Jane sat down next to Lucy at the Christmas concert.  Lucy started to detail the family’s travel plans for their Christmas holiday.

“It’s important to get out of town now that we can, and we need to go state side to catch up with my family before we go to Europe to see Ben’s parents”. How about you, where are you going?”

Jane didn’t want to tell Lucy that she and the kids were experiencing tough times financially, and there were no overseas trips on the horizon. “I don’t know yet”, she lied. To herself, she thought, “Lucy is so lucky; I am such a failure”.

 

People often appraise their success, their status, and their personal worth by comparing themselves with others, even celebrities. Facebook and Instagram are full of images of beautiful smiling families, exclusive dinners, children’s awards, and personal achievements. Comparing ourselves with others, especially through social media channels, can rob us of joy and happiness. At a time when we often discuss our plans for the holiday season, comparing celebrations can rob you of some of  from the joy you create with your own plans.

 

Invariably, there are will always be someone who is a better academic, speaker, sportsperson, or is taller, thinner, richer, with more Facebook friends than you. When we make these comparisons to others, we stimulate feelings of inadequacy and bitterness within ourselves. These comparisons are especially harmful to teens as their sense of self is not as yet fully developed. Whilst we often compare our experience to that of others, ask yourself if you do this more than is helpful? Read on and see if comparison is actually impacting your ability to be happy.

 

 Seven reasons to stop comparing. 

1)    When you constantly look at the world through a lens of “winners and losers” you will always find others who have achieved more than you. This is disorienting, and artificially casts you in the role of loser. This is damaging to your sense of self-worth.

2)    Comparing people is usually driven by inaccurate information. In the situation described at the beginning of this blog, Jane feels inadequate because she is comparing the value of “holidays”, what that might signify to others and then applying her perceptions to her sense of success. She doesn’t know that Lucy has a troubled marriage, struggles with her children, and suffers with mental health issues. We often compare  snapshots and these are often superficial, incomplete and heavily filtered (not to mention photo-shopped).

3)    Constantly comparing yourself to your friends, and others, robs you of the enjoyment in celebrating their successes with them, and can lead you to see friends as rivals rather than a valuable source of personal support and fun.

4)    Comparing yourself with others is a constant losing battle. It never ends. Striving to compare doesn’t make you feel better and can create a learned compulsory cycle of discontent, feeling “less-than”, and self-hatred.

5)    Comparisons with others can distract you from your goals. The ruminations that comparing creates zaps your energy and wastes what energy you have focusing on a perceived deficit in yourself rather than on achieving your goals in life.

6)    Comparing yourself with others will only echo the feeling that life is unfair. Some people are born with more advantages such as social connections, wealth and looks. The world is an uneven playing field. When we focus on comparisons we brood on this unfairness rather than focusing on what we have the power to achieve.

7)    Comparisons focus your attention on the outside world, rather than your inner state. When you focus on how you look relative to others, you may lose sight of what values you want to represent and who you are as a person.

 

Break the cycle: compare no more

• The first step to breaking the comparison mindset is to acknowledge the thoughts you are having and accept them as they occur. Remember that you have choices. Decide to challenge your thoughts and how you interpret the world. Confront your perceptions. Do you have full and accurate information about a person or a situation? Does it really matter to your life goals?
• Be more aware of your own successes relative to your goals. Recognize your achievements and celebrate your success rather the comparing it with the (perceived) success of others.
• Appreciate more, compare less. Practicing gratitude about what you have, without looking to see if it is more or less than what others have, will increase your sense of satisfaction.
• Give yourself the occasional pep talk. Tell yourself “Nobody is perfect. I deserve kindness from myself.” Rather than focusing on others, explore what you can learn about yourself.
• Stop yourself from falling back into the cesspit of comparisons. Celebrate your uniqueness, find yourself a mentor to help you focus on what you want to achieve, and act to make your personal contribution to your world.

You can make your life happier, simply by stopping activities which are associated with diminishing enjoyment of life. Stop comparing, and start celebrating who you are, the life you have, and the people around you. If you continue to have problems breaking your compulsion to compare, you might like to consider counselling.

#Thinkingerrors

#Comparison

#Depression

#Gratitude

#Holiday

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About the author: Angela Watkins is a psychologist and counsellor at RED DOOR Counselling in Hong Kong. Her current clinical work focuses on parenting, family life, parenting SEN children, anxiety, OCD, career change, stress management and divorce. Angela was highlighted as Hong Kong’s best therapist by lifestyle magazine, Liv. 

People sometimes seek counselling for emotional numbness – stating they feel nothing, or feel detached from themselves, a sense of boredom about everything that they are involved in, even feeling that they are watching their lives rather than living them.

 

What is going on? 

Emotional numbness can be a component of depression. The experience of depression varies from person to person. Our usual understanding of depression involves the feeling of sadness. Some other symptoms of depression include feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, emptiness and numbness.  Usually depression involves a person’s distortion of perception and loss of perspective . People may feel something is wrong, but cannot identify what it is, describing it as a general sense of pessimism.

When people experience depression-numbness they don’t feel much at all. They experience life without active engagement.  In my experience, clients who wish to break from this pattern are often men, perhaps because of the process of how the numbness is developed.

 

Why/ How does this happen?

Emotional numbing is not a deliberate or conscious choice by individuals. Sometime the reason for exists in your childhood. Children may have faced extreme situations and, as a consequence, believe that expressing emotions or sensitivity would be responded to negatively. This protective reflex continues longer than was originally necessary, even when danger or judgement has been removed. It can become a permanent way shielding to feel nothing.

 

What is a proposed treatment?

The path to numbness is complex, as is the path out. Part of the challenge is understanding personal and deeply seated motivations to avoid the experience of emotions due to a fear to being overwhelmed by feelings. While you may not like the numbness, the alternative may seem terrifying.

Therapists working with emotional numbness will help clients safely identify emotions, experiment with small (safe) doses of emotional identification, which help thaw through the protective shell that has been developed. Clients have to believe there is a benefit to learning to feel again. The benefits are recovering and accepting yourself, learning to love your life, and perchance, to experience true happiness.

If you feel you are struggling with emotional numbness please consider counselling. Be patient with yourself, it does take time to feel again.

 

#reddoor

#depression

#emotionalnumbness

Are you wondering how you can improve your performance at work, and your career in general, from good to great? During the season of appraisals and bonus setting, how you can move yourself up the ladder is worth consideration.

Here are our top ten recommendations.

1)      What is your WHY?

Without a clear vision of what you want to achieve, and a proper understanding of your compulsion to accomplish that goal, you may be rowing frantically in circles. Identify your goal and its purpose so you can determine a route to row.  You need to have a plan in place.

Even then, you will need to really love the job and the path. To be the best at what you do, you need to adore the job you do. Otherwise you may not have enough energy to commit to the journey. If you don’t know your WHY or your WHAT you can explore this with a coach or counsellor.

2)      Develop the mindset of a champion

A champion connects his or her capabilities to their passion. What are your strengths that are relevant to your goal? How can you best apply these to distinguish yourselves from others in the workplace?  But don’t stop there.

3)      Practice positive habits

Champions practice self-reflection – looking for ways to learn and improve. Reward yourself for your investment in yourself and your future.  Stick with your commitment to growth. It is not that you won’t fall down, once, twice, or maybe even five times, what matters is that you get up every time and continue on your journey.  Consider alternative ways to solve a problem if your first ideas fail. Remember the words of Voltaire, “no problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking”.

4)      Hustle for results, then hustle some more. 

Understand what problems your company needs you to solve, and commit to bringing about results which will solve those problems. During your yearly review ask your boss how she/he will know you have been successful in your role. From their response build a plan, the backbone of which is your KPIs (Key Performance Indicators) that you will be measured by and can use to benchmark yourself. Now you know your goalpost, aim for it, and communicate your successful results upward. When you do, acknowledge the support of your team, and your boss, in helping you achieve these results. This highlights you as grateful, as well as focused.

5)      Build a winning team around yourself. 

If you want to be great at what you do, do not model or tolerate mediocrity or laziness from your teammates. Your team is a reflection of you. Surround yourself with people who are strong where you are weak. These people will amplify your impact, and help you with your blind spots. For example,, I’m known for my humorous, accountable, and no nonsense approach to counselling, and my private clients like this approach.  In building a counselling practice, I understand a range of styles are required. Therefore, I have deliberately selected other counsellors for this practice who provide support in gentler manner. When a new client comes to our practice I can offer them the best fit for their personality and circumstance, and offer them a range of counselling styles.

6)      Dissect the anatomy of  success within your organzation

Find the best examples of what you want to achieve and break down the components of others success into steps you can emulate. Are you as committed to your goal as much as they are? I have many successful friends who have been told that others would like to emulate them. They respond: “Are you willing to commit what I have committed in terms of time, money and opportunity cost?”

7)      Seek (constructive) feedback

Seek feedback from colleagues and people you admire and trust, not just through the performance review process, as well as from those whose job may be to manage your expectations. Rather than ask for generic feedback, seek details to the specific elements that could improve your chances of becoming CEO (or whatever title you’d like to achieve). Ask, “how could I better manage my team?” or, “How can I contribute more to the business?”, or even, “Is there anything you think I should be doing in my job, that I’m not”?

8)      Coach yourself to greatness

From the feedback you received set about to become your own super coach rather than beating yourself up with criticism. Being a good coach to yourself involves more than simply assessing performance gaps between desired and current performance. You need to set impact-oriented actions that will help you achieve your overall career goal. An external guide may be helpful at this juncture.

9)      Get out of your own way

Don’t let baggage or resentments of the past hold you back. All of us experience setbacks and receive the occasional critical comment. If you feel debilitated by such comments seek the reason. Are you a perfectionist who is fearful of all mistakes? Can you recognize that these are essential for growth? Are you stuck playing old roles from your past, wanting to prove your father (figure) wrong, or crush anyone who you suspect may betray you? Does criticism send you into a spiral of self-doubt? These patterns of behaviour might work for you occasionally, but prohibit achievement in the long run. Consider counselling to help you escape from self-hindering behaviour or thought patterns.

10)  Consider a change of scene, race in another place.  

You may not be able to get ahead and achieve your career goals with your current employer. If you have followed steps 1-9, and still see no results, consider a change of scene. Consider to move to competitor, or even a change of career. While you may be very good at what you do, it may not be the only thing you will be good at. Greatness may even found in a different occupation.  A counsellor or coach can help you evaluate your strengths and passions, as well as broadening your horizons.

we regularly have blogs on topics related to improving performance and career change. Attached is our popular blog on career change …

Facing career change with courage

 

#reddoor #selfimprovement #yearendappraisal #promotion #goodtogreat

 

 

 

Getting divorced is extremely stressful. Regardless if you made the decision to end the marriage or were “left”, the process of divorce involves a gauntlet of emotional experiences, a need to be a savvy negotiator (quite possibly for the first time in your life), patience, persistence and a lot of positivity. As a counsellor, here is what I have learned from helping women through this experience.   While much of the advice I offer here would also be helpful to men, it is written with women in mind.

 

All over the house

Individuals experiencing divorce are sometimes perplexed and surprized by the extent of disassociation they experience during the process – feeling detached from reality and floating between shock and vulnerability.

One minute you may feel completely numb, the next filled with rage, worry, fear, then hurt and pain so great you feel your heart may actually break. You must accept that this is, unfortunately, a NORMAL part of the process of divorce. You may have anchored a view of yourself, your family and your future on the foundation of your marriage.  When that foundation cracks, you will feel extremely unsteady. Be patient and kind to yourself . Remember, this rollercoaster will finish, so help yourself hold on tight during the ride.

 

There are minimal short cuts

Many women expect  recovery to be fast, especially since they link the dissociative state with the legal process of divorce. The emotional journey does not end once final papers are signed, although this might bring some temporary relief. If you feel like a victim during this process, ask yourself why and if it is really going to help in the long run.

I recommend that you recall of some other challenges or transition during your life – moving to a new country, the death of someone close – and analyse how  you coped during those times? Explore your armoury of coping strengths and remember, you got through tough times before.

You may feel tempted to run away from the feelings of discomfort until this is “done”.  However, be wary of the pressure your feelings may create. Rushing sensitive negotiations can be a mistake – take the time you need to get the terms you want. If your safety is or has been in danger you need to protect yourself – do not remain in a situation where your physical safety is compromised. Find somewhere to stay.

 

Direct your dialogues

Sitting down with your lawyer to vent about the unfairness of your soon to be ex-spouse is as pointless as it is expensive. Try to focus your conversations efficiently so you get what you need from the people who can best provide it in a timely manner.

In conversations with your lawyer and financial advisor, keep emotional elements to a minimum. Their jobs are to calculate the most favourable terms for you, and to help exit the legal contract of your marriage in an acceptable (and advantageous) manner.

Discuss your emotional experiences with your friends  – bitching about your ex can be positively cathartic. A counsellor can help you understand how you got to this point, prevent these patterns in the future, and help you build a new foundation for your life. Given the emotional maelstrom of divorce and its aftermath, counselling during divorce is highly recommended. Since you are vulnerable now, it can help keep you as mentally and emotionally strong as you can be, while helping you move forward.

 

Support, support, support

This is not a time to hide away from the world. You need support. Let your friends help you. Seek support from groups. There is also tangible support, those who can help now that you may be a single parent much of the time. List these resources down on paper,  invite them over, ask for support. For example, if you have children at school, school counsellors can offer some assistance. You may be surprised who is willing to really be there for you.  You do not need, nor is it in the interest of your mental health, to go through the divorce process alone. The first step to accessing support is to ask.

 

Resist the urge to repeal and replace

While the heady new days of separation might provide fun opportunities to connect with new romantic partners, try not to race forward into a serious relationship. This is a time to find out who you are now, not who you want to be with. While many people use another relationship to give them the strength to finally leave a marriage, statistically the odds of that relationship being successful after three years are not favourable. Feel free to enjoy your new freedom, discover who you are now, and who you want to be. If you fear being on your own, this may be a topic worth exploring further with friends or a counsellor.

 

A better tomorrow is possible

It might take two, three or, even ten years, but you will feel much better in time.

Divorce is unsettling for many because they don’t know how they will survive outside of their marriage. Finding a financial and personal future is important. Even if you have ample alimony to last the rest of your days (and I hope you do), you will still need to think about what you’ve learned about yourself, who you want to be and what do you want in the future.

Make a list of the attributes that you like about yourself. Have your friends contribute. Pull out that list whenever you have moments of self-doubt. List the things you would like to try, that you felt you were not able to explore inside your marriage – perhaps travel to a new country, take up a hobby or class. Start on a journey to a new you.

If you have trouble seeing beyond today, a counsellor or coach can help to determine and build your strengths and help you to see and realize a different tomorrow.

 

I hope you find these guidelines helpful. Divorce is hard, and it often gets harder before it gets easier. Be kind to yourself, and remember as the great Gloria Gaynor declared in song, “I will survive”.

 

___________________________________

 

RED DOOR offers counselling to individuals who are experiencing relationship troubles, and specifically to people during divorce. We will be introducing a SURVIVING DIVORCE group therapy for women on Monday evenings. This is a therapy group, focused on moving participants actively through the process. A therapy group focuses on the emotional aspects and processes experienced during a divorce and utilizes shared experiences of the group to help each member deal better with the emotional turmoil created by divorce. You will be working on your emotions and thoughts, your reimagining of your future, your current and future mental health in a supportive, and challenging environment together with other women sharing their experiences and learning.

We will host an information session on divorce for women Monday 16 October 2017.  If you would like to join the SURVIVING DIVORCE group, or our information session, please email Angela at angelaw@reddoor.hk. http://www.redoor.hk

 

 

I recall being told that when asked the standard interview question, “what is your greatest weakness”, the perfect answer is, “I’m a perfectionist”, The intended implication is to suggest that your standards so high that, undoubtedly, any business would be smart to hire you.

Contrary to this common belief, perfectionism and being a perfectionist, leaves one vulnerable to compromised mental health. Many of the numerous negative effects of perfectionism are overlooked due to the perceived benefits and rewards that come as the perceived result of holding high standards. Perfectionists themselves find it extremely hard to abandon these tendencies. Instead, they continue to pursue the perfect experience, often falling short, and then privately berate themselves as failures.

Perfectionism is far from perfect. This is particularly concerning for teens and young adults in our society.

The dark underbelly of perfectionism 

Teenagers today are studying in a highly competitive academic world that emphasises consistent achievement and compares students with their peers. For most, the pressure of academic standards is motivating. However, for those with a high degree of perfectionism, the pressure can lead to extremes of procrastination or an extraordinary effort that may not be justified. Due to a constant fear of failure, perfectionists take an all-or-nothing approach, which can result in paralysis, as an avoidance strategy. This is not uncommon, and remains misunderstood.

Due to an ‘All-or-Nothing’ mindset, perfectionists are unable to realise a middle-ground between two extremes — be perfect or quit. Driven by a fear of failure, the potential risk of mistakes can freeze them in their tracks.

I sometimes meet adults, whom I refer to as 96ers,  who would regularly score more than 90% in exams, who spend the time thinking about the 4-10 marks they DIDN’T get rather than those that they did. This practice reinforces a belief that they are not good enough.

Express not Suppress

For many, perfectionism can be translated not only into their work and aspirations, but also into the way in which they handle emotions. Within the spectrum of human limitations, perfectionists reject typical emotional reality as a form a failure, under the illusion that an unbroken chain of positive feelings is possible.

Furthermore, although uncommon, some perfectionists consider the idea of tormented life, a tortured soul and a wronged victim, as the ideal of the misunderstood perfectionist. Whether a perfectionist or not, there are many people who are taught that it is improper to display emotions. Perfectionism forces suppression and denies individuals the permission to acknowledge and experience ‘undesirable’ emotions… the very experience of being human.

The suppression of depressive thoughts is associated with a worsening of depressive symptoms, as it intensifies the emotions by keeping them fresh and active. This is why it is important to accept and release our built-up feelings, opening us to emotional growth and healthy grieving.

#RelationshipGoals

Within a relationship the media has become a third-party pressure for #RelationshipGoals. The added forces those with perfectionist tendencies to demand perfection from themselves, their partner, displayed through their social media profiles. Perfectionists tend to put so much pressure on themselves and their partner to be ‘perfect’ that they end up far from it. The demands that they put on themselves are often reflected on their partners, which lead to high expectations. As a result, perfectionists often feel disappointed, unsatisfied and resentful in relationships – a potential recipe for disaster – pressuring their partners with constant reminders of inadequacy.

Why is perfectionism difficult to abandon?

Nobody likes to fail, but it is the ability to recognise, understand and accept the reality of failure that allows you to digest it. However, for a perfectionist, the rejection of reality places them in a fantasy world where mistakes can be avoided and success is the only destination. This mindset restricts their desire to change, emphasising the apparent rewards and successes at the end of the tunnel, which are driven by the unforgiving fear of failure and of disappointing others.

Perfectionists cannot see the negative effects as clearly as the rewards, which leads them to cling to their standards and reject compromise.

Further detrimental effects of perfectionism, such as, depression, anxiety and eating disorders, highlight the importance of realising and understanding perfectionism. If you recognise yourself, I urge you to take action so that you can start making changes to become more self-accepting and begin to enjoy the journey. Self-compassion, and being your own champion, are more desirable for you in the long run.

If you would like to break free from your perfectionism prison you might like to consider visiting a counsellor. In counselling the thoughts associated with being perfect can be unpacked and assessed. Understanding the roots of your perfectionism, and the behaviours and thoughts that help you to maintain a perfectionist persona, can help you break free from self-judgement and self-loathing that accompanies the perpetual pursuit of perfection.

If you don’t feel ready, just yet, to address your perfectionist tendencies, consider reading books on this topic. I personally recommend Brené Brown’s The gifts of imperfection,  or Tal Ben-Shahar’s The pursuit of perfect.  Enjoy your journey back from impossibly high standards, embrace today and accept yourself as you are.

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#reddoor #perfectionism #relationshipgoals #imperfection #anxiety #mentalhealth #selfhelp

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