In the words of Drag Goddess, Ru Paul Charles, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?” As a counsellor, I’ve met so many people who dedicated to demonstrating their love of others, but do not seem to demonstrate love of themselves.

When we celebrate love, prioritize to give yourself love first.

What is self-love?

Practicing self-love means ensuring that you invest enough time and energy in yourself to make sure you have enough love in your life, are kind to yourself, and are grateful for all that you have achieved in life. Sounds easy, right? Now you know this, you can wake up from the trance of unworthiness. Yet it seems so much other to love others ahead of loving ourselves.

What prevents us practicing Self-Love?

Ain’t got time for that.

You are in control of your time, so if you think that you don’t have the time for self-love, I would ask you to challenge how you have chosen to spend your time. How is it allocated? Could you give up scrolling the internet in order to create time for self-love? Could you give up your late-night TV watching?

It is important that you create time for your goals, including the goal to love yourself first. Reallocate your time, delegate tasks to others, challenge what you believe are your priorities so that you create time to prioritise yourself. I remember when my first daughter was born. She was my beautiful dolly. Each day I would take great care in the outfits she would wear out. One day my husband needed to look after her instead of me. He sent me a photo of them at the playground. Was my daughter really out, in public, in her pyjamas? The horror! In reality she was having fun, and he was being a great dad. The outtake was a gift, relax about her wardrobe. It was a priority which, really, wasn’t important.

Putting others, probably everyone else, first.

Running yourself ragged in order to look after everyone else is a recipe for disaster. Burning yourself out, just so you can have a rest, is a little extreme. An audit of your time may raise if you are performing activities only because of other’s expectations rather than for your own benefit. Are you a people pleaser? I want you to challenge this default. You do not need to be class mum! You do not need to pick up other people’s kids. Say no, move on, let go. Remember that in order to take care of others, you need to first take care of yourself.

Why do we do this? This dedication to others is a trap. People want proof of life that they exist. When people call on you, you may feel recognised, required, even, important. In reality your sense of self-worth can only be filled from within. On their deathbed, the dying do not regret completing that last load of dishes, they regret not pursuing their dreams or spending time with people they love. Not doing the to do list set by others.

Self-love is different from being entitled. When a person feels entitled, they believe that something should be theirs, even without effort or merit. This is not the same as recognising and acknowledging your self-worth and setting expectations accordingly.

Oh, the shame!

You may be embarrassed that self-love could be your goal. People tend not to praise other’s self-care achievements. “Look at Claire taking a break – go girl”. “Wow John, good for you that you got yourself a massage to relieve the stress in your shoulders.” Life is too short for you to be concerned with what anyone else thinks.

We are ashamed when we take care of ourselves – this is a trap. Let go of the belief that if you want to take care of yourself that there is something wrong with you. It is important that you preserve and protect the greatest asset that you possess – you.

When I love myself enough.

I find one way to tackle the topic of self-love with clients is to ask them to articulate some of the things they would do differently when they love themselves enough. Some of the common elements of self-love include:

Accept that you have goals.

It is important that you accept the types of person that you may need to be in order to achieve your goals. Many women, in the past, have been criticised for being ambitious. Don’t be embarrassed if you have a goal. When we love ourselves enough, we prioritise our development. We follow our dreams and work to free ourselves of the shackles of shame that others may try to impose.

Prioritising your goals.

Part of a self-love routine is to set your priorities around your life goals rather than concepts of ‘urgency”. Stephen Covey in this instrumental book, the Seven Habits, outlines a method to help prioritize tasks/activities into quadrants. I have adapted this slightly in the figure on the left. We all understand the concept of urgency. The concept of importance is somewhat trickier to clarify, and you may benefit from talking to a coach our counsellor about this. For a task to be important it needs to help achieve a value for which you want to be recognised. For example, if you want to become a senior leader in your future, you will prioritise those tasks where you have been given the opportunity to shine as a leader over those where you are simply a contributing voice.

Establish a self-care routine.

A well-rounded self-care routine is essential to your well being. This is an essential element of having a positive growth mindset. You deserve care, it is an investment in you. This would probably include eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, and watching drug and alcohol consumption. How do you do, even on that short self-care checklist?

Develop an accepting self, not just self-acceptance.

Self -acceptance is saying to yourself, “I like me”. Developing an accepting-self allows us to also allow ourselves to fall down occasionally, and believe this is also okay and acceptable. This attitude of unconditional kindness towards yourself, whatever you may be experiencing helps us grow. You are a work in progress, and that is wonderful.

Add the voices of self-compassion and an inner-cheerleader, to any dialogue with your inner critic.

Our inner -critic is only just a judgemental voice who breaks us down. Sometimes it plays a role similar to a responsible parent, telling us to get out of bed and go to work, get that report completed, pay your taxes! Listening only to your inner-critic can lead to feelings of inadequacy and desire to avoid activities – denying your to do list whilst you glut watch Netflix.

When you add the voice of self-compassion and your inner-cheerleader to the dialogue the script changes significantly. You give yourself the chance to recognise and acknowledge feelings you may have around a challenge. You may produce a report you don’t really feel confident producing. Acknowledge the at many people might feel nervous in that situation. Your inner cheerleader can then add their voice. “You can do this, just give it a go”. This is when your inner critic may help – with practical advice “

Thrive rather than, merely, survive

Many of us have grown up in household with complex emotional environments. Perhaps your parents were too harsh, or not present, or you found it hard to be accepted. Almost all of us have sacrificed parts of ourselves in response to our childhood and adolescence. Perhaps it is time for you to thrive rather than just survive, overcome our box of darkness issues. IF this describes your situation you may find the articles at the end of this blog helpful.

When we love ourselves first and foremost.

When we love ourselves first and foremost, we let go of the feeling that something is wrong with us, that we are not good enough. You exist. You matter. You are loved.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologists who works with couples and individuals to help them have better relationships as well as improved mental health.

#reddoor #love  #selfhelp #selfcare #selfesteem #wellbeing #selfcompassion #goalsetting  #relationshipadvice  #relationshipadvice #relationshipgoals  #relationshipadvice

Further reading you might enjoy

Let it go, let it grow

Past hurts and old injustices can keep people stuck in old patterns of behaviour and thought traps. Bad memories can be like emotional quicksand, and can consume your thoughts taking command of your day-dreams, and leave you feeling obsessed over perceived or real losses, betrayals, and inequities.

The American poet, Mary Oliver wrote of her experience of death in the poem “The Uses of Sorrow”: “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

I must use this quote at least once a week in therapy with clients, especially those who are navigating the painful paths initiated by the actions of a loved one, a spouse who walks out, a broken friendship, the death of someone special. In our moments of shock and grief, it is indeed like we have been given a box of darkness to unpack and cope with. So painful and debilitating, action seems pointless and enormously necessary at the same time.

https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/18/the-box-of-darkness-dealing-with-painful-gifts/

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Do you want to make your romantic relationship better? It is possible. From my experience of working with couples, helping them to reconnect, here are a few considerations that I believe can make your relationship stronger.

Commit to communication.

In all relationships, communication is key. I have clients, considering separation, who can count the words expressed between her and her partner over the course of an evening on less than her 10 fingers. Communicating with each other keeps us connected and is essential when you are in conflict with each other. Rather than focusing on snappy comebacks when you argue, take a moment to reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying, before adding your opinion. Using “I feel” rather than “You did” type of comments helps keep some of the dialogue constructive. By owning your experience you can better deal with conflict. When conflict arises remember to slow communication down, ensure that each partner is heard before you consider your response. Also avoid wanting to score points at the cost of your relationship.

The Gottman institute – a leading relationship research and training facility in the US reminds couples of their 5:1 rule. You should be expressing 5 positive sentiments to your partner for ever single negative or critical comment. Think about the balance in your interactions, and make this small change.

Good communication is like oxygen to a relationship. Give your relationship the breath of life that it needs.

Stay engaged and interested.

Remember how you were in the early days of your love, you knew everything about each other’s days. As time goes on, couples can become disconnected and their relationship focused on the fulfillment of a to do list. Take time to spend time understanding your partner’s experience of the day. What was the best thing that happened to them today? Did anything happen today that made them angry? Show up and show your interest.Building a stronger understanding of your shared experience allows you to build more positive times together.

Be your best self.

Give them the best of you, rather than saving it for others. Often, we are kinder to strangers or people we hardly know than people who are closest to us. Ask yourself, “Who gets the “best” of me?” and then ask, “Who gets the worst?”. Are you taking your workplace stress out on your partner? In addition to sharing your kindest and most sincere communication with your life partner, honour the promises you make to them first, before others.

Learn your language of love.

The best way to convey your love for your partner is to express your love in the language of love that they prefer. The 5 languages of love include words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, time sharing and acts of service (you can conduct an assessment of your style on the website of author Gary Chapman (www.5lovelanguages.com) . We want to receive love in the matter that we most appreciate. Understanding each other’s preferences is the ultimate form of respect.

Happy Valentine’s Day – I hope your romance grows stronger after trying these techniques.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a qualified counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling. She conducts couples’ therapy as well as runs con- joint co-parenting programmes.

Attached is another article you might find helpful if you are experiencing the same argument repeatedly in your relationship You can break free of those negative conflict cycles.

Groundhog day in relationships – having the same argument again and again, and again…..

#valentinesday

#couplecounselling

#marriage

#love

#relationshipgoals

#couple

#relationships

#lovequotes

#dating

#relationshipadvice

We can’t, as parents of teenagers, simply prohibit them from being on the internet, and it’s almost impossible to out-manoeuvre an internet-savvy teen. Instead, I suggest that you work collaboratively with them to keep them safe and protect their self-esteem.

Much of the advice you will find on the internet aims to help parents better control their child’s interactions online. Today’s teens are informed about internet risks, but you can help them navigate these challenges to keep their reputation safe, watch your wallet, and keep them out of trouble.

Teens are distinctly different from children. What I propose for teens is not what I suggest for children. Once your child enters the teen years, independence online and offline becomes a continual negotiation.

Teens’ social media lives raise a plethora of issues that they can learn to navigate collaboratively with their parents. To do this effectively, suspend your desire to dictate decisions and agendas. Allow discussion and negotiation to occur, and listen to the ideas your teen has in mind. Open, non-judgmental communication will be your greatest asset. The teen years for parents involve conceding any desire to control your child to protect them.

Talk with your teen about what they think is okay to post on social media regarding their lives. You may need to negotiate with them, and you might lose this discussion. Be prepared to compromise in order to remain engaged.

My own teen posts photos that I consider “too sexy.” It made me reflect on my motives for trying to control her online image. Do I think she is acting too provocatively? Is my perception tied to my social values about what teens should look like? Although I don’t necessarily agree with her posts, I recognize who she is in real life. We often laugh about what’s missing from her outfit in a photo. I can see her online presence and how people celebrate her, rather than the creepy boogeyman I initially anticipated.

That said, we must acknowledge that social media influences how teens, particularly young women, see themselves in comparison to others. The internet can exert a strong influence over teens’ self-esteem. This situation used to be exacerbated by magazines; now, they have exposure to thousands of retouched, fabricated lives and stories daily. Discussing with teens how “real” their profiles are, and how authentic the lives of others are online, is essential. Ask openly: Do you feel better or worse about yourself after scrolling through Instagram? Encourage teens to assess what “perfect” means on the internet. It’s crucial they recognize that a concept of perfection is an illusionary construct.

Social media is central to teens’ social lives. Seeking new contacts on Snapchat and Instagram allows teens to develop friendships outside their school year groups, in different schools, and in various parts of the city. Additionally, some teens who feel marginalized often find great support online. We generally encourage this diversification of friendships, especially for girls, who might regularly experience exclusion.

However, discuss friendship parameters with your teen. For example: What age range is sensible for them to interact with? For my teen, a general 18-month to 2-year gap applies. For younger teens, this range might be too broad; perhaps sticking to the same year group is more appropriate. Kids seek the power to choose, so letting them negotiate some of these boundaries can be helpful. Avoid the temptation to ban members of the opposite sex or potential romantic partners, as this may lead to secrecy rather than compliance.

What I do encourage is that teens get the chance, in groups, to meet the people they talk to online in real life. In counselling, I often sense how close many of those online relationships feel to teenagers. Often, they feel they can share more openly and deeply with those they’ve never met. But encourage your teen to convert online friendships to real-life situations. Online friends can be volatile and may shift from supportive to adversarial quickly, and sometimes the information shared can be deliberately deceptive. Discuss what they prefer about their online versus offline friends, helping them recognize the advantages of each.

Encourage your teen to make decisions about their profile independently, not influenced by others, including you. Peer pressure to post controversial content is more common than you might think. Conversations about what good friends expect from them and what they feel comfortable sharing will help them express who they are.

This brings us to bullying. Bullying online is rampant. Your child’s school will have a policy regarding this behaviour and may involve the police depending on the act. Your child will likely recount a story of internet bullying they’ve heard at school. Ask them about it. Instead of simply addressing right and wrong, ask them what might have driven a bully to act that way, what their agenda could be, and why they’d want others to feel a specific way. Encouraging this kind of reflective dialogue helps teens understand human vulnerabilities that can lead to careless online behaviour.

Also, inquire if they ever get contacted by people who make them uncomfortable, and ask how they’ve handled it. Teens are aware of potential creeps, but they might not know what to do. Talking to their friends can yield valuable advice, and horror stories can serve as learning experiences. My teen simply blocks anyone who gives her a bad vibe. In discussing it further, she explained that the “weird vibe” often came from strangers contacting her out of the blue. Most of her contacts are friends of friends, and she asks her connections for background information to determine if someone is worth engaging with. Reinforce her careful decision-making regarding whom to block.

We also need to talk about vent pages, which teens often use to express their anxiety and pain. Venting online may lead to regret later, as these expressions contribute to their online reputation and can be distressing for others. Teens may not realize that expressions of wanting to “disappear” or harm themselves can trigger their peers. This can result in serious consequences, as I’ve seen with several teen clients. While I believe in helping teens express themselves, we must also find appropriate avenues for this. Encourage an old-fashioned diary instead—but don’t snoop through it!

It’s important to also address the use of AI chatbots. Many teens are turning to these bots as a source of support for their mental health. While they can offer accessibility and a degree of comfort, it’s crucial to remember that AI systems lack the emotional understanding and nuanced judgement of trained professionals. They can provide unsafe advice or misinterpret a teen’s needs, sometimes even reinforcing harmful beliefs. Therefore, while teens may find them convenient, it’s vital to stress that these tools should never replace real human connections and support from trusted adults.

The Role of AI Chatbots in Teen Mental Health: A Cautionary Perspective

The teen years are such an interesting time, and independence is the goal of this period. Negotiating internet safety with your teen rather than enforcing strict rules can help you navigate this important transition. Open, non-judgmental communication lays the groundwork for better protection and future collaboration.

About the author: Angela Watkins is a counsellor and psychologist working with teens to improve their mental health. She also works with families and adult clients. You can contact Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk.

We have three teen focused counsellors at RED DOOR..

#teens

#teenager

#socialmedia

#internetsafety

#parenting

#bullying

Bullying at school – How to protect your child.

Since early 2020 we have been experiencing continual threat from the COVID 19 virus and the numerous variants that have developed. COVID has impacted our lives significantly – how and when we can socialise, go to work or school, travel, see family, celebrate special occasions, even say goodbye to loved ones. All aspects of our regular life seem to have been altered. And we do not know when this will end. This leaves us in a repeating cycle of anxiety and flight/fight type of responses.

Anxiety can be a crippling emotional challenge. As a psychologist and counsellor I work with clients dealing with their anxiety and I want to share some information about this condition and its management.

A strategy of waiting for normalcy to return is impractical. Pandemics take years to work out so please consider adjusting to a new normal of living with COVID-19 for now.

It’s not only exhausting to spend so much time in a state of high alert, but it can also be physically damaging. The physical consequences of acute stress can include high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and exacerbation of various inflammatory illnesses. After more than 2 years of stress, people may need to explore more than some deep breathing exercises to calm their nervous systems down.

If you feel flooded with COVID-Anxiety:

• Limit your time scrolling news about new cases and the current situation. Measure your experience of anxiety when you are looking at news sources. Sometimes no news is a good approach.
• Acknowledge your anxiety – give it a voice, but not a megaphone. Talk to your anxiety as you would a worried child. Accept that it exists, how it might perceive the situation, and offer alternative ways of looking at the issue. Be kind to yourself.
• Seriously consider talking to a therapist at this time. Sometimes the process of just expressing your anxiety to a properly qualified listener will help. We often can not change a situation, but bottling up our anxiety and feeling trapped within it will only make one feel more stuck.
• Perspective is important. Try to focus on what is positive in your life when you feel weighed down by the difficulty of dealing with this situation. Many of us have not seen family, for years.  Sometimes this might feel very difficult. You may actually benefit from being thankful that things are not worse. If you get stuck a negative through cycle, start your next thought with the line, “at least ….. “.
• Be careful when you share information. Search for facts, not rumours. At the same time, share facts not opinions – seriously wear a mask, get your vaccine, do your bit.
• Don’t judge those who leave, or those who stay in your area as the number of cases grows or fluctuates. People make the choices that they think are best for their family.
• Practice being grateful. Gratitude allows you to stay positive.
• Challenge your thinking. We often employ cognitive filters when we interpret information and this can increase our anxiety. For example, if you tend to catastrophise situations it will possibly lead to exacerbated anxiety. Take a look at the following article which might help. (https://reddoorhongkong.wordpress.com/2019/03/28/change-the-view-challenging-your-thinking-filters/)

Working actively on your anxiety can help to reduce it. Sometimes talking to a professional might help. If you’d like to tackle your anxiety with Angela, or one of our other therapists, in Hong Kong, contact us at angelaw@reddoor.hk or SMS to 852-93785428.

anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #stress #ptsd #therapy #health #wellness #anxietyrelief #covid #anxietyawareness