Finding your PRIDE

We’re about to embark on Pride month – thirty days to celebrate and commemorate Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ+) people, to recognise the impact LGBTQ+ people have had on history and culture, and to acknowledge the past and ongoing adversity the community faces.

Ok, I get it, let’s celebrate!

But why is this important and what does it have to do with mental health?

Well, consider this – 83% of LBGTQ+ people still hide their sexual orientation.[1]

Yes, societal attitudes towards sexual minorities have improved in the last few decades, and yes, LGBTQ+ visibility and rights have made progress. However, studies show that LGBTQ+ individuals, and especially LGBTQ+ youth, still face disproportionate mental health burdens with significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidality. This isn’t because these individuals are inherently prone to poor mental health, but because LGBTQ+ people tend to have lower rates of self-acceptance and experience the effects of minority stress.

Minority stress is the chronic social stress that LGBTQ+ people are exposed to day-in-day-out, ranging from prejudice to negative stereotyping, hostility, harassment, rejection, limited rights from laws and policies, stigma, internalised homophobia – the list is long.

All these micro-aggressions mean something, they build and chip away at our self-esteem, our wellbeing, and positive development. This societal stigma, discrimination, and rejection from family and friends contributes to lower rates of self-acceptance amongst LGBTQ+ people, and in turn leads to higher rates of depression, anxiety, suicidality, and substance abuse in the community.

The Rainbow Reality

With these societal challenges, it’s not surprising that the vast majority of LGBTQ+ people are still hiding. However, living a hidden life and concealing one’s true identity is significantly associated with depression and negative psychological wellbeing.

So how do we reconcile with our identity and overcome the shame? How do we manage the stress of living in a society that often doesn’t accept or validate our identities, as well as the trauma of discrimination, bullying, harassment, and violence, plus the potential lack of support and acceptance from family and peers?

Where to Begin?

Changing societal norms is hard, although so many people are doing incredible work to improve equality. Putting this aside, we are able to create change within ourselves and we are in control of the way we understand and respond to our world.

The challenges that LGBTQ+ people face can lead to feelings of isolation, discrimination, rejection, shame, and low self-esteem. Exploring these thoughts and feelings about your identity can be difficult and uncomfortable. That’s where counselling can help, providing a safe space to do the hard work, with empathy and encouragement.

A counsellor can help you challenge your negative thoughts about your sexuality and instead engage in affirmation of your identity, visibility, and validation of your experiences. Evidence-based approaches such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can help shift problematic thought patterns, and teach coping skills or alternative ways to think, behave, and react to situations and experiences.

The Road to Self-Acceptance

Regardless of sexual identity, mental wellbeing improves when we feel respected, valued and psychologically safe. Self-acceptance is the act of acknowledging who you are, in all your fabulous and flawed glory. It is an essential part of living a fulfilling life.

Sadly, research shows lower rates of self-acceptance among LGBTQ+ people. Importantly, low self-esteem is unlikely to blame for this lower rate of self-acceptance among LGBTQ+ people. Instead, the adverse opinions, prejudice, and victimization that many LGBTQ+ people face is what poses significant obstacles to self-acceptance.

It’s challenging to avoid internalizing negative society attitudes and ideas when constantly exposed to negative messaging about queer identity. These internalized messages have the potential to lead to increasing self-criticism and negative self-perceptions over time. Our individual lack of self-acceptance is ultimately caused by this social lack of acceptance.

But where to start?

Learn about the LGBTQ+ community, its history, and the challenges still being faced. There is culture and connection waiting for you. Validate and celebrate your identity and the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community. You belong here.

  • Connect with others and build a support system

You are not alone. Find your own LGBTQ+ community, whether through in-person support groups or online. Surround yourself with people who accept you and support you, whether it’s friends, family, or allies. Join in Pride events and affirm your identity.

  • Practice self-care and compassion

Be kind to yourself – we are always harder on ourselves and more generous with others. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Eat well, sleep well, and engage in activities that bring you joy.

  • Challenge negative thoughts and your inner critic

When we hear things frequently, we start to believe them. Identify your inner critic – that little voice inside your head that tells you you’re not good enough – and tell it to shut up. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations. Try journaling to identify problem patterns, reflect, and express yourself authentically.

  • Identify your personal values and goals

Redefine yourself according to your own values. Embrace your authentic self and live your life in a way that feels true to you. Addressing self-blame and shame, affirming your own identity, and validating your experiences fosters self-acceptance and helps develop resilience against past, present, and future adversity.

  • Doing the hard work

Don’t kid yourself, none of this is easy. Finding self-acceptance and establishing a positive identity is difficult, but it is a vital source of resilience. Counselling provides a supportive and safe space to explore feelings, process emotions, and develop coping strategies. It can help LGBTQ+ people better understand their sexual orientation and gender identity, and work through experiences of discrimination or rejection. Finding your pride is much deeper than a month on the calendar, true self-acceptance is key to improving mental wellbeing and a happier, healthier life.

So if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges related to their LGBTQ+ identity, consider reaching out to a counsellor for support.

RESOURCES

Support and Spaces

Communities

Events

About the author: This blog is written by Fiona Travers. Fiona works with adults, focusing on the following areas in her practice: LGBTQ+ challenges. Grief and bereavement. Fertility issues. Couples counselling.

Fiona is a part-time counsellor at RED DOOR who is currently on sabatical. Fiona’s counselling style is informed by two decades creating values and purpose-led brands in the corporate world. She is passionate about helping individuals build personal resilience and find their own sense of self in the world.

RED DOOR is committed to being a gender affirming and LGBTQ+ supporting practice. Contact the Red Door Reception to set up an appointment with one of our therapists contact reception@reddoor.hk or text 852-93785428.


[1] https://medicine.yale.edu/news-article/the-global-closet-is-hugevast-majority-of-worlds-lesbian-gay-bisexual-population-hide-orientation-ysph-study-finds/

The Psychology Behind Resolutions: What Makes Them Stick?.

The tradition of setting resolutions at the beginning of the New Year has a long history.  In the time of Caesar’s Rome, the Senate decided that the new year would begin on the 1st January in reverence to that month’s name sake – the God Janus – the two-faced God who looks backward to the past and forward to the future at the same time. The Senate set the new intention for being kinder and more cooperative with each other when the new year began, and thus the tradition of  New Year resolutions was created.

I like the idea of resolutions simply because you consider and embrace the opportunity to introduce change into your life. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it would be that we can not control change ENFORCED on us, but we can control change that is INVITED by us. Invite some positive change into your life this year.

Setting resolutions may seem unrealistic. A few years ago I worked with one of HK’s leading market research teams, CSG, to explore what people intended for their resolutions.   Over 50 percent of the 900 people interviewed had set the same resolutions year after year. This might imply that they ‘failed’ last year to achieve their goal. So perhaps they should quit whilst they are ahead. We disagree.

Rather than seeing repeat resolution as a failure I feel it expresses determination to keep trying. As is often quoted (and attributed to several authors), it does not matter how many times you fall down, but rather how many times you get back up.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. It would be unrealistic to expect things to always stay the same. Resolutions allow you to invite change into your life on your terms. If you are going to experience change, why not accept that and invite the change that may create the biggest new opportunity, heal old hurts and invite the change that you have been searching for.

What happens if you fail in your resolution? You start well, but then your commitment tapers off. Don’t worry. Start again. If you slip up once or twice, or even twenty times. If you stay committed to what you want to accomplish, you’ll be proud of yourself in the end. And Chinese New Year is just around the courner, with a new invitation to invite change again.

Invite change. Invite growth. Happy New Year.

*********************************************************************

For those of you interested in our original resolutions research –  I have included some of the results of the CSG/RED DOOR research in order for you to understand what goals other people set.

Summary of some of the research by CSG and Red Door

We conducted a survey with 400 Hong Kong affluent individuals and 500 Chinese affluent regarding the resolutions they have intend for 2017, and their commitment to achieving these resolutions. From the survey, 61% (Hong Kong) and 59% (Chinese) affluent adults has made resolutions for 2017.

  1.  65% of women in Hong Kong made a resolution relative to only 57% men
  2. The top 2 resolutions that women in Hong Kong made are:  Health & Fitness (68%) + Money (63%)
  3. 80% of women in HK have concrete goals + time frames
  4. Only 44% of these HK women made a new resolution
  5. To achieve their resolution, they plan to do the following:
    1. Chart their success (43%)
    2. Make a change in their career (36%)
    3. Change a regular habit (35%)
    4. Change their look (32%)
  6. They are making the resolution for themselves because 72% believed that they would be most impressed with the achievement of their resolution
  7. 62% of the women in HK have made resolutions that involved a financial commitment
  8. They are willing to spend an average of HKD5,210 in the first month

Data suggest that HK women are making more resolution than men and are committed to achieving their resolution with financial investment.

  • There are some really good data for Chinese women that shows up a nice contrast to HK women.
  • We have also provided data for different age groups which have interest trends for female who are 35 – 44 years old

This research was conducted at the end of 2017.

#reddoor #CSG #Newyearresolutions #positivechange #Newyear

Understanding Forgiveness: A Path to Healing

Can we truly move on without forgiving? When healing from a hurt, the inevitable question arises: Is forgiveness a possible component of this process? Mental health professionals define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate choice to let go of resentment or vengeance toward those who have caused us harm.

You may have experienced betrayal in business, friendship, or family. You might have been bullied, physically harmed, or emotionally hurt by someone’s actions. Often, forgiveness can seem impossible to offer.

The Importance of Forgiveness

Psychologists promote forgiveness as a vital part of healing, a way to lighten the emotional burden you carry. Forgiveness is fundamentally for yourself, not for anyone else. Even if you recognize its importance, taking that step may still feel daunting.

Note: You are not obligated to forgive after a crime of violence. In such cases, prioritizing your self-forgiveness may be more important than forgiving others. For instance, discussing forgiveness in the context of sexual assault with a counsellor can be beneficial, but it should never feel like an obligation.

What Forgiveness is NOT

Understanding what forgiveness is NOT can clarify the process:

Forgiveness does not mean:

Forgetting the harm done.

Excusing or justifying the offender’s behaviour.

Reconciliation with the offender.

Denying that the hurt occurred.

Minimizing your pain or emotions.

Reinstating trust in the offender.

Viewing yourself as weak.

Allowing the offender to win by your suffering.

Why forgive?

Holding onto grievances can cost you mental peace of mind. Think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself. Empowering your offender by dwelling on the past can keep you stuck in suffering. Remember, holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel.

By releasing bitterness and resentments, you’ll no longer feel bound to the negative emotions associated with them. Acknowledge that you have the power to choose how you feel about a situation.

If you believe that forgiveness is indeed possible, let’s explore a step-by-step process to achieve it.

The Process of Forgiveness

Understanding that forgiveness is a journey can be liberating. There are four steps in this process, each requiring time and reflection on your situation and reactions.

Step 1: Detail Your Narrative

Write down the story of your grievance. This will help clarify not only what happened but also when, how it made you feel, and what you think the offender intended.

Reflection Prompts:

What makes this difficult to forgive?

What happened, including dates?

How has this made you feel?

How did it change your expectations of the offender and others?

Step 2: Identify Your Barriers to Forgiveness

Recognizing the barriers that prevent forgiveness is crucial. Keep track of your reasons not to forgive alongside your narrative. Reflect on the following:

Step 3: Reflections: Questions for Forgiveness

Ask yourself the following questions to reassess your pain and consider moving beyond it:

The following 8 reflections can be tackled in any order, and as slowly as you like. To rephrase the famous quote of Chinese philosopher, Lao Zi , “When I let go of what I am, {when I think about how I am being}, I become what I might be”.

1.Am I taking this too personally?

Consider if the offender’s actions were truly meant to harm you or if situational factors played a role.

The fundamental attribution error  is the tendency for people to over-emphasize dispositional, or personality-based explanations for behaviors observed in others while under-emphasizing situational explanations. At the same time, explaining their own behaviour one may have a tendency to allow a greater emphasis on situational elements.

2. Is it time to forgive?

Reflect on whether the grievance still affects you and if you’re ready to forgive.

3. What price do I pay for not forgiving?

Contemplate the emotional and mental costs of holding onto the hurt.

4. What benefits could I gain from giving forgiveness?

Consider how forgiving could lead to personal growth and emotional freedom.

5. Consider who needs to be forgiven?

Sometimes, forgiving yourself is the most important step.

6. How do I perceive forgiveness?

Reassess your beliefs about forgiveness and consider if they limit your ability to forgive.

7. What does winning look like for me??

Visualize what a positive outcome from this situation would be, independent of the offender.

8. What is within my power?

Acknowledge that you can control your feelings and the outcome of your healing journey..

Step 4: Re-write your narrative.

Once you’ve explored your grievance from various angles, rewrite your narrative. Empower yourself by recognizing that the offender’s actions may have been selfish rather than malicious. Remember, your obligation is to yourself and your emotional well-being.

If you find it challenging to move toward forgiveness, consider discussing your feelings with a counsellor. Give the forgiveness process a try—it can be applied to multiple offenses and may help you find the freedom from the heaviness of holding a grievance.

Give the forgiveness process a try. You can try it with multiple offences. You may find the freedom you seek from the heaviness that holding a grievance is weighing on you.

About the author

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Angela helps teens and adults overcome trauma, anxiety, learning and relationships challenges. To contact Angela for a session contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk or WhatsApp on +852-93785428

Great Expectations – Tips for a Harmonious Holidays

Christmas is often marketed as a magically transformative time—where old conflicts vanish, families embrace one another, and universal happiness reigns. However, these expectations can be both unrealistic and unhelpful.

We tend to romanticize Christmas, only to feel deflated when that elusive “Christmas miracle” fails to materialize. Instead of joyfully uniting, family members may regress into familiar roles, resurrect unresolved disputes, and, after a few drinks, conflicts can erupt.

To help you manage family dynamics this Christmas—and in future gatherings—consider these practical recommendations.

Before the Gatherings

  • Communicate Expectations: Clearly discuss gift expectations and any contributions you anticipate from guests.
  • Request a Family Ceasefire: Politely ask family members to refrain from bringing up past conflicts during the celebration.

At the Gatherings

  • Set Schedule Boundaries: Establish clear start and end times for gatherings. This lets everyone know how long they need to navigate their emotions and when they can gracefully exit.
  • Monitor Alcohol Consumption: Keep an eye on alcoholic drinks. Provide a variety of soft drinks to help manage sobering up, and ensure food is available early.
  • Incorporate Breaks: Plan activities like walks or board games to break the day’s flow and redirect conversations if tensions begin to rise.
  • Take Breaks When Needed: If you start to feel angry or sad, excuse yourself for a moment. Avoid consuming mood-altering substances during this time.
  • Choose the Right Moment: If you’re hurt by a family member’s words, consider whether it’s the appropriate time or place to address the issue.
  • Own Your Reactions: Remember, you are in control of your behaviour.
  • Accept Imperfections: No gathering is without its awkward moments. If a disagreement occurs, don’t dwell on it; instead, suggest a “reset” and start fresh.

When Gatherings Aren’t Possible

Sometimes, family gatherings simply aren’t feasible. You may not feel safe or calm around your family of origin, even during the holidays. If you’ve become estranged, creating your own Christmas traditions can be a rewarding alternative.

Even when parents prioritize their children’s needs, divorce can necessitate new Christmas practices to minimize the pain of separation. In these cases, consider crafting your own expectations for the holiday.

Remember

There’s  no “right” way to celebrate Christmas. Families have unique practices, perspectives on gift-giving, and varying mealtime traditions. You and your family can design your own Christmas customs.

Collaboratively establishing Christmas traditions with your children reinforces their importance within the family and helps create new expectations that you can cherish. Ultimately, it’s your Christmas—celebrate it your way. 

Understanding Executive Functioning Skills: A Pathway to Overall Success

executivefuntioning

Executive functioning skills—such as planning, organizing, prioritizing, self-checking, and shifting—are essential not only for academic achievement but also for a child’s holistic development and self-esteem. These skills play a vital role in enabling children to navigate various life domains, from academic settings to social interactions. Recognizing individual strengths and weaknesses in this area can empower students to take charge of their educational journeys and personal growth.

What Are Executive Functioning Skills?

Broadly defined, executive functioning encompasses a range of cognitive processes that support learning and personal development. Strong executive functioning enables children to:

  • Organize Materials and Time: Efficiently manage tasks and responsibilities.
  • Employ Memory Strategies: Utilize techniques to enhance information retention.
  • Maintain Focus: Concentrate on tasks and minimize distractions.
  • Enhance Self-Awareness: Recognize their organizational strengths and weaknesses and respond accordingly.

The Impact of Weak Executive Functioning

Children who struggle with executive functioning often encounter significant challenges that extend beyond academics, including:

  • Inefficient Work Habits: Difficulty completing tasks effectively, leading to frustration.
  • Underperformance: Challenges in demonstrating true abilities in exams and assessments, which can negatively impact confidence.
  • Forgetfulness: Regularly forgetting essential materials or equipment for school, resulting in feelings of inadequacy.
  • Difficulty Distinguishing Key Information: Challenges in identifying important details versus errors.
  • Poor Self-Concept and Low Self-Esteem: When children find organization difficult, they may engage in negative self-talk and develop a negative self-image.

These issues can escalate as children transition from primary to middle and high school, and beyond. Without targeted support, the implications of weak executive functioning can persist into adulthood, affecting personal relationships and professional success.

The Importance of Assessment

A comprehensive assessment of executive functioning skills can provide valuable insights into a child’s cognitive processes, highlighting areas of planning and performance that require additional support. Assessment tools typically involve rating scales that can be completed by the student (if they possess sufficient self-awareness) and close adults. These assessment questions focus on components of executive functioning that may need attention. At Red Door, our proprietary executive functioning assessment explores various domains, including self-awareness, organizational skills, goal setting,  flexibility, emotional regulation, meeting behavioural expectations, proactive initiation, sustained focus, memory, and persistence.

The Broader Impact

Enhancing executive functioning skills can lead to a more organized, confident, and resilient child. As students learn to manage their time and responsibilities more effectively, they not only improve academically but also bolster their self-esteem and overall well-being.

Understanding and addressing executive functioning is a crucial step in nurturing well-rounded individuals who are prepared to tackle the challenges of both their academic and personal lives.

Key domains within executive functioning. 

Understanding Yourself / Self-awareness as an Area of Executive Functioning

Self-awareness is a critical component of executive functioning. Some individuals may overestimate their abilities in certain tasks and fail to perceive themselves as others do. For instance, they might believe they are more cooperative or attentive than they actually are. However, when parents or guardians assess their child’s performance in these areas, they may offer a significantly different perspective.

It is essential to recognize both strengths and weaknesses while maintaining a hopeful yet realistic approach to the challenges we encounter. You may not yet be proficient at a task, but avoiding remedial education or support can hinder your ability to improve; growth often requires engagement with the right resources.

Children sometimes define themselves solely by their weaknesses, so it is important to challenge this mindset and encourage a more balanced self-view. Self-awareness also involves recognizing the level of effort you invest in your projects. Ask yourself whether you are striving to do your best or merely getting by, and consider if you are conscious of the decisions you make regarding your strengths and challenges. Some may find it difficult to identify these aspects on their own. Typically, we guide children and teenagers to seek objective and constructive feedback to enhance their self-understanding, particularly if self-awareness is an area of weakness in their executive functioning. This feedback can provide valuable insights, helping them to recognize their abilities and areas for improvement more clearly. By fostering self-awareness, we empower individuals to navigate their personal and academic challenges with greater confidence and resilience.

Organisational skills.

Organisational skills are a crucial component of executive functioning. Being organised involves having a designated place for everything and ensuring that all items are in their proper locations. It also includes establishing a system—such as a method or routine—that helps your child or teen manage the items they need on a daily basis for specific classes while remaining aware of these systems.

Often, children tend to carry too many objects and need to learn how to streamline their belongings, ensuring they only take what is necessary. If your child frequently arrives at class with the wrong equipment, they may require support to enhance their organizational skills. For children who struggle in this area, we typically assist them in developing customized checklists and planning schedules. These tools help them know what to do and include training on how to review and organize their schoolbags effectively.

Flexibility.

Changes can occur in schedules, task parameters, and even your child’s ability to attend school or participate in after-school activities. How does your child respond to changes? Are they flexible, emotional, or rigid? Beyond maintaining schedules, it is important to develop flexibility in life—especially when situations do not unfold as we expect or feel comfortable with. For example, as the school year progresses, children may suddenly find a subject difficult that they previously found easy or required little effort.

I have observed that some neurodiverse children can read easily from a young age due to their extensive memory skills. However, around the age of 8 or 9, we may realise that they are unable to read phonetically and need to revert to basic reading skills. These setbacks are often short-lived but can be frustrating for individuals who were accustomed to reading with ease, only to discover that the material has become significantly more complicated.

Being flexible helps individuals cope with these situations effectively. Learning to manage shortcomings or mistakes can be challenging even for adults, but developing this skill is crucial for resilience and adaptation.

Emotional regulation.

Being able to understand and manage emotions is an important skill for children and teens. Sometimes, children struggle with anxiety, frustration, boredom, or anger, and these overwhelming feelings can interfere with their academic performance. For example, when a child experiences strong feelings of anxiety, they may perform poorly on formal assessments. Additionally, children may express intense emotions in ways that damage their relationships with friends or family. As social connections are vital, when a child’s emotions negatively impact their relationships, it can also affect their academic success.

Helping children develop emotional literacy skills—such as monitoring their reactions and recognising the thoughts they have during emotionally charged situations—can support the development of more regulated responses. Often, sessions with a counsellor or psychologist, as an objective observer, can be a valuable step for a child or teen to begin understanding their emotional world and their reactions to it.

Behavioural expectations.

Learning to behave constructively in specific situations is essential for successful studying, school attendance, and future employment. Knowing how to behave appropriately helps children become popular and remain connected to their community. Children who are unaware of social rules can be excluded, sometimes without understanding why.

Behaviour management is closely tied to emotional regulation. Children may feel angry, but if they start hitting or damaging property as a result, they are breaking social rules about how one is entitled to behave when upset. If your child frequently gets into trouble at school for not staying on task, and other children are instructing them on how to behave, both teachers and peers may become frustrated. Your child might explain the situation as “others are too boring and want to be nerds,” but from a psychological perspective, we consider four components:

Do they know the rules exist? (Are they unaware of social cues around behaviour?)
Do they knowingly want to break the rules? (Is there some oppositional behaviour present?)
Can they choose to follow the rules if they want to? (Are there other factors involved, such as sensory processing challenges?)
Are they avoiding the task altogether? (Is this a way to escape work they lack confidence in completing successfully?)

If we encounter a child who struggles to understand behavioural expectations, we will likely spend time investigating to uncover the underlying motivations, misinterpretation of cues, and possible adaptive avoidance strategies the child may be displaying.

Proactive initiative.

The ability to start a project without repeated prompting is an important skill for achieving academic success. Proactively managing a task is not just about beginning it; it also involves remembering that the task needs to be completed and taking an appropriate approach—such as breaking it down into steps, especially if the task is complex or involves multiple stages.

For example, producing a book report requires reading the book, making notes about the story and characters, drafting the report, and then finishing it. These steps can be divided into different tasks or days so that the project does not become too overwhelming.

Some children find starting a project—or figuring out how to begin—overwhelming. As a result, they may procrastinate and seemingly avoid the activity entirely. By helping children break a project into its component parts, we can support them in working through each step. They may not fully understand the parameters of the task, and assisting them in clarifying these components is especially beneficial for producing quality work at each stage of the process.

Sustained focus.

Having sustained focus across a task is important. Some children excel at starting a project, but their efforts tend to diminish as they encounter the more tedious or complex parts of an assignment. Maintaining focus and effort when tasks become lengthy or uninteresting is challenging, yet it is a key factor in long-term academic success. Consistency is essential for sustained progress.

For some children with attention difficulties, the middle phase of a project may require additional support to maintain engagement. If we encounter a child struggling to sustain focus, we may help them understand reinforcement schedules and teach them how to break a task into smaller, manageable parts. When dividing an assignment into smaller components, we work with the child’s developing attention span, allowing them to alternate periods of study, rest, and activity. Timers can assist in establishing realistic and achievable schedules.

In exploring reinforcement schedules, we might set up external rewards to help the child develop better attention spans during study time. For example, they could work for a set number of minutes, after which they earn a preferred activity, such as watching a favourite television programme or using the iPad. It is important to ensure that the reward scenario is appropriately balanced to motivate the child and ensure the work is completed.

Ideally, a child finds the “satisfaction of good work” to be its own reward. Sometimes, we need to help children recognise the value of a job well done and how it contributes positively to their self-esteem. We should aim to foster a healthy relationship between effort and outcome, encouraging a positive self-perception and avoiding the use of shame or blame as motivators.

Persistence or Stick-to-it-ness

This refers to the attitude of “sticking at something” without losing motivation, becoming overwhelmed, or giving up when the task becomes difficult. Children and teenagers can sometimes give up too easily, so we work with them to develop strategies that help them persevere when the going gets tough.

In addition to the act of quitting, children can become discouraged by their own perceptions of themselves. We aim to encourage children to remain persistent in the face of challenges, fostering an understanding that challenges are a part of life and that we can meet them with resilience. When they do, it boosts their self-esteem; however, this is often easier said than done.

Breaking persistence down into its components, we might examine what motivates the child, their beliefs about themselves, whether they possess problem-solving skills that can be applied to new situations, their self-awareness regarding the task, and their ability to self-soothe when situations become difficult. Typically, a personalised approach is developed for each individual to help overcome their specific obstacles to persistence.

Memory skills.

Working memory, in particular, supports children’s success at school. It is the dynamic system that helps them understand the requirements of a task while simultaneously holding and manipulating relevant information stored in long-term memory to complete that task.

Children may struggle to remember facts, processes, or formulas and may require training to improve their ability to retrieve information effectively. In some cases, more complex memory issues can lead to filing errors when attempting to organise and store information. Many memory difficulties can be addressed through targeted training.

When exploring memory challenges, we first focus on understanding how information is processed into memory, identifying which types of input are more difficult to remember. Once we have a clearer picture of these input challenges, we work on developing strategies to manipulate and access stored information more efficiently.

Sometimes, we utilise online tools or games designed to enhance working memory. Children with memory difficulties often experience feelings of low self-esteem attached to their challenges. They may compare themselves unfavourably to others, which can affect their confidence. It is important to support and boost their self-esteem as part of the process of improving their memory skills.

Goal Setting

Understanding the goal of a task, as well as overall goals at school and in life, helps children and teenagers focus their attention on activities that will be most beneficial to them. Learning isn’t just about normalising everyone or bringing them up to a passing standard; sometimes it involves recognising areas in which they excel and finding ways to stretch those strengths beyond what they thought possible.

Goal setting supports children and teenagers in reviewing their work, managing their time effectively, selecting appropriate mentors, and imagining what their lives could look like. If a child or teenager faces challenges in this area, we help them understand the purpose of goals and dreams, explore what is needed to pursue these aspirations, and learn how to work towards them with sustained effort.

Ideally, a child’s goals should be based on their individual strengths and interests, rather than solely on their parents’ or friends’ expectations. They might even consider creating their own personal board of directors to help them start achieving their dreams.

In conclusion, understanding and nurturing executive functioning skills is essential for children’s overall development and success. These skills—ranging from emotional regulation and organisational abilities to memory and persistence—play a pivotal role in helping children navigate academic challenges and social interactions. By fostering these competencies, we empower our children to build resilience, enhance their self-esteem, and achieve their personal and academic goals.

If you recognise that your child may be struggling with any aspect of executive functioning, we encourage you to reach out to the RED DOOR team. We are are here to assess your child’s executive functioning skills and provide tailored support to help them thrive. Together, we can unlock your child’s potential and pave the way for a brighter future filled with success and fulfilment. Don’t hesitate to contact us—at Angelaw@reddoor.hk to start a discussion.

About The Iron Fairies

RED DOOR Counselling: Group Counselling for women going through divorce in Hong Kong.

RED DOOR has been running The Iron Fairies – an English-language therapeutic support group for women going through divorce – for the past 9 years. The group meets in person twice a month at our office in Central.

Whether you are leaving a difficult marriage or have simply agreed to part ways, the impact on your mental and physical wellbeing can be overwhelming at times. This should not be underestimated or ignored. Going through a relationship breakdown, separation, or divorce can be one of the most emotionally challenging periods of your life.

We understand that this can be an extremely isolating time, and you may need to talk openly about the fragile circumstances you are facing. Support groups provide a safe and confidential space to express your feelings without judgement. Attending these groups can help alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness associated with divorce.

The group is lead by an experienced counsellor who works as a marriage counsellor, individual counsellor, family therapist, divorce coach, and parental coordinator.

Cost – HKD 300 per session you attend. Please bring cash when you come

Frequency – Iron Fairies runs 2 x a month, usually on one Monday night and one Fridya night. The latest schedule is at the end of this page.

Time – THe group runs 6:30-8pm

Location: RED DOOR Counselling , Unit 301, 3rd Floor, SunWise Building, 112-114 Wellington Street, Central

Added value: , The Iron Fairies has a WhatsApp group for women who have attended a session in person. You can only join the WhatsApp group after meeting Angela in person or attending a session.

Please note: You must have made the decision to divorce before joining The Iron Fairies.

Upcoming sessions

Session dates and outlines

Monday 13 October 2025 – Grief created by divorce – structured group

Friday 24 October 2025 – structured group topic – representing yourself in court

Monday 10 November 2025 – unstructured group – general catch up

Friday 27 November 2025 – structured group – setting goals for today and beyond

Monday 8 December 2025 – unstructured group – potential Christmas celebration

Understanding Parental Alienation in Divorce: What It Is, Why It’s Harmful, and How to Address It

Divorce can be a challenging and emotional process for everyone involved—especially for children. One of the often overlooked but deeply damaging issues that can arise during and after divorce is parental alienation. Understanding what it is, why it’s harmful, and what you can do about it is crucial for protecting your child’s well-being and maintaining healthy relationships.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation occurs when one parent, whether intentionally or unintentionally, influences a child to reject or distance themselves from the other parent. This can happen through harmful behaviours such as bad-mouthing the other parent, restricting contact, or fuelling negative feelings towards them. This creates a conflict of loyalty that the child must unfairly navigate.

It may manifest as the child refusing to spend time with the targeted parent, rejecting their messages or gifts, or expressing unfounded suspicions or hatred. It is developmentally important that a child has the opportunity to build a relationship with both parents.

While some disagreements during divorce are normal, parental alienation involves manipulative tactics that distort the child’s perception of the other parent, often to the benefit of the alienating parent.

Why Is Parental Alienation Harmful?

The effects of parental alienation are profoundly damaging—for both the child and the targeted parent:

  • Emotional Trauma: Children subjected to parental alienation may experience confusion, guilt, depression, or anxiety. They often feel torn between their parents and may suffer identity issues.
  • Damaged Parent-Child Relationship: The targeted parent’s relationship with the child can deteriorate, leading to feelings of loss, rejection, and helplessness.
  • Long-term Effects: Parental alienation can impact a child’s ability to form healthy relationships in the future, fostering distrust or difficulties in trusting others. Children coerced into manipulation through triangulation may also face issues with co-dependency in their own romantic relationships.
  • Academic Impact: The emotional challenges at home can lead to social withdrawal at school and impair the child’s academic performance.

Additionally, parental alienation can escalate conflict, prolong legal battles, and create a toxic environment detrimental to the child’s development. It costs parents financially and harms the child’s mental health.

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

If you suspect or know that parental alienation is happening, here are some steps you can take:

  1. Recognise the Signs
    Be alert to behaviours such as your child refusing contact without valid reasons, parroting negative comments about you, or being manipulated into rejecting you. Keep track of any changes in your child’s attitude or behaviour.
  2. Maintain Communication with Your Child
    Keep open, honest, and age-appropriate conversations. Reassure your child of your love and support, and encourage them to share their feelings freely. Even if they refuse to see you, keep the door open with cards or small gestures.
  3. Seek Professional Help
    A family therapist or mental health professional experienced in parental alienation can work with your child and help you address the situation. Requesting family therapy as part of the divorce process may benefit everyone. Collaborating with your ex-partner — with the child’s best interests at heart — is often helpful.
  4. Refrain from Bad-Mouthing the Other Parent
    Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child. Instead, promote a positive relationship and emphasise that they are loved by both parents. Be particularly sensitive if you inadvertently ask your child to pick sides—that’s unfair. Your child is entitled to both a mum and a dad, and they should not feel forced to choose one to feel secure.
  5. Document Incidents
    Keep records of any concerning behaviours, communications, or instances of alienation. This documentation can be useful if legal intervention becomes necessary.
  6. Consult Legal Professionals
    If parental alienation affects custody arrangements or the child’s safety, consult a solicitor specialising in family law. Courts can sometimes order counselling, supervised visitation, or other measures to protect the child’s best interests.
  7. Prioritise the Child’s Well-Being
    Above all, focus on your child’s emotional health. Create an environment of love, stability, and open communication wherever possible. Remember, in divorce, strive to be the best parent you can be.

I often advise parents to imagine their child, in the future, telling their partner about the story of their childhood. Consider how they might say, “The thing I most admired about my mum is ________,” or “Even when things got tough, I respect that my dad did ________.” How would you feel if your child believed you turned them against their other parent just to protect your feelings?

Final Thoughts

Parental alienation is a serious issue that can have lasting effects on a child’s mental health and family relationships. Recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps can help preserve the bond between children and their targeted parent. Remember, seeking help from professionals and keeping the child’s best interests at heart are key to overcoming these challenges.

If you’re facing parental alienation, know that support is available. You don’t have to navigate this difficult situation alone—reach out to legal and mental health professionals to help you and your child through this process.

What You Can Do If Your Divorce Involves Financial Abuse

Divorce is often an emotionally challenging process. For some, it can become even more complicated when financial abuse is involved. Financial abuse is a form of control and manipulation that can leave victims drained, confused, and vulnerable—making the divorce process even more difficult. It may have existed throughout the marriage or only surfaced during separation. Unfortunately, many women in Hong Kong struggle to fund their divorce due to financially abusive behaviors by their ex-partners. Knowing what steps to take is essential.

What Is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse occurs when one partner uses money or financial resources to exert power and control over the other. During divorce, these tactics can escalate, hindering the victim’s ability to achieve financial independence or protect their assets.

Common tactics of financial abuse include:

  • Withholding money or access to funds to prevent one party from leaving or maintaining control
  • Controlling all financial decisions, even after separation
  • Stealing, hiding, or manipulating assets
  • Refusing to pay shared debts or expenses
  • Sabotaging credit scores or financial opportunities to limit future borrowing or employment options
  • Using money demands as leverage in family matters—e.g., withholding access to children unless paid for holidays or other demands

Recognizing the Signs of Financial Abuse During Separation or Divorce

Be alert for these warning signs:

  • Sudden changes in access to bank accounts or funds
  • Neglect or refusal to pay shared bills
  • Lack of awareness about joint financial details
  • Manipulation or withholding of financial information
  • Feeling intimidated or threatened regarding money matters
  • Demands for financial arrangements tied to child care or visitation

Awareness of these signs is the first step toward taking action and protecting yourself.

How to Protect Yourself During Divorce — 10 Essential Considerations

If you suspect or know you are experiencing financial abuse, consider these steps to safeguard your financial well-being:

1. Gather Financial Documentation
Start collecting all relevant records—bank statements, tax returns, pay stubs, property deeds, loan documents—as early as possible. Store copies securely, in a safe physical location or encrypted digital storage inaccessible to your partner.

2. Open Personal Financial Accounts
If you share accounts, consider opening your own bank and credit accounts. This helps establish your own financial independence.

3. Seek Legal Advice
Consult with a lawyer experienced in divorce and financial abuse cases. A knowledgeable lawyer can guide you on protecting assets, understanding your legal rights, and pursuing remedies if abuse occurs.

4. Develop a Safety Plan
If you feel threatened or unsafe, create a safety plan that includes emergency contacts, a safe place to stay, and steps to take if your situation escalates. Never hesitate to prioritize your safety and that of your children.

5. Document Everything
Keep detailed records of agreements and communications with your ex-partner. Save emails, texts, or messages threatening your finances or demanding inappropriate arrangements. Share these with your lawyer, especially if protective orders are necessary.

6. Secure Your Financial Future
Work with legal counsel to ensure a fair division of assets and debts. Engage a financial advisor to understand your financial standing and plan ahead. Consider consulting a career coach or counselor about building a side income or expanding your vocational skills to foster long-term independence.

7. Limit Shared Access
Change passwords and restrict access to shared accounts. Avoid sharing sensitive financial information unless absolutely necessary, especially during legal proceedings.

8. Consider Protective Orders
In cases of coercion or control, requesting a protective order can provide legal safeguards. While lawyer fees may seem high, they often offer the best approach to balancing your needs and securing your rights.

9. Focus on Your Future
Despite the difficulties, actively work toward a new, secure future for yourself and your family. Support from legal professionals, support organizations, and mental health counselors can make this journey more manageable.

10. Seek Support
Divorce is tough, and facing it alone makes it harder. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. In Hong Kong, RED DOOR’s Iron Fairies offers therapeutic support specifically for women going through divorce, helping them find healing and empowerment. For more about Iron Fairies, check out the related blog links below.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling Hong Kong. Angela runs the Iron Fairies, Hong Kong’s therapeutic support group for women going through divorce.

Other blogs you might find useful

“Paw”sing for Grief

Having a pet is a wonderful experience. They become beloved members of our families and bring joy and companionship into our lives. Unfortunately, like all living beings, pets will someday pass away. Sometimes, we need to end their suffering; at other times, they simply grow old. Loss can be especially painful if your pet dies suddenly in an accident.

The death of any pet—regardless of how it occurs—is deeply painful. It’s important to acknowledge your loss, out of respect for both yourself and your beloved companion.

Here are six recommendations to help you heal from the pain:

1. Recognize and Respect Your Feelings

The loss of a cherished animal companion is significant. Allow yourself to feel sad. Cry if you need to. Don’t rush through your grief. Be wary of well-meaning but dismissive comments like, “Get over it— it was just a dog/cat.” Remember, your pet was a loved family member. Grief often comes in waves—initially intense and overwhelming, gradually softening over time. Years later, unexpected waves of sadness may still wash over you.

2. Talk About It

Don’t keep your feelings bottled up or feel guilty about sharing your sorrow. Friends and family can provide invaluable support during this time. Even if you don’t fully understand someone’s grief, showing empathy is meaningful. If a friend has lost a pet, offer your support and listen compassionately.

3. Memorialize Your Pet

Create a small memorial to honor your pet. Share photos, stories, and memories. This act of remembrance helps maintain a connection with your beloved animal, especially during the painful days following their passing. You might also write a letter expressing gratitude and love, which can be especially helpful for children. Writing provides a creative outlet for sadness and reinforces that your pet’s memory continues to live on. For children, drawing pictures of their pet or even receiving a letter from their pet can be comforting. I remember when my young child struggled with the sudden loss of our dog, Milo—I even wrote a humorous “letter from Milo” about his adventures in heaven, which brought smiles and comfort.

4. Practice Rituals

Engage in rituals to honor your pet. In Chinese tradition, during the Hungry Ghost Festival, people burn paper models of comforts like clothes, cars, or gadgets to support their loved ones in the afterlife. You can adapt this idea for your pet—drawing or creating paper representations of their favorite toys or foods. For example, I once sent Milo a paper steak to avoid the diet he jokingly “needed” in heaven. These rituals create a sense of ongoing connection and help process grief.

5. Allow Space for Your Grief

Avoid rushing to replace your pet with another right away. Doing so can confuse children and suggest that grief is something to be avoided or that feelings should be suppressed. Instead, when you’re ready, discuss with your family about welcoming another pet—this thoughtful approach ensures everyone is prepared to form a new bond without dismissing the depth of their feelings.

6. Nurture Yourself and Your Family

Losing a pet is often devastating. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones during this difficult time. Remember, you have lost a dear friend and part of your family. Respect your emotions and honor the love and companionship your pet shared with you.


#Bereavement
#PetDeath

 

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Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, career change, stress management and divorce. 

Your mental health contributes to your longevity

Does your mental health and  emotional health contribute to living a long happy life?

Most of us know some of the elements that contribute to our physical health and potential longevity such as maintaining healthy weight, managing your cholesterol, regular exercise, and preventative checking for cancers.

Emotional health and physical health are closely intertwined in ways that mainstream medicine is starting to recognise. Part of being healthy will require good emotional mental health.

Making positive choices can contribute to greater longevity, and more enjoyment in life. Conversely, some choices, and conditions unfortunately can take time away, and make time harder for us.

In this article we look at those conditions and behaviours that can give us more time, and also take time from us. We don’t control exactly how much time we have on earth, but we can have some power on our time we have, and how enjoyable that time is.

Losing time – conditions that compromise our ability to live long, fruitful lives.

Our emotional health, and threats to our emotional health, can compromise our longevity. Whilst a psychiatric condition such as stress, depression, anxiety, may have developed because of your circumstances, they are not your fault. However dealing with those conditions becomes your responsibility.

Psychiatric disorders

Serious mental illnesses such as psychosis, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia can leave individuals more prone to suicide, and also more likely to being placed in situations where their physical safety may be compromised. Whilst these conditions are usually quite rare, compared to depression and anxiety, illnesses such a bipolar or schizophrenia disorder appear in about 0.5 of most countries populations [3]. In Hong Kong, documentation of these disorders is not current, but reports as recent as 2017, detail that requests for psychiatric services continues to grow from 187,000 requests in 2011-2012 to 220,000 cases in 2015-2016 [2]. And these numbers predate the COVID pandemic.  The COVID pandemic may have exacerbated negative mental health situations for many people in Hong Kong,

The presence of a serious psychiatric disorder adds to the individual, and their family’s’ experience of stress and depression. Additionally, it is difficult to medically treat these conditions so people who are hospitalised may possibly be over medicated, and many of these medications can cause harm to the individual (whilst they are also calming them). Balancing the benefit/cost of psychiatric medications is a complicated situation.

Depression

We use the term “depression” so flippantly we often forget that being depressed for some people is a long term, severe illness which robs them of all enjoyment, and sometimes leads individuals to thoughts of death. Depression affects about 3% of the population of Hong Kong [2].

Unfortunately, around 1000 people choose to take their lives in Hong Kong every year (1) . All of these deaths are tragedies. Its worth noting that, on average, 20% of the suicides in Hong Kong are people over the age of 65 years of age, and about 13% are individuals under 24 years of age. We need to take depression in individuals seriously and provide comprehensive treatment, especially for these more vulnerable populations.

Depression can lead to a fast death, but it can also contribute to a slow death. For individuals with persistent and severe depression some of the aspects of their depressive experience will affect their physical health to the extent that this can influence their physical health and possibly length of life, even in the absence of suicidal ideation or tendencies.

Such behaviours include lethargy, especially long periods, in bed, poor eating habits (both too much and too little) and the impact of poor self-care and hygiene. These are common elements of depression and maintain depression, and have negative impact on blood pressure, metabolism, movement and overall physical health.

People who are persistently depressed need help. The condition of depression is corrosive and controlling over the thought patterns of those trapped in this situation. Some depressed people seem think that they will wake up one day and be motivated to feel better. They are simply waiting for motivation to “kick in”. This is not what happens. Recovery from depression takes work under expert guidance.

Treatment of depression can involve medication, talk therapy, and behavioural interventions. If you  have been feeling any of the following symptoms for more than a few weeks, I urge you to contact a counsellor or GP to discuss treatment options.

Symptoms of depression:

  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feeling mood
  • Irritability
  • Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
  • Excessive fatigue
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
  • Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
  • Changes in appetite or weight
  • Perpetual feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Difficulty focusing, remembering, and inability to make decisions
  • Somatic aches or pains, – headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause
  • Feeling physically heavy and moving more slowly
  • Thoughts of death or suicide, or even just wishing to not be alive anymore.

Stress

Being stressed is a emotional mental health challenge that may affect your longevity and the quality of enjoyment you experience. Being stressed can place undue stress on your heart. Stressful events can be sudden stressful life events such as seeing an accident or the death of a loved one. Sometimes stress is more chronic, an accumulation and persistence of stressful events such as relationship split up, moving house, and a stressful job. A common assessment of stress, Holmes-Rahe-Stress-inventory [4] can help you check if your experience of stress is at such a level that it is likely that you will start experiencing challenges to your physical health.

Unfortunately, those under excessive stress can doubling impact on their physical health through associated compromising lifestyle choices, such a avoidance of exercise, poor diet, poor sleep and self-medication through pills or substances. All of these behaviours make the experience of stress worse, and also threaten the physical health of a person.


Substance addictions

Alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, stimulates, beta blockers – all of these can be dangerous to our physical health. Introducing dangerous levels of toxins into our bodies on a regular basis, can affect the way our body processes these toxins. Additionally, addiction itself, to behaviours and substances traps us in a cycle of shame that can lead to depression.  Taking a break from alcohol and other addictive substances can be, literally, lifesaving for many people.

Adding time – choices that can extend life, and the enjoyment of it.

Good help.

Individuals can have a propensity to think to muddle through when they are anxious, stressed or depressed. Something about your lifestyle, thinking processes, or stress levels, is quite possibly prohibiting you from seeing stressful situations realistically. An expert, outside of yourself, can help you see that situation in the way that helps you better process what what has happened, and what can be done. Sometimes individuals who feel down, are stressed, or are self-medicating need to vent, sometimes they need to change.

Consider counselling. Ask your counsellor how they see your current life situation and what you, as a team, can do to alter how you have been feeling. If your counsellor can’t answer this question for you, you are completely entitled, even encouraged, to talk to another counsellor. Counsellor – patient chemistry is an important predictor of positive outcomes.

Dial down your reactivity

Some people are like simmering pots of anger. It doesn’t take much for those pots to boil over. Does this describe you?

Emotional health is the consequence of being able to regulate your emotions. Peter Attia in his masterpiece book on longevity, Outlive, writes, “90% of male rage is helplessness masquerading as frustration”. If you are quick to anger, tears or frustration, you may benefit from working on emotional regulation.

Regulating your emotion requires an attention to the triggers, forces and thoughts that drive your reactions to circumstances. In counselling we unpack your reactions to dissect what you really experienced and believed about a situation and explore how the lessons you have learnt from your past, and the fears that you have about your future, intersect at the way you choose to react. If you feel as if your emotions are out of control, or can’t even feel emotions any more, counselling is for you.

Adopt flexible perspectives

We can all get trapped in our thought patterns and many times we do not look at situations as flexibly as we could. Cognitive filters are thinking errors that make us look at situations from certain perspectives. We grow into using cognitive filters as a means to, we believe, efficiently assess situations. However filters can become problematic and can make us less happy.  

For example, we often compare the worst of ourselves to the best of others. When people compare themselves to other people often, they are often misguided in their assessment of both how “lucky/successful” the other person is, as well as a “how unlucky/unsuccessful” we are. When we enter a situation from a rigid black vs white perspectives we tend to think that only one party can be correct, whilst the other must be wrong. Actually, many situations are much more nuanced that we first appreciate and sometimes focusing on you vs someone else means everyone loses.

Read our attached blog to read more about cognitive filters. Change your thinking – change your life.

In order to overcome cognitive filters we need to capture, review and re-frame our perspectives. In therapy we use cognitive flexibility exercises in order to help clients re-frame their experience in ways that helps them become less reactive, and calmer.

Working to develop more flexible thoughts around situations can help you build a different set of responses to situations. The next time you find yourself reacting problematically to a situation consider some of the questions outlined below. These are some of the questions I use when working with clients on their cognitive flexibility.

Embracing age as a gift

Positive age beliefs serve as a barrier against stress. Being accepting or positive about growing older can affect how contented you are as you grow older. Fixating on your age, negative self talk that  you are “over it” of “old and frumpy” will make you feel bad. Think about your self-dialogue as a meal that you consume. If you only feed yourself negative commentary, how can you expect to feel good?

Connect to protect

The central tenet of Waldinger and Schulz’s 2023 book, The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness, is that good relationships, keep us healthier and happier. Good relationships, friendships and romantic relationships, protect us about the impact of negative events in our lives. Negative events are going to happen. No one completely avoids emotional hardships, what gets us through is the quality of our relationships.

Do you have the relationships you want, or infact need in your life? If not, what can you do to build new and better friendships. Our blog on friendships may help you on this matter.

You can take charge of your future. You don’t have to wait for your mood to improve to engage in change. And you can feel differently, exist differently, and live better (and longer)

About the author. Angela Watkins was named Hong Kong’s best therapist. Angela works with adults and teens to help them build better lives – including relationship recovery, building positive self esteem, overcoming depression, quietening anxiety, getting stuff done, and recovery from trauma. To contact Angela for therapy email Angelaw@reddoor.hk

If you want to read more on the topic of longevity consider reading some of these books:

Attia, P (2023). Outlive: The science and art of longevity. Harmony Books. New York

Gratton, L & Scott, A. (2016) The 100-year life: Living and working the in age of longevity. Bloombury. London.

Greger, M. & Stone, G. (2015). How not to die. Flatiron books.

Levy, B. (2022) Breaking the age code: How your beliefs about aging determine how long and well you live. Harper Collins. Sydney.

Ni, M (2006) Secrets of Longevity

Waldinger, R. & Schulz, M. (2023). The good life: Lessons from the world’s longest scientific study of happiness. Simon & Schuster. New York.

The Emotional Piggy Bank: Building an enriched relationship

In order to make your relationship last, you need to ensure you have a full emotional piggy bank.

John Gottman, landmark couples counsellor and relationship researcher, studied thousands of couples exploring the difference between happy and unhappy couples. There are some notable differences.

Happy couples engage positively with one another and show interest in each other’s lives. Happy couples are generous in spirit towards towards each other. They try to understand each other’s world. Happy couples spend time together – connecting. When these couples experience conflict they use strategies to stay positive towards each other, see the conflict as an issue for them to resolve (e.g.you and I versus the problem) and work towards resolution.

Unhappy couples don’t do these things.

In couples counselling we often introduce the Gottman concept of the Emotional piggy bank. To help couples better realise the deposits, investments and withdrawals their actions within the marriage represent.

When our relationship’s emotional piggy bank is full, couples able more likely to be able to be generous in spirit towards each other when they encounter tricky situations.

For example. Imagine your partner, John, said he would call you at 3pm to talk about an important topic. The designated time to call comes and goes, with no message or call.

If you have a full emotional piggybank, you might react in such a manner: “I guess that big project John has been worrying about has taken off and he’s lost track of time. I know he cares about me and our issue so I’ll remind him later and we will find a new time to talk”.

Conversely, if your relationship’s emotional piggy bank is running near empty you may have no good will to help you see the situation with generosity. The aggrieved partner in that instance might think: “John did it again. He never cares about anyone by himself. He just expects me to wait by the phone like some loser. Well, not this time!”

An emotional piggy bank needs to run with a healthy balance. You and your partner need to be making deposits, and checking the impact of withdrawals.

How can you make deposits into your relationship’s emotional piggy bank?

The following activities constitute a deposit into your emotional piggy bank:

  • Giving and receiving affection from each other. Not just sex.
  • Spending quality time with together doing activities that you both enjoy
  • Learning about each other’s world.
  • Performing acts of kindness for each other – even little things like grabbing a coffee for them in the morning, running them a bath, or buying special snacks that they love for your movie night.
  • Expressing gratitude towards your partner for the kindness and support they provide to you.
  • Complimenting your partner. Make sure these are authentic and show you have been paying attention. For example, “I really admire the way you acted on your work call. It sounds like your boss is a lot to handle”. Or, “I really like that shirt on you, it goes well with your eyes”.
  • Keeping promises that you made is important to help your partner know you can be trusted
  • Apologizing when you have done something wrong.
  • Giving your partner support when they are having a tough time

You also need to be careful of withdrawals. If you make too many withdrawals or make careless withdrawals from the emotional piggy bank, there may be very little good will in times of crisis.

Some behaviours that harm your relationships emotional piggy bank including:

  • Insults and disrespectful comments
  • Criticism of your partner
  • Avoiding engaging with your partner
  • Neglecting your partner
  • Brushing of your partner’s kind gestures
  • Ignoring the emotional impact of your behaviour
  • Shouting or Scolding
  • Lying to your partner
  • Gossiping about or slandering your partner to others
  • Breaking promises you made to your partner

Please note: Aggression of any type – this is much only a withdrawal, this is a threat to the safety of people in your relationships.

What can you do to change the dynamic and build a better emotional piggy bank?

Respond rather than react

Do you find that you react to situations, rather than respond calmly. Often this is because of the manner you interpret situations? Do you later feel ashamed that you over reacted to a situation? Before you react to your partners actions stop and think what response would you later be proud of, versus reactions that you might regret. A counsellor can help you understand your reactive patterns and learn to interpret situations in a more cognitively flexible manner.

Appraise your level of investment

Many couples do not spend enough time with each other, and the emotional piggy bank is empty because they neglect each other, or the relationship becomes focused on day to day functionality, rather than fun or connection.

Are you spending enough time with your partner focused on each other, rather than the kids or an exhaustive to-do list?

A good relationship is an active rather than passive activity. Stop thinking this is the relationship you have, and start taking the action to make it the relationship you want. Firstly, acknowledge that you could be kinder towards each other and start to think of what this might look like. Secondly, think about securing some time to spend together, once a week, or at least once a month.

Spend time getting to know each other

Great relationships are, at their core, great friendships. Remember back to the beginning of your relationship. You probably spent a lot of time asking questions about your partner, and were thirsty for knowledge about how they interpret the world. This curiosity often diminishes with time, to the detriment of your relationship. Be curious again.

When was the last time you sat down and spent time learning about your partners world. If you don’t know what to ask, the list below is a great place to start.

Practice preferences

People have preferences. Some people like to receive gifts. Other prefer to spend time together. Do you know how your partner likes to receive love? People often give love in the manner that they, personally would like to receive it, rather than checking what their partner wants. This misunderstanding can mean that your kind actions are not

The two following quiz links might help you better understand how your partner wants to receive love, and the type of apology they like to receive. So many people get caught up waiting for the “right” apology, it might be helpful for you to know what your partner thinks are the components of a good apology.

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language

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About the author. Angela Watkins is a counsellor for individuals and couples working in Hong Kong. If you’d like to improve your romantic relationship consider working with Angela or other members of the RED DOOR team. Contact angelaw@reddoor.hk

#emotionalpiggybank

#relationshipgoals

#conflictresolution

#relationships

#love

#relationshipimprovement