Over the past 7 years I’ve supported a lot of individuals, particularly women, as they proceed through divorce. As a relationship counsellor I also work to help couples who wish to avoid the divorce process. I’ve learnt a thing or two about what makes the ending of a marriage better, or worse, for the parties involved. Its hard to watch people make mistakes in this journey, choosing actions that often make emotional recovery harder in the long run. If you are willing to learn the mistakes to avoid, here are some of  missteps that we encounter in helping navigating the divorce process.

Misstep 1: not being aware of your rights

Seeing a lawyer is expensive. However not knowing your rights in a divorce is a potential landmine. Without decent legal advice you run the risk of receiving careless and incorrect information about what you can negotiate in a divorce. Do not be threatened by your ex that, “We don’t need to use lawyers, we can just do this ourselves”. Often such statements precede unfair negotiations. Knowing your rights is your right, and is a must.

Misstep 2: Accepting divorce advice from your ex-partner instead of a professional

I’ve lost count of the number of times I encounter clients who accept what their ex-partner tells them what they are entitled to in a divorce. Your soon to be ex-partner does not get to define what your divorce outcome will look like.  This is particularly an issue in codependent relationships where one partner is used to listening to the advice or demands of their romantic partner without challenge. Seek legal advice. An initial consultation should suffice for you to better understand what you are entitled to fight for, and if it is in your interests to do so.

Misstep 3. Not considering or committing to couples counselling

As a couples’ counsellor we often encounter couples trying to decide if they should divorce or stay together. Counselling can help repair your relationship, in certain circumstances and it looks good to the court if you have tried to repair your relationship.

If you are BOTH willing to do the work, relationships CAN recover.

Relationships cannot recover when there is an ongoing affair or one party is continuing the divorce process at the same time as the counselling process. You can’t amputate a leg and reattach it at the same time. Coming to counselling to collect dirt on your partner does not work. Experienced couple counsellors will see through those tactics, and will often call them out. Counselling is used to see if sincere recovery can be made.

Misstep 4. Telegraphing your wants instead of negotiating.

It may sound contradictory to not communicate what you want out of your divorce. It is important that you don’t show “all your cards” until you are ready to make a deal.

The process of divorce is essentially a negotiation. In any negotiation you want to know what your adversary wants, before you let them what you want as part of your divorce settlements.

It may seem tempting to explain, “I just want a basic settlement and full custody of the kids”. But if you do this, you will have just told your ex what matters to you most. Do yourself a favor. Learn about negotiation skills, as if your life depended on it. Because your lifestyle going forward, does. I particularly like the teachings of Chris Voss on negotiation, and have clients who have used the Chris Voss negotiation techniques to break the patterns of fruitless negotiations that they had fallen into.

Misstep 5: Jumping into a new relationship too quickly.

The feelings of rejection often associated with divorce can be extremely painful. It can be tempting to avoid those feelings by jumping into a new relationship as fast as possible. This is a misstep.

Firstly, you need to heal from your previous relationship, not simply avoid the pain. I know this sucks.

Secondly, the impact of a new relationship can influence your negotiations in your divorce. If you have a partner who could be assumed to be paying some of your rent may impact your financial settlements.

Thirdly, children may be negatively impacted by your new relationship. It can be tempting, if you’ve fallen in love with another person, to rush into playing “happy families” with your children and your new partner. You chose your new partner. Your children didn’t. Sometimes children see the new partner as the reason for your marital breakdown, even if this wasn’t the case.

Resist the temptation to involve your new partner in your children’s lives, and even better, take a break from dating in the early months of your divorce.

Misstep 6: continue the conflict communications rather than seeking distance.

If you have had a relationship that has been full of conflict, and if you are used to constant conflict, you might be tempted to continue your continual arguments throughout your divorce process. I would argue, that it might be wise to explore an alternative to constant fighting.

If you had got along with your ex-partner, you probably wouldn’t be divorcing them. The declaration to divorce, can mean that you can STOP fighting. It takes only one party to stop fighting. Just stop. This might mean blocking your ex-partner, so that you don’t communicate with them, except through your lawyers, or only via slower communication channels such as email rather than immediate messaging platforms such a WhatsApp.

Involving your lawyers in all of your interpersonal conflict is a double-edged sword. You may need to use your lawyer to tell your partner to stop harassing you. But if you want the fighting to stop, you have to also agree to stop communicating with your ex-partner. Using third parties or apps to communicate such a parent coordinator person or app (such as the Family Wizard) can help break the cycle of conflict communication.

Misstep 7: Triangulation of children

It is very tempting to involve your children in your divorce. Bringing your child into divorce understanding or negotiations happens fairly often. After all, you are hurting and it would be helpful to you if they can see how much pain your ex-partner is causing you. This is a mistake. Your child is entitled to continue to enjoy their parental relationship without your experience influencing their view of their parent.

You don’t win if you turn your child against their other parent. All that happens is that your child loses. They lose the impact of that parent in their life, rather than the impact of your ex-romantic partner on you. They may begin to feel responsible for your emotional state – a reversal of the parent child relationship. Additional triangulation does not pay often pay in the long run. As children mature they will start to observe and appraise your behaviour throughout your divorce.  Later on, children do not appreciate the perception of being manipulated during divorce and this can be one of the reasons that they become estranged from their parents when they grow into adulthood.

You don’t have to hide your pain from your child. Be mindful not to involve them in understanding your pain to the extent that they feel obligated to champion of you. It isn’t fair. It isn’t healthy, for your children. They deserve to have two parents to love if this is being offered.  

Misstep 8: Allowing others to define your value.

Those going through the divorce process can feel diminished. Their marriage is over. This often feels bad, and it is common to feel feel like you have “failed”. Your ex-partner may extend those feelings of failure by telling you that the reason your marriage failed is because of your personal “failings”. They may even feel entitled to judge your competence as a parent.

Most of the women in our support group have been told that they are bad mothers. In every case I’ve encountered such accusations appear grossly misplaced. For those vulnerable individuals, being judged so harshly by their ex-partner can really be a blow. Remember these commentaries are often a  tactic to make you feel bad, and not based in reality. Especially the reality of your children.  You need to know your value, financially and personally.

It is time for you to know your value for yourself. Your value as a person is NOT determined by your ex, or anyone else besides yourself. Its time for you to work on you, so that you know who you are. Don’t let anyone else attempt to define your value. This is an area that people often seek counselling to help them overcome.

Misstep 9: Bad habits lead to compromised ability to cope, and vice versa.

Habits help build your health and over the long term determine how well you can navigate the divorce process. Regular self-medication, especially through alcohol, will erode your ability to cope. Conversely taking a positive approach to habits and your health at this time will be extremely helpful. Exercise, rest, sleep, eat healthily, all of these will help you better survive what is an incredibly stressful life event.

Misstep 10: Doing it alone.

Whilst many people feel ashamed that divorce is happening, the worse thing you can do is feel ashamed and remove yourself from support.

Even I have been delightfully surprised by the amazing value of group support during divorce.  Iron Fairies, our therapeutic support group for women going through divorce is seen as an amazing resource by all of the active members. Each of the women in the Iron Fairies is navigating their own divorce journey, and may feel trapped by their personal struggles, but at the same time, understand the challenges faced by other women, and amazingly suggest creative pathways forward for others, even when they feel ‘stuck’. Being able to help others, reminds group members that we all feel undone sometimes and that we can eventually navigate through these very uncomfortable circumstances. Having a friendly group to vent to can be extremely cathartic, especially if one of the expectations of that group is that you will continue your journey forward, at a glacial or racing pace.

Misstep 11: Wrongful resource allocation

There are a number of resources that you may involve in your divorce journey including a financial adviser, a lawyer, an accountant, a counsellor, a mediator, your family, a support group, and friends. It will be an expensive waste of time to use your lawyer as your counsellor. At a typical cost of USD 1000 per hour, you want to use your time consulting your lawyer as cleverly as possible. Save your crying time for friends, a support group, or a counsellor.

Additionally, divorce is a topic that many people have experience of, and have opinions about. Legal advice from friends can be completely wrong. They have no real obligation to ensure that the action or information they give you is in support of your rights. Please check your legal position with legal professionals.

Misstep 12: Allowing drama to impede or knock you off course.

It is quite possible that you ex will try to get you to delay or even stop the divorce process. Not because they want to reconcile, but because they want to delay or derail the divorce process for their own personal, and sometimes, financial ends. It takes quite a while for people to decide that they need to divorce their partner. Once this decision is made, please try to keep the divorce process moving forward.

You ex may try to delay you by making deals or threats such as, “Let’s meet and see if we can work this out between ourselves”, or, “If you proceed with the divorce I will do x, y, z.”. Ex- partners may try to derail the process by blowing up bombs to distract you from the momentum of divorce. For example, they may accuse you of having affairs, or acting in harassing fashion, or even being a poor parent. Don’t fall for these distractions if they are unfounded.

Once you have made this difficult decision to end your marriage, move steadily towards the exit. You can master the change that needs to happen, rather than allowing your ex-partner’s agenda to master you.

You CAN survive the divorce process. Especially if you avoid some of the pitfalls that make the journey more challenging.