaths, as if death were an option and not a reality. We even fear the corpse – as if it were somehow separate from our once living body, not simply another step in the life cycle.  Is this healthy?

The seminal book, “On Death and Dying” was written by Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. I had the pleasure of attending her workshop on the five stages of grief following death and was changed forever. Dr Kübler-Ross reminds us that since we never know when we or others will die, we should never leave a loved one unsure of our feelings for them, and never let your last words be those filled with malice.

In our counselling practice, clients come to us trapped in their grief over the passing of loved ones, angry at their own impatience that they just can’t get past these feelings.

Dr Kübler-Ross was one of the first researchers to analyse an individual’s response to death. Each person’s grief is unique and depends on their personality, the relationship with the deceased, the quality of death (sudden, long, quiet, violent), the emotional style of the bereaved, their mental health, and the social and cultural perspectives on death and the afterlife.

Your personal experience of grief might be some of the elements that you could address with a counsellor in therapy. In addition to your individual expectations, we would also explore how, as a product of  society and culture, you can experience  bereavement in different ways

The societal and cultural views of death and grief

There are three basic cultural beliefs about death. First, there are those cultures which death is to be defied. They  believing that death can be vanquished and is temporary, such as the beliefs held by ancient Egyptians. Second, there are cultures that accept death, including those of the Pacific region, such as the Fijians, believe that death is simply a stage of life. Death is a stage of life, and therefore discussed openly. Finally, we have a western view – the death denying. We behave as if death can be avoided and that grief should to lead to quick and convenient closure. This approach can exacerbate feelings of shock around the experience of death. Suddenly someone you love is gone, and society expects you to just move on. When we struggle we start to wonder if there is something is wrong with us, rather than the expectations of our society.

 

Rich in rituals

The use of rituals at the time of death may help or hinder the experience of grief. The formal funeral common in the western world is a far cry from the Maori Tangihanga – a three-day grieving ritual with gathering, storytelling, beer and tears a plenty. The same could be said of the Irish tradition of a merry wake. These highly emotive celebrations lament death and mourning as a rite of passage, normalising the expression of pain. It is not sombre, quiet and with restraint. All emotions are explored and experienced.

 

Connecting to the echo

Staying connected to those who have passed helps people to grieve. Celebrating a loved one’s birthday with their favourite food or wine, or enjoying one of their activities, continues to keep you connected to those who have died. In her wonderful book for children, “The Invisible String”, Patrice Karst reminds us that we remain connected to the dead through our shared love and remembrances. Rituals and celebrations are a great way to maintaining connectivity. The Mexican celebration, the Day of the Dead invites the departed to revisit the earth and join their families. The Chinese traditionally improve the afterlives for their loved ones by burning paper objects such as iPads, new clothes and even cars so that their ancestors are nice and comfortable. These rituals keep the departed loved, remembered and, most importantly connected to the living.

I close with the wonderful poem Death is Nothing At All by Henry Scott Holland, who speaks eloquently for the departed.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

 

#Bereavement

#CopingwithDeath

If you would like to regularly read our RED DOOR blogs – on a range of topics from death, mental health and wellbeing, relationships, parenting, anxiety, sadness, addiction, and so much more – please like our FB page:  https://www.facebook.com/REDDOORHongKong/

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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, career change, stress management and divorce.

It happens to almost all of us. One day you realise it’s time to leave your current job. Sometimes you want to, sometimes you are driven by forces beyond your control. When it comes to a career change, getting yourself mentally prepared will help you select a  job that helps address your current dissatisfaction and cover your expenses. You can respond more effectively when you better understand the impact of the catalysts of change (you vs them), and your readiness to respond (engine primed vs engine stalled), on your emotional well-being.

 

Responding to the catalysts of change

Change in your career driven by external forces is often beyond your control. This may initially leave you feeling powerless or in a state of disbelief. Your job may be marked for downsizing, your project may fall out of favour with management, or past allegiances may make you a target for future dismissal. Outside of the office, other external factors such as your marital status or health may impact your ability to work the way you have in the past. Change may be required so that you can take care of your child, go to the hospital for specific and timely treatments, or reduce your stress to save yourself from exhaustion. The COVID pandemic compressed the job market for a while, meaning many people found their jobs were not possible, and thus, terminated. 

 

Sometimes the catalyst for change is internal – such as a lack of fulfilment, boredom, or dislike of people or processes within your organisation. You will feel frustrated, demoralised and demotivated.  Do you think it’s time to move on?

 

Readiness to change – the primed vs the reluctant

How much you want to change jobs, and respond to that desire, will influence how successfully you change your career. You may not want that change to happen, but you must cope with change that is going to occur.  Those that are primed for change not only want it, but are looking for the nearest well-lit Exit and a door to something better. Those that are reluctant may be riddled with doubts about their worth and performance. In short, they are scared – right now.

If you get yourself ready for change – and respond to the right catalysts in an optimal fashion, you will gain a sense of control and tame your fear.

 

What to do when you are primed to respond to external catalysts:

If you face external forces and are primed for change you will need to shift from feeling resentful and out of control towards feeling empowered. This is an opportunity for excitement and optimism as you recharge in a new career. To make a positive change, find your passion and move forward with purpose. Identifying your passion sometimes seem quite complicated. Try asking yourself these three questions:

1.   What job would you do for no monetary payment at all?

2.   What role do you need to fulfil in life to feel complete? And, importantly for most;

3.   What can you do to be paid to do what you want to do?

 

What to do when you are reluctant to respond to external catalysts:

If you are reluctant to accept change you may engage in mental cycles, bargaining with yourself: “If I just do xxx, then management will see this situation differently”. Whilst there may be some possibility of accommodating change, this is a very stressful way to survive, with no guarantee of success or peace of mind. Denial and resistance in the workplace will not help you succeed. What can you do? Work on accepting what may be inevitable, protecting yourself and your self-esteem. In these situations, people often blame themselves. Be gentle. Take a kind look at yourself and a harsh look at your circumstances. Company decisions do not reflect on you personally.

Help yourself by recognizing and exploring some of the faulty thinking that may occur. Are you taking too much personal responsibility for events that are out of your control? Are you personalising a situation which really isn’t personal? Do you catastrophize – think that this is the end of the world, rather than the end of a job? Getting past the fear of “breaking up” will allow you to get your head back in the game and focus on finding a job where you will be fulfilled and appreciated. Start collecting yourself step-by-step. Each day remind yourself that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, not in the middle of it. Do one thing every day towards building a new tomorrow for yourself. For more information, read our blog – Career change with courage click here

 

What to do when you are primed and ready to answer internal unrest:

If the force of change is internal, then your thoughts or experiences have left feeling a need to change – whether it’s your responsibilities, management, pay or colleagues. A progressive step may be to conduct a “life audit”. What is working in your life right now, and, more importantly, what isn’t? Are you doing this job because you want to or because you feel you should?

As a counsellor I encounter clients with well-paid, high-powered jobs which they hate but feel obligated to continue. Expand your concept of what constitutes a reward – it takes courage to change a job that pays well in cash, but very little in terms of satisfaction, joy or meaning. Start to think about what you like to do.  A complete change of career is possible.  If you won’t retire for another 10-15 years, wouldn’t you prefer to do something that you love?  If you get stuck, work with a counsellor or executive coach to consider career opportunities. You don’t have to jump ship today, but having a timeline will buoy you through today’s annoyances until you are ready.

What to do when you face internal unrest, but are reluctant to change:

It’s hard to live with the pain created by internal unrest while you are reluctant or resistant to change. This echoes the route to insanity – doing the same thing again and again yet every time expecting a different outcome.  This stalemate can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and depression. In order to survive emotionally, if you determine that you will stay in your a job, you need to make peace with your situation. You may be able to create more balance between the elements of your life you like and those that you don’t. Take up a new sport or hobby. Volunteer in the community. If peace does not come easily avoid escapist traps of self-medication through drugs and alcohol, which will only add to your feelings of depression.  If you feel stuck, and are scared, you are not alone. Engage a coach or a counsellor to help you get ready to accept, or to move on.

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#careergoals #careerchange #occupationalstress #resiliency #careergoals #futureofwork #stress

Other great articles about career change

Face career change with courage. You can do it

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/facing-career-change-with-courage/

Future success is not an accident. Prepare yourself for the Future of Work

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/defeating-fo-fow/

How to respond to career crisis

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/07/11/start-me-up-responding-to-career-crisis/

Work stress – manage stress for Lawyers.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/11/27/work-hard-stress-harder-understanding-the-experience-of-stress-among-senior-lawyers-in-hong-kong/

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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on adults in the areas of career change, loss of direction, burnout, relationship, depression, OCD, anxiety, perfectionism, the experience of divorce, family challenges,  and parenting special needs children.

 

Jane sat down next to Lucy at the Christmas concert.  Lucy started to detail the family’s travel plans for their Christmas holiday.

“It’s important to get out of town now that we can, and we need to go state side to catch up with my family before we go to Europe to see Ben’s parents”. How about you, where are you going?”

Jane didn’t want to tell Lucy that she and the kids were experiencing tough times financially, and there were no overseas trips on the horizon. “I don’t know yet”, she lied. To herself, she thought, “Lucy is so lucky; I am such a failure”.

 

People often appraise their success, their status, and their personal worth by comparing themselves with others, even celebrities. Facebook and Instagram are full of images of beautiful smiling families, exclusive dinners, children’s awards, and personal achievements. Comparing ourselves with others, especially through social media channels, can rob us of joy and happiness. At a time when we often discuss our plans for the holiday season, comparing celebrations can rob you of some of  from the joy you create with your own plans.

 

Invariably, there are will always be someone who is a better academic, speaker, sportsperson, or is taller, thinner, richer, with more Facebook friends than you. When we make these comparisons to others, we stimulate feelings of inadequacy and bitterness within ourselves. These comparisons are especially harmful to teens as their sense of self is not as yet fully developed. Whilst we often compare our experience to that of others, ask yourself if you do this more than is helpful? Read on and see if comparison is actually impacting your ability to be happy.

 

 Seven reasons to stop comparing. 

1)    When you constantly look at the world through a lens of “winners and losers” you will always find others who have achieved more than you. This is disorienting, and artificially casts you in the role of loser. This is damaging to your sense of self-worth.

2)    Comparing people is usually driven by inaccurate information. In the situation described at the beginning of this blog, Jane feels inadequate because she is comparing the value of “holidays”, what that might signify to others and then applying her perceptions to her sense of success. She doesn’t know that Lucy has a troubled marriage, struggles with her children, and suffers with mental health issues. We often compare  snapshots and these are often superficial, incomplete and heavily filtered (not to mention photo-shopped).

3)    Constantly comparing yourself to your friends, and others, robs you of the enjoyment in celebrating their successes with them, and can lead you to see friends as rivals rather than a valuable source of personal support and fun.

4)    Comparing yourself with others is a constant losing battle. It never ends. Striving to compare doesn’t make you feel better and can create a learned compulsory cycle of discontent, feeling “less-than”, and self-hatred.

5)    Comparisons with others can distract you from your goals. The ruminations that comparing creates zaps your energy and wastes what energy you have focusing on a perceived deficit in yourself rather than on achieving your goals in life.

6)    Comparing yourself with others will only echo the feeling that life is unfair. Some people are born with more advantages such as social connections, wealth and looks. The world is an uneven playing field. When we focus on comparisons we brood on this unfairness rather than focusing on what we have the power to achieve.

7)    Comparisons focus your attention on the outside world, rather than your inner state. When you focus on how you look relative to others, you may lose sight of what values you want to represent and who you are as a person.

 

Break the cycle: compare no more

• The first step to breaking the comparison mindset is to acknowledge the thoughts you are having and accept them as they occur. Remember that you have choices. Decide to challenge your thoughts and how you interpret the world. Confront your perceptions. Do you have full and accurate information about a person or a situation? Does it really matter to your life goals?
• Be more aware of your own successes relative to your goals. Recognize your achievements and celebrate your success rather the comparing it with the (perceived) success of others.
• Appreciate more, compare less. Practicing gratitude about what you have, without looking to see if it is more or less than what others have, will increase your sense of satisfaction.
• Give yourself the occasional pep talk. Tell yourself “Nobody is perfect. I deserve kindness from myself.” Rather than focusing on others, explore what you can learn about yourself.
• Stop yourself from falling back into the cesspit of comparisons. Celebrate your uniqueness, find yourself a mentor to help you focus on what you want to achieve, and act to make your personal contribution to your world.

You can make your life happier, simply by stopping activities which are associated with diminishing enjoyment of life. Stop comparing, and start celebrating who you are, the life you have, and the people around you. If you continue to have problems breaking your compulsion to compare, you might like to consider counselling.

#Thinkingerrors

#Comparison

#Depression

#Gratitude

#Holiday

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About the author: Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, career change, stress management and divorce. Angela was highlighted as Hong Kong’s best therapist by lifestyle magazine, Liv. 

People sometimes seek counselling for emotional numbness – stating they feel nothing, or feel detached from themselves, a sense of boredom about everything that they are involved in, even feeling that they are watching their lives rather than living them.

 

What is going on? 

Emotional numbness can be a component of depression. The experience of depression varies from person to person. Our usual understanding of depression involves the feeling of sadness. Some other symptoms of depression include feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, emptiness and numbness.  Usually depression involves a person’s distortion of perception and loss of perspective . People may feel something is wrong, but cannot identify what it is, describing it as a general sense of pessimism.

When people experience depression-numbness they don’t feel much at all. They experience life without active engagement.  In my experience, clients who wish to break from this pattern are often men, perhaps because of the process of how the numbness is developed.

 

Why/ How does this happen?

Emotional numbing is not a deliberate or conscious choice by individuals. Sometime the reason for exists in your childhood. Children may have faced extreme situations and, as a consequence, believe that expressing emotions or sensitivity would be responded to negatively. This protective reflex continues longer than was originally necessary, even when danger or judgement has been removed. It can become a permanent way shielding to feel nothing.

 

What is a proposed treatment?

The path to numbness is complex, as is the path out. Part of the challenge is understanding personal and deeply seated motivations to avoid the experience of emotions due to a fear to being overwhelmed by feelings. While you may not like the numbness, the alternative may seem terrifying.

Therapists working with emotional numbness will help clients safely identify emotions, experiment with small (safe) doses of emotional identification, which help thaw through the protective shell that has been developed. Clients have to believe there is a benefit to learning to feel again. The benefits are recovering and accepting yourself, learning to love your life, and perchance, to experience true happiness.

If you feel you are struggling with emotional numbness please consider counselling. Be patient with yourself, it does take time to feel again.

 

#reddoor

#depression

#emotionalnumbness

Are you wondering how you can improve your performance at work, and your career in general, from good to great? During the season of appraisals and bonus setting, how you can move yourself up the ladder is worth consideration.

Here are our top ten recommendations.

1)      What is your WHY?

Without a clear vision of what you want to achieve, and a proper understanding of your compulsion to accomplish that goal, you may be rowing frantically in circles. Identify your goal and its purpose so you can determine a route to row.  You need to have a plan in place.

Even then, you will need to really love the job and the path. To be the best at what you do, you need to adore the job you do. Otherwise you may not have enough energy to commit to the journey. If you don’t know your WHY or your WHAT you can explore this with a coach or counsellor.

2)      Develop the mindset of a champion

A champion connects his or her capabilities to their passion. What are your strengths that are relevant to your goal? How can you best apply these to distinguish yourselves from others in the workplace?  But don’t stop there.

3)      Practice positive habits

Champions practice self-reflection – looking for ways to learn and improve. Reward yourself for your investment in yourself and your future.  Stick with your commitment to growth. It is not that you won’t fall down, once, twice, or maybe even five times, what matters is that you get up every time and continue on your journey.  Consider alternative ways to solve a problem if your first ideas fail. Remember the words of Voltaire, “no problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking”.

4)      Hustle for results, then hustle some more. 

Understand what problems your company needs you to solve, and commit to bringing about results which will solve those problems. During your yearly review ask your boss how she/he will know you have been successful in your role. From their response build a plan, the backbone of which is your KPIs (Key Performance Indicators) that you will be measured by and can use to benchmark yourself. Now you know your goalpost, aim for it, and communicate your successful results upward. When you do, acknowledge the support of your team, and your boss, in helping you achieve these results. This highlights you as grateful, as well as focused.

5)      Build a winning team around yourself. 

If you want to be great at what you do, do not model or tolerate mediocrity or laziness from your teammates. Your team is a reflection of you. Surround yourself with people who are strong where you are weak. These people will amplify your impact, and help you with your blind spots. For example,, I’m known for my humorous, accountable, and no nonsense approach to counselling, and my private clients like this approach.  In building a counselling practice, I understand a range of styles are required. Therefore, I have deliberately selected other counsellors for this practice who provide support in gentler manner. When a new client comes to our practice I can offer them the best fit for their personality and circumstance, and offer them a range of counselling styles.

6)      Dissect the anatomy of  success within your organzation

Find the best examples of what you want to achieve and break down the components of others success into steps you can emulate. Are you as committed to your goal as much as they are? I have many successful friends who have been told that others would like to emulate them. They respond: “Are you willing to commit what I have committed in terms of time, money and opportunity cost?”

7)      Seek (constructive) feedback

Seek feedback from colleagues and people you admire and trust, not just through the performance review process, as well as from those whose job may be to manage your expectations. Rather than ask for generic feedback, seek details to the specific elements that could improve your chances of becoming CEO (or whatever title you’d like to achieve). Ask, “how could I better manage my team?” or, “How can I contribute more to the business?”, or even, “Is there anything you think I should be doing in my job, that I’m not”?

8)      Coach yourself to greatness

From the feedback you received set about to become your own super coach rather than beating yourself up with criticism. Being a good coach to yourself involves more than simply assessing performance gaps between desired and current performance. You need to set impact-oriented actions that will help you achieve your overall career goal. An external guide may be helpful at this juncture.

9)      Get out of your own way

Don’t let baggage or resentments of the past hold you back. All of us experience setbacks and receive the occasional critical comment. If you feel debilitated by such comments seek the reason. Are you a perfectionist who is fearful of all mistakes? Can you recognize that these are essential for growth? Are you stuck playing old roles from your past, wanting to prove your father (figure) wrong, or crush anyone who you suspect may betray you? Does criticism send you into a spiral of self-doubt? These patterns of behaviour might work for you occasionally, but prohibit achievement in the long run. Consider counselling to help you escape from self-hindering behaviour or thought patterns.

10)  Consider a change of scene, race in another place.  

You may not be able to get ahead and achieve your career goals with your current employer. If you have followed steps 1-9, and still see no results, consider a change of scene. Consider to move to competitor, or even a change of career. While you may be very good at what you do, it may not be the only thing you will be good at. Greatness may even found in a different occupation.  A counsellor or coach can help you evaluate your strengths and passions, as well as broadening your horizons.

we regularly have blogs on topics related to improving performance and career change. Attached is our popular blog on career change …

Facing career change with courage

 

#reddoor #selfimprovement #yearendappraisal #promotion #goodtogreat

 

 

I recall being told that when asked the standard interview question, “what is your greatest weakness”, the perfect answer is, “I’m a perfectionist”, The intended implication is to suggest that your standards so high that, undoubtedly, any business would be smart to hire you.

Contrary to this common belief, perfectionism and being a perfectionist, leaves one vulnerable to compromised mental health. Many of the numerous negative effects of perfectionism are overlooked due to the perceived benefits and rewards that come as the perceived result of holding high standards. Perfectionists themselves find it extremely hard to abandon these tendencies. Instead, they continue to pursue the perfect experience, often falling short, and then privately berate themselves as failures.

Perfectionism is far from perfect. This is particularly concerning for teens and young adults in our society.

The dark underbelly of perfectionism 

Teenagers today are studying in a highly competitive academic world that emphasises consistent achievement and compares students with their peers. For most, the pressure of academic standards is motivating. However, for those with a high degree of perfectionism, the pressure can lead to extremes of procrastination or an extraordinary effort that may not be justified. Due to a constant fear of failure, perfectionists take an all-or-nothing approach, which can result in paralysis, as an avoidance strategy. This is not uncommon, and remains misunderstood.

Due to an ‘All-or-Nothing’ mindset, perfectionists are unable to realise a middle-ground between two extremes — be perfect or quit. Driven by a fear of failure, the potential risk of mistakes can freeze them in their tracks.

I sometimes meet adults, whom I refer to as 96ers,  who would regularly score more than 90% in exams, who spend the time thinking about the 4-10 marks they DIDN’T get rather than those that they did. This practice reinforces a belief that they are not good enough.

Express not Suppress

For many, perfectionism can be translated not only into their work and aspirations, but also into the way in which they handle emotions. Within the spectrum of human limitations, perfectionists reject typical emotional reality as a form a failure, under the illusion that an unbroken chain of positive feelings is possible.

Furthermore, although uncommon, some perfectionists consider the idea of tormented life, a tortured soul and a wronged victim, as the ideal of the misunderstood perfectionist. Whether a perfectionist or not, there are many people who are taught that it is improper to display emotions. Perfectionism forces suppression and denies individuals the permission to acknowledge and experience ‘undesirable’ emotions… the very experience of being human.

The suppression of depressive thoughts is associated with a worsening of depressive symptoms, as it intensifies the emotions by keeping them fresh and active. This is why it is important to accept and release our built-up feelings, opening us to emotional growth and healthy grieving.

#RelationshipGoals

Within a relationship the media has become a third-party pressure for #RelationshipGoals. The added forces those with perfectionist tendencies to demand perfection from themselves, their partner, displayed through their social media profiles. Perfectionists tend to put so much pressure on themselves and their partner to be ‘perfect’ that they end up far from it. The demands that they put on themselves are often reflected on their partners, which lead to high expectations. As a result, perfectionists often feel disappointed, unsatisfied and resentful in relationships – a potential recipe for disaster – pressuring their partners with constant reminders of inadequacy.

Why is perfectionism difficult to abandon?

Nobody likes to fail, but it is the ability to recognise, understand and accept the reality of failure that allows you to digest it. However, for a perfectionist, the rejection of reality places them in a fantasy world where mistakes can be avoided and success is the only destination. This mindset restricts their desire to change, emphasising the apparent rewards and successes at the end of the tunnel, which are driven by the unforgiving fear of failure and of disappointing others.

Perfectionists cannot see the negative effects as clearly as the rewards, which leads them to cling to their standards and reject compromise.

Further detrimental effects of perfectionism, such as, depression, anxiety and eating disorders, highlight the importance of realising and understanding perfectionism. If you recognise yourself, I urge you to take action so that you can start making changes to become more self-accepting and begin to enjoy the journey. Self-compassion, and being your own champion, are more desirable for you in the long run.

If you would like to break free from your perfectionism prison you might like to consider visiting a counsellor. In counselling the thoughts associated with being perfect can be unpacked and assessed. Understanding the roots of your perfectionism, and the behaviours and thoughts that help you to maintain a perfectionist persona, can help you break free from self-judgement and self-loathing that accompanies the perpetual pursuit of perfection.

If you don’t feel ready, just yet, to address your perfectionist tendencies, consider reading books on this topic. I personally recommend Brené Brown’s The gifts of imperfection,  or Tal Ben-Shahar’s The pursuit of perfect.  Enjoy your journey back from impossibly high standards, embrace today and accept yourself as you are.

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#reddoor #perfectionism #relationshipgoals #imperfection #anxiety #mentalhealth #selfhelp

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For most people, irrespective of whoever they are and whatever they may have done in their lives, understanding addiction is difficult. People define and think about addiction in very different ways, depending on their experiences and point of view, leading to a vast array of theories about potential causes, and approaches to the treatment of addiction.

Features of addiction include compulsive behaviour, lack of control and proliferation of harm in many, if not all aspects of that person’s life.  Addiction is present in many peoples’ lives, and in a many different forms.  It may be related to substance abuse or compulsive behaviours, and range in strength from mild to severe.   Patterns of addiction can change depending on life stage, and behaviours may be time-limited, intermittent or persistent.

The causes of addiction can be influenced by any number of biological, psychological, social and cultural factors, and are perhaps as unique and individual as the person they concern.  It’s a complex issue and so not uncommon to feel troubled, baffled and frustrated when trying to find ways of dealing with the situation.

The good news is that much can be done to try to improve the situation.  If you think you might be struggling with addiction problems yourself or are worried about someone you know, here are some important things to remember.

You are not alone – Help is often available.  Healthcare providers are a good place to start learning about addiction and the types of help that are available.  Healthcare websites will often signpost to additional sources of information.  There may support groups that work in your area, or you may know people that have struggled with addiction in the past.  Talk to as many people as you can, and find out what advice and support can be accessed online and face-to-face. For adults in Hong Kong, support groups exist such a Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, SMART recovery. Whilst we don’t have as many groups as may be available in the US or the UK, in response to COVID, many support groups have moved online. If you look online, you may be able to join a support group for your particular addiction or compulsion based elsewhere. .

Share the load. – It is important that the person with addiction, and people close to them, acknowledge that there is a problem and work together to find a way of managing the situation in the long and short term. Rather than one person working to solve the challenge, there is a team. Remember there will almost certainly be occasional setbacks and unexpected developments, but don’t give up, accept that the path may not be as you originally planned, but your destination remains the same.   Think about other people who can be of support you at times like this – maybe family members, friends and specialist support groups.  Just as we might surround ourselves with others who have similar addictions as part of maintaining our addiction, think about spending more time with people who have healthier coping strategies and a positive approach to life.  Look around for role models that can inspire you in your path away from addiction.

Manage your expectations –  Don’t be too disappointed if a one-size fits all, simple solution fails to materialise.  In most cases, addictive behaviour will be the result of combination of factors, individual to that person, and will require a holistic and bespoke approach. Your path out of an addictive situation may need to be as unique as you are.

Consider the underlying issues –  People may turn to substance abuse, or other unhealthy behaviours, as a way to cope with undiagnosed developmental or mental health conditions, environmental stressors or negative patterns of thought.   Addictive behaviour may be symptomatic of unknown or unacknowledged struggles. It is worthwhile to think about your needs – those that have been met and those that remain unmet – so that you develop a plan that is beyond your compulsive behaviours, but makes you feel more whole and functional in the long run.

Think about potential development opportunities – Most people will experience a hedonistic rush at some point in their lives, and although like the sensation, will not go on to develop addictive habits.  Evolution equipped us with a need to seek out pleasure and minimise pain, but unfortunately not everyone has the ability to control their behaviour all the time, and in every situation. Sometimes, we all need a little help to develop important coping skills such impulse control and self-regulation. At the very least forgive yourself your past failings, and think about what you would like to do differently in the future. The past is like a distant country with the border closed, it cannot be changed, but your future is yours to determine.

And finally, keep your eye on the prize.  Recovery from addiction may be a long and ongoing process but if successful, more than worthwhile.   Feeling free to enjoy all that life has to offer, and having the confidence to deal with the inevitable challenges, in much better and healthier ways, just might be the best gift you can give to another yourself, and your loved ones.

Suggested links:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Addiction/Pages/addictionhome.aspx

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/what-is-addiction

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

#reddoor

#addiction

#recovery

#alcohol

#mentalhealthessentials

#mental health 

Following the COVID-19 impact on the world economy and, as such, the world of work, we expect a number of downsizing activities to increase. Are you ready to shore up your job, or plan for a new career, should the need arise.

As psychologists, the team at RED DOOR sat down to explore some of the trends and consider how we can better prepare ourselves, our clients and our children, to face the future of work with courage rather than fear?

 

The rise of the machine

Within the plethora of reports on the future of work, there is one resounding gloomy forecast – potential future unemployment. Oxford researchers, Frey and Osborne’s 2013 report, “The Future of Employment” explored the likelihood of different professions being taken over by computer algorithms within the next 20 years. They estimate that 47 percent of jobs in the US are at high risk.

Jobs as we know them, may soon to be a thing of the past. Automation of our job functions, potential loss of employment to machines, disenfranchisement and potential loneliness for those who cannot adapt, and difficulty to even secure an initial step into the world work for many young adults, are frequently predicted features detailed in reports of the future of work.

Bloomberg Businessweek rated the job automation risk for hundreds of jobs – another interesting analysis (link at end of this blog) . Many jobs, especially those which do not require university education, are at risk. Even jobs requiring a degree are at risk. For example, whilst Human resources managers may have a less than 1% chance of having their jobs automated, but human resources assistants, the step below manager, are rated as having have a 90% possibility of their job being automated by machine. Many occupations seemingly face significant chance of change – Financial advisors 73%; Marketing specialists 61%, Lab technicians 94%, insurance underwriters 99, and accountant/auditors 94%.  Some professions face smaller risks and these industries may be the preferred industries for tomorrow’s students – some low risk jobs include special education teachers 1.6%; physician surgeon >1%; engineers 1.4%; and CEOs 1.5%. One-job-for-life already is a trend of the past, but soon one-career-for-life may soon be as well.

 

Human resistance

Psychological research helps us to understand that preparing appropriately for stressful events minimises the negative impact of that stress.   Being mentally prepared is half the battle to beating fear over the future of your work.  It simply boils down to the memorable words of Franklin Roosevelt, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”. Once we break down the future of work into potential helpful activities and thought patterns, employees and parents can better prepare the changes ahead.

 

8 ways to build future success – recession proofing your career path 

1)    Become a portfolio poster child

The concept of a job for life is already in declining, now even one-career-for-life is no guarantee. How are people suppose to come to terms with this new era of uncertainty?

One solution exists in the practice of reframing (turning negative commentary into positive thoughts). For example, in the future most employees may become portfolio style workers, working project by project, in much the same way a freelancer may work today. The difference from today is that this will be the norm rather than the exception.  Change of attitudes can take time, so some of the negative attitudes that society may hold toward work which is project based, discontinuous career paths, periods of unemployment, may take time to change. You are poster child this process of change.  Be brave, don’t be dictated to by out-dated attitudes.

Reframing circumstances will help so that you remain at the psychological helm of your career. Instead of viewing yourself as cast adrift, imagine yourself as the captain of your new enterprise, of the company called YOU. As such every project adds some new skill or learning to your growing corporation. Your new goal establishes YOU into a constantly growing, preferred partner for any project that comes to the market, which is now global rather than local.

Also remember that employers will also be affected by this uncertainty. Employees will have flexibility to “vote with their feet”, and then hit with a big stick if they are unhappy. Every disenchanted employee has a voice as loud as their personal network (virtual and otherwise), and the growth of rating websites such as glassdoor.com which detail employee’s negative (and positive) experiences, will be a growing concern for employers. Soon ratings of employers will be as common as ratings of employees.

 

2)    Be a brand ambassador for YOU

In a heavily interconnected world, one person can drive significant dialogue, a relatively new phenomenon. In business, we often silence our public personas least we attract negative attention to our employers. As workers become their own brand, their individual voices, capabilities, online personality become important brand elements. We already see avenues such as LinkedIn becoming popular job candidate search engines, and this is set to continue.

In addition to the image that you build online which employers can find, you need to maintain a positive mental framework about yourself and your ability. Building positive self-perceptions is an essential component of resiliency under uncertainty. You may consider reading the work of optimism and happiness researcher Martin Seligman, or thought reframing expert Albert Ellis. These psychologists teach how to change the thinking processes behind your current circumstances and use techniques to help move people out of their self-defeating, self- limiting or pessimistic thought patterns. If you want more help, seek a counsellor, as much of our work addresses this phenomenon.

 

3)    Net-your-work

It won’t be what you know but who you know that will be important in the future of work. As individual brands, portfolio workers, our networks, virtual and otherwise will be extremely important. It’s time to brush on the key elements of social skills, your best elevator pitch, friends you can lean on, and connections you can learn from. This is not a time to be shy and reticent. Remember you may never meet your employer or co-workers in real life.  The future of work contains risks of loneliness as we become separated from face to face interaction, building your self-esteem and confidence will be extremely helpful, to continue to build positive connections.

 

4)    Mobilize for mobility

Work environments have become completely virtual. You you may never meet your co-workers on Zoom. Workers will be truly independent of work places. This trend will affect you greatly if you have traditionally made your closest friends within work environments, or you need a lot of hand holding to get achieve project goals. If you tend to make most of your friends at work, start thinking now where you will build future friendships. If you have needed a lot of support and reinforcement there has never been an easier time to find a mentor, virtual or otherwise, get onto LinkedIn and start shopping. It may not be your work boss, as it may have been in the past.

Additionally, platforms for selling work are expanding – see upwork.com; indeed.com; and of course, LinkedIn, now you are part of a global workforce. The world of work is actually becoming bigger.

 

5)    I before A, rather than A before I.

Much of the reports on the future of work that have been published have highlighted the use of AI (Artificial Intelligence) to replace the work of humans. Much of the hope vested into AI focuses on the eradication of disease and poverty and the conquest of climate change. However even whilst AI is still in its infancy, it not hard to see which direction the wind is blowing in terms of changes to human employment.  Computers will play an increasingly important role in our professional lives, particularly in areas where large amount of data is analysed in order to decide on actions such as medicine, accountancy, marketing, and financial products.

Thomas Friedman, suggests that we need to think of the aspects of Intelligent Assistance (IA) that will be part of our job experience. Embracing this technology is an essential component of securing your job future. Surrender nostalgic perceptions of the “good old days”. Look into your industry and how technology is advancing and enabling, and learn to harness the tech that is being developed to play a role. Taking charge of this change helps protect you from being replaced by technology altogether.

 

6)    Consider your resilience and motivation.

Friedman suggest that the motivational divide will be a stronger predictor of success in the evolving world of work, rather than the digital divide. The digital divide will decrease as we embrace technology and also it becomes simplified by ‘drag-and-drop’ software. The really important component is motivation, and I believe even more, resilience.

Psychological research into human motivation implies that the highly motivated and lowly motivated  are not driven by the same forces. When we construct measures to address low motivation in the workforce, the result is a workforce which is neutral, not highly motivated. Highly motivated people are driven by internal factors such as desire to accomplish goals, and a drive to achieve more. Hygiene factors such as finances or health care are not enough to drive the highly motivated. What gets you out of bed to get to work now? If you are driven only by your pay check you may look to guides on self-motivation to prepare yourself. If you don’t know where to start a counsellor or a coach may help.

Resilience is an aligned skill to motivation –  you are resilient you are better able to face the stressful slings and arrows that one encounters in a lifetime.  In order to assess your current level of resiliency take our checkup test in the attached blog. https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/the-resiliency-rx-check-in-to-check-up/ . Both resilience and motivation can be taught, to children and adults. Don’t give up.

 

7)    Commit to becoming a Life-Long-Learner

The question we frequently ask children, “what will you be when you grow up?”, will soon become redundant. Friedman in his latest book, “Thank you for being Late”, suggests that one cannot be a lifelong employee if you do not commit to be lifelong learner. As lifelong learners, we will constantly be reshaping our capabilities and knowledge. We won’t achieve the aforementioned “grow up”, stage. Rather the new question will be, “what career do you plan to tackle first?”

Training and upskilling will be continuous and our careers will change with this. Think about what could help you adapt to the future of work – learning a new language, technology, communication style. Courses are available on key sites such udacity.com and various open university sites, and even specific universities for older individuals such as the University for the third stage: http://www.u3a.org.uk.

 

8)    Personal performance metrics

The future of work is less about you performing KPIs (Key performance metrics) and more about you achieving your personal performance metrics. Having a well-rounded view of success in work, and life, will be essential in the future.

If financial recompense is your only current measure of success, you may wish to take a moment to think about what really matters and makes you happy.  We need to judge a job, and ourselves, by broader metrics including success at projects, the activities we do in our free time, our sense of purpose, how we contribute to family and society, what makes us happy, what we are passionate about. Work is one element of what you do and you can no longer summed up in a business card.

 

Ready, get set, go.

The race toward the future of work is already in progress, you can be prepared, so start to tackle this to do list. Fear of the future of work can be overcome. In the immortal words of Mark Twain, “Courage is the resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear”.

 

angelaw@reddoor.hk; http://www.reddoor.hk

#futureofwork

#motivation

#workfromhome

#resilience

#redundancy

#counsellinginhongkong

#reddoorcounselling

#careergoals

#occupationalstress

#stress

 

 

Other great articles about career change

Face career change with courage. You can do it

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/facing-career-change-with-courage/

 

Future success is not an accident. Prepare yourself for the Future of Work

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2017/08/09/defeating-fo-fow/

 

How to respond to career crisis

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2018/07/11/start-me-up-responding-to-career-crisis/

 

Work stress – manage stress for Lawyers.

 

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/11/27/work-hard-stress-harder-understanding-the-experience-of-stress-among-senior-lawyers-in-hong-kong/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Further reading

Bloomberg Businessweek article on job automation.

https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/2017-jobs-automation-risk/

Frey and Osborne’s survey on the future of employment

http://www.oxfordmartin.ox.ac.uk/downloads/academic/The_Future_of_Employment.pdf

McKinsey report on technology and jobs

http://www.mckinsey.com/global-themes/employment-and-growth/technology-jobs-and-the-future-of-work

PWC report on workforce shifts forecasted.

http://www.pwc.com/gx/en/services/people-organisation/publications/workforce-of-the-future.html

 

 

 

 

 

The Making of a Focused Mind: The Benefits of Mindfulness.

When our mind is full and busy, a feeling of calmness seems impossible to achieve.

A peaceful calm mind is more able to creatively tackle the challenges that life presents in our life path.

People have been practicing mindfulness for thousands of years.  Unfortunately, there have been relatively few formal academic studies conducted on mindfulness practiced by teens and children when compared with adults. The handful of studies into the benefits of mindfulness suggest generally positive effects including decreasing anxiety and increasing cognitive performance.  Four reasons to consider mindfulness training for children and teens include Firstly a greater self-awareness and the ability to self-regulation, the development of compassion  and stress management skills and  finally a needed break from screen time and an introduction to a new perceptive . Of course, the development of healthy practices in youth helps prepare individuals for the stress and strains of young adulthood.

Self-awareness and Self-regulation – leading to stronger ability to take charge

Mindfulness helps to develop greater personal awareness. Its practice teaches youth to be more aware of their thought processes and reactions in the present moment. So instead of racing ahead in a negative thought cycle a child is more likely to be able to think in a more removed manner, noticing patterns in their reactions and being able to view situations in terms of their typical reactions and the potential costs and benefits of those reactions in the past. This ‘mindful overview” promotes understanding of being in charge of one own emotions and behaviours. This also encourages children to have a stronger sense of their own responsibility and ability to take charge of situations – including their studies and friendships.

Compassion and the attraction of personal ethics 

The practice of regular mindfulness/meditation can promote compassion. Having the ability to be compassionate with oneself is just as important as being compassionate towards friends and family. Having compassion and empathy is associated with stronger resiliency and emotional intelligence which are now considered very important skills in the job market.  In developing compassion for others and self, children are asked to reflect on their own values and identity. Reflecting on research conducted by the University of Michigan, Dr Michele Borba indicates that having a strong sense of personal ethics is considered an advantage to demonstrate in key university applications and interviews.

Understanding anxiety and stress

During mindfulness practice students are taught to tune in and listen to their bodies, how it feels, where they feel tension, and how to release tension in specific areas. This skill is extremely helpful when understanding how each individual process and holds stress within their bodies. Being mindful of the presence of anxiety and stress in the body is associated with stronger stress management skills during latter years.

The end of a love affair: Breaking children’s devotion to screen time and social identities.

Technology has had a huge impact on the day to day lives of our youth.  Computers, Mobile Phones, iPads, online TV providing 24/7 entertainment, and are altering children’s experiences during their formative years. Today’s youth have access to instant information (and misinformation) which is something particular to this generation.

While ‘screens’ have many benefits they also place new demands on youth that can have negative effects. The developing brains of youth are potentially negatively affected by some issues raised by a frequently or constantly online lifestyle.The practice of mindfulness can help to mediate some of the negative impact.For example, the impact of social media on youth culture and perceptions of self. Mindfulness asks children and teens to experience their reactions to postings and requests and be able to be more reflective of the communication taking place and its worth to them. Whilst screen time increases, face to face interaction, and the ability to manage real world emotions and empathise with others can be reduced. The practice of mindfulness promotes personal understanding and knowledge, and an greater empathy towards others rather than artificial connection.

Additionally, whilst learning mindfulness practice students are challenged to fully experience each moment of their lives, through all of their senses, and to question those instances where they are performing activities which are simply distractions from experiencing life ( for example surfing the net, likes, games etc, which are essentially bubble-gum for the mind). Mindfulness encourages participants to look within and observe what sensations they might prefer to have instead of those experienced (or avoided) during screen time. Awareness of activities and how these activities contribute to our enjoyment of life, is helpful in making a decisive shift to activities with greater life experience impact.

#reddoor

#teenmentalhealth

#mindfulness

#screentime

#anxiety

How can you build stronger mental health during your vacation.

The RED DOOR team have the following 5 suggestions to help you walk on sunshine during your vacation :

Reduce, reuse, rejoice: Often we simplify our lives when we travel, less things, we reuse and wear items again and again. This time is valuable to consider what is important and how we can create a life involving suffocation by stuff-o-cation. Enjoy having less, and ask yourself, does having things (as many as you have at home) really give you satisfaction, or are you satisfied with less than you expect. It’s a wonderful situation to reflect on. Sometimes in simplifying our stuff, we also find simplicity.

Do more of what makes you happy: Spend time thinking about the things that really make you happy in life. When was the last time you felt happy? Does it involve time with friends, accomplishing a project, sitting and reading a good book, conquering a mountain (or at least a sand dune). Now that you are out of the hustle and bustle of the city, and the associated frenetic desire to be constantly busy, take a moment to list the 5 things that have made you happy, and think about how you are going to increase those instances in your life when you return. Make a plan. Write it down on a postcard, and send it to yourself as a reminder when you get home.

Play, and all its benefits, await: There is something to be learnt from the animal kingdom. Even animals who live in demanding environments, where they compete for food and the opportunity to mate, still find time to play. As children, we inherently understand the need for play, in all its purposelessness. Neurological research indicates that play (in children) is associated with better sleep and brain development. As adults, we have may have rationalised away the need to play, potentially to our detriment. According to research, even for adults, play can boost creativity, improve relationships with people, foster trust, is associated with better mood, and serves as a relief against stress. Break out a colouring book, go outside and run around with your pet, or kid (or both), break out the clay, or set up some board games. See if you can build up yourself, and some positive memories as well.

Say sorry for the things you said in Winter: when the sun is shining and you are relaxed, take a moment to think about things you may regret to have done when you were stressed or feeling under the weather. Can you consider sending an apology to someone you have treated unfairly. Can you even consider forgiving someone who maybe even doesn’t deserve it, simply to move the weight of this situation from your psyche? Sometimes it seems impossible to apologize, or forgive, but ask yourself if holding on to this hurt is holding you up? If you can’t forgive the object of your hurt, then at least spend some time forgiving yourself for wanting a situation to be different that it was, or is. Then, let the sun rise on a new day when you potentially feel “over it”.

Have the greatest summer romance of all. Fall in love with yourself again. Write 5 affirmations a day about things you did WELL during the day, or positive feelings you had. Start a journal entry with “when I love myself, I will …”. Forgive yourself for being human if you made mistakes. Every day is a chance to start a new.

For those of you dashing out of town, have a great vacation, be renewed, get replenished. Enjoy.

If you have feedback on this blog, or would like to learn more about establishing happiness habits, overcoming hurts and learning to care for yourself, please email Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk