Have you ever experienced the allure of the “busy” temptation? Just as the siren’s call can be hard to resist, the idea of being “busy” can be equally enticing – whether to express significance, escape undesirable tasks, or maintain an image of productivity. This trap of busyness then ensnares people, leaving them in a cycle of constantly needing to appear and declare themselves as “busy.”

In today’s fast-paced society, being constantly occupied is often seen as a badge of honor that people wear proudly, using their busyness to boast about hectic lifestyles. However, some may also utilize the “busy” persona as a form of escapism. It appears some of us cannot get enough of the “busy” character. Does this sentiment resonate with you? If so, you are not alone. The tendency to use “busy” to show off or as a means of avoidance is quite common, more so than many realize.

Employees who were uneasy about their work performance were more prone to exaggerate their busyness and workload to influence how others perceive them (Whillans & Dunn, 2018). But here’s the thing: this desire to appear busy can spin out of control, leading to a vicious loop of constantly feeling rushed. There seems to be a prevailing notion that the busier a person is, the more accomplished they are in life, and people often use the “busy” label casually, even if they are not genuinely occupied. This casual usage can color others’ perceptions of that person’s life, making it appear more vibrant or hectic.

According to Ma (2022), individuals may use busyness as a way to avoid addressing more profound emotional or psychological needs. This constant state of activity can serve as a distraction, helping people feel better about themselves or providing a sense of worthiness and value. In the case of chronic busyness, it’s essential to slow down and reflect on what might be driving this compulsive behavior.

Signs of Busyness Addiction

Nowadays, it’s all too easy to become consumed by an endless stream of obligations and commitments. We find ourselves caught in a whirlpool of busyness, frantically juggling work, deadlines, family responsibilities, and a never-ending to-do list. This “hustle life” that we are chasing can lead us down a path of overcommitment, where the fear of letting others down or not meeting expectations drives us to go beyond our means.

Ask yourself, do you have an inability to say “no”? Does your calendar fill up faster than you can cope with? An addiction to busyness often manifests as a compulsive need to say “yes” to everything, leaving no time for rest and recovery. The incessant need to fill our schedules, respond to every email, and juggle multiple tasks has become a cultural norm (Matejko, 2022).

If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to examine busyness’s role in your life. Are you may be using it as a shield against vulnerability? A way to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or stressful situations? Research has shown that people often use excessive busyness as a way to avoid and repress their negative feelings, which can eventually manifest as anger, irritation, and other detrimental thought patterns (Schrader, 2014).

We even wear our overflowing schedules and never-ending to-do lists like a form of armor, convincing ourselves that the more we pack into our days, the more productive and valuable we must be. However, this relentless pursuit of productivity and activity can have serious consequences, including exhaustion, anxiety, burnout, and strained relationships.

Your busyness might manifest in scenarios like:

• Your co-worker asks you to cover their shift, even though it’s your scheduled time off. You feel compelled to say yes, even though it means sacrificing your personal plans.
• A classmate misses a group project meeting, so you stay late to pick up the slack and ensure the assignment is completed on time.
• Your friends request a last-minute gathering, and despite your already packed schedule, you squeeze in a hurry to avoid disappointing them.

Prioritizing others’ needs over our own well-being can be a hallmark of being stuck in “hustle mode.” Saying “yes” to every request leaves us overwhelmed and stressed, unable to regain control. Very often, the fear of letting people down becomes so ingrained that it feels nearly impossible to break free.

Finding Balance

Saying “no” is not a curse that will bring calamity but rather a powerful tool that can enable you to understand and escape the clutches of relentless busyness. By incorporating some simple yet transformative techniques, you can break free from the cycle of relentless busyness and rediscover the joys that a more balanced life can offer.

Here are some strategies that counsellors recommend:

Practicing mindfulness

The constant demands of work can drive a toxic cycle of trying to prove worth through relentless productivity. Practicing mindfulness activities like breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation can help cultivate present-moment awareness. These practices help break free from the hamster wheel of to-dos and live in the present moment rather than getting caught up in judgment.

Prioritizing self-care

In our productivity-obsessed culture, it’s easy to neglect self-care. Yet dedicating “me time” is essential for well-being. Self-care doesn’t have to be grand – it can be simple, enjoyable activities like getting your nails done, taking a bath, or reading. The key is to relax and do something nurturing for yourself. This allows us to step back, reflect, and process experiences while healing from mental/physical exhaustion and giving our brains a much-needed break.

Cultivate self-awareness

Having self-awareness is highly valuable than you might think. One practical way to enhance self-awareness is by incorporating a habit tracker into your daily routine. Habit trackers can be valuable, allowing you to monitor your progress and gain insights into your daily habits. Taking time to reflect and re-evaluate your days or weeks can help you recognize when you need to take a break and hit the “pause” button.

Setting boundaries

It’s easy to get caught up in the relentless pursuit of impressing others, constantly pushing ourselves harder until burnout sets in. The next time you feel that pull to overcommit, pause, assess your priorities, and have the courage to set boundaries. Your mind and body will thank you.

Some highly recommended books on setting effective boundaries include Healthy Boundaries – Chase Hill & ‘Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life’ – Dr. Henry Cloud. These books offer practical guidance on identifying, communicating, and maintaining healthy personal boundaries across different areas of life.

Journaling

Keeping a diary is a disciplined way to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, gaining deeper insights into your emotions, behaviors, and cognitive patterns. This self-awareness can help you understand your motives, triggers, and growth potential.

When counselling might help.

There’s no such thing as a perfect moment to seek counselling, but taking that first step towards reclaiming your sense of control and peace of mind can make a difference. Stress is an unavoidable part of life – it’s our adverse reaction to the excessive pressures and demands we face daily. Whether it’s work, relationships, or personal challenges, feeling constantly overwhelmed can seriously affect our mental and physical well-being.

Seeking counselling can be a means of expanding your perspective and understanding yourself better. Engaging in counselling can help you gain new insights and make positive changes in your life. Through open and judgment-free dialogue, you can gain the self-awareness and tools needed to manage stress healthier and more sustainably.

In a world that values constant activity and productivity, it’s crucial to recognize the dangers of addiction to busyness. By understanding the psychological and neurological factors behind this phenomenon, we can take steps to find a healthier balance and truly thrive. While the allure of busyness may be strong, the rewards of a more balanced life are well worth the effort. Thus, the question remains: what does “being busy” mean from your perspective?

About the author

This blog post was written by Chanuja Gurung , a summer intern at Red Door. Her areas of interest include the topic of busyness and the counselling processes that can help cultivate self-awareness in individuals. She is a thoughtful and curious person who enjoys working with others. Due to her desire to broaden her horizons, she continually seeks new avenues to expand her knowledge and deepen her understanding of the intricate challenges faced by people due to their own unique forms of busyness. Thus, through her blog, she aims to reach out and connect with others, with the ultimate goal of helping to improve their lives.

References

Ma, L. (2022). The internal chaos of chronically busy people. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/psychoanalysis-unplugged/202207/the-internal-chaos-chronically-busy-people 

Matejko, S. (2022) Are you keeping busy to avoid your feelings?, Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-you-keeping-busy-to-avoid-your-feelings

Schrader, M. (2014). The hidden addiction: How busyness can become a coping mechanism. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-thriving/201411/the-hidden-addiction

Stress | How counselling can help. https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-therapy-can-help-with/stress/

Whillans, A. V., & Dunn, E. W. (2018). Valuing time over money is associated with greater social connection. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(8), 2549–2565. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407518791322

To the great dismay of students and parents alike, exam season comes for us all, and with it comes exam stress. But what is exam stress? How can we recognise when it’s unmanageable? What can we do when it is unmanageable?

Exam stress in itself is not abnormal; exams can be scary! Emotionally, it can be difficult to deal with feelings of stress, anger, and hopelessness. Furthermore, it can become more troublesome when it manifests physically as headaches, changes in eating habits, difficulty sleeping, difficulty focusing, etc. So, how can you, as a student, get ahead of the curve or cope with the symptoms as they come?

In terms of getting ahead of the curve, figuring out how you best study and how to study efficiently can be invaluable. There are several kinds of study habits you could try, such as the pomodoro technique ¹, eating the frog ², and more, paired with different study techniques such as blurting ³, flashcards, mind maps, Feyman technique, and other ways ⁴ you may find most comfortable studying.

To cram or not to cram? For some, cramming can be helpful. Active procrastination can allow you to procrastinate so that you use motivation under time pressure to complete tasks or deadlines efficiently. However, cramming can also be harmful. Cramming late into the night, taking away your sleep, and overloading your brain the night before an exam can end up making you feel worse going in and could negatively impact your performance relative to if you spaced out your learning. On occasion, such as the night before a test, cramming is understandable and fine, but cramming during an exam season is unsustainable and unwise. If you do find you work better or complete tasks more efficiently under a time constraint, see if you can set yourself deadlines for the end of the day or week throughout the studying process if that’s what works best for you.

When it comes to actually coping with stress, there are different ways of doing so, such as problem-focused and emotion-focused coping. Problem-focused coping involves investing effort in studying or, if you’re really struggling, speaking with a teacher to see how they could help or how you could improve. Emotion-focused coping involves reducing stress by attempting methods of relaxation. Both coping skills can be helpful, as problem-focused can allow you to get a better handle on what you may need to do more effectively, while emotion-focused can allow you to soothe yourself so you can be more comfortable throughout exam season.

So, what are ways to cope with examination stress?

1. Mindfulness strategies such as meditation or breathing exercises
2. Getting proper sleep can positively impact both your grades and your health in general. About 8-10 hours is recommended.
3. Getting exercise can not only provide a break but can also work for stress relief. Said exercise doesn’t necessarily have to be intensive either, going for a 10 minute walk can be beneficial.
4. Make sure to take breaks. As previously mentioned, spacing out your studying can be good for your learning but it can serve as an energy boost or allow you to step away from the focus-oriented environment of wherever you’re studying to a more comfortable one.

 Other than getting enough sleep, you don’t have to pressure yourself to fulfill every possible coping mechanism. What’s important is dealing with the stress in a way that is not only healthy but also works for you. If distancing yourself from your study environment for a bit every day to watch a show or read helps you, then go for it.

Coping doesn’t have to be an isolated process, it can involve reaching out to teachers, parents, or your friends. How can you do this?

1. Asking teachers what areas you specifically need to improve on. This can help you structure your studying so that you’re prioritizing correctly while still keeping foundational knowledge you may already have.
2. Studying with friends can help you connect with others while helping you be motivated to study within the group. However, communication is also needed to establish how long you’ll all be studying for, how focused you need to be, etc.
3. Keeping an open line of communication with your parents on how they can help you cope. At the end of the day, your parents want to help you and make sure you’re getting stuff done. So, you could tell them how to help you, for example, giving them your phone so you’re less distracted can indicate to them that you’re spending your time wisely. You could also tell them what will stress you out more, such as asking about how long you’ve studied, this way they can adjust the questions they ask and what to push instead of that.

            Overall, like exams, coping with stress  can be difficult, especially when figuring out how to get started. Establishing effective and efficient study habits early on can be really helpful in terms of knowing that, despite the stress, you know what works best for you and that you’re doing what you can. Coping with the overall emotions of anxiety can be difficult, but you’re allowed to struggle and be unsure. Be kind to yourself in this stressful time. Parents can be of great help through communication, let them know when you’re struggling and if or how they can help.          

Finally, remember that exams are not inherent tests of your worth or intelligence. You got this, good luck!

Resources

Health Information Tips for DSE Students:

https://www.studenthealth.gov.hk/english/emotional_health_tips/eht_esm/txt_health_information_and_tips_for_dse_students.html

Coping with Exam Stress – Harrow

Exam Stress: Understanding its Impact and Ways to Cope with It

About the Author

This blog is written by Micaiah Boerner, a 2024 summer intern at Red Door.

1. https://www.asundergrad.pitt.edu/study-lab/study-skills-tools-resources/pomodoro-technique
2. https://asana.com/resources/eat-the-frog
3. https://www.bcu.ac.uk/exams-and-revision/best-ways-to-revise/the-blurting-method#:~:text=Blurting%20involves%20writing%20down%20all,ve%20missed%20or%20got%20wrong.
4. https://www.usa.edu/blog/study-techniques/

References

Asana. (n.d.). Why you should eat the frog first [2024] • asana. Asana. Retrieved July 17, 2024, from https://asana.com/resources/eat-the-frog

Buchwald, P., & Schwarzer, C. (2003). The exam-specific strategic approach to coping scale and interpersonal resources. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 16(3), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1080/1061580031000095434

harrowdev. (2023, December 7). Exam stress: Understanding its impact and ways to cope with it. Harrow International School Hong Kong. https://www.harrowschool.hk/exam-stress-understanding-its-impact-and-ways-to-cope-with-it/

How to reduce test anxiety. (n.d.). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved July 12, 2024, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/generalized-anxiety-disorder/expert-answers/test-anxiety/faq-20058195

How to revise with the blurting method. (n.d.). Birmingham City University. Retrieved July 17, 2024, from https://www.bcu.ac.uk/exams-and-revision/best-ways-to-revise/the-blurting-method

Kornell, N. (2009). Optimising learning using flashcards: Spacing is more effective than cramming. Applied Cognitive Psychology, 23(9), 1297–1317. https://doi.org/10.1002/acp.1537

Mozafaripour, S. (2024, June 6). 10 effective study tips and techniques to try this year | usahs. University of St. Augustine for Health Sciences. https://www.usa.edu/blog/study-techniques/

Pomodoro technique | dietrich arts & sciences undergraduate studies. (n.d.). Retrieved July 17, 2024, from https://www.asundergrad.pitt.edu/study-lab/study-skills-tools-resources/pomodoro-technique

Spangler, G., Pekrun, R., Kramer, K., & Hofmann, H. (2002). Students’ emotions, physiological reactions, and coping in academic exams. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 15(4), 413–432. https://doi.org/10.1080/1061580021000056555

Stress. (n.d.). Retrieved July 12, 2024, from https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/stress

Tesorero, A. (2023, March 17). A good night’s sleep can help students get better grades, say UAE doctors. TCA Regional News Retrieved July 12, 2024, from https://www.proquest.com/wire-feeds/good-nights-sleep-can-help-students-get-better/docview/2787623647/se-2

        The science of cramming: Does it work? (2022, May 11). USD Student Media.

The science of cramming: does it work?

Why you shouldn’t cram before exams (And how to study properly instead). (n.d.). Retrieved July 12, 2024, from https://au.reachout.com/study-work-and-money/exam-stress/why-you-shouldnt-cram-before-exams

Zeidner, M. (1995). Coping with examination stress: Resources, strategies, outcomes. Anxiety, Stress & Coping, 8(4), 279–298. https://doi.org/10.1080/10615809508249379

Prisoner to Perfectionism

Are you a perfectionist prisoner in the dating game? Could your quest for perfection be standing in the way of your relationship fulfillment? You are not alone. It turns out that our relentless pursuit of dating perfection could be sabotaging our chances of finding lasting love. Several academic studies have indicated that there is a connection between perfectionism and relationship dissatisfaction (Ashby & Lennox, 2010; Stoeber & Stoeber, 2009; Haring et al., 2003).

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is often defined as having the tendency to be demanding of oneself or others, leading to excessive expectations or self-criticism. Perfectionism can lead to unrealistic standards, fear of intimacy, and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Understanding the role of perfectionism in dating is crucial for building fulfilling and satisfying connections. Being in good mental health can be beneficial for both your partner and your romantic relationship. 

So, what’s the deal with perfectionism and dating? And how can we ditch these self-imposed shackles to find more fulfilling connections? Let’s dive in:

The Perfectionist’s Playbook: Recognizing sneaky dating habits

First, let’s have a quick peek at some common perfectionist dating tendencies. Do any of these sound all too familiar to you?    

As perfectionists, we may often carry an invisible burden into our romantic relationships. This manifests in various ways such as having unrealistic standards. Sometimes we meticulously curate the ideal partner, convinced they must align with our rigid checklists. But reality rarely matches our fantasies, leaving us perpetually dissatisfied. The fear of failure can also weigh heavily on us. The mere thought of falling short or being rejected paralyzes us. We may withdraw, overthink every move, or demand constant reassurance – all in the name of self-protection.

Furthermore, our inner critic is often ruthless, and we may become highly self-critical. We may even project this critical mindset onto our partners, engaging in constant analysis and judgment. For example, a perfectionist partner may endlessly nitpick their significant other’s behavior, criticizing their communication style, their house-keeping habits, or the way they are dressed. Some perfectionists may also exhibit a strong rigidity in their thoughts and values, leading them to try and control their partners. The need to micromanage every aspect of the relationship robs both individuals of autonomy, and this constant overthinking and controlling may erode the trust and intimacy in the relationship while depriving both partners of freedom essential for a healthy partnership. This control-based approach stifles growth and breeds resentment.

The trap of dating perfectionism

So now that we recognize ourselves and the signs of dating with perfectionism. But how exactly does this mindset mess with our love lives and mental health?

Perfectionists tend to seek relentless control and may try to have everything perfectly aligned in their dating life. This preoccupation with order and control may stem from a deep-seated fear of uncertainty, vulnerability, and the unknown. We think that if we can plan every little detail, we can avoid potential disappointment or failure.

But here’s the thing – relationships can be inherently messy and unpredictable and require a delicate balance of compromise or giving in. When we try to orchestrate every step, we end up suffocating a relationship’s natural flow and evolution.

The perfectionist’s relentless pursuit of control can lead to a number of issues in dating:

1. Unrealistic expectations: We may set the bar for our partners and relationships too high that it becomes virtually impossible to meet the standards. This can lead to constant disappointment and a never-ending cycle of dissatisfaction.

2. Fear of intimacy: We may avoid deep emotional connections out of a fear of vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt. We may prioritize maintaining an image of perfection over allowing ourselves to be fully seen and known.

3. Difficulty navigating conflict: When conflicts or challenges arise in a relationship, we may struggle to approach them with flexibility and problem-solving skills. Instead, we sometimes may get defensive, point fingers, and refuse to compromise. We may also engage in unproductive ‘point scoring’ rather than focusing on finding a mutually agreeable solution.

4. Micromanaging behaviors: We may try to control every tiny little detail of a relationship, from scheduling dates to dictating how our partner should behave. This can suffocate the relationship and leave little room for spontaneity and mutual growth. Relationships need space to breathe.

5. Burnout and resentment: The constant striving for perfection can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, leaving us feeling drained, disillusioned, and ready to throw in the dating towel for good.

Overcoming Perfectionist Tendencies 

The good news is that there are ways to break free from any of your perfectionist tendencies and build more fulfilling connections.

In counselling, we can have the space to unpack the thoughts and behaviors fuelling your need for flawlessness. Counselling can be a powerful and game-changing tool, empowering you to approach your relationships more flexibly and adaptability. We may often dive deeper behind the unending quest for perfectionism. Through this process, you can cultivate genuine self-acceptance and bring more compassion to the table. A study by Rice and colleagues (2014) found that people who are super critical perfectionists towards themselves tend to be less satisfied in their relationships and have more conflict. Through acknowledging and addressing those perfectionist tendencies, you can start developing a healthier, more balanced approach to dating and relationships.

Some key strategies we may explore in the counselling process include:

1. Challenging your unrealistic expectations: We work together to identify and reframe any sky-high standards you have for yourself and potential partners, embracing more realistic, adaptable goals.

2. Embracing vulnerability: We practice letting go of the need for control and allowing ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable with a partner. This may involve slowly opening up about your fears, insecurities, and desires for the relationship. It can be challenging, and the counselling setting is specifically constructed to support this journey.

3. Developing conflict resolution skills: This technique can allow us to learn healthy communication and conflict resolution techniques that prioritize mutual understanding, compromise, and problem-solving over rigid adherence to our perspective.

4. Practicing self-compassion: By cultivating self-acceptance and compassion, recognizing that perfection is an unattainable and often harmful goal. And celebrating your growth and progress – even if it’s not “perfect.”

5. Experimenting with imperfection: Deliberately engaging in activities or situations where you cannot control the outcome helps you build tolerance for discomfort and resilience. Again, this can take time, but in the long run, it is very valuable.

Beyond the counselling environment, there are other self-help resources and strategies that can help you navigate the challenges of perfectionism in dating beyond the counselling journey:

1. Journaling: Regularly write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to dating and your perfectionist tendencies. This can help you gain clarity and self-awareness.

But remember, it only works if you revisit your journals and reflect on your writing.

2. Mindfulness practices: Engaging in mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or deep breathing, to cultivate a greater sense of presence and acceptance in the moment rather than being fixated on future outcomes.

3. Boundary setting: Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships with yourself and your partner’s relationship. This can involve saying no to unreasonable demands or requests that compromise your values and self-respect. For example, you might set a boundary around the amount of time you’re willing to spend on dating apps or the types of behaviour you’re willing to tolerate from a partner.

4. Seek supportive connections: Surround yourself with friends, family, or support groups who can provide a compassionate and non-judgmental space to explore your perfectionist tendencies and their impact on your dating life.

Remember, overcoming perfectionism in dating is a process, and being patient and kind to yourself. By cultivating self-respect and embracing imperfections, you can build a healthy dating mindset.

About the author:

This blog was written by DURA Hema, who is a summer intern at Red Door Counselling in 2024. She has recently completed her Master’s in Counselling. Her areas of interest include helping individuals make sense of their relationships with themselves and their partners, addressing perfectionism, and managing academic stress, especially among young individuals. With a background in psychology and counselling psychology, Hema is a compassionate and trustworthy individual. Her expertise and empathetic approach empower people to navigate the complexities of fostering greater self-awareness and fulfillment.

References:

Stoeber, J., & Otto, K. (2006). Positive conceptions of perfectionism: Approaches, evidence, challenges. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(4), 295-319.

– This review article discusses research showing that perfectionism is associated with lower relationship satisfaction. The authors explain that perfectionist tendencies can lead to setting unrealistic standards for partners, difficulty being vulnerable and intimate, and challenges in maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Macneil, C. A., & Hasty, M. K. (2005). Perfectionism and interpersonal problems. Behaviour Change, 22(2), 77-89.

– The researchers determined that perfectionistic tendencies, such as high personal standards and concern over mistakes , including excessive need for control, were linked to experiencing more interpersonal difficulties and relationship problems.

Shea, A. J., Slaney, R. B., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Perfectionism, impulsiveness, and adaptive/maladaptive tendencies in college students. The Psychology Record, 56(4), 559-574.

– This study demonstrated that maladaptive perfectionism, characterized by excessive self-criticism and concerns about mistakes, negatively impacted the quality and satisfaction of romantic relationships 

– Maladaptive perfectionism, including setting unrealistically high standards, was linked to lower relationship satisfaction.

Haring, M., Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (2003). Perfectionism, coping, and quality of intimate relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(1), 143-158.

– This study found that perfectionism, especially socially prescribed perfectionism, was linked to poorer conflict resolution and relationship quality.

Sherry, S. B., Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Harvey, M. (2003). Perfectionism dimensions, perfectionistic attitudes, dependent attitudes, and depression in psychiatric patients and university students. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 50(3), 373-386.

– This study showed that maladaptive perfectionism was linked to higher levels of burnout, resentment, and depressive symptoms.

Rice, K. G., & Mirzadeh, S. A. (2000). Perfectionism, attachment, and adjustment. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 47(2), 238-250.

– This study revealed that perfectionists tend to have insecure attachment styles, which can contribute to relationship difficulties, such as fear of intimacy and difficulty trusting their partners.

Group therapy is occasionally offered as an adjunct to, or even instead of, individual therapy. Its worth trying it out.

I’ve been counselling individuals going through divorce for the past 8 years. Even for those clients seeking individual counselling, I often recommend that they join our therapeutic support group – the Iron Fairies – so that they can also get the benefit of group therapy. Individual therapy helps the individual understand their own patterns, deal with their ex-partner, self-soothe, as well as plan their personalised pathway forward. Group therapy is different. Being surrounded by others going through the process at the same time has added benefits. Group therapy helps.

I have asked members of the Iron Fairies to add their voices to this blog to help others better understand the benefit of being in the group.

The end of Isolation, and shame.

One important aspect is the end of isolation when you are going through a challenge. No matter if you are willing to consider group therapy to support you whilst you are going through divorce, overcome OCD, start sobriety or stay sober, or overcome childhood trauma, you will feel less isolated about your experience. When you meet others have walked the same road as you, even if their paths may differ from yours, you will feel more comforted.

There is stigma and shame associated with overcoming challenges. In group those feelings of shame fade away.

A few of our Iron Fairies members commented on how they felt about joining group:

“The group made me feel less alone, at a time when I didn’t know if my friends were able to support me during the breakdown of my marriage. The sense of grief and shock was enormous and the group was the first step to confronting my feelings.” SA

“Being a part of this group, which I would actually call a family, has made me feel 100% supported”. RA

“When I was going through my separation and divorce, I felt ashamed and alone.  It felt as if no one else would understand the pain, the anger, the frustration.  Meeting a group of women who were going through their own traumas made me see that I was not alone, and that together we could find strength to get through it.” SM

Gain important insights

At group, you can learn more about yourself and the challenge you are facing. Many psychological stressors have common key components, or require regular considerations/interventions, and it is helpful to learn about the process from those who have been there.

For example, alcohol cessation programmes not only help people see that their excuses to continue drinking are common to many of the people struggling to overcome substance misuse, they help individuals get through the minutes, hours, and days that they struggle with feelings of addition.

At Iron Fairies, individuals learn a lot from their process of divorce from their Iron Fairy sisters – including how to overcome common co-parenting challenges, building better boundaries with their exes as well as working collaboratively with your legal support system.

Some of our Iron Fairies have views on gaining important information:

“Going through divorce in HK is tough.  Many women come to HK as trailing spouses and have been quietly forgotten in the background.  When they suddenly find themselves staring divorce in the face, the panic about how to survive financially, what they will do for income, where they will live, what will happen to their children… is like a bomb going off right in front of them” . SM

“I feel that the legal system for divorce in Hong Kong is quite hands-off and women are often left in the dark, at the mercy of their former spouses. I would not want any other woman to go through the roller coaster of emotions that I went through, so I continue to help and support other women who are going through a divorce.”  SA

Group therapy helps you feel better.

Psychological research supports that many mental health challenges can be well addressed. Dealing with the emotional rollercoaster experience of divorce, in the company of others can help group members better understand the work, and challenges, that they personally will need to undertake.

Our Iron Fairies definitely seem to feel better because of group:

“I continue to learn a lot from the women in the group about resilience, strength, trust and friendship.  I’m happy to be part of something positive and it gives me strength.” SM

“Motherhood and parenting are frequent topics of the group. Almost all members of the group are mothers and we share our parenting struggles as we parent with an ex-partner. I have struggled with co-parenting, criticism from my ex and misogyny at being a divorced mother. What surprised me the most about the group was that all the members in a single session had also experienced the same criticisms and were also unfairly scrutinised. This was probably the biggest surprise to me, even after being in the group for so long.”  SA

“Not only has this group shown me support but it has also provided me with a platform to help others in their healing journey. Helping others in this group made me realise I needed to start helping and supporting myself, this was therapy within itself.” RA

Group therapy is not just for you. You can help others.

Not only will you learn about yourself, but your experience could be of significant help to others. One of the beautiful surprises I had as the group therapist has been seeing women who were reluctant to stand up for themselves, encouraging others to be strong and brave. Eventually those cheerleaders-for-others gained sufficient confidence to stand up for themselves. This is one of the magic elements of group therapy.

Our Iron Fairies told us:

“Not only has this group shown me support but it has also provided me with a platform to help others in their healing journey. Helping others in this group made me realise I needed to start helping and supporting myself, this was therapy within itself.” RA

“One of the best parts is definitely the sense of empowerment and camaraderie I feel with the other Iron Fairies. We were all at different stages of our divorce, which allowed us to prepare ourselves for what to expect, and at the same time, support one another. We lifted each other up to become stronger, wiser, and more courageous in going through our respective processes.” BC

Group is open to invitations.

Unlike individual therapy, an effective group is something you can bring others, in the same situation,  along to join. Many of our Iron Fairies were introduced to the group by another Iron Fairy. The group is a sisterhood, of women experiencing different stages of divorce, but supporting each other.

We asked our Iron Fairies, if they had recommended group to a friend:

“The Iron Fairies group is ‘the’ divorce support group for anyone thinking about or going through a divorce. Many of us have remained in the group to help others as well, so it is definitely a very worthwhile support group to be a part of, and to feel proud of. Again, kudos to Angela, and of course every member of the Iron Fairies for their sharing and encouragement.” BC

“I have recommended this group to others because Angela is spot on with her insights and the collective support and knowledge of the group really can help ladies who are in this predicament.” BM

“Group” is its own form of magic.

As a qualified and experienced counsellor and psychologist, I believe that group therapy offers something that individual therapy cannot. It is great to feel supported, understood by others who experience similar pain and challenges, all whilst being gentle pushed to better yourself and your situation. The members of Iron Fairies describe the group as a sisterhood, and it certainly feels like a friendly, supportive family.

One Iron Fairy, SM, sums up that for her group therapy actually started to make change possible again:

“My previous experience with “therapy” had been less than positive – I had no trust in the previous process so was somewhat skeptical about what it would bring.  But I also realised that without trying therapy I had no other outlet to try to work through my problems.  When I joined the Iron Fairies, my biggest surprise was to see a few people who I knew personally sitting in the same room, with similar problems, and I had had no idea they were going through this.  This spoke volumes to me about how so many people go through this, put on a brave face, and are quietly dying inside.  I knew then that I wanted to heal myself, and help heal others.” SM

If individual therapy isn’t your thing, or you want to add another dimension to your therapeutic journey, consider joining a therapy group. I will be writing more about the types of therapy groups that are available in Hong Kong soon. In the meantime, if you have queries about the Iron Fairies, or want to gain information about other therapy groups that exist in Hong Kong, drop me a line at Angelaw@reddoor.hk. Be well, get in the group.

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About the author: Angela Watkins is a qualified counsellor and psychologist who has run the Iron Fairies -a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce in Hong Kong since 2017.

About the iron Fairies

Going through a relationship breakdown, separation or divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging times of your life.

Whether you are leaving a difficult marriage or have simply agreed to part ways, the impact on your mental and physical wellbeing can be overwhelming at times. It should not be underestimated or ignored.

We understand that it can be an extremely isolating time and you need to talk with people about the fragile circumstances in which you find yourself. Support groups provide a safe and confidential space for people to speak openly about their feelings, without any judgement. Attending these groups can help reduce the isolation and loneliness created by divorce.  

RED DOOR has been running the IRON FAIRIES – an English language therapeutic support group for women going through divorce for the past 7 years. The group is run in-person twice a month at our office in Central.  For more information contact Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk

Additionally, the Iron Fairies also has a WhatsApp group for people who have attended group in person.

When you come to Iron Fairies you are asked to bring HKD300 cash for the session. If you don’t come, you don’t pay.

Additionally, the Iron Fairies also has a WhatsApp group for people who have attended group in person. You cannot join the WhatsApp until you have meet Angela in person or come to one group in person.

The IRON FAIRIES is a therapeutic group for women going through divorce. The group meets in person fortnightly on Monday nights 6:30-8pm at the office of RED DOOR in Central. The meetings are held on Monday nights and run from 6:30pm to 8pm. The meetings are held within the offices of RED DOOR Counselling. The address is Unit 301, 3rd Floor, SunWise Building, 112-114 Wellington Street, Central.  Upcoming meeting dates:

12 August 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm

9 September 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm

23 September 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm

14 October 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm

28 October 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm  11 November 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm 25 November 2024 – 6:30 to 8pm 9 December 2024 – 6:30-8pm