As a therapist of individuals and couples, I have read copius books about relationships, and how individuals act within them. In this blog I highlight my 5 favourite books I recommend to deepen the relationship of couples. as well as my current 5 most endorsed references to help individuals better understand their role in their relationships (past and present).

We often spend more time ensuring that we are good employees, than good partners. Take some time to invest in improving your connection to your partner, and your own responsibility, motivations and agency within relationships.

5 Books that will help you strengthen the bond in your romantic relationship.

Whilst some of these books are primarily aimed at married couples, they will also be of help for any couple who are in a serious relationship. Most of these books are written with hetrosexual couples as their examples, but many outtakes will  also be helpful for same-sex couples.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman.

The Gottmans – John and Julie – are the landmark marriage counselling trainers and theorists (see www.Gottman.com). Their fourty years of relationship counselling experience has culminated in their Sound Relationship House model of what makes love last. This model aims to help couples build the positive attributes in marriage (shared meaning, admiration, friendship, understanding) and minimise those activities that compromise and rob the marriage of joy and contentment, which are often on full display when lovers are in conflict.

.There is a plethora of books written by the Gottmans, particularly scholar John Gottman. Most of these books are based on the Gottman model and activities within it. The reason that I recommend this book is that I believe it is the best written of (many) books, and easier to understand. There are helpful exercises to help build mutual understanding, express yourself and your needs, fight fair and repair hurts.

Other great Gottman books to consider – 8 Dates, The Relationship Cure, What makes love last, and, And Baby makes three.

Marriage Rules: A manual for the married and the coupled up. Harriet Lerner

Clinical Psychologist Harriet Lerner is a prolific writer. This book is different from the rest of her publications (see Dance of Intimacy below) in that it is a practical guide for couples. Delivered in the voice of a good friend, a lot of what Dr. Lerner has to say, just makes good sense.

Since the book is presented as a list of “rules”, you can simply skip over those which aren’t applicable to your current relationship situation.

Mating in Captivity – Ester Perel

Esther Perel takes on the questions that couples that have been together for a while frequently avoid – how do we navigate the union of domesticity and sexual desire.

Many couples in therapy express the loss of physical intimacy as a reason for their relationship dissatisfaction. This book takes on bedroom dynamics and promises to liberate and energize your sexual connection.

201 Relationship Questions – Barrie Davenport.

Barrie Davenport is a coach rather than a marriage therapist – something you need to know before you buy and use this book. As such he has created a book that asks many provoking questions that therapists may prefer to ask in session, rather than in the real world. If your relationship is in crisis this is NOT the book for you. Sometimes topics such as how we feel about extended family, and previous relationships are best handled in a supportive, mediated environment.

However, if you feel your relationship is on pretty solid ground, these questions are a great way to see where you and your partner connect – and potentially clash. Understanding and appreciating your partners’ world view is essential to building a long term, satisfactory relationship.

If you are looking for a more mild safe set of questions the Gottmans (above) have question packs available on their website.

The Dance of Intimacy – Harriet Lerner

Fixing a relationship is an act of teamwork. However, one person’s willingness to model their intimacy may well inspire the other to embrace authentic change as well. Harriet Lerner has produced a litany of “Dance of ___ ” books, all of which I recommend. Whilst the intimacy book is an oldie, it’s still great and packed with several commendale and well considered recommendations.

See also the Dance of Anger, the Dance of Fear.

5 Books that will help you better understand yourself in romantic relationships

Some people have the same, or strikingly similar relationships, with the same painful outcome, again and again. The following 5 books may be of help to highlight your thinking patterns, your needs and preferences so that, should you wish for a romantic relationship again, the experience could be different.

Attached. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Talking about attachment theory in relationships is quite the popular psychology topic these days. Recognizing your attachment style is one way to understand and predict your behaviours within a romantic relationship.

We know that attachment styles influence a variety of interpersonal relationship behaviours including- feeling constantly anxious about the commitment of your partner, jealousy, avoiding closeness, and punishing your partner with silence.
This book is a great one on this topic – very interesting with practical insights.

The 5 love languages – Gary Chapman.

The 5 love languages has become part of our popular culture. It will serve you well to understand the love you want and the love you give. If you have been giving friends gifts that don’t seem appreciated, if you have ever received the complaint, “you just don’t make time for us”, then this book is for you.

Essentially people give and receive love differently. Chapman identifies the 5 landmark manners that people like to receive “love”. These languages are physical touch, verbal affirmations, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. Whilst other authors have tried to add more love languages, I still mainly recommend the OG version of the hypothesis because Chapman’s explanation makes the most sense, and has associated online tools to easily help identify your style.

A lot of communication intended to be kind within relationships present missed opportunities. Because we perfer to give love in OUR love language, we are often talking past our partner rather than communicating to them. It is also extremely helpful for us to discuss love languages to our partners – tell them if small gifts go a long way to helping you feel special.

Understanding love languages is not just for romantic relationships – it can be useful within friendships and families as well. For example, I have also assessed my children – one needs verbal affirmations – the other wants gifts.

Recently Gary Chapman has released the 5 apology languages. This is helpful to know about yourself and others and can help to repair relationships when there is conflict.

Getting past your breakup- Susan Elliot

Whilst this is primarily aimed at those suffering from the breakdown of a marriage, anyone who has been scared by a breakup can benefit from the lessons it covers. I love that it highlights that the loss that we feel when a relationship end can help be galvanized into a learning opportunity to shape our future.

The book tackles what to do about the feelings of loss, being stuck attached to old partners, self-compassion and self-reflective exercises, and inventory checks to get your mojo and your future relationship prospects back on track.

Daring Greatly – Brené Brown

Thought leader Brené Brown is another prolific self-help author. Daring Greatly may not be her greatest book, but it is the most focused on how we are in relationships. Essentially Brown suggests that we are restricted by our fear of being shamed to become the authentic, vulnerable and brave individuals that we need to be – in love, at work and in life. We hold ourselves back from saying what we want, asking for what we need, and asking others to reciprocate our affection. When we dare greatly, shed off our shame, we can achieve the deeper, richer relationships that we crave.

All about Love – Bell Hooks

This thought provoking philosophical book can be quite heavy reading. Its not the kind of book you read in a single sitting. Hook considers what it means to expect love, and what happens when we are denied love, in our familial and romantic relationships. She reviews how love is expressed – through duty, affection and acts of obligation.

We are raised to need love, but sometimes it slips past us. What happens when we are denied the love we need, and what can we do to recover the pain that remains.

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. I hope you take some time to invest time to better understand what has shaped your concepts of love, your practice of love, and how you deliver love.