Divorce will change you. Some of the changes will be completely out of your control, especially in the early, chaotic days of a split. As you adjust to the process of divorce you have increasing opportunity to take more charge of some of the change that comes with divorce, riding the tides of change towards a new you, that is stronger, and maybe better than the one who started the divorce process. Would it feel better to know that you can come out of the process stronger than you went into the process?
Academic research on divorce indicates that whilst most people find the process of divorce difficult, they feel they become better versions of themselves after divorce.
Here are some of the waves of change that you may surf to your advantage during the divorce process.
Changing the “We” to “Me”
Married couples are often identify, and are identified, as a unit. If your marriage ends, are you still who you were? Many individuals find understanding who they are, even what they like, very difficult as a single individual. Much of this journey of self understanding may be long overdue and difficult because, for years, individuals may have neglected their own needs in order to be “the best partner they can be” in order to support their romantic partner’s needs or ambitions. When they marriage is declared to be over, you need to move your focus back to who you are, and who you could become.
Start with some of the basics. What do you like? What do you not like? List out your favourite foods, from your favourite things to do? Ask yourself, are these really your favourite things and activities or are your choices a reflection of who you have been in your relationship? If you don’t know your favourites, don’t be discouraged. It simply means that the exploration of finding out who you are, and who you want to be, might be a little more complicated. I advise you to consider a couple of sessions with an experienced divorce coach or counsellor who can help you find a path back to you you use to be, and who you’d might like to become.
Remember, you get to write the narrative of who you will be now. The process of defining what you would like to represent, what you would like to achieve, even what you would like to avoid or stop will lay out the first step, knowing where you want to be. Then we just need to start thinking further about how to get you there.
Write down for yourself:
1)What do I stand for? 2 What do I like about myself. 3) W are my key values and how can I live by them (this is where a counsellor can really help) and 4). What practices or attributes about myself would I like to leave behind?
Grieve
Spend some time allowing yourself to grieve. The end of the hope you had in the relationship. Grieve for the image of the family that you feel you once had.
Its okay to miss the “picture perfect” image you once held of your marriage and your family. It is especially hard when the internet if flooded with images of families celebrating happy times together. Please remember that many of those snapshots are not a real reflection of what is going on within those families.
Whilst you are entitled to your grief, try not to stay trapped in it. You can start to romanticize how things were, and how things “should be”. We tend to hold on to outdated stereotypes of marriage and family. There are many types of families and you need to start focusing on making the new version of your family into something that is healthy, robust, and rewarding. If you get too stuck in your grief for what you think you have lost, you may forget to build something new, different, and rewarding in a way that works for you as you evolve.
People miss the sense of belonging that family helped them feel. They forget that often that feeling of belonging came at at cost, or that the sense of belonging was fleeting. You can create a feeling of belonging again, you just need to start by letting go of the image of a “idealised marriage” or “perfect family” that you were holding on to.
Start something new
Many individuals may have taken a career break inside their marriage and as a consequence, feel out of practice in the world of work and with modern technological skills required to be part of the modern work force. Much of our identity is associated with our role as “stay at home parent”. Even if you want to remain a stay at home parent, I would advise you to start to learn something new as part of the divorce process. Not only can you update your academic knowledge, learning any new key skill will give you opportunities to meet new people, and regain confidence.
Embracing a new exciting change may feel unsettling as well as positive. That is normal. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. You don’t need to consider a change of career or taking on a full academic degree, consider taking up a new hobby, or a practical course, even changing some of your daily habits.
Taking care of yourself
Learn how to take care of yourself. Start by learning to talk to yourself kindly. For some individuals, critical acrimony has become familiar territory within their imploding and increasingly hostile marriage. Start by practicing being kind to yourself.
Every day, look at yourself in the mirror and say something kind to yourself. Stop the litany of “You should”, or “You didn’t” internal commentary. Start congratulating yourself for keeping your cool each day. Praise yourself when you complete a challenging task, even if it was replying to a rude email with a polite response.
Complete the phrase, “If I loved someone a lot I would do ________, _______ and ________, for them” Now consider doing those activities for yourself.
Build strong networks
Friendships and contacts are essential to help you navigate divorce. It is quite possible at the beginning of the divorce process that you had very few, many no friends who are divorced. Meeting other divorced parents and individuals will save you a lot of leg work, and provide, hopefully a few good shoulders to cry on during tough times.
Good friends help you get through divorce. Great friends become your family during, and after.
One group that, if you can find, will make a significant difference is a divorce support group. Support groups for individuals going through divorce help normalize some of the process, remove feelings of isolation, help you handle your feelings of shame or regret. If you are in Hong Kong, you can join the Iron Fairies. Information about the Iron Fairies is in one of the links below (See becoming a groupie).
Understand what you can and cannot change
This is a life lesson that is one of the toughest to accept in life, and from divorce. You can’t turn back time. Sometimes your ex-partner will become exactly the type of parent you would have liked them to be before you had to start to divorce. They may have been fairly absent before the divorce was decided and then, because of teh process they are seemingly in contention for “parent-of-the-year”. This can be very confusing. This may even tempt you to contemplate reconciliation.
You can’t change the past, the affairs, the hurtful words, the resentment. You can work to forgive that behaviour, so that it doesn’t keep you trapped in your anger. Letting go of the pain is a gift that you give yourself. You and your partner could, undoubtedly, have been better people before and during your divorce, but you don’t have to hold onto that if it doesn’t suit you.
Let go of your preferred divorce narrative
It can feel very important that others know that this divorce was “not your fault”, that your partner was to blame for the breakdown of your marriage. You won’t get to control all the messaging around the breakdown of your marriage, so please be prepared that some people may have a completely different view of the breakdown of your marriage than you would like them to have. Whilst you have the right to try to challenge this, within safe and sane parameters, it will be most healthy for you to appreciate that you won’t always get to control the story that is told. What is important is the values that you continue to live everyday.
What is comforting is that that most often, lies become apparent eventually. Please appreciate that this can take several years.
Consider your relationship with yourself and intimacy
Your marriage may have been your main source of touch and reassurance. If it breaks down you may want to consider how you could get your physical needs met. One mistake would be to jump into a new relationship very quickly. Its okay to have needs, think about how you could get those met without returning to your ex, or running into a new relationship before you are ready.
Divorce will change you. It may feel as if it could even break you. You can survive this emotional journey, and even possibly become the best version of you, you were scared to become inside of your marriage.
About the Author.
Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist who has spent the past 9 years guiding people through the emotional journey of divorce. In Hong Kong, Angela leads the Iron Fairies, a therapeutic support group for women going through divorce. For information about counselling with Angela and the Iron Fairies contact her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk.
Other blogs you may find interesting regarding the process of divorce:
If you want to find out more about group therapy whilst going through divorce, and the Iron Fairies therapeutic support group:
If you are trying to decide if you should stay or leave your marriage:
If you are starting the divorce process and want to avoid some common pitfalls:
If you have a friend going through divorce, and you want to be a good support to them:
Start your Red Door Journey 