How highly do you rate the communications within your romantic relationship? How well do you rate your own ability to communicate? I’ve been a couples’ counsellor for more than 7 years, and in this article, I am happy to share 5 principles that I’ve seen and learned that will improve your communication bond.

Communication is not just a component of your relationship; it is the one of the greatest diagnostics predicting the success of your relationship. Couples who have conversations that include contempt or criticism, are more likely to experience relationship failure. What can couples do to improve or establish positive communication patterns in their relationships?

Be Curious/Be Generous.

When couples come to counselling one of the regular traits that we, as counsellors see, is a lack of generosity when describing each other’s behaviours. One partner often tells us what their partner thinks and why they do the things they do. When we challenge these perceptions, they are revealed as just that, perceptions rather than realty. Why do we jump to these conclusions, thinking that our partners thoughts and actions are constructed to cause us injury? Firstly, one reason is that  we have lost curiosity about what our partner is really thinking. We jump to conclusions instead. And then, secondly, because we jump to conclusions, we assume motive. Often acts that upset us were not conducted as a means to deliberately hurt one another. Often hurt occurs out of lack of thought, or neglect of feelings, or concern for own needs. There isn’t a specific malicious intent.

Ask rather than assume. Be curious to explore what your partner is thinking. Be generous when considering their motivations.

It’s our commitment to being curious rather than correct in a situation, that allows partners to turn towards each other rather than turn away from each other. This process is referred to attunement. You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your romantic partner as well as sharing your inner world. It is exciting when we practice and receive love through the process of attunement. This helps couples greatly improve their communication, and their relationships.

You don’t have to “totally relate” and agree with your partner. Simply showing your partner that you are willing to listen and understand, rather than judge can change the dynamic of your relationship.

Feeling accepted by one’s partner is a substantial gift. Acceptance by your partner goes a long way towards building a sense of “we” as a couple. When we listen and understand our partner, we model acceptance.

Bring your best self to your communications with your partner

Unfortunately, we often present the calmest, warmest, most rational versions of ourselves to complete (and sometimes unimportant) strangers, whilst our romantic partners see the worst of us. When you stand back from the relationships in your life, who gets the best version of you?

When we give our romantic partners the best versions of ourselves being curious and generous may become a bit easier to do.

When you are being your best self with people are you critical? With our partners it helps to dial down your criticism. Definitely stop using insults. When you do feel the need to address your partners behaviours avoid comments that use the term “You”, rather make I statements. I statements saying “I want, I fear, I feel”, help you express yourself empathetically with emotional awareness. Avoid saying “I think”.

Remember that constructive criticism focuses on actions, and data, rather than sweeping character judgements.  If you have a tendency to jump to conclusions about the motivations of your partner, I encourage you to talk about what you see going on, without your assumptions. Collect data on how often an event occurs. This helps you avoid the destructively descriptives of “always” and “never” which often lead partners to feel defensive. When we say, “You never take out the rubbish”, you have not acknowledged the one time your partner did. If you want to ask for help, ask for help, and give proper data.

When you are the best version of yourself, could you consider praising behaviours that you want to experience more frequently rather than criticising behaviours that bother you. Saying something like, “I really appreciated that you listened to me last night when I told you about my problems at work. I’d feel valued if you could do that more often”, rather than “You listened to my work problems for one whole minute, why can’t you be more supportive”.

Understand that conflict is normal, and you can respond to conflict in a healthy fashion.

Many couples believe that conflicts are actually a reality of relationships. Conflicts are not a sign that you have married or partnered with the wrong person. Rather, conflict teach us how to love, support and encourage each other.

According to the Gottman Institute, the landmark couples therapy programme in the US, the difference between masterful, successful couples, and those who break up, is how they deal with conflicts that occur in their relationships. Successful couples treat their partners as friends with respect and warmth, starting difficult conversations with soft start ups and attune to their partners’ dialogue.

You don’t have to win a fight, rather see the issue that you are fighting about as external to your relationship. There is you, and your partner, facing the problem. When the problem becomes external to you personally you can step away from a point scoring mentality. Rather than winning you can explore issues and allow your partner to contribute, and perhaps even influence you. You might agree to meet in the middle on an issue, meet on their side, or even meet on it later, when you are able to resolve an issue in a calmer fashion. We can be flexible, we can negotiate. When we treat conflicts as external problems for our team of “We” to be solved, the relationship wins. Glorify the struggle as problem that “we” can solve.

Accentuate the positive.

Sometimes couples can become trapped in negative communication cycles after a conflict. To break this cycle, and even improve the general temperature in your relationship, commit yourself to focusing on the positive practices for a day, or a week.

Successful couples communicate more positively than negatively. The Gottman Institute (see books by John Gottman below) suggest that successful couples communicate positive sentiments at least, 5 x more than the communicate negative sentiment. Sometimes even more.

A dedicated period of positive communication, both verbal and non-verbally, helps repair some of the hurt in a relationship. If you and your partner can commit to even 24 hours of positive communication, you may see a significant shift in your perception about your relationship.

During that day try to share compliments and appreciation for the actions of your partner. Express fondness. It will help if both of you commit to this exercise. In session, we often see couples waiting for their partner to ‘go first’.

Talk Less

When you are talking during a period of conflict, or negotiation, consider talking less. Overtalking on your part can lead to under listening from your partner. When you are talking with your partner, try to make your point in 3 sentences or less. Focus on understanding their perspective rather than getting the result you want. Remember the main goal is to improve your relationship, rather than win an argument.

In order to talk less you need to firstly stay focused on the issue at hand. Don’t kitchen sink during a discussion. Kitchen sinking is a form of complaining where one of the partners decides to ‘throw everything in but the kitchen sink’, meaning every time an argument happens, they decide to list out every complaint and mistakes of their partners. This technique is tempting to use when winning becomes more important that resolution.

Secondly, try to really listen. Try empathetic listening (for more see the book, I hear you).. Empathetic listening happens when we listen with curiously, we give our full attention, invite your partner to open up, observe their verbal and non-verbal communicative tools, encourage our partners to continue talking, and offer validation on their experience.

Listening is not just about hearing and repeating what your partner says, it is about validating what has been said. Offering validation involves demonstrating that you understand your partners’ experiences. You might say something like, “I can see why you felt that way in that situation”, or “I think a lot of people would feel as you do in these circumstances”. Try to stay focused on understanding your partner’s experience. Try not to jump into “fixing” mode, or matching (or surpassing) with an example from your own life.

You don’t have to be silent. Balance in conversations is important. If you feel that your partner talks a lot more than you do, you can ask if you can set a 1-minute timer to talk. This might help both of you focus on your messaging. Remember, keep it kind.

Our romantic relationships are important. Often, we just expect, because there is love, that communication will be easy. Good communication takes work. Make the investment, it pays significant dividends.

About the author. Angela Watkins is an experienced couple’s counsellor working out of Red Door Counselling in Hong Kong. To contact Angela to talk about your relationship email her at Angelaw@reddoor.hk

Useful books if you want to learn more about communication in your romantic relationship:

• Chapman. G.  (2010) Things I wish I’d known before we got married.
• Gottman, J., & Schwartz Gottman, J. (2018). Eight Dates – Essential conversations for a lifetime of love.
• Gottman, J & Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work.
• Lerner, H. (2012) Marriage rules: A manual for the married and coupled up.
• Richo, D. (2021) How to be an adult in relationships – the five keys to mindful loving.
• Sorensen, M. S. (2017) I hear you: The surprising simple skill behind extraordinary relationships.