Christmas is often marketed as a magically transformative time—where old conflicts vanish, families embrace one another, and universal happiness reigns. However, these expectations can be both unrealistic and unhelpful.

We tend to romanticize Christmas, only to feel deflated when that elusive “Christmas miracle” fails to materialize. Instead of joyfully uniting, family members may regress into familiar roles, resurrect unresolved disputes, and, after a few drinks, conflicts can erupt.

To help you manage family dynamics this Christmas—and in future gatherings—consider these practical recommendations.

Before the Gatherings

• Communicate Expectations: Clearly discuss gift expectations and any contributions you anticipate from guests.
• Request a Family Ceasefire: Politely ask family members to refrain from bringing up past conflicts during the celebration.

At the Gatherings

• Set Schedule Boundaries: Establish clear start and end times for gatherings. This lets everyone know how long they need to navigate their emotions and when they can gracefully exit.
• Monitor Alcohol Consumption: Keep an eye on alcoholic drinks. Provide a variety of soft drinks to help manage sobering up, and ensure food is available early.
• Incorporate Breaks: Plan activities like walks or board games to break the day’s flow and redirect conversations if tensions begin to rise.
• Take Breaks When Needed: If you start to feel angry or sad, excuse yourself for a moment. Avoid consuming mood-altering substances during this time.
• Choose the Right Moment: If you’re hurt by a family member’s words, consider whether it’s the appropriate time or place to address the issue.
• Own Your Reactions: Remember, you are in control of your behaviour.
• Accept Imperfections: No gathering is without its awkward moments. If a disagreement occurs, don’t dwell on it; instead, suggest a “reset” and start fresh.

When Gatherings Aren’t Possible

Sometimes, family gatherings simply aren’t feasible. You may not feel safe or calm around your family of origin, even during the holidays. If you’ve become estranged, creating your own Christmas traditions can be a rewarding alternative.

Even when parents prioritize their children’s needs, divorce can necessitate new Christmas practices to minimize the pain of separation. In these cases, consider crafting your own expectations for the holiday.

Remember

There’s  no “right” way to celebrate Christmas. Families have unique practices, perspectives on gift-giving, and varying mealtime traditions. You and your family can design your own Christmas customs.

Collaboratively establishing Christmas traditions with your children reinforces their importance within the family and helps create new expectations that you can cherish. Ultimately, it’s your Christmas—celebrate it your way.