The tradition of setting resolutions at the beginning of the New Year has a long history.  In the time of Caesar’s Rome, the Senate decided that the new year would begin on the 1^st January in reverence to that month’s name sake – the God Janus – the two-faced God who looks backward to the past and forward to the future at the same time. The Senate set the new intention for being kinder and more cooperative with each other when the new year began, and thus the tradition of  New Year resolutions was created.

I like the idea of resolutions simply because you consider and embrace the opportunity to introduce change into your life. If the pandemic has taught us anything, it would be that we can not control change ENFORCED on us, but we can control change that is INVITED by us. Invite some positive change into your life this year.

Setting resolutions may seem unrealistic. A few years ago I worked with one of HK’s leading market research teams, CSG, to explore what people intended for their resolutions.   Over 50 percent of the 900 people interviewed had set the same resolutions year after year. This might imply that they ‘failed’ last year to achieve their goal. So perhaps they should quit whilst they are ahead. We disagree.

Rather than seeing repeat resolution as a failure I feel it expresses determination to keep trying. As is often quoted (and attributed to several authors), it does not matter how many times you fall down, but rather how many times you get back up.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. It would be unrealistic to expect things to always stay the same. Resolutions allow you to invite change into your life on your terms. If you are going to experience change, why not accept that and invite the change that may create the biggest new opportunity, heal old hurts and invite the change that you have been searching for.

What happens if you fail in your resolution? You start well, but then your commitment tapers off. Don’t worry. Start again. If you slip up once or twice, or even twenty times. If you stay committed to what you want to accomplish, you’ll be proud of yourself in the end. And Chinese New Year is just around the courner, with a new invitation to invite change again.

Invite change. Invite growth. Happy New Year.

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For those of you interested in our original resolutions research –  I have included some of the results of the CSG/RED DOOR research in order for you to understand what goals other people set.

Summary of some of the research by CSG and Red Door

We conducted a survey with 400 Hong Kong affluent individuals and 500 Chinese affluent regarding the resolutions they have intend for 2017, and their commitment to achieving these resolutions. From the survey, 61% (Hong Kong) and 59% (Chinese) affluent adults has made resolutions for 2017.

1.  65% of women in Hong Kong made a resolution relative to only 57% men
2. The top 2 resolutions that women in Hong Kong made are:  Health & Fitness (68%) + Money (63%)
3. 80% of women in HK have concrete goals + time frames
4. Only 44% of these HK women made a new resolution
5. To achieve their resolution, they plan to do the following:
   1. Chart their success (43%)
   2. Make a change in their career (36%)
   3. Change a regular habit (35%)
   4. Change their look (32%)
6. They are making the resolution for themselves because 72% believed that they would be most impressed with the achievement of their resolution
7. 62% of the women in HK have made resolutions that involved a financial commitment
8. They are willing to spend an average of HKD5,210 in the first month

Data suggest that HK women are making more resolution than men and are committed to achieving their resolution with financial investment.

• There are some really good data for Chinese women that shows up a nice contrast to HK women.
• We have also provided data for different age groups which have interest trends for female who are 35 – 44 years old

This research was conducted at the end of 2017.

#reddoor #CSG #Newyearresolutions #positivechange #Newyear

Can we truly move on without forgiving? When healing from a hurt, the inevitable question arises: Is forgiveness a possible component of this process? Mental health professionals define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate choice to let go of resentment or vengeance toward those who have caused us harm.

You may have experienced betrayal in business, friendship, or family. You might have been bullied, physically harmed, or emotionally hurt by someone’s actions. Often, forgiveness can seem impossible to offer.

The Importance of Forgiveness

Psychologists promote forgiveness as a vital part of healing, a way to lighten the emotional burden you carry. Forgiveness is fundamentally for yourself, not for anyone else. Even if you recognize its importance, taking that step may still feel daunting.

Note: You are not obligated to forgive after a crime of violence. In such cases, prioritizing your self-forgiveness may be more important than forgiving others. For instance, discussing forgiveness in the context of sexual assault with a counsellor can be beneficial, but it should never feel like an obligation.

What Forgiveness is NOT

Understanding what forgiveness is NOT can clarify the process:

Forgiveness does not mean:

Forgetting the harm done.

Excusing or justifying the offender’s behaviour.

Reconciliation with the offender.

Denying that the hurt occurred.

Minimizing your pain or emotions.

Reinstating trust in the offender.

Viewing yourself as weak.

Allowing the offender to win by your suffering.

Why forgive?

Holding onto grievances can cost you mental peace of mind. Think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself. Empowering your offender by dwelling on the past can keep you stuck in suffering. Remember, holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel.

By releasing bitterness and resentments, you’ll no longer feel bound to the negative emotions associated with them. Acknowledge that you have the power to choose how you feel about a situation.

If you believe that forgiveness is indeed possible, let’s explore a step-by-step process to achieve it.

The Process of Forgiveness

Understanding that forgiveness is a journey can be liberating. There are four steps in this process, each requiring time and reflection on your situation and reactions.

Step 1: Detail Your Narrative

Write down the story of your grievance. This will help clarify not only what happened but also when, how it made you feel, and what you think the offender intended.

Reflection Prompts:

What makes this difficult to forgive?

What happened, including dates?

How has this made you feel?

How did it change your expectations of the offender and others?

Step 2: Identify Your Barriers to Forgiveness

Recognizing the barriers that prevent forgiveness is crucial. Keep track of your reasons not to forgive alongside your narrative. Reflect on the following:

Step 3: Reflections: Questions for Forgiveness

Ask yourself the following questions to reassess your pain and consider moving beyond it:

The following 8 reflections can be tackled in any order, and as slowly as you like. To rephrase the famous quote of Chinese philosopher, Lao Zi , “When I let go of what I am, {when I think about how I am being}, I become what I might be”.

1.Am I taking this too personally?

Consider if the offender’s actions were truly meant to harm you or if situational factors played a role.

The fundamental attribution error  is the tendency for people to over-emphasize dispositional, or personality-based explanations for behaviors observed in others while under-emphasizing situational explanations. At the same time, explaining their own behaviour one may have a tendency to allow a greater emphasis on situational elements.

2. Is it time to forgive?

Reflect on whether the grievance still affects you and if you’re ready to forgive.

3. What price do I pay for not forgiving?

Contemplate the emotional and mental costs of holding onto the hurt.

4. What benefits could I gain from giving forgiveness?

Consider how forgiving could lead to personal growth and emotional freedom.

5. Consider who needs to be forgiven?

Sometimes, forgiving yourself is the most important step.

6. How do I perceive forgiveness?

Reassess your beliefs about forgiveness and consider if they limit your ability to forgive.

7. What does winning look like for me??

Visualize what a positive outcome from this situation would be, independent of the offender.

8. What is within my power?

Acknowledge that you can control your feelings and the outcome of your healing journey..

Step 4: Re-write your narrative.

Once you’ve explored your grievance from various angles, rewrite your narrative. Empower yourself by recognizing that the offender’s actions may have been selfish rather than malicious. Remember, your obligation is to yourself and your emotional well-being.

If you find it challenging to move toward forgiveness, consider discussing your feelings with a counsellor. Give the forgiveness process a try—it can be applied to multiple offenses and may help you find the freedom from the heaviness of holding a grievance.

Give the forgiveness process a try. You can try it with multiple offences. You may find the freedom you seek from the heaviness that holding a grievance is weighing on you.

About the author

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Angela helps teens and adults overcome trauma, anxiety, learning and relationships challenges. To contact Angela for a session contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk or WhatsApp on +852-93785428

Christmas is often marketed as a magically transformative time—where old conflicts vanish, families embrace one another, and universal happiness reigns. However, these expectations can be both unrealistic and unhelpful.

We tend to romanticize Christmas, only to feel deflated when that elusive “Christmas miracle” fails to materialize. Instead of joyfully uniting, family members may regress into familiar roles, resurrect unresolved disputes, and, after a few drinks, conflicts can erupt.

To help you manage family dynamics this Christmas—and in future gatherings—consider these practical recommendations.

Before the Gatherings

• Communicate Expectations: Clearly discuss gift expectations and any contributions you anticipate from guests.
• Request a Family Ceasefire: Politely ask family members to refrain from bringing up past conflicts during the celebration.

At the Gatherings

• Set Schedule Boundaries: Establish clear start and end times for gatherings. This lets everyone know how long they need to navigate their emotions and when they can gracefully exit.
• Monitor Alcohol Consumption: Keep an eye on alcoholic drinks. Provide a variety of soft drinks to help manage sobering up, and ensure food is available early.
• Incorporate Breaks: Plan activities like walks or board games to break the day’s flow and redirect conversations if tensions begin to rise.
• Take Breaks When Needed: If you start to feel angry or sad, excuse yourself for a moment. Avoid consuming mood-altering substances during this time.
• Choose the Right Moment: If you’re hurt by a family member’s words, consider whether it’s the appropriate time or place to address the issue.
• Own Your Reactions: Remember, you are in control of your behaviour.
• Accept Imperfections: No gathering is without its awkward moments. If a disagreement occurs, don’t dwell on it; instead, suggest a “reset” and start fresh.

When Gatherings Aren’t Possible

Sometimes, family gatherings simply aren’t feasible. You may not feel safe or calm around your family of origin, even during the holidays. If you’ve become estranged, creating your own Christmas traditions can be a rewarding alternative.

Even when parents prioritize their children’s needs, divorce can necessitate new Christmas practices to minimize the pain of separation. In these cases, consider crafting your own expectations for the holiday.

Remember

There’s  no “right” way to celebrate Christmas. Families have unique practices, perspectives on gift-giving, and varying mealtime traditions. You and your family can design your own Christmas customs.

Collaboratively establishing Christmas traditions with your children reinforces their importance within the family and helps create new expectations that you can cherish. Ultimately, it’s your Christmas—celebrate it your way.