We can’t, as parents of teenagers, simply prohibit them being on the internet, and it’s almost impossible to out-maneuver an internet savvy teen, so I suggest that, instead,  you work collaboratively with them to keep them safe and protect their self-esteem.

Much of the advice that you will find on the internet aims to help parents better control their child’s interactions on the internet. Today’s teens are actually well informed about internet risks, but you can help them do better to keep their reputation safe, watch your wallet, and keep them out of trouble.

Teens are distinctively different than children.  What I propose for teens is not what I propose for children. Once your child enters the teen years independence online, and offline, becomes a continual negotiation.

In the era when school had become a completely online experience, it became counterproductive to try to set boundaries that apply “outside school hours” when they actually can achieve unlimited internet access all day.

Teens social media lives raise a plethora of issues that teens can learn to navigate in collaboration with their parents. In order to collaborate with your teen, please suspend your desire to dictate the decisions and agenda. Allow discussion and negotiation to occur, and most importantly, listen to what the ideas that your teen has in mind.  Open, non-judgmental communication is going to be your greatest asset. The teen years for parents are about conceding any desire to control your child to protect them.

Talk with your teen about what they think is ok to post on social media about their lives. You may need to negotiate with them. And you may lose this discussion. Be really compared to compromise, in order to be able to remain in access.

 My own teen posts photos that I consider “too sexy”. I had to think about what I was really doing trying to control her online image. Do I think she is being too sexy in her behaviour? Was my perception of how she looked attached to my social values about what teens should look like? I don’t necessarily agree with her posts, but I know what she is like in real life. We often laugh about where the “other half” of her outfit is in a photo. But I’m allowed to look at those photos and I can see what people say to her about her shots, and most of it is a celebration of how cool she is, rather than the creepy boogeyman that I anticipated.

That said we have to also acknowledge that social media also influences how teens, particularly young women, see themselves in comparison to others. The internet can hold a strong influence over teen’s self-esteem. This use to be a situation exacerbated by magazines. Teens now have exposure to thousands of touched up, fake lives and stories every day. Talking to teens about how “real” their profile is, and how real the lives of other people’s lives are online has become an essential part of our current lifestyle. Ask quite openly, do you feel better or worse about yourself after looking through other people’s Instagram pages? I often ask teens to assess what “perfect” is on the internet. The internet communicates completely contradictory values and advice. It is important that teens come to recognise that a concept of perfect is an illusionary, often messed up, construct.

Social media is a key component of teens’ social lives. Looking for new contacts on Snapchat and Instagram has allowed our teens to develop friends outside of their school year group, at different schools, in different parts of the city. Additionally some teens who feel as if they are members of marginalised groups, often find great support online. Usually, we would encourage this type of diversification of friendship. Having friends outside of your schoolmates is recommended, especially for girls who seem to practice and experience exclusion on a regular basis.

But don’t simply befriend everyone and anyone. Discuss some parameters with your teen. What kind of age range is sensible for them to talk with? For my own teen a general 18 month to 2-year age gap guideline applies. For younger teenagers, this range might be too broad, perhaps in the same year group might be a more appropriate guideline. Kids want the power to choose, so letting them negotiate some of ranges around age, area, and such, might be helpful. It might feel tempting to ban members of the opposite sex, or potential romantic partners, but I suspect this may lead to secrecy and dishonesty rather than compliance.

What I do encourage is that teens have the chance, in groups, to meet the people that they talk to online, in real life. When counselling teens, I often get the sense of how close many of those online relationships feel to teenagers. Often teens feel like they can talk more openly and deeply with people on the internet that they have never met in real life. But try to convert those friendships to situations in real life. Online friends can be extremely volatile, can easily change from being positive to being at odds with your teen’s point of view, not to mention be deceitful in content.  Talk with your teen about what they like about their online vs offline friends. So then, they can start to become aware of the advantages of in life friendships, and online friendships so that both can be explored.

I recommend that you encourage your teen to is making decisions about their profile by themselves, not in response to other people’s ideas, including your own. Peer pressure to post controversial content is more common than you might imagine.  Talking to your teen about what good friends expect and ask of them, and what they are comfortable communicating as a representation of who they are, will help.

Which brings us to bullying. Bullying on the internet is prolific. Your child’s school will have a policy on this behaviour, and may even involve the police depending on the act. Your child will, undoubtedly, be able to recount a story of internet bullying that they heard about at their school. Ask them about it. Rather than simply laying out the “rightness” or “wrongness” of a situation, ask them what made a bully act in a particular manner, what was their agenda, why would they want others to feel a particular way? By asking these more provoking questions rather than judging the act as good and bad, they may be able to see the human vulnerabilities that lead to people acting carelessly online. Understanding the situation will better help them avoid that situation.   

Ask your child if they sometimes get contacted by people who make them feel uncomfortable, and ask what they have done about this. Kids these days are aware of those creeps, but they may not know what to do. Ask them to talk to their friends about setting boundaries. Teens can actually get good advice, and horror stories to learn from, from other teens. My teen simply blocks anyone who gives her a weird vibe. When we discussed it further, that weird vibe was people she didn’t know contacting her out of the blue, just wanting to get to know her. Most of her contacts are friends of friends, and she will ask those friends for more background information to ascertain if that new contact is someone she might want to talk to, or not. Talk to your child about what makes them consider blocking, and reinforce their careful decisions.

We need to also talk about vent pages. Vent pages are used by teens as a way to “vent” their anxiety and pain. Teens who vent online may often learn to regret this choice. Not only do those vents become part of their online reputation, they can actually become stressful to others. Sometimes teems may forget that these pages are triggering for other people. Saying you want to “disappear” or harm yourself will upset others. This can, and has for more than one of my teen clients, ended in serious trouble. So, whilst I am a big believer in helping teens express themselves, I am also about finding appropriate avenues to do this. Encourage an old fashioned diary instead, but then- do not snoop through it.

The teen years are such an interesting time, and independence is the goal of this period. Negotiating internet safety with your teen rather than enforcing the rules, can be one way to navigate this important period of change. There is always a chance that your teen will find themselves being hurt, or in hot water, because of their internet behaviour. This is the same offline. Open, non judgemental communication helps to set the path for better protection, and future forum for collaboration. Good luck

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens to improve their mental health. She also works with families and adult clients. You can contact Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk.

We have three teen focused counsellors at RED DOOR – Angela, Tanya and Kirsteen.

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#internetsafety

#parenting

#bullying