The question is never if divorce will have an impact on your children, but rather if this impact will be minimal or significant.

Children can adjust to divorce with help.  An important element that determines if there will be long term negative consequences on your child will be your ability to which you can  collaboratively co-parent with your ex-partner. Afterall your marriage may have ended, but your love for your child continues.

Collaborative co-parenting is a practice where parents agree to parent in a discussed, organised and agreed manner, in order to minimise the negative impact of divorce on their child. This is possible even if they hold differing views on how to raise a child.

For families of divorce, children often become innocent victims of the tension and resentment between the parents. Collaborative co-parenting can change that situation by providing parents with constructive tools to use in building positive child custody and visitation plans.

The collaborative co-parenting approach means finding a way to work with your co-parent with dignity and respect. What was once a personal relationship changes and becomes more like a business relationship wherein both parties, necessarily,  set aside personal feelings for the benefit of the children. Collaborative co-parents learn to develop strategies for conflict management and to establish a stable routine for the children via a collaborative child custody and visitation parenting plan.

The backbone of collaborative co-parenting arrangements can be discussed with specialist counsellor or divorce mediators. When I work with divorced couples, I remind them that the collaborative co-parenting process focuses and assesses each parent around the best parent that they can be, rather than on hurting or scoring points against your ex-partner.

It is important to note that a collaborative co-parenting agreement is not legally enforceable but should be signed with honest intent as if it is a legal contract. Copies of the agreement can be held by each parent, and shared with relevant family members, including older children if this is done in a supportive manner.

A Collaborative Co-parenting process includes three main topics of discussion.

The first, and most importantly, is to agree on certain principles that parents are willing to adhere to. These principles provide a framework of you promising to be the parent your child needs you to be.

The second discussion focuses on setting up the logistics – such as how living arrangements are split, holidays agreed, ECAs discussed and decided.

The third section is often the most contentious, is about how finances will be allocated in order to support the child.

The arrangements are summarised into a collaborative co-parenting agreement to be signed by both parents.

The logistics and the finances need to be discussed within a framework that protects each parent, whilst stretching them to turn up as the best parents they can be. If you are struggling getting to an agreement, get help.

What I can easily share are some of the principles that I ask parents to consider when setting the framework of decisions. Ask yourself where you stand on the following topics – would you agree? If not, why not?

I agree to:

• Hold my children’s needs above my own territorial needs or desire for independence.
• I will take the adjustment required by divorce to rise to the occasion and be the best parent I can be to my children.
• My child’s emotional well-being and self-esteem are paramount and I will act in a manner that best supports my children.
• I will not over promise time, money, or effort in support of my child, and then under deliver on these promises.
• I will not use my child as confident, messenger, bill collector or a spy with my co-parent
• I will not withhold my child from their other parent. I understand that my child is entitled to have a positive relationship with both of their parents.
• I will abide by the rules of fair and practical time sharing and will make a serious effort to honour this agreement.
• I will communicate necessary changes in the schedule of child care with my co parent in advance. Any changes in the schedule will always be discussed with the other parent prior to informing the children.
• We agree to respect the other’s parenting style and discuss any concerns at agreed upon communication meetings.
• I promise not to only do fun things with our child, leaving hygiene, homework and day to day care explicitly to the other parent
• We agree to make arrangements which can be understood by our child and are sustainable.
• We agree to clearly communicate to our children our respect for their other parent.
• We will keep our child physically safe when they are in my care.
• We agree to reinforce to our children that time with their other parent is important.
• I will be mindful of my child’s need for a stable diet and sleep and not return them to their other parent over tired, unclean or poorly nourished.
• We agree to work on our problems as individuals privately and not in front of the children. We agree to allocate an agreed designated communication time, and involve professionals in this discussion if we can not reach and agreement on our own.
• We will agree to communicate to our children that no new romantic partners will be introduced to them in meetings that have not been agreed by the other co parent.
• We agree to speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child.
• When we are with our child, we will be focused on spending quality time with that child, and not primarily engaged in another activity (drinking with friends, attending meetings) as agreed.
• We agree that the child can display photos of both parents in their bedroom.
• We agree to collaboratively set behavioural guidelines of expectations of our children in front of step parents, relatives, etc.
• We agree that we will not consume alcohol at all/ become intoxicated in front of the children. Drug consumption at any time, prior to or during child care time is not tolerated within this agreement.
• We agree to only leave our children with agreed third party caregivers and with the other parent’s agreement.
• We agree to both collaborate in our child’s school meetings.
• I agree to honour our arrangements about financial support of children and will not withhold this support from the co-parent.

These principles are designed around best parenting practices. Are you ready to be the best parent you can be, as you divorce?

Remember one day your child will be an adult, and will probably tell their romantic partner about your divorce from their perspective. Imagine the script you want them to detail. For example,

“I know my Mum was hurt by the divorce, but I was always so impressed that she always attended my personal events – school shows, birthday parties – with my father, so that I felt that I was the priority.”

” I wasn’t happy when my parents told me that their relationship was over, but my Dad always helped me buy presents for my Mum for her birthday and Mother’s day, he didn’t just stop caring for her as my parent, when their romantic relationship was over”.

How will you behave? What story will your child say about you in a few years time? Even more reason to be the best parent you can be.

About the author  of this blog. Angela Watkins is a counsellor working with couples – individually and together –  helping them build safe, supportive parenting practices and respectful relationships as they work through challenges including marital split.

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Note: an earlier version of this article was previously published in July 2020. This article has been significantly updated since that time. The latest version of this article is from September 2024.