Have you ever questioned your relationship with alcohol? It is a common question as part of your resolutions for a new year. 

Have you ever made rules for yourself in regard to your drinking behaviours? For example do you find you promising yourself ” I’ll only drink wine, nothing stronger” or “I’ll only have 3 drinks max before I go home – no more”? Has anyone close to you asked you about your drinking volume or behaviours? Do you ever wonder if your drinking is getting out of your control? Many people do. You are not alone.

From time to time, it is healthy to reflect on the aspects of your life which are working, and are not. Take a moment to think about if your drinking is making your life better, or is possibly a contributing factor in making your life experience, worse.

When people look at their relationship with alcohol they often consider taking a break. Taking a break is a great idea. I recommend a month rather than a week. If this sounds an overwhelming request, read on.

Perhaps you don’t feel confident to break up, or perhaps you think you really need alcohol in order to be you (ie a co-dependent style relationship). Its actually very common for people to be concerned about their drinking. Catherine Gray, in the book, The unexpected joy of being sober, suggests that that one third of regular drinkers are worried that they drink too much, but only half of those who worry actually do something about their drinking behaviour.

It isn’t your fault if you are confused or even ashamed about your relationship with alcohol. You have been tricked, entangled, and trapped, in that relationship. Advertising and society treat alcohol as a social lubricant when it is more of a social charlatan, suggesting it is the route to a good time, rather than communicating the reality of alcohol as silent poison which destroys more relationships than it creates. The harmful use of alcohol is a global problem as alcohol is a major risk factor in health and social issues such as violence, accidents, child neglect, absenteeism and mental health issues.

How do you know if you have a drinking problem, not just a drinking habit?

The following is NOT a diagnostic test, but includes some of the types of questions that would be used for a formal diagnosis of substance abuse issues. Please answer Yes or No to the following 10 questions.

1. In the past year have there been times when you have consumed more alcohol, or drank for a longer period, than you had originally intended?
2.  In the past year, has your drinking interfered with your relationship with friends, family or work colleagues?
3. In the past year, have you missed work, or key appointments on a few occasions because of alcohol consumption the night before?
4. In the past year, have you wanted to cut down your drinking amount or frequency and found yourself unable to do so?
5. In the past year, have you blacked-out as a consequence from drinking alcohol?
6. In the past year, have you lost personal items such as your keys, or wallet, whilst you were inebriated?
7. In the past year, have you missed work, or key appointments on a few occasions because of alcohol consumption the night before?
8. In the past year, have you noticed that your tolerance to alcohol has increased, and you now need to consume more alcohol in order to feel it’s effects?
9.  In the past year, have you found yourself in situations where you may have compromised your personal safety, or the safety of others, as a consequence of consuming alcohol
10. In the past year, have you started to experience some of the symptoms frequently labelled as  alcohol withdrawal, when you are not drinking including shaking, experiencing a racing heart, sweating more than usual, nausea, or trouble sleeping?

Scoring: How many questions did you answer with a “YES” response? If you answered 3 or more with a YES, then I recommend you consider to break-up with the booze, if only for a short period (3 months), and possibly longer. You can break free of the shame of that you can feel when alcohol dominates your life, and decisions, and you want to feel and act differently. You CAN put that shame behind you and live a better life. Consider some of the books and resources listed below.

If you want to take a break there are a number of options for you to consider – from books, to online resources, to face to face support. There are a number of resources that can help you give up for a week, a month, a year, or longer.

Books that could help:

There are a number of books that support breaks from alcohol, of any period. In my opinion the books sharing the experience of the author seem more compelling, and less judgmental than some of the more academic books. I have included both styles of books in the following list. Many of these books are recommended by online support groups. These books can easily be found from online book retailers.

This Naked Mind – Annie Grace 

It is easy to understand why this book is a best-seller. This book explores links links between the unconscious and conscious mind to help create motivation for change. The techniques used help readers explore their relationship to alcohol, so that giving up reminds you that you are embracing regained freedom rather than focusing on what you fear you might be missing out on. I would recommend this as a first book to read if you are considering any kind of break.

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober – Catherine Gray

Another popular best-seller, the unexpected joy is a well written memoir with extremely practical advice and insights. Gray provides information to help you staying sober for 30 days, and abstinence beyond . There is a great Facebook page attached to this label online.

Glorious Rock Bottom – Bryony Gordon.

Bryony Gordon recounts her lived experience of quitting and recovery from alcohol and cocaine addition. Simply put she describes her journey as, “I stopped drinking because I wanted to start living”. A raw and heartfelt account of her movement into and out of the shame of her addiction. Whilst the truth hurts, it also heals.

Alcohol Lied to Me – Craig Beck 

Craig Beck was a highly functional, “2 bottles of wine a night” drinker. From the outset, he looked like he had his drinking under control, but that wasn’t his reality. Craig Beck has written a treasure trove of quit drinking books and has programmes attached to his model. The process starts with exploring misconceptions that we hold about alcohol.

Nothing Good Can Come from This – Kirsti Coulter 

This memoir of one woman’s journey to sober, provides a sometimes funny, and worrying, commentary on women and their problematic love relationship to alcohol.

Girl Walks Out of a Bar – Lisa Smith

Another recover from alcohol focused memoir, this book explores cases of individuals who have been successful career wise, but struggled in their relationships with alcohol. Lisa Smith provides a real, emotive take on her experience of recovery. One of the most common excuses people use to keep drinkings, is that they are still able to, successfully, hold down a job.

Push off from here – Laura McKowen

This personal account of alcohol recovery is a deep dive into the 9 messages that McKowen need to hear, learn and accept as part of her journey to sobriety. For each of the 9 messages McKowen recounts how she came to assimilate each of the key learnings. This is a helpful book to help you understand that its not your fault, but what you choose to do is your responsibility.

Almost Alcoholic – Robert Doyle & Joseph Nowinski 

A fairly academic book written by clinical psychologists. This book outlines the problematic drinking behaviour which does not reach the level of diagnostic classification, outlining the cost of their drinking and providing practical cessation and limitation guidelines.

Sober Evolution: Evolve into sobriety and recover your alcoholic marriage – Matt Salis

Part lived experience, part advice, Matt Salis details his journey to sobriety and through marriage repair. A loving relationship and alcoholism can not co-exist. This is the reason that there is a 50% divorce rate for alcoholic marriages. Salis does not hold back. His message, for people who have out of control relationships with alcohol you have three choices: quit now; quit later; or drink yourself to death. Salis doesn’t sugar coat the reality of how difficult and shameful it feels to not drink when you associate with your regular drinking friends. Additionally marriage recovery is not automatic – there is still work to do. Salis, though, thinks it is well worth it.

Drinking: A love story – Caroline Knapp.

“I drank when I was happy and I drank when I was anxious and I drank when I was bored and I drank when I was depressed, which was often”.

Caroline Knapp exemplified the phrase “high functioning alcoholic”, until she didn’t. Like many others, her ability to work well delayed her decision to quit. This is another great lived experience book that may motivate you to explore your relationship to alcohol. Knapp, had been able to follow her own rules around drinking, and therefore avoid the consideration that she might have a problem. Through starting to explore her relationship with alcohol she realised that booze had become a great love affair, and like other affairs, it was not actually helping her be the version of herself she wanted to be..

Online and in Person support groups

Alcoholics Anonymous http://www.aa-hk.org

With more than 35 meetings a week in Hong Kong, this is the most famous alcohol recovery programme on the planet. This 12 step program includes all the great milestones of change management including support groups, mentoring, personal exploration and no judgement. Some people have reservations about elements of AA, but there is no denying the good that AA tries to do to support people recovering from problems with alcohol.

SMART RECOVERY https://www.smartrecoveryinternational.org/meetings

SMART recovery is an alternative to AA, and doesn’t involve the attachment to higher power which some people find hard about the AA process.

SMART RECOVERY  is a global community of 3000 support groups in which participants meet weekly to help each other overcome the life challenges caused by any addiction (to drugs, alcohol and behaviours such as gambling). Using SMART (Self-Management and Recovery Training), they find the power within themselves to change and lead fulfilling and balanced lives guided by a science-based and a 4 point programme focused towards building the motivation to change, be able to manage cravings of addiction, managing the thoughts and behaviours attached to addiction and lead a balanced life. You can connect with Smart Recovery on Facebook and On Instagram.

One Year No Beer – http://www.oneyearnobeer.com. 
One Year No Beer is a cessation programme that provides paid for support alcohol-free challenge options for one month, 3 month and 1 year programmes. Boasting over 55,000 members and plenty of tales from successful challenge completers, you can sample OYNB content on their Facebook page first to see if this is a good match for you. Many of the OYNB members take on positive health challenges aligned to their break from drinking, with added potential health benefits.

The alcohol experiment – http://www.alcoholexperiment.com

Attached to the Naked Mind platform, this 30 day free program (beyond that there is some cost) provides groups, mentors and advice how to move away from alcohol. Currently there are 35,000 users, and many success stories.

LifeRing – https://lifering.org/

LifeRing is a worldwide, peer-led community dedicated to helping individuals achieve freedom from alcohol and non-medically indicated drugs. Their approach centers on personal empowerment encouraging individuals to develop and strengthen their relationship to a sober self, creating to help maintain abstinence. Groups available online.

Face-to-face therapy: Counselling

You may start your exploration of your relationship with alcohol in a relationship directly with a counsellor familiar with addiction recovery. Sometimes individual counselling is a nice complement to support groups. Therapeutic alliance, ie how much you feel you fit with your counsellor, is a major factor in the success of your therapy, so shop around to find the right fit for you. RED DOOR offers addiction counselling for alcohol and substance misuse. If you’d like some more questions about the RED DOOR offering feel free to contact reception@reddoor.hk or WhatsApp 852-93785428.

About the Author.

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Angela has an interest in helping families and individuals with anxiety and depression. Sometimes drug and alcohol consumption is a component of those emotional challenges. You can feel better. Come in and talk to someone about it.

#reddoor #alcohol #alcoholdependence #alcoholrecovery #alcholicsanonymous #thecabin #oneyearnobeer #alcoholexperiment #thenakedmind #theunexpectedjoyofbeingsober #alcoholliedtome #girlwalksoutofabar #smartrecovery #pushingofffromhere #soberevolution #gloriousrockbottom #almostalcoholic #nothinggoodcancomefromthis.

The tradition of setting resolutions at the beginning of the New Year has a long history.  In the time of Caesar’s Rome, the Senate decided that the new year would begin on the 1^st January in reverence to that month’s name sake – the God Janus – the two-faced God who looks backward to the past and forward to the future at the same time. The Senate set the new intention for being kinder and more cooperative with each other when the new year began, and thus the tradition of  New Year resolutions was created.

I like the idea of resolutions simply because you consider and embrace the opportunity to introduce change into your life. If the COVID pandemic taught us anything, it would be that we can not control change ENFORCED on us, but we can control change that is INVITED by us. Invite some positive change into your life this year.

Setting resolutions may seem unrealistic. A few years ago I worked with one of HK’s leading market research teams, CSG, to explore what people intended for their resolutions.   Over 50 percent of the 900 people interviewed had set the same resolutions year after year. This might imply that they ‘failed’ last year to achieve their goal. So perhaps they should quit whilst they are ahead. We disagree.

Rather than seeing repeat resolution as a failure I feel it expresses determination to keep trying. As is often quoted (and attributed to several authors), it does not matter how many times you fall down, but rather how many times you get back up.

The only thing in life that is constant is change. It would be unrealistic to expect things to always stay the same. Resolutions allow you to invite change into your life on your terms. If you are going to experience change, why not accept that and invite the change that may create the biggest new opportunity, heal old hurts and invite the change that you have been searching for.

What happens if you fail in your resolution? You start well, but then your commitment tapers off. Don’t worry. Start again. If you slip up once or twice, or even twenty times. If you stay committed to what you want to accomplish, you’ll be proud of yourself in the end. And Chinese New Year is just around the courner, with a new invitation to invite change again.

Invite change. Invite growth. Happy New Year.

If you want help to achieve your new year goal our counsellors-in-training are here to help

New Year, New You: Transform 2026 into Your Best Year Yet!

*********************************************************************

For those of you interested in our original resolutions research –  I have included some of the results of the CSG/RED DOOR research in order for you to understand what goals other people set.

Summary of some of the research by CSG and Red Door

We conducted a survey with 400 Hong Kong affluent individuals and 500 Chinese affluent regarding the resolutions they have intend for 2017, and their commitment to achieving these resolutions. From the survey, 61% (Hong Kong) and 59% (Chinese) affluent adults has made resolutions for 2017.

1.  65% of women in Hong Kong made a resolution relative to only 57% men
2. The top 2 resolutions that women in Hong Kong made are:  Health & Fitness (68%) + Money (63%)
3. 80% of women in HK have concrete goals + time frames
4. Only 44% of these HK women made a new resolution
5. To achieve their resolution, they plan to do the following:
   1. Chart their success (43%)
   2. Make a change in their career (36%)
   3. Change a regular habit (35%)
   4. Change their look (32%)
6. They are making the resolution for themselves because 72% believed that they would be most impressed with the achievement of their resolution
7. 62% of the women in HK have made resolutions that involved a financial commitment
8. They are willing to spend an average of HKD5,210 in the first month

Data suggest that HK women are making more resolution than men and are committed to achieving their resolution with financial investment.

• There are some really good data for Chinese women that shows up a nice contrast to HK women.
• We have also provided data for different age groups which have interest trends for female who are 35 – 44 years old

This research was conducted at the end of 2017.

#reddoor #CSG #Newyearresolutions #positivechange #Newyear

Can we truly move on without forgiving? When healing from a hurt, the inevitable question arises: Is forgiveness a possible component of this process? Mental health professionals define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate choice to let go of resentment or vengeance toward those who have caused us harm.

You may have experienced betrayal in business, friendship, or family. You might have been bullied, physically harmed, or emotionally hurt by someone’s actions. Often, forgiveness can seem impossible to offer.

The Importance of Forgiveness

Psychologists promote forgiveness as a vital part of healing, a way to lighten the emotional burden you carry. Forgiveness is fundamentally for yourself, not for anyone else. Even if you recognize its importance, taking that step may still feel daunting.

Note: You are not obligated to forgive after a crime of violence. In such cases, prioritizing your self-forgiveness may be more important than forgiving others. For instance, discussing forgiveness in the context of sexual assault with a counsellor can be beneficial, but it should never feel like an obligation.

What Forgiveness is NOT

Understanding what forgiveness is NOT can clarify the process:

Forgiveness does not mean:

Forgetting the harm done.

Excusing or justifying the offender’s behaviour.

Reconciliation with the offender.

Denying that the hurt occurred.

Minimizing your pain or emotions.

Reinstating trust in the offender.

Viewing yourself as weak.

Allowing the offender to win by your suffering.

Why forgive?

Holding onto grievances can cost you mental peace of mind. Think of forgiveness as a gift to yourself. Empowering your offender by dwelling on the past can keep you stuck in suffering. Remember, holding someone accountable for their actions is not the same as blaming them for how you feel.

By releasing bitterness and resentments, you’ll no longer feel bound to the negative emotions associated with them. Acknowledge that you have the power to choose how you feel about a situation.

If you believe that forgiveness is indeed possible, let’s explore a step-by-step process to achieve it.

The Process of Forgiveness

Understanding that forgiveness is a journey can be liberating. There are four steps in this process, each requiring time and reflection on your situation and reactions.

Step 1: Detail Your Narrative

Write down the story of your grievance. This will help clarify not only what happened but also when, how it made you feel, and what you think the offender intended.

Reflection Prompts:

What makes this difficult to forgive?

What happened, including dates?

How has this made you feel?

How did it change your expectations of the offender and others?

Step 2: Identify Your Barriers to Forgiveness

Recognizing the barriers that prevent forgiveness is crucial. Keep track of your reasons not to forgive alongside your narrative. Reflect on the following:

Step 3: Reflections: Questions for Forgiveness

Ask yourself the following questions to reassess your pain and consider moving beyond it:

The following 8 reflections can be tackled in any order, and as slowly as you like. To rephrase the famous quote of Chinese philosopher, Lao Zi , “When I let go of what I am, {when I think about how I am being}, I become what I might be”.

1.Am I taking this too personally?

Consider if the offender’s actions were truly meant to harm you or if situational factors played a role.

The fundamental attribution error  is the tendency for people to over-emphasize dispositional, or personality-based explanations for behaviors observed in others while under-emphasizing situational explanations. At the same time, explaining their own behaviour one may have a tendency to allow a greater emphasis on situational elements.

2. Is it time to forgive?

Reflect on whether the grievance still affects you and if you’re ready to forgive.

3. What price do I pay for not forgiving?

Contemplate the emotional and mental costs of holding onto the hurt.

4. What benefits could I gain from giving forgiveness?

Consider how forgiving could lead to personal growth and emotional freedom.

5. Consider who needs to be forgiven?

Sometimes, forgiving yourself is the most important step.

6. How do I perceive forgiveness?

Reassess your beliefs about forgiveness and consider if they limit your ability to forgive.

7. What does winning look like for me??

Visualize what a positive outcome from this situation would be, independent of the offender.

8. What is within my power?

Acknowledge that you can control your feelings and the outcome of your healing journey..

Step 4: Re-write your narrative.

Once you’ve explored your grievance from various angles, rewrite your narrative. Empower yourself by recognizing that the offender’s actions may have been selfish rather than malicious. Remember, your obligation is to yourself and your emotional well-being.

If you find it challenging to move toward forgiveness, consider discussing your feelings with a counsellor. Give the forgiveness process a try—it can be applied to multiple offenses and may help you find the freedom from the heaviness of holding a grievance.

Give the forgiveness process a try. You can try it with multiple offences. You may find the freedom you seek from the heaviness that holding a grievance is weighing on you.

About the author

Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working out of RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Angela helps teens and adults overcome trauma, anxiety, learning and relationships challenges. To contact Angela for a session contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk or WhatsApp on +852-93785428

Christmas is often marketed as a magically transformative time—where old conflicts vanish, families embrace one another, and universal happiness reigns. However, these expectations can be both unrealistic and unhelpful.

We tend to romanticize Christmas, only to feel deflated when that elusive “Christmas miracle” fails to materialize. Instead of joyfully uniting, family members may regress into familiar roles, resurrect unresolved disputes, and, after a few drinks, conflicts can erupt.

To help you manage family dynamics this Christmas—and in future gatherings—consider these practical recommendations.

Before the Gatherings

• Communicate Expectations: Clearly discuss gift expectations and any contributions you anticipate from guests.
• Request a Family Ceasefire: Politely ask family members to refrain from bringing up past conflicts during the celebration.

At the Gatherings

• Set Schedule Boundaries: Establish clear start and end times for gatherings. This lets everyone know how long they need to navigate their emotions and when they can gracefully exit.
• Monitor Alcohol Consumption: Keep an eye on alcoholic drinks. Provide a variety of soft drinks to help manage sobering up, and ensure food is available early.
• Incorporate Breaks: Plan activities like walks or board games to break the day’s flow and redirect conversations if tensions begin to rise.
• Take Breaks When Needed: If you start to feel angry or sad, excuse yourself for a moment. Avoid consuming mood-altering substances during this time.
• Choose the Right Moment: If you’re hurt by a family member’s words, consider whether it’s the appropriate time or place to address the issue.
• Own Your Reactions: Remember, you are in control of your behaviour.
• Accept Imperfections: No gathering is without its awkward moments. If a disagreement occurs, don’t dwell on it; instead, suggest a “reset” and start fresh.

When Gatherings Aren’t Possible

Sometimes, family gatherings simply aren’t feasible. You may not feel safe or calm around your family of origin, even during the holidays. If you’ve become estranged, creating your own Christmas traditions can be a rewarding alternative.

Even when parents prioritize their children’s needs, divorce can necessitate new Christmas practices to minimize the pain of separation. In these cases, consider crafting your own expectations for the holiday.

Remember

There’s  no “right” way to celebrate Christmas. Families have unique practices, perspectives on gift-giving, and varying mealtime traditions. You and your family can design your own Christmas customs.

Collaboratively establishing Christmas traditions with your children reinforces their importance within the family and helps create new expectations that you can cherish. Ultimately, it’s your Christmas—celebrate it your way.